Abby brushed the imaginary dirt off her lap before rising to her feet. She looked up at Milah, smiling as if eternally grateful for her help. She extends her hand to shake the woman's, and then clears her throat, "Thank you so much. I really needed to get all of that off my chest."
"That's what I'm here for, Alice," Milah releases her hand and then walks her to the door, "I'll see you next week. In the meantime, is the card on file the one you want us to charge for your sessions? If not, you probably want to stop at the front desk to change it."
"That's the card," Abby, pretending to be someone named Alice, confirms. She waves over her shoulder at the therapist and then departs from the office. Once she is in her car, she removes the blonde wig, wipes the fake beauty mark she used makeup to put above her lip off her face and then carefully sets the cheap dollar store glasses off to the side. Abby had no idea if Milah ever saw a picture of her and because of that she couldn't be too careful. She hates that a part of herself liked the woman but at the same time that likable woman is the reason that she no longer is with Jay. Abby knows it's a persona that Milah has put on, pretending to be nice, pretending to care when in reality, she thinks Abby is a fucking psycho stalker. She grunts and screams and kicks her legs and bangs her hands against the steering wheel, only stopping when a couple leaves the practice and notices her having a moment in her car. She rolls her window down, displaying a fake smile and mutters, "I had a really rough therapy session. I just needed to get that out."
The couple smiles, neither of them judging her, they have their own problems, hence the reason they exited out the same doors she left through only minutes before them. Abby rolls her window back up, and starts her car, needing to leave the vicinity before others catch on to her slipping mind. She's frustrated, she's sad, she's uncomfortable because that woman was entirely too sweet and actually listened to what she had to say even though Abby signed up for a bogus reason. She told some of the truth but left out a lot of the details. Milah was told that Abby and her boyfriend agreed to move to Chicago for her boyfriend's job; they didn't come from Wisconsin like Jay's story would say but instead moved from Minnesota. Jay's name is Jason, he's a businessman and she disclosed that he cheated on her then dumped her and left her with nothing in a city that she doesn't know. Abby told Milah that he's playing games with her, that he's sending mixed messages her way and she's struggling to read them. Abby made up a persona, depicting Jay in a light that is polar opposite to the real him. It was more so to ensure Milah will not make any connections that she is the one Jay is talking about in his therapy sessions.
Abby pulled over on the side of the road, parking on the shoulder before reaching into her handbag to pull out her phone. It's been the longest time since she's been able to check in on the planted camera and the curiosity is eating her alive. The signal is poor, and it takes forever to load up, leading her to merging back into traffic and driving until she reaches her exit and starts hearing the feed pick up and connect to the bluetooth in her car. She hears Erin's voice, she sounds happy, much different than how Abby is feeling right now and it truly isn't fair. Abby parks in a desolated lot, cutting her car off and locking the doors to comfortably watch the video.
"Look," Erin sounded giddy, the tone of her voice has Jay looking over his shoulder to see the cause of it. And to his surprise, it's Emma. Erin has her hands under the baby's arms, and has her facing her dad, and while if anyone else could see, they'd be confused to the cause, he notices the reason immediately. What few strands of hair Emma has on her head are separated into two tiny pigtails. The strands sprout in different directions, making her look absolutely adorable, precious, innocent and all around loveable. And the two pink bows clipped into each tail has him clenching his heart, gushing, absolutely, madly in love and this little baby has no idea just how much she is loved, "Like cmon…doesn't she look so freaking cute?"
"Erin stop," he gushes, moving closer. His hands scoop around her waist and he raises her up; her fist goes in her mouth and she slobbers all over it as her dad takes a closer look, "I swear we have the cutest baby," he presses his lips against her pronounced dimple.
Abby shuts off the video, not wanting to see any of that and then resumes driving home. Her fingers tap against the steering wheel, trying to distract herself by tapping out the beat of the music, but curiosity has her reaching for her phone again. She's driving, she shouldn't, and because of that, she drops her phone in the cupholder. By the time she's pulling into a parking spot at the apartment complex, she immediately grabs her phone to reload the app, hoping all that domesticity has passed because the last thing she wants is to be sick today.
