One of the things I love about Liara's character is that she's cast in the stereotypical shy, introverted character role, and yet when you actually examine her at any length you realize that she's super direct and will just say what's on her mind. You definitely get a sense that even if Liara feels embarrassed, she isn't going to let it hold her back. Whatever self-consciousness she feels, she sort of just blows on past it in her pursuit of information. I think it's such an admirable quality and it's one I love to showcase in these stories. I also like to contrast that with how Sophia Shepard is seen by everyone else as kind of untouchable, and yet she's hyper aware of how people perceive her. She's constantly navigating thoughts of how people view her versus what do they want from her versus what do they need from her. She certainly isn't insecure, but she's preoccupied with her public image. To some degree this is necessary and a huge asset to her, but it obviously has its drawbacks as well. As we come to a crossroads for these two in terms of acknowledging their feelings for one another, we'll definitely see this dynamic play out.

Anyway, it's time for all this dancing around their feelings for one another to come to a head. Leave it to Liara to throw tact right out the window. Also, despite sharing the name of a chapter from the first edition, this chapter is from scratch with a slight nod to that particular chapter. I wanted to more clearly convey some of the dynamics of their relationship that we will see play out over and over again. Namely, how these two just fundamentally understand one another in a way other people do not, and also how much respect they have for each other.

Also, as a humorous aside: I mentioned last chapter that I keep an outline for the story. I have a couple of things written down for this chapter, but one section literally just says "mind meld time," and I forgot I wrote that, and it caught me off guard and made me laugh.

The Best We Can Do

Liara waited for Shepard the next morning unsure what to expect. The commander had been pretty drunk the night before and Liara wondered if she would even remember their discussion. She also wondered whether Shepard would show up at their usual time, or if, for the first time since she had met her, Shepard would sleep in. Yet, at the appointed hour, the door to the captain's cabin opened and Shepard appeared looking as she always did. She wore a clean, crisp uniform and had her hair tied back in the typical way. The only indication that anything was amiss was that her complexion seemed paler than normal.

"Good morning, Shepard," Liara said.

The commander winced at the words, then put on a smile and said, "Morning, Liara." She went to grab her habitual mug of coffee before sitting down across from the asari. Liara noticed that Shepard sat very still, her hands wrapped around the mug, but she did not take a sip.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

Shepard took a deep breath. "Like death warmed over."

"Maybe you should try to get some more rest."

Chuckling a little before wincing, Shepard said, "You obviously don't know what the military is like. I'm an old hand at this. I'll be fine. I just need to outlast the nausea. There's too much to do to take a day off. People need to see me acting normal after… well what happened."

They sat in silence for a while. Shepard was obviously trying to keep her composure while Liara studied her. Liara wondered if she should even mention what Shepard had said the day before. The other woman was acting like nothing had happened, although she did seem to acknowledge that Liara had seen her drunk. She also didn't want to ambush Shepard while she was hungover, but she couldn't get what Shepard had said out of her mind. She'd admitted that Liara meant more to her than anyone else on the ship. Did that mean that Liara wasn't alone in her feelings? She had tossed and turned practically the whole night turning the question over in her mind. She needed an answer.

Finally, Liara said, "Shepard, about what you said last night…"

The other woman groaned and put a hand to her forehead, rubbing her temple. "Shit. I was hoping that part was a dream." She took several more breaths, closing her eyes as she continued to rub her temple. "Listen, I was drunk and not making any sense. Please just ignore everything I said."

"But you were saying how you truly felt." It wasn't a question. It wasn't an accusation. It was simply the truth.

Shepard opened her eyes to look at Liara. "My behavior last night was unprofessional and inappropriate. I should not have gotten drunk. I should not have said the things I said. And I should not have put you in a position to witness that. I sincerely apologize and I am begging you to just forget it."

But Liara had long since moved past being deflected by Shepard so easily. She saw the defiance in Shepard's violet eyes and knew that the commander was prepared to deny it if she had to. She would not freely admit that her feelings for Liara went beyond mere friendship. Therefore, Liara did not confront her directly. Instead, she went right to the heart of the matter from a different angle. "I care about you too, Shepard."

Whatever the commander had been expecting, it wasn't that. She openly gaped and gasped, "What?"

Liara didn't back down. "I care about you in the way that I think you care about me. As more than just friendship. I just wanted you to know, so that there were no secrets between us."

Shepard stared at her, looking suddenly tense. Liara couldn't tell what was going through the commander's mind. She looked ready to protest, but there was nothing to deny. She couldn't disavow Liara's feelings because they weren't hers to control. She also looked genuinely surprised, as if she had no idea that Liara cared about her in that way. Liara knew that she had successfully disarmed the commander by making herself completely vulnerable and placing her heart into Shepard's hands. It probably should have terrified her, but she knew that no matter what Shepard did with the information, she wouldn't deliberately hurt Liara.

