Chapter 12

-Flashback-

The night before the Games, I'm scared. I'm worried about going into the Games with a baby inside me. Peeta warned them in the interviews, but I'm sure they didn't believe it. They probably just think that it's a ploy to stop the Games so that we don't have to endure what they've been creating for us these last few months. It's been three months roughly since that night and I'm not showing at all. I just look a little more plump but I'm sure they can blame what they feed us for that and not the fact I could actually be pregnant. I lay in my bed, worried about what will be in store for us tomorrow morning when we start the beginning of the last few days of my life. I run a hand over my very small bump, I wonder what it would look like? Peeta or me? I'm sure the blonde would carry over, Peeta and his brothers are all very similar looking. Prim and my mother, the same. Myself, no. I will never find out. It will die with me… As much as I don't want Peeta to deal with that pain, he will not be able to save myself and it. I'm sure once they actually do know I'm pregnant, it will be ripped from my body and put far away from Peeta. Used as a ploy for something terrible. I don't even want to think about it…

My terror inducing thoughts are interrupted by a soft knock at the door. I know it's Peeta. He's come in every night since I told him I was pregnant. He doesn't wanna be away from me. And neither do I. I want to spend every minute of the rest of my life with him. I rise from the bed, adjusting the nightgown I wear so I don't flash anything to him, not that it matters. He's seen it all. But, all of my body is starting to change with this child inside me. I don't particularly want to show Peeta, he will be disgusted. I tiptoe to the door and unlock it, letting him inside. I walk back to the bed and turn to face the window, looking out to the skyscrapers which surround our tower. I feel the bed dip and Peeta's warm body comes close to me, his arms engulfing me against his chest.

"I tried, Katniss." His voice smaller than a mouse, his head resting against my shoulder.

I don't answer because he knows that I know that. I just keep my eyes looking outside, on a massive screen outside which is just out of view but not enough so I can't see what's on. They are broadcasting the previous Games which all of us Victor's have competed in. It's showing Chaff's, highlighting his time. I try not to look, it will make it seem even more real that soon it'll happen again. I move my eyes from the screen and just watch the flashing lights of Capitol people's apartments which are just small squares and rectangles of lights into other people's lives.

"You're going to get out of there. I don't want you to do something stupid like sacrifice yourself and our child for my life, Katniss. What will I do once I come back from the Games? Just sit alone and wanting you and our child knowing I can never have it."

"You deserve to go and get another girl, Peeta. It's nothing but a small piece of blood, skin and maybe a bone. It's basically mucus. I don't even know if it has a heartbeat yet." I try to explain. I know it's true that's what it probably is, but I don't want to get attached to it. I know it's very unlikely to live through the stress I'm going to endure going into the Games, let alone if I do manage to come out again, without Peeta beside me.

Peeta's arms unravel from my small body, his breath changing into deep disappointing breaths. He pushes himself off the bed, starting to pace around the room. He's huffing. I know I can be blunt, which I just was. I think possibly it may have been too much for Peeta the night before we both go to die in Games. I push myself up against the green satin pillows, watching Peeta have an internal battle on whether to scold me now or just keep his mouth shut. His hands run through his hair and frustratedly drags them down his face, his curls bouncing back to their place on his forehead.

"I don't care if it's just the tiny swimmer it once was. It's still our baby, Katniss… And it's alive!" Peeta yells at me, scolding is what option he went with which seems the fairest considering my previous comment.

"I will do anything for you and this baby, Katniss. I don't care if it's so tiny we can't see it. It still means more to me that we created life than anything else I could possibly do in this world." Peeta confesses his tone now softer than it was just a moment ago, stopping his pacing and searching my eyes for any connection to the truth of what he just said.

"How are we supposed to survive tomorrow, let alone the next few days if we get there? How do you know that the stress of just being in the Games won't kill—"

"Don't you even finish that sentence!" Peeta growls, pointing a finger to me.

I don't think I've seen him this angry. I feel bad that I have to put him through this mental game as well as living through the Games themselves.

