Jay emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl, bracing himself on the sides of the stall with his hands. The guilt is intense, and the fear is even stronger. The look on Erin's face tears into him; he could tell from her eyes just how scared she is, even though she was doing everything she can to be brave, to appear unbothered, she was scared. As soon as Erin had bolted from the bullpen, her dad's phone in hand, he made a beeline for the bathroom, barely able to keep what little he ate today down. His stomach turned again. His head remained hanging over the bowl. He coughed and then straightened up when his stomach started to settle. He tried, but struggled to compose himself. And then the urge overcame him to vomit until nothing was left.
Erin had stepped outside to make a phone call, needing to update Kim on the recent updates because she'll likely be out of office for the next couple of days, at least until this is sorted and someone needs to take over her caseload. All while Intelligence took advantage of Erin's absence to lay out plans to visit his former place to question his former girlfriend who is genuinely being looked at as a suspect. For murder, his stomach turns again and he hunches back over the toilet seat. Not only for murder, he mentally corrects himself, but for cyber stalking as well. Every time he shuts his eyes, he pictures everything Abby must have seen in the months of footage she managed to watch. It's sickening. He remembers it being gifted around the baby shower, but he can't remember all the times that he and Erin kissed, fondled, and fucking slept together in the vicinity of that damn, fucking, creepy as hell octopus.
Jay reels his head back from the stench of the vomit mixing with the toilet water. It makes him queasy again so he takes the bottom of his foot and presses down on the handle to flush it.
"DAMN IT!" He slams the palm of his hand against the stall, "FUCK!"
The feelings related to Milah's unsolved murder were weighing on him, and now guilt is creeping in over finding out Abby has more than likely been spying on them, stalking them just as Milah had warned. She told him, cautioned him, and the part of him that hesitated in believing her initially, he was struggling to forgive. He brought her into their lives and she's been screwing with them ever since; she tried to make it seem like she moved on, she let go and went her separate way but it was all a lie, especially with Mouse telling them that the last time the camera was in action was a little more than an hour ago. Today. She had been watching them as recently as today, times where he was home and when he was at work which meant the focal point of her obsession in watching the videos weren't just for him, but for Erin and maybe the baby too.
His mind keeps circulating around the fact that he brought Abby into all of their lives, into Erin's, into Milah's, into Emma's, into all of them, and the consequences of her behavior feels as if it falls on his feet too. He's fucking sick to his stomach because Abby is not only a cyberstalker, but she's a potential suspect in a murder investigation. His stomach turns again, and though he thought he was finished, his digestive system managed to find something else to dispose of, "You've gotta be fucking kidding me."
Jay finally finds the nerve to leave the stall and when he approaches the sink, and sees his reflection in the mirror, it looks as if he drastically lost weight in the short time since he found out the news. He rinses his mouth to wash the bitter taste away, and when remnants remain, he steps out of the bathroom and goes to the bottom drawer of Mouse's desk to borrow his mouthwash, needing that extra boost of freshener. And by the time he returns and slips the bottle back in its original place, his mind is a little clearer and his concentration is a lot more focused. He had his moment. He feels the guilt. But, he thinks about Milah's words when it comes to feelings and allowing himself to feel the emotions, to not deny them, but accept them and then allow them to move on, to not judge himself for being human, and even though there's a strong urge to sulk, to lock himself in the nearest bathroom and stay there until he can figure out how to undo all of this. It's unrealistic. And he'd never forgive himself if he didn't play a part in bringing Abby down once and for all. He wants to see her locked up for the rest of her life, throw the key away, lose it for all he cares, but he wants her behind bars permanently. He can focus on working through his guilt when all is said and done, but for now, he has to shove the feeling down because there's no way he can keep working if guilt stays at the forefront of his mind.
"Hey Halstead," Ruzek clasped his buddy's shoulder, "you good?"
