A/N: Warning Trigger Chapter.
They stood there hugging for the longest time. Kelly closed his eyes as he tried to calm his heart down. Holding her again was stirring up emotions that he wasn't wanting to feel. But he couldn't help it; she was crying, and she looked broken when she revealed what happened to her. He had to hug her; hugging her was always his first instinct. He missed holding her; the feeling that infected him as he held her gave him a sense of calmness and healing. Her coconut shampoo and vanilla fragrance invaded his nose and had his pulse racing. They had spent a lot of time together this past week, talking and laughing, but they never touched, not even accidentally. Man,did she feel incredible in his arms again?
Stella was having the same effects; his intoxicated cologne was driving her crazy. His muscular arms felt incredible around her; she could tell he worked out a lot. His embrace felt warm and safe, just like it did when she was younger. God, did she miss this man? She closed her eyes, silently kicking herself for telling him what happened. She didn't want pity; she didn't want him to feel sorry for her. She pulled back after it hit her that the hug lingered a little longer than it should have. She took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."
He wasn't sure if she was sorry for the hug, telling him, or if she was having the same affects as he was. "Sorry for what?"
"Crying in your arms and blurting out what happened to me."
"I'm not sorry." He tells her. "Stella I'm glad you told me, even though I was sort of putting the pieces together and figured something happened. I was thinking of an abusive relationship or a one-night stand with someone who used you or mistreated you. I never thought..." He couldn't even say the word. "You promised to be honest with me about everything tonight; even though I feel bad for pushing you into telling me, I'm so glad you did."
She swallowed hard. "Just my mom and therapist know. Shay doesn't." She gave him an apologetic look. "Shay and I had a long conversation a few nights ago, and I told her everything she wanted to know, but the part about Ryan's father. She said it was fine, and I promised to tell her one day. I honestly didn't think I would ever be ready to tell anyone." She sat down on the couch. "But it feels like a weight has been lifted off me; I actually feel relieved and happy that I told you. It feels good to talk about it and to get it out in the open."
Kelly sat down next to her. There were so many questions he wanted to ask and so much he wanted to say he just didn't want to upset her or anything. He watches her sit there, looking at her hands that's were clapped together, her legs slightly bouncing, she was nervous, she wasn't looking at him, she was biting her bottom lip hard. He could tell she wanted to pretend she was okay, and talking about what happened didn't bother her, but it does. She wasn't mentally prepared for this conversation. She was forcing herself to talk to him about this, and he didn't want her to force herself to do anything. "Stella, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to tell me. I'm not going to be mad or angry. I just wanted to know what happened these past eight years. I missed my... friend." Friend—did he really say friend? What the hell is wrong with him? He missed her more than a friend; God, she is all that is on his mind all the time. Why can't he just say I'm still in love with you? I miss what we had, what we were, and what we were supposed to be. I miss my person, my soulmate, and my other half. He quit dreaming the day he lost her; he felt his world going out of control; everything was spinning, and he couldn't balance it. Now she's back, and he feels awaken in the best way. All his feelings are coming back to the surface stronger than ever. But instead of saying I miss you, I love you. I need you back in my life so I can start to fully heal again. He said I miss my friend, and then again, maybe, just maybe that's what he should have said. Being her friend again and building up their friendship again is just what he needs to get her back. He knows she hasn't had it easy the last few years, and there is so much they need to talk about, so much he wants to know. But he's not going to force her; he wants her to open up to him. On her time, even if he had to wait longer, getting her back as his friend is the start of getting her back as his; at least he hopes so. If she wants to ever be his again, he knows he wants her too. It's all he ever wanted.
Friend, he misses his friend, and even though she has no right, she will admit that stung. She doesn't know why, though she misses him as her friend too—her best friend, her safe place, her rock, her boyfriend, her fiance. He was so much to her; it's funny how he was so many things to her, and now he's nothing; he's just a guy she used to know, a guy she used to date, a guy she used to be engaged to—he's just her ex. That's his new title to her; he's her ex, and there comes that sting again. She honestly should be happy that he said he missed his friend, considering when she first came home, it sounded like he still hated her and didn't miss her at all. And now he's saying he missed his friend; well, duh, he's pitying her; he feels bad for what she just told him; and he is trying to make things less awkward between them. He didn't really miss his friend; he just wanted to ease the awkwardness between them that she caused again by blurting out something she told herself she would never tell anyone. Now she's angry. "Stop pitying me!"
