Bishop's body flooded with panicked sensations in record time.
What happened? Did she just pass out? From this dragon? From the frost Shout? That… that didn't happen! He would have been much more concerned if this was the purple Shout or something, but this one? She was used to this one! And it was not like this dragon was any more dangerous than any of the other ones. What the fuck?
His hands began to shake and he moved them from her cheeks to her neck instantly, pressing into her skin. A shot of panicked electricity ran through his spine and his chest tightened when he couldn't find the pulse, but he realized himself soon enough, fortunately, and readjusted the position of his hands.
Pulse. She was alive. It was quite slow. Or maybe he was imagining it and it was normal, but he couldn't tell anymore. He just focused on the fact that her heart was beating. That wouldn't happen if the dragon 'won', right? No… she must have just passed out. Like she had a few times before.
It happens. Calm down. Fuck. Calm down.
He just… needed to get her to Sondas. Yeah. Sondas was gonna make sure she was alright and she would just wake up soon enough. Like always. It would be fine.
He took a few steadying breaths and readjusted her in his grip again.
Calm down. Just grab her, grab the packs and get going. It's close. You'll be there soon and everything will be alright.
Packs were down by the slope. He could just grab them on the way. He needed to take them in case she came to and needed some emergency supplies, like some potions and such. Did she need magicka potions for exhaustion when this happened? Did it have something to do with magic? Was it like that weird field from the Eye of Magnus that it seeped out magic too? There was magic involved for sure, so…
Stop thinking about bullshit and go!
He began collecting her into his arms promptly, but as he grabbed a hold of her thigh, suddenly he felt some strange wet warmth on his bare hand.
He instinctively pulled the hand from under her and looked at it.
Was that… blood? From what? There was no way she was wounded! And her chainmail was not even broken anywhere. The blood came from under it.
Fuck. The frosty Shout had nothing on this. He felt like his blood itself turned freezing cold.
This just got a lot worse. Despite his attempts at telling himself to calm down, it no longer worked.
The world seemed to fall away around him and all he could see were the catastrophic scenarios playing in his head.
While all he needed to focus on was just getting her back to the village.
…
It was probably the worst time to come back to Darkwater Crossing.
Everyone was out of the mine again, having lunch. But Bishop did not even have the presence of mind to notice the shocked gasps and stares. Everyone took note instantly, of course, but he was only focused on his target. He needed to get Aeyrin to Sondas's house.
She hadn't come to the entire time. And he still felt the blood coating the hand holding her thighs. He wasn't sure if there was more of it now, but it felt like it.
He kept trying to hold her with his other hand so that he could check her pulse periodically. It was not exactly convenient in that position, but he did manage to feel it occasionally. He could also see her breathing, but his mind kept telling him that he was just convincing himself of that because he desperately wanted it to be true.
When he reached the house, he merely loosened his grip on her with one hand, then the other to shake off the packs he had collected before. It was in idiotic thing to do and now he was kicking himself for wasting his time even grabbing them, but he really hoped that she might wake up and he would just be able to help her and she would be able to heal whatever was wrong with her. But deep down, he knew that wouldn't happen.
Karnwyr was whining desperately the entire time. He found Bishop on the tundra when he was about mid-way back to the village and his desperate whines only made the situation seem more and more dire, as if that was even possible. He knew the wolf didn't mean to make things worse but he did. And Bishop didn't have it in him to reassure him too. He didn't even manage to reassure himself.
He kicked the door open forcibly and slipped inside. There was no time to waste.
"What in the Void?!" Sondas had been just sitting by a desk, mulling over some book. He stood up abruptly when someone barged in like that, but when he finally turned around and saw what the commotion was about, his face fell. "Get her on the bed. Quickly."
The only sound in the room were Karnwyr's continuous whines and the clanking of Aeyrin's armor as he laid her down on the bed. For some reason, it felt like an eternity until he stepped back and Sondas finally approached her. The wolf immediately began nuzzling his leg to comfort him, but there was nothing that could ease the situation right now.
"What happened?" Sondas first reached out to check her pulse as he asked.
"I don't know." Bishop couldn't even think straight. He wasn't even sure if he said it out loud.
"What do you mean? Did the dragon bite her or scratch her? Or use its magic? I need to know what I'm dealing with here!" Sondas practically growled at him in frustration, but it didn't take him long then to notice the blood that was softly smeared on the fur under her.
"She… passed out after it was dead. After the absorption," Bishop tried to explain. It kind of felt like someone else was doing the talking for him. Like he wasn't even there.
"Absorption? Oh… is that… the killing process?" Sondas looked at him uncertainly.
"Yeah. It… happened before," Bishop nodded absentmindedly. "Sometimes. When she's weakened or the dragon is strong or… I don't know."
"Why is she bleeding if she just passed out?" Sondas prodded again while he began to somewhat frantically undo the clasps of her armor.