"I'm being realistic, Peeta. I wish it would be like you want, but it's just not going to be. Snow will never let me live through this, he will kill me himself if he has too."

I fidget with my fingers, picking off the leftover nail polish from the interviews earlier, I flick it over the edge of the bed.

Peeta paces towards me, stopping right next to where I sit on the edge of the bed, standing tall above me. His silhouette covering me from any of the outside lights illuminating me. He pulls his hands out towards me, offering me to take them. I can't read his face, but I take his hands with both of mine anyways. Using my hands, he lifts me up suddenly which shocks me, erupting a squeak from me. I know I can't be shocked from his strength but I forget about it most of the time, I don't think about Peeta as strong, he's more than just muscles in my eyes. My legs automatically wrap around his hips, my ass barely not hanging out from the bottom of the nightgown hem. His hands have now detached from mine and his hands are settled on each of my butt cheeks. It's been a long time since he last did this, I feel my entire body flush red. His eyes look into mine, those blue hues still visible in the dark of the room.

"Just let me take care of you. You and her."

Peeta's lips come down to the crook of my neck and he presses a tender kiss onto the goose-bumped skin from his hot breath. I can't contain my moan that escapes from my lips and my hips that grind into his. His breath hitches from the friction I cause on the front of his pants, something growing between us.

"I'll look after you now…" He trails his lips across my neck and down to my collar bone, my head rolling back with pleasure.

"…and I'll look after you in there, I promise."

I want to protest, but I can't. Urges I didn't realise were heightened were now running my mind, heart and body. I pull his head up from my chest and press our lips together in a rushed sloppy kiss. I elicit a groan from Peeta as he kisses me back with the same passion. I feel my whole body becoming hot with emotions which Peeta is helping emit from me, ones that have been silenced since that night all those months ago.

"Lock the door." I breath between lip locks, my arms wrapped around his shoulders, just linking my fingertips around those massive muscles.

He walks us to the direction of the door, our kissing not causing a hesitation from him. He presses me against the door leading to the hallway of all the other rooms in the penthouse. One of his hands slips from my ass and I hear the lock engage, before placing it at its warm position again, squeezing ever so slightly. I throw my head back, not realising and it makes a loud bang echo through the hallway which covers my moan from anyone else hearing it.

"You okay?" Peeta asks, pulling our lips away just for a moment.

"I'm fine. Just keep going." I urge, pushing my lips back with such force my back leaves the door as Peeta regains his balance a few steps later.

Peeta sets us down on the bed, my legs straddling his thighs on the satin bedsheets. I rock against him, us creating clothes friction between us as we rhythmically rock together, hot humid breath mingling together. I feel Peeta's hands try and find the hem on my nightgown and it makes me break away. I am instantly self-conscious of him seeing my new body taking shape, I clam up and stop what I was doing.

"Peeta…" I breathe.

"You're so beautiful, I want to see all of you." He tells me, staring straight into my soul through my eyes.

"I don't look the same as I did…" I warn, crossing my arms across my growing breasts.

Peeta's eyes still staring into mine is filling me with so many emotions, I know it's mainly my hormones taking over. I want it so bad, but I look so different, he won't like it…

"You're carrying our baby, nothing makes you more beautiful than that, Katniss. I love you, Katniss. I do, no matter how you look, no matter what you do, I always have and I always will. You should know that by now." His soft and calloused hands come up to my cheeks, cupping my small head into his two large hands. I find myself becoming lost into his eyes, I know Peeta doesn't care what I look like, but I've never imagined myself pretty, let alone beautiful. For Peeta to think of me as beautiful before, how will he feel after this?