"Do you have a session with Milah this evening?"
Abby's ears perk up at the mention of their shared therapist.
"Yeah."
"Are you going to bring up Abby's message?"
"I plan to but a part of me thinks maybe I should go talk to her, make sure she's serious?"
"And then you become the one harassing her, look Jay, whether she's being honest about it or not, your hands are tied right now. She hasn't done anything as far as we know."
Jay adjusts the baby in his arms, having her sit on one leg and holding a stuffed animal on the other, "I just hate that I can't read her like I used to…or like I thought I could, ya know?"
"Yeah, it can be pretty scary to think you know someone only to find out everything you knew was a lie, but regardless of all of that Jay, you've made so much progress and-" she pauses, squeezing his hand to reassure him that she's coming from a sincere place, "and I don't want it all to be for nothing, you've made so many steps forward, I don't want you going back."
"I'm not. I won't."
"When you make excuses for her, when you try to rationalize her behavior and when you accept her text at face value without any pushback, it makes me think differently. I worry your blinders are coming back." Abby sits up, smirking at the thought of Jay seeing the best in her. She feels a semblance of hope that maybe just maybe he hasn't cut her out of his life completely.
"Erin, you can't always hold that against me. She had literally just texted me when I told you, is it wrong of me to hope that maybe she was serious and the girl I liked in Wisconsin was in there? I mean, damn Erin, every time I give someone the benefit of the doubt are you going to throw the blinders thing in my face? That's not fair."
"Jay, that's not what I'm trying to do."
"Yeah well Erin, it comes across like it is. I don't want to tell you what I talk to Milah about if I have to worry about you throwing it in my face. I don't want to tell you about my history with Abby if I have to be concerned with you bringing it back up the second I think or feel differently. It's not fair to all the progress I made and I'd appreciate it if you gave me a little more credit."
Erin silently nods. She squeezes his hand again to signify her agreement and understanding. She thinks back to her own recovery, to all the times her slip ups and mistakes were brought back up under the disguise of people caring. If she doesn't give him the opportunity to change then he won't have the room to do it. Erin does not have the same history with Abby as he does and therefore cannot expect him to reach the same conclusions about her as she does or as fast as she can; it'd be beneficial for both of them if she can remember that. It can just be so frustrating since both she and Emma are involved, but it's wise for her to remember that this is his story, his journey, and no matter how much she cares, she can't rush his progress.
"You're right, and I'm sorry," she squeezes his hand once more before letting it go, "I'm also glad that you're going to talk to Milah about this. I think that's the biggest show of progress of all. And the fact that you told me immediately when she sent the message, thank you for that."
Jay's shoulders relaxed, tension and the need to be on the defense escaping them. It felt good for his actual progress to be acknowledged. To constantly hear about his setbacks, about ways he's messed up or is messing up can be exhausting, it makes him question why even bother with therapy but to hear that shows that she is paying attention, that she is listening and is championing him on and knows he's trying. Jay rose to his feet with the baby in his arms, he maneuvers her to lay back on his forearms and he raises his arms up to kiss her and then lowers them back down, continuing this move repeatedly, coaxing a smile out of her.
"You're so good with her," Erin compliments.
"She's so good with me," he corrects, "I think we have the best baby in the world."
"I think every parent says that."
"And I think all of those parents lied," he briefly looks up to meet Erin's eyes before looking back down into the eyes of his daughter and resuming the fun.
Abby taps out of the screen then focuses on letting herself into her home, kicking off her shoes and dragging her feet through the messy apartment. She really let this place go. She'd stopped cleaning after he moved out, she stopped cooking and the amount of takeout boxes trashed around her makes her believe Jay definitely won't be getting his deposit back. She doesn't care, it's not her money, and unless they're back together, she won't care. Abby reaches for her phone again, not necessarily to open up the app but to confirm her next appointment with Milah. She doesn't want to see the two of them so giddy over a damn baby, all the kid does is eat, sleep and shit, and Abby doesn't see the fuss in any of that yet Erin and Jay gush over her like she was the architect behind the Taj Mahal. Abby passes the time, rocking back and forth before the anger builds up and she starts throwing everything in her vicinity, shouting expleives until she hears the neighbor banging on her door, warning her to shut up, adding a threat that if Abby wakes up her toddler then there will be hell to pay. Abby just cannot escape other people's demon spawns.