"Liara…" Shepard said quietly, her voice pleading. The asari couldn't tell if she was pleading with her to kiss her or take it all back. There was another long pause and then she added, "We can't."

"Because of the Alliance's rules."

"Yes."

Liara sighed softly. "I figured you would say that. Is it the only reason?"

She watched Shepard's face twist in pain as the commander seemed to argue within herself. With great reluctance she said, "You deserve better, Liara. I don't live a normal life."

Liara couldn't help but let out a derisive laugh at that. "I know what you do for a living, Shepard. I can make my own decisions about what I want."

Letting out a slow exhale, Shepard said, "I know. I just –" She trailed off and stared at her mug of coffee on the table. For a while, she seemed fixated on the liquid that had started to go cold, then she returned her eyes to Liara and continued, "I just can't, Liara. I'm sorry."

Liara studied Shepard's face, trying to understand what the commander was thinking. Shepard wasn't happy with her own decision, that much was clear. But her happiness was not the deciding factor. Liara thought about what Shepard had said the day before when she was drunk and her guard was down. She had worried about her judgment being impaired by her own emotions. She had worried about her crew feeling that their lives depended upon her personal favor. And those fears were controlling her now, preventing her from even thinking about pursuing something that she wanted. In Shepard's mind, she probably thought that caring about Liara in that way would be a betrayal of the rest of the crew.

Liara also thought about when she had joined minds with Shepard and had realized for the first time how deep the commander's need for control was. She was so desperate to control everything that she could in an otherwise uncontrollable universe. She controlled how people saw her, she controlled the battlefield, and most importantly, she controlled herself. To give into any feelings she had for Liara would be to invite unpredictability into the commander's life. It would shatter the image others had of her and the one she had of herself. It would make her vulnerable in a way she had never been.

And because Liara knew these things, she also knew that nothing she could say would convince Shepard to relinquish her control and take a chance on her feelings. It was exactly what Liara had feared from the moment she realized that her feelings for Shepard were stronger than she initially thought: it didn't matter. With a deep sigh, Liara said, "If that is how you feel, I will not push the issue."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. "And we can just forget what I said yesterday?"

Liara knew that she wouldn't forget what Shepard had said. It had been the truth, unguarded and unmasked. Instead, she answered, "We can remain friends."

Shepard nodded, clearly relieved. "Thank you, Liara."

They sat in awkward silence for a while. Eventually, Liara summoned enough courage to say, "This probably is not the best time, but we do not really have the luxury of waiting… Now that you interacted with the second prothean beacon that Saren found, I think we should join minds again to try to interpret the vision."

Shepard, who had already looked a bit pale from the hangover, somehow went even paler. It was the reaction Liara had more or less expected. Joining minds would immediately put their agreement to simply stay friends to the test. Liara watched a multitude of emotions flicker across the commander's face, ranging from apprehension to dread to resignation. Finally, Shepard said, "You're right. It's the only lead we have left." She rubbed her temple again, closing her eyes. "Give me a bit to tough out the hangover. I'll come find you when I'm ready."

~.~.~.~.~

All Shepard could think about for the rest of the day was what Liara had said: I care about you in the way that I think you care about me. It was a kick to the gut that she hadn't been expecting. She'd prepared herself for embarrassment after spilling her heart out to Liara while drunk. She'd even been prepared for a cold, awkward reception in the morning or for Liara to avoid her all together. But, like always, Liara had done something unpredictable. She had completely disarmed Commander Shepard.

Rejection would have been easier. She would have understood, and she would have fully accepted it. Instead, Shepard had somehow found herself in the unfathomable position of being the one to reject Liara. It didn't make any sense, and Shepard wondered what she had done to deserve such a cruel twist of fate. She'd spent the last thirteen years accepting that the life her parents had dreamed for her would never come to fruition. That the child named Sophia, who had wanted a normal and happy life filled with family and friends and love, had died on Mindoir. The soldier that emerged from her ashes knew that she had been spared so that she could counterbalance some of the evil in the galaxy. Liara didn't fit on the path that had been set out in front of her.

Shepard's heart was racing as she entered Liara's makeshift office. She wanted to run away, but she knew that the asari had been right. They needed to crack the mystery of the prothean visions before it was too late. But being in Liara's presence, when she knew that the other woman was attracted to her too, felt like torture.

Liara stood to greet her with a smile, and Shepard couldn't tell whether it was forced. "Are you feeling better?" Liara asked.

