Chapter 13: You're Lying

I shaved the stubble off my head and bathed. Though I'm clean as I can be, my reflection is pale. The skin under my eyes is dark. I exhale softly through my mouth as I adjust the collar of my robes and throw my cloak on, leaving the hood hanging on my back. I've barely made it out the door when an arm wraps firmly around mine. Katara doesn't look at me. She merely pulls me along, ignoring my hesitant steps. Soon, I begin to match her pace and in silence, we walk along the corridor. We've almost make it to where the rest must be waiting, when she stops.

Donned in a dark cloak much like mine, her hair loopies are pinned in place. She lets go of my arm and places her hands on my shoulders. Her mouth is set in a deep frown and her brows are furrowed. Her gaze is intense. Suddenly, I'm pulled into an embrace. It's warm and her strong hold anchors me to the present. A hand presses on my back and the other on my head. My cheek leans into the heat of her neck and it's all I focus on for that moment. Quietly, I hear her say, "You know how I feel about today, Aang. I don't agree with it. You shouldn't have to . . ."

"Katara, I-" My hands are limp at my sides and her arms tighten around me.

"Aang, listen to me." She pulls away, but her hands stay at my shoulders. Blue eyes shine with worry and then look down defeated. Gently, she trails her hands down my arms to my hands. Her hold is tender as she speaks, "I don't agree, but if this is what you . . . if this is what you need to help you let go, I want to be there. I want to remind you that you are not a bad person. Whatever you think you did wrong, you deserve to be happy."

I nearly cry as she talks. For all the confusion in our relationship, there is so much affection in her voice and I feel unworthy of it. Because, once again, that feeling nags me, the resentment that lingers nags me. I want to yell at her how much I needed this all those weeks ago. How much I hate to hear it now because she doesn't know! She doesn't understand how wrong I was! She doesn't understand that I could have chosen differently. I was wrong! Yet all the same, the fact that she's here is comforting. Her warmth and kindness sooths just a bit of the pain, it makes it bearable as much as it distresses me.

Carefully, I blink away the moisture. I catch disappointment in her eyes when I pull my hands from hers. I should tell her. For the first time, I consider it seriously. Maybe then, she'll be disgusted. Then, she would understand why I was bad. Then, I could let go once and for all. Like my first encounter with Bato, guilt and fear overcome me. The shame that came with hiding the map to their father washes over me once more. Sokka had been furious and Katara, hadn't said anything, but she had left with him. They had left me, rightfully so. This time, I wonder if their reaction would be the same . . . It scares me to think it will, but I would deserve it. I have more to lose now then I did then too. Suki, Toph, and Zuko. Spirit's, would Zuko forgive me? Would Suki and Toph leave too? Would they judge me?

I should be terrified to end up alone. I am. Yet, I don't deserve the compassion. I don't deserve the affection. I need to come clean. Finally, I make my choice. One last time, I reach for Katara's arm and wrap it around my own. I don't look at her as we walk, but I know her kind eyes are on me. When we reach the rest, they take one look at us. Toph's are murky as always, but her face twists into something akin to interest too. If they have any questions, they keep them to themselves.

Katara unwinds her arm. Gently, she pats Zuko's arm. My heart squeeze just a bit. Will I be the one that ends up pushing them together? Pushing aside those thoughts aside, I follow her and clasp Zuko's other shoulder. The smallest of smiles rests on his lips. Gratitude shines brightly in his eyes.

Sokka clears his throat. Next to him, Wan Lee stands stoically, "The Fire Sages await in the Garden of Tranquil Souls, Prince Zuko."*

Zuko nods. Wan Lee bows deeply and backs away from the room. From there, we make our way outside. Appa is waiting for us. I half expect Katara to say something. However, she only climbs onto Appa's head beside me. We don't talk. We don't even look at each other and it feels like there are thousands of thoughts in my head, but my mind is blissfully blank. It's an odd kind of tingling pressure around my head that I feel. The wind blows in my face and I wonder how the day could be so clear. The skies are blue and there's only the occasion cotton ball in the sky. The air is warm and wraps around me snuggly.

Then, I see it. I shiver as Appa begins to descend onto the graveyard. The Fire Sages are all gathered and two women in white robes stand beside a wheel chair, one on the left and the other on the right. There is a girl on it. She's completely strapped on from head to toe. Her hair is loose and bangs are chopped off. I hardly recognize her. Yet, when she looks up, I know it's her. Golden eyes stare blankly, so unlike the calculating glint I'm used to seeing in her. The smirk that had always been so confident is now nonexistent. I hesitate for a second before jumping off Appa without a second thought.

Azula's expression falters when she sees me. I might have missed it if I had blinked. Then, as if she hadn't seen anything, her head flops down. The two women beside her bow to Zuko. Katara grips my arm. Her eyes glare at Azula as she leads me to the Fire Sages' furthest away from her. Zuko follows closely behind us with the rest.

"We are gathered here today, for the burning of . . ."

The words, voices, and people around me melt into the background.

Usually, the visits to the Fire Nation with the monks consisted of trying new food, learning new things, exploring, and playing with Kuzon. I learned about the customs and traditions for celebrations and none of it matters. Not now. My body is just shy of 13 years, but it's been over a hundred. Everything I knew is different. I wonder if I'm glad funerals are not something I ever saw on my travels here.

