A/N: I just...I'm going to stop saying when updates might be because plans always don't go as planned for me, so lets see when next update is. Hehe, hopefully not a month later. Thank you all for the kind reviews and follows and favorites, it means so much! You guys have no idea. I get so happy when I get notifications, hehe. I hope you guys enjoy the chapter, I enjoyed writing it and feel free to review if you can spare the time or want to take some time to do so!

Chapter 12: Conflict

"Have you guys heard back from your dad again?" Toph asks Sokka and Katara, "When will they get here?"

Katara looks away from the box containing her robes to answer Toph, "He said they should be here in time for the coronation. Apparently, Haru and Pipsqueak had a little too much fun celebrating so they had to rest for a few days before heading toward the port."

From behind the folding screen we set up in one of the common areas in the palace, Zuko's voice sounds, "Does that mean he's taking me up on my offer?"

Sokka responds without taking his eyes from his restored warrior's garment, "Yeah, we told him Bato was going to be in charge of the ship too, so he said to thank you. He probably really appreciates the gesture..."

"We do too." Katara adds elbowing Sokka.

Zuko makes a soft noise of acknowledgment and moves on from the subject by poking his head from the side of the screen, "Do I really have to do this? I feel ridiculous."

"Madam Shin said you must try them on to make sure they fit appropriately," Katara reminds him.

"She said to try them on, not model for you guys." He scowls.

I laugh as Sokka teases him, "Come on Zuko, lighten up. We just wanna see you all royal like."

Zuko rolls his eyes before disappearing behind the panels grumbling, "You'd think I was getting married."

"We'll be sure to do the same when that happens," Suki assures him. As Zuko grumbles in response, Suki's eyes twinkle mischievously.

"Come on Sparky. I'm running out of snacks and that's the only reason I'm here! Unfortunately," Toph says waving her hand over her face, "I can't appreciate your beauty."

"That makes me feel better."

I side glance the box containing my robes. For the past week, I've divided my time between roaming empty halls, attempting to have productive discussions with stubborn war generals, and fitting my robes for Zuko's coronation. Hence, the latter I'm not worried about.

"So?"

A grumpy Zuko stands looking every ounce the part. I lean back on one hand, "Wow Zuko. You look great!"

I mean it too. It feels weird to see him in those robes, but it suits him. Strong and confident. If I didn't know him any better, I might be intimidated.

"I guess we gotta get used to calling you Fire Lord Zuko now." Sokka energetically says.

Zuko smiles awkwardly, "Zuko, is just fine Sokka."

"Yeah, meathead." Toph grins, "We don't want him getting a big head."

Katara smiles, "I'm sure we don't have to worry about that. Zuko, you look good."

My stomach squeezes oddly. Shaking the feeling away, I ask him, "So, are you ready?"

"Yeah..." Katara murmurs shocked, "There's little time left until your coronation."

"I'm nervous, but I'm determined to do good by my people." Eyes flashing, he continues, "I'm going to do everything I can to redeem the honor of the Fire Nation."

A knot covers the airway to my lungs. Reminding myself to breathe, my lips curl into a smile as Sokka pats him on the back.

"That's the spirit!"

I fell asleep thinking about Zuko's desire to undo the wrongs of his nation. If there is anything I've realized lately, it's that it does me no good to think before bed. Still, when my chest expands suddenly as I blink away the haze of my dream and the covers above me fall to my lap as I rise, my heart throbs erratically. What was that?

Catching my breath, I glance at the window. The sky is midnight black and the curtains sway with a soft breeze. My body trembles, but I can't remember my dream. Nothing except a pair of glowing green eyes. Halfheartedly, I try to recall anything else. The scream caught in my throat tells me I don't really want to. Sighing, I stand from the bed. No use trying to sleep now. Instead, I repeat a pattern that is quickly becoming a habit. I grab my glider and exit my chambers. Walking along the dimly lit corridors, I pause as I reach the spot where my current path intersects with another.

Zuko, holding a handful of scrolls, walks little space away. A servant follows behind him with a tray holding some type of dish and tea. When they disappear into a room, I keep on my path until I can finally welcome the fresh breeze outdoors. With new lightness on my feet, I look around for prying eyes before popping my glider open and taking off.

Katara would have a fit if she saw me, but I do feel better. It was, and still is, a bit uncomfortable to hold the position necessary to fly; however, as my sleep became increasingly disturbed, I couldn't help but want to be...I don't know...free, in some type of way. Maybe, I'd heal faster if I just listen to Katara and stay in bed all day, but as I near the royal gardens, there is no doubt in my mind the discomfort is worth it if I can have an escape from my restless nights. Besides, it's not that long of a flight. And really, if anyone should be pressured about getting enough rest, it's Zuko. Recovering from a lightening strike is no walk in the park and if he keeps stressing himself awake trying to fix decades of mistakes...