Jay shook his head, and laced his fingers behind his head, still trying and failing to catch his breath, "I'll be better once we have her behind bars," he grits, not even bothering to say her name out of concern it'll make him queasy again, "We need to get her off the streets. She's desperate and she clearly lost her mind. I never would have guessed she'd do something like this which means she's unpredictable and that's dangerous for a person that has lost their fucking mind."
"...and we'll find her, and we'll reserve the darkest cell in the county just for her," Adam reassured, "I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. I know you must be going crazy, but just know none of this is on you, none of this is your-"
"Ruzek," Jay interrupts with his head snapping up and shooting his friend a sharp glare, "I appreciate you trying to cheer me up, I really do, but the only way that's happening is with her behind bars. I don't need a pep talk, or words of encouragement or to be told it isn't my fault, I just need answers and you're not the person who can provide them." Jay turns away from his buddy and faces the squad, "we need to bring Abby in for questioning." Though he's not in charge, the team nods at his command, "I'm positive she'll crack under pressure."
It would be a disservice to Milah to ignore all of the tools and skills he's learned in therapy, all the progress he's made and the steps forward he's taken to move backwards when it's more reason to believe that her death is partially his fault. He can't have her dying in vain. And though he can feel himself wanting to blame himself the more he thinks about it, he has to keep a leveled head because at the first sign of weakness, he knows Voight will happily kick him off the case. And more importantly than all of that, he made a promise to her son, one that he intends to keep.
The team disperses, all to go to their respective desks, hop onto the database, all in an effort to find Abby's current location. Jay intends to call his neighbor to see if Abby is home. He withdrew his cell, putting the phone to his ear once it starts to ring, "I'm going to call my mom and give her a heads up," Erin interjects before his neighbor answers, "If Abby tries to log into that app, she'll see it's disconnected and it could set her off." Good thinking. At least one of them can think clearly right now, but she doesn't have the weight of guilt crushing her chest. Jay hangs up minutes later, meeting the gaze of his boss and shaking his head, signifying that Abby wasn't home and according to his neighbor hadn't been home for over an hour. Where the hell could she be? He thinks to himself, suddenly realizing he really doesn't know her as well as he thought.
Erin returns, "she didn't answer. She's probably cleaning; she tends to get lost in her head doing that. I'll send her a text and then call back in a few minutes."
"We don't need to waste too much manpower on finding Jay's ex," the rasp in Voight's voice mixed with the bitterness in his tone tells Jay that he isn't happy with the redirection, a part of him sounding as if he blames Jay for bringing Abby into their lives, "Erin will keep calling her mother, Mouse will work on locating Abby while we finish up on our actual case."
Erin could hear the noticeable irritation in her dad's voice rise and used that opportunity to mumble about updating Kim before quickly making her departure out of the bullpen. Jay watches her backside until she disappears down the stairs. He gives it a few more seconds before he turns back to the team, "Dawson and I have reason to believe Abby killed Milah." Every head looked up, every finger stopped typing and remained hovering above the keyboard, and every jaw dropped as all eyes fell to them, then for a moment, a brief one, he was awarded a break when their gaze went to Antonio, only to come back to him when Dawson remained quiet, eyeing him to follow his lead on how he wants to break the news.
There's no easy way to say any of it. So, he starts from the beginning. He tells them about Milah's warning to him about Abby, he talks about finding out that Abby was seeing Milah under an alias, about how she's the only client that truly has motive and would have opportunity. Milah most likely trusted her, had her guard down with her, and considering Abby visited the practice so often, she'd know about the cameras, about the blindspots, about Milah's schedule. She'd know about it all. And Milah was left blindsided, not aware she was falling into a trap laid out for her by his psycho ex-girlfriend. A trap that had to be weeks, maybe over a month in the making if they go off when Abby started seeing her for therapy. Jay wraps up the story with his tone matching that of his boss's last words, "so sir, with all due respect, it looks like we do need to use every ounce of manpower to find my ex."