"Excuse me."
"I don't want or need your pity." She stands up and walks a few feet away from him.
"How am I pitying you?"
"Kelly, you know damn well you didn't miss me; you are only saying I miss my friend because of what I just accidentally blurted out to you. That's why I didn't want to tell anyone; I don't want or need anyone feeling sorry for me. Yes, it was a horrible thing I went through; the nightmares made things worse. I was constantly on edge, no matter where I was. I couldn't even stand in a freaking elevator with a stranger alone because I thought he was going to attack me. I can't even go out at night because I'm too jumpy and afraid. I fought insomnia this past year; it was so extreme that the rehabilitation place I was staying at would lock me in my room at night because they didn't know what I would do. I was on suicide watch. They gave me melatonin supplements and antihistamines to help me sleep once they found out I was pregnant."
"I didn't say I missed you because I felt sorry for you, Stella; I said it because it's the truth; I did; I do miss you."
She exhaled loudly. "I missed you too, a lot."
He smiled. "Come here." He extended his hand, and she took it. He pulled her back down on the couch. "I want to know everything, Stella; I need to know everything." He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, and she snuggled into his side.
She smiles as she thinks about the millions of times they've done this. He always knew how to comfort her. This was her favorite place, with his arms wrapped around her while her head rested on his chest. This felt like home to her, he feels like home to her.
"You said that Ryan saved you; what do you mean?" He asked softly as his right hand caressed her hand that was on his chest. His left arm held her close to him. God, did he miss this girl.
She bit her lip as she thought about how he would react. "You want the honest truth?"
"Yes, of course."
"Well, to be truthful, losing you was the start of my downfall." He looked down at her as she continued on. "Six months after our breakup, alcohol became my best friend." She wanted to tell him there was another reason for her sudden need for alcohol, but that other reason would probably kill him, and right now she wants to be selfish and lean on him. She will tell him; she promised Shay she would, but not yet.
"I remember Shay saying you turn into a party girl with the way you were drinking."
"Yeah, my drinking got out of control; the crazy thing is, no one really noticed. I could drink like a fish and still show no outward signs of intoxication. It went on for years—I mean years. I would go to work carrying a coffee cup, but it wasn't filled with coffee; it was filled with whiskey. Or I would show up with a bottle of orange juice; well, people thought it was just orange juice, but the majority of the time it had more vodka in it than juice." She sighed. "I had hidden bottles of whiskey, tequila, and rum all over my apartment, my trailer on set, and my car. Five years, Kelly, I was an alcoholic and somehow managed to keep it under control before my agent started questioning me about drinking too much, and we had a huge blowout. She quit, and I just hired someone else."
"I guess I'm starting to understand why you don't drink alcohol anymore." He said this as he stroked her hair.
"Yeah, I had a huge meltdown on set one day. I don't remember much of it, but I got fired, and the guy I was seeing for almost a year dumped me, saying I needed to get my life back on track. I was too much of a train wreck, and I was ruining his career. And that bastard called my mom."
"Well, I can't blame him; I would have done the same thing. You do what you have to do for the people you love."
She looks up at him. "He didn't do it because he loved me; that man was only with me because of the way I looked and my body. I was like a trophy girlfriend to Sam; he was married, supposedly. The wife just didn't care what he was doing as long as the money kept coming in. And I didn't love him; like I said earlier, my heart has never left you, Kelly; I have never been in love with anyone else; you have my heart, and from the looks of it, you always will."
He looks down into her dark brown eyes and says, "Your eyes don't sparkle like they used to."
"I lost my sparkle eight years ago."
"Me too." They stared at each other for a moment.
"Anyways." She breaks the contact. "My mom showed up at my apartment in New York—that's where I was—and demanded I go to rehab. We had a heated discussion, possibly the worst one we've ever had. I threw her out of my apartment. And a week later, she had an intervention for me, my producers, my colleagues, and my ex-people that I used to work with, and a few people I thought were my friends all showed up. And somehow, the next morning, I went to rehab for six months. And I got better."