"I'm sorry," Abby throws the door open, planting an apologetic smile onto her face.
"Just keep it down please, I just got my kid down for his early afternoon nap and I have a virtual board meeting that starts in three minutes. I need as much quiet as possible."
"I'll keep it down," Abby smiles again, and when the woman gives her a matching smile, Abby shuts the door, and the smile immediately drops, "She's lucky I don't want anymore attention otherwise I'd be louder. Who does she think she is?! She doesn't run anything over here! I didn't birth the brat, it shouldn't be my responsibility to make sure he stays asleep. If she wants quiet, she can move out, she can leave, send him off to the heavens, that's some permanent quiet right there."
She flops back down and grabs her phone, choosing to be bothered by Jay's brat than the one across the hall considering she'll be taking care of her soon enough. She loads up the app and sees the image she saw earlier no longer in frame. From Erin's viewpoint, she can tell Emma must be on the floor, laying on her blanket doing tummy time, "She's holding her head up longer and longer, that's my girl," Erin beams like a proud mama.
"Tough, strong, like her mama."
"Oh the flattery, keep it coming please." Her eyes are drawn from Emma to Jay, and she walks over, stepping over the baby to stand closer, "What time do you have to leave?"
Jay checks his watch, "...probably in the next ten minutes."
"Emma and I can walk you out, I'm going to take Milo for a walk around the neighborhood anyway." She nods towards Milo who is holding his leash in his mouth. His internal clock tells him that it's almost time for his third walk of the day.
"That sounds like a plan," he says, lowering herself to the ground to join in on the fun with Emma as Erin goes to get the carrier. When she returns, the carrier is strapped to her chest, done in half the time it used to take her and then Jay scoops the little one up to help place her inside.
The two of them stand so close to one another. She could practically feel his breath against her face as he ensures Emma is safely hooked inside and each leg is through their respective hole. A strand of her hair falls in front of her eyes but Jay carefully moves it behind her ear. The tips of his fingers brush against her cheek and the touch encourages her gaze to look up and meet his, and the goofy, head over heels smile on his face, stretching out until there are crows feet creasing his eyes sends a matching one to cover her own, "I'm glad you're staying here."
"I'm glad you're letting me stay here. I don't think I've felt this at home in a while."
"I'm happy to hear that," Emma coos and Erin amends, "I mean we're happy to hear that."
"...maybe if you're not busy tonight we can have dinner together?"
"I'm not busy, well unless you count," Erin doesn't finish, she simply looks down at her little one and uses her gaze to fill in the blank, "but other than that, I'm free."
"We've been eating dinner together pretty regularly since the first night you cooked for me and I figured I'd return the favor," he shrugs, trying to act as if it isn't a big deal, "I can swing by the grocery store on my way home from therapy."
"Um," Erin scratches the back of her ear, somewhat confused by the offer, "we've been having dinner together since the night I cooked for us, it's just assumed at this point, why ask?"
Now it's his turn to scratch behind his ear, mirroring her; he's nervous she can tell, even Abby can and she's across the city, "...because I was uh, I was hoping it can be more than just dinner?"
"...like a date?"
"Like a date," he confirms.
"Jay-"
"I know you didn't want me going from one relationship to the next and I'm not. You're not a rebound, you're not a placeholder, I would never in a million years do that, not to you, not after what we've built, not after who we created," he lovingly pinches Emma's thigh, "all those times we've slept together with the understanding of not becoming something more and I was hoping that if I asked you on a date, it's with the potential of being something more. We've been doing great rooming together, we've been doing pretty good at co-parenting even if it's in the early years and our communication has gotten so much better. You're practically my best friend and-"
Erin silences him with a brief peck to his lips. Her lips touched his and then immediately disconnected. It was merely a tool used to silence. And silence it did. Erin steps back, watching Jay brush his thumb along his bottom lip, "I was just going to ask what about Emma?" She smiles. And once again, he mirrors her.
