Chapter 14

A few minutes pass and I dress into something a bit more suitable to go walking around Thirteen, I know almost no one will be around as they will all be at the filming. I put on the normal Thirteen uniform as my belly has started to deflate from where it carried Willow so I can actually put on clothes which I haven't been able to wear for a few months. In the dull grey and the object Gale gave to me earlier, I set off to Command. I'm supposed to report there after everyone is finished over there, but I'm on a mission of my own right now. Up a few levels I go and then I walk into Command, it overlooks the place where my funeral is being held and I audibly gasp when I see the crowd of people. There has to be a thousand people here, all standing looking towards the open coffin with 'my body'. I can see Peeta from here, towards the back with Gale and Prim, Willow secured in his arm. I can't see his other hand and I assume it's by his side rolling the pearl between his fingers. Cressida is talking to them and I see her pass an earpiece to him. That's when I click on the device in my hand.

Cressida helps secure the earpiece so its out of view from the cameras which Castor and Pollux are setting up now around the open area. When Cressida nods to my direction, that's when I bring the microphone to my mouth.

"Peeta?"

I watch Peeta start looking all around him, I chuckle at this. I know he wasn't expecting it. I asked Cressida if an earpiece could play music or something to distract him, then she said maybe myself talking to him as I watch him from the window of Command may be better. The mirror is black on the other side and you can't even see it's a mirror, which makes it even better for this moment. Cressida touches Peeta's shoulder and points to me, well the direction of me. He sighs of relief.

"You didn't think I was going to leave you to do this by yourself, did you?"

Peeta chuckles and smiles up to me. He mouths an 'I love you'.

"I love you more. Now stop smiling, we are being serious here remember."

He nods and looks to Cressida for more instructions.

It takes a few minutes for them to organise themselves, all my loved ones gathering in the front row to watch the funeral of Katniss Everdeen.

"I'm right here, okay." I see Peeta's head nod from the front row, his blonde curls so noticeable from up here.

I rack my brain for something I can mention to Peeta which will help bring a sad expression but also something that's not heavy and could set him off. I don't want to bring up some horny memory or how I'm feeling now, that will just be wrong considering we can't have sex now and he's attending my funeral. Oh and the fact he's holding our daughter, that's just not okay in any way. Telling him about something funny isn't a good idea, a simple lift of his lips will be suspicious to say the least. Telling him something dark about my depression or the Games will not be the best as I don't know how he will react. Then, I think about what I can tell him. My heart is hammering in my chest as I don't want anything to be lead astray here. One slip up and we will have to film it again and I know no one wants to be in here for any longer than they have to, especially Peeta.

"Do you want me to tell you about when I first felt Willow? I don't think I've told you that before. Run a hand through your hair for yes."

I squint and see his hand come up and run his locks, ruffling them. I smile.

"Okay, well it was back when I was around sixteen weeks, a month after we were in the Arena."

-Flashback-

Gale and I are at dinner, everyone else is off doing important things, but here I am hungrier than anything and in need of food. They give me bigger portions than others to make sure my baby is getting the nutrition it needs to grow. I had been sneaking some of the wild berries Gale and I had been gathering when on our hunting trips just so I had some spare food in my compartment when the night hunger came on. We aren't allowed food in the compartments, but I don't care what they say. I'm growing a child and they are making sure I'm taken care of as they don't have pregnant women here anymore thanks to their pox epidemic. If they do know I'm stocking berries, they haven't mentioned it.

"Coin wants us back in Command tomorrow." Gale tells me, breaking the silence except for the scraping and tapping of utensils on the metal trays.

I roll my eyes and throw my head back exasperated.

"Again?" I groan, not letting my emotions be silenced, not matter how public of a place we are right now. I feel some eyes turn to look at me, but I'm going to turn around to one of them soon and tell them to look at something more interesting than the Mockingjay eating her dinner.

"Yes, something about propo filming ideas?"