"I can't believe you never told Shay or Gabby this; you guys were talking all the time then, right?"
"Yes, we did those daily three-way calls, and they visited me once a year. Alcohol addiction isn't always obvious. In fact, a high-functioning alcoholic can be a member of society who can maintain their career and family while battling alcohol addiction. And I was one of them; I did it for over five years. No one cared enough to notice anything different about me."
Kelly closed his eyes. "Gabby and Shay cared; why didn't they notice?"
"Because Gabby and Shay weren't around me all the time, and when they would come and visit for that one week out of the year, seeing me drink wasn't alarming to them. Because I would say it's my vacation time, and we would all drink. They didn't know I had whiskey and tequila bottles hidden in my bedroom. They didn't suspect anything, so they didn't look for the signs."
"I would have known." He says it in a serious tone.
She looks up at him. "I wouldn't have turned to alcohol if you were still in my life. The alcohol helped me drown my thoughts, drown my pain, and drown my regret for letting you go. I kept drinking because it made me feel like I'm not alone."
"You had Sam." He said it bitterly.
"Sam was just some guy I screwed when I wanted to escape your memory."
His eyes widened. "I can definitely relate to that." He tells her as he thinks about all the women he's been with, just to help erase her from his mind.
She looks away. "I couldn't drink you away. I tried. I really tried. My agent would say you were only in my head, that it was going to take time, and I'd forget. But she was wrong, because eight years later, you are still there in the back of my mind and in my heart. You're a hard man to get over; you weren't supposed to be just a memory."
He swallowed hard. He knew exactly how she felt; he wasn't an alcoholic, but he came close. "I can relate to that; I could never drink you away either. Hell, I couldn't even hook up with a girl without thinking of you; I can't tell you how many times I wish the girl I was with was you."
Even though she didn't want to think of him with anyone else, she knew he turned into a man whore; at least that's what Shay called him after their breakup. Hearing him say that brought a smile to her face. She decided not to respond to what he said; instead, she continued on. "But unfortunately, alcohol wasn't my hardest battle."
"What do you mean?"
This part was going to be hard to talk about, especially with him. "I met this guy when I was in rehab; he helped me get through rehab and kick alcohol out of my life. But he introduced me to a whole new world, a world that I never wanted to see, a world I wish I never was a part of." She closed her eyes. "Because of this man and this new world, I isolated myself from everyone. He is the reason I cut everyone off for those two years. Well, technically one year, because it only took one year for him to fuck up my life."
Kelly was at a crossroads; part of him wanted her to continue; the other part of him heard enough and wanted to call it a night. He had a feeling about the new world she was talking about, and he didn't like it. He had a sense of where this conversation was going.
"James and I got out of rehab on the same day we exchanged numbers, and we just started talking daily and went to AA meetings together. He got me; he understood me, and it was nice to have someone to talk to about the experiences I went through with my alcoholism."
That part hurt; he got her and understood her. She could have reached out to him, but no, she chose some stranger. He didn't say anything; he just kept stroking her hair and listening to her.
"He was a sports writer for some magazine in New York. A month later, I was seven months sober. I got a call from one of my old directors who wanted to hire me for an upcoming movie, so I went back to LA, and James came with me. At first, I thought it was weird that he just up and moved to LA, considering he was in rehab to get better for his dying mom and his two kids that his ex took away from him when his alcoholism got worse."
"That is strange." He said, just letting her know he was still listening.
"When I questioned him about it, he said that his ex told him he had to be sober for a year before she would even take it into consideration for him to see his kids. And his mom told him to go to LA and be happy with me." She starts playing with his fingers like she used to. And he smiles while watching her do it. "So my mom helped me get an apartment in LA, and I started working again."
"I remember Shay talking about James and how happy you seemed to be."
"I was happy to be alcohol-free and working again. James was just a friend in the beginning, and I was determined to keep him as a friend because we learned in rehab and AA meetings that you should never get involved with another alcoholic. But I liked having him to talk to; everything between us was directly protonic. He moved in with me but had his own room. The deal was that we were going to help each other get back on track and better our lives. I was supposed to help him get better so he could see his kids again. And he was supposed to help me let you go."