Jay turns to go back to his desk, only to stop with his front foot in the air when Olinsky of all people commands, "No one tells Erin right now. Let's bring Abby in for questioning then we loop her in, but we need Abby off the streets first. We don't need Erin doing anything stupid."
"...but Al-" Jay tries to interject.
Voight takes it upon himself to chime in this time, obviously in agreement with his closest friend, "This is an active investigation. The spyware is one thing, but this murder case is something else and whether you like it or not Halstead, she's a civilian and until we have concrete proof, this stays in house. Do you understand?"
"But sir-"
"If you do not then that tells me you're too close and I'll be forced to sideline you. So, I will ask again, do you understand?"
Jay's shoulders slouch, "Yes sir."
"Can I count on you to listen and work inside the lines?"
Halstead unintentionally releases a dry chuckle.
"Did I say something funny, Halstead?"
"It's just ironic coming from you about working inside the lines."
"I'm not going to be going back and forth with you. Not today, I'm not in the mood. If I can't trust you to listen and work inside the lines, then I'll have you bumped into writing tickets for expired parking meters until the case is wrapped up, is that understood?"
"Yes sir," Jay nods. His jaw is clenched tight, it remains so rigid that it aches. So stiff that Erin zeroes in on it to immediately catalog his discomfort, "Hey," she returns, her hand reaching out to grab his pocket, tugging him to come towards her, "I know you're worried but we'll figure this out. I'll keep trying to call my mom until she answers and Intelligence didn't get that name for no reason. We'll find her and we'll have my dad throw her in the cage and accidentally lose the key after we do." She grinds her teeth along her bottom lip.
And he calls her out on it, "You could have tried to be at least a little more believable."
"Is it that obvious?" Her head falls forward, forehead resting upon his chest, "I updated Kim about the octopus, she's freaking out," for a short second she looks over her shoulder at Ruzek, meeting his concerned gaze, "she'll probably be calling you soon," and as if she could tell the future, his phone immediately rings and he briefly steps away to answer his girl's call, all while Erin turns back to face Jay, forehead going back to seeking solace against his chest, "I'm just worried. I tried my mom again and I don't understand why she isn't answering."
"She's probably busy, kid."
Erin remains frustrated, her dad's words offering no comfort, "She's not that busy." She hands him back his cell, the gesture a show of admitting defeat.
"We're from a different generation than you all. We didn't grow up with phones glued to our hips," he chuckles, his tone of voice much different than how it was when speaking to his team.
"None of this is funny," Halstead remarks, and the look on his face tells Voight that he desperately wants to say more, say something else, tell her, but Voight readjusts his standing posture, his stature reminding him of who's in charge and Jay cannot lose access to insight into this investigation to tell Erin something he'll eventually be telling her hours from now. Jay just wants her to know as soon as possible because if she finds out another way, she'll be pissed.
He could always tell Erin and promise her not to say anything, but he doesn't know how good of an actress she'll really be able to be considering it involves Abby. And on top of that, he gave Voight his word that he'll listen and he cannot go against an obvious order, not when it isn't exigent circumstances, but the second things escalate, if they do, she is the first one he's telling.
"I agree," Erin's response is delayed as she pulls out of his embrace, the back of her hand going to her head as a pounding ache starts to form, "I'm starting to get a headache. I think I'm going to go home, put my eyes on them. It'll make me feel so much better."
"I think that's what's best," Voight agrees, more so to get her far away from the investigation rather than because he actually thinks they're in danger, if Abby was smart, she'd be hightailing it out of the state, not adding fuel to the fire by endangering his wife and grandchild.
"Mom's going to get an earful for making me worry like this, I swear."
