Chapter 13
On the sixth day of Willow breathing the same air as ours, we get a knock on the door. Peeta who was up half the night with Willow sleeps soundly and doesn't hear it. I rise from the bed quickly and silently as to not wake up Peeta or Willow. It's not early, but the current sleep schedule we have is all over the place. I pad over to the door, unlocking it and see Cressida standing with a small smile on her face.
"Morning Katniss." She greets.
I look inside the room and see Peeta turn over in his sleep and then cock my head towards the hallway and step outside with her, letting the door shut behind me.
"Hey, sorry Peeta and Willow are still sleeping, was a long night." I rub my eyes, getting used to the lights being on out here as I try to stifle a yawn.
"Oh I'm sorry, how is life with your little one?" Cressida asks. I know it's probably just small talk, because there is no other reason for her to be here other than to talk about my 'funeral' footage we have to shoot soon.
I think back to the last few days that we have had with her and it has been joyful. It's been exhausting, we've had lots of visitors who have come to see how we are going and to gawk at the creation we had made. I know that Prim is smitten with Willow already, she has been here twice each day making sure to get in her aunty and niece fix. She comes every morning after breakfast and then between reflection and dinner time. It's nice having people to come and help us watch her or look after her even for a few minutes so we can have some time to breathe. I love her with all my heart and couldn't imagine my life without her in there, but this small little bundle of joy we have is taking all the time we have. I would never say it's an inconvenience because I don't know how much longer I will have with my daughter. I have to start training soon to go into the Capitol to take down Snow and end everything for good. I may die out there, I don't know. I try not to think about it and respond with, "Amazing."
She smirks in response and looks to the flashing communicuff on her arm and her face scrunches up.
"I'm so glad, Katniss." A second passes and she lets out a breath, time to get down to business of course.
"So, I don't want to burst the newborn bubble you two are currently in, but we have to shoot this 'live funeral' very soon with your daughter still being a fresh newborn."
I nod my head in understanding. This was my idea, I can't back out now. We are too deep into the organisation of it all.
"The Katniss corpse is all set and ready to go, looking terrifyingly like you. We plan to do it tomorrow afternoon if that is okay with you?"
I nod my head.
"We can get the word out to everyone else, but if you could just let Peeta know that this is going to happen tomorrow, we can set everything up. President Coin is planning on making it a mandatory event for all Thirteen, so it will be on everyone's schedules tomorrow. She will also be making an announcement about this fake funeral at sixteen-hundred today so people know what the new addition is on the schedules tomorrow. It will take place in the same place as Finnick and Annie's wedding. You cannot be there though. Today at the announcement you are welcome to come and stand alongside Coin so the people know what importance this is, but tomorrow to avoid any accidental footage of you being there, we cannot have you even on the floor."
With a nod in understanding, I think about having to see Coin again. I don't want too, I know she will be wanting to mention the mission and when I need to start my training so I can be at my top game for the mission. I don't want to interrupt my bubble yet, but time is something we don't have to spare.
"I'll let Peeta know. And we will make sure to be there today, if you can let Coin know?"
"Of course, Katniss."
I let out a hard breath, everything that we have been planning for weeks, months even, are coming up.
"I know it's the last thing on your mind, but this rebellion is reaching the end. With you, we will make sure to end this for good. Snow's blood spilling announcing the end of this will be with the flying arrow of Katniss Everdeen."
Hearing the main reason for all this prep and fake pain we will be putting our family through will be for Snow dead and for this all to be over. The thought makes my lips turn up. A safe world for our baby to grow up without the fear of going into the Games, this is the end goal and it's coming into focus every single day.
"I'm ready for this to be over." I tell her, determination in my voice.
"You and the rest of Panem, bring it on." She gives me another smirk and then turns on her heels.
"We will see you later on, Mockingjay."
A name I will need to get used to hearing again.
