Canada to the rescue
"Dads, when you are decent, can you please come out of the tent!?"
America's voice was welcomed by a collective groan by his parents, who instinctively huddled closer together.
"Why we had children, frog. Remind me."
"Having colonies sounded cool. We were young and innocent back then."
England rose a dubious eyebrow hearing France's answer, but couldn't question his point except for calling them innocent when they had America and Canada.
Or at any given time in their history, to be fair.
"Can we give them back?" England's voice, groggy from sleep, was almost completely muffled by France's hairy chest, as he held tighter his arms around his lover's waist for comfort. "Or we could have left them at home. They are frigging adults..."
"Oh, c'mon, Angleterre." France chuckled at England's morning annoyance and petted his hair reassuringly. "You would have cried every evening, holding a bottle of whisky and complaining about how cute they were as children and how much you missed them."
"As if you wouldn't have just joined me in the drama."
"I'm not going to deny that. That's why I dragged them on holiday with us."
England sighed and moved slightly away from France to get out of the sleeping bag, only to cuddle back against him as soon as he perceived the distinct lack of warmth.
"It's freezing!"
"You wouldn't feel so cold, if you had worn your pyjama." France held him tighter, his voice cheerful and warm despite the hint of reprimand. "And on the topic: if you keep falling asleep like that right after sex, one day I'll use it to make you sign something you will regret 'till the end of your days."
"I already married you."
"I said something you would regret, you gremlin."
"Like re-joining the EU?"
"Fuck you, Arthur." To make his displeasure better known, France let go of his husband and reached out to open their sleeping bag. England, despite feeling annoyed by France ending their cuddle time, perceived the inherent risk of the action and tried his best to stop him.
After a quick squabble, France finally managed to zip open the sleeping bags and get out to put some clothes on. When he gave his attention back to England, he snickered at the sight of him curled on his side, clutching tight the fabric around him to prevent the cold to get him.
"You look adorable."
"Fuck you, Francis."
France watched amazed England trying to snuggle even more inside his cocoon as he finished dressing, deeming the show better than anything ever appeared on television. By the time he was fully dressed, however, England still showed no will to get up and not even his cuteness could make this less problematic.
"Mon coeur, c'mon, the kids are waiting for us."
"Let them wait, it's too frigging cold."
"It will keep being cold, if you don't put some clothes on."
"I don't care! I'm not moving."
France huffed at his lover's stubbornness, and put his hands on his hips as he looked around himself in search of something that could give him some ideas. He found nothing, so he eventually retrieved the warmest clothes England had brought with himself he had thrown hastily inside England's backpack and placed them on his side of the sleeping bag. He tried a few more times to coax England out of his nest kindly, then he tried to annoy and threaten him, but nothing seemed to work.
Lacking any other option, he resorted to physical violence.
That did the trick and, after fifteen minutes of yells, screams and death threats, France finally managed to dress England and drag him out of his cocoon. Despite his initial remonstrations, England could only admit that with the right clothes and France by his side he could easily live outside the sleeping bag.
When they exited the tent, they found their sons staring disbelieving at the two of them.
"Is this the way you hide from our sovereigns?" Canada asked nonplussed, rising a condemning eyebrow at the two older nations. "It was a nightmare attempting to sleep with you going at it right next to us."
"Yeah." His brother added with a disheartened sigh. "Hearing the voice that sang you lullabies and told you stories when you were little crying and moaning for more quite destroyed my childhood memories."
America's scold made both nations blush hard and look elsewhere, far away from their sons but also from their lover.
"W-what made you think that we were going at it?" France's attempt at self-defence was welcomed by an even more disapproving scowl from his children. "It could have been just a heated debate like we always have."
"Please, don't even try that." Canada sighed, and then he showed them the way towards the campfire. "America made some breakfast. Since we couldn't sleep, yesterday night we went for a walk and found some eggs and radishes."
"Why would you leave the cooking to America!?" France cried outraged, only to earn an annoyed stare from the younger nation.
"He offered, and you would have been the only one to complain."
"Is this your way to care for your old man!?"
"Papa. If you keep your voice down tonight, we might have a deal."
"Are you threatening me?"
"I'm stating facts."
"Breakfast is ready!" America called, interrupting the debate between France and Canada.