I can't disappear from his gaze; those eyes are deeply staring into mine with love and lust meshed into one look. The boy with the bread, the girl on fire… How much it wouldn't make sense to work, but somehow, we have found each other. In this terrible world we have found comfort in each other's arms, in each other's company, with each other in general. I won't go as far as to say I love Peeta, I don't think I will ever be able to announce that. The last person I loved was my father, I don't think I've said 'I love you' to anyone since his accident. I don't throw those three words around easily, but Peeta makes me feel a way which I have never imagined before. He is safety, he is protection, he will forever be here to protect me, even if I feel I don't need protecting. Peeta was doing it even without me knowing it, like when he tossed me that bread. Peeta has always looked out for me and he isn't going to stop just become my stubborn self won't allow for his help. I need to just learn to accept it…

Accepting in my mind that Peeta won't hurt me and won't change how he feels, I subtly nod my head yes. His lips press a kiss to the middle of my forehead as his hands leave my cheeks, running down my body. His fingertips leave a tingly sensation all the way down my spine, filling my head with desire and a cloud of heaven crowds my vision. All I can see is Peeta, he is lit from the colours outside, his shadow encasing me. His hands gently grab my nightgown, his eyes asking for permission for a final time which I agree with another nod. He pulls it up and over my head, the cool breeze filling the room rushes over my now naked body, only thing I wear is small panties. I keep my eyes trained on Peeta's waiting to see what kind of reaction he will have from my new body forming. His eyes drift down, gathering in all of my body. I first think he's stopped at my breasts, seeing how much bigger they are, but I become confused. In the dim light, I see his eyes growing wet.

He hates it… I am ugly… I knew it.

Overcome with now worry over my body being for show, I move my arms to cross them around my body to hide it from his gaze. His hands capture mine mid movement, intertwining those strong fingers with mine dropping our hands into our lap.

"You're showing." He breathes into the still air.

First, I'm confused. Of course I'm showing, he just undressed me. I'm naked on his lap… My eyes narrow confused. His eyes are soft, admiration in his eyes. I have no idea why. Then, his hand comes to touch my belly.

Oh… that showing.

My head bows down and I look at what his eyes are also staring at. My belly. The one that encases his child, my child, our child.

"You've already grown from the other day, Katniss…" He means from when I first told him of our baby on the train here. I didn't think I was showing so much already…

I do notice a bump around my belly button, bigger than I've noticed before. My belly hasn't been this big before, I could just look like I've eaten a massive meal, but instead, it's a baby.

It's a baby…

Suddenly emotions rush over me and I feel my cheeks becoming wet, my mouth letting a gasp escape. I push myself off from Peeta, scrambling not very gracefully off the bed and towards the mirror on the other side of the room. In the dim of the room, I turn towards the windows to light up my exposed skin. He's right. I have got more of a bump today than I ever have. Surely the Capitol could have seen the small of this bump in some of the costumes Cinna has put me into the last few days. There's obviously a little bump there which has never been there, I've never had even a proper full belly before, so this is hard to witness on my body. It looks like I've eaten an entire wild turkey for myself and it's just sitting beneath my skin. I can't believe my prep team never mentioned the swell which is so obvious there now, even Cinna. Maybe they didn't want to get into my business because the Capitol is already exploiting me for all I am for these Games, I'm never going to be able to have a secret to myself ever again. Even with Peeta telling the entire of Panem about our baby which is now showing on my body.

Looking in the mirror, I try and get used to seeing my body look so different than I've ever seen it. It's like after the first Games when I saw myself for the first time in two weeks and saw the broken wild girl staring back at me, a Victor. Now, a Victor going back into the Games with the man who impregnated her months ago, both of us with a task of getting the other one out of the Games for a better life. A better life for the other even if it means dying for that to happen. With my naked body highlighted in the mirror, I let my shaky hands come to rest on the small bump for one of the few times I've allowed myself this small gesture. I don't want to get attached, I know I can't because of what will happen within the next few days, but has hard as it is to not let myself do it, I know Peeta already loves this little thing inside me more than himself, maybe even me.

