A/N: Thank you for reading & reviewing. Your feedback is much appreciated.
Trigger warning: This chapter includes discussion between a counsellor and client re: consent.
For this first time in days, Tasha felt at ease on her shift. She no longer felt the need to avoid Lieutenant Commander Data on the Bridge. The Enterprise had remained in orbit above Styris IV to oversee the deployment of the vaccine. Thus far, they had managed to vaccinate approximately 40% of the colony.
Captain Picard ordered the transport of supplies to the infected colonies in an attempt to bring a stop to the violence on the surface.
Luckily, it worked.
Most importantly, their uprising had brought attention to some long-standing issues of inequality between the colonies on Styris IV. There were plans for Captain Picard to host a summit between leaders from nine of the colonies in a few days.
The Federation would oversee drafting of a new agreement for peace and mutual prosperity. As Chief Security Officer, Tasha had her work cut out for her. She would be working closely with the general Operations team to oversee security and quartering for their guests. In addition, Tasha would be hosting her own security briefing between the representatives of the nine delegations so they would be prepared.
But that was 'just another day' aboard the Enterprise.
As the Beta shift came aboard the Bridge to replace them, Tasha found that she was looking forward to her appointment with Counsellor Troi. She had a lot on her mind and speaking with Deanna would be a good start to sorting it all out.
Tasha stepped onto the turbolift with Commander Riker.
"I suppose we have you to thank for all of this," Riker said with a smile. "Nicely done, Lieutenant."
"Thank you, Commander," she replied.
Tasha hopped off the turbolift on Deck 9 for her weekly session with Counsellor Troi. As soon as Tasha hit the chime, Troi called out for Tasha to come in.
Tasha took a seat on Deanna's couch and Deanna offered her a cuppa.
"Thanks," Tasha said as she took the beaker.
"You're in a good mood," Deanna said as she sat down in the chair across from Tasha.
Tasha nodded as she took a sip of tea.
"What's brought this change on?"
Their last session had been informal and shortly after Ligon II.
In fact, it had been right after Data had stopped in to check on Tasha. At the time, Tasha was feeling frustrated and exhausted. The emotional toll of having to actually kill Yareena had been the hardest part. Although Doctor Crusher had been able to revive Yareena, it had stuck with Tasha in a way she wasn't ready to discuss with anyone.
The first night, Deanna and Tasha had spent their informal session helping Tasha cope with her captivity—even though Deanna could sense there was more. Deanna reminded Tasha that her efforts to secure that vaccine would save millions of people and that in the end, Yareena was better off for it.
That brought Tasha some peace. Yet, at the same time Tasha still felt like a little part of herself had died along with Yareena.
Yareena had come back—the little piece of Tasha's soul had not.
"Tasha, are you alright?" Deanna prompted.
Tasha snapped out of her thoughts and back to the session at hand.
"Yes, I'm fine," she said. "I'm sorry, what was your question?"
"I wanted to know what brought on this change. You seem much more relaxed than you were a few days ago," Deanna observed.
Tasha bit the inside of her lip. She didn't know why she was suddenly shy about it.
"Well, you remember what happened during the polywater incident?" Tasha prefaced.
Deanna nodded. Tasha had told her she had kissed a science officer on Deck 2, pinched Lieutenant Lam on the turbolift, and made an utter fool of herself at the ship's stores when she asked Ensign Graham if he liked the blue or red outfit better. Poor Graham had blushed furiously as Tasha modelled two separate lingerie pieces.
Tasha had also disclosed to Deanna that she'd had a sexual encounter with a fellow crewmate during the polywater incident. But Tasha had notably left out the specifics of who was involved.
Deanna didn't press for details. It wasn't important. Deanna understood that if Tasha was inclined to share it, she could. That level of disclosure wasn't necessary or expected.
But Deanna was aware that Tasha felt unnecessary, lingering guilt over the encounter and had been actively avoided the other officer since.
"So, I finally spoke with him," Tasha said, exhaling heavily.
"And?" Deanna said as she waved her hand indicating Tasha should continue.
"We talked for a long time. I learned a lot," Tasha explained. "The incident… impacted him in a way I didn't think it could. He experienced a lot of guilt. He also shared he's been really worried about me since it happened."
"And how do you feel about that, Tasha?" Deanna asked.
"I feel just awful. He's been trying to check up on me for some time and I've been short and snarky with him," Tasha said, owning her behaviour for the last few weeks. "Deanna, I was a nightmare toward him."
There was a pause as Deanna let Tasha collect her thoughts before continuing.
"He wanted to give me some bath salts because he noticed I have been tired and anxious," she explained. "He was concerned that all the events recently have taken a toll on me, and he wanted to make sure I had someone to confide in."