"I don't know," Bishop answered again. It was a lie. Well… he didn't know. But it did occur to him. And Sondas needed to know right now. "She's pregnant."
Another whine from Karnwyr permeated through the room, but Sondas suddenly stopped. He only looked back sharply at Bishop. He certainly looked caught off guard.
"She didn't get wounded?" He asked uncertainly, but Bishop could only shake his head now. He was pretty sure he wasn't able to speak anymore.
"Alright. Just… go take your wolf outside and wait until I call you back," the elf sighed.
What?!
"No! I'm not going anywhere!" Bishop found his voice soon enough. He was not leaving her here. He needed to know what was going on. He needed to know if she was going to be alright.
"Please, let me work. I need to concentrate. I can't have you disturbing me and making me nervous," Sondas growled.
Fuck. Bishop didn't want to leave. But he definitely didn't want to disturb the concentration of the man who was currently trying to save Aeyrin.
He gritted his teeth and nudged Karnwyr. This better not take long. He couldn't stand it.
The last hour or two were already probably the most excruciating ones of his life. Was it even that long? It felt like it had been longer. But then again, everything felt like it happened only a moment ago. He couldn't make sense of anything.
His body felt oddly numb as he moved to leave the house.
He wasn't even sure if he actually was moving until he found himself outside and slumped against the wall of the building.
What was he supposed to do now?
…
Fucking Void, just stop. Stop it already!
It was pissing him off to no end. It was relentless! Nobody went back to work. Nobody moved from the fire. All of them just kept whispering and throwing Bishop wary and uncertain glances. They kept looking over at him and Karnwyr and he knew they wanted to talk to him. But they were too afraid to even approach.
Good. They should leave him alone. If only that applied to those fucking looks and whispers too.
When he considered their side of things, it made sense. He brought Aeyrin here, looking very lifeless, and he just went straight to Sondas. And for all they knew now, the only person capable of saving the world from the dragons was now dead.
Fuck. That applied to him too. For all he knew… she was.
Don't think about that. She was alive when you left. Sondas would only make things better.
He got why the people were concerned. But he was not going to be sympathetic to their panic and worries right now.
He was still sitting there on the ground, leaning on the wall of Sondas's house with Karnwyr softly whining by his side and his head resting on his thigh. Bishop only tried to absentmindedly rub his ear from time to time, but he couldn't even concentrate much on comforting his friend. He wasn't even sure if Karnwyr was the one trying to comfort him. There was nothing anyone could do to comfort him anyway.
Well, except for Sondas.
It was taking so long. It's been over an hour at least. Time was funny, but he was pretty sure of it.
He was just suffering the attention of the miners and thinking. Thinking about every catastrophic scenario that could happen now. Thinking about losing everything.
He had once before. It felt like he was still recovering from that in some ways.
Somehow he was sure he wouldn't never recover from this for the rest of his life.
Nothing would mean anything anymore.
Fuck. It all seemed so… inconceivable. They always battled danger. They always lived with the knowledge that anything could happen and they'd thought the other was dead many times before. Why was this different?
Was it? Maybe he just always somehow forgot about how bad this sinking dark feeling was. And then it came again and it always felt worse than ever.
Fuck. She was alive. She was alive when he put her in that bed. She wouldn't… bleed out or anything, right? Sondas would stop it.
Somehow, he wasn't even hoping for anything more than her being alive. He wasn't an idiot. He knew what the bleeding likely meant. But he also knew that it didn't have to end with her pulling through.
He just couldn't lose her.
He let out a deep sigh and leaned his head back onto the cold stone of Sondas's hut. The cold was a little comforting for a moment. But then it just made him remember the cold of that Shout and of Aeyrin's cheeks when he tried to warm her through the absorption.
Maybe for the last time…
Stop it! Fuck! Stop thinking that!
It took a while again and then, suddenly one of the miners seemed to finally get brave enough to start actually approaching Bishop.
Shit. That was the last thing he needed. All the questions, all the worried looks. As if that hadn't been too much from afar already.
"Leave me alone," he growled and the miner instantly turned on his heel and headed back to the fire, more worried than before.
That was the nicest he could be right now. He could not muster anything else. He didn't have it in him to be nice. Not only did that just not come naturally to him, but it was especially an effort when he felt like this.
He just wanted to do something. Do something to make shit easier to handle. Or something to help Aeyrin.
Idiot. How could you help her? You can't do anything. You can't help her, you useless fuck.
Some murmurs tore his attention away from his ruminations and he looked back towards the fire. Some people were finally leaving for the mine, now clearly convinced that they would not succeed in their mission to suss out any information from Bishop. Others, however, still huddled by the fire and began to murmur something with their hands clasped.
Were they… praying?
Fuck… this looked bleak. And what did that bullshit even ever serve? The Gods didn't care. And they weren't able to change shit. Why did people believe that? Did it really bring that much comfort, even if it wasn't true?
He could use some comfort.