I shake my head and let it fall onto my hand, frustrated. I'm sick of going to Command and listening to Coin try and make me do more than I want too. Yes, I agreed to be their Mockingjay, but not to see her every third day. I'm sick of trying to figure out if her hair is a wig or if it's real. I'm about to go up to her and rip the thing off, that or tear her actual hair out. It doesn't matter to me which I do, either way I'll get my answer.

I try to push the thought from my mind, shovelling another mouthful of the bland grain and slop stew into my mouth.

"I know you don't want to go, Catnip, but you have too. It's part of the deal to bring Peeta back."

Peeta. Peeta, the man who impregnated me and is now trapped by Snow. I don't know what horrid things they are doing to him behind closed doors. I don't want to imagine what Snow is doing to Peeta. I just wish he was here with me. How different all of this would be if he was here. Peeta would be some variation of the Mockingjay with me beside him. He wouldn't want to be leading a rebel cause, but would know it was for the best, the best for our child and for everyone who lives in Panem. Instead, I'm here being forced to make propaganda and grow a child as a single mother. If Peeta dies at the hands of Snow, that's what I'll be, if I can even live with the thought of being in a whole without the boy with the bread inside it.

"Catnip?" Gale's voice interrupts my thoughts of Peeta, luckily. I think I may start crying if I think too hard about Peeta.

I turn my head towards him in acknowledgment and wearily smile to him, trying for someone else to not realise how deep the pain I feel runs. I wish Peeta was here.

"We'll get him. I give you my word." Gale promises.

"A child deserves to grow up with a father." This hits me harder than I expect it too. A fact Gale and I are too familiar with. To live a life without a father, something I wouldn't never wish for anyone. And for our child to not know the incredible person who is their father, it would be a tragedy. Everyone can see how much of an incredible father Peeta would be.

I look into his eyes and see how real he's being, the unflinching promise behind those eyes. Eyes which used to look at me with love, now look with love but not the same kind. Gale knows that whatever Peeta and I have is unbreakable. The allies which came together in the first Games are for life, we haven't stopped trying to protect the other the entire time since. Even now with District's between, we are both doing all we can to look out for the other.

It took Gale a few weeks to warm up to the thought that I was really pregnant with Peeta's child once I was taken from the Arena. Gale first thought it was just another ploy to end the Games, like so many alleged. Doctors in Thirteen confirmed I was thirteen-weeks pregnant and Gale had to let go of any hate towards Peeta. Knowing I was carrying his child changed the dynamic of us; now it's purely friendship. And friendship it will always remain, as my heart belongs to another, even if I will never admit that to another soul. I reach into my pocket and pull the pearl, a vice to hold me together without Peeta here to assure me everything will be okay. I roll the perfect pearl between my fingers, letting it be a distraction from the grey dungeon which I reside in. With my other hand, I push the mush stew away from me and close my eyes, bringing the pearl to my lips, imagining it's one of Peeta's kisses.

That moment I feel something which makes my eyes widen and almost drop the pearl. At my startled stance, Gale is instantly aware of the change and calling my name. His voice is drowned out by the fear I feel. I don't know what is going on, but it has every one of my senses heightened and alerted to danger. My hand flies down to my swollen belly and I clasp it scared. Something is happening in there and it's terrifying every cell in my body.

"Katniss?" Gale's voice clears and my head whips around him at him using my actual name instead of his nickname for me.

"Something is wrong." Is all I say before Gale jumps up from the table and is grabbing my arm helping me up. I don't realise what is happening, all I know is I'm walking and I don't know where.

Terror fills my mind, what if I've killed Peeta's baby? What if he came back to find it hasn't survived in my body? Peeta would never forgive me, I would forever be the person who killed his child. The love he had for me once upon a time will disappear altogether. I don't know if I could live with myself if I killed him child and the thought of having to face him again and telling him what horror had occurred. I couldn't do it. Before I know what's going on, I have tears streaming down my face as I hold onto my stomach, praying for anything other than the vision I have right now.

Before I realise what's going on, I notice that Gale has dragged me down to the hospital.

"No, no please don't let them sedate me again. I can't do it again!" I cry out.