"...maybe if we skip her last nap of the day, she'll go down to sleep early."
It doesn't sound like a bad idea now but the two of them know that a tired Emma is a cranky Emma. Yet, they'll figure that out later. Or at least, she will. He'll be cooking. Jay takes Milo's leash and follows them out of the apartment, he locks up behind him after ensuring Erin has her key to get in. His heart remains thumping, and he's going to have a lot to talk to Milah about because he took a risk, stepped out on a limb and actually asked her out. Pretty crazy of him, maybe, but he's seeing a therapist for it.
Jay's hand hovers above her lower back, guiding her into the elevator. Silence surrounds them, almost awkward, like this is the start of their first date and he's just picking her up. He's caught in his head and he can tell she is too so when the door closes, he breaks the silence, "Why does it feel so awkward? It should not feel this awkward right now."
She blows out a relieved breath, happy he called out the elephant in the room, "Right, you'd think you don't live with me and we don't have a kid together? Let's um, let's not bring that awkward silence back. We're familiar with one another, we've slept together on multiple occasions, I've even done your dirty laundry. We're practically dating already."
"We're practically dating already," he repeats. He reaches for her hand and she welcomes it.
They walk alongside one another outside, looking both ways before crossing the street. She walks him to his car, and the two of them stand along the side of it, facing one another, only for Jay to wave for her to follow him to the sidewalk; he doesn't want the two of them standing in the middle of the street, especially as the evening rush hour will be starting soon.
"Please don't forget to tell Milah about the text."
"I won't," he chuckles, "please be aware of your surroundings."
"This is not my first time walking Milo with Emma. I just can't wait until she's old enough to walk and want to hold the leash herself."
"You say that but at the same time you wish time would slow down."
"True, true, see this is why I keep you around. I need the reality check."
Both smile. Both beam. Their gazes lay upon one another, until Erin releases a nervous sigh, ""We're both just digging our own grave, aren't we?."
"...as long as I'm buried next to you, I don't care."
"Do I have the corny lines to look forward to?"
"Of course, I only save the worst lines for the best person." He leans forward and without thinking pecks her lips. He's used to going for her forehead or the cheek, it's something they've done for months, but this time is different. That text from Abby had more blessings in it than he can count. It's the first full day without a message or a sign from her, both of them can feel the impact in their bones, in the way they carry themselves, the relaxed nature in knowing they don't have to play defense or offense, they can just exist. Jay hopes Abby means what she said in the text, and he hopes Milah can help settle his anxiety surrounding the possibility that she's lying. He really wants to enjoy his date night with Erin. After one more farewell, and one more peck of the lips, he's driving down the road and Erin is walking in the opposite direction.
Erin tucks one hand in her pocket and buries her face downwards, the breeze of the windy city living up to its name. She lets Milo off the leash briefly when they get to the nearest dog park. He stretches his legs, he runs wild and he enjoys the freedom to roam. She doesn't rush him; she never does, and when he's ready to go back inside, he comes to paw her leg and let her know.
"You are such a good boy," she rubs between his ears. He pants, absolutely thirsty and usually Erin brings his travel bowl and a bottled water out with her on warm days but it's pretty chilly and she'd been distracted by Jay. She clips him back to his leash and walks out of the park, stopping at fire hydrants along the way because apparently with all the playing, it left him little time to actually use the bathroom, "You are ridiculous," she chuckles.
By the time they make it back in the house, Jay has made it to his therapy appointment. He walks in with a pep in his step, a renewed sense of being and flops down on Milah's couch radiating happiness, so noticeable that she points it out, "I think this is the first time I've ever seen you so…" she pauses to find the right word, "euphoric," she settles on.
"I've had a pretty good week and I'm living in the moment like you've suggested."
"Please," Milah sets her pen down onto her clipboard, "tell me about this week."
"I asked Erin out," he starts with the best news first, "and she said yes and I'm going to stop by the grocery store after this to get ingredients to make dinner."