Kelly was surprised by that.
"One night I came home from a long day on the set. My whole body hurt, and I had a really bad headache, and James made a suggestion about something I could take that would really relax me. He gave me these two purple pills and said they wouldn't hurt me; they would relax me. It was ecstasy, and I told him no; I said my Bayer body and back pills would do just fine. He kept on insisting and insisting until I just straight out told him that drugs were not something I ever wanted to do or try. "
"Good girl." He kissed the top of her head. "I'm sorry." He says immediately realized what he had done. "I guess old habits don't just die, huh?" He smirks.
Stella smiled. "It's okay; I actually missed those kisses. You were the only one to ever kiss my forehead and the top of my head."
"Because no one loved you as much as I did." He closed his eyes.
Her smiles fade at the end. Did meaning past tense. She sighed. "Anyways." She stood up, surprising Kelly with her sudden movement. "In our AA meetings, we do these steps, and one of the steps is forgiveness. I talked to my sponsor about you a lot, actually the whole group. And she encouraged me to reach out to you."
Kelly leans forward, more curious than ever, because she didn't reach out to him. "Why didn't you?" He asked.
She looks up at him. His curious blue eyes held so many questions and a little bit of remorse. "I did." She replied, and she watched as his face scrunched up in confusion. "I had everything written down, ready to read it all to you. But you changed your number."
He leaned back, closing his eyes. She's right; he got drunk one night and changed his number right after he pawned their engagement ring. "That was drunk, Kelly."
"I know that's what Shay told me."
"Why didn't you call Shay for my number?"
"One, I couldn't tell Shay about my alcoholism. So explaining to her why I was trying to get a hold of you would have been difficult. But I did end up calling her one day; she didn't answer, and then I remember you guys were on shift, so I called the firehouse, and some guy said you were out on a call." She looks down at the floor and says, "So I asked the guy if he could transfer my call to your dad's office, and he did."
"You called my dad?" He sat straight up, looking at her; she wouldn't look at him.
"I did." She whispered. "Your mom answered; apparently she was reorganizing his office; he was in a meeting." Her eyes were burning from holding her tears in and from all the crying earlier.
The way her voice cracks told him his mom said something that made her change her mind about reaching out to him. "What did my mom say?"
"She seemed a little bitter; she wasn't the sweet and forgiving woman I remembered." She wrapped her arms around herself. "She basically said that I should stay in the past, that I did enough damage to your heart. I told her I knew I broke you." She starts crying. "And she said, No, sweetheart, you destroyed him; you killed my loving, thoughtful, caring, happy boy. I apologized, but she said sorry was not enough, and then she proceeded to tell me...
Kelly was irritated and ready to have a big blowout with his mom. "Tell you what?"
"That you finally moved on and met someone, Rachel, I think the name was." She says, knowing for a fact that's the name, because she started disliking anyone named Rachel.
"Stella I...
"She said that you were starting to be happy again, and I needed to stay away. And let you finally be happy. You meant someone you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. And she hung up." She wiped her eyes. But kept her head down."I was more upset with Shay than anything. I couldn't understand why she wasn't honest with me; she told me that about a year after our breakup, you started randomly hooking up with girls like you were some rich Playboy who didn't want anything but sex. She never told me about Rachel."
Kelly couldn't believe what he was hearing. His mom was the reason she didn't reach out to him; his mom stopped them from possibly getting back together. "My mom lied, Stella. Rachel was my mom's coworker's daughter, who she kept trying to set me up with because she didn't like my new lifestyle. I never even went out with her; I never moved on. I never got over you; sleeping with random women without commitment was who I was turning into, because you were the only woman I wanted, the only woman I needed, and the only woman I ever loved. I had a hard time accepting that the woman I loved didn't want me anymore or love me anymore."
Her head snapped up. "Kelly, I never stopped loving you; I haven't been the same since our breakup, and I know it's my fault. But at the time, I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought it was best to let you go and for us to try and be alone for a bit. And the only thing I learned is that I need you desperately and that love just doesn't end because two people aren't together anymore."