England, who had been staring at them the whole time during the squabble, could only feel guilty for being both the reason of Canada's annoyance and of France's culinary punishment. Unfortunately, his sons were aware –like most of their friends- that the best way to make both of them behave was taking down one of them. 'Educate one to educate both' was the implicit rule around them, and England knew too well that Canada had no qualms to use it when he reached his limit. Apparently, this had been the case and France was deemed the easiest to damage.
France was already walking resignedly towards his demise, so England joined him at the campfire and accepted the food America was handing them. He knew that his lover had sensibly different opinions on food than he did, but all things considered he decided that his only way out was trying to act nice for once, hoping that France would at least appreciate the attempt and forgive him.
"Francis? Do you want me to have the first bite?"
"Go ahead and eat, since you can." France pouted, visibly conflicted by the sight of the scrambled eggs. "I'm still seeking the courage to try within myself..."
"You should just eat it, it's food!" America tried to protest, but it was Canada himself who stopped him from forcing his hand too much against the Frenchman.
England took an initial tentative bite, keeping an eye on his highly perplexed lover to check that he was watching him not dying in the act. Honestly, he didn't think anything of America's scrambled eggs, but it was easy to understand that France wouldn't be probably of the same advice. As proof of him being right, after the first cautious bite, France started to cry.
"Francis?"
"You put ketchup inside..." France mumbled around his fork, ignoring England and staring offended at the culprit. "Why would you do that!?"
"To give the eggs some taste!" America stared back proudly at France. "You need to try new things when you cook!"
England patted soothingly France's back, but he couldn't prevent him from sobbing silently at the statement.
"Say you are sorry to the eggs..."
"What the hell, dad France!?"
England put down his plate of food and dragged France in his embrace to comfort him, much to their sons' disappointment.
"Papa, you are making it harder than it is." Canada observed, a bit more than surprised that France hadn't react against America as he would normally do whenever England attempted to cook.
"Can I ask why you don't get as angry at Canada and America as you do with me?" England questioned eventually, voicing Canada's doubts.
"They are my sons, blood of my blood-" France admitted between one sniff and the other, making his family feel all warm inside. "I'm fully responsible for how they've grown up!"
"Dad France!" America yelled, as Canada shouted "Papa!"
England, on his end, groaned and shoved him away, annoyed by the stupid reasons behind the preferences France was according to their sons.
When breakfast time ended, only England had finished his meal, since France had eventually curled up on his side, suffering from a culinary broken heart and a pained stomach. Whether his stomach hurt as a result of hunger or because of America's cooking skills, each member of the family had sensibly different opinions on the matter.
While whining about England being heartless and his sons being England's spawn, however, France had also managed to produce a proper plan for the day. After his lover and sons had dragged him up, therefore, he focussed finally back on their holiday and organised the careful packing of everything needed.
"Have we forgotten anything?" He asked eventually, as he closed his backpack and throw it on his back.
"Tents, food, clothes…" England started enumerating. "There's still some wood left from yesterday, but I don't think it's wise bringing it with us. It's heavy and we can find more in the forest."
"We can go, then."
"Go where?" Canada dared to ask, sighing at the lack of alternatives they had been given.
"Towards the point on the map marked with an X." France answered him curtly, evidently still annoyed at the breakfast retaliation.
"Papa, you are not still mad at us, aren't you?"
France didn't answer, so England just put a caring hand on Canada's shoulder.
"Don't worry, Mattie, France can't keep a grudge for too long."
"I do still remember what you did in June 945, Angleterre!" France pointed out, loud enough for everyone to hear him clearly, and making England rolling his eyes in answer.
"Ok, he can keep a grudge. But he will also get over it enough to be civil again."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, more or less when hunger will start kicking in."
The statement earned England another of France's tirades, but they only had to wait a couple of hours before the Frenchman capitulated, proving that England - after their several centuries of fighting and loving one another - knew his husband as well as his husband knew him.
As his stomach started grumbling noisily at his lack of a healthy fulfilling breakfast, however, England was ready to offer him the berries he had kept at hand, guessing that something like that would happen. It wasn't much, but they were enough to keep France walking until they reached an area that seemed good enough to rest and eat some of the food France had brought ready-made from home for emergencies.
"Why are we not finishing yesterday's stew?"
America's question was answered first and foremost by France's shocked stare.