"Wait, wait, let's rewind a bit. You asked Erin out, I thought the two of you decided to remain friends, I honestly didn't know there remained feelings between the two of you. I thought it was more so the care you had for one another as the respective parent to you all's daughter."
"It's pretty obvious I found her attractive, otherwise that first meeting wouldn't have happened and you already know we've slept together on and off since then, even when it wasn't my finest hour and I was with Abby. We always talked about the possibility of it being an us, the conversation usually happened after we," he pauses and shrugs, "you know, and Erin has always maintained the boundary of not becoming something more as long as Abby was in the picture. She's not in the picture now and she hasn't been and won't be especially after the text she sent and with me in therapy, seeing you on a regular basis, I think I'm ready."
"You think?"
"I know. I know I'm ready." He couldn't control the smile on his face no matter how hard he tried, "I honestly think we could have something special."
"Well I'm happy for you," she smiles, then lifts up her pen to proceed writing on her notepad as she casually highlights something that he mentioned, "you had said something about a text, context clues tell me it was from Abby. I thought you were going ghost on her?"
"I did. I am. She uh," he reaches into his back pocket for his phone, "She text me this…" he brings it up and extends his phone so she can read firsthand, "I actually wanted to talk about that with you. I second guess how I feel about that and I don't know what to believe."
"What's your heart telling you?"
"That she finally got the message, that the ties have been cut and once my lease is up, she's out of my life."
"…and what's your head telling you?"
"That I can't trust it. I can't trust her. She's lied to me countless times. And if it's true that she isn't in her right state of mind then how do I know that text to me came from a place of sanity? It could be manipulation again. We talked about that a lot in past sessions and this could be that. She's showed me on multiple occasions that I can't believe anything she says when she says it. For all I know, she's still walking around with Emma's face tatted on her. For all I know, she plans to renew the lease on the apartment in her name once mine runs out. She's lied to me so many damn times that my head is telling me why would she tell the truth now?" Jay's shoulders relax once he gets it all out.
Milah hands him back his phone. Then she waits, wanting his words to register and settle in his mind. He doesn't realize it yet but he's used his tools just now and Milah is proud of him for it. She rose from her usual chair, the armchair that she conducts sessions in to walk over and take a seat next to him. She keeps a professional distance between the two of them as she pushes him to make the realization that she just made.
"I called it quits for a reason, and it's not a break or a temporary decision. What she did creeped the hell out of me and a lot has been going on in my life and this was just the tip of the iceberg, this is what sunk me. I packed my bags, she tried to convince me to stay but I was adamant, I stuck to my gut and I left, I don't know where I'll end up but as long as it's not with her I don't care. There were times where she said she'd stop snooping on my phone and she did it anyway. She purposely got me fired from my job. She followed me to Chicago when she agreed to stay behind in Wisconsin. She admitted to being jealous of a baby. She's used suicide to manipulate my feelings and my decisions so why wouldn't she do that now? It can't be because I broke up with her and moved out, no that doesn't make sense." Jay stops talking and turns his head to meet the eyes of his therapist. Her gaze is filled with hope and she slowly nods to encourage him to keep talking, "I don't believe her," he says it with finality, there is trust in his decision and confidence behind how he reached it, "she's playing a game here and trying to manipulate me again, she wants me to think she's changed, she's grown and matured or found whatever sanity she had left probably to win me back. She's lying."
"See Jay," she pats his shoulder then rises back to her feet to carry herself back over to her armchair, "you do know what to believe, you just have to hear yourself out. I did nothing just now. You did all of the thinking on your own. You talked it out, you entertained both thoughts and the one that you truly supported was the one you couldn't shake. Trust your gut. Trust that instinct of yours. When you're gaslit for so many years, of course you'll be confused and doubt yourself, it'll leave you unsure about making decisions and can cause you to overthink but as long as you sort out truth from distortion, reaffirm your truth, and stick to what you know. Let history speak for itself. If she's lying, you're prepared because you already expect from how she's conducted herself in the past. And if she's telling the truth, only time will tell and then that presents a new piece of evidence that conflicts with her pattern of manipulation. Trust yourself, trust your instinct, the part of you that has led you to become such a great detective. Your career is already proof enough that you are observant, exhibit defining intuition, instinct and courage, you possess objectivity, you're patient and have a built in ability to problem-solve, you just need to remember to channel that into your personal life and then go from there. You don't have to worry about your blinders coming back because you're aware of them and you won't let it happen. You have the tools Jay, but they serve you no good if you don't use them."
