Chapter 9
"You want to WHAT?!" Cressida yells, confused about my strange request.
"I want to create a funeral video of me. Snow will never get that I'm really dead unless we all work together to make it super realistic."
Cressida with big eyes ponders at this for a few seconds then nods in agreement.
"So, what do you need me to do?"
"I need you just to film it. Maybe ask Plutarch to come up with a script."
She nods again.
"The thing is, this needs to be live, so in order for it to be live, we need to make it as realistic and not scripted as possible." I inform her.
"I agree, Katniss. But, there's still so many other things we need to buff out with the plans for it. Creating a 'live feed' is extremely difficult if people know it's a recording. It's not as natural as you'd imagine."
Irritated at that comment, I snipe back, "Believe me, I know."
"So, you're asking me to do?" She queries.
"Just film it. Maybe have Plutarch give some feedback and tips on what people should say exactly. Everyone is in on it."
I run my hand down my colossal bump, I wished I didn't have to take these measures just to win a rebellion. This revolution is at my fingertips and I will finish this unnecessary war.
"Okay. Sure. I suppose. How are we all going to act and so it realistically while making it look live? You may not be the best at acting even if you're supposed to be dead."
"Coin informed me that a local girl here who looks somewhat similar to me died when Snow dropped the bombs. They've been waiting til the family have approval to cremate her body. So, we have a prep team who going to make her up to look exactly like me. Dye her hair the perfect colour, put putty on her face to shape it like mine and then all you'll see of 'me' is her body burning."
She ponders at the thought and then nods her head. Cressida then asks,
"One thing— how did you die in this scenario?"
I run my hand down my bump, thinking it may have dropped a small bit as my lower back is killing me. With this in mind, I finish,
"With everything crossed for it not to actually happening, when I give birth…"
Cressida's eyes instantly drift down to my belly which I hold with both hands. She looks shocked from my proposed idea. I hate the idea, but Snow may still not even realise that I am actually pregnant so with an actual baby in Peeta's hands as he whimpers over my 'dead corpse' it will sell more than if I had some other stupid fake thing happen to me. This is so horrible and so unbelievable that no one would actually think I would wish for something to happen on the day of my life. But, I couldn't imagine if anything like that did ever happen, because she has changed my whole life already. And I would absolutely hate for her to live without me beside her as her mother in this world, before or after I inevitably kill Snow.
"Is Peeta okay with that plan?" Cressida asks, breaking my thoughts.
When I told Peeta that this was what I wanted to do, I treaded lightly. I didn't want to set him off to Mutt Peeta again. I don't like when he visits at all... It's not good for me, or for Peeta, or my stress levels for our baby inside me…
-Flashback-
Peeta's eyes go wide and instantly glaze with worry.
"Katniss, you want Snow to think you died… giving birth to our baby girl…?" Peeta chokes out, his glazed eyes staring deep into my soul.
I hate that this is the only thing that I think will actually work against Snow. So many people, especially in the dark days, died during childbirth as we never had the right equipment to help women when complication do happen. And unfortunately that used to happen to heaps of people. Sometimes, even the babies didn't survive… that thought makes me absolutely sick to my stomach.
"Peeta… Snow probably still doesn't believe that I am actually pregnant. Aside from you bringing it up at the Quell interviews, nothing else has really been shown or told to anyone in Panem that we do have this baby almost here."
Peeta rises from the cuddled position we had and moves so he's sitting on the edge of the bed, with his hands knotted in his bed tousled hair.
"You know that's just asking for something to happen when you actually give birth right? Like a big red target over your head… Katniss, if anything ever happens to you or her…" He trails off, his knuckles go white and strained within his blonde locks.
I'm starting to think that telling Peeta may have been a bad idea. But, I knew from previous experience with Mutt Peeta still in there that not telling him is even worse for him than if I just tried to soften the blow now.
"I'm not wanting for this to happen, but I just think this is the most believable thing. I'm the Mockingjay for God sakes, it always seemed like something so simple would be my undoing in this rebellion. As horrible as it is for me to think about and how much it hurts me to think of, I just think it's going to be the best and worst solution…"
I struggle around my belly to roll up so I can sit next to Peeta. I shuffle across the bed to sit next to him, placing my hand on his knee.