:-:
Peeta sleeps for a few more hours and Willow wakes up in the meantime, I sit on the small couch built into the wall with Willow against my thighs, looking over all of her beautiful features and imaging the young girl she will turn into. I don't know if she will take on the same traits as Peeta or I, but either way she will be one of the most beautiful girls. With her striking blue eyes which are being more prominent every single day she is already the most stunning in the room. The way the hair atop of head has some curls which curl across her ears and top of her head, I wonder if she had inherited Peeta's curls. Either way, she is absolutely gorgeous. I let my fingers trace her perfect skin and watch her eyes trail me, eliciting a cheesy grin from myself.
"Tomorrow you may see someone who looks like me, Willow. But, I promise you it isn't me. I'm going to be here waiting for you and Daddy to come home to me. And in a few weeks, I will be leaving you and Daddy for a little while. I will be fighting my way to come back to you, so I can kiss you here," I kiss her on the forehead. "And here," On the cheek. "And here too," Other cheek. "And I can't forget these." I pick up her little hands and blow raspberries through her little fingers. She looks at me amused and it makes me giggle to myself. "Your Daddy will be here to make sure you don't miss me too much. He's the best father you could have ever gotten, he cares about you more than you will ever know. Sometimes, I'm convinced he just loves me because of you." Not a lie, I know that for a while there I was sure Peeta was only wanting to see me back when he was tied to a bed hijacked that it was just to see her. Willow blinks her small eyes and her lips part slightly before shutting again. "I will be fighting my way to come back to you, so you, Daddy and I can go back to live in our home in District Twelve and so you don't have to live with the same fears we had. A life without going hungry, or thinking when you will eat next, or if you will be Reaped to kill other innocent children. We're going to make the best life for you my beautiful girl. I promise you that." I pick her up, kiss her cheek and then hold her close to my chest, hoping my promise isn't empty. I will fight so that promise is fulfilled for her.
I close my eyes and rock her, enjoying this small piece of happiness I can grant myself. I run my thumb across her thin hair on her head, letting the soft baby smell lull me into security. I stay like that for a few minutes and then I hear her snoozing on my shoulder. I open my eyes and look over to the bed to see Peeta's awake, eyes trained on me as he lays down clearly just woken up.
"Good morning." I call.
I hope he only just woke up, I don't know how I would feel about Peeta hearing the words I spoke to our daughter. I thought it was just me and her awake, not that it's an issue. But, it's always been hard to express my feelings. It's always been difficult for me, even with just Peeta, the man who I've given almost everything to.
"Are we filming tomorrow?"
Damn Peeta, he heard it all.
I nod my head, I secure Willow against my chest and walk over to the bed, sitting beside where he lays.
"Cressida came over earlier to say we were filming my funeral tomorrow afternoon. We also have an official announcement of it happening today at four. Coin asked for me to attend. Will you come with me?"
Peeta sighs, rubbing his hands over his eyes, ridding them of the sleep inside and then sitting up in the bed, resting his hand on Willow's back and looking over into her sleeping face.
"Of course I'll come with you, Katniss. I just had hoped for more time before we got back into everything." Peeta confesses, looking terrified of filming it already.
"I know, me too. I was hoping for more time."
"We will get more time, Katniss. When this is all over. No more Games, no more anything to put our daughter in harms way. It's all for her."
Peeta's right of course. We will be doing this all for her, even if it means leaving her for a few weeks. We will get back together and then we will never be without the other for the rest of our lives.
:-:
Ten minutes before four, Peeta, Willow and I arrive at the place where Coin will be giving her speech regarding my fake funeral tomorrow. It's the same place where she brought up me agreeing to be their Mockingjay, it brings up memories of a scared pregnant teenager who just wanted to man she loved to come back to her. They way he returned was not how I expected, but he made his way back to us and is now the best father for our daughter and who I can picture spending my life with. I spot Plutarch first talking to one of Coin's assistants. His head turns to face us when we walk into the gathering area behind the podium and he gushes, walking away from the person he is speaking too and making his way to us.
"Mockingjay, glad to have you here!"
I force a smile and he grabs my hand in a hand shake before bending down to see little Willow in her carrier.
"Look at this small beauty you have here. Those blue eyes are spectacular!"