I watch my hands solid as stone hold my belly on each side, my belly button poking out between my fingers. It is so strange seeing this; I can't picture it getting bigger than this and it won't either. This will be the biggest Peeta will ever see my belly, out child growing inside me. Peeta coming and standing behind me startles me and I drop my hands, looking down and feeling ashamed. I don't know exactly why, because for one single moment I was vulnerable? Probably. I take a step to the side to make my way from the mirror and Peeta when his hand grabs onto my upper arm stopping me. My head tips up to look to his face, the desire which was in his eyes a few minutes ago has now adapted to a caring softness. His hand slides down my arm and entangles his fingers with mine. I feel the heat of his body as he encases the behind of my body with his, flush against my skin. I close my eyes and let myself relish in this moment, even as I am bare as the day I came into this world, I could not be more comfortable than I am now with Peeta looking over me now and forever. I let my head fall back against his chest as I can hear his heart beating softly. Peeta's nose and lips come into contact with the top of my head and breathe in, letting the strong smell of the Capitol's conditioners fill his nose.

His empty hand also runs down my arm, clasping his fingers in mine mirroring his other hand. It's only now that I open my eyes in realisation as I feel his hands and mine holding onto my belly. His large hands cover mine completely and his fingers release from the locked embrace they have on mine and splay across my belly, no skin untouched by his hands and mine. This is a very intimate moment for us, I would never let another person touch me like this. Only Peeta can. I start to breathe rapidly, feeling my own heart hammering inside my chest. I'm feeling overwhelmed, Peeta cares for this growth inside my belly and I cannot let myself do it. I can't let myself start feeling anything for it, it will change everything that I've set my mind to when it comes to going into the Arena tomorrow morning. I'm going in and I'm not coming back out, that's it. End of discussion. Peeta is coming back out but not me. I cannot let myself feel anything for this baby because then I might start questioning everything. Peeta comes out, not me. He can make another baby, there will always be another around the corner.

"Katniss, no." Peeta interrupts my racing mind and tightens his grip on me.

"Peeta, I can't." I cry out, starting to choke on a sob. "I can't do this."

"Katniss, you're getting out of the Arena and raising our baby. Please, it's all I ask, my last wish. I gave you a piece of me, raise our baby please."

Peeta's voice is pleading, his last wish to me. All he wants is me to get out of the Arena and raise his offspring, raise his baby, our baby. I don't know if I could. I don't know if I can care for a child of man who gave his life for my own, to save us. I care about Peeta and don't want that to happen, he means too much to me to let that happen.

"Please, Katniss. Please." Peeta whispers into my ear.

I press my lips together tight, trying to stop myself from crying yet again. I bite the inside of my lip until I can taste warm metallic blood and release.

I can't use my words anymore. I can't speak any longer. No matter what I say, it will just be us going back and forth all night. And that's not how I want to spend our last night together. Baring a heavy breath, I turn in his arms and then bring my hands up to his curls and bring his head down to mine hard. Our lips crash together, wet and warm, both knowing whatever we promise to each other is a lie.

We have one last night together, that's it. We don't speak, we can't spare any more time for words. Our lips don't break as Peeta lifts me back up and walks us to the bed, gently placing us in the middle of the bed. His kisses are soft and deliberate, knowing even if this room has cameras and listening devices, this is our last shot together. Peeta and I make love the whole night, like we did that first night, but knowing tomorrow one of us is going to die and the other will be heartbroken for the rest of their lives.

-End of Flashback-

I stay in the hospital for a few days, but today Willow and I have been cleared to go back to our compartment and enjoy some quality newborn life as our new family. Peeta has been gathering all of our belongings and taking trips up to make sure the compartment is perfect for his family to come back too. He doesn't let me do anything more than what I need too. I feed our daughter, eat myself, hold our sleeping daughter and then catch some much-needed shut eye while I can. Peeta has been incredible by burping her, changing her, making sure she's bathed and perfect as she can be. Peeta the perfect father that a child could ask for, it's the most beautiful thing to watch.

Early afternoon we are all ready to leave the hospital and Peeta in with a little carrier to take Willow in. I said that was overkill but he insisted just encase anything happened when we were taking the few floors down and few hallways to our compartment. Peeta makes sure Willow is securely fastened in the carrier and murmurs to her and manages to get her to sleep. Peeta dressed Willow in a small onesie which was Posy's, light pink with polka dots all over, a small beanie which Hazelle knitted for our baby a few months ago and matching mittens. I'm wearing a baggy button-down shirt of Peeta's, leggings and some comfy slip-on shoes the hospital gave me, we are ready to go. I take another look around the room to see if Peeta has missed anything before I take his hand and we walk towards our first home as a family.