I let the thought drift away as I land by a sleeping Appa with a groan he matches. His eyes flutter open and I reach to give his head a pet, "I didn't mean to wake you up, buddy."

His tongue peaks out to lick my face in response. I laugh, "I guess that means I'm forgiven."

He grumbles as he rolls on his back, feet in the air. Fondly, I run my hands across his stomach, "Buddy, I wish I was a flying bison too."

Flopping back on his stomach, his eyes watch me intently. I sigh, "Maybe then I could just lay on top of Zuko and force him to sleep!"

Appa huffs, sounding almost indignant. My shoulders slump, "Oh come on, Appa! You're a twelve ton flying bison! A perfectly good weight for your size."

He turns his head away. I groan and wrap my arms over the arrow on his head, "I'm sorry, Appa. All I'm saying is that you are the best comfort and I don't know how to talk to Zuko about sleeping without admitting how I know he's been staying awake. I don't think he'd tell anyone I'm having trouble sleeping, but..."

I trace the grey fur on his head slowly, "I feel silly."

Tonight, I don't remember the contents of my dream. It's a small mercy, I suppose. The days before have been a mix of recollections on my final encounter with Ozai and morbid scenarios in which I failed to complete my duty. The one that lingers most however, is not gory nor explicit. One may even confuse it for a good dream, but the fictitious reality serves only to torment me. In that place, I didn't kill Ozai, but I manage to render his ability to bend non-existent. I close my eyes. How can I face Zuko? Zuko who is so tirelessly working to build a better future for his nation, while I am stuck replaying the past and wishing for a different end in my dreams...

Appa nudges my head in comfort. I spend the next hour or so with Appa blowing leaves. Eventually, I fly my way back to the palace and by the time I walk back into my room, I'm sleep deprived enough to fall asleep.

We've gathered together in a drawing room. I'm not sure if it's been a day or two, or even three. If it weren't for Sokka and his infinite love for scheduling, I wouldn't even know the time. Zuko watches me with an expression I can't quite recognize while Katara is clearly tense. A hand comes to rest on my shoulder lightly and I know it's Suki when she starts speaking behind me, "Aang, are you sure that this is what you want?"

When I look at her, she doesn't conceal her concern. However, something in her gaze reassures me that she has no intention of changing my mind on the subject. It makes me pause. Katara then draws my attention, "Maybe you should stay here. Especially with Azula coming."

Her worried gaze turns into an icy glare as she turns to Zuko. I nearly shiver. For his part, Zuko keeps his stare on me, but a flicker of doubt crosses his eyes. Firmly, I say, "I have to."

"You don't have to do anything." Growls Katara.

Her eyes hold a dangerous glint that evaporates when our eyes meet. There is no doubt in my mind we are both thinking of that night in Ember Island. The one in which I took my frustrations and shoved them in her face. The one in which my most trusted confidant wasn't able to help me. A trickle of resentment drops on my chest, but I push it down and it turns into guilt for letting it exist when Katara's eyes turn sad, "You've done enough."

I would imagine Katara would understand what I'm feeling better than anyone, having chased after Yon Rha. The need to face the person responsible for so much of your pain pushes you to them; but then, it's a different scenario. Where as Katara had looked her mother's murderer in the face and walked away; I killed Ozai out of a twisted mix of rage and duty. In this scenario, I am the assailant. Perhaps for that reason, I shouldn't even be allowed to the burial.

Suddenly, I feel very thankful to Zuko.

It's occurs to me that Zuko hadn't suggested I attend the burial for Ozai's honor—not that I had thought it so—but maybe as a final conclusion. I killed his father and Zuko had known I would have to do it eventually, yet still joined me. Even taught me the skills I would need. As scrambled and mixed as I felt, I imagine Zuko must feel the same. My heart weighs me down. Zuko will have to say goodbye to the horrible father he betrayed next to the insane sister who worshipped said father's spit and next to the boy that committed the crime. I hesitate.

Suki gives my shoulder a squeeze, "We'll respect whatever you decide, we just don't want you to feel pressured to go."

Pressure to attend Ozai's burial is the last thing I feel. When Zuko first suggested it, I had been nervous at just the thought of it. Though, he had very strongly stated that I by no means had to attend, he just thought I might be interested. The more I thought about it, the more I couldn't help myself from feeling the need to go. Ozai is dead. I killed him. I saw him. Despite that, it almost feels incomplete. And then, Zuko told me Azula would be there, I had felt panic, hot and all consuming. Yet, it convinced me because I wanted to know...I want to know...I want to see how it affected her. I want to see her pain.

I look at Zuko again when he says to me ashamed, "I'm sorry, Aang."