I can't spend another night getting trapped in nightmares I can't wake up from. They are horrible enough as they are, add not being able to wake up it's no better than being thrown back into the Games with nothing to fend off for myself. I will fight them off before they sedate me again. I start resisting against Gale's arm, trying to stand my ground so he can't take me any further.

"I'm not, your mother is here tonight. She can help and she won't sedate you, I'll make sure she doesn't."

Something swipes over my stomach from the inside and I double over, groaning with more tears falling.

"Gale." I cry, my hands holding onto my stomach.

Gale says something under his breath and then I'm being lifted into his arms and he's taken off down the corridor.

All I wish in this moment is for my child to still be living. Even with all that's gone on and my attitude towards this baby in the beginning, it's not just Peeta's. This child is mine and Peeta's. And I've grown attached to the being growing inside me, forget how Peeta will feel, I think losing this baby will destroy me.

"Please don't leave me." I whimper to the baby inside of me.

I didn't want to get attached as I knew it would make things in the Arena harder. Although now, I know I'm attached. Peeta and I made a human being. The love that we shared that night all those months ago created something special. And I don't have much of him here, aside from the pearl and my lasting memories of Peeta, I don't have anything of his. Except this child. It's a permanent vice. I don't know what I'll do if I lose it. I don't want to think about that. I can't.

"Katniss?" My mother's voice slips through the cracks of my terror.

"She said something is wrong. I think she thinks something is happening to the baby." Gale tells her, setting me down onto a bed and pushing the hair back from my face.

My mother sharply intakes and I hear her shuffle off.

"Where is she going? Is she abandoning me again?" I ask disbelieving.

I can't believe it. This woman leaves her two young children to survive off scraps and making a living breaking District laws and now is leaving her terrified daughter when something is happening to her. What is wrong with her?

"She's getting an ultrasound machine, Catnip. It's going to be okay, she's going to help you."

"Peeta will never talk to me again if he knows I killed his baby! He loved it more in a few days than I've loved anything in my life. He will be destroyed. He was going to sacrifice his life so his child could live, and now…" I stop for a moment, thinking about the worst case scenario and tears pour from my eyes. "This would have all been for nothing." I choke on my words and curl into myself, a hand over my belly and one over my face trying to hide my tears from view.

Gale can't say anything, anything he says will just be trying to make me feel better. He knows everything I just said is true, regardless of how he used to see Peeta, it's not a competition anymore. Peeta… Oh Peeta.

I hear scurrying and wheels, must be my mother returning with the ultrasound machine. I feel something being slipped into my hands. Smooth, cool and round. My pearl, Peeta's pearl. I must have dropped it. He knows I need it. I close my fist around it and tears drip onto my fist which encloses the second perfect gift from Peeta.

A cool hand grabs onto my arm and my eyes open and see my mother looking down at me, her serious working face which she has every time she works on a patient.

"Katniss, can you lay straight for me, so we can scan the baby?"

My heart thumping loud in my ears, my body react to her request before my mind can. I feel my shirt being lifted and cold gel being placed on my belly before I feel pressure.

Please baby, please be okay. I love you. Peeta loves you. We need you. Please baby, please.

Thump… thump… thump…

The perfect rhythm which I have heard a few times before makes my eyes widen and look towards the screen. The grainy black and white scans around, moving and then settles on the small outline of the baby. I can see it's moving, the baby. The baby is moving. Kicking it's legs around happy as can be.

"Katniss, your baby is fine. It's just moving and kicking a little. Healthy as can be in there."

I burst into tears, happy and relieving.

"That's what is was, it's just kicking around in there?" Gale asks.

"Yes, it's common at this stage. Won't stop it now it's started. Katniss kicked me constantly from the first time until she was born. Maybe your little one will do the same." I feel the same cool hand on my arm and turn to face her. Her face which was all business before is now completely calm and relieved. It may have scared her also, thinking I was losing a baby. Maybe that's why she sprung into action so quickly and that's why I didn't know what was going on.

"Explains a lot." Gale chuckles.

My mother just nods and then brushes my hair back from my face.

"You're doing great, Katniss. That baby is safe and snug in there."