Fine. Whatever. So, if you assholes up there really care, just… fuck, don't take her away from me. I don't care if you wanna smite me or whatever bullshit you do as a price, just don't take her away.
That was idiotic. It didn't help at all.
Nothing helped.
Not Karnwyr, not some internal reassurances, not some pointless prayers. The only thing that could help was seeing Aeyrin smile at him.
Then, suddenly the door next to him opened.
Bishop practically jumped up and Karnwyr let out a very startled bark at that motion. He was almost thrown off him like that.
He was up on his feet in no time, but the somber look Sondas was giving him did not fill him with much confidence.
"Come on in," the elf inclined his head.
Bishop was there within a second with Karnwyr in tow. He approached the bed with Aeyrin on it. She wasn't awake. She looked as lifeless as before. Now she was just unarmored and undressed with her body hidden by a blanket. There was a bucket of bloody washrags by the bed and her equipment was just tossed all over the floor – disposed of clearly in a hurry.
"I'm… so sorry."
Sondas's words echoed through the house like a strange chime. Like a bell tolling death. Bishop's vision darkened, only focused on Aeyrin on the bed. Everything looked hazy. But… her chest was moving. Was he really just imagining it now?
"I… I couldn't save the baby."
Oh.
That was what he was sorry about. Bishop felt a sting of pain at his words, but there was also an insane sense of relief there. He really thought he'd lost her.
Fuck. That was a weird thought. He… wasn't really sure how to feel.
It was… it was their child and it was gone. It was gonna be their child. And it did feel… bad. But…
Fuck, he just couldn't help the relief. And was it wrong? She was alive. And he kind of already suspected that the baby wasn't gonna be.
"Is she… she's gonna be alright, right?" He turned to Sondas desperately. That would be the last thing to just… end all his hopes and relief.
"She should be. I had to… uhm… the miscarriage wasn't… entirely complete. Longer time without a healer's attention could have brought about dangerous infections from the inside. Not to mention the unconsciousness. But… she should come to soon and there's no more danger from the… from the loss."
Bishop knelt by the bed and touched her cheek softly. It was not nearly as cold as before. That was… encouraging. She was fine. She was going to be fine. He was so fucking worried. So fucking convinced that she might die.
And she could have. What if she did wake up? What if she woke up and felt physically fine and then she'd get an infection like that and actually die.
Fuck. Don't think about that. It didn't happen. She's alive.
It was slowly dawning on him. He moved closer to kiss her forehead firmly, again trying to reassure himself. But she was alive. Warm.
She was.
But the baby was gone.
What even happened? Why did this happen? How did the absorption do this? Or did the passing out do this? Was that possible? He didn't understand anything.
"What happened?" He stood up and faced Sondas again while Karnwyr kept trying to rub his head on Aeyrin's limp hand hanging over the edge of the bed.
"Well… you might know better than me," Sondas sighed. "She miscarried. She wasn't too far along, as you probably know, so… it shouldn't have many physical effects. Possibly similar to the cyclical bleeding. Maybe a little more discomfort. The unconsciousness was similar to one you would see from exhaustion. And… as for why… I really can't say. I examined her – there were no wounds on her body, no contusions. Sometimes these things happen without a reason we can see, but… you said it happened during the… absorption, was it?"
"Yeah," Bishop sighed as he slumped against another wall, this time right next to the bed so that he could reach Aeyrin. He needed to touch her constantly to make sure she was there. The world still felt hazy and like a dream and he needed something to make him feel like it was all real. "She… absorbs the dragon's soul. That's how it's dead for good. Paar… uhm… one of the Greybeards once said that it was a 'battle of wills'. That she could… well… lose. I don't know what that means exactly. But every time she absorbs one, she has to kind of… fight it. Endure it. I don't know. She didn't join the battle so that… so that we wouldn't risk something happening, but…"
There was no preventing that absorption. And he thought that if they were ready like this, it would be easier. It would be better than getting caught off guard by a dragon on the road or in a city. Or worse, like that shit that happened in Whiterun when the dragon was caught in Balgruuf's trap and Aeyrin had no idea what was coming.
"So… she can die from it?" Sondas raised his brow in concern.
"I… I guess," Bishop sighed. It was a constant thought, but it was also not one he actually ever believed happening. He did worry it happened today, but… it was odd. He was in quite a state, but he felt like if he actually really knew she was dead, it would have been much, much worse.
"Hmm…" Sondas nodded. He kept looking like he had more answers than he was divulging. It was making Bishop nervous.
"What?" He growled. He was in no mood for coyness.
"I just… wondered. Well… I don't really know how the whole Dragonborn thing works. I know it can be hereditary. And if this… quality forms right with the first magic creating a new being… well…" the Dunmer pondered.
