The Fate franchise is the creation and intellectual property of Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon.

Tales as Old as Time.

My name is Celenike Icecolle Yggdimillenia. I was asked to write a few lines for the profile of my ex. My Ex-Servant, that is.

So you know who I am, and if you don't shame on you, and you should know that I'm not going to mince words. I'm not Fiore. And I'm not the author, so for the love of God, don't start sending him flaming reviews on how he hates Astolfo, your waifu! Read carefully before flaming away!

I am defending that guy. Yeesh.

Rider.

True Name: Astolfo of Mercia.

Other Names and Aliases: That girly boy in Ankoman's doujins.

Alternate Classes: Saber.

Alignment: Chaotic Good.

Attribute: Earth.

Gender: Male.

Deal with it. He isn't your waifu, and he isn't a vehicle for him to express your 'gender fluid' insecurities. For that you want D'Eon.

He may be gay, but he's still got a dick. So, male. Just that he's a gay male. Simple as that...

Natural Enemy: Me. Me? Well, I'm honored.

Parameters:

Strenght: D

Endurance: D

Agility: B

Magic/Mana: C

Luck: A+

Noble Phantasm: C

Likes: I swear this little imbecile likes everything. Except anything truly sexy, it seems. A cold fish, what a disappointment. Those legends about him having sex with all those women? Filthy lies, no doubt, I mean, if he didn't pork me, which woman could he find sexy?

Dislikes: See above. If he likes everything he doesn't dislike anything! Why do I need to tell you this!

First Ascension: Stupid sexy Rider. Zettai ryouiki.

Second Ascension: Stupid sexy Rider. Zettai ryouiki with a red cape. Capes are a symbol of dignity. But what could peasants like you know about that?

Third Ascension: Stupid sexy Rider. Zettai ryouiki with a red cape and... a crown? Okay... the crown probably make him look a bit silly now... But...

Final Ascension: Third Ascension sexiness. But giving a V sign. Dammit! I wanted to tap that, so much. Oh, shut up. You do too.

Biography:

The son of an English king, Astolfo is a relatively important character in the Matter of France. He was the cousin of Roland and Bradamante.

He was famous as a playboy and a beauty beyond compare. I've got to admit he's the most beautiful person I've ever seen out of a mirror. But that only makes him more annoying! He was a bit of an airhead, relatively weak compared to the rest of Charlemagne's paladins, but he always cheered them up, probably because they were as stupid as him. He flew to the moon on a hypogriff and retrieved Roland's lost reason, bottling it up and flying back to Earth with it so Roland would stop walking around naked. Astolfo also used to cheer Roland up by dressing up as a woman. Roland, I remind you, was his cousin. And they call me twisted.

I summoned him for the Great Holy Grail War in Tiphas, and IT GOT ME BEHEADED! And you surely were cheering! 'But you were keeping him in a dungeon and torturing him!' Don't kinkshame! He was a Servant with Magic Resistance and I was a human anyway, he just yawned through it all! And even if I was bad, that bitch had no way of knowing all of that, she'd have decapitated a saint too! Oh, she burns her father's kingdom to the ground, and gets so many innocents killed, but I'm the bad one and she's the adorable waifu tomboy because she pouts at not having daddy's love! Get over it! My father didn't love me either, and I turned out fine!

I'm mad now! Let's move on!

Class Skills:

Magic Resistance: D

The Caster class is a joke, everyone and their dog has magic resistance. What is the point of magic if more than half of the people in a war can shrug it off? The point of magic is it's that powerful and you can't just ignore it as if it were a light rain!

Yes, I'm angry about it! So what, I studied for years to master magic in an era where few have the gift for it, I worked for it, and when I get into a magical conflict magic is a thing people laugh at!? You would be mad too!

But Rider doesn't have that much Magic Resistance. Good riddance to bad rubbish. What? Rank A? La Black Luna? I don't know what are you talking about!

