WELCOME MY BEAUTIES FOR THE FOURTEENTH EDITION OF THE KICK-ASS STORY, THE BATTLE CATS: X! THE STORY BASED OFF OF THE HIT MOBILE GAME, SIT BACK, RELAX, AND ENJOY THIS STORY.
It was a fine winters day in Saudi Arabia. Fine day for a country with a lot of oil rigs at least! The Battle Act members are enjoying a workout session. Bob is bench pressing with large rocks. Cat is doing sit ups on the ground. Tank Cat is stretching. Axe Cat is sharpening his axe. Gross Cat is doing pull ups on a tree branch. Cow Cat is doing laps around the backyard. And Bird Cat is flying through several trees nearby the Cat Base.
Cow Cat: Ah, lovely weather for an old run in the wind! Eh boys? he continues to run across
Tank Cat: You could say that again! he smirks as he glances at Cow Cat
Cat: This is the Saudis fellas! It can get quite interesting here, with all the oil, and the unpredictable ground.
Bird Cat: So, there is a chance that we could be flattened by the ground crumpling from the oil rigs!? he gasps in fear as he gets distracted and lands on a tree Ow!
Gross Cat: Hey! Watch where you're flying. You could have killed me with that speed. he mumbles as he attempts to re focus on his pull ups
Cat: We're here to obtain Oil! Not get murdered by it. We just need to obtain the Oil Treasure variants so we can get the hell out of here.
Axe Cat: But I like this place. Perfect temperature, perfect people, perfect weaponry. It is full of everything a Cat like me could dream of!
Bob: he is counting his bench presses 56, 57, Oh yeah, I believe we could make great memories in this place. And that's saying shit, considering all of the pain in the asses this place has to offer as well. he flicks his toothpick which he somehow has in his mouth despite his position Overall I really like this place, I've liked every place I've been to really...
Bird Cat: I am still wary of the oil rigs in this place...he lands down and sits on the ground
Tank Cat: Oil makes my fur all tingly, one time I took a splash of oil to protect Axe Cat from a surprise oil attack, because I thought it was like water. Yet it was really thick and it made my fur all sticky. It smelled pretty awful too, I had to shower for two consecutive days.
Axe Cat: It was two consecutive hours but alright...he smirks as he drops his axe I just didn't want Matilda to get ruined.
Tank Cat: So I had to pay the price of getting my fur all sticky? he rummages though a certain patch This piece of fur is still on me from when I took the oil...and it's all clambered in one spot. I can't get it separated.
Axe Cat: Yes, and don't worry, I can slice it off. he smirks as he charges at Tank Cat with his axe, to his fear
Cat: he blocks them Okay, nobody is slicing off anybody's fur! We have a mission to complete, and treasure to obtain! If we don't do any of it, we might as well be considered shit at fighting.
Bob: Yeah, I just want to fucking get this over with. Mas eu quero ver o pelo ser cortado também. (But I wanted to see the fur get cut off too)
Gross Cat: Say Bob, shall we deal with these enemies now? We got everyone...except Pigge or Jackie Peng! he grins
Bob: Why of course we shall, tall kitty! But, according to what you said, we aren't dealing with every enemy. If we aren't facing Pigge or Jackie Peng.
Gross Cat: IT WAS A SPUR OF THE MOMENT THING! Also, there are way more than just those six (or eight, considering Those Guys as independent enemies each) enemies! No, let me tell you. There's at least twenty enemies that I know off!
Bob: baffled TWENTY!? Jesus Christ...Well, it's not like we're facing them all now, are we? Let's get a move on and make it out before the enemies all do. Then we can focus on potential new enemies.
Cat: I didn't ask you to join us for no reason! he grins brightly You all heard him, let's get our asses out of here and fight some enemies.
Outside of the Cat Base, The Battle Act made it out earlier than the enemies as per usual. But now what is standing out is the enemy base presented right in front of their very eyes. It is a stereotypical Saudi Arabian base based off of your average Oil Rig. It has recreated rock made from wood as the main building. And has towering rigs with chimneys smoking out carbon dioxide. Forget about liquid being recreated from wood. We got gas recreated from wood! That's highly impressive.