"I don't want you to die, Katniss… Even if it's just for Snow…" His voice gets strained on Snow's name. He doesn't often say Snow's name, it's too hard for him. Too many horrible memories attached to his name. I also try to refrain from saying it when he's around because I don't want to set him off in any way.
I ponder to think if there could be any other options. I search the many ways we could do this. With my ending, doesn't also mean the end of the rebellion. So, with the timeline that Coin has demanded for the mission, it will also work with this area of the mission which I have tried to craft, slowly but surely it's all coming together.
"No one is really going to like it, Peeta. But, I do think that it has to happen. It's because of how horrific the thought of it is, which will seem like I couldn't craft something like that." I try to explain, I know that he is going to feel this the most out of everyone, real or not.
I hear a sniffle and look up. In the dim of our compartment, I can't make out anything except a glistening from a tear trailing down his cheek. I hate seeing him cry, it breaks my heart. There's really only been a few times I've seen him cry. Most of them recently with his scrambled head and his overwhelmed emotions from our baby. One of the times that I will never forget is when I told him I was pregnant.
"I know what you're trying to do, Katniss. I see how it's the best option, but…" He pauses, I think he's searching for words to follow. I don't rush him, I know this is really hard for him.
Next, Peeta's breath hitches and he starts to sob. It crushes me from the inside out. I never wanted Peeta to feel like this. It hurts every part of me for him to feel like this, because of something I have said and done.
"Peeta…" I sigh, leaning over and wrapping my arms around his shoulders. His hands drop from his hair and come up to hold my arms.
"You don't know because you sleep so soundly now you don't get nightmares often… but, I still get them—" Peeta trembles in my arms, I can't stop myself from squeezing him tighter. Pressure against my stomach starts to build as I push myself against him to hopefully try to calm him.
His breath hitches again before he starts again, "I dream about you both dying. Almost every night. Her—" He shudders instantly, breaking down into almost uncontrollable sobs. The sound makes me tear up.
He takes a few minutes to stop sobbing uncontrollably, then he composes himself enough to continue. "—I see you give birth to her, in that moment, I'm as happy as I could have ever imagined. Then she gets taken away from Snow to use against me. To torture me some more. Then Snow kills you and I'm left with nothing. He taunts me with not being able to reach her. Not being able to soothe her like she has done for me all these months since I've been back. Almost every night, I have the same dream, each one just a little bit different. I wake up stiffened with fear and unable to move. Each night, I wonder whether this will be the night that I will turn Mutt again. And what I fear I could do to you while you sleep if that happens is…" I stop breathing. "I fall asleep so deeply in love with you and I wake frightened with fear about what could come from this which seems to be my reality for the time being."
I don't know what to say. I used to be able to see when Peeta was having a nightmare. I could feel him change and awaken whilst I was deep asleep. Maybe this baby is just putting me into an even more deep sleep than I realised. I feel like I've been punched in the gut thinking that I haven't been able to help Peeta throughout all of this.
"Why didn't you wake me?" I breathe, softer than a whisper.
"I couldn't, you need rest. Creating our baby is exhausting for you and you didn't need my extra things on top of that."
"Don't be silly, Peeta…" Now, I'm choking back sobs. "I don't want you fighting off your own personal demons in secret. We are doing this life together, that means the good, bad and ugly. And we've had our fair share of it all."
Peeta now silently letting tears fall. I don't know how to fix this situation. The emotions right now are so high, it's gonna take a few days to emotionally recover from this.
"Why didn't you at least tell the doctors you were struggling again? They may have been able to help?" I question, my voice still small because I don't want to disrupt the air in this emotionally bubble we have created.
"I didn't want to go back into that room again. Be strapped down and away from you. I've come so far, I didn't want to take a step back and go back into that room and ruin all the progress we have had these last few weeks."
Sadly, I see exactly why he didn't say anything. The progress we have made will be back to nothing. I wish it wasn't like this, but Snow caused so much horrible damage to Peeta's head, this will most likely just continue to be an ongoing thing until we die… Unless there's something else that can keep these Mutt and nightmare take overs for life. But, I fear that will never be an option.