"Stew is meant to be eaten warm, America, I don't want you to die of stomach-ache." A deep meaningful silence followed before France continued in a much deeper and threatening voice. "I'm not you."
"Oh, c'mon!"
"Papa, you can't still be mad at us! Dad said that you would get over it, eventually."
"Well, I did stop being mad at England. He feed me berries."
Both America and Canada huffed and protested in annoyance, but England was quick bringing the whole situation back in order.
"Let's not waste time in quarrels, we are here to enjoy a nice family holiday."
"We still know nothing about your plan." Canada pointed out, and America nodded in agreement.
"We understand that you want to follow the treasure map, but it can't be just that."
"Just focus on enjoying a light stroll in the woods." France retorted, annoyed by the request for more information when even England was just accepting the treasure hunt as it was. "And while you are at it, keep your eyes open for anything edible. There are no lakes nearby and I don't remember if we can trust much the few rivers here around on fish matters."
Giving such a task to Canada and America earned them four hours of a very busy American nation and a refreshing lack of complaints and questions too difficult to answer. However, they all knew that it was not meant to last.
"When are we getting there, dad France?" America started complaining eventually.
"Where would be there?"
"There! The place we are meant to reach!"
"Exploring is not really done that way, Alfred."
France sighed resigned, hoping to find something interesting enough at a certain point to distract his son.
"Everything is done like this! You want to go somewhere, you cross the space between your current place and the new one."
"We're not here to just go somewhere, but to have some family time together and relax." Still, not even England's words seemed enough for America.
"If I wanted to relax, I would have gone to a baseball match, or to a football one, or to McDonald's! Since when being stuck in the woods with your old parents and your brother is having fun and relax!?"
His rant stopped abruptly when they heard a sharp noise, soon followed by a white-tailed deer crossing the path they were following.
"Whoa." America couldn't help but comment, but the sight had caught the interest also of the remaining members of his family.
"You see?" France took his chance to tease him. "How many years passed since the last time you saw wild animals live and not on TV?"
America looked contrite at France's reprimand, but couldn't really say anything against the point. For someone who had spent most of his youth in the wildlife, he had to admit that since ranches had become a thing he had been way more focussed -animal wise - on farming, much to his French father's delight.
His gaze full of longing was caught by England, who eventually patted him on the shoulder to get his attention.
"You want to follow the deer?"
America blinked at the option England was offering him, earning a warm smile from his parents.
"A reroute won't be much of a problem, don't worry." France confirmed with a big grin, scuffing playfully Canada's soft hair to reassure him that showing himself interested in animal watching as well was fine. "England will get us back on route easily."
England snorted at his lover's attempt to escape from responsibility, but as he noticed his sons' honest interest in the proposal, he gave up his plan to take his revenge on him.
"Yeah, I'm the sensible one of the family, so follow my lead... and give me the map."
England successfully snatched the map from his husband's hands and headed after the deer. As the younger nations followed in tow, France chuckled and draped himself around his arm affectionately.
It didn't take them much before they found them drinking at the river.
"You really found them!" Canada complimented England, taking advantage of his weak tone of voice. "I get to see wildlife more often than my brother at this point in history, but a long time has passed for me too since I last saw a deer so close inside a forest."
"Yeah, if dad France didn't confiscate our phones this would be the proper time for a photo."
"Shhhh!"
Even though America's attempt at being quiet didn't go as well as his brother's, the deer just stopped drinking for a moment to check their surroundings before they resumed happily sipping some much needed water by the river.
"You can enjoy the moment even without taking a photo, you know?" England reprimanded in a small voice, as soon as he was certain that everything was quiet again. "Besides, a photo will never give you the same feeling of the live event."
"You are showing your age, dad England."
"Moreover, you didn't think it that way, when you and papa had that major fight right after the Aukus and he threw you out of the house for a whole week."
"Oh really?" France couldn't help but smirking at Canada's comment. "Somehow I guessed that you hadn't been 'so absolutely fine' as you told me."
"W-what about it?" England blushed heavily in embarrassment, barely managing to keep his voice down. "I'll remind you that you were the one taking me back at the time!"
"Well, you're looked pitiful."
"I what-!?"
"Dads, please..." Both Canada and America called as quietly as they could.
"Dads please, but it was you that brought up the past." England glared at Canada, only to meet his son's resigned stare.
