A/N: The prologue was short, but this chapter is a bit longer, so I hope you enjoy it. Bella may seem a bit OC, but I am trying my best to show her mental illness and how far she has lost herself. If any of you are feeling depressed or suicidal, or just need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me. The National Suicide Hotline is: 1-800-273-8255. Okay, I hope you all enjoy this first chapter! Review and tell me what you think!

WARNING: GRAPHIC MENTIONS OF SELF HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, SUICIDE ATTEMPTS, AND TRIGGERING IMAGERY. IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY THIS OR DO NOT ENJOY IT, DO NOT READ.

Chapter One.

My heart was racing; my vision was blurry. The whole universe was crashing down around me.

I was having a panic attack.

When I was younger I used to have them frequently, but as I grew older they stopped almost completely.

Then he left, and everything changed.

I could hardly catch my breath, and my brain seemed on autopilot. Everything was falling apart at the seams and all I could do was wait it out until I calmed down again. If I calmed down again.

Hanging out with Jacob had helped for a while, but then he left too, and I was back to square one.

Another crushing blow for Bella Swan. Life: 2, Bella: 0.

Life seemed to be looking up after I figured out Jacob's secret, and he and I started to hang out again. My best friend, my one confident who never judged me when I fell off the deep end.

But then he left me too.

Leah Clearwater, a gorgeous native who had lost her boyfriend of four years to her cousin. Leah, a spitfire beauty queen. Leah, Jacob's equal in every way after she phased into a wolf that matched his size and speed.

Leah, his soulmate.

Jacob cast me to the side and now lived in harmony with her, while I sit on the bathroom floor with tears dripping down my cheeks and my nails digging into my palms so hard that they bled.

Why did I have to get that stupid paper cut at that birthday party? Edward would have never left, I would have never gotten close to Jacob.

I would be at the mall with Alice or playing video games with Emmett. I would be listening to Jasper's war stories or reading beside Carlisle in his study. I would be learning new recipes with Esme or falling asleep as Edward played with my hair and hummed my lullaby.

I would be in heaven.

A sob escaped from my mouth and I but my lip tightly, hoping Charlie hadn't heard me.

But unfortunately for me, he had. A small tap on the door later, and his gruff voice said. "You okay in there, Bells?" My heart clenched pathetically at the nickname. Jacob used to call me that, but now he probably called Leah something like Lee or Lee Lee.

"Yeah, dad. I'm fine."

"I thought I heard you crying."

"Yeah, I stubbed my toe on the tub. Hurt pretty bad."

"Okay, just making sure you were okay." When his footsteps disappeared, and his bedroom door shut, my shoulders slumped in relief and my nails dug into the skin of my arms as I tried to calm down. Charlie couldn't find out, I couldn't worry him anymore. I had done that enough these past five months.

I had to be strong for him. He was all I had now. My mother had cast me aside for Phil, and Edward and Jacob had abandoned me. I was all alone except for Charlie.

My heart started to slow down as my fingernails drew blood, and I welcomed the pain that anchored me. With a grateful sigh, I pulled out my nails and pulled my sleeves back down.

Was this what my life had come to, hurting myself? I never thought I would be the type of person to do this, but the relief it gave me was almost too good to pass up.

With care, I washed my hands and dried them with a towel before exiting the bathroom and going back to my room. My head hit the pillow and my body cocooned in the purple comforter. For now, I was okay.

I feared by morning that another attack would take place, but for now, I rested. For once my dreams weren't nightmares, and I slept peacefully.

The next morning was a rush since I hadn't set my alarm, and I left the house without eating. My head was a mess, and during class, I slipped my hand up my sleeve to leave more marks on my skin to help my restless mind.

At one-point blood had made me want to throw up, but now it excited me. If there was blood, it would no doubt hurt. And if it hurt, I was thinking about the pain and not them.

"You okay, Bella? You look a little out of it." Angela whispered quietly into my ear during lunch. Mine consisted of a bottle of water, and I sipped it slowly.

"I'm fine." Save me, my inner voice thought. Save me.

"If you need to talk, I'm here for you." All I could do was nod.

The bell rang, and my next class started.

Bad thoughts filled my mind, and I imagined what it would be like to cliff dive again.

My body smacking against the cold water, my neck snapping at the impact.

I dug my nails into my arms again, biting my lip to keep in a hiss of pain.

Cliff diving, cliff diving, cliff diving.

I would go this weekend when Charlie was out. I'd leave him a note.

My body was on autopilot for the rest of the day until I left my last class and escaped out the school doors. The cold seats of the truck calmed me and reminded me of a better time.

Images of choking on the water and drowning wracked my brain as I drove.

A letter for Renee, a letter for Charlie, a letter for Edward, a letter for Alice, a letter for Angela.

A letter for Jacob, I thought grimly.

A goodbye to all the wonderful people who had touched my heart.

Soon I wouldn't be their problem anymore; I would be free with Grandma and Grandpa Swan, and Grandma Higginbotham.

A smile graced my lips as I pulled into the driveway. Charlie wasn't home.

Soon, I thought, soon.

Days passed, everything jumbling together until the upcoming Saturday. Charlie was going fishing with Billy and Harry and wouldn't be back until Sunday night, much to my delight. That Friday night I wrote each letter out on special paper with a ballpoint pen, and I set them on the kitchen table for him to find when he returned home.

There wouldn't be a trace of me left, and he wouldn't have to go to the trouble of a funeral.

I would be gone, and the world would keep moving around and around. My family would move on, and so would Angela and Jacob. Edward and Alice probably wouldn't care, but a small part of me hoped they would.

The ride to La Push had me feeling light and airy, and I grinned as I made my way up the cliffs.

As the water crashed down below me I felt excitement bubble in my stomach.