He wasn't sure what to say to that; he was still irritated with his mom. If his mom had relayed the message that Stella called him, would they be together today?
"Honestly, I didn't think the breakup was going to last this long; we were so perfect together, and I knew we belonged together. But I guess I was wrong." She looks up at him; his face is still filled with confusion, and his eyes seem hurt and irritated.
"We probably would have been back together if my mom told me you called; I would have called you back or flew to LA and...
"Yeah, and I wouldn't have gone down the road I'm about to tell you about now." She gives him a sad smile. "But that's life, right?"
He was lost for words again; damn, his mom really messed things up.
"Kelly, don't be mad at your mom; she was only protecting her son's heart; she's still protecting your heart even now."
"What do you mean?"
"My first day at the hair salon, she came in for a trim. She knew I was back in town, but she didn't know I was working at the salon. My mom had me wash her hair, but she asked for someone else. So I went back to sweeping, and she said.
"What did she say, Stella?"
"She said, I understand why you came home; you wanted some help raising that adorable son of yours. But now that you're a mom, I hope you can understand when I ask you to please stay away from Kelly and let him be happy. Don't bring him into your drama." She sighed. "Please don't go off on her, Kelly." She knew him, and she knew he was annoyed with his mom. "She is just looking out for you; it's what mom's do." She walks back over to him.
"She had no right, Stella; she shouldn't.
"She was just worried about you getting hurt." She sat back down beside him. "You're her baby boy, and she felt it was her responsibility to protect you, especially from the girl who broke you." She shrugs. "I understand where she was coming from."
They stared into each other's eyes for a moment; no words were spoken. Stella's gaze darted down to his lips, then quickly back up to his eyes. She watches as his eyes drop to her lips, then quickly back to her eyes. It's been eight years since she's felt his lips against hers, and she wonders if he could still make her go weak in the knees. She misses kissing him; it used to be her favorite thing. His lips were always so warm and inviting.
Kelly's mind was in the same place as Stella's. Her plump pink lips were begging for attention, and he so desperately wanted to give them all the attention they desired. Eight years since he kissed those soft, moist lips, it was taking everything in him not to reach over and capture her perfect lips and a sensational kiss.
"Ahem!" Stella cleared her throat knowing their eye contact was prolonging a bit longer than it should. "Anyways, back to my story, I was completely crushed; even though I had no right to be, you moved on and you were happy; that's all I ever wanted for you."
"But I didn't move on." He grabbed her hand. Their eyes locked again. "I tried, but I couldn't get over you. My mom and dad wanted me to meet someone else; they gave me a year to soak and then said, It was time to let you go." He looked down at their hands. "My dad took me to a bar and said that I could still love you and slowly move on, that if we were truly meant to be, you would come back to me."
She watches him closely, her heart aching to hold him and tell him she did come back for him. But her mind said it was too late; too much time had passed, and it was best to get closure so they could both finally move on.
"I could have forgotten you; I could have made new plans; I could have found someone who wanted to spend time with me. Help me pick up the pieces and even fall in love again."
She drops her head and stares at their hands; he was holding her hand. She smiles; she missed this too, the way he would alway hold her hand.
He looks over at her and sees her looking down. "I told my dad if I had to choose between living without you and learning to love someone new. I'd rather miss you." He lifts her chin so he can look into her eyes. "I remember the first time I saw you, in the first grade, when you walked into Mrs. Sherrie's class. I knew you were special. You had on light blue jeans and a pink polka-dotted shirt, with white tennis shoes. Your hair was in a pink ribbon ponytail thingy." He smirks. "You had on a friendship bracelet; it was white, blue, green, and purple. You told the class those were your favorite colors, and you smiled so big, and I remember laughing because you were missing your two front teeth."
"You remember that?" She asked with a huge smile.
He caresses her cheek. "I remember everything." He replied softly.
His words had her heart fluttering and butterflies dancing in her stomach again.
"I remember telling you that we were twins because we were both missing our two front teeth." He smiled. "From the first time I saw you until the day we said goodbye, You were the best thing to ever walk into my life."
Her eyes filled with tears again. Lord, she cried so much that she's surprised she has any tears left.