Frowning, I ask, "Why are you...?"

"I didn't mean to...," softly he murmurs, "I genuinely thought you may want to...see it to the end. And I, well...I'm not really sure of what I'm doing, but you...whatever it is, you just go on..."

He didn't need to explain himself any further, even if everyone else looked confused by what he was trying to say. Gently, I reached to give Suki's hand on my shoulder as soft squeeze before letting it drop at her side. Katara frowns, but I smile reassuringly, or at least I hope it looks that way. Stepping a feet or two from Zuko, I grasp his arm above his elbow and pull him into a tight embrace. My arms circle around his shoulders and his around my center. It's a little awkward the way he hugs me at first, but I hold him until the tension leaves his body and he lets his head drop on the fabric covering the scars on my shoulder. He doesn't make a sound. He doesn't even move.

"We're friends, Zuko. We...I...will always help you. You are not alone." I pause to let my words sink in before speaking again, "I want to be there, if I didn't I would have told you. You gave me plenty of opportunity to say so. I need... Well, I don't know what I need, but I'm going for me. If anyone is being selfish, it's me."

He raises his head and takes a step back, but our hands stay locked on the other's arms just below the elbow. He snorts gruffly, "Don't be ridiculous."

"I'm not." I smile, "I can't imagine Azula will be happy to see either one of us. Especially me."

Zuko lets go. His hand rises to cover his eyes as he groans frustrated, "Aang, I-"

"Stop." I grasp his shoulder, "I'm the Avatar. I can handle it...unless, it's Azula you're worried about?"

"Azula has always been unstable." Zuko grunts as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Which, if I'm being honest, it is.

"I killed her dad, Zuko. I wouldn't be surprised if it's too much for her. Heck, I'm surprised you even want me there. I killed your dad, Zuko!" Zuko blinks as if he couldn't understand my words.

"That's exactly why you should stay here!" Katara exclaims. Her blue eyes watch me furiously. I feel a pang of hurt. Before I can formulate a response, she turns to Zuko, "Why would you even bring it up? Do you know how hurt Aang was after...after...having to kill Ozai? Don't you think he's suffered enough without having to see the man who tried to kill him and the girl who did while next to the boy who once tried to captured him for said people?!"

I find myself lost of words.

"Katara," Sokka reaches for Katara, but she steps back as he speaks. "Maybe, you should calm down."

Her eyes flash, "Calm down?! How am I supposed to calm down when you have...this...ridiculous idea! The last time Aang and Azula were in the same room she killed him."

Katara's voice dropped into a horrid hiss by the end of her sentence. Wildly, like a cornered animal, she snarls, "You didn't see it, but I did. I was there. I saw it! HE DIED, SOKKA! SHE KILLED HIM! HE WAS DEAD! DEAD!"

Panting, Katara clenches her fists tightly. Toph speaks after a long silence, "Katara...he's alive now."

Katara glares at her feet. Her arms cross over her chest. I vaguely wonder if the mixed feeling of warmth and discomfort in my chest is what the monks had been talking about when they told us to prepare for adolescence's sentient madness.* I walk to Katara. As I move, I find Sokka's gaze. His eyes are solemn. Thanking the spirits, I return his nod of assent before he shoves everyone else from the room. Then, I speak.

"I need this."

Katara deflates before my eyes for a second and then her temper flares, "Why? Why do you need to put yourself in that position? That's not like you, Aang."

"Not like me what, Katara?" I ask her, "Not like me to be selfish."

Katara snaps warningly, "Not like you to be reckless!"

"Not like me to kill either, but here we are."

I had thought of calming down Katara. That was the whole point of talking to her alone, but instead I find my frustrations rising and she seems to feed from them too. I'm not thinking really about what I'm saying...I'm just saying it and maybe that's why what she says next slaps me across the face.

"It's not like you to be so thoughtless!"

I flinch away from her and she hesitates, but she's angry enough that it doesn't stop her from pointing an accusing finger at me, "I know Zuko wants you there. I know that you want to be there, but you can't. What are you hoping to achieve? Be honest with me. Zuko says you want closure. I don't think that's true. I know you Aang."

I glare at her, "You know me so well you let me go that night on Ember Island."

Neither I nor her know what night I'm talking about exactly, but I see it in her eyes that just like I am thinking about the play and our argument about Ozai, she is too. Turning her back to me she starts, "Zuko-"

I scoff and her shoulders tense, "Is this really about me, Katara? Or is it about Zuko?"

Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. I want to dig a hole and bury myself in it. What am I even saying? Katara whips around fast, her eyes narrow dangerously, "Don't do that. You and I both know that this is about you."

Do we?

"I don't believe for a second that you will reach closure by attending Ozai's burial. I don't think you believe it either."