"A Mellark addition." Peeta adds, a smile on his lips. I like having him beside me as I meet with these vultures, before it was torture to have to find the words to respond to all of their questions and comments. Now, I can just watch Peeta take over for me, he knows what he's doing.
"Of course, can't forget those eyes." Plutarch laughs.
"Hello Willow! Are you ready for your first screen appearance tomorrow?" I look down to my daughter who just looks blankly up to the stranger looking at her.
I can't believe she will be going live Panem without me to protect her. It makes me feel queasy thinking about. I know Peeta will be careful to stop anything from happening to her, not that much can happen. But just having her going onto the screen is more than I could have ever wanted for her. I don't want her being a ploy in these propos, this is the only one I will allow. No more, just this one and then her time in the spotlight is over.
"Miss Everdeen." I look up from Plutarch who's still staring at Willow and see President Coin approaching me.
"President Coin." I reply.
"It's lovely to see you out and about."
"It's not like I really got a choice." I think about the bargain I made with her regarding all my Mockingjay duties, this may have been my idea, but it's still Mockingjay responsibilities.
Her lips purse and she chooses to ignore my comment.
"I'm glad you are here, it will make it easier to explain what will be going on tomorrow. Cressida explained you are not to be around when we film?"
I nod in answer.
"Good. We will meet up after as you will need to start warming up into your training as you are to leave in three weeks for the mission, we have already put a halt on all activity for you to give birth, we cannot spare much more time." She explains with a bland yet commanding voice.
I knew she would bring this up. Wouldn't want me getting comfortable thriving with my new baby. Straight back to the action without allowing my body the proper time to recover from giving birth to a fucking baby.
"Of course." Is all I can muster to respond with.
She gives a subtle smile and then excuses herself, asking for my presence beside her as she reports to the people of Thirteen about what happens tomorrow.
:-:
That night, Peeta and I sleepily lie in bed next to each other, running my hands over Peeta's arms and kissing his shoulder as he is turned away from me, a million things on his mind. I can tell from the way his shoulders are tensed.
"What's going on in your head?" I whisper as to not wake up our baby sleeping in her crib next to us.
"I'm scared I might go Mutt tomorrow." Peeta breathes, shuddering behind my touch.
I could tell this was one of the things going on in his head. It was one of the things which we first talked about when I first brought up the idea. I remember the fight we had over it, how he didn't want to ever think about attending my funeral. Yet here we are setting up a fake one, to make the Capitol think I'm really dead. All so we can make a statement when I burst into Snow's front door and destroy all of his plans by stopping his heart.
"I know, Peeta. If I could be there beside you to make you remember I wasn't really dead, maybe it could help keep one away."
"I know I'll be having to hold Willow, I'm worried about if I might do something to her. I would actually cut my own throat if I ever hurt her, Katniss. I'm serious. Even if it was Snow's hijacking which did it. I would not be able to live with myself if I ever hurt her or you again."
Peeta being so graphic regarding killing himself about hurting Willow makes my stomach drop, the thought of either thing happening. It would hurt everything inside me if it did ever happen. I can't let myself think about that, the thought is way too painful.
"What if we got Cressida to find some sort of earpiece or something so you can listen to something and just look distraught?" I suggest, I'm sure she would have something like that which can be hidden deep inside the ear so Peeta can stop an episode from coming on.
"I don't know, Katniss."
I stop my movements and wrap Peeta in my arms from behind him, hoping my touch will help him figure out his feelings inside his head. I rack my brain for something I can do to help him, to remind him that I am okay and alive. I think for minutes, I think if I can make him something, but I have no idea what.
Then, I jump from the bed, almost forgetting to be quiet with our daughter fast asleep in her crib. Peeta looks at me confused as I walk over to my belongings I have yet to unpack from my compartment with my mother and Prim. I shuffle through it until right at the bottom rolling around is the shiny ball. I pick it up and then walk back over to Peeta. I kneel on the ground in front of him, both hands clasped over the ball and look into his confused eyes.
"I will talk to Cressida tomorrow about getting you some earplugs, but just encase you can't get any and even if you do, use this."