"You think it was the kid that absorbed the soul?" Bishop scoffed at the notion, but he felt a chill run down his spine immediately. Was that… possible? No. It shouldn't be. It needed the blood and soul of… well… Aeyrin didn't need the Dragonborn blood to absorb the souls. They found out when she was a werewolf that the altered blood had no effect on that part.
"Is it that too far-fetched of a theory?" It was a genuine question out of Sondas, but Bishop didn't really find it in him to react to that. He was fully absorbed in the implications of this crazy idea.
"No… that would mean… that would mean she might never be able to…" The dragons were everywhere. They could barely go a month without Aeyrin having to absorb one! And... that 'speckle of magic' didn't have any 'will' to withstand a dragon's soul.
Maybe killing Alduin would just make them all go away somehow. Maybe.
And did every child of a Dragonborn really have to be one too? That was… it wasn't inherited in her case, was it? Faldaen was sure as fuck no Dragonborn, but… Aeyrin didn't really know anything about her mother. Fuck, this was confusing.
"Maybe… maybe you should talk to those Greybeards again, friend. They would probably know more. It was… it was just a baseless theory," Sondas gave him a sympathetic smile.
Right. Right. Yeah. It was just some idle chatter.
Fuck. He just needed to focus on the fact that Aeyrin was alive and that she was going to recover. Physically at least.
Not on what was lost. And everything that could be still lost in the future.
After all, how could he feel this pain about losing something he never had in the first place? It was just this… idea he was barely starting to wrap his mind around.
His hand tangled in Aeyrin's hair for comfort as he tried to focus on what mattered.
She was still here.
…
It's been several hours.
Sondas came back from time to time to check on Aeyrin's vitals, but she was doing well, apparently. So he just left Bishop and Karnwyr there in his house alone. He gave Bishop a chair to sit on by the bed, despite him wanting to just lie down next to Aeyrin. But Sondas was against that until she woke up. Bishop wasn't sure why, but he said something about discomfort and too much heat making it worse. That was bullshit. Aeyrin loved being hot and she was always more comfortable in his arms.
But fine. He was not gonna disobey Sondas now. Not after all he'd already done for them.
He just stayed on his chair, continuously stroking over Aeyrin's hair, while Karnwyr kept alternating between them both – nuzzling into Bishop's legs or Aeyrin's hand.
Sondas said she would wake up soon, but it was taking a long time. It was making Bishop nervous. And it gave him time to think.
Time to think about what would happen if Sondas was wrong and she didn't wake up, even though she just looked like she was asleep. Time to think about how he would tell her what happened. Time to think about what actually happened. What they lost. What could have been.
Lately, he was starting to turn around on the whole thing. The timing was horrible. It was outright insane. But… when he kept trying and trying to focus on the positives, he started to get images in his head. First, it started with remembering Zoeya. Remembering seeing Jules's smile and eyes on her, even when she was just this tiny Breton that had no distinctive features, he saw it. And he was thinking about how it would be to look at this little elf and see Aeyrin and himself.
That went on. He imagined teaching a little elven boy to hunt, to be comfortable in the wilderness. He imagined Aeyrin teaching him healing magic so that no scrape or cut would faze him.
It didn't last long. He had only been able to think about these things the last few days when he was really trying. And it was always as a coping mechanism to those catastrophic thoughts of assassins kidnapping his child to finally kill him. Or worse, killing the kid. And of course, the thoughts of the cottage he hoped to spend the rest of his life with Aeyrin in, burned to the ground with a black dragon flying over it.
But even if it was just a pleasant escape from the more inevitable, it started to feel a little real.
And now it wasn't.
He just lost something. And he wasn't sure how it happened. He told himself he didn't want this in the first place, but the truth was, he did. Just not now.
But… he didn't want it gone like this.
Suddenly a movement interrupted his deep thoughts. Aeyrin nuzzled into the touch of his hand on her hair, but right after that, she whimpered a bit and curled up on the bed.
Fuck! She was awake! Kind of…
Was she in pain? A deep scowl formed on her face and she whimpered a bit once more. Sondas didn't say anything about pain. He said she might feel some discomfort.
"Princess?" He couldn't hide the worried tone, even though he was planning to be comforting for her.
"Bish? What… what happened?" She straightened up and looked up at him. She recognized Sondas's house. They'd been here a bunch of times, but she had never been a 'patient' of his. The last thing she remembered was the cold.
The absorption. Did she pass out again? She felt strange. She couldn't describe it. Her stomach was tense, but that wasn't so strange, surely. Worse was the feeling she got.
Bishop looked… somber. Why? He would usually be beyond excited having her wake up from passing out.
"I'm… I'm sorry, love," Bishop let out a forlorn sigh. Should he say he's 'sorry'? Well… he was. Was she going to be? He knew she would be beating herself up over not being sorry, just like she had been beating herself up over not being excited. And he would rather she wasn't upset at all. He didn't care if he was alone in this feeling of loss. He just wanted her to be alright.
"'Sorry'?" She blinked at him uncertainly. What did he mean? What was he sorry about?