"Just take it slow, Katniss. Remember what the nurse said, it's going to take a few weeks to get better." Peeta reminds me, walking slowly beside me.

"Yes, I remember. I'll be okay if you wanna walk ahead." It's sore to walk, I did just push out a baby and everything is a mess down there. Every step hurts but I insisted I didn't need to be taken to my room. I need to get moving myself to get better. Peeta is already going to be overbearing enough, so I just do what little I know I can do at this stage.

"No, I'm staying right here." He lifts our linked hands and presses a kiss to the back of my hand.

It makes me smile. Citizens of Thirteen watch us as we walk from the hospital to the elevator and I know that they haven't seen a baby as young as this here for a very long time. The pox epidemic caused fertility issues to the citizens here in Thirteen as Prim told me a few months back. So that is why we have been getting the best treatment we can, not just because I am the Mockingjay, because we are the first with a baby to be born here in years. They know how important it was for us to keep her safe and alive, because most people here have suffered the loss of a loved one, a child or even the idea of ever having one of their own. I don't mind the staring, I've gotten used to it. It will be something our little Willow will have to get used to for the rest of her life. She will always be in the spotlight as being the child of two Victors and of two massive parts of the rebellion. And then hopefully the revolution.

We get into the elevator and head down, another woman with dark straight hair and dark eyes travels down with us and is staring at Willow in her carrier.

"Congratulations Mockingjay." She says with a small voice.

"Thank you." I say, giving a small smile.

"This is the first baby I've seen in a decade, I'm sorry for staring." She apologises.

I can't imagine how strange this must be for the people of Thirteen.

"If you want, you can hold her hand? It's the most precious thing." Peeta offers to her. I don't object, I just nod in agreement as the woman looks tentatively in Willow's carrier.

I can imagine this may be a normal for us now. But, I don't mind. As long as she is safe, and I know Peeta will do anything to make sure she is safe from harm, I don't see an issue with letting some childless District people look at our baby.

"Can I?" She asks tentatively.

"Of course." Peeta confirms.

Peeta lifts the carrier, I take off her little mitten so the woman can hold our child's hand and she brings her bony hand to Willow's and takes her small fist and holds it softly. She giggles and Willow's fingers indistinctively opens and curls around her pointer finger.

"She's adorable. Thank you very much."

The elevator dings and she looks up to see the level that must be hers and pries her finger from Willow's and steps away.

"Thank you for letting me do that. The last baby I got to touch was my own, and he isn't here anymore."

My heart drops for her. I can't imagine not having Willow with us, even if she's been breathing on this earth for four days, she's changed everything I've ever known. I don't ever want to think of a world without my baby girl living in.

"I'm so sorry for your loss." I say without thinking.

She nods her head and steps off from the elevator.

"Don't be, it's been years now. And everyone had loss with the epidemic. You just live with it." I look into her dark eyes and see the hurt I am so familiar with. It looks like the loss in Thresh's grandmother's eyes on the Victory Tour all those months ago. She goes to walk away and I step off the elevator towards her.

"Wait." I call, waddling towards her.

She stops and turns and I bring her into a hug. Something I never imagined to do, I would have never done this before. Maybe it's the leftover pregnancy hormones which got to me that makes me hug onto her tightly and feel so deeply towards her loss. I just can't imagine the pain and hurt she must feel on a daily basis. Yes, I know pain and loss from all the lives that were taken in the Games; Rue, Mags, Wiress. I feel those deaths every night in my nightmares. But the thought of losing a child, something I don't ever want to imagine or ever want to feel.

"I'm so sorry." I breathe. "I can't ever imagine what that feels like."

She's somewhat startled by the interaction, but I couldn't stop myself.

"If you ever want to hold her or anything, come and see us. It wouldn't be an inconvenience. I promise." I tell her.

Her grip tightens and she breathes out ragged.

"Thank you." She murmurs into my shoulder.