I grab his hand and place the pearl he gave me inside the Arena into his hands. He looks at the small ball for a moment, confused as to what I've just given him, then recognition flicks across his face.
"The pearl. The one I found for you in the Arena."
I nod in confirmation.
"It kept me sane when I couldn't have you when you weren't here with me. I haven't needed it since we moved in together." I confess, looking down. I never wanted to admit to him how much I needed him before. But, Peeta was all I ever wanted and needed. Peeta not being here with me just about killed me. I didn't know what was going on with him, but I held hope in the fact he was alive when I held this.
"Use this tomorrow. Roll it in your fingers and think of me, it helped me more than you could ever know."
I lean over and kiss his lips softly. I step back from him and walk over to my side of the bed, sliding into the covers. Peeta moves to lay on his back, I watch as he rolls the pearl inside his fingers and closes his eyes. I don't touch him, I just let Peeta think about what that pearl meant to me and what it means to pass it on to him.
I wonder if I should leave it here for him when I'm in the Capitol? When I first came to terms with when I was leaving to go to the Capitol, it was the first thing I thought about bringing. Knowing I wouldn't be able to go into the Capitol without Peeta there with me, I imagined having the pearl with me so I could have that small piece of him with me. Peeta will have a large piece of me here with Willow, but maybe he needs something that's a direct link between us which Peeta will need to help keep his episodes at bay. I'll bring that up later. It's not important now. Now, it's just making sure Peeta will be okay when he is standing front row at my funeral with our daughter in his arms. I don't want to think about what if that will actually happen, if Snow finally wins…
No. Snow is not going to be the one to kill me, end my life. No, old age with Peeta by my side is now I'm planning on going. We are changing history here, we aren't going back to a life without the Games. They almost killed me, may times. The pain I will forever bare thanks to Snow and those Games. The last Hunger Games was the third and final Quarter Quell, seventy-fifth year will be the final. No more. I don't care what I have to do to make this true, but I cannot allow this.
I look over to Peeta and see relief filling his features, it must be working. I don't dare interrupt the concentration which he is practicing right now. I just turn over in the sheets and look towards the crib holding our baby. Willow is silent except for the small huffs from air escaping from her snoozing state. I can see her outline from here, she's dressed in a soft yellow onesie which covers her feet and hands from the cool. Thirteen is temperature controlled but sometimes I think they lower the temperature just to make it seem like it could be above ground. It could never fool me, I miss the sky, the cold, the birds, the woods. I miss it all. Soon, we will be back in Twelve where that will be a normal day.
I hear a small thump of metal and the bed shifts, the covers around me being replaced with the warmth of Peeta's body.
"Thank you, Katniss."
I don't say anything, I don't need too.
"I wish I had something like that when I was back in the Capitol, maybe it could have overridden what they did to me." His arms tighten around me, a thankful gesture that he is here with me and not back in his cell. My hands come up and hold onto his large forearms and let my body mould to fit perfectly inside his.
"I wonder how it would have been if I came back normal, without the hijacking. I think about it every single day."
I think about that every single day too.
Peeta and I would have run to each other, collapsing on the ground crying to finally have each other in our arms. Peeta would have been gobsmacked about how big our girl had grown inside me, the change of my own body would have shocked him. That night Peeta and I would have made love, even if it meant breaking Coin's stupid rules. I would have asked Peeta if he wanted to help with the rebel's cause, adding the boy with the bread to the Mockingjay's duties to end this war. He would have tried to stop me, but he had his child to think about and knew what was the best thing to do. We would have filmed propo's, throwing it in Snow's face that we are a stronger force together than we ever were apart. Peeta would have volunteered to go with Gale and the rest of the team to kill Snow while I stayed here and grew our child. I would have fought against him leaving me again, but Peeta would have been right there with a reason. When he came back, our child would be born into a different world.
Life has a horrible way of derailing these ideas.
"Peeta, I love you. No matter what." I whisper into the darkness.
"I will always love you. Nothing can come between the love I have for you. It's too strong. I overcame it once and I will overcome it a thousand times if I have too."
