A/N: 5 reviews! Wow thanks so much everyone! Like I said before I don't have much faith in my writing ability so it's nice to find out people are enjoying this. Now I'm knowing where I want this story to go just not sure how to get it there so bear with me whilst I carry on setting the scene.
About a month had passed since Amanda had asked Olivia to be friends. They had spent nights in watching dumb comedy movies and drinking wine, been to bars and even shared a friendly dance or two at a club. Amanda was liking having Olivia around. She liked it a lot. She liked it too much.
When they had danced, half a foot apart she hadn't been able to keep thoughts platonic. She had pictured closing the gap, grasping the brunettes hips and pulling her in to kiss. When she felt her thoughts wandering she had quickly reigned them back in. Olivia was her friend and nothing more!
Olivia had also liked having a friend around. She had found having someone nearby for comfort had lessened her desire to drink, had made thoughts of Elliot drift away for a few hours and made her more comfortable around the blonde at work. When they had spent nights in hers or Amanda's apartment comfortably watching a movie she realised with shock that she was more comfortable with this blonde almost stranger after a few weeks than she had been with Elliot in their 13 year partnership.
At The 16th precinct on a wet Friday afternoon the squad worked together on finding a 12 year old girl who had disappeared from central park. Luckily they found her at a friends house where she had run after an argument with her mother. Family reunited the squad were celebrating a happy ending for once. It had been a long week for all of them and as they readied to leave most were planning on hitting the bar together across the street.
"Hey Rollins, you in?" Olivia called over to her new partner assuming they would be spending more time together this weekend.
"Err not tonight, I have something I want to do tonight." She answered blushing slightly.
"Are you blushing Amanda? Got a hot date tonight or something?" Olivia teased gently.
"Not a date exactly..." Amanda blushed again. She was going out tonight but she didn't want Olivia with her when she did what she was planning on.
"So come on, have a drink with us, trust me it's not often we get a quick and happy ending on a missing kid case." She pressed "Where you planning on going?" Olivia asked noticing the younger detectives unease.
"I'm going to a club" Amanda sighed and lifted her head to meet the brown eyes that were now directly in front of her.
"So we've been to clubs before Amanda maybe I can go with you?" She offered again taking in the silence of the other woman "Its not a sex club is it?" she joked lightly adding a cheeky wink.
"God no!" Amanda answered quickly and laughed " it's just that I don't know how comfortable you would be considering how straight you keep telling me you are" Amanda let the information sink in before adding in a whisper " It's a lesbian club Liv" Amanda finished and looked at the brunettes eyes searching for any signs of discomfort and finding none she stood silently.
"Erm...okay. So you're planning on going to this club hoping to meet someone?" Olivia asked not sure what the feeling was in her stomach. Was is disappointment or jealousy?
"Maybe it's been a while and I figured I would try and get out there again you know?" Amanda read her face again not sure what she was looking for.
"Well I can still come with if you like? Maybe I could be your wing woman or whatever" Olivia offered "Tell me what your type is and I'll try to scout out any likely prospects." Olivia didn't know why she was offering to do this all she knew was if Amanda was set on picking up a woman tonight she wanted to be there for her.
"It's been so long I'm not even sure I have a type" Amanda admitted shyly, slipping her jacket on and walking towards the door with Olivia following behind her.
"Sure, everyone has a type" Olivia prodded again trying to get some information out of her new friend.
"Well I used to go for red heads in college but my last girlfriend was a brunette, brown eyes, curvy body and legs for days" Amanda blushed realising that almost described the older woman to a tee.
"So you don't always go for the same kind of woman then?" Olivia thought aloud.
"There's no always about it Liv, I haven't dated anyone or anything close to it for almost two years." Amanda admitted before stepping out onto the street and turning towards the parking garage.
"Seriously?" Olivia stopped in her tracks "Nothing in two years? You're Beautiful! Why wouldn't anyone wanna date you?" Olivia turned the young detective towards her.
"You're not the only one who's a little fucked up Benson" Amanda looked at her own shoes before she felt her chin being lifted to meet the brunettes gaze.
"You're not fucked up Rollins, you've been unbelievably kind to me these last few weeks, you even held my hair back last week when I puked. So in return I am going to go with you to this club and we are going to find you the most beautiful girl in that place because you deserve nothing less." Olivia smiled softly at her. Amanda's heart melted a little after Olivia's speech. Why was she so perfect? Damn it Amanda!
"Alright I will meet your place at 7:30 and we will go from there. Your place is closer" Amanda gave in " But be prepared to get hit on by women cause you're very hot stuff Benson" She winked before getting into her car.
At the club Amanda's eyes scanned the room a few times trying to find anyone that would make her heart thump a little quicker or make her body thrum with want the way Olivia's had that first night at the bar. Sighing she ordered another drink and turned to Olivia who as she predicted was having to turn down yet another offer to dance with a beautiful brown haired woman.
"Anything?" Olivia asked shouting above the music to be heard.
"Nope" Amanda said frustrated and sipped her drink when a young red haired woman with freckles came up to her and asked her for a dance, Amanda shrugged and followed her not really interested in anything beyond dancing with her but it wouldn't hurt to try and get out there. This was why she had come here after all.