Tasha leaned forward and dropped her voice.
"He wanted to know that I felt safe."
Tasha was both very touched by Data's care and overwhelmed by the experience. She told Deanna about his desire to respect her personal space and his concerns that he was causing her frustration.
"He offered to resign or transfer. He was willing to accept any consequences that I wanted," Tasha shared, stunned.
Tasha sat back and folded her legs on the sofa like a pretzel as she glanced down at her tea.
"I don't know what to think. It's all so much," Tasha said.
"Your feelings are valid. You're a very independent person and having someone step into your life that seems quite understanding, so attuned to that would be overwhelming," Deanna explained.
"Yeah," Tasha nodded slowly. She hadn't thought about it like that.
Tasha escaped Turkana IV at fifteen. She had survived abuse and neglect at the hands of the Federation's child-placement programme—escaping once more to be on her own.
Following her escape, Tasha had been one of the youngest students at Starfleet Academy. Tasha had poured herself into her coursework. She had always felt that she had something to prove.
Tasha retained no contact with her only surviving family member, a younger sister who had made her own choice to stay on Turkana IV.
While she certainly had friends, she had almost always been on her own—and when she wasn't, it always ended in pain.
At twenty-seven, Tasha Yar was already too world-weary for her youth. It had taken years of therapy for Tasha to get a place where she felt safe, comfortable, and healthy.
Tasha was finally comfortable in her own skin. She could find pleasure in healthy and consensual (albeit brief) sexual relationships. She had established meaningful friendships amongst the crew.
In essence, Tasha Yar had learned to cope, to present herself outwardly as a confident, functioning, non-traumatised officer.
The rest of the team knew that Tasha had grown up on Turkana IV and survived the horrors of that planet. But none of them, including Deanna, really knew.
They had no inkling that Tasha had been conditioned to forget her own personhood. They couldn't begin to imagine what conditions Tasha had endured. Growing up in the Federation, they had never experienced famine or a war that wasn't fought in the skies above.
Or what hunger and fear could drive a person to.
Captain Picard knew skint details about Tasha's time in Starfleet Covert Operations. And Jean-Luc knew that great swaths of Tasha Yar's personnel records were almost entirely redacted for that stint of her Starfleet career.
But none of them knew about the night terrors. They couldn't understand why Tasha had to stash food from her meals or always needed to have her back to the wall.
The didn't know what it felt like to be truly dehumanised, to be nothing more than property.
Except Data.
"He just… gets me in a way I don't think the anyone else can," Tasha shared.
"It sounds like he's a man that's very in tune with his emotions," Deanna said with a kind smile.
A strange smirk spread across Tasha's face as if there was something she wanted to tell Deanna but was not ready to say aloud yet.
"I think there's a lot more to him than meets the eye," Tasha replied with a knowing look.
"If I may ask, one of the things that bothered you about the encounter was you felt that you had taken advantage of him in some way. Did you address this with him?" Deanna inquired.
"Yes," Tasha said as she set her tea down on Deanna's coffee table. "Deanna, what I'm about to say I would ask that you keep between us."
Deanna waved her hand.
"Everything that is said her is confidential, Tasha," Deanna assured her.
"Part of why I felt that way was I inaccurately assumed he had little experience in the matter," Tasha explained. "Turns out I was wrong about that."
"You did say you felt that he was surprisingly intuitive about your needs," Deanna reminded her.
Yes, he most certainly had been. Tasha thought to herself.
Tasha went on to explain to Deanna his questions about her attraction to Lutan.
"When I explained to him that I wasn't attracted to Lutan but to the idea of being desirable, he told me that he accepted my advances because he enjoys the sound of my laugh, finds me intriguing, and that he finds me physically attractive," Tasha said nervously.
"Oh? So, there was some attraction outside of the polywater?" Deanna asked. "Was that attraction both ways or only on his part?"
Tasha hesitated. Prior to the polywater incident, Tasha had suppressed any feelings for Data.
She had thought, mistakenly, that he was like a child. His inquiries about jokes and phrases, his technical wording, and his awkwardness made him seem so youthful and naïve. Yet at the same time, he was a highly decorated Starfleet officer, a considerate and patient friend, and emotionally mature in ways that were hard to describe.
Everything since the polywater incident had left Tasha reeling with confusion.
"I sense you are feeling conflicted," Deanna said.
Tasha agreed.
"I feel like I had never considered him in that way, but I find I'm questioning why I didn't before," Tasha described. "He said he had an attraction beforehand. In fact, he shared that he was not affected by the polywater until after our encounter began."
Deanna raised her eyebrows.