Cow Cat: I should probably invest in an oil company. I could start a professional company with it! Make a quick buck from it. You never know!
Bob: Holy hell yes! I could go for some money. Let's get some real gym equipment, rather than all of the "sciencey" bullshit you guys are buying with spare money. he smirks as he cracks his knuckles
Tank Cat: Oh I believe I can see the enemies coming right now! I could be wrong, but I think that's them!
Out from the Saudi Arabian base comes the enemies. Hippoe is charging out and on their back, are Doge, Snache and Those Guys! Surprisingly enough, when you consider that out of all the enemies encountered so far since Bob's arrival, Hippoe is the slowest! Followed by Pigge and Doge tied, then Snache, then Those Guys, then Jackie Peng. Keep in mind, there are possibly several enemies that are way faster or slower than the ones listed above!
Hippoe: Who here is ready to get bitten into mush? they chuckle as they place down the other enemies I promise I won't do you any harm! You can trust me, because you all will be DEAD before the pain even arrives. they cackle loudly
Bob: Shut the hell up you twat, no body asked for you to say all that. Não, não, não! (No, no, no!) Your ass will be punctured so much to the point that you won't even be able to count from ten backwards!
That Guy B: What the hell is this guy saying? he stares at him in confusion
Snache: I don't even know anymore, but it scares me enough to just comply and go with it without questions.
That Guy A: Well, why don't we just do our best against The Battle Act, and call it a day? It is simple, and against our favor, but effective.
Doge: That's what we've been doing for the past two weeks! But he does have a point. Let's just do our best, and if we lose, we lose.
That Guy C: I just want to see Bob get punched in the face! he grins, despite not having a face
Axe Cat: You guys sure seem hungry for violence, eh? Can't blame you. he looks at all the Cats and Bob Okay everyone, attack!
The Battle Begins! Doge makes his way towards Gross Cat and begins attacking him by biting at his leg. Gross Cat responds by kicking him down onto the ground. Causing his rib cage to fracture.
Doge: AGH! You just fucked up my rib cage! he coughs up some blood I'll get you for that, you know?
Gross Cat: Well, I'd like to see you try. he smirks as he continues slapping him from a long distance
Doge: STOP IT! Look, how about I come at you, and you counter by fighting up close rather than from afar. Do we have a deal? he seems desperate for Gross Cat to stop using his long range to his almost cheating advantage
Gross Cat: Okay fine! Come at me. he sighs as he opens up his arms, ready to take any attack
Doge: Now that's what I'm talking about...he grins as he approaches Gross Cat
Doge charges and pounces on Gross Cat to bite his face. However, Gross Cat grabs Cat from no where and puts him in front to take the hit instead. Cat is standing there in his paws, confused, and possibly terrified as to what just happened to him.
Cat: GROSS CAT! God damn it. Why did you make me soak Doge's attack for you? he grabs his upper chest in pain (where Doge bit him) Ow...
Doge: Cat...? he remains afloat, his teeth using Cat's body as grip to not fall off How the hell did you take the hit?
Cat: His long arms, he sighs in annoyance it makes it really easy for anyone to be used as his own, personal meat shield! he stares at Doge AGH, DOGE, YOU'RE SLIDING, YOUR TEETH ARE MAKING THE BITE DEEPER! he grabs Doge before half of his torso could be peeled off
Doge: Okay I get it! Sorry...he squirms around in Cat's grip I was meant to bite Gross Cat!
Cat: Hey, it wasn't your fault! It's Gross Cat's fault for grabbing me without me knowing. he chuckles as he nudges Doge with his hind paws And as for you, he turns to Gross Cat what do you have to say for yourself?
Gross Cat: Well, I can only think of one thing. Bye! he zooms off, dropping the two of them See you guys on the next journey!
Cat and Doge simultaneously: GET BACK HERE!