I bite my lip to try and stop the loud sobs from escaping. I can't believe that the baby is okay. I was sure it was over. Peeta won't hate me, I've still got a piece of him with me. Our baby is happy in there. Scared me beyond anything I've ever felt before, Peeta's heart stopping when he hit the forcefield, but this was definitely close to that feeling of panic, knowing I can't do anything to help it. I'm so glad that our baby is safe, it's just moving around and getting comfy. I just need to get used to that feeling. I know it's normal, but it's going to take a few weeks before I am comfortable with feeling that inside me. The only thing I wish at this moment, the one wish I've been waiting to come true for the past few weeks, I just wish Peeta was here with me.

-End of Flashback-

I explain this all to Peeta as I watch the funeral take place. I see Coin step next to my open casket and speak to Thirteen and my fellow peers.

"I was so scared I lost her, Peeta. I couldn't imagine what would have happened if I did lose her. You would have hated me, I was so sure of it. When I started seeing her little feet pushing up my skin, it filled me with the same terror. But I knew if she was doing that, she was safe and happy. Eventually, just before you came back, I was so happy when I saw those little feet. I knew as soon as it stopped terrifying me that you would have loved seeing it. And you did. I still remember the look on your face. Don't smile, you're supposed to be mourning me."

Even though I'm recalling a bittersweet memory, I have to remind him just encase his face changes. I keep my eyes on Peeta's blonde curls and watch as his hand swipe over his face. I wonder if it's real tears or if it's just for the cameras. I'll ask about it later. Then I see Cressida step out to the stage and I can tell it's over. Finally. And no episode. The sigh I was holding pent up lets go and I click off the microphone, letting go of all the tension I had in my body.

A few minutes pass and then I'm joined by everyone, all of which come up and give me large hugs, thankful that it's not a real funeral and that I'm still here. It's a strange feeling surrounding the room. I wonder if I really did die if this is how it would have gone. Televised, most likely. The last to enter the room is Peeta, still holding Willow tightly against his chest.

"Step back, drooling lovebirds alert." I hear Johanna call.

I don't listen to her. I just smile and walk towards Peeta who has tear stains down his face. I wrap him into a hug, our daughter between us and we don't let go for a few minutes.

"You definitely hadn't told me that story before." Peeta tells me softly.

I pull back and smile up at him.

"I was so worried; you have no idea. But, she's here and she's perfect." My fingers trail down her brown patch of hair and then touch her small button nose.

"We are all here, together."

"God, she looked just like you…" Peeta breathes into my neck and it pains me to feel the hurt in his voice. I can't imagine if I had to be in the same position with a Peeta look alike there dead in front of me, that would be all too much to witness. Peeta is stronger than I, always has been and I'm sure forever will be.

Peeta presses his lips onto mine and everything we have been holding onto the last few days is released. After this meeting with Coin, we will be going back into newborn baby bubble.

President Coin is followed in by Plutarch, asking for order and we all sit around the table.

"I would like to start this meeting by first thanking everyone for the acting for the cameras just now. Cressida and her team are now starting to put all the footage together to make it seem like a live broadcast to shoot in a few weeks when our squad, including the Mockingjay are inside the Capitol."

I look across the table to Gale, who I know will be taking a space on that squad, to help protect me again.

"Katniss, you will be starting training in five days to prepare for the mission. You are to report to the hospital after this meeting to receive the first of five shots administered every day to help your body recover from childbirth in half the time. You will be back to your normal self in a week, able to return to all duties. Three weeks is all we have, so make it count."

Gobsmacked, I lean back into my chair and take in all that information. I suppose it's good that they have some sort of medication to help speed up my recovery time. But, I can't imagine how much it's going to hurt going back into training so vigorous so quickly. I still remember how difficult it was to train like careers before the Quell. Given I was pregnant and didn't know, but I think regardless it would have been very tough. I thought today was going to be hard enough, but it's now I realise just how quickly everything will be organised. It will feel like a few days and then I'll be saying my goodbyes again. I reach over and grab Peeta's hand. He knows what I'm thinking right now, I can tell because he is silent. Coin drones on for a few more minutes before we are excused. But all I can think is that soon I'll be back in that horrible place.