Ozai's hair has been combed and lays neatly on his shoulders. He's dressed entirely in simple white robes. His feet are bare and hands rest flat on his sides. He looks peaceful, innocent. The fear on his face pops into my mind. An inferno spreading across acres of land and his laughter rings in my ears. I feel the heat. I find it odd, how simple his state of dress is considering the fascination he seemed to have with grandeur. Although, the golden frame he rests upon shines brilliantly, along the side, there are intricate carvings of flames and phoenix in mid flight.

Four servants each grab a chain attached to the frame, one on each corner of it. Pulling up and back, they begin lifting the frame with Ozai on it. Azula, who hadn't raised her head once since we arrived, raises her head enough for me to see her lips twitching. Slowly, the servants lower Ozai into the hole that had been dug before his tomb stone.

"Fire burns ever so brightly to warm our homes and heat our food. Fire burns ever so brightly to destroy our foes and protect our own. Fire gives life, keeps us alive, and in death grants us goodbye."

Dozens of white paper birds are thrown into the hole with Ozai. The Fire Sage leading the ceremony holds a single one in his hand and lights it on fire. With a gentle flourish, he tosses it in. It all catches. I take a step back. My skin stings and eyes water. Zuko is transfixed by the flames. Sokka looks distinctly sick. Toph and Suki cover their nose.

Katara says something, but I don't hear her. Azula throws her head back with shrieking laughter. Tears stream down her face. "It's been a while, Avatar."

Her father is up in flames, dead. Uncomfortable doesn't begin to explain a fraction of a what feel in this moment. I frown.

"You expect me to believe he killed father, Zuzu?" Her gaze shifts away from me. Almost as if singing, she giggles, "She sent you didn't she? DIDN'T SHE?"

Zuko looks lost. Azula snarls, "Zuzu. I am still alive."

"That can be arranged." Katara murmurs darkly.

I shiver as Katara's grip tightens around my arm. Her nails dig painfully into my skin.

"I am FIRELORD!" Azula yells. Her golden eyes are wild and full of tears as she screams hysterically, "I deserve the throne! ME! I won't let her take it from me! She won't get away with it! YOU ARE WEAK ZUKO! WEAK!"

From her eyes, tears fall uncontrollably. A part of me envies that she can lose control like that. I have the odd thought that it would be nice to just let go. Then, she begins to breath fire. The flames lick her healers. On instinct, they let go, clutching their arms yet seeking Azula with their eyes. Arms tied around herself, hair in disarray, she laughs maniacally, "I killed you once, Avatar! I can do it again!"

I yank my arm from Katara's death grip as Azula attempts to burn herself out of her restraints. Commanding as much water from the air around me, I soak Azula. In a rage, she keeps screaming. Flames from her mouth set the grass around us alight. I feel the rest begin to approach and I stomp my foot. A barrier rises around Azula and I. Her flames grow stronger as her cries get louder and the heat reaches me, but I stay and watch.

"Aang! What are you doing?!" Katara's voice floats in the background.

There's arguing behind me, but I focus on Azula. I don't know how much time passes before her cries drown into whimpers and whimpers fall into silence. Eventually, her hysteria ends. Her eyes stare blankly at the place where her father burns. Without an ounce of emotion, she says calmly, "I will kill you."

I can't say what possesses me to do as I did. Crouching down to her, I whisper the question, "Would he have done the same?"

Her face twists nastily, "You didn't expect to live if we captured you, did you?"

"That not what I meant." Her lips twitch, almost snarling. I ask her again, "Would he have mourned you?"

She falters. I stand. Then, I lower the barriers. With my back turned, I tell her, "They didn't deserve to live. That was the last thing he said to me."

I turn to look her in the eyes. Azula smirks. Surprisingly, her expression does little to me. I don't let her speak, "I didn't have to kill him.''

It's quiet. No one makes a sound. My heart beats erratically, but it's fortunate that I only have to say it once. Hardly louder than a whisper, I begin darkly, "How could I let a man like that live? At the crisp of death, tied down in the direct path of the Avatar's power . . . I was prepared to let him live. I showed him mercy. He mocked my people in return."

"You're weak, Avatar."

I laugh, "Am I? He said the same, you know. I'm the one alive."

Azula pauses.

A thoughtful look crosses her face before she glares. I plop down next to her, "Maybe, I am. Not in the way you think though."

I wondering if I look as unstable to my friends as she does. I wonder if I am.

"He didn't think of you his last moment. All he cared about was superiority, definitely no room for you."

"You're lying."

"Why would I?" Tears are falling again and I'm sad for her. Still, I tell her, "Would you like me to show you?"

She doesn't answer.

I begin to crawl closer. My hands are on her forehead and chest in no time. Distantly I hear noise, but I close my eyes and focus. Recalling the lion turtle, my body relaxes. In the era before the Avatar, we bent not the elements, but the energy within ourselves.

I remember the peace, the calm I felt. Gently, I let it sit. As it stands; despair, confusion, and loss begins to set in. I let it touch me because it's familiar. It doesn't scare me. Then, I let go. Fear shines in her eyes. I stand.

"I won't kill you, Azula." I tell her, "I can do worse though."

I twirl my hand in the direction of my glider. I say finally before I leave, "Ozai was not someone worth throwing away your life for, just saying."

Time heals, undeniably. The issue is always the length.

-Pyrenees