Content warning: mounting anxiety and mentions of medication, angst, feeeeeelings.

Steve's old apartment in the West Village had been transformed into their mission planning headquarters months ago. Though sometimes, when he walked towards the elevator or closed his eyes as he pushed open the door, he moved back in time. In quiet, personal moments when the air felt just right - warm and crisp and calm - he suddenly found himself back in those in-between years, walking home from a session working at the relief center down the street. The apartment had been his solace, his home base, his hiding spot.

For the following few years, his apartment became a home. He remembered bringing Bucky there for the first time - a few days after the battle with Thanos, both exhausted from their long days and nights assisting with reparations around the city. They had fallen asleep on the couch together.

He remembered the first time Avery stayed the night too - following the surprise breakin at her old apartment. There had been so much distance between them at the time - two people with confused crushes pulled together into a strange friendship with Bucky planted in the middle. Since then, everything had changed and his little home in the village, that he had reluctantly waited to sell, served an entirely different purpose.

Sam knocked his knuckles against the table, letting out a breath as he got to his point. "Okay, let's walk this back. You're an Airforce pilot and you crash your plane. By some fucked up twist of chance, a couple of leftover HYDRA scientists take you to experiment on you."

Alice followed Sam's train of thought, pointing at him through the screen. "They heal you, save you from whatever injuries you've endured. Then for three years they play with your mind, manipulate your body, modify you with technology experiments then -

"You vanish." Steve crossed his arms and pointed to the screen. "With half the population. For five years."

Alice nodded. "And when you come back, to that exact same place - you have no idea time has shifted. You've still got no clue who you are."

"But you do realize maybe you're free." Bucky leaned forward on the chair, leaning his elbows onto his knees. "Though the world is suddenly in chaos and no one has given you instructions so you're on your own."

"So he's just been on the run for years." Home at the farm, Clint sat with his arms across his chest as he stared at them through the video screen. Alice lingered over his shoulder, stepping away to pace and think as they worked. "If he was hiding successfully for that long, did he slip up when they first spotted him? Or do we think he wanted to be found?"

Bucky raised a shoulder to shrug. "It seemed like he'd been doing his own research. He didn't try to hide the file from us when we confronted him and he left it with us when he ran. So maybe he's been waiting for help." Bucky knew well enough that if someone wanted to stay hidden, they would.

"You know, it says here these scientists - doctors, whatever - they defected from HYDRA before Natasha dropped all that information." Sam dragged his finger down an old piece of paper that came from that file folder. "Makes you wonder about their convictions if HYDRA didn't align with their practices. Are there really worse people out there?"

The short laugh that escaped Bucky came out louder than intended. "Apparently. It makes sense that he feels so apprehensive about me - he's not going to trust anyone potentially still connected to them. And I don't blame him."

"This file had nearly six successful subjects over the years," Sam rubbed his hand across his head, still exhausted and recovering from their adventure in Paris. "It looks like he was trying to track down the other people from the Cendres program, too. All the while avoiding the scientists who did this to him."

"And trying to figure out who he is, too. That's a lot all at once." Steve swallowed hard, flicking his eyes down to the folder in Sam's hands. It had provided them a wealth of information but the scientists had been strategic - they had fully stripped away the identities of their subjects. Names, birthdays, medical histories - it had all been redacted from the paperwork. Jeremy had no idea who he was, not just because of whatever they had done to his mind - his entire record of existence has been erased, too. It was hard to play catch up when you were starting from scratch.

"I can.. okay, I have an idea. We had done all that research about missing soldiers since the early 2000s. There must be enough information here to cross reference and see if we can figure out if any of them were included in this half dozen who had gone through this with Jeremy." Alice nodded at her plan, as if the wheels were turning in her mind. "Maybe we can start looking at facial recognition for more of them. If we can follow the research Jeremy already started, maybe we can determine where he'd be running next."

After Alice and Clint disconnected, Steve, Bucky and Sam sat at the apartment - they went over the files Sam and Bucky had brought back one more time. Sam, whose arm was bandaged up but not out of commission, grabbed a few beers from the fridge.

"I think we need to call it for today," he announced, handing a beer to Steve to replace the file in his hands. "Not much else we can do from here. Not today."

Bucky mumbled out some kind of agreement, reluctantly tipping the beer bottle to his lips and steadily finishing it in one go. "If I hadn't gone through something like this first hand before, I wouldn't believe it."

Sam grinned. "Yeah, well, we're in the same boat over here. This isn't our first missing persons case, you know."