"And I will be here for you. You can't get rid of me."
Peeta lets out a chuckle in a breath, eyes trained where mine are.
"Definitely not now."
That night, Willow wakes twice. I get her and let Peeta sleep. But he is riddled with nightmares all night. Between Willow and Peeta, I don't sleep a wink. But, I have tomorrow to nap. They are important now. It's like we are still in the Games, taking care of who needs it most then, the other's time will come.
:-:
As slow as the day goes, soon it's time for Peeta and Willow to go for filming. Peeta has been quietly puttering around all day, I can't imagine all the things that are going through his head. He's had the pearl inside his hand all day, I think it's been helping. That morning, I went and found Cressida, asking about some sort of earpiece for Peeta. She knows exactly what I was thinking and has even a better idea which she will make sure to have organised for Peeta later on. Gale took a trip to Twelve with Finnick and gathered some of Peeta's and my old clothes which Cinna and Portia created for the Victory Tour for Peeta, Gale, Prim, my mother, Finnick, Annie and Johanna to wear to stand out from the grey blur which is Thirteen. Half of the people will be recognised anyway from all the times which we had been exploited on television for Panem's entertainment.
"I organised something with Cressida to help you. As long as you just keep up the grieving face, we can get away with it." I tell Peeta as he dresses in the bathroom.
"Maybe I'll just think about all the years I couldn't have you." He calls back.
I scoff, shaking my head and adjusting my position on the bed. Peeta's heavy steps get my attention and I look up to see him looking absolutely dashing in a suit he wore for the District Three after party. The black matching suit and trousers along with the dark grey button-down look incredible together. If it wasn't for the morbid reasoning for wearing it, I would think he could be going to another Capitol party dressed like that. Regardless of why we had to wear the clothes in the Victory Tour, every single outfit which Cinna and Portia organised and created for us is incredible quality and designed perfectly for our bodies. It makes me miss Cinna and all he did to help me in times when I didn't know I needed it.
-Flashback-
"This isn't going to do much in the way of protection from water or cold." Cinna tells me.
"It won't hide your bump either." He adds, touching a single finger to the enlarged stomach covered in the wetsuit material.
I sigh, my heart heavy.
"I suppose if Peeta didn't blurt it last night to Panem, it may have been a big question during the Games." I weigh in, still frustrated at Peeta for bringing up the baby in his interviews. I know what he was trying to do, but it's got to have put a bigger target on my back. Myself being in a 'delicate' situation as one would say towards a pregnant woman.
"Did you know?" I ask Cinna, if anyone was to know about my condition before I even knew, it had to have been Cinna. He's been dressing me for over a year, and should have realised the growth which was only affecting my mid-section.
He just nods.
Of course, I knew he knew. He would have had to have changed the measurements of my costumes the last few days to allow sufficient room for said bump.
"I assumed you were trying to keep it to yourselves. I didn't need to mention it, I just needed to make some adjustments to your outfits."
I think if it wasn't for Peeta telling Panem yesterday, we probably wouldn't have told anyone. It's not for anyone else to know of. My mother, Prim and Gale know now about my condition, the condition I'm going into the Games with. A child growing inside my belly without any understanding of what will be happening outside.
"I don't know if it will be better or worse now that everyone knows I'm pregnant." I confess, truly with no idea about what will come of this.
"Regardless of what will happen, I'm still betting on you girl on fire."
Minutes later when I'm being lifted into the Arena and watching Cinna being beaten bloody, it's that moment I know I will never see him again.
-End of Flashback-
"Look out Thirteen, best dressed Victor coming through." I say, standing to walk to him.
Peeta's lips curl slightly and he adjusts the cuffs, I stand in front of him and fix his collar making sure he looks the best he can for this grim televised moment.
"Don't count on it, Finnick will be there too. The darling of the Capitol remember?" Peeta jokes.
I shake my head and lean up and press a kiss to Peeta's cheek. "Not in my books."