And so, the two of them begin chasing Gross Cat around the field to try and get revenge on him for his cowardly behavior in the battlefield. Elsewhere, Bird Cat and Snache are fighting it out. They are arguing about their offense/defense and who is better at what.
Snache: Oh, so you believe being a bird that can fly makes you better than me? Yeah right. he grins as he slithers towards him
Bird Cat: Well, I'm trying my best to be humble when I say this, but I do believe I offer many benefits to The Battle Act whenever we fight. I do solid, area attack damage! So the likes of you can be punished from it!
Bird Cat swoops down and pounces on Snache, causing his face to bleed out. He trips over and bites into Bird Cat's left wing, causing severe damage and a potential inability to fly.
Snache: weakly Do you think you could get away with that? Well I'm here to prove you wrong! he coughs up some blood Sure, you may be a solid fighter when it comes to damage output, but your damage input is embarrassingly horrendous to the point where I could finish you off in less than five hits.
Bird Cat: he falls to the ground AGH! This is why I don't enjoy combat! My body is too sensitive to endure all of this bleeding. I don't think I can even fly at this rate, wings have a lot more nerves in them than you think. AND IT IS REALLY PAINFUL WHEN ONE GETS DAMAGED! he growls in anger, clearly not having any of it Prepare for the ultimate punishment, Snache!
Bird Cat uses his right wing to propel himself across the ground as if he's on a Pogo stick. He attempts to pounce on Snache and bite into his tail. Snache is confused at what he is seeing and screams in horror.
Snache: Woah, woah, woah, WHAT HELL ARE YOU DOING!? he stares in fear Please don't hurt me or anything. he gets bitten in the tail OH GOD! It hurts like hell! There are a lot more nerves in my tail than you think.
Bird Cat: Oh I know, and now you should know! Because you clearly didn't when you were biting my wing! he pounces at him once more, causing him to go flying into Hippoe Now if you excuse me, I have a wing to repair! he scoffs as he rushes inside to grab medical equipment for his wing, and potentially anyone else who might need it
Elsewhere, Cow Cat and Bob are dealing with Those Guys. They attempt to split up and slap the two in unpredictable places. That Guy A makes the risky move of attempting to remove Cow Cat's horns right out of their sockets! Cow Cat is visibly and understandably confused and frightened.
Cow Cat: What the hell are you doing to my horns!? he attempts to wriggle off That Guy A Get off me or else I'll kick you to the curb!
That Guy A: I'm attempting to remove your horns! And sell them to the people that might buy them! But I actually might dye it black with the Oil found in this country! he grins at the idea
That Guy B: He won't see this coming! he giggles menacingly
That Guy C: Let's do it right now! On three, one, two...
Those Guys B and C simultaneously: THREE!
The two rush up at Cow Cat and pounce on him. That Guy B pulls on Cow Cat's tail, while That Guy C kicks Cow Cat right in the utters. To which his face goes white as he lays there, unconscious. He is bleeding from the shaft of the horns, meaning That Guy A actually made decent progress on him.
Bob: Those fucking runts fight dirty! I forgot about that...he grits his teeth in despair, and clenches his fists, he approaches the commotion in a calm and controlled manner Hey, you three, come here.
That Guy B: Huh? Why on Earth would we do that? You're obviously going to attack us.
That Guy A: Yeah! We're not going to fall for some shitty scam of yours! he rolls his supposed "eyes"
That Guy C: Over our dead bodies will we fall for this. We're not coming...at all!
Bob: If you come...I'll pay you all in Cat Food. How about that? You all like the stuff, don't you? he smiles in a sweet manner Venham aqui, venham aqui! (Come here, come here!) he signals them to come towards him, he pulls out three tins of Cat Food
That Guy C: I am actually feeling a bit hungry, so don't mind if I do! he rushes towards Bob, and grabs the Cat Food and eats it Is it now where you're going to punch me?
Bob: Not at all, surely, I am pissed you did that to Cow Cat, but I believe politeness will do the trick in negotiating for peace and revenge.
That Guy B: Wait, I want some too! he rushes towards Bob and grabs another Cat Food tin Mmh, this looks tasty.