Riding: A+

He can ride anything but a hot woman, it seems. Yeah, I'm bitter. Wouldn't you? Don't I have a right to? You bother to go look for an expensive catalyst for a guy, he's admittedly hot and has a legend of being a sex god, and then he doesn't want to have sex when a really hot woman proposes to him after S&M?

All for what? So he falls for a doll with no personality instead?

Anyway, he can't ride dragons either. Why could he? Do you think dragon riders grow from trees?

Personal Skills:

Evaporation of Reason: D

He has no mind to mouth filter, mainly because he has no mind. But mouth? Oh, he's all mouth.

He'll say his secret identity aloud without a second thought, he'll forget his enemies are his enemies and offer to help them, he's an idiot.

What is this skill good for then? Isn't this a handicap? Well, you know what they say about the luck of the fools! The skill helps him to stumble into solutions through good survival instincts. BUT THEY ONLY WORK FOR HIM! There's no benefit on associating with someone like that.

Monstrous Strenght: C-

He's built like a twig- although those legs are yummy, honor where honor is due, I am not one to lie- but he's got strenght to spare despite his actual Strenght stat being so low. That is why they call this 'Monstrous', do you understand? Because it is not supposed to be, it's an aberration.

Why did he get the Skill in the first place if his legend records him as well? Beats me. Go ask Higashide!

Independent Action: B

A Skill of uppity Servants who don't know their place. Thinking they can wander off from their Masters after they do them a favor to bringing them back to this world! The nerve of those things. "Oh, look, I'm going to stray away without a care, who gives a crap if my Master is ambushed and killed!" Do you think you're an Archer? I didn't summon an Archer! Why is everything in this fruit's kit intended to drive me insane!

He can survive up to two days without a Master. Or so is he supposed to be! But noooooo, he ignored the rules and got to live on long after that bitch chopped my head off! I ask you, is there any justice on that loser being pampered by plot that much? Literally any other Servant in the war was more interesting! I never believed I'd say this but I'd rather have summoned Frankenstein.

Noble Phantasms:

La Black Luna: C

He blows a stupid horn. Did you ever see that stupid Internet meme where they have this image of Doctor Doom blowing a horn while Namor tells him "No, don't blow that horn!"? And Doctor Doom is like "Fool, Doom toots as he pleases!" Sometimes they edit Astolfo instead of Doctor Doom there. Anyway, that is basically this Noble Phantasm.

Rider blows a stupid horn and it strikes fear into the hearts of all those who hear it, prompting them to escape. BUT THAT'S JUST CALLED BEING BAD AT MUSIC! What is it with Servants voiced by that woman and being bad musicians? Is that supposed to be some kind of inside joke? Because if so, I think it's even dumber than the standard Nasuverse joke! A hater? Choke on your crystal generation slang, fanboys! You're just upset I'm saying the truth about the femboy!

If he deploys it his Magic Resistance shoots up to A. Are you happy now!?

Casseur de Logistille: C

Anti Unit, Self.

It sounds like something you'd ask for in a French restaurant, doesn't it? But it's a book inherited from the witch Logistilla, who fell in love with him.

...

Please don't say anything. The book also increases his Magic Resistance to A. But he forgot its True Name, the moron, so it's a moot point anyway. Unless he sees the nocturnal sky without a moon and regains his reason, then he remembers it. What is this, Reverse Dragon Ball?

Trap of Argalia: D

Anti Unit.

It's a trap. Ha-ha, how funny. I don't like the joke any better than you. But probably some of you are dumb enough to think it's funny. You probably find Riyo funny too!

Actually, it's a shining, ornate lance that used to belong to Argalia, a prince and knight from Carday. Does everything this guy has used to belong to someone else? Anyway, Astolfo used to be bad at jousting so the killing average is... not very high.

Hippogriff: B+

A Phantasmal Beast that's essentially an 'impossible' existence. BUT HE HAS IT! NOT THAT IT EVER HELPED ME WITH ANYTHING AT ALL! How can someone on whom so many broken gifts were wasted be so useless!?