"Okay. I'm sorry, Peeta. I wish I knew. I feel like a terrible…" It's this moment, I realise… I don't know what we are to each other. Are we a couple? Boyfriend and girlfriend? That seems like a silly term for how much we have been through. Are we just parents together for the future baby that will arrive?
I pull away from Peeta's grasp and I stand up, settling myself between his legs, looking at him in the eyes, red and watery from many minutes of raw tears erupting.
"Peeta, what are we?"
He looks at me puzzled. "What?" He chokes out, confused by my sudden complete conversation change.
"What are we to each other?"
Peeta looks at me like a lost dog. I just can't believe we haven't had this conversation. We love each other, just about all our lives, me not realising I was in love with him and Peeta confused while he was being hijacked. But, we've never even said anything close to a status for us. I want nothing more than to have a whole life together with Peeta and our baby. So, what does that make us?
-End of Flashback-
"He's fine with it. All things considered. We made a deal with each other." I inform Cressida.
She looks at me a little confused, but shrugs it off and continues by nodding. We discuss things officially and then we just have to wait until I eventually give birth for this fun funeral to be recorded for Snow.
:-:
The next few days, it's quiet. Just waiting for her to arrive. We know it's going to be soon, but it literally could be any time. We've been going to some meetings regarding what to do when she arrives regarding the 'funeral arrangements' and the mission itself. I've felt her drop into place, which the doctor said some mother's do feel and others don't. Just her getting into position for birth. It's scary. I have this massive belly and soon enough, I won't have it anymore and it'll just be leftover skin while I can hold my baby for real. Peeta and I have spent a lot of time together. After the night when I told him my plan, we've been spending lots of time just talking to each other and making sure we are all on the same page. It's been good for us to make sure it's all out in the open with us.
Peeta and I decide that we need some time to ourselves, well even more. With the baby coming so soon, we want to spend some quality time together doing things which are both calming and relaxing. So that I am fully happy and at the best I can be when she does eventually want to push her way into this world. I still have that fear of Peeta going Mutt when I am away on my mission to kill Snow, but I'm trying to ignore it and believe that we are all going to be okay. I'm just trying to focus on keeping myself happy and healthy for as long as possible. It's easy to be eating healthily as I am still eating like a horse as she is making me hungry every moment. Peeta is always willing to give me as much of his own rations, as he just wants me and little miss to be perfect at all times. I mean, I will never be perfect again, maybe in Peeta's eyes when isn't turned into Mutt Peeta, but our baby girl will always be perfect in Peeta's eyes. Even if our baby girl turns out to be a boy and Peeta has been wrong about his beliefs on what our baby really is.
As Peeta and I think about the place we want to go for some time to ourselves, I find my thoughts drifting to the green room in the hanger. The beautiful lush green life which I have really missed whilst I've been living amongst these grey walls. I miss nature. I miss outside. I miss home. I can't wait for this war to be over and Peeta and I can take our baby to our home District and live in mine or his house. Probably his. I still have Prim and my mother to think about. I can't let myself be selfish and take my house or Peeta, the baby and I, because I won those Games for them, so they deserve to live in my winnings. But, I know Peeta would want me to be comfortable in whatever is best for me, so he'll probably protest at first for me wanting to live with him in his house. But, I have my sister and mother to think about. I'm just assuming that we will be allowed home. I know that it's been confirmed to be safe from any wayward bombs or anything bad which was plagued to Twelve by the Captiol bombers.
I just hope that Twelve is able to be rebuilt into something beautiful where people don't have to kill themselves just to have a cup of grain for dinner every night. I hope that this war will bring jobs which people are wanting to do and not just jobs which they are made to do for the sake of the precious Capitol. I don't think the Capitol will change much if everything changes in the other Districts when this war is over. I believe it will still be the base for all high-life living citizens of Panem. But, I have faith in the other Districts that they will be able to change their lives and help reshape Panem into something full of hope and happiness. I like to think that everyone is excited for this war to end so that they can live a happy, carefree life that they are proud to be living to the absolute fullest that they can.