The remainder of his session is left to process his feelings, reaffirm and build his confidence and identify toxic patterns in his past relationships. Some deep topics were explored yet he left session floating on cloud nine. He stops at the grocery store, grabbing ingredients for garlic steak bites, rice and asparagus. If he had more time, he'd make something more elaborate and thought out, but since it's last minute, he hopes the effort behind it proves the old adage of it's the thought that counts. He takes his time, hoping that he can avoid rush hour so he decides to pull out his phone and shoot Erin off a quick text to see if she needed anything.
"Hold on Kim," Erin whispers to shoot off a response to his text, requesting size two diapers, coffee creamer, a jar of grape jelly (emphasizing not the squeeze container) and floss. She sends off the message and then rejoins the conversation, "okay I'm back."
"So how is lover boy? Where is he? Isn't he late?"
"He's at the grocery store and please don't call him that," Erin facepalms, "he's going to make us dinner and I'm going to keep Emma up as long as possible."
"Why?"
"A baby joining a date can really cramp one's style."
"I can pick her up and watch her."
"Ummmmm…" Erin scratches the back of her head. And Kim reads, and feels somewhat offended by her hesitation, "I'm a whole social worker, Erin. I can take care of a baby. And I'm feeling some type of way by your silence."
"It's not you, honestly it isn't, just wrapping my mind around Emma being away from me for so long, not because I'm at work but because I'm on a date still kind of makes me nervous. You remembered how I felt when you took me out to the bar."
"You'll never get over it if you don't try. Look, I can pick Emma up, and she can stay the night OR after your date, you can come pick her up."
Now the restless, nervous energy sets her ablaze. She can't sit still, Erin angles her phone, setting it down to give Kim the best view she could find then she stands up. She chews down onto her bottom lip and looks back and forth between Kim on FaceTime and Emma doing tummy time. She knows she should take her friend up on this offer, you really can't pass up free babysitting with a person you trust. Erin runs her hand through her hair, and she continues to bite down on her lip even though it's starting to hurt before she decides to give in without overthinking it, "Okay, pick her up, leave now before I change my mind." Kim squeals and claps her hands and Erin kind of feels sorry for her, she has no idea what she's getting herself into, "but Kim remember you gave me two options, if I miss her, I don't care what time it is, I'm coming to pick her up."
"I'm fine with that. I'm completely fine with it."
Erin sets her hands on her hips, knowing that Emma should be fine, it's her mama that Erin worries about the most. She makes a mental list of all the things to pack to cover the night, she knows Kim will complain about the amount of bags she'll end up with but Erin would rather her be over prepared than under. As her mom, she has to think of everything that could go wrong and pack so Kim is prepared for it. Diaper rash cream will have to go just in case Emma gets a flare up. Two bottles just in case she's extra hungry in the night. Her favorite pacifier just in case she can't settle down without it. Extra diapers, a pack of wipes, her baby blanket, two extra outfits, a bib, a toy or two, and-
Suddenly she's broken out of her reverie when she hears Kim calling her name, "Huh?"
"…not to be a snitch but um Milo."
Erin's gaze scans the room before spotting the reason behind Kim's interruption. Milo starts growling, he begins biting into the stuffed octopus again, digging his canine teeth into one of the tentacles and whipping his head side to side to tear it apart. He was almost successful until he felt his human tug his collar to pull him away, "Milo, stop, I don't know why he's so obsessed with this ugly thing. He's either using it as a pillow or trying to tear it apart."
"I say you should let him," Kim shrugs as she fishes through her purse for her keys.
"...and if I do, who's going to clean up the mess that's left behind?"
"Touché."