"It won't kill you, you know, admitting that you spent the whole week on my couch staring at the photos of you two on your phone and complaining that you always forgot to take the most beautiful ones."
Canada's story turned England's face even redder and France raised an enquiring eyebrow at him.
"So much for 'I just went back to London and kept working as usual'..."
"Shut it, Francis."
"Even if I shut my mouth, this wouldn't change t-"
France stopped abruptly as he heard a loud noise coming from behind them. The noise made the deer jump away well into the woods, so they had no other choice than to rush back to the main road, only to stop behind some trees when the noise became louder.
"What's that?" America questioned, draping himself over his brother.
"It sounds like a patrol." England was about to suggest to go exploring alone, when he noticed Canada freeing himself from America's hold to climb the nearest tree. "What the hell are you doing!?"
"Mathieu!" France, who had noticed the very same thing, just rushed to the tree, obviously worried that he would fall.
Much to everyone's relief, Canada easily reached the highest branches, checked the area around them and then re-joined his family without a scratch. Family who was quick to huddle closer to him to check that he was all right, making him sigh in resignation.
"It's an English patrol. I think I can deal with them alone, I brought with me something that might help us getting rid of them "
"You brought with you freshly brewed tea?" France teased, only to get his husband elbowing him in the stomach.
"I brought something better to be fair." Canada grinned. "Where shall we meet? It's better that you keep moving forward while I'm off."
"I remember that there's a cave up that way." England retrieved from America's backpack an actual map of the area and quickly marked their current position and the place where they were supposed to meet on it. "You should be able to see it even from afar, it's right up the hill."
Canada nodded and then went searching for a small bag inside his backpack, leaving his belongings to America before running towards the source of the noise.
France and England stared at one another doubtful for a while after they lost sight of him, but eventually just sighed and started walking in the direction of the place England had told Canada about, hoping that their boy would come back in one piece. Since evening was already approaching when they reached the cave, France and America went gathering some firewood, while England stayed behind to pull out from their backpacks what they would need for the night.
They were all busy in their respective tasks when they heard from a distance the distinct sound of fireworks. As they all stared up at the sky, they saw the blue outline of Queen Elizabeth II fading into tiny little lights, before being replaced by a much tidier red silhouette.
As the fireworks kept popping to show Queen Elizabeth II also in shades of white, and blue white and red all together, France and America couldn't help but laughing heartedly at the sight, as England swore profusely against his entire family.
When some time later Canada re-joined the others, England was ranting on the topic, while a still sniggering France tried to calm him down. Both parents turned to stare at the Canadian, though, as soon as America pointed out the devastated state his brother was in.
"Mwahaha! Great God, you fell into a river?"
"Truth to be told I jumped into the river on purpose, it was my only chance to get rid of the hound." Canada explained as he moved closer to the fire completely drenched and leaving a shiny trail of water behind himself. "It was the only one still following me after I set off the fireworks."
England, who had started rummaging into his backpack as soon as he had seen his son getting back dripping wet, gave a towel to France, so that he could start drying up Canada while he kept searching for some warm clothes.
"Aww! Papa, not again!"
Canada made a face as soon as his French father threw the towel over his head and started rubbing his hair dry, but as soon as he enveloped his body with the soft cloth, he could barely hide the light blush spreading over his cheeks.
"So? How is it?" France asked him, his voice low and sweet. "Slightly better?"
"Yeah, somehow..."
"I could make you some warm tea." He chuckled. "Seems just proper after your last stunt."
Canada and America sniggered, whilst England just groaned and put some clothes in front of his son.
"You wretched child, change into something dry!"
"Oh, c'mon Arthur, mon amour... It was the ideal way to get rid of your men, you must admit it."
"Fuck you, Francis. You and your bloody sons."
"Dad..." Canada's attempt at looking contrite was hindered by both his inability to stop laughing and the water still dripping from his hair.
"On the topic, where did you get fireworks Queen's shaped?" America asked, as he laid prone in front of him. "They were rather cool, despite the subject being rather... kitsch."
"Oi, what does it mean ki-"
"Some of my elected officials wanted to set them off when the funerals were held." Canada interrupted England's protest, as he started to undress himself. "I confiscated them."