"I know somewhere where we can go, Peeta!" I say, trying to get out from my seat at the cafeteria.
Peeta instantly stands up and helps me up from my seat.
"Where would that be?" He questions without hesitation.
"You'll see. Follow me." I tell him.
He laughs as I then start to waddle in front of him, "I'll try and keep up." He comments. I shoot a glare back at him. This just eggs on his laughing.
In about five minutes we arrive in the hanger. I tell Peeta about all of the things which Gale and I did in here to prepare for each trip away to other Districts for promos. He tenses up and I think that it might give him an episode, but he just frustrated that Coin kept putting our baby and my life at risk. I tell him everything is fine now so that's the main thing. Especially because she is absolutely healthy and happy in my belly.
"Why are we in here, Katniss?" He asks after he calms down a little.
"You'll see."
Peeta and I arrive in the green room in the hanger, just as quiet and as beautiful as I last remember it. There's more nature and colour in here from when I last remember. There are so many more flowers now which is allowing so much more colour than just the incredible different coloured greens which are bringing me so much instantly calm without even knowing it. I'm very much an outdoors person and I haven't realise how much I've missed nature until I've come back in here for the first time in months. I haven't visited it since the first time back with Beetee and Gale when I watched the hummingbirds. I smile as I think about the beautiful animals which I've missed encountering whilst I've been stuck hundreds of kilometres below the surface of proper civilization, where we are supposed to be living our lives. Yes, I know of the nuclear-ness which has led to Thirteen being underground, but I just wish that I could be up there instead of down here in this horrid grey disappointing place filled with anger and discomfort towards almost everyone.
"Wow." I hear Peeta say, snapping me out of my thoughts of the horrible place outside of this nature cave of wonderfulness.
I can't help the smile that crosses my face when I then proceed to tell Peeta about everything that both Gale and Beetee told me months prior. He seems instantly impressed with the talent of the creators of his beautiful part of 13. He's amazed about there being more than just two beauties in this place. Myself and the baby being the other two according to Peeta, of course. I can't help but shake my head and smirk when he says this, typical Peeta. Soon, we find a spot underneath the thriving willow tree which was significantly smaller last time I was here, Peeta sitting against the tree and myself in Peeta's arms. His hands lay on my stomach, drawing little circles with his fingers, which leaves little miss calm and myself calm also. We sit together, not really saying much for a good while, then we bring ourselves to again, like always, talk about the baby.
"Are we all sorted for her, Peeta?"
I say, looking down at the still increasingly growing bump where she lives, then rubbing the underside of my belly softly.
"Yes, Katniss. You're just worried about it for nothing. She's going to have everything she'll ever need." Peeta confirms, kissing my head softly and then leaning his cheek onto my dark locks.
"I just don't think we have enough for her." I murmur, looking at the ground where my feet should be.
I close my eyes and breathe out deeply, trying to calm myself but I can't stop thinking that we are not going to have everything that she needs. I just want her happy and healthy with everything she could ever need, but without the same Capitol luxuries that we did have before, I am not certain of everything that we will be needing for her. If the Capitol was still the Capitol without this war in the middle of it, I know we would have received hundreds of packages from people around all of Panem with so much stuff which we didn't even know that we needed, as well as the stuff from Hazelle. I am very appreciative of Hazelle passing down the beautiful things which she had for her children, but that's all we've had which is not as much as I know people have boasted about needing in prior discussions.
"Katniss, we'll be fine. We have enough. I promise." Peeta says calmly, again stroking my hair and then planting a lasting kiss as well.
"I just want her to have everything that she could possibly need."
"She's got everything."
I try and take another deep breath, this one actually calming me just the slightest, then I reply, "Okay."
"I thought of Lyra this morning." Peeta comments, stroking my belly again, seeing how she will reply to it.
I feel nothing. I shake my head. I don't agree with that name, along with little miss. It's just not something which I can imagine myself calling my child. It's a pretty name, so I definitely understand why Peeta thought of it in the first place, but I don't think it's for her.
"You don't like it, do you, Katniss?" Peeta asks, sensing the disagreement inside my head.
"It's pretty, but not her for."
"I thought the same. I just wanted to run it past you anyways."