"Try not to be too hard on her kid," he squeezes her shoulder reassuringly, "she agreed to watch her grandbaby not work the front desk and answer phone calls." He pecks her forehead, then his office phone rings, "I'll be right back." Erin nods then turns to Jay, finally the two of them are somewhat alone, though in a bullpen surrounded by detectives its different than having her dad in their orbit. She steps back into his radius, his gravitational pull attracting her in. If the circumstances were different, they'll be able to focus on the flutter in their hearts, the blush to their cheeks, and the way in which when the other person is present, all of their attention is on them. But, they can't. Not right now. Erin is worried and if Jay thinks too long and hard about it, he'll admit to her that he's just as worried, though he knows that concern won't get them anywhere, it'll only exacerbate Erin's own feelings and have her speed racing down Central Ave.
Jay settles on opening his arms, a silent invitation inviting her in. She doesn't object or think too long. It's a magnetic pull that she's fully willing to embrace. They've hugged many times in the past, and this one is not unlike their many ones previously, pulling and pushing every ounce of compassion and love into it that the other needs. It's the same fuel, the same renewed energy, this embrace of theirs, but at the same time it's different this time. When she's able to take a deep breath in, it's not the stale coffee simmering in the breakroom or the ice machine down the hall she hears, it's his heartbeat. As her ear lays against his chest, above his heart, she feels and hears the racing of his heart, and she knows if he were to lay his head against her chest, he'd feel the same. They're more alike than they give each other credit for, they tend to mirror actions, both deliberate and unintentional which only continues to prove that he's her person and she is his. It is a show of proof for destiny, the kindred spirits that they are and how just being in his arms relaxed her enough to at least be able to drive home safely. She feels his lips brush against her forehead, and she knows he forgot where he is and he forgot who they are surrounded by, and if she wasn't the daughter of their boss, she knows he'd be in for a world of teasing because of the obvious display of affection. It's the only time really that it's beneficial for her dad to be the boss, "I can honestly hold you in my arms like this forever."
"I can honestly stay in your arms like this forever."
All they're missing is their little one who tends to fit so perfectly between them, nestled in comfort and completing their family. When they eventually pull back enough to look at each other, neither missing the tears that are resting in each other's eyes, the relief there is palpable from being protected in one another's embrace, so when they kiss, it's everything. And yeah, her heart is beating a thousand times faster than it normally does, and his stomach is churning with all the what ifs or what comes next, what comes once the kiss ends and the realities of the real world resume, but with her boyfriend here in her arms, she feels at home, just as he does with his girlfriend in his, he feels at peace, like he can take on the truth that's confronting him, the accuracy he's registered and can now accept to be truth in Dawson's words from earlier in the day. The hug and kiss may be out of place, but with the events of today, finding out about the camera and how it links back to Abby, they know if they didn't find out now, it could potentially lead them down a dangerous path and for them, for all of them, they caught on before Abby can act, before whatever twisted plans she may have been formulating could be put in place.
Both make the mutual decision to end the kiss, Erin taking the bottom palms of her hands to wipe below her eyes, to clear the teartracks off her face, "I know my dad wants me to get this no contact order as soon as possible but I think I'll do it tomorrow. I really just want to hold and smell my baby right now. I want to go home, put my eyes on her and keep them on her at least until Abby is caught." Jay could understand; if he had the luxury of leaving early, he'd be right behind her, but he knows once she leaves, until they locate Abby to bring her in for questioning of the spyware, they're going to be pulling in some long nights.
"Since you left your phone at the house," Voight exits his office, "take mine. I'll pick it up after shift. I worry about you being by yourself with no way of contacting anyone."
"My phone is literally at the house. I'll get it when I get there. I don't live that far."
"Spare your old man the energy of arguing and just take it."
Voight doesn't miss Erin meeting Jay's eyes, silently asking him for his input and when Jay nods, she gives in and takes the phone, "I need to call mom anyway, let her know what's going on."
"Call my desk when you get home," Voight's hand clasps her shoulder, "Tell your mom to stay put, I'll come after work and we'll leave together. If she freaks out too much, tell her to call me."
