Kudos to this chapter for having the most survive my editor's eye unchanged. Certainly, some changes have been made, but it has survived a good deal intact. I love Shepard's drunken rant and, even after all these years, I still found that it had conveyed precisely what I had intended from the beginning. I think it really summarizes what is at stake in her mind if she were to acknowledge her feelings for Liara. And of course, being the control freak she is, it's only once her inhibitions are stripped away that she can give voice to those fears.

My stories are largely character driven. I have never been one to meticulously plan out the plot of a story. This isn't laziness on my part, I swear, but rather just having learned over time that a detailed outline is a fool's errand. I do keep outlines for the stories, but they tend to be written in my own sort of shorthand with various degrees of specificity. For example, all the outline says for this chapter is "drunken confessions." When I have tried to plot every little thing out beforehand, it usually backfires because by the time we get to the end I am trying to force the shape of the narrative onto a character who has grown beyond it. That's why you will see in my author's notes that I sometimes comment on being surprised about what happens because in all honesty, I don't always know where things are going beforehand. I let the characters dictate where things end up.

And that's perhaps why I have always loved this moment of the story and why it received mostly clean up rather than substantial changes. The only focus is on the characters, and I am forcing them to tell the truth and confront the truth. And because I forced Shepard to tell the truth the first time around it remains true to this day.

Also, I just love the Virmire decision. It was so clever to include it in the game. You can try to rationalize any way you want, but in the end, you are just picking who you like the most. I felt incredibly guilty the first time around. You may also be interested to know that apparently I like Kaidan slightly more because that was my decision the first time. But I knew this decision would be absolute agony for Sophia. Having to make a call based solely on her gut rather than a sound strategic decision would be torture for her.

Heart of Stone

Gone. He was her lieutenant, her squad mate, her friend, and then he was just... gone. The flame of life obliterated on some remote world that would likely be erased from public memory and buried under red tape. And it'd been her call. She'd left him to die there alone, without the decency to even look him in the eye when she made the decision. The guilt tore her insides apart.

Shepard had managed to hold it together in front of the crew and the Council when she gave her report. It'd been easy then, when everyone was counting on her and when they expected her to be strong. She could always be strong when others were watching. She'd even managed to comfort Ashley a little, who was no doubt suffering from survivor's guilt; something Shepard was no stranger to. But now she was alone in her room, trying to explain her actions in a report to the Alliance, and the guilt was crashing over her in waves. She wanted to drown in something other than remorse.

Going to her closet, Shepard pushed aside the hanging clothes to reveal a small box in the corner. She grabbed it and tore the lid open, pulling out a bottle of expensive vodka; she'd been saving it for a celebration – perhaps when they stopped Saren. Now, she unscrewed the top and took a gulp, shuddering at the burning in her throat and the shock in her brain.

She tried to cross the room to her bed and sit down, but stumbled from blurry vision that was not from the drink. She tried to sit at the edge of her bed, but missed and fell in a heap beside it. Her breathing was already a rattled mess and she felt too apathetic to try again, so she sat with her back pressed against the edge of the bed and her legs drawn up to her chest. Her wrists rested limply on her knees, the bottle of vodka in her right hand, and occasionally she brought it to her lips. Water poured down her face.

~.~.~.~.~

Liara was starting to get worried. Shepard had disappeared after the debriefing, confining herself to her room without talking to anyone. Most of the ground team had assembled in the mess hall, all except Ashley who was reassembling the same rifle down at her workbench over and over again. Her aura told the others to stay away and let her be. But at least they knew what she was doing and could watch her for signs of trouble. No one knew what Shepard was doing or thinking. Yet, surely, she was suffering; it had been her call after all. Her decision to sacrifice Kaidan.

"I don't like this," Tali said to the gathered group. "Shepard didn't say a word about Kaidan... I miss him and I didn't know him nearly as well as she did. Quarians don't isolate themselves like this. You should talk about these things."

Wrex, who was the only one not seated at the table and stood leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, let out a snort. "That's because quarians don't have enough space to spit without hitting each other. Or the insides of their helmets for that matter."

Tali glared at him, or at least it seemed like she did behind that mask.

"Maybe we should try to talk to her. See if she is alright," Liara suggested.

Tali nodded in agreement, but both Wrex and Garrus shook their heads. Garrus said, "On a turian ship, you don't mess with the commanding officer when they've made it clear they don't want to be bothered. If we don't see her in a day, then maybe we should get worried, but I vote we wait it out."

Wrex added, "She looked fine at the debriefing. If your leader is strong, you don't try to make them weak."

Liara frowned. "Just because Shepard looked fine earlier does not mean that she does not feel anything. She is not made out of stone."

Those red eyes stared back at her as if she were completely missing the point. "But she wants to be," was all he said.

For some reason those words stayed with Liara even after the others left to return to their respective posts. Only she remained at the table, repeating the krogan's words in her head. He was right, of course. Everything Shepard did – her strict professionalism, her often aloof nature, her rigid adherence to the rules – were all an attempt to keep things stable and within her control. The commander wanted so desperately to be untouchable.