"Why would y-"
"C'mon, Angleterre, don't annoy the boy. You know that he is right." France moved to take the clothes from England's arms and give them to Canada so that he could change into something dry and warm, before dragging his husband in his arms to cuddle him against his chest.
"Right my ass. They are your children, after all."
"Now, dad England, you can't really say anything to dad France." America pointed out. "He was little short from declaring national mourning at the time."
"That was what I planned to do to be fair, and my government was about to allow me to do so. My people, however, thought it was a little too much, so I gave up."
"Well, that even your people thought that you were exaggerating should tell you something." England huffed unwilling to admit France's good will. "I still wonder why you did all that, especially considering our history."
"'Cause I love you, you dumb ass!" France pouted and crossed his arms on his chest. "I knew the news hurt you badly, I wanted to show you my complete support!"
"Weren't you showing me your support with-"
"We don't want to know!" Both younger nations hastened to interrupt their parents, unwilling to know what else had France concocted to please England at the time.
"I still feel wet inside my bones..." Canada shivered and moved nearer the campfire to warm up himself better. "What are the plans for today?"
"Tonight, you mean, young man." England told him firmly. "America got something in the woods that France cooked up while waiting for you. Now that you are back we can eat and then go to bed."
"But we didn't even put up the tents."
"Don't worry, I made them promise they won't have sex with us right in front of them." America reassured his brother. "I know that there's no guarantee that they will follow through, but it's something."
"Oi, you two..." Both parents complained, only to be answered by a risen eyebrow from their sons. That was enough to make them desist in their attempt at self-defence.
"Here, have something warm to eat." France handed the bowl of soup to Canada first, and then proceeded to serve some also to America and England.
"Don't you have anything interesting to tell us about your distraction mission?" America pestered his brother, hoping to get from him some adventure story while they ate. "You know, escaping from capture, a firefight… something like that?"
"Uh? Not at all, you know I don't go around with firearms." Canada took a few moments to try to recall the previous events, just to be sure he wasn't forgetting something interesting for his brother. "They didn't really see me, they just heard me moving, but after I set off the fireworks they lost me quite easily. The only one who actually sniffed me and followed me knowing what they were doing was the hound."
"Luckily you managed to lose your tracks." England sighed, taking a moment to reassure himself that Canada was actually fine and to put a lock of the boy's hair behind his ear. "I can talk from experience, my hounds can really be something."
"I know, but I'm not so weak and unprepared as people think I am." Canada scoffed. "Where I can't get with my hands I can get with my brain."
"We know, just have mercy on your old men." France chuckled. "You know we worry."
"Mah, you are all so boring." America pouted. "I wanted some interesting snippet!"
"I found this in the river, I don't know if you might call it interesting."
Canada took out a red pebble, similar in all to the one England had found the day prior, from the oblong shape to the carvings.
"It's something that we will need in the end! I'm sure of it!" America cried out enthusiastically. "I can't believe dad France's stupid idea is actually becoming interesting!"
"Hey, what do you mean with stupid idea!?"
"Well, c'mon, anything is better that camping with your old men."
"You little-"
"Don't start it, you two!" England butted into the quarrel. "America, this is not a game you see on TV or on the internet, I hardly think the two things are related."
"You can't deny they match though. And they were even mentioned on dad France's map."
Despite how nonsensical it sounded, no one could really refute that America was making sense. After everyone had finished eating, England took the pebble and put it together with the other one, then he went arranging the last thing needed for their sleeping quarters together with Canada, as America and France cleaned up after their dinner.
When everything was settled, everyone happily headed inside their own sleeping bag to try getting some sleep. Canada and America decided to side their parents, hoping that it would count as a deterrent for the two older nations.
When they woke up during the night to check that they parents didn't misbehave, they gladly noticed that the two were still properly asleep each on their own sleeping bag... holding hands.
They didn't know if that had been a conscious decision made while they were still awake or if that had happened instinctively during the night, still it was heart-warming seeing the two of them still loving one another so much despite all that still happened between them.
Sure, they get annoyed at them as much as they got annoyed at one another, but it was a nice reminder that -despite it all- they were a family and a family they will still be in the future.
They smiled and moved their sleeping bag closer to them then, cuddling against their parents' back before going back to sleep.
Even though they would never admit it, it was undeniable that France's idea of a family holiday had been a good idea.
T.B.C.