Erin toys with the keys in her hand, her finger looping through one of the keyrings and spinning it around in circles to mindlessly pass the time. She heeds her father's instructions and passes one last look to Jay, nodding her head to the side for him to meet her near the staircase. Voight turns his back to the couple, not wanting to see them in their bubble, but that doesn't stop Erin or Jay from taking advantage of this small moment they've managed to capture, "I'm so sorry about this," he palms her jaw, his thumb running against her bottom lip.
Her hand wraps around his wrist, holding his hand in place, "No, none of that." She reaches up to grasp his face, forcing eye contact, "none of this is on you. That woman was obsessed from the start of things, all you did was give her the benefit of the doubt because you're a good man. We both believed her when she sent that text. The only person at fault for any of this is her. Don't blame yourself, it's not your fault, I don't blame you, Milah wouldn't blame you, and Emma surely wouldn't either so don't go blaming yourself. I'm serious, Jay. She doesn't deserve your grace, or your guilt, especially when none of this is on you." He leans his forehead against hers.
"I-I love you," he stutters out. It's the only thing he could mentally compute after her words.
And she kisses him for it, allowing her lips to carefully word her response out back to him against his own, "I love you too." And it goes without saying that no matter what comes next, she knows they'll be okay. So when they pull apart, she leaves him standing in place, her dad's phone gripped in her hand as she descends the stairs, one at a time, in a mindless state until she's outside and the evening breeze sweeps through her body, grounding her back to the present.
She looks both ways before crossing the street, the phone to her ear as it dials her mother's number and when she receives no answer, she calls her own. No answer on either, but that doesn't give her reason to worry right away. Her mom is notorious for not always being the best at answering her phone, she gets so caught up in the moment, and reminds her daughter that her generation didn't grow up with phones so to have one glued to her hip all the time is an unrealistic expectation of her. Still, Erin fully believes if you're watching someone's kid, that's a well earned reason to keep your phone on you and if not on you then at its highest volume. Erin gets to her car, and once she's inside, she tries one last time, this time waiting for the beep of the voicemail to come as she pleads, "Mom if there is any day that you don't answer, today isn't the one. It's a lot going on, I'll fill you in when I get home. I have my key. I'll let myself in, just keep an extra close eye on Emma and Milo, and don't leave the house. I'll be there in 15 minutes."
Erin hopes the sinking feeling in her gut is her being dramatic, she wishes that the what if scenarios spiraling through her mind are signs of her overthinking and she prays that the looming cloud figuratively overcasting above her head is nothing but her sixth sense being thrown off and overly cautious after the recent events. Her hands grip the steering wheel, please be okay, please be okay, her knuckles whiten and she can't help but to redial her mom's number, "Mom, I need you to keep Emma safe. Like I said, I'll explain more, but Abby, she's-" Erin immediately slams on the brakes when a car swerves in front of her, "damn it! Where'd you learn to drive?" Her patience is thinner, it's rushing out of her system and she almost forgets she's on the phone, almost forgets about what's happening, "Mom, I'm trusting you to watch and protect her. I don't know what Abby will do and like I said, I'll explain more in person and I'll answer all of your questions soon, but please, please," she swallows a knot down her throat, it hurts the entire way down but it doesn't hurt as much as the thought of something happening to Emma, "just please don't let anything happen to my baby." The voicemail ends. The voicemail is sent. Erin is left sitting at a red light, counting down the seconds before it changes, her mind pendulum swinging between frantically calling Jay and requesting a police escort and calling her mom again, and again, and again until the phone dies or she gets an answer. There's a deepening, sinking feeling at the pit of her stomach, one that refuses to fill itself up with warmth until her baby cocoons all of her five senses, until she sees Emma, holds Emma, smells Emma, kisses Emma and hears the melodic coos of Emma. Until then, she's nothing but an empty vessel of herself, bobbing and weaving through rush hour Chicago traffic, hoping, praying and wishing for mercy.