"Eleven minutes to be precise," Tasha added.
Deanna didn't want to bring down the mood, but she also did not want Tasha to read into something that was unlikely.
"How could he even know that?" Deanna pressed. "I just mean that, I would theorise that he was exposed at some point and lost track of the time. No one could know precisely when—"
"He could," Tasha interjected.
Tasha didn't budge in her resolve.
"I looked up the report from Doctor Crusher. The average time between exposure and intoxication was eight to ten minutes. He wasn't exposed until after I touched his hand," Tasha said.
Deanna mulled over Tasha's statement.
"He accepted the invitation because he wanted to," Tasha explained. "And he felt so guilty about it he tried to resign."
"Tasha, this is very important," Deanna said slowly. "Did he know you were under the influence of the polywater?"
Tasha shifted in her seat. She could sense where Deanna was going with her question.
"I want to make very clear that what happened was consensual," Tasha stated.
"Tasha, if you were under the influence of the polywater intoxication then you would not—"
"Look, this is just theory from Doctor Crusher, but her research from the incident suggests that the polywater is different than intoxication. It lowers inhibitions but it doesn't remove the capacity for rational thought," Tasha said. "Plenty of people were temptedbut chose not to act on those feelings."
Deanna had read through Doctor Crusher's theory on the polywater intoxication. But she was concerned given Tasha's past.
"Tasha, sometimes people will try to rationalise sexual assault by convincing themselves that they consented," Deanna said.
Tasha shook her head.
"I know, Deanna. And you know that I know that. But that's not what happened," Tasha insisted.
Deanna's concern only grew. She could sense Tasha was on the defensive.
"Troi, he asked me for consent at every step. 'May I kiss you?' and 'do you wish to continue?'" Tasha trailed off. She turned her head to the side to break eye contact and Deanna could sense she was feeling embarrassed.
"Tasha, even if he had feelings for you before the incident, he should not have allowed his feelings to overcome—"
"That's not what happened," Tasha said firmly.
"But you can't know that," Deanna countered.
"Yes. I can. It's not possible for him to—" Tasha stopped suddenly as if she had caught herself before saying something she shouldn't.
Deanna waited for Tasha to proceed at her own comfort.
"I need you to trust me that he wouldn't do that," Tasha said.
"Answer me this, would he have stopped if you had said no?" Deanna asked seriously.
"Yes."
Tasha answered without hesitation.
"In fact, he did stop at one point because I asked him to. And he waited for me to initiate before continuing."
Deanna's dark eyebrows shot upward in shock.
Every word of what Tasha had said was true.
"Data stop for a minute," Tasha said.
He stopped immediately, moved away, and sat back onto his knees.
"Are you alright?" he asked cautiously.
He scanned her body, his yellow eyes full of concern as he noted Tasha's heartrate and temperature.
"Yes," Tasha nodded. "It's just very warm."
Data nodded in agreement.
"I have noticed a marked increase in your body temperature," he replied. "Can I get you anything?"
Tasha shook her head and wiped the sweat from her brow. The air was suffocating, and she needed a moment of reprieve. Only, Tasha couldn't concentrate.
"May I offer a suggestion?" Data asked as he cocked his head to the side.
Tasha nodded, desperate for a solution.
"Computer, lower ambient temperature by five degrees."
The computer beeped as it acknowledged the request and Tasha felt cooler air begin to circulate into the room.
Resting her head back against the headboard, she closed her eyes to soak it in.
"Perhaps we should get you to Sickbay?" recommended Data.
Tasha shook her head. She could sense she was being watched. She cracked open one eye and saw Data was sitting motionless, staring at her.
"What?" she asked with a small smile.
Data leaned forward and tucked an errant strand of hair behind Tasha's ear. He paused to trace his thumb across her flushed cheek.
"I am thinking that your tousled hair is very becoming," he said softly.
Tasha grinned wider. She blushed and bit her cheek.
"But I am also thinking it may be best to get you to Sickbay and we can continue this activity at another time," Data said seriously.
Data swung his legs around and his feet made contact with the carpet. Before he could stand up, Tasha sprung. She reached out and wrapped her arms around his chest. Resting her chin on his shoulder she placed a kiss against the side of his neck.
"I don't want to take a rain check," she whispered against his ear.
Data quickly searched through his memory bank to determine the meaning of 'rain check.'
He took a hold of Tasha's hand and turned to face her.
"Are you certain you wish to continue?" he asked in earnest.
"Yes," Tasha replied firmly, beaming as she pulled him back onto the bed.
Tasha was snapped from her thoughts as Deanna called her name for a second time.
"We don't have much time left before my next session," Deanna said apologetically.