Peeta's hands come up and brush my hair from my face, cupping my cheeks and pressing a kiss to my lips. Soft and warm, like most we share. When he breaks away, he presses his fore head to mine, creating a small gap just for us.
"You've got his Peeta, I'm right here. Remember?"
I press the pearl into his hand and curl his fingers around it, securing it to him. His head nods against mine.
A knock at the door sounds and I step back from Peeta to see who will be there. Gale stands in one of Peeta's outfits from the Tour, no jacket, dark blue button-down shirt and matching slacks. District Eight Victory Tour outfit, if I remember correctly.
"I think this is the most expensive thing I've ever worn." Gale shrugs in the shirt, adjusting the sleeves. You can see that it is just too small for him, but it is better than the dull grey of the rest of Thirteen.
"You look so uncomfortable." I comment, a small smile on my face.
"You have no idea. I need to rub dirt in it or something."
We chuckle agreeing, it's not his usual attire that's for sure. I look behind me to see Peeta grabbing a now fussing Willow from her crib and placing her into the carrier. He won't let her go anywhere outside the walls of this compartment without the carrier. A safety measure Peeta will be using I think until she is too big for it. Seeing he is distracted, I step towards Gale and lean my head in so only he can hear me.
"Please make sure he will be okay. Put Prim on one side and you on the other. He is terrified of going Mutt. If you see any indication of it, take Willow from him straight away. He doesn't want anything to happen to her."
Gale nods.
"Of course, Katniss."
Gale pulls something from his pocket and places it into my palm. I know what it is. "Cressida asked me to give it to you."
"It's to help Peeta." I tell him.
Another nod in understanding. I turn and see Peeta struggling to put a change of clothes into the baby bag we have and walk over and take over for him.
"Let me."
Peeta sighs frustrated and goes back to looking over our daughter in the carrier. I finish packing the bag with everything he could possibly need and it's bulging from the sides.
Willow is dressed in a little white dress of Prim's from when she was a baby. Gale found it at the Victors Village and thought it would be best for today. She looks so uncomfortable and I know she just wants to be in one of our arms and not in the carrier and not in the soft onesies she's been wearing for her entire life. I lean into the carrier and place kisses all over her face and hands, whispering 'I love you's' to her. It will be hard to have time away from her for the first time, but I know it won't be forever. Finishing with Willow, I stand straight and wrap my arms around Peeta tight. He wraps his around me even tighter, scared to let go.
"You'll be fine. I promise."
Peeta shudders like he's going to start crying.
"Hey, none of that. I'm not dead, okay? I'm right here, waiting for you to come back to me." I pull back from him and cradle his cheeks in mine, forcing his eyes to stare into mine. Scared and sad eyes look back into mine.
"It's not even going to be an hour, you've got this. You're stronger than this."
Peeta nods his head and I lean up on my toes and press my lips against him. Our lips move together in unison, then we break apart breathless.
"Great, now I'm thinking in ways I shouldn't be." Peeta whispers with a chuckle.
I know what he means, but my body won't be ready for that for a few more weeks and I just shake my head adding a giggle.
"That's my boy with the bread."
He laughs and then presses a kiss on my fore head, grabbing hold of Willow's carrier and then walking to the door where Gale stands awkwardly.
"I'll see you soon." I call.
"I love you."
"I love you." I respond, then my girl and my man are out of the door, Gale following. I make strong eye contact with Gale as if to reiterate what I mentioned to him before and he nods his head and closes the door behind him.
Now, in the compartment by myself, I feel empty without Willow and Peeta to help occupy the space.
Author's Note:
I'm sorry it's been so long since an update. I promise I do have chapter's sitting here waiting to upload but my life is kind of falling apart at the moment so I haven't had a chance to sit down and edit them, let alone upload. I will try to get onto writing more frequently soon as it may be the only thing I can use to cope with my life right now. This chapter is very much filler so I may upload a second chapter just so it's not such a sad update. Please be patient with me, I have grand plans of finishing this fanfic, but I just don't know exactly how I want it to end yet. I'm hoping the inspiration will come to me soon.
Until next time, everlark4ever75 xx