"Something happened," his brows furrowed. It was hard to even say out loud. Especially now that he had spent hours thinking about it. "After the absorption… or during or… I don't know…"
"Bishop," she urged him. He was uncharacteristically stammery and it was making her feel even more nervous.
"The baby's gone, love," he let out a deep sigh as he said it. He had been agonizing over how to say it for a while now and he didn't come up with anything. There was no way to say this that sounded… right. "You… passed out and… I tried to carry you and noticed you were bleeding. I took you here, but… it was too late."
"Oh."
Wait… what did he just say?
'Gone'? Just… gone? Just like that?
At first, she felt nothing but confusion. Or maybe just nothing. She wasn't able to process this. She barely woke up, felt sore and tired and achy, but she didn't remember why properly. She remembered the dragon and feeling cold. But that was… normal. And now it was just… gone?
When the thoughts slowly began to form, a wave of uncertainty and guilt washed over her. It was… over. She didn't want this. She didn't want it to end like this. Did she? She was scared and she didn't expect to get pregnant nor did she want to be. Not now. It was all entirely out of the blue and staggeringly upsetting, and now it was just… gone. And it was all the same all over again. Staggeringly upsetting.
She tried to force herself to think about the upside. When there was not much she could manage to think before but the downsides of this pregnancy, it should have been easy. But even that made the guilt so much worse.
What kind of a horrible person tries to reassure themselves about something like this?
She felt everything wrong, not how anyone should feel, from the start to the very end. She wasn't excited and she wasn't happy and now her first instinct was trying not to be sad. Who does that?!
She should be devastated. Was she? Wasn't she? She didn't even know. The mess of what she should feel and the desperate attempts at trying to finally stop feeling so guilty and horrible all the time were making such a mess in her head. It was so hard to tell what was real anymore and what was the product of her incessant ruminations about how a 'normal person' should feel.
And again she was just thinking about herself. Why was she like this? She hated everything about how she had been feeling lately.
It was all her fault. She didn't want the baby and now it was gone. Maybe the Gods did this to show her how stupid she'd been. And she was just trying to come to terms with it, to focus on the positive just like Bishop was trying to do. And now it was gone. As if someone just said 'too late'.
She had no idea how much time had passed. Bishop looked at her with palpable concern and she was only now really able to focus on seeing him. He didn't look great. He did look devastated. Was he? She knew he wanted this. Not now. Neither of them wanted this now, but he wanted this someday. And maybe she did too. Even after a month or so of being pregnant, she was still not actually capable of wondering whether she would ever want this. Because it was pointless. It was happening whether she wanted it or not.
But now it wasn't. And he was the one trying to see it like they were supposed to. And now it was… gone.
"Are you… are you alright?" Her voice was quiet and she felt like it trembled a little. Why was she so terrified of asking that question?
Bishop looked at her in shock instead of responding, like he had not expected that question at all. There was an excruciating moment of silence before he spoke, but now he just looked uncertain.
"Like… from the fight? I'm fine," he narrowed his eyes. Was he just being evasive or did he genuinely think she was asking about that?
"No!" She almost scoffed at how ridiculous it was of him to assume she asked about that. Well… under normal circumstances, it would hardly be ridiculous to worry about his health, but he was here, alive, in a healer's house, so he was very likely alright. Physically.
"I… what? Me?" He gaped at her. How was she worried about him not being alright? She was the one that…
"Yes. Are you alright?" She asked again insistently. She had no idea what answer she even expected or wanted. Did she want him to not be crushed by this because then she could try and feel the same? And it wouldn't make her so… horrible. She still didn't know how she felt. She was too afraid to let herself ponder on it.
Bishop deflated instantly. He understood why she was asking. He got it. But she didn't understand. She kept worrying about him wanting the baby. He did. But he also didn't. He wasn't ready. The timing was fucked up and right now, it was just another importing thing to lose. And… it was lost now. He felt… a strange sensation in his chest when he thought about it, when he imagined the positive scenarios he had been in the past few days. But then there were other feelings. And out of them… one was stronger than anything.
"I thought I'd lose you."
He didn't know what else to say. He wasn't even sure if he could talk any more. Just the thought of that again made him feel like his throat was closing. But Aeyrin just kept looking at him oddly and he had no idea what she was thinking and it made him weirdly nervous. So he just fought through it to explain.
"I thought I'd lose you and I can't… you're gonna be fine. And I can't not be relieved about that."
Aeyrin wasn't sure what it meant. It must have been horrible for him. How long was she passed out? But what did he mean? He wasn't devastated about the loss? Or was he just not telling her because he thought she wouldn't be? Was she?
It was strange. It was exhausting. All these questions swirled in her head, making her feel worse and worse by the second. And each of them was accompanied by the gnawing guilt that she just kept thinking about how she was feeling instead of the… well… the 'speckle of magic'. It was just that, wasn't it? But somehow it was so much more, even if physically it wasn't yet. Somehow it was all the implications of what was to come – the very scary ones and the much less prominent happy ones that kept surfacing over and over. All those implications were now gone. And it felt… empty.
