He'd never been to one of these places before.

Not outside of the job anyway and he hadn't thought it would feel different, but it did. Felt more like a failure, like it was his fault his friend had ended up here, like if he'd just paid attention he would have seen the signs and been able to pull him back from the edge. How hadn't he seen it? He knew the fucking signs, not just because the job demanded that he did but because he'd dealt with a situation like this once already, the few months after his discharge from the military when Greg had still been in Michigan. When he'd been calling him at 3am, unable to sleep and trying to get his approval to take just one more pill. He'd gotten Greg off them, helped him turn things around and that had been from states away.

How had he not noticed his friend who sat two damn desks away?

"Name?"

For a second just blinked at the woman with the clipboard, someone who probably didn't miss anything, then gave her an awkward smile. "Uh, Jay Halstead. Here to see Antonio Dawson."

"Oh Tony. That's great. He hasn't had any visitors except this older gentleman- I'll go tell him you're here."

At least Voight was keeping an eye on him.

Part of Jay wanted to be angry at his boss for missing this too but he knew that wasn't fair- all of them had. But he was still going to blame himself the most. After all, none of them had known Antonio longer than him.

"Jay."

A decade of friendship and he hadn't seen he was in trouble.

But he could see he didn't want him here.

"I told Voight I didn't want-"

"He didn't tell me." He spoke quietly, there were other… patients around and he didn't want to disturb them or make a scene, and thankfully Antonio's pointed finger slowly lowered. "He wouldn't. So I found out myself."

"You didn't have to come. I'm going to be out of here soon-"

Again he cut Antonio off but this time it was with a hug that was as much for himself as it was the other man, which was maybe why he returned it so quickly. It didn't last long, neither of them were great with vulnerability but his friend was more relaxed when they pulled back and when he motioned for Jay to follow him to the back garden he went. Pretty nice for a rehab facility, at least the ones he'd seen.

"What did he tell the team?"

"That you're taking some time to get yourself today."

Antonio huffed but nodded, his hands slipping into the pockets of his sweatpants as he looked around the yard. "You know I'm going to be okay."

"I do. But it's okay if you aren't right now. The only-" He cursed silently as the words got caught in his throat and it didn't help when his friend noted that and tried to push.

"The only what? Jay, I swear if you're going to get all sappy-"

"I should have seen it. And I'm sorry I didn't. I'm sorry I wasn't there. I should have been-"

"No you shouldn't have." Antonio said firmly, shrugging before he turned to look at him head on. "I hid it. And that's on me. No one but me."

He wanted to accept that, but he couldn't.

They all hid their shit but a good friend was supposed to see past that, was supposed to push, to not accept things at face value. They were supposed to pay attention.

And he hadn't.

"Something else you want to talk about?" Antonio asked gently but though his friend gave him a pointed look he shook his head- he couldn't make up for past mistakes.

But he could try to avoid making them again.

"I'm going to be here, alright? Through the rest of your treatment, and after- if you want you can crash at my place, or I can take the couch at yours, whatever you need, I'm-… what?"

A decade he'd known the man in front of him and he hadn't ever seen him look at him that way.

He didn't think he'd seen him look at anyone that way.

"You don't- sorry, that was an overstep. Of course you wouldn't want-"

"I didn't think you would offer." Antonio cut in quickly and Jay couldn't tell if he was more surprised or remorseful so when he took a moment to look over the little garden, scant and scrapped together but clearly tended to with love he stayed quiet. "I spoke to Gabby and with Diego and Eva in university and Laura doing her own thing and my parents… being my parents… I decided it's time to leave. Figured there wasn't much left here for me, ya know?"

It's time to leave.

There isn't much left here for me.

No.

He supposed there wasn't.

He certainly wasn't enough of a reason to stay, especially not if his own family wasn't, not even if they were supposed to be one too. Having each others backs on the job was one thing and none of them had ever faltered on it, but out of it…

Out of it what were they beyond a group of people who worked together?

"But maybe…"

He wouldn't have expected his throat to get thick when his coworker spoke up again, or for his chest to tighten when he saw the same sense of loss and longing in his gaze but for the loneliness it soothed he'd be as vulnerable as he needed to be.

"Maybe right now I shouldn't be making life-altering decisions. I still want to visit her, I need to clear my head but if the offer still stands in a month or so-"

"Of course." Jay interrupted, shaking his head before nodding to the other man. To his friend. "It stands as long as you want it to."

With a nod of his own and a slow growing smile Antonio clapped him on the shoulder and led him back inside with a joke about how willing he would be to smuggle him in a burger. Which was very. He knew that one conversation wasn't going to solve everything, it might not solve anything, Antonio might be in better spirits but he still had things he needed to work through and he might still decide that living in Puerto Rico was better than Chicago but at least if he did… At least Jay would know he had tried. He could hold his head up knowing he'd done what he could to be there for his friend. And if he did leave…

Jay promised he wouldn't let this lesson go to waste. He wouldn't wait until another friend was in trouble before he stepped in. After all, this was supposed to be his unit one day.

It was time he stepped up.