Chapter 9: Healing Pain
I wince as light spreads across the room. Katara quietly steps away from the window. Hands on my knees, I stare at the bowl of water she left on the bedside table. Being bare has never been a problem, and my robes are not the most conservative, but even if it's for healing purposes...it makes me nervous today. I didn't want to look at the state of my body while changing, but I know it's not pretty. Even if I can't see the wounds, I feel them. They rub on the fabric of my robes reminding me they're there. Even if I wanted to pretend they weren't, they won't let me.
"Aang?"
I shake my head, "Huh?"
"Are you ready?" Katara asks gently. I nod hesitantly as she climbs onto the bed. The mattress sinks behind me. On the side of my neck, her fingers curl under my top robe and carefully lift to slide them off my shoulder. A shiver runs across my spine as my scars breath. Tense silence fills the room as water from the bowl lifts and disappears behind me. I sigh and my body leans into Katara's hands as she bends water on my back. Unlike the last time, it doesn't feel clogged. It doesn't feel twisted. Just cold, and though I welcome it, my stomach twists with discomfort.
Katara works silently from my back to my shoulder. I grimace as her touch stings on my burn. My fingers instinctively clutch my pants before releasing as Katara heals the skin. I close my eyes with relief, "Thanks, Katara."
Silence. It stretches so that I open my eyes confused. Truth be told, Katara has been rather quiet...probably too quiet all things considered. I frown.
"Katara?"
"...hm?" Her voice is barely above a whisper.
My eyebrows form a straight line as I turn my head to look at her. Vibrant blue eyes filled to the brim with tears are glued to my back. Stubbornly, she holds the tears in and bites down on her quivering lip. Our eyes lock on each other as she lets go of the water healing my burn. The water splashes on the bed and her tears begin falling down to her chin. Unsure of what to say, I stand and wrap my arms around her shaking body.
"Aang, I'm so sorry."
My eyes widen. Sorry? What could she possibly have to apologize for? Ignoring the soaked bedding, I climb on the bed with my knees against hers. Hesitantly, I let go of her and wait for her to gather her thoughts.
Barely above a whisper, she asks, "Why can't I find the words to say say to you?"
"I don't know what to say to you."
My mind almost shuts down. What can you say to a killer? What do you say to a killer? I don't know either. I look down at our hands that now lay on our thighs apart from each other. Is this where she can't stand me? Is she going to ask me what happened with Ozai? Did she see his body? Did she notice his neck? She must have. Will she ask me?
I swallow a lump that forms in my throat as my heart jumps. Her hand cups my cheek so tenderly that I'm unsure as to how to describe it. Something akin to pain engulfs her eyes as she asks, "How much pain are you in?"
My lips part in disbelief. Suddenly, I'm very tired. My shoulders hunch and though I consider avoiding her question, I find that I don't have the energy to. My heart aches unbearably. How much pain do I feel? What kind of pain am I in? My eyes sting.
"I saw him...Ozai," she starts seriously, "I know this wasn't what you wanted, that you did what you had to do."
Her words stab through my heart. I didn't have to. I could have chosen another way, but I didn't. I look away from her. Her hands warmly cup my cheeks and lightly guide my face back in her direction. Fiercely, she says, "You did the right thing, Aang."
Rebellious tears finally fall. No, Katara. I did a bad thing. I didn't have to. I chose to. I was wrong. When I get the courage to tell you, you'll think so too. I beat on my chest heavily with my fist, "No, Katara. I didn't."
One by one, sobs begin escaping my lips. First, they begin as tiny whimpers before rising into throaty gasps that fill the room. My arms tightly curl into my chest as my body rocks back and forth, fists still feebly pounding my chest in hope of some relief. I hardly feel Katara's embrace in the midst of my despair.
Her hold tightens, one hand on my lower back and the other on the back of my head. She tucks her head on the curve of my neck, her own body shaking with mine, "I'm so sorry Aang. I'm so sorry."
I can't hold my tears back. They just fall and keep falling. I want to tell her it okay. That she has nothing to apologize for, but at the same time I can't help think, what's the point of sorry now?
"Why couldn't you understand me then?" My voice just above a whisper, "Why couldn't you have held me like this before?"
"I'm so sorry." She cries onto my neck.
My heart heavy, I wrap my arms around her. Holding onto each other for dear life, we stay there.
Toph
I lay my chin over my knees and wrap my arms around my legs. A cool breeze (as cool as you can get in the Fire Nation anyway) blows under the shade of the tree I sit on. I know it must be early still considering not even the turtle-ducks are splashing around yet. Dang you, Katara. It's quiet and it makes it seem almost melancholic. Toph Bei Fong doesn't do melancholy.
Still, in the silence, on my own...I can't help let my thoughts wander. Aang killed the Fire Lord. The war is over. Soon everyone will know. Soon, we can celebrate, but I-
I pause my train of thought to puff out a breath of air. My bangs lift away from my face before falling back down.
I have Aang, Katara, and Sokka. They're my friends, my family. Zuko and Suki too. Even though it's been a awhile (or maybe because it has been so long), I can't help think of my parents. They hid me, controlled me, and ultimately suppressed me. It's one thing to be so overprotective, but when they saw my talent...why couldn't they at least be a little proud of me? As far as anyone is concerned, I shouldn't be able to bend to the ability that I do, but I proved that wrong. My so called weakness is also my strength. Why couldn't they be just a little impressed?
I hate it.
I hate it because despite everything that happened; I still love them. I miss them. In my head, I can't help hope that they miss me too. I want to hope they love me too. More importantly, I wish so much they could love who I am.
I'm not an emotion detector. Azula proved that my lie detecting can be fooled. However, detecting changing heartbeat patterns is my specialty. Maybe, it isn't the mood of this place I have to blame for my thoughts, but rather Zuko and Aang. They're doing a piss poor job of pretending to be okay.
It's hard to stay upbeat when Aang's heart sounds like he's a second away from a heart attack anytime he's standing. And honestly, I can't blame him. Talk about pressure (there was plenty of that). Talk about choice (there was not a lot of that). But, what really makes the difference here is who was being asked to get the job done. Aang is the Avatar. No one can deny that. But Aang is still twinkletoes. He is soft and sweet and carefree. I don't mean it as an insult or to say he's not strong or capable. He is. There's a reason he's here now.
Nevermind that Ozai was evil and that it was to save the world, that's not really the point. Aang, the fun loving pacifist that thinks all life is sacred was told he had to kill another human being. I frown, why couldn't we have shown a little more understanding, a little more comfort, for his pain. It's too late for that regret now I suppose.
Zuko, the guy that so straightforwardly voiced the need for the Fire Lord to die (the man that also happened to be his dad). I can't speak for him, but he's no Azula. He might fool everyone else here, but he felt something when he found out Ozai was dead and he felt something when he saw his body. I rest my forehead on my knees.
I sigh in a whisper, "What a nightmare."
I hope you guys enjoyed this one. Thank you so much for all the the lovely reviews! To be honest, I'm curious to see what you guys think of this one... so if you feel like reviewing, please do!
Quote of the Chapter:The funny thing, or maybe the frustrating thing, of having people that love you...is that just like their pain is yours—your pain also becomes theirs; and so, it has the power to bring you together and also...to tear you apart.
-Pyrenees