Chapter 7: 1741 - Forbidden Desire

Nothing stirred aboard the "Black Pearl".

All but the watch and the Dutchman, who had taken the helm again, had either returned to their posts or gone to their quarters after the harrowing encounter with Governor Swann.

Barbossa brooded over the sea-charts for a long time until even in his cabin the light went out, and Jack decided to look after Will and Elizabeth.

He was cut to the core by what van Dijk had told him, and while he had previously thought the idea of becoming captain of the "Flying Dutchman" was brilliant, he was now beginning to have more and more doubts about it.

And rightly so, he had to admit to himself. Because whatever he would do, every decision he would make would also be a decision he would make for Caith.

If he were given the captaincy of the "Flying Dutchman", he would be doomed to forever sail the seas of the world and carry the souls of those who died at sea over to the other side.

Could he do this? For an eternity? He did not know!

And Caith?

If he were made captain of the "Flying Dutchman", he would surely have the power to free her and give her back the life she deserved.

But what kind of life would that be?

Could she bear to hold him in her arms just once every ten years, knowing that she would be parted from him again and again until old age exacted the price that every living being had to pay sooner or later?

If he were to become captain of the "Flying Dutchman", he could undoubtedly offer her to stay with him aboard the infamous vessel.

But could he ask that of her?

Could he bear keeping her from life forever?

From a life Davy Jones had already cheated her of?

How, he wondered, could he ask that of her when he loved her?

So much so that he had even overcome death and himself just to find her?

And what about Beckett?

What would happen if he brought Caith back to life and his heart fell into Beckett's hands?

What would Beckett and Mercer do to him and her then?

'No,' he thought on the way to his quarters: 'no, I can't do that to her! There must be another way!'

Will looked up as Jack entered the captain's cabin.

It was quiet in the room, and had it not been for the sounds of the ship and the eerie sea of eternity they were sailing on, there would have been no hint that Elizabeth Swann had fallen into a deep, dreamless sleep in Jack's berth.

In order not to wake her, the boy tiptoed over to Jack and asked, whispering, "Anything new?"

"Nothing," Jack replied, in the same way: "Except that the Dutchman has successfully given me a piece of his mind again, if you know what I mean."

Will grinned tiredly: "He seems to know what to say when and how to get your undivided attention, right?"

"You can bet on that!" Jack returned the grin but immediately got serious again: "What about Lizzie?"

"Nothing new here either! I gave her some laudanum, and the effects put her to sleep pretty quickly."

"Let her sleep! And, William, you should find yourself a berth or a hammock too. You look pretty tired yourself. Not that this is any of my concerns, though…"

Noticing the lad's frown, he immediately answered Will's questioning look: "I'll stay here and look after your pretty little adventuress! And no worries! I don't intend to climb into the berth with her!"

The boy let his eyes dart from Jack to Elizabeth and back to Jack and just said, "Thank you, Jack", before quietly slipping out of the cabin.

As the door closed behind Will Turner, Jack dropped into one of the chairs surrounding the table in the middle of his cabin.

Thoughtfully, he placed his feet on the table and glanced over at the berth where Elizabeth slept.

Her desperation, her sorrow, and her heartbreaking sobs had moved everyone on deck. Even a hardened pirate like Hector Barbossa or a wild bunch of pirates like Tai Huang and his men.

Jack would have liked to give her more comfort at that moment, but seeing her like this, helpless and overwhelmed with pain, reminded him of everything he had felt when the "Wicked Wench" burst into flames so many years ago.

The feeling of being unable to do anything but watch, paralysed with terror and torn inside with despair: He knew all this only too well, and it had been the same man who had caused him and Elizabeth that same kind of pain.

For a split second, he was overcome with fear that events could repeat themselves. But maybe it was true. Maybe he had to wait until this very moment to finally be able to settle scores with Beckett and Mercer. And maybe he really needed his ship and his friends to be up to this task.

The way things were, they would find out soon if that was really the case.

Still staring at Elizabeth, he wondered what else kept drawing him to her. So much so, in fact, that for a while he'd been willing to jettison love, friendship, and loyalty just to be as close to her as possible.

Was it because they were alike in some ways?

Or was it just because he'd wanted to prove to himself and her that he really was the pirate from the stories she'd read about him?

He did not know!

