If I Were an X-Man
"How is this?" An armored-up Piotr asked positioning a large, stylish sofa.
"Move it another foot or so to the right," A heavily bruised and beaten Remy directed while sprawled in a well-padded easy chair. "A little more and…there. Perfect."
"Yay!" Pyro cheered plopping down onto the sofa. "Ooo, this feels good! Great work, mate!"
"Yeah, good job, homme," Remy praised with a wince. "Sorry I couldn't help you unload all the new stuff. Not after being caught and worked over by that crazy, grudge-holding femme."
"It is okay," Piotr assured. "Moving all the furniture into the base was easy."
"Man, it's great to finally have some high-quality comforts to lounge on around here," Pyro smiled fluffing a cushion. "It would've been nice if we'd gotten a few fireplaces and classy wood burning stoves too."
"It would have been nice if we had actually paid for everything this time," Piotr frowned. "Instead of stealing it like we usually do."
"It wasn't stealing," Remy corrected. "It was simply taking advantage of the furniture store's unofficial, unannounced, one hundred percent discount sale."
"And that place would've gone out of business anyway," Pyro added. "In another seventy or eighty years…"
"That still does not make it right," Piotr sighed.
"Hey, c'mon, mon amis. Don't look so gloomy about it," Remy encouraged. "After all our other outings and missions Mags has sent us on, I'd have thought you'd be used to it by now."
"Yeah, don't be be such a downer, mate," Pyro agreed. "If you get any moodier someone just might mistake you for one of the X-Men."
"Hey, no need for that kind of insult, Pyro," Remy scolded. "Piotr would never be marked as one of Old Baldy's self-righteous spoilsports. Much less ever consider joining up with them, right homme?" Remy turned towards Piotr expectantly only to be met with silence. "Piotr?"
"Well, actually…" Piotr began slowly.
"Huh?" Pyro blinked sitting up and staring at his teammate in surprise. "What? No way!"
"I have sometimes thought about what it would be like to live at the Institute instead of here," Piotr admitted. "Though I would much rather just go home. I even received an offer to join the X-Men once."
"What?!" Pyro gasped in shock. "How?! When?!"
"It does not matter," Piotr shook his head in resignation. "It is not like I ever had a choice."
"Wait, you mean you really believe in Xavier's pipe dream of peaceful human and mutant relations?" Remy was stunned.
"I do not know," Piotr sighed in confusion. "Such a possibly does seem unlikely. But the dream of living and being a student at Xavier's often seems appealing."
"But…but you couldn't do that!" Pyro protested. "Just think of everything you'd leave behind! The joys, the games, the flames, me, Pippi…!"
"That's not exactly helping your case, Pyro," Remy quipped.
"Do not worry," Piotr assured his friends. "I would not really pack up and go and join Xavier's. At least not without saying goodbye."
"No! You can't leave!" Pyro wailed leaping up and giving Piotr a big hug. "Not after all the fun and fiery times we've been through! We're mates! We're pals! We're family! Waahhhhhh!"
"Well, I wouldn't go that far," Remy mused.
"It is okay. I am not going anywhere," Piotr said prying a crying Pyro off and setting him back onto the sofa. "I simply think and wonder sometimes about such a dream. To what life would be like if…if…" Piotr paused and stared off into space for a moment. "If I were an X-Man. Loyal, helpful, careful, honest, modest, friendly, brave and strong."
"Huh?" Pyro blinked at Piotr's musing.
"Living in a place where I belong," Piotr went on. "If I were a real X-Man!"
"Oh boy," Remy whistled. "I think Piotr finally lifted one heavy load too many."
"I'd work to build a future!" Piotr continued passionately. "Where all humans and mutants of every type could get along!" He smiled with a strange look in his eyes. "If I were a real legitimate, proper, valid, genuine X-Man!"
"No! Don't say stuff like that, Colossus!" Pyro scolded. "Why bail and sign up as one of Old Baldy's lackeys instead of staying here with us?"
"I think you just answered your own question," Remy quipped.
"I'd live in a mansion with actual windows! Where one can view the sky and sea!" Piotr grinned and began to dance around the room. "Smell the fresh grass and sit by the trees to read!"
"Gotta say, that's one benefit of living at Xavier's," Remy admitted. "Being able to wander about and enjoy nature instead of being cooped up in this metal shoebox all the time."
"Yeah," Pyro smiled at the thought. "Just think how well all the grass and shrubs and bushes and trees would burn!"
"Grow plants in the garden or in the greenhouse! Enjoy the pool and well-stocked library!" Piotr went on dreamily. "With all the extra bathrooms one could need!"
"Now that'd definitely be a plus," Remy noted. "Way better than having to keep using the same communal hygiene facilities as Sabes."
"I'd attend school and receive a good education! Learning all there is to learn!" Piotr sang waltzing about. "Painting and sketching to my heart's delight!"