"I told my dad that my plan was to keep waiting and pray that you'd come back to me again. I didn't want to invest myself in another relationship because someday you would come back to me. I just didn't think it was going to be eight years."
"Me either." Their gaze grew intensity. He leans in, and her pulse races. She knows he's about to kiss her. God, she had dreamed of this moment. As his lips get closer, she jumps up. "That's not a good idea." She says regretfully.
He rubs his head. "Yeah, I told you about old habits." He watches as she paces back and forth.
"The point of us getting together tonight was to talk and come clean about stuff. There is still stuff I want you to know."
He nods; he knows she's right, and he didn't actually plan on kissing her or trying to kiss her. She just looked so beautiful, and the smile she was wearing had his heart melting so much that he couldn't help but want kiss her. "Your right, no more interruptings."
She nods and takes a deep breath. "That night I went home and wanted a drink so desperately, but I had no alcohol in my place, and James wasn't home. I went into my room, and I saw the two purple pills on my nightstand. I remember James saying that they would relax me, so stupidly I took them. I needed something to kill the pain."
Kelly put his head in his hands as the realization hit him. She started taking drugs because she thought he had moved on and couldn't take the pain of losing him.
"I don't remember much afterwards, but I do remember waking up to James caressing my body and asking me how I felt. I guess he noticed I took the pills; he started kissing my neck, and I just laid there; I felt numb and sleepy."
Kelly shook his head. That bastard wanted to get her high so he could have sex with her.
"After that night, I became hooked. A few weeks later, we went to a party in Hollywood, and I was introduced to cocaine. Long story short, cocaine became my new best friend."
Kelly watched her as she continued talking and pacing back and forth. "I stopped answering my phone; I isolated myself from everyone but James; I lost my job again because I was too strung out half the time. I lost my apartment because all my money was going on crack. I ended up living with James's friend, who became my drug dealer. Eight months of cocaine and ecstasy had me so fucked up I didn't even know who I was anymore. I lost months of my life; I had no memories; I didn't even know what month or day it was. One morning I woke up in a jail cell; apparently I was arrested for sleeping in a private park; at least that's what the officers said; I don't remember anything."
"Why were you sleeping in the park?"
She looks at him with the most broken expression. "I honestly don't know; I don't remember anything. I remember getting out when James came and got me. I told him I wanted to get help, and he put me in rehab again. He didn't stay; he said he wasn't an addict and knew how to handle it. I couldn't do it; I spent three weeks in that place, and I was going insane. It was nothing like getting sober from alcohol. It was hell, pure hell. Someone told me I was suffering from all the classic withdrawal symptoms associated with giving up cocaine. It was only three weeks, and I was falling apart."
She was trembling and crying. He wanted to go hug her, but she had her walls up. So he let her vent; he knew she needed to talk it out. And he just needed to listen.
"So I checked myself out, stole forty dollars from the janitor, and took a cab back to my apartment. The only thing is that when I got there, no one was there. James and his friends were gone; all their stuff was gone. It was raining, and I had nowhere to go. I was walking around downtown LA looking for James; my phone was gone; everything was gone. I had no money, no ID; the clothes on my back were all I had."
Kelly couldn't believe what she'd been through, and he blames himself. She looked so fragile and tired.
"As I was walking around trying to figure out what to do, when in reality I just wanted a fix, That's when I..."
Kelly stood up and walked over to her; he had a pretty good idea what she was about to say. He pulled her into a hug.
"It's okay, we don't have to talk anymore." He kissed the top of her head.
"When he grabbed me, I tried fighting him. Kelly, I really did, but I was so weak. He threw me on the ground. I screamed. He hit me, I kicked him, I bit him, and... He stabbed me."
Kelly pulled back, looking at her. "He stabbed you." His voice cracks as he asks her.
She nods. "My left side, I scream in pain again. He said I can scream all I want; no one saves crack whores. I lay there bleeding out while he raped me; I must have passed out, because the next thing I know, I'm waking up in the hospital again.'
Kelly's eyes darken as his tears fall, thinking about the son of a bitch who hurt her; he stabbed her, and she could have died. He could have lost her all together; his anger was burning through his skin. Stella could tell he was angry; she felt him tighten up his grip, and she could feel how hot his skin was. "Did they catch the guy?"