Olivia watched her from the bar, eyes practically green with envy for the red head who currently had her hands on Amanda's hips. She didn't know why she felt so possessive over the blue eyed beauty but it was unsettling. She had watched Elliot with Kathy and his kids for years and had never once felt as she did right now. She flagged the bar tender over and ordered a whiskey and sipped it with her eyes still focused on the blonde. When the couple turned and Amanda locked eyes with Olivia, her breath stopped. There was that look Rollins had given her that first night. Not missing a beat , the younger detective continued dancing with the red haired woman but her gaze was unwavering as she stared at Olivia. It was more intimate than any dance ever could be. Olivia felt her face flush as she became aware of the pulsing between her thighs and the sound of her beating heart in her ears.
When the song finished the red head tried to coax her to dance again but was disappointed when Amanda pulled away and headed to Olivia.
"We can go. Whatever I intended out of tonight isn't gonna happen." Rollins made a motion to the door and went to collect her coat and bag from the coat check.
Olivia was confused and yet she followed her out. When they were stood on the street she turned to Olivia who was still looking at her differently. When Olivia made a move to lean in and kiss her she pulled away surprised and wary.
"Nope. Not happening Liv" She sighed and flagged down a cab.
"What. Why?" Olivia was even more confused now, she knew the other woman wanted her and yet she was putting the breaks on again. Amanda took Olivia's hand and looked into her eyes trying to read her face.
"You only want me when you've been drinking Olivia, I told you that if you wanted me then you have to be sober first." Amanda looked a little sad but she turned on her charm a little when she added "If you wanna touch me again when you're sober then we can talk but I don't wanna take advantage of you, you mean too much" Amanda turned and pulled her into the cab after her.
"You know I haven't even had that much to drink tonight" Olivia muttered , all she knew was she wanted this woman and no longer cared why.
"Well however much it is it's too much for me to feel comfortable doing anything more than friendly with you tonight" Amanda held her hand "however you can spend the night on my couch if you want to continue this discussion Amanda offered.
"Sure I think we need to get this all laid out in the open. Whatever it is" Olivia agreed with her.
Half an hour later they were seated on Amanda's couch in opposite corners looking into each others eyes and neither knew where to start. Amanda decided to try starting the conversation on another footing other than the elephant in the room.
"So you asked me tonight what my type was, what's yours if you don't mind me asking?" Amanda smiled shyly.
"Um I guess I like guys who are at least as tall as me, fit muscular bodies. I don't have any preference for hair colour but I'm a sucker for blue eyes." Olivia winked back at Amanda noticing the blush that appeared upon her cheeks when she did so. "Now my question for you is. Why two whole years?" she took Amanda's hand in hers and looked into the blue eyes that suddenly seemed uncomfortable.
"Something happened to me at work and I haven't felt any...any urges of that kind since then. Well until recently." Amanda danced around the subject but not wanting to make her guest feel unwelcome.
"Hmm nothing at all?" Olivia pondered her answer not wanting to press her any harder sensing the fragility of her friend.
"That's what tonight was about. I wanted to see if there was any way that I could get back that part of who I used to be" Amanda filled in the gaps and ran a hand through her blonde waves.
"You said until recently? Can I ask if those thoughts may have been about me?" Olivia held her breath as she really needed to know the answer.
"Yes. I thought about you Olivia" Amanda admitted softly gazing into the warm brown eyes that captivated her. "Tonight I wanted to know if it was just you or whether that part of me was more open to others. It didn't work" She finished frustrated, at herself.
"So...If you're so attracted to me why do you keep stopping it when I make a move?" The brunette asked even more confused.
"Because I want you to know what you are doing with me Liv. I don't want you to wake up tomorrow and freak out and run away and go back to men cause it's easier." She answered even more frustrated now.
"Okay so you wouldn't want to be with me if it was only the once?" Olivia tried fitting the pieces together in her mind "You want a relationship and if I can't give you that then you would prefer to stay friends?" She asked carefully.
"Exactly, I'd rather have you as my friend than nothin" Amanda agreed and lifted Olivia's hand up to her lips and kissed the tips of her fingers gently. "You are the only person who has made me feel safe in such a long time. I can't afford to lose that" She let go of the other woman's hand and waited for a response.
Olivia cleared her throat abruptly and then considered the other woman for a moment. "I'm not very good at relationships Amanda. For the same reason as I don't have a lot of friends. I put the job first and the few times I've let my walls down I've either hurt someone I care about or gotten hurt myself. I need some time to process this and I will let you know if I think I can make a relationship work if that's alright? Plus the fact that I've never been with a woman before. I know I'm attracted to you , I can't deny that any more. I was so jealous tonight when I saw you with that carrot top! I wanted to knock her teeth down her throat for daring to touch you!" Olivia growled possessively " So I know I want to explore things with you but I just need a moment to collect my feelings together and sort through them" Olivia leaned over and kissed her cheek "That's if you still want me after I've done all that?" She finished her speech.
"Damn it Olivia I think I'd wait forever to have you in my arms" Amanda leaned in and pressed her lips under Olivia's ear "But don't take too long cause I might spontaneously combust from all this tension you've created" She leaned back and smirked at the look on Olivia's face.