Bob: he is smiling brightly That's right, take it! It's all yours.
That Guy A: suspicious Okay...I'm coming too! he slowly walks over and gets the last Cat Food tin, he eats its contents and lowers his guard Hey, this is actually some good stuff!
Bob: he smirks Glad you like it...now run along you three. Everyone else is worried shitless about you.
Those Guys simultaneously: OKAY! they turn and begin running towards Hippoe
Bob: Heh, I caught them off guard! Bob rushes at full speed and punches all three of them in the back of their heads, doing skull damage and causing all three of them to go on the floor bleeding NO ONE, FIGHTS DIRTY AGAINST ROBERTO... MOURINHO... JABLOVSKYY! OR HIS COLLEAGUES he spits out his toothpick as he rushes towards Hippoe
Meanwhile, with Gross Cat, Cat, and Doge. The latter two are still chasing the former around. Gross Cat is trying his hardest to outrun them. To which he succeeds. But the issue is the fact that they are both trying to get to him for an unspecified reason. That is what's bringing him the most fear.
Gross Cat: Ahh! Cat, why are you chasing me alongside Doge? he panics as he continues to run This makes no sense whatsoever! He eventually turns around and stops running, desperate for answers
Cat: Hello? LOOK AT ME! Cat has a severe bite wound that was going downwards on his chest It hurts like hell too. he grumbles
Doge: And I'm here because you duped me! You used another Cat to protect yourself. What the hell were you thinking?
Gross Cat: I was thinking about protecting myself! Wasn't it obvious? he smirks as he places a paw on both Cat and Doge
Doge: Oh for fuck sake! I don't want to deal with your crap. Just fight me up close for once! It's all I ask from you. And NO meat shields!
Gross Cat: jokingly whiney But I like my meat shields! normally Okay fine! I'll fight you, up close, no meat shield, at all.
Cat: Good, because I'm looking for a battle, not an inescapable death trap! Remember when I said that your grip on me was too loose? Yeah, well that was way too tight! I couldn't even adjust myself. You have to work on the perfect balance before lifting me.
Gross Cat: Sheesh, someone woke up on the wrong side of bed this morning!
Cat: For your information, I did! I fell on top of Bob and I woke him up! It was the most awkward and embarrassing moment of my life!
Doge: he is snickering away, picturing the moment, to which Cat slaps him in the back of the head, bruising it OW! Okay, are you ready Gross Cat? To finally have a solid battle and prove you're not a scaredy cat?
Gross Cat: Scaredy Cat? Oh, hah, no body calls me that! he giggles as he steps up and slaps Doge in the face, causing him to go down and bruise See, Cat, I did it! he shakes Cat, desperate for validation
Cat: he sighs in annoyance Hold up...you actually did. Congrats Gross Cat, you proved yourself worthy of melee combat! he hugs Gross Cat
Gross Cat: Hah, I got validation. he smirks in a cocky manner before yelling, in a sing-song manner HERE COMES THE GROSS~, READY TO MAKE A TOAST!~ AND TO MAKE SURE EVERYONE DIES LIKE A ROACH!~
Doge: weakly That is the shittiest excuse for a rhyme I ever heard. Also, is that...Here Comes The Bri- oh...they're gone. Cat and Gross Cat are indeed, gone HEY WAIT UP! he stands up, and rushes towards everyone
Hippoe is fighting against Tank Cat and Axe Cat. Hippoe bites down on Tank Cat's legs, causing his lower paws to crumble up and bleed out. Axe Cat jumps on top of Tank Cat and bashes Hippoe in the head with his axe. Causing them to go down and bleed.
Tank Cat: Ow! Axe Cat, my feet were already hurting enough from that hit. And you just had to make the impact worse! he sighs in dissatisfaction
Axe Cat: Oh be quiet, you! he grins as he grabs his axe Matilda knows what's best! And if you disagree, she'll be inside your intestines!
Tank Cat: YOU'RE GOING TO FORCE FEED ME YOUR AXE!? he stares at Axe Cat in horror, his face going white, his large square mouth somehow growing even larger
Axe Cat: What no, I meant I was going to slice y- he interrupts himself Never mind, terrible wording on my behalf, I apologize.