"We… it was never really…" Bishop stammered a little as she remained silent. He had no idea what to say, so he just said what he kept trying to tell himself in his mind. "It's been a month or two or… it was… how can you miss something you never had?"
"Do you?" Now Aeyrin felt her voice really quiver. All the thoughts kept poking and prodding at her and she just felt overwhelming despair over how little control she had over them. She didn't feel like she had it in her to even wonder what it would mean if Bishop missed it. And she certainly didn't feel like she had any strength of mind left to tackle the question of whether she missed it. She just felt like crying.
"I… I guess. I guess I kinda do," Bishop sighed. "I just… sometimes I actually thought of him in better ways than… than a responsibility I'm not ready for. I miss those thoughts, I guess. Now I know they're not gonna be real. Not anytime soon. Which is a good thing, logically, but…" He gave up on finishing the stream of thoughts. He didn't even know how it was supposed to end. It hurt to let go of the nice thoughts. And it made him feel guilty to let go of the bad ones. He wasn't sure why.
Aeyrin stopped staring at him so intently at last, though it was hardly better that way. Instead, she shifted on the bed and curled up, hiding her face by pressing it against her knees covered in the blanket. Was she in pain?
Fuck. Did he need to call Sondas?
But a stifled sob let Bishop know soon. It didn't sound like a pained one. Well… not physically at least. And another low whine from Karnwyr could only confirm that he sensed her distress. He didn't disturb them much throughout their talk – he could always sense when shit got serious. But the sound of her crying was clearly too hard to ignore, even for the wolf.
"Sweetheart," Bishop let out another sigh, this time a palpably sympathetic one. She felt much further away from him like this so he got up from the chair and moved to kneel on the floor to face her hiding face. He still kept his hand in her hair throughout that, stroking her gently.
She did stop hiding, but tears didn't stop flowing from her eyes as she tried to blink them away and look at him. Her voice was choked up when she finally spoke, but it was almost too quiet to hear.
"I'm a horrible person," she sobbed again. It was the only sentence she could let get out. And even saying that made her feel just more guilty. Why do you keep making this about yourself?! Why? Why when Bishop was clearly hurting? Why when she should be hurting too and thinking about the baby they just lost?
"What? Why would you think that?" Bishop shook his head quickly. "If… if it's because you don't miss him it's… that's a stupid thing to feel bad about, princess. There was never anyone to miss."
"I… I don't know! I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what I feel. I just… I should be feeling bad and instead I just… I keep thinking about myself. And… I didn't want this in the first place and now it's just… gone and… and I feel the wrong way about everything and I'm a horrible person. And see? I'm making this about myself again." She wasn't even sure what she was saying anymore. It all just spilled out along with her tears. And she could barely register that Bishop finally gave up on trying to approach her with a sensitive distance and he crawled into the bed beside her. He left her the blanket to wrap herself in and hide herself however she wanted, but he squeezed her tightly in his embrace despite it.
"Love… that is stupid," Bishop moved his hand from her hair and to her cheek, stroking over it comfortingly. He almost wanted to chuckle affectionately at her, but he couldn't quite muster it. Still, weird as it was, seeing her in her despair and overwhelmed panic, he still couldn't help but think how fucking relieved he was to have her here alive.
"Thanks," Aeyrin did actually chuckle as she tried to wipe her eyes unsuccessfully, but it was more of an exhausted and desperate kind of chuckle.
"It sounds shitty to say, but it doesn't matter how you feel about it. It's… it's fucked up. All of this is fucked up and confusing. If you don't have to feel shitty, that's a good thing. And stop thinking about yourself like that, please. It wasn't true when you didn't want him and it's not true now, however the fuck you feel."
It was… nice to hear. Kind of. But it only pulled her focus to something else and the feelings didn't pass in the slightest. All that guilt only multiplied. This was not the first time she heard him say it and it felt as if someone squeezed her heart painfully whenever he did.
"'Him'. You keep saying that. 'He'," she sobbed. She couldn't help it. She suspected she knew the answer to the question she didn't ask and it only made everything feel somehow more tragic.
"I do?" Bishop felt a little caught off guard. He didn't even notice it. But… well… it wasn't that strange, was it? "I… I guess… that's what I've been… imagining when I tried to… imagine it."
Yup. She knew it. That made it worse. He had these images in his head he was getting excited about and now it was all gone in a matter of… how long has it even been?
"I don't know…" he sighed. "It's the only thing I could imagine, I guess. Fuck, if it had been a girl, I would have gone crazy. I have enough trouble chasing away lechers leering at you," he tried to chuckle, but it didn't come out right. He just didn't have it in him.