"Of course," Tasha acknowledged, prepared to wrap up their session.
"Before you go, what's your next step?"
Tasha froze. She hadn't discussed that with Data.
"I sense you are feeling scared," Deanna observed.
"I am," Tasha admitted.
Her heart sank. She felt gutted.
"I just realised that I can't have what I want."
Tasha had left Deanna's quarters feeling a hurt she couldn't explain. In the pit of her stomach, she felt like her moment of joy had been snatched away. Deanna had inquired as to why Tasha insisted that she felt she couldn't have what she wanted.
But Tasha had just shook her head vaguely. She could not explain it to Deanna. It would lead to too many questions.
Angrily, Tasha stepped onto the turbolift. She crossed her arms in a huff and fell back against the wall as it travelled between floors.
The familiar noise of a Klingon clearing his throat came from behind her.
Tasha turned around and apologised.
"I'm sorry, Worf," she said meekly.
"Is everything alright?" he asked.
"Just got a lot on my mind," Tasha replied.
Worf nodded and did not press the issue. Worf and Tasha had a good understanding. They were both, in a sense, orphans and highly private, independent people. They had found a mutual bond during their time on the Enterprise. They enjoyed challenging each other with holodeck adventures like rock climbing, martial arts, and high-impact workouts. Tasha had taught Worf how to spelunk and box. In turn, he'd introduced her to downhill skiing and ice skating.
"After we have concluded our business on Styris IV, I will be engaging in a new holodeck program," Worf said. "It's called Psicobloc. It is a solo rock climb above a body of water. It will be a most difficult climb. Although it is typically a solo activity, you would be welcome to join me."
Tasha beamed.
"You're on!" she said, offering a competitive jab to the arm as she stepped off the turbolift.
Worf flashed her a rare Klingon smile in response.
Tasha wasted no time in heading to her quarters. Data had planned to drop by later. She changed out of her uniform and into her workout clothes. Tasha needed to burn off some of her energy and grief before then.
"Computer, play music Tasha's Workout 2," she said as she pulled her foot back to stretch her left quad.
Two hours later Tasha had completed her workout, showered, and had a quick meal for dinner. She was sitting on her sofa with her PADD as she input the instructions for the security plan for the Axtarre colony on Styris IV. It was one of the colonies that would be participating in the forum on the Enterprise.
The door chime sounded, and Tasha called for them to enter.
Data stepped into her quarters but moved no further than a foot inside. Tasha took in his appearance as he stood there stoically. Standard duty uniforms were well-fitted, and Tasha couldn't deny that Data wore it well.
"Hello," Data said.
"Hi," Tasha said as she motioned for Data to take a seat.
Instead of sitting next to her on the couch, he chose to sit in the chair on the opposite side of the room. Unlike most of the other officers' quarters, Tasha only had the chair in the far corner and her sofa. She liked to keep the main space of her quarters open so that she had ample room to workout.
It meant they were nearly six metres apart.
"How are you doing?" Data inquired.
"You're going to sit all the way over there?" Tasha asked as she cocked an eyebrow at him.
Data cocked his head to the side. He scanned the room for a moment before he got the hint. Standing up, he took three long strides and sat down on the opposite side of the sofa.
Tasha set the PADD on the ledge of her window and turned back, allowing herself a moment to soak him in. Data was sitting upright, his android body maintaining perfect posture. His hand rested atop his thighs.
Data had beautiful hands.
Tasha had always anticipated that his hands would be cold, like a machine—but she could not have been more wrong.
Tasha chewed on the inside of her lip as she thought back to when his hand had gently tucked an errant strand of hair behind her ear. His hands had been pleasantly warm when they'd stroked her cheek and ghosted softly down her spine.
They were soft and skilled as Data had gripped her backside and caressed her thighs…
Get a grip, Yar.
Tasha calmed herself and folded her hands in her lap.
"Tasha?" Data prompted.
"I'll be honest, I'm not great," she answered.
Data's dark brow furrowed. A look of concern flashed across his face.
Tasha turned her gaze downward as she wrung her hands.
"The more I think about you, the more I realise I want something I can't have," she confessed.
"Ah," Data replied softly. "You are referring to Regulation 1138 regarding fraternisation in the chain of command."
Tasha glanced up at Data and left her answer unspoken.
Although he knew he could not feel emotion, Data would describe the thought as 'bittersweet.'
Data reached out, took hold of Tasha's hand, and pulled it into his lap. He gently covered her hand with his own. It was an act of intimacy, but not sexual in nature. And it spoke to the great affection Data held for what they shared.
"Then I am glad I did not destroy my memory engrams," Data said in a voice that was barely above a whisper. "Because I will treasure them."