Tank Cat: Good! I deserved that apology, I don't want any metal down my throat. he grumbles as he crosses his arms
Axe Cat: mutters under his breath Born a wuss. Still a wuss...
Hippoe: Are you two going to discuss grammar or fight me like real men!? I'm sick and tired of all the waiting! Hippoe groans as they just interrupt the debate
Tank Cat: Well actually, Cats are shown to act more effeminate than you think. They like soft luxury, they like cuddles, they l- gets interrupted by Axe Cat
Axe Cat: he puts on a Tank Cat impersonation "WeLl AcTuAlLy" his normal voice Well Actually, are you trying to make a FOOL out of us!? We are trying to face a giant Hippo, and here you are, clearly trying to imply that if possible, you could do their dishes if they simply ask you!
Tank Cat: Misogynistic much...he scoffs as he berates Axe Cat I could do a good amount of cleaning and cooking, while being manly too! You just enjoy my effeminate qualities so much to the point where you can't even notice all the several emasculate ones I have!
Axe Cat: Oh yeah, prove it! Hit Hippoe with all of your might! Prove you have testosterone in your fluffy interior. he pokes Tank Cat, to which he giggles GIGGLING DOES NOT HELP HERE! he slaps him in the face Prove you are manly enough to start a fight without hesitation. Prove you don't fuck with anyone's disrespect! Prove you can have a girlfriend, and you tell her what to do, INSTEAD OF VICE VERSA!
Hippoe: I don't want to get involved in this...at all! they stammer in fear But...is this how he treats women?
Tank Cat: Yeah, pretty much. he giggles as he pokes Axe Cat, before sighing I guess I have no choice but to hit you with all of my might then. As promised.
Hippoe: I'd like to see you try. Little big Kitty Cat! they grin as they approach Tank Cat
Tank Cat takes a breather, before stepping towards Hippoe. He rushes at them. And slams his body onto Hippoe as hard as physically possible. Which causes them to go down and bruise up. However, no bleeding is present. And unfortunately, they effortlessly get up and toss Tank Cat aside, and pound him onto the floor.
Hippoe: Hey! Not bad of a first attempt! Just keep practicing and you'll be better at offensive combat in no time.
Tank Cat: weakly You're right...thanks Hippoe! he smiles weakly before resting on the ground
Bob, Cow Cat, Bird Cat, Gross Cat, and Cat all make it to the scene in time. Snache, who was tossed into Hippoe, gets up and slithers weakly to the side, he grabs Doge and brings him back over. Bob eventually speaks up.
Bob: So, did Tank Cat just attempt an offensive strategy for the first time? Well I'd be damned. I'm actually impressed with what he did. Que bom. (How great) Too bad we have to deal with this son of a bitch right here though. he cracks his knuckles and his neck, while looking at Hippoe
Cat: He may be soft on the outside...and the inside. But he has a hard layer of toughness deep inside his heart. You can't hate him for that. he giggles as he looks at Tank Cat, who is getting up
Bird Cat: Don't worry about me, I just managed to get my wing all bandaged up. And Cow Cat's injuries as well. So we should all be sorted.
Cow Cat: Hey, thanks again Bird Cat, you saved the shatters out of me! he grins before nudging Bird Cat
Bird Cat: Not a problem, it's what friends and allies are for! Now time to deliver the final blow to our opponents. he grins as he looks out in anticipation According to my calculations, we should be seeing impact in about...eight point naught seven two seconds.
Gross Cat: Allow me and Bob to deliver the final blow to Hippoe. he smirks with pride as he approaches them
Hippoe: Once again! I did not want to get invoked in whatever this is supposed to be. they gulp in fear At least be careful with the base, it was expensive to set up!
Snache: Some of my water color money had to be sacrificed! he sighs in despair, before tripping over Doge DOGE! QUIT STANDING IN HARD TO SEE AREAS! I COULD EASILY TRIP OVER YOU WHEN I'M NOT LOOKING!