I smile at Peeta's thoughtfulness and bury my head deeper into his chest, closing my eyes and trying to imagine what else we could possibly name her.
"I've been trying to think of plant names. Like your father and mother did for you and Prim."
I smile even wider at Peeta's thought about my father. I know he's always worried about me after he died since he was such an important and large part of my life when I was young. I guess he wants him to be apart of this next journey of my life, just as I've always had a little bit of him around me at each different stage of my life, even when he was gone. I can't help it when I shed a quick tear over him. Peeta seems to instantly notice, as he always does, wrapping himself up around me even tighter and continuing to bury his head into my hair. This time whispering little things to me to help me calm down. But, with the hormones constantly at bay, I cry now more than ever. Luckily Peeta is always catching up on it and helping me as soon as he knows.
"I'm fine. I'm fine." I assure Peeta, wiping my tears from my blushed cheeks after a few minutes.
"You sure? It was only an idea. I didn't intend for it to hurt you so much."
I turn my whole body around to face Peeta finally, for the first time whilst being on the ground under this willow tree. I can see the pain and hurt in his features from what he thinks he did to me. I can't help but smile at how much he cares. Even though he was ruined my Snow, he's come back to me. I help not just me but our baby in helping to rebuild our lives. The same as I'm here to help him rebuild, not just his life, but his mind. It was so hard to get us to where we are right now, but I can't do anything more than thank Peeta for fighting to come back to us. I'm just glad that I could finally give him what I never thought I could give him, myself, my feelings, just me and everything that comes with me. I'm happy I was able to open up to him completely. I have nothing to hide. I am all his. And he is all mine.
"Peeta, I love that idea." I say softly, reaching up and cupping his cheeks in my tiny hands.
His worry and sadness turns into pure joy, a massive smile growing on his face.
"Really?"
"Yes." I say, chuckling and leaning myself closer to him.
He closes that gap between us and we share a soft, loving kiss filled with happy agreement. When we pull apart, we smile at each other for a little bit, just staring into each other's eyes.
Mesmerised by his eyes, I can't find myself about to pull my glance away from his. I get lost in the incredible blue hue which stare back into mine so lovingly. I'm in bliss staring at him for at least a few minutes, our hands holding the other gently and with slow caresses. His eyes are beautiful. Just like the rest of him. I've never looked at another man the way that I have with Peeta, never found myself attracted to someone other than Peeta. I wonder about him. Am I the only person he's been attracted too? I wonder if he's ever looked at anyone else with those eyes the same way that he is looking into mine right now. My body grows tense and my eyes go hard and begin to frown at the fact that he probably has. I left it too long for him to be constantly in love with me. Maybe he has always loved me, but has he always had eyes for me?
"Katniss?" Peeta asks, concerned and worried.
Concerned and worried. Please. Does he even want me at all?!
I grit my teeth together and push myself away from him, them trying to get onto my feet. With a nine-month belly in the way, it's extremely difficult, but I cannot let him help me. I'm too annoyed. I'm too angry.
"Katniss, what is it?"
I find myself struggling even more than I could have thought to have been, just trying to get up off the ground! I huff in frustration and find myself growing angrier just from this small thing.
"You're such a traitor, Peeta!" I exclaim, gasping for air as I finally am able to get into a position to get onto my feet.
Peeta hands are on me, trying to get me up.
"Get off me!" I yell, pushing myself away from his hands.
With hurt in his eyes, Peeta stares at me utterly confused.
"What have I done, Katniss?"
I glare at him as I finally am able to push myself up onto my feet. Trying to stand my ground a significant distance between us, I hold my hands on my hips and continue to glare at him as I say, "Who else?"
Peeta, completely bewildered stares at me in completely confusion.
"Who else what, Katniss? What's wrong?"
"Who else have you looked sidewards at and thought 'Damn I want me some of that?'."
He chuckles, almost instinctively. It makes me mad and I huff, turning around and beginning to walk away from him, towards the main door of the Hanger.
"Wait, Katniss!" Peeta calls after me, running up to being in front of me.
I keep my eyes locked on the door, ignoring Peeta who is walking backwards, facing me to keep up with my speed, pretty easily actually, to my complete annoyance.