Nodding, Shepard answered, "Yeah, pretty much back to normal."

They stood awkwardly for a few seconds before Liara offered Shepard her hand. The commander stared down at the offered hand with trepidation. She knew that Liara was trying to make the mind meld less daunting for her. The asari had been correct that the physical connection made it easier to stay grounded. But now any contact between them seemed fraught with meaning and the potential for heartache. Yet, Shepard couldn't think of how to decline without offending Liara and upsetting the balance of their tenuous friendship. After a brief pause, she gripped Liara's hand.

"Close your eyes," Liara instructed. "Empty your mind."

Shepard did as she was told. Closing her eyes, she tried to calm the swirling thoughts in her head. All things pass, she thought, letting the words push away everything else. Love and mankind are grass. She continued to repeat the poem to herself until she finally felt quiet in her own head. Suddenly, she felt something pressing into her mind, attempting to break the solitude. Instinctively, Shepard pushed back against the other force. She felt a squeeze from Liara's hand, reminding her to calm down. Taking a deep breath, Shepard forced herself to lower her guard and allowed that other presence to enter her mind.

And then Liara was there, inside Shepard's head, her presence nearly overwhelming. It felt like a memory of someone if that memory were all consuming. Liara's presence tugged at every feeling of their time spent together. It pulled at the image of Liara that Shepard had built in her mind – that image of Liara which filled her with awe at her intellect, her strength of character, her beauty. It wrenched at the pain she felt knowing that any future with Liara was just out of her grasp.

Shepard wanted to suppress those thoughts and hide them from Liara's view, but she could not. They were too strong and too immediate to bury. Yet, just as her thoughts were laid bare for Liara to examine, Shepard was aware of what Liara was thinking. She saw the image of herself in Liara's mind: a fierce protector who was a loyal and thoughtful friend while also smart and creative – a far better person than Shepard thought she deserved credit for. She felt Liara's desire for a deeper connection, and now that she knew what exactly that meant, she felt the heat rising up her neck. But Shepard was also aware of the restraint Liara was exercising because she respected Shepard's no.

Before either of them could dwell too long on any of those thoughts, Liara triggered the vision from the beacon. Shepard watched the vision play out for what felt like the hundredth time. The key difference this time around was that the planet at the end had vastly more detail. She could see that it was a terrestrial world with buildings spread across the surface, fighting not to be swallowed up by the encroaching jungle. Because of the Cipher, she recognized the prothean architecture and that the buildings looked to be part of a research facility rather than a city. The planet was equal measure vibrant with plant life and inhospitable. If not for the buildings it would have looked desolate, with great swaths of red dust and frequent lightning storms.

When the vision had ended, Liara pulled back from Shepard's mind almost immediately. Although the commander was relieved to no longer have her thoughts exposed, she couldn't help but notice a slight twinge of loneliness from Liara's withdrawal.

Immediately, Liara gasped and said, "Ilos! The Conduit is on Ilos!"

"Ilos?" Shepard asked. "Where exactly is that?" Realizing that she still held Liara's hand, she quickly released her grip.

"It is in the Pangaea Expanse, which is linked to the Mu Relay. It makes perfect sense. Ilos is thought to be a lost city of the protheans and remarkably intact. Whatever the Conduit is, it must be there."

Shepard wanted to hug Liara for figuring it out, but she stopped herself. Instead, she said, "You're brilliant, Liara! Now we know where that bastard is heading."

Liara flushed at the praise. "I am just glad I was able to help. But Saren will probably expect us to figure it out and come after him. He may have geth warships waiting for us around the planet. Not to mention his Reaper ally, Sovereign."

Shaking her head, Shepard said, "You're right. We should expect the worst. But surely the Council will help us given what's at stake. I'll call them right now."

She turned to go and then stopped, looking back over her shoulder. She felt like she should say something to clear the tension between them, but she didn't know what to say. She didn't know how to express that despite how unhappy it made them both, this was how it had to be. Shepard could not be what Liara deserved.

As the awkward silence stretched between them, Liara broke it by saying, "It is ok, Shepard. We need to stop Saren."

It wasn't ok. Shepard knew that. Despite what each of them said, the truth had been laid bare by the meld. The words were out of her mouth before she could claw them back. "Maybe, after this is done and we aren't fighting anymore… maybe…" She let her words trail off, not entirely sure what she was trying to offer Liara. It felt like a weak promise – a vague maybe that hinged on them surviving Saren's attempt to bring about the apocalypse.

But Liara smiled and nodded slightly. "Maybe then."

A promise. Less than Liara had wanted. More than Shepard had dared hope for. And the best either of them could do.