"Miss Quinn, how delightful to see you again," said Reginald Pennyworth, Tetch's family butler, as he pulled up the car in front of the pub about twenty minutes later to see Harley still petting the cows. "I see you're making friends with the local livestock."
"Aw, hi, Pennyworth," said Harley, smiling at him. "You guys got any of these sweet little babies at Tetch Hall?" she asked.
"No, the late Lord Tetch was not an animal lover, unless it involved killing them," replied Pennyworth. "The current Lord Tetch does want it to be a farming estate so it will pay for itself, but so far we just have rabbits and pigs, not cows. I don't believe the latter feature in any of the Wonderland stories, so they're not of particular interest to him."
"But you could make a lotta money with cows selling milk and butter and stuff," said Harley. "And then he could breed them, and we could take some of the babies back to Gotham with us – they probably won't be as difficult to ship as a grown cow, and I'm sure they could make Mr. J some extra cash for Joker Enterprises. I'm gonna try to convince Jervis to get some."
"As you wish, miss," said Pennyworth. "Is he inside? I'll go and collect everyone's luggage…"
"Yeah, we came in kinda a hurry, and didn't have time to pack," interrupted Harley. "So there's no luggage to speak of. If we're going to be staying here for a while, we might have to do some shopping."
"We can certainly accommodate that, miss," said Pennyworth. "Although Tetch Hall is always suitably stocked for visitors – perhaps you can help yourself to some of the late Lady Tetch's outfits."
"I dunno that they'd be my style," said Harley. "Probably too fancy for little old me. Although I did like wearing the fancy gown and poofy hat when we snuck into Wayne Enterprises. I think you'd have been really impressed with my British accent too."
"Undoubtedly, miss," agreed Pennyworth. "What Englishman doesn't appreciate an American imitating his speech pattern? That's never been annoying in the least."
It was difficult to tell if he was being sarcastic, and again, Harley didn't pick up on it even if he was, since that had never been a skill of hers. Pennyworth entered the pub where Ivy, Two-Face, Crane, and Tetch all sat at the bar, nursing their drinks – Ivy had opted for red wine, while Two-Face held a pint of light beer and a pint of dark beer, one in each hand, which he was trying to drink simultaneously, with little success. Crane and Tetch were having tea, and glaring at the Joker, who was seated at the piano, leading a round of music hall songs with the rest of the patrons who sang along loudly and enthusiastically with him.
"Pennyworth!" exclaimed Tetch, noticing him and rushing over to embrace him. "It's so good to see you again!"
"And you, my lord," said Pennyworth, bowing. "Miss Quinn says your journey was rather unexpected, so there's no luggage for me to load."
"No, let's just get out of here quickly," said Tetch, heading for the door. "If I have to hear anymore drunken, tuneless sing-a-longs, I'm going to be put off music forever."
"Well, it looks like our ride's here, boys," said Joker, as he finished playing and leading the chorus to Don't Dilly Dally on the Way. "So I gotta say cheerio!"
"You're a great entertainer, Mr. Joker," said the landlord, as the entire pub groaned in disappointment. "Are you going to be performing in London?"
"I certainly plan to," agreed Joker with a grin. "But you can catch me performing every night in Gotham City. If any of you ever head stateside, look me up!"
He left the bar to thunderous cheers and applause, with the other Rogues following sullenly after him. "Seriously, why do people love him?" demanded Ivy. "He's a homicidal maniac who abuses his girlfriend, you know!" she shouted.
"Please, Pammie, none of those things matter as long as you're entertaining," said Joker, waving back at the pub. "People will forgive you anything as long as you're funny."
"Jervis, Pennyworth tells me you're making Tetch Hall a farming estate," said Harley as they joined her outside. "Maybe you could consider getting some of these neat cows, huh?"
"I'm not particularly interested in cows, Harley," replied Tetch.
"But you can get milk and cheese from 'em for free," said Harley.
"It's not free if you have to purchase the cows, is it?" he asked.
"I think you should try it out," said Harley, ignoring him. "And we could just take a couple of these with us, so we wouldn't have to buy any."
"We can't steal these cows – they belong to some local farmer," said Tetch. "Besides, I don't want cows…"
"Aw, c'mon, Tetchy, we might want a steak on short notice while we're staying at yours," interrupted Joker.
"We have an ample supply of beef in the larder of Tetch Hall…" began Pennyworth.
"You're not killing the cows!" exclaimed Harley, horrified. "I won't let you do that, Jervis!"
"I'm not taking the cows, so it's a moot point!" snapped Tetch. "Honestly, we just avoided trouble with the police, and now you want them to be set on us again for stealing livestock!"
"Yeah, and we'll just get rid of 'em the way we did last time," retorted Joker. "By saying we're the aristocracy, and we can take what we want. It's true, you know. Besides, nobody in this country has guns, so how are they gonna stop us from stealing? Come on, Harley, help me tie 'em up," he said, reaching into his pocket for a couple of never-ending handkerchiefs and tying them around the cows' necks. Then he tied the other end to the car bumper as everyone else piled inside.
"You're not really going to let him steal those cows, are you?" asked Crane.
"I really don't have the energy to stop him right now," sighed Tetch. "You have to learn to pick your battles with Joker, and this is a comparatively minor crime, after all. We'll just have Pennyworth return the cows after we're gone, along with a large sum of money for the inconvenience."
"It's bad enough him causing crime in Gotham, but to do so internationally is really beyond the pale," sighed Crane. "Why can't he just leave people alone?"
"Leave people alone?" repeated Joker, as he entered the car. "Where's the fun in that? Come on, Jeeves, let's beat it!"
"Very good, sir," said Pennyworth, starting the engine. "I'm very glad I brought the Land Rover – it's the only car powerful enough to pull the cows."
"I'm very glad her majesty bequeathed her Land Rover to us at her passing," agreed Tetch. "It's nice to have something to remember her by."
"Yeah, was that true in there, Tetchy?" asked Joker. "About you going to school with the king of England?"
"I did," replied Tetch. "His majesty and I still keep in touch, though he's understandably very busy as the reigning monarch."
"Do you think you could talk old Chuckers into getting me a knighthood?" asked Joker. "Or a lordhood, or whatever it's called, so I can be Lord Joker?"
"And what services to the crown would you have provided to warrant such an honor?" asked Tetch.
"You heard those people in there – I bring a universal service to all mankind by entertaining them," said Joker. "Which I have done for years, out of the kindness of my heart, not expecting any payment or honor for it. The reward is in the work itself, but I wouldn't say no to a knighthood."
"Personally, I think the greatest service you could give to the crown and indeed mankind is to stay very far away from them," retorted Tetch.
"But you'll ask Chuck, right?" asked Joker. "Call him up at home while you're here, as a favor to a friend?"
"We'll see," sighed Tetch.
"Don't drive too fast, Pennyworth – I don't want the babies to tire themselves out," said Harley, glancing out the back window as the car began to move, and the cows followed along behind.
"We should probably pick up the pace before the police arrive again though," said Tetch. "It's just embarrassing having them called on us twice in the same day."
"Speak for yourself – I'd prefer them to be called twice," said Two-Face. "But no more than that."
"Well, at least this is a real crime, unlike that last one," retorted Joker. "License to perform, honestly. Next thing you'll be telling me you need a license to kill!"
"Could we please have none of that while we're here?" asked Tetch. "I'd really just like to relax at home and not have to worry about being arrested for once."
"No promises, Tetchy," said Joker. "But as long as everyone keeps me happy, there shouldn't be any need to get all homicidal."
Unfortunately, the Joker was not going to be kept happy.