Riders and their freaking Noble Phantasm overloads! You'd think Casters would have more of them since, you know, MAGIC IS SUPPOSED TO BEND REALITY AND YIELD MAGICAL ARTIFACTS! Does it sound like I am biased for Casters? Think again, but it's just logical! I'm not saying this just because Caster is the class most likely for me if they ever added me to the gacha!

What? You'd never roll for me? You'd burn me!? F**K YOU!

You want to know what the Hippogriff does? Google it, after that answer! Better yet, grab an actual book for once!

Start of Battle:

"Astolfo of the Twelve Paladins of Charlemagne! Be like a falling leaf! But don't actually fall! "

"Give me a minute to get ready! Okay, come at me!"

... no, I'm not sobbing. G-Go away!

Attack:

"Here I go!"

"Eat this! "

"Take that!"

"Try THIS on for size!"

I think I could write some better lines for him. I wonder if he'd take my calls...

Damage:

"Ouch!"

You know, it was really frustrating that, no matter how hammy he was otherwise, he'd never put his heart into it while complaining in pain. He has such a beautiful screaming voice. It feels like a waste.

Just look at that. A single line.

Damage by Noble Phantasm: "That's mean!"

Victory:

"Not even a challenge! Oh, the title of the weakest belongs to you now. Is that okay?"

"Perfect! I'm tired so I'm gonna take a little rest, see you later! "

Snickering.

That 'title of the weakest' gag is a good one, I must give him that!

Defeat:

"Sorry, I'm really weak..."

"I'm sorry, I can't go on..."

These two are my ringtones. Just so that you know!

Summon: "Yahoo! My name is Astolfo! Rider Class! And, and...umm, nice to meet you!"

Oh, I had so many hopes back then...

Noble Phantasm Activation:

"Show your true power! Hippogriff!"

"Alright, the time is now! My heart trembles in the moonless terror, but it shall never retreat! Casseur de Logistille!"

Extra Dialogue:

"It's a pain that you can't come soon enough!" (When you have Saber Roland).

And yet when he finally came to the gacha he was forgotten soon. Who cares about Roland after so long waiting for him? How fleeting fame is! Ha ha! Serves him right since he was Rider's relative!

"We're fighting together now; let us both do our best!" (When you have Saber Siegfried).

Snort. The best thing that himbo is good for? Getting himself killed after apologizing a lot! You don't believe me? Go ask his wife!

"Wh-whoa!? Charlie!? It's really you, Charles! Huh? What did I usually call you back in the day...? Oh well! So you came here! Wait, are you even allowed to come? Oh well! Okay then! Then as your senior, I'll teach you everything about Chaldea! This here's Master! And... this here's my Master! Anyway, it's good to have you around, Emperor!" (When you have Saber Charlemagne).

Karl der Grobe is better. I know it, you know it, everyone knows it.

What? WHAT!? He has no lines for his poor sweet beautiful cousin Bradamante, who is missing her husband?! F**K THIS GIRL MAN!

No words of support?! No standing up fo his relative!?

Even I find that low!

Birthday: "Happy birthday! I hope you have a wonderful day! "

He never wished me a happy birthday...

Event: "Hey, hey, Master! Something's up, let's go check it out! "

He never took me to any events! Granted, he was in the dungeon through most of them.

Holy Grail: "The Holy Grail? I don't really care about it. But if you want to acquire it, then I'll give my full support! Hehe."

No, he won't. He'll halfass it! Unless you happen to be the protagonist and have those magical Everyone Likes Me powers!

And listen, I know I'm a bitch and that I probably did a few things wrong while being a Master! But you know that he won't try as much as other Servants because he'll be too busy goofing off, with most people, whether they are 'good' Masters or not!

You think it'd be all fun and games with him? Do YOU think that YOU could win a war with him?! HAH! It is to laugh!

Oh, who am I kidding. You don't want to fight the freaking war in the first place, you just want to sleep with him.

And you think you are actually better than me.

...

Ah, who cares. Is the profile over now? Okay. That was... it allowed me to vent out. I guess it was therapeutic, sort of.

I need a drink.

Next: Mahou Baka no Hero Nagima!