Doge: Huh? he looks up at Snache I was sleeping, piss off. he continues to sleep
Cat: Just hurry up already Bob! he shakes him in desperation, eager to see him in action Kick their ass!
Bob: A bunda deles está sendo chutada agora. (Their ass is getting kicked now) Alright, time to finish this bullshit and get it over with.
Bob charges into Hippoe, and punches their abdomen so hard, that they fly up into the air, it bleeds out and bruises up. Hippoe lands and Gross Cat slaps them with his long paws, causing Hippoe to go flying into the Cat Base, revealing all three variants of the Oil treasure, inferior, normal, and superior.
Gross Cat: I believe I should become a baseball player now! he smirks with pride before rushing to the Saudi Arabian base I'll grab the treasure, you can trust me! he grabs them and he makes his way back to the Cat Base
Snache: Wow, I guess I have to do the carrying of my allies for the first time in ages! he grins happily as he grabs the sleeping Doge, Those unconscious Guys, and the crumpled up Hippoe Oh for fuck sake! This is no easy job!
Doge: weakly, as he woke up Huh? Are we already leaving? Let me sleep for five more minutes! I promise, he yawns I'll be quiet...
Snache: Will you stop doping around and help me out for once? he shakes Doge, but it is no use, he fell asleep on top of him
Doge: muttering in his sleep Bye Battle Act...he leans on Snache, to his annoyance as he throws him onto Hippoe
Cat: Is he really sleeping? It's actually kind of adorable if I'm honest. he smirks as he stares at Doge drooling on top of Hippoe I wonder if the enemies feel the same way...
Tank Cat: He is very adorable when he sleeps! No doubt about that. he giggles as he continues watching the enemies leave, to wherever they need to go to next
Bob: Okay, I'm wrecked, half of our crew is fucked up. Let's head back and heal ourselves before it gets dark out here!
The Battle Act makes their way inside. They are all drinking some microwaved milk as they discuss their plans for tomorrow. They are all piling the treasure since journey twelve. They are almost ready for bed.
Cow Cat: Hey Cat, where are we all heading to next? It better be a decent enough place...
Bob: Did Cow Cat literally steal one of my usual quotes here? Or am I literally just tweaking? he grumbles in confusion
Cat: Now you know how I feel Bob! he smirks as he glances at Bird Cat Okay, we are actually heading to Kenya to obtain the Seal of Masai treasure variants. We are facing everyone we faced today and Pigge. Yes, we are facing both Hippoe AND Pigge, alongside Doge, Snache, and Those Guys. So be prepared boys.
Gross Cat: Wow, every enemy we faced so far except Jackie Peng, I wonder how we will be able to handle this...
Bird Cat: Oh, I don't know if we are even going to make it at this rate! But we have to attempt it. We can take down Hippoe and Pigge, so why not both? he smiles in reassurance
Tank Cat: All we need is a good night's sleep! I believe this warm milk should do the trick. Good night everyone!
And so, everyone follows Tank Cat and goes into their rooms to sleep. Ticking another piece of treasure off of the Treasure Bucket List! We can only hope that they will make it out in time to progress even further. The Battle Act will face the highest amount of enemies than ever, post-meeting with Bob. So it is a huge milestone for everyone. Only way to find out the outcome is by witnessing it happen in person.
TO BE CONTINUED
I did it! I have officially been writing this fan fiction for two consecutive weeks! And I have pushed 50K words too! Next episode is going to be quite an action packed one, as everyone so far par Jackie Peng and The Special Forces is featuring in this episode. So yeah, bring a spare pare of underwear, you'll need it! Well, not really, you can't get that hyped over text, can you?
DOESN'T MATTER, what does matter is my wish for you to stay tuned for the next edition! Coming soon, to a story near you. Aka, This one!
The Battle Cats (2014) and its respective characters and features are all owned by Ponos Corporation.
The character Bob is owned by me, however, feel free to use him without profit, just as long as you credit me as the owner.
This fiction is 100% unofficial, and can be considered as fan-made content.