"Maybe you don't know me that well."

She takes a step forward, "What happened to revenge being a two headed rat viper?"

I take a step back, "I'm not seeking revenge..."

She steps forward.

"I didn't say you were."

I take a step back.

"You want it though."

The back of my knees hit an armchair.

"Ozai is dead." I whisper falling onto the seat, "What other revenge..."

The silence rests heavily on my chest as Katara backs me into the chair. My heart slams against my chest. Her eyes are raging seas. She leans over me for what feels like an eternity, "You want her to hurt you and I refuse to watch you do that to yourself."

I look away.

How do I even respond? My voice wavers, "You're wrong."

She stands to full height and I find the courage to rise again. I don't know what possess me to say it, but I do, "I don't just want it. I need it."

Zuko

"Are you okay, Zuko?"

Suki's gaze is soft. I nod. I'm far from okay, but I'm hardly dying. I expected a reaction like that if I'm being completely honest. It still makes my stomach churn anyway.

"You know we don't hold any of those things against you? I know it took a lot of guts to leave all this and join us." Toph tells me, "Sugarqueen doesn't think very hard about what comes out of her mouth when she says things sometimes."

Sokka rests a hand on my shoulder, "What are you thinking?"

What am I thinking?

Running a hand through my hair, I sigh. I knew Aang would have to kill Ozai. I knew that the consequence of joining Aang would mean I would— in essence—be a helping hand to Ozai's demise and yet, I never really pictured him dead. I never thought of how it would feel. There's no lost love between Ozai and I, the same goes for Azula, but it stings.

My own mother thought I was a monster.

I close my eyes. Azula had concluded herself that mom was right on that regard...yet, it still hurt her. Ozai had thought the opposite of me, but that made me weak in his eyes...it had hurt. All of this should have been warned me. My love for Ozai, my desperate desire for my father's approval, died before the man himself. Still, my heart hurts and screams in anger. With his death he had left with the thought that I was alone. My mother could very well be dead. Ozai is dead. Azula is insane. That left Uncle Iroh, but somehow, I doubt he has any plans on sticking around if his refusal to take the thrown is anything to go by. I wouldn't ask him to either.

A brother killing a brother for power.

He's done enough for me as it is. The least I could do is keep him from that burden. It does give me a pause though. I didn't join the Avatar to become Fire Lord, but with Ozai defeated: Azula and I would be eligible. As far as custom goes, it would be my right with Uncle's refusal, but I had fought Azula...and so, I just wonder how that is any different from Uncle Iroh's position? Will the world—would history—look kindly upon me?

And so, hate bubbles. If he had been a better person or even a better father, maybe then I wouldn't feel so utterly alone. Maybe then, I wouldn't feel so empty. If he had loved just a bit, I could at least feel pain by the loss and not the stinging pain of what never was.

Shame trickles over me. Do I have any right to feel this way? I mentally kick myself, for all of Katara's overprotectiveness, she's makes a good point. My ancestors wiped out his entire nation, my sister almost killed him and my father certainly tried. In my foolishness, I was no better. I never mean to be heartless, but killing Ozai was inescapable and unavoidable. He needed to understand that and as much as he is a goofy kid...it was his duty to do it.

I feel a stab on my chest. It's not fair. I know it's not, but those are the facts and maybe because I can't change them, it hurts more. Aang has been...wonderful. That kid could get run over by an ostrich horse one day and be up and running the next. Though he tries not to let it show, I know it pains him, his actions. I know he said air nomads don't believe in violence, he sure doesn't. Yet, he did it anyway and he's kept it together somehow and he hasn't become an emotional recluse, or hateful, or bitter...not to the degree I would have expect. This twelve year old boy took the weight of the world on his shoulders and still has the compassion for his snarky friend.

As much as I believe that seeing Ozai one last time is something he needs—a final good riddance of sorts (I doubt that's how he would see it, but I can hardly explain my mentality as it is)—I won't deny that his presence aids my selfish need for strength. It's a dysfunctional family, but I don't know what Azula's reaction will be like and despite the bad blood, I can't deny her the right to be there. It's bad enough I wasn't the one to tell her the news, nor see her subsequent breakdown. I was told by the healers at the mental facility that attending his funeral would be painful for her and perhaps not the best course of action; but ultimately, it was my decision and she had expressed the desire to attend. I don't know what possessed me when I agreed to her attendance, but I did and I just can't face it alone.

I sigh and finally answer Sokka's question, "That I'm an idiot."

Quote of the chapter:

Contrary to popular belief, smiling is not always equivalent to happiness. A lack of expression is not synonymous to a lack of emotion. Great pain can make the strongest cry, but no tears is not proof of no pain.

-Pyrenees

*Reference to something I read somewhere once, I don't know where it's from, but it felt right