Except that the once spoiled daughter of the governor of Port Royal had managed to not only gain his respect but also the respect of men like Gibbs, Barbossa, or van Dijk.

Her courage and willpower had revealed her true personality at several points over the bygone years, and Jack had no doubt that, given the opportunity, she would welcome freedom with open arms. And neither Will nor Norrington, and not even he himself, would be able to persuade her to resume the life she had left behind in Port Royal. All the less, since the last bond was torn with the death of her father, that still connected her with this life.

Jack was convinced Elizabeth Swann had the strength and the fire it needed to become captain of her own ship one day.

If, yes, if she wanted it!

In this, she was much like his beloved Caithleen, except that Caith had never wanted to sail under her own flag.

Jack had always believed that Caith had the makings of a capable and vigilant captain. And it wouldn't have mattered whether she had sailed on a merchant ship or aboard a pirate vessel.

Like him, she had a deep love for the sea and the ships on which they sailed. And, like himself, she had that unerring sense of what to do and what not to do under certain circumstances.

The respect their crew had shown her was based on the respect she had shown the men aboard, and no one had ever dared question her authority, whenever he, Jack, was not around.

As the daughter of Jeremy and Rose Stevens, she could even have flown her own flag, and he had tried several times to sell her the idea of sailing on two ships like Pat and Rose. But Caith had always refused all of that.

She had refused because she felt no ambition to become captain of her own ship.

She had refused because there could always be only one captain aboard each ship.

She had refused because she had loved the captain who had been in charge of the ship she had sailed on.

She had refused because he had been the captain of that ship.

Something moved in the dimness of his cabin, and Jack glanced over at his berth one more time.

Elizabeth stirred in her sleep, and therefore he decided to go over and look after her.

Carefully, and tried not to wake her, he sat down on the edge of the berth, and the young woman took his hand immediately. Her eyes fluttered in her sleep, and she looked around, confused, as she opened them now, as if for a moment she didn't know where she was.

Noticing the hand in hers, she relaxed and addressed the one whom she expected to sit by her side: "Will? Is that you? Are you still here?"

"No, dear," Jack replied softly, "It's me. I sent your pirate, who doesn't want to be a pirate, to his hammock so that he too could get a hatful of sleep. Believe me, otherwise he would have fallen asleep where he was standing!" Instantly, Elizabeth let go of his hand, and he pulled it back. "Oi!"

"Jack!"

"Hm…?"

"Jack, what are you doing here?" The young woman stared at him and pulled her blanket up to her chin.

"What would you say I'm doing here, love? Captain's cabin, remember?" He grinned, pointed at the blanket, and asked: "But what's that supposed to be good for? I've already seen you under completely different circumstances, right? Twice, in fact! At that time, you were wearing nothing but a thin underdress, and you were soaking wet to the bones. And, well, you know, I don't want to say that the sight gave some insight, but it did. At least more than it does right now. So to speak! So what makes you believe I don't know what you're trying to hide under your covers, eh?"

"You are impudent and without any decency!"

Unaware of any guilt, he replied: "Could be, but admit it, Lizzie, you wouldn't want me if I were any different…!"

"What? No! I don't want you at all!"

"Oh, I wouldn't be so sure about that. I seem to remember some moments in a not-so-distant past where it didn't seem so obvious who of us wanted whom and who didn't, eh?"

"Jack!"

Without being able to prevent it, a smile crept onto her lips, and his grin grew wider: "You see, it works!"

She became aware of what his teasing of her was about, and she relaxed, but with relaxation came the memories. And when she looked at him the next time, Jack recognised the pain in her eyes and the tears streaming down her cheeks again: "I can't believe I'll never see him again…"

"You shouldn't give up hope, love. One day you might get reunited with your father. You know, no one can tell for sure what's in store for us as soon as we get back."

He paused and cleared his throat, not sure if his words were appropriate enough to give her some of the hope that filled his heart. But he wanted to try and added: "You know, Lizzie, the woman I was telling you about when Barbossa marooned us on Rumrunner's Isle – it's been so many years since I lost her and I miss her every day, but I've never given up my hope of seeing her again someday…"

This time it was he who felt Elizabeth's hand in his: "Then I was wrong about you, Jack Sparrow, and I wronged you in many ways by what I did to you. But at that very moment, it seemed like the simplest solution to the problem we all had to face. At that time, I was not aware that the simplest solution is not always the right one. So, I really hope that, one day, you can forgive me for this mistake."