"I'm Amadla."

"Katniss."

Stupid of me to even say since she said Mockingjay before and would know who I am since I'm basically a celebrity down here, but for one of the first times, I'm being polite.

I pull back from Amadla and smile at her. She nods and waves me goodbye, walking away.

Turning on my heels, I walk back and step into the elevator which Peeta was keeping open for me and it starts going further down yet again.

"That was lovely of you, Katniss." Peeta comments in the still air around us.

"I couldn't help it." I can't say anything else. Peeta knows what I mean to add. He always knows, even if I don't say anything. Peeta always knows.

We are at our level and exit and take off walking to our compartment. I open the door and see that Peeta has cleaned and set it all up to make it the easiest for us to look after Willow. Next to our bed is Willow's crib, a changing station next to it and her clothes set out in rows in the inbuilt shelves beside the crib for easy access. There's a bassinet by the table so she can rest while we sit and talk or whatever we plan to do. Little things like having her pacifiers on each of our bedside tables and cloths for any messes she makes is just the cutest addition Peeta could have done to make this most accessible for us.

"Peeta, what did you do?"

I turn around to see him securing Willow on the table and undoing her from her carrier.

"When you slept last night, I came up here and made sure it was all ready for her. Just so it's easier for us to just enjoy her instead of thinking about how to place everything." He pulls up our sleeping girl from the carrier and shushes her to keep her sleeping as he rocks her against his chest. She looks so tiny in his arms and compared to his large figure. I'm so happy I got my boy with the bread as the father of my child. He's done all this instead of getting the much-needed rest he will need to look after a newborn. I just know that he will be insisting to get up and look after Willow during the nights so I don't have to get up and disrupt my sleep. I do need to be sure to look out for the sleep he does or doesn't get though. I don't want him to get overwhelmed and accidentally turn into Mutt Peeta from lack of sleep. That's something Haymitch told me that second night I was in the hospital when Peeta was sleeping. And I made sure to remember that. The last thing I want is for our child to see Peeta turn into a Mutt version of himself.

"Peeta… you're gonna wear yourself out. This is incredible. But I don't want you to burn out." I walk to him and place a loving hand onto our daughter's small back and look up into Peeta's eyes which are trained on our sleeping daughter.

"I just wanted it to be perfect for you. I'm fine. I slept during the day remember?"

Vaguely I do remember him having a nap during the day while I watched Willow sleep in my arms after feeding her.

"Yeah, but she is going to be a lot of work without the nurses to come and help us. We're gonna be exhausted. My mother told me to be careful of the newborn stage exhaustion."

Willow fusses in her sleep, eyebrows creasing like she is going to wake up but then she nuzzles herself into Peeta's chest and soundly sleeps again.

"Your mother told me the same thing. I figured this was a good use of my time. Can we please just lay in bed and watch our daughter and look at her little fingers and toes?"

I smile, knowing it was such a nice thing for Peeta to do that whatever I say isn't going to matter in the end.

Author's Note:

I'm sorry it's been a few weeks! I promise I didn't do this on purpose. Life outside of writing as given me no time to sit and edit chapters or even write so please forgive me. I am trying to get the chapters done ahead of what is actually updated so I can have something to post if time does get away from me like it has this time. I'm currently still on Chapter 20 and I came across the perfect opportunity to add something I wasn't expecting myself to do. So, that's something to look forward too.

If I get more time in the next few days, I'll update another chapter, but please be patient. I have no idea how I want to end this story yet, some ideas are flowing, but I'm waiting for the big final scene to come to me.

In other news- We are getting Haymitch's book AND movie! I'm so excited. It has definitely helped me make time to sit back down to my laptop to get to writing! We are finally getting the story we have always wanted. And my views have skyrocketted in the past few days since it was announced and that makes me want to get back into it even more. I promise I won't leave the book unfinished, I would hate to do that to you. Just bare with me and I promise I will do my best to provide you with a well rounded ending for this fanfiction.

And please forgive the small chapter, a small chapter now means a better jam packed chapter in the future...

All my love, everlark4ever75 xx