But it was a mask, an act. The truth was that Shepard felt things strongly, maybe even more than most others. She didn't just like her crew; she truly empathized with them and understood them at their cores. Liara had seen it over and over, and even experienced it firsthand. The commander had observed and understood the loneliness and isolation that both Liara and Tali had experienced when joining the Normandy. And because she understood, Shepard had given them each what they needed. For Tali, she had learned about the technical aspects of the ship to become the friend the quarian needed. For Liara, she had offered her companionship as both a salve to the loneliness and as protection against the suspicions of the crew. But Liara had also seen Shepard's empathy towards the other members of the team. She had seen the commander nudging Garrus down a gentler path, away from the hatred and vengeance with which she was all too familiar. She had seen Shepard's positive influence on Ashley, opening her eyes to the fact that the galaxy was full of people who could and would be her friend no matter the species. And even though Liara didn't truly understand Wrex and Shepard's relationship, she couldn't deny that the krogan and human had a strong and irrefutable bond.

So yes, Wrex was right: Shepard wanted to be stone. But she wasn't. And Liara didn't want her to be. Taking a deep breath and making her decision, Liara pushed away from the table and headed to Shepard's door. She expected it to be locked, but was surprised when it opened immediately. She stepped inside, letting the door shut behind her, and found that the room was almost completely dark save for the soft glow from the terminal. Liara used the faint light from her biotics to illuminate the area so that she could see. She was surprised to find Shepard seated at the foot of her bed. She held a pale bottle in her right hand and was sitting with her legs drawn up, arms crossed over her knees, and head down on her arms. The commander didn't stir at the sound of the door opening and Liara wasn't even sure if she was conscious. She began to approach slowly, but Shepard surprised her by speaking without raising her head.

"It's all bullshit, you know. All of it." Her tone was incredibly bitter, and Liara could hear the self-loathing in it. She wondered if Shepard realized it was her who had entered the room, or if she was just venting her frustration to whoever would listen. But when Shepard raised her head and stared at Liara with those violet eyes, the asari knew that she had been expecting her.

"What do you mean?" Liara asked gently. She came over and knelt beside the commander. Once she was close enough, she could smell the sharp, acridness of the liquor, which explained what was in the bottle. It looked like roughly a quarter of the contents were gone.

"Everything I said about why I left him," Shepard spat. "Everything I said to the Council, to Ashley, what I put in my report. It's all lies." She stared at Liara, her face a contortion of misery. With a grimace, she raised the bottle to her lips and took a drink, letting some drip down her chin. After a violent shiver, she said, "I don't even know why I left him, Liara. At least, not really. But what I do know is terrible."

The asari blinked in surprise. "What do you mean, lies? You said that you wanted to make sure the salarians were able to escape. Save as many lives as possible. That makes sense, Shepard."

Shepard let out a derisive laugh. "Oh, I gave plenty of reasons in my report. Read it if you want." She gestured wildly with the bottle towards her desk. Her lips curled into a snarl. "But it's all bullshit. I doubt any of it is true. The actual truth is I can't remember what I was thinking when I made the decision. I just made it. Damn it, Liara! Just like that! I made it based on some – some fucking emotions! When it came down to it, Kaidan died because I didn't like him the best! What kind of sick, fucked up logic is that?" She took another long pull from the bottle.

Liara put a hand on Shepard's arm and looked at her intently. "Shepard, listen to me. There was no right call in that situation. You did what you could. You could only save one of them. Kaidan would have wanted you to save Ashley."

Shepard shook her head fiercely, a few tendrils of hair falling from her bun to hang down around her face. "That's not the point, Liara! Don't you understand? I've already ranked everyone on this ship by level of importance to me. I thought I could be friends with my crew and still lead, but – but I can't! My feelings are getting in the way." Her empty hand came to rest over her face, and she closed her eyes, taking in short, panicked breaths.

"No one blames you for caring about your crew," Liara said. "That is not a bad thing. All of us know that you would do anything for us."

Uncovering her face and opening her eyes again, Shepard shot Liara a glare. "You aren't listening, Liara. This isn't about me not caring enough. It's about caring too much. It's about ranking the value of people's lives based on my own fucking feelings. Do you want to hear the truth? The God-awful truth? Ashley and I share a hobby, so she lived and Kaidan died." Again, she took a drink from the bottle. As she ranted on, her words became less clear. "Who's fucking next? I really like Wrex, so then Garrus has to die? Or maybe Chakwas gets the axe because I can't bear to lose Tali? It – it doesn't matter if I like everyone, it's just a question of who I like the most." She stared intently at Liara. "And you," she said, her voice low, almost menacing. "I like you the most, so what happens then? Everyone else better pray I don't have to choose between them and you?"

The confession caught Liara completely off guard. It was strange to have a revelation that she might have otherwise welcomed thrown at her as if it were an insult. If Shepard realized that she had confessed any feelings for Liara, she didn't show it. Instead, she raised the bottle to her lips again. Before she could drink, Liara grabbed it out of her hand and held it away from her. Shepard didn't seem to care. She shook her head and fixed Liara with an accusatory stare.