"Who says lechers won't be after a guy?" Aeyrin attempted to smile too, but it came out uncertain.
"You're right. With the two of us, that kid is gonna be irresistible," now Bishop did manage to let out a little amused snort, but Aeyrin didn't answer with any quips of her own. Instead, she suddenly burst into quiet sobs again and pressed her face into his shirt to hide it once more.
Fuck. That wasn't a great discussion right now. And he still… he still didn't tell her Sondas's 'theory'.
He was still struggling with even acknowledging that. He couldn't even think of the implications of that. Not about the whole 'inheriting this fucking Dragonborn' thing, nor the whole 'every absorption could kill any future babies' thing.
Ah, fuck, now he was thinking about it!
It was just a theory of his. Calm down. He doesn't know shit. YOU don't know shit.
No. He had to think about something else. Like his fiancé crying in his embrace. He had to reassure her somehow. She kept saying she doesn't feel bad as she should, but that was bullshit. Just looking at her made it clear. And who the fuck was to say how anyone should feel?
"I think I knew it happened," Bishop squeezed her harder to himself, but he was careful not to obstruct her hearing as he began to stroke over her hair again. "When I saw the blood I… I think I knew. But I didn't care. I thought it might actually kill you. Shit like this happens all the time. And I knew he was already gone and I didn't care." He didn't have it in him. Not when Aeyrin was in danger. Not when her life might have been on the line. He was sure… well… he hoped it would have been different if the idea of the kid wasn't so fresh, or if he was already around to take care of, but as it were, he could not care when there was Aeyrin to worry about.
She needed to hear this. She needed to know it wasn't some unique flaw of hers to not default into constant thoughts about the lost baby.
"Really?" She sniffled a bit. She didn't know what to think of that. Right now, with where her mind was, her first instinct was to feel guilty for making him worry so much he didn't even think about the baby.
"Yeah. It was… it was like nothing when I could have lost you. The whole shit about missing him… I only had time to think about that now, when I know you're gonna be alright," he tried to explain more.
"And… you don't feel bad about that?" She asked uncertainly.
"I feel bad in general, just… not for worrying about you. You need to stop doing this, princess," he sighed. It was not that he didn't understand the reaction to all these changes, he just hated watching her do that to herself. "You've been beating yourself up over every thought in your head since we found out."
"But it's all my fault." She knew it was crazy, but she couldn't help think it. She quickly hid her face into Bishop's shirt before he could actually look at her like she was crazy.
"What? How is any of this your fault?" It didn't help. Even without seeing his face, she knew what look accompanied that tone.
"It was my fault we went after that dragon. That stupid 'only Dragonborn' thing and me not being able to tell them to leave me alone. Take your pick," she sniffled. "I was the reason we were there and…"
"It could have happened anytime! You didn't even risk yourself. You didn't even get hurt. We couldn't have been more ready. And you really think that we would have made it nine months without running into a dragon? It could have been worse." It could have been later, much more dangerous and very likely much more heartbreaking.
Wait… what did he mean? He thought that it could happen with every dragon she encountered? She… didn't really understand much yet. She didn't even think about it too much. Was it just a coincidence or…?
"Princess, please, don't blame yourself," Bishop interrupted her ruminations. It was nobody's fault. "It's… it's not a bad thing not to feel shitty."
"I do feel shitty," she mumbled against his shirt. "I'm just not sure what about anymore."
"Well… do you feel relieved?" He asked carefully. He did. A bit. About some things. Maybe it was getting to him too. Trying to reassure Aeyrin always helped him keep his mind off his own struggles, but somehow, today, it wasn't as effective.
"I… I don't know. I don't think so. Everything feels… worse. But… we lost something we didn't want..." She was trying to think of reasons why to feel relieved, just to get a moment's respite from the despair, but the second she thought that, the guilt washed over her again in force. She felt so exhausted from all this. She didn't want to feel bad, but the second she tried not to, she felt so guilty for trying.
She couldn't talk anymore. She buried her head back into Bishop's chest and continued to sob quietly. The tears were back within moments and she felt even too tired to fight them. Not even Bishop's reassuring squeeze made it better.
"It's… gonna be alright, love," Bishop held her tightly, but just then he wasn't sure if it was for his sake or hers. His voice sounded a little hoarse too. This was getting gradually harder and harder to both talk about and think about. But it was just… just the shock and everything. Things would get better overtime. They always did. "We'll… we'll be able to forget him soon."
Gods, why did that sound even worse? She knew it had to happen. They had to move on from this, no matter the current feelings. But forgetting it made her feel so guilty again. And Bishop's wording didn't help one bit. It made it all so much more real in her head.
"Please, stop saying 'him'," she sniffled into his shirt before her voice left her again. Her throat felt constantly constricted and choked up.
"Why?" Bishop scowled a bit. Did it matter? It was just a word. It was how he'd been thinking about the kid for the last few days.