"Katniss, are you serious right now?"
I finally stop and stare at him, having to catch my breath for a second. With a deadly glare, I exclaim, "Of course I'm being serious right now, Peeta! Who else have you wanted to fuck?!"
I can feel the few people actually in here minding their own business now looking at me and Peeta. Peeta goes bright red, most likely also thinking about the other eyes who are staring at us.
"Katniss-"
"Honestly!"
He huffs in frustration, looking at me dead in the eyes.
"It's always been you, Katniss. Always." He says, what seems like sincerely.
"What did I just say?!"
"It's the honest answer. I promise you."
Still not completely convinced, I keep looking at his angrily, and quizzically too.
"I swear on her life." He says, stepping towards me, pressing his hand onto my stomach.
I want to flinch away, but I know that he wouldn't wish anything bad onto our child, only the good things. I calm down, feeling defeated and completely stupid, as well as humiliated. My face loosens up and then I stare down to my belly, wishing I could see the ground. Peeta's hand is still firmly holding my stomach and it brings me the calm and comfort that I needed, especially right now.
"I'm sorry." I mutter, softer than anything else.
Peeta probably can barely hear it, but he instantly accepts my apology. I feel his hand on my cheek, pushing my head up to meet his eyes. They are warm and welcoming, and still so pleasing and beautiful to look at. I stare at him, this time not in anger, in defeat but also happy. I shouldn't have even thought such a thing. I don't know what came over me. Hormones, I think. Duh, Katniss. Peeta just smiles at me, understanding everything that's been happening. Little Miss making it harder for me to look like a normal person, constantly! I don't just look ridiculous with this huge stomach attached to my small body, but she's making me look even stupider with my raging hormones. Thanks girl. Coming to, Peeta is still staring at me with those beautiful eyes without anything but pure love inside them.
Then it happens... The pop, the gush, the pain, and the wet. I stop all of my movements, my body now shaking in fear. Peeta knows. He looks scared. I can't do anything but keep looking at him and hoping that he can think of what to do next, because I am in utter shock and I cannot do a thing.
"Katniss?" He splutters out.
"It's happening."
Then he starts running around like a lunatic. I can't help it when I gasp in pain as I feel a pang inside my lower stomach. I can't believe she's finally coming. I haven't been ready. I don't feel ready. People say that I will take to it naturally as I did when I had to mother Prim, but I still don't believe that I can do these things. As well as starting to feel more of the pain from contractions, I start to have worry filling every part of my body.
I don't want to do this. I don't think I can do this. I don't want to go into labour. I don't want to have to push her out of my body. I don't want more pain on my body. I've had enough pain inflicted on my body from the Games and starving almost to death after the death of my father. I don't want this. I don't want her. I can't have her. I feel my body shaking with fear and my heart thumps throughout every single piece of my body. I look down at my hands and they are shaking more than I have ever seen. My head pounds and starts to add to the pain I feel from her deciding to come. I look up to Peeta who's still frantic. He looks at me and moves his lips. My brows furrow as I wonder why he'd mouth something instead of saying it. His mouth moves again, seeming to word 'Katniss', but I can't hear his husky voice. I try and gather myself and my body buckles under the pressure which the baby is putting me through. Next thing, my world is black.
Author's Note:
It's baby time! I had some spare time up my sleeve today as I'm home sick and was going over the chapter to remind me about something to add into the newest chapter I'm writing, and I didn't realise it was baby time already! I had to get some jealous Katniss in there one last time before baby came, so I'm sorry if it's a bit cringe... I wrote that part in three years ago and didn't know how else to write that part when I went back to change it up.
Also I made a mistake in my previous chapter, I brought up Effie being in Thirteen to help with Peeta while Katniss is in the Capitol, but I have not incorporated her into the rest of the story, so I have had to take that part out. At this stage, we still don't know what's happened to Effie and where she is. I don't even know where to put her yet if I do bring her up, which I'm sure I will because everyone loves Effie.
Okay, I'm done now. Please enjoy, I don't think I'll make you wait too long for the next chapter so please keep an eye out.
Lots of love, everlark4ever75 xx