"You can do that here too," Pyro pointed out. "Like the time we made that giant mural of Mags being eaten by a school of tigerfish."
"Have friendly debates and insightful discussions with my peers! Free of any worry or concern!" Piotr continued. "And never have things break into a fight!"
"Eh, I wouldn't be too sure about that," Remy warned.
"Ah! If I were an X-Man!" Piotr smiled prancing among the newly acquired furniture. "Loyal, helpful, careful, honest, modest, friendly, brave and strong! Living in a place where I belong! If I were a real X-Man!"
"Well, what else could you be?" Pyro asked. "And unreal X-Man?"
"The X-Men are by definition unreal," Remy quipped. "And not in a good way. Except of course for my sweet, lovely chérie…"
"I'd work to build a future! Where all humans and mutants of every type could get along!" Piotr declared. "If I were a real legitimate, proper, valid, genuine X-Man!"
"Hey, there's no shame in being illegitimate either," Pyro commented. "Just like my great-uncle Sidgwick. Well, more like my grated-uncle Sidgwick after he caught his foot in a pasta maker…"
"Oh no," Remy groaned covering his eyes. "Not that story again…"
"I would train and push my mutant powers to the limit! Learning teamwork and control!" Piotr puffed up with pride. "Striving to be the best that I could be!"
"Not need to do that, mate," Pyro waved. "We're already the best!"
"In more ways than one," Remy smirked wiggling his eyebrows.
"Embarking on important missions with fellow X-Men! In the self-appointed role!" Piotr sang ignoring his friend's comments. "To protect mutants and humanity!"
"Well, I wouldn't go that far," Remy thought for a moment.
Piotr stopped and spread his arms wide. "I could receive praise and compliments from adults for once!" He declared and struck a righteous pose. "Being treated politely while being called by my codename!"
"You should always want to be called by your codename," Pyro said. "Just like me!"
"'If you please, Colossus!'" Piotr mimicked being addressed as such. "'You have done well, Colossus!'" He stood and raised his hands to the heavens. "Standing tall and without a need to feel shame!"
"Eh, nothing new about that," Remy shrugged. "I do it all the time."
"No more discomfort!" Piotr bellowed. "No more disgrace! No more dishonor!"
"Nope, never been associated with any of those," Pyro noted. "Disaster and discord however…"
"I could go out with respect and pride and not have to feel guilty!" Piotr's eyes twinkled at the thought. "For there'd be no more insanity!"
"Wanna bet?" Remy smirked.
"I would be free from all the abuse and insults which Magneto always throws at me!" Piotr went on. "No more having to work as an Acolyte!"
"Better than working a typical nine to five," Pyro remarked. "And with much better benefits too!"
"I could relax and have the freedom of choice to live a straight and moral life!" Piotr smiled at the thought.
"What's the fun in that?" Remy quipped.
"Without a single spark or flame in sight!" Piotr added.
"Okay, that one I'll give you," Remy admitted giving Pyro a glance. "I'd be nice not having to be an involuntary firefighter twenty-four hours a day."
"Ah! If I were an X-Man!" Piotr sang and began dancing around even more energetically than before. "Loyal, helpful, careful, honest, modest, friendly, brave and strong! Living in a place where I belong! If I were a real X-Man!"
"No! Stop thinking like that, mate!" Pyro urged. "Everyone knows the flames are always brighter on the other blaze!"
"Which is why everyone tries to stay as far away from such flames and infernos as possible," Remy drawled. "That is if they're sane. Unlike a certain somebody we all know…"
"I'd work to build a future! Where all humans and mutants of every type could get along!" Piotr shouted stopping and raising his hands to the heavens. "Oh, why did I board this cursed tram? Why must I endure all this bedlam? Would it spoil some vast, eternal plan…?" Piotr trailed off and paused dramatically for a moment. "…if I were a real X-MAAANNN!"
"WHAT WAS THAT?!"
"Huh?" Piotr blinked and turned around to see a glowering Magneto standing in the doorway. "Uh oh."
"'Uh oh' is right!" Magneto roared using his powers on Piotr's armored form. "Nobody leaves my service without permission! Seems you need a reminder of how I treat attempts to desert!"
"No! Wait!" Piotr protested as he was unceremoniously levitated out of the room. "I was just thinking out loud! I did not really mean it! Ow!"
"Oh boy. Looks like Mags is even more ticked off than usual," Remy gulped as Piotr yelped in pain. "And to think it was just yesterday when he vowed to kick us all out of the base for good. And the day before that. And the day before that. And the half a dozen or so times this morning…"
"You don't think Colossus would really leave and join the X-Men, do ya?" Pyro asked nervously. "He's our mate! I'd really miss him if he were gone."
"Na, don't worry about it, Pyro," Remy assured. "Piotr's as likely to wind up joining the X-Men as me!"
Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "If I Were a Rich Man".