Was I really doing this, killing myself?

The wind picked up and rain peppered my skin, soaking through my clothes.

Yes, I was.

My eyes shut tightly as I stepped forward, right on the edge.

It would all be over soon, and everyone could go on with their lives. They could be happy without me.

Goodbye dad, mom. Alice and Angela. Edward and Jacob. I'll always love you all.

I jumped off, my body fell fast.

But then two strong arms yanked me back up.

My back slammed into the ground and my eyes looked up at the downcast sky. The room was spinning, and all I saw were dark eyes.

"What the fuck are you doing, Bella! What the fuck!" Embry Call, one of Jacob's best friends, stood over me with a furious expression. His hands held me down as he yelled at me, but I was too numb to process.

What was going on? Why was Emby here? His dark eyes stared right through, and his drenched hair stuck to his forehead. He was exuding heat, and I was suffocating.

"You could have died! Charlie would have been devastated! Jacob would have been broken beyond repair! Don't you care?"

"They're better off without me." I fought at his tight hold, trying to escape to finish my plan. This wasn't how it was supposed to go, I was supposed to be dead already. Free.

"Do you even hear yourself? That's bullshit, Bella! You're so full of it!"

"Let me go, please." My anxiety skyrocketed, and my heart pounded against my rib cage. Without warning, I screamed and slammed my head against the ground, sobbing. "I can't take it anymore."

"You can't kill yourself!"

"What do I have to live for anymore?" Tears streamed down my face and into my neck, and my vision grew blurry as I continued to beat my head against the hard ground. Embry removed one of his hands to grab my head, forcing me to stop.

Now with a free hand, I pathetically pulled at his grip on my other arm.

"You have me." He let go to pull me into an embrace, but I ducked underneath him and ran toward the edge of the cliff again. As my body started to fall I felt a calmness fill my body but it was short-lived as Embry yanked me back up, this time crushing me against his chest.

"Let me die! Let me die!" It was all I craved. I had never wanted anything more in my life.

"I'm not letting you die, Bella! You're going to live! You have to live!" All hope left me, and I relaxed my body, crying pathetically toward the ground. "I've got you, it's okay. I'm here." Embry's strong arms cocooned me to his warm body, and it reminded me of Jacob. I cried and cried as he held me, his long fingers running through my hair like Edward's once had. "I'm here, I'm not leaving."

"Please, let me die." I whispered into his shirt.

"Shh, I've got you. I'm not leaving."

Half of me wished that he would, but the other half hoped he'd stay.

I needed someone, anyone to stay. Even as I wanted to end it all, I was still eager for a companion.

How ironic to want to be held tenderly and to want to be thrown off a cliff at the same time.

"Where are we going?" We had been driving for a while after the ordeal, his jaw tight and shoulders tense. I felt almost meek beside him, shaking and crying in the seat while he drove. I didn't even know if he had a license.

He had carried me down the cliff and placed me into the passenger seat of my truck before getting into the driver's side and driving off.

"Back to your house."

"Why?"

"I'm not leaving you alone."

"You'll have to go home sometime." I muttered bitterly, shoving my hands in my pockets. Once he left I could finish what I started, and everyone would be better for it.

"You'd think that, wouldn't you?"

After a while we finally pulled into my house, and I slowly got out and followed him to the front door. Embry searched the door frame for something until he pulled out and extra key and unlocked the door.

"How do you know where I live and how did you know where the extra key was?"

"I've been here before, Bella. Quil and I used to come over with Jake all the time." I winced and fell back into the couch, holding my chest tightly. Hearing his name made me feel like I was ripping in two.

Seeing my response, he sat down next to me and said. "Sorry, I know you miss him."

"Miss him?" I chuckled darkly, fiddling with a loose strand on my jeans. "If you mean feeling like I've been hit by a truck, doused in gasoline, and lit on fire then yeah, I guess you could say I miss him." My voice grew shaky and I felt tears pool in my eyes, but I swallowed a few times to keep from crying again.

I didn't want to cry anymore, I didn't even want to be here anymore. Why couldn't he have let me go, let me find peace? Embry wasn't a mean person; shy and reserved, but never rude.

Maybe this was my punishment for treating everyone so poorly? When I was dating Edward all summer, I barely saw Charlie or my friends from school and never tried to. I barely talked to Renee anymore, and Jacob I used for my own selfish reasons until he forsake me for another.

I lay my head in my hands and breathed in deeply, letting it out in one gust of air.

"Bella, you can't just kill yourself because of Jake and some bloodsucker. You're way better than that." He paused and clicked his tongue before continuing. "Your mom and dad will be broken without you, and so will your friends. And even if he's the reason you're doing this, Jake still cares about you too." It was almost like he was rubbing salt into the wound now. Jake still cared about me? That's great, but he left me for someone better. Same as Edward. I was unlovable.

"Charlie has Billy and Harry and Renee has Phil, my friends will move on and so will Jacob. He's happy and in love with Leah now." Our eyes met, and I started to sob, my heart going haywire in my chest and my stomach right like a knot. "Embry, I'm better off dead. I've done all I can do here. My life doesn't make an impact on anyone, so what's the use anymore?" "It makes an impact on me."

"You're just saying that! You don't even know me!" I rose to my feet and screeched at him, wiping some tears off my cheek with my sleeve.

"I don't need to know you to know that you deserve to live, Bella!" Embry's warm arms wrapped around me again and held me tight against his chest, but I held in the cries that threatened to escape. "I'm not leaving you until I make you understand how much you existing means to the world."

"You'll be here forever if you do that."

"If that's what it takes." As he held me in his arms I felt my eyes start to droop on their own accord, exhaustion from the day filling my body.

The last thing I remember was Embry humming a calming tune in my ear and his fingers running through my hair.