"No, at least the last time I called, they hadn't. According to the Los Angeles Police Department, the odds of them catching a rapist are 50.8 percent."
Kelly closed his eyes as he tried to calm himself down.
"I was in the hospital for a few weeks, and Abby, the older nurse who helped me the last three times I was in the hospital, introduced me to her husband, who was a preacher. When I got out of the hospital, I went and stayed with them. Three weeks later, Abby and I went shopping, and I ran into James."
"And you went back with him." Kelly said he already knew the answer.
"Yeah, I don't know why. Abby and her husband helped me so much, even getting me into therapy to talk about what happened, but my stupid self went back with James, got back on cocaine a week later, and woke up in the hospital again."
"Why? What happened?" He was afraid it was an overdose.
"According to the paramedic, I was found unconscious again. Abby looked so upset with me." She sighed. "She came into the room that night and said, Stella, do you want to die?"
Kelly's eyes widened, but he couldn't blame Abby he would have asked the same question.
"I didn't respond; I just looked at her, and she said, You only get one life, Stella, and you are wasting yours on drugs and a drug dealer. I still didn't say anything; I just sat there like a five-year-old getting disciplined. Then she said something that took me by surprise, but not in a good way. She said if I told you right now that you were pregnant, would that give you the motivation to get clean and start bettering your life. I thought it was just a hypothetical question, but then she said, Stella, you are six weeks pregnant." Her voice was a low whisper. "I was in shock and denial, close to having a mental breakdown." She pulled back and looked up at Kelly, her sad brown eyes laced with uncertainty. "She showed me the baby on the monitor, and something just snapped in me. And I cried all night."
He pulled her back to him and hug her tightly. "I know you wouldn't be aborting it; you were against abortion. But why did you keep it?"
"I did think about abortion for a couple of weeks. But knowing I was pregnant pushed me into getting real help this time. It made me realize I needed to get myself together, or I was going to end up in an early grave. So I called my mom, and she flew out to LA. I told her everything, and she said that if I decided to abort it, God would forgive me because of the way the baby was conceived. And if I decide to keep it, she would support me. But Kelly, I couldn't do it. To me, the baby is an innocent third party and is not the perpetrator of a rape. I believed the baby was as much a victim as me, and no one is suggesting we kill the rape victim, so why kill another victim?"
Kelly never thought of it that way; it makes sense. The child didn't ask to be conceived.
"I know a lot of people would never understand why I chose to keep him, but Kelly, he really did save me. If I hadn't gotten pregnant, I would have never gone to rehab; I would have ended up back with James and back on drugs again. I wanted to die." She pulled away from him. "I felt alone in this big world; I felt like I had no one; I felt like I wouldn't be missed if I did die. But finding out I was pregnant made me want to live; abortion isn't a treatment for rape. It doesn't change what happened. It only creates more pain and suffering, and it actually kills a human being. I believed that by bringing the baby to term and optionally keeping the baby, I could bring some good out of the tragedy."
"I will never judge you for the decision you made because I don't know what it's like to be in a situation like that. But I'm happy that he made you take the steps you needed to take and get help."
"He did. I mean, I never dreamed I would be pregnant and in rehab, but it helped me so much. I attended group therapy, and so many women in my group were victims of rape—a stranger, their friends, their family, their drug deals. I finally started feeling like I wasn't alone anymore, like people do care about me. And I had this tiny human who needed me. Things were looking up, and I was starting to be happy again."
He smiled, glad that she was smiling.
"Thank you for letting me in; it means a lot."
Her smile fades. "As much as I love that we are connecting again, because honestly, I did miss you," She sighed. "I have to tell you something that is going to make you walk out my door and never walk back through it again. But I owe you the truth."
He carefully sat down, staring at her; she was nervously tapping her foot. She looked like she was about to cry again; he could tell she was scared to tell him whatever it was she felt he needed to know.
"I'm just going to say it; I've been holding it in for eight years, two months after our breakup, I collapsed on the set and was rushed to the hospital." She looks away; she can't see his face when she tells him. She's going to break his heart all over again. "I was pregnant, Kelly, with our baby, and I miscarried it."