"Because…" Aeyrin tried to speak, despite how hard it felt. She needed to explain it so that he would stop though. She couldn't take this. "Because I need my head to… to stop imagining him." She saw the images she suspected Bishop did lately. But then they all dissipated a second later when the truth of it hit her.
Gone. Just like that.
Bishop merely muttered a curse under his breath. He didn't really realize he was making things harder for her. Maybe he was making it harder for himself too, thinking about it as a… person. But he'd been trying so hard to start looking at the baby as what it could be for them, not just the inconvenience it had been because of this shitty timing. And now he needed to let this all go again.
Maybe it would be easier in the morning.
Or if he went to get some air.
Aeyrin was still quietly sobbing, and as much as the sound of that pained him, it was better than if she were talking more. She would ask eventually – about what he meant when he mentioned the dragons and how this could happen anytime.
He was just… not ready for more difficult conversations. Especially not one he was still trying to wrap his head around.
Fuck, he needed a break. Just a moment's respite from all this.
But there was no escape from any of it.
…
Another hour or so passed and they didn't talk anymore throughout. Neither of them probably even could talk.
They just stayed on the bed, huddled together in a tight embrace. It took a while, but Aeyrin eventually stopped crying. Not that it helped. Now she just felt oddly empty. She had no idea how Bishop felt, but her guess was 'not great'. He kept squeezing her, unwilling to let go, and there was a permanent crease between his brows.
Sometimes Aeyrin wanted to ask him how he was doing, but it was such a stupid question. Nothing about this situation felt good, even if logically there were… upsides.
And just thinking about those made her feel guilty again. It was a never-ending cycle.
And it was almost a relief when the door to Sondas's house opened, even though she didn't really want to see anyone or talk to anyone.
"Ah. You're awake," Sondas smiled a bit when he saw them there. There was palpable pity and sympathy in that smile too. Gods, she hated getting looks like that. But she had been expecting it from the man at least. Of course, after what happened. But then he turned his gaze to Bishop. "Why didn't you call me? I should still check her vitals. And I told you, the heat might…"
"Sondas," Bishop groaned in exasperation. The elf must have seen they kind of needed to be together just now. And that they obviously needed to talk alone.
"I… I know. I'm just… trying to help," Sondas lowered his head a bit and made a gesture with his hands to chase Bishop away. It was probably a good idea to let him check on Aeyrin.
"She's alive. You did more than I could ever thank you for," Bishop sighed as he untangled himself from Aeyrin reluctantly in order to get off the bed. He did press an affectionate kiss on her forehead before he did leave her though.
"Still, I'm sorry," Sondas said somberly before he turned to Aeyrin. He rightly suspected she hadn't been told everything yet. "It wasn't as… straightforward as one might wish in this situation. And… I did study what to do, but this was the first time I actually… had to do it. So… if you don't mind, I'd prefer you stay for a day or two. I'd rather keep an eye on you for a little while."
Aeyrin nodded her head at his as she continued to huddle in the blanket alone. What did he mean 'not straightforward'? Did she even want to know?
"Good. How are you feeling? Physically, I mean…" Sondas approached a little nervously as he pressed his palm on her forehead. Would she have a fever? She wasn't sure what he was checking for. This kind of thing was on par with childbirth and social diseases at the temple – clerics never got trained in that. And her studies of these things were marginal at best. But Sondas looked like he knew what he was doing.
What did it matter though? The baby was already gone. She wasn't sure what else he could be doing. But if he wanted her to stay, it wasn't as if they needed to leave. Thinking about where to go and what to do sounded really hard right now anyway.
The elf felt her temperature and then his hands lit up and he pressed them to her stomach through the blanket. He seemed satisfied with the results.
"So?" Sondas prodded.
Oh. She forgot to answer, lost in her thoughts as she was.
"Alright… I guess. My stomach feels a little odd. But… I think I'm fine."
"Good. That should be alright. I'll check on you later again," Sondas smiled softly. "You can stay here and I'll take the tent instead. Don't worry about any of it. I'll bring you two food and water too if you need."
"I'm not an invalid, Sondas," Bishop tried to smirk a bit. "You don't have to wait on us."
"I'm just… trying to help," the man lowered his head again somewhat bashfully. Of course he was not sure how to act, but the exaggerated concern was only making things worse.
"I know," Bishop nodded. There was a bit of a tension forming in the room though. None of them knew what to do in this situation and Sondas's presence was becoming more and more jarring. He must have felt it too.
"I will… leave you to your privacy. If something happens, come get me immediately. If not… I'll just come to check on you from time to time," the elf nodded. "And again… I'm sorry. It was too late already when you…"
"Thanks, Sondas," Bishop quickly interrupted him.
There was no need to rehash this. It's been rehashing itself in his head over and over again anyway.
He missed the quiet. He didn't want to talk to anyone about anything anymore.
Hopefully they would be just left alone now again to wallow in their misery.
There was not much else they could do now anyway.