"It's fucked up, isn't it? Because I know it doesn't matter who is on the chopping block; if it comes down to you and Joker, I'll fuck us all over because I'll sacrifice our pilot. Because in my heart everyone is expendable next to you. So, you tell me how I'm supposed to do my job now. How is any of my crew safe when their commander will make a – a split second decision based on emotion, rather than reason? How are they supposed to trust me when I can't put aside my feelings? I failed them, Liara! I failed Kaidan! I failed everyone!" Shepard buried her face in her hands.

For a minute, Liara was struck speechless. Shepard had basically confessed that she felt strongly for Liara, but instead of being a longed-for admission, it was the source of Shepard's pain. The commander feared that her emotion made her weak and clouded her judgment.

Liara squeezed the hand that was still on Shepard's arm. "You have it all wrong," she said quietly. "Your emotion and your kindness are what makes us trust you. It is not a weakness. We follow you because we know that you care." Unsure if she was crossing a line, but not caring, Liara placed her hand on Shepard's cheek and lifted her face so that she could look into her violet eyes. "There was no right decision on Virmire. You would not feel any better if Ashley had died. And no one thinks less of you for having to make that decision. You are angry, and you are looking for someone to blame."

Shepard looked unconvinced. So, Liara did the only thing she could think to do. She wrapped her arms around the commander, drawing her into an embrace so that Shepard's head rested above her heart. It felt much like the embrace they had shared when Benezia had died, except their roles were reversed. "Let me tell you something that someone wise told me," Liara said. "She told me that you are going to feel angry for what you have lost, and you are going to look for someone to blame. But you must not blame the wrong person. Because grief and anger are powerful, and if you are not careful, they can control you. You will end up hurting the wrong people because you cannot tell the difference between innocence and guilt. And you must not do this."

At first there was no reaction from Shepard. She leaned against Liara, allowing the asari to hold her, but otherwise stiff and motionless. Then, Shepard twisted her body to turn into Liara's embrace, wrapping her arms around Liara and holding her tight. She buried her face into the side of Liara's neck and Liara felt the tremble in the other woman's body. "You are not to blame," she whispered to the commander. "You are not to blame for any of it. Saren chose to side with the Reapers. He is responsible for Kaidan's death. He is the one that deserves your anger, not you. The most important thing you can do is avenge Kaidan."

Liara could feel Shepard's body shake with each sob and she tightened her embrace. They sat for a while as they grieved Kaidan together. Despite the fact that Liara knew the lieutenant had had feelings for Shepard too, she had never seen him as a rival. Maybe a more normal person would have seen the lieutenant as a potential romantic adversary and harbored some sort of jealousy towards him, but she had never felt that way. In fact, she found that once they had shared that secret, she had liked him more. Originally, she'd found him a bit dry and overbearing, prone to telling others – particularly Shepard – what they ought to think or do. But later she saw him as a man trying to express that he cared within the confines of the Alliance's regulations. And because Liara understood that they had both been hopelessly pining after a woman who would never return their feelings, she had felt a sort of kindred connection to him. In a way, she felt as if she had understood him in a way others could not. And although she knew that Shepard's pain was greater, Liara still missed Kaidan and grieved his loss.

Finally, Shepard said, "I'll avenge him. I'll make it right."

Liara just nodded and rested her cheek on top of Shepard's head, reluctant to break the contact. Closing her eyes, she wondered what this meant for the future. She now knew that Shepard felt something for her, but did it change anything? The most important thing was to stop Saren. Liara knew that she should just set her feelings aside and deal with them after he was defeated, but her mind kept returning to Shepard's words. She wanted to tell the commander that she was important to her too. Part of her wanted to relieve herself of the heavy truth sitting in her own heart, and part of her wanted the commander to know that someone cared about her above all others.

She wasn't sure how long they just sat there in each other's arms. Over time, Shepard's sobs subsided, but she didn't break contact. Eventually, when Liara reluctantly decided that they should probably get up, she realized in surprise that Shepard was limp against her. She listened to Shepard's deep breathing and concluded that the commander must have passed out. Not wanting to wake her, Liara gently lowered Shepard down onto the floor. She didn't think she could lift her, at least not completely limp, onto the bed, without biotics. Liara debated whether it was better to try to wake the commander up or let her be. She ultimately settled on letting Shepard sleep, and placed a pillow under her head and a blanket from the bed over her. She also took off Shepard's boots and placed the half empty bottle of liquor on the table.

Kneeling back down by the commander's sleeping form, Liara tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear and studied her face. In her sleep, Shepard looked younger, more vulnerable. It was a reminder that she was just a person, same as any other. No matter what people saw when they looked at Commander Shepard, the truth was that she could feel just like anyone else and suffer loss just like anyone else. It was an incredible burden, the fate of the galaxy, but Liara hoped she could make it a little lighter. She brushed her fingertips against Shepard's cheek. Tomorrow would be a new day, and Liara knew that Shepard would hide her pain behind her professional mask. But for now, she was safe and allowed to be imperfect. She was simply human.