"Let's face the truth, Lizzie: It wasn't a mistake! You made a decision. For you, for the crew! You did what every pirate, what every captain, is forced to do at least once in their lives, and you should never ask for forgiveness for that! I just wish you had told me your intentions. Then, maybe, I would have told you in return that I wanted to stay aboard anyway, and you would not have felt forced by your conscience to take the blame."

This disclosure was new to the young woman, and he smiled as he saw the surprise reflected in her eyes: "I see I'm still able to surprise you, eh? What about that? You probably remember our little game about curiosity, seduction, and why one day I would want to do something brave and become a good man. What if I told you that these things were never about me? Just as little as I care about gold, silver, and riches…"

"Then what is it that drives Jack Sparrow?"

"You still don't know, love? How about freedom, love, justice…?"

"Then I would have been completely wrong about you from the beginning. Then, maybe, you were always a good man…"

"Maybe! Maybe not! Why don't you tell me, Lizzie?"

She sighed: "Then I cursed myself twice! The first time because I didn't realise I had wronged a good and brave man. And the second time because I hurt another good and brave man without even knowing. Since that day, nothing between Will and I has been the way it should be, and I fear I'll lose him…"

When Jack looked into her face again, their eyes met. That one moment too long to call into question everything they had just said to each other: "You're not going to lose dear William, Lizzie. Not as long as you're willing to trust him!"

"The wisdom of a pirate?"

"Only the wisdom of a man who has already seen and done the strangest things imaginable…"

"Then I was really wrong about you, and you are a good man!"

She didn't give him time to answer, but reached out and gently touched his cheek. For a moment, she still hesitated, but then she pulled him close and pressed a passionate kiss to his lips.

Jack didn't know what was happening to him, and he felt how the most different feelings began to rise within him. He tried to fight it, but this place, the sadness that filled them both, and the despair of the losses they had suffered, drove them into each other's arms.

He closed his eyes and hugged the young woman tight, carried away by his desperate need to feel anything close to his lost love, close to his memories of Caith. And so he closed his eyes and surrendered to the kiss like a drowning man fighting for his life.

The warmth of her skin beneath his fingertips, the warmth on his skin as her hands slipped under his shirt – he didn't know how long he would be able to resist this temptation, until he realised what it would mean for all of them if he gave in to his desire and his passion now.

He knew he would not only destroy himself, Caith, and their love. This would also destroy Will and Elizabeth, and he couldn't do that.

He didn't want that!

So he gently took the young woman by the shoulders and pushed her away at arm's length: "Lizzie! Please! Don't do that."

Either she didn't seem to hear him or she didn't want to hear him, but she buried her hands in his thick, dark hair again and pulled him into another deep kiss.

Jack fought a battle against himself. He knew she was ready at that moment to willingly give him what he had wanted all too badly for a while. But he also knew that if they gave in to those feelings now, they would both regret it for the rest of their lives.

So he pushed her away again: "Lizzie! Please! You know, I've wanted this for a long time, but I can't…!"

"What is it you can't?"

Her voice had a dark, seductive tone that made every fibre of his body vibrate, but he was determined not to succumb to his desire: "You know what I mean, love! You know it would destroy us if we gave in now! You know that you don't love me. And you know that I don't love you."

"No one will ever get to know anything about this night…"

"We will know, love, and I am not willing to bear such a burden."

"Is it because of that woman? She's dead, Jack! For what seems like forever! Don't you think it's time to let her go?"

Jack looked at Elizabeth, and he felt something he thought he felt for her shatter into a thousand pieces at that word.

"No," he whispered. "I know where she is, Elizabeth, and I will not let her go. Not even for something as tempting as what you're about to offer me. I love her, Lizzie! Don't expect me to give her up for a single hour of bliss!"

"You seem to have fewer inhibitions about that, though, when it comes to all those fancy ladies in all the ports you head for…"

He shook his head. "One day you'll understand why I didn't do what you wanted me to do today, Miss Swann. And while you might hate me for it today, one day you'll thank me for it!"

With that, he got up, kissed her hair, and hurried out of his cabin without looking back.