Bucky huffed. "Right. Just thought maybe we'd be past this sort of thing, you know?"

"I think I'd rather take on the evil doings of HYDRA over aliens from space, at least," Steve sighed, desperately wanting to sound humorous though it fell flat. He knew his audience. "I never expected this. I have no idea how we're supposed to pitch this to Ave."

Sam leaned forward on the couch and met Steve's eyes. "Don't sugarcoat it. She doesn't need that. If you just tell her the truth about everything, sure she's gonna be mad. I think she'll be understanding after the fact."

Bucky, who had been peeling at the very interesting label of his beer bottle, sighed. "We know. I just don't see how this won't blow up into a huge fight."

"I think you're going in with the right expectations, at least." Sam shrugged. "If all else fails, y'all know how to grovel, right?"

Steve sighed again. Right. They had to let her be mad first, they knew that. Avery was feisty in her own way and this was going to send a rupture through her emotionally. He remained strong in his reasoning though - until they had concrete proof, it wasn't worth the risk to tell her. But now that the time had come for him to cross that bridge, there wasn't much else he could do in preparation.

It was time for a hard conversation.

When Bucky and Steve got home from their debriefing with Sam and the rest of their operations team, Bucky started on dinner while Steve took Rocky around the block. By the time they were home from their walk, food was being kept warm on the stove but Bucky seemed absent from the first floor.

Steve found him lying on their bed upstairs halfway undressed, having flopped down diagonally on top of the covers. Alpine swatted at his feet as they hung off the mattress.

"Ave said she's working late at the lab," Steve reported as he stood at the end of the bed, gazing down gently at his boyfriend.

"Yeah, saw her message," Bucky mumbled in response, adjusting to drop his right arm over his eyes.

Steve crouched down instead of looming, dragging his fingers across the bed until he made contact with the skin of Bucky's chest. Steve traced tiny, gentle patterns against the carved lines of his torso. "Talk to me."

Bucky sure was tired of people checking in about his emotional state but there wasn't much he could hide from Steve. "I feel like…" Bucky moved his hand from across his eyes and turned his head to look at Steve. "I should have done more, you know? I ran and hid from HYDRA when I could have gone and helped burn them to the ground."

"Don't do this to yourself."

"I can't help it. Every single sleepless night when I was running filled me with so much confusion and rage - I didn't ask for what happened, I know that. But neither did Avery's brother or all those other nameless people who died at the hands of those reckless HYDRA scientists." Bucky pushed himself up, shaking his head as he stared off at the window.

"Hey." Steve reached for Bucky's hand, tugging gently to get his attention. "You aren't responsible for what happened. Natasha shared all of HYDRA's secrets with the world and this team still slipped under the radar somehow. You know how these organizations operate and I won't let you sit here and blame yourself for all of this. It's not fair to you."

"I know it sounds so crazy, Stevie. I know. But.." Bucky gulped, pulling his hand free and standing up. He moved towards the window. "But what if she.. what if Avery blames m—

"Bucky, please. She would never.. That's.." Steve took in a breath and let it out slowly. He wasn't a stranger to the guilt Bucky still wrestled with but this kind of revelation was much heavier than he anticipated. Here he was concerned about how Bucky might be dealing with experiencing these sites he had previously visited as The Winter Soldier but there was so much more ruminating beneath the surface. "Hey. C'mere." He stood and crossed the room, extending his arms to cradle Bucky against him.

"I think, well, no - I know she's going to be upset, but there is no way she would blame you for this. There's no way." Steve, of course, could understand how Bucky's thoughts had travelled to that possibility.

Bucky felt like he was teetering on the edge of something though. As if accepting his wild mind wasn't hard enough, he would be lying to himself if he didn't admit visiting those HYDRA cells had affected him. Anger still coursed through him - but so did fear and new flashes of repressed memories were hindering his ability to push forward. Instead, the guilt sitting heavy in his gut grew with every new thought.

Steve relaxed his hold, running his hands through Bucky's hair. "I know well enough that I can't compete with whatever is fighting you back in your mind, Buck. But what can I do to help right now?"

Bucky closed his eyes, raising one shoulder to shrug. "I feel like I'm in this inbetween sort of feeling. I'm on the edge and I don't know what to do." He filled his lungs with a breath and exhaled slowly. He was untethered. His right hand moved from it's position behind Steve's back to grip Steve's waist instead. "I need help feeling grounded."

Steve's eyes narrowed as he tried to decipher Bucky's words. "What do you need?"

Bucky's hand found one of Steve's and he tugged him to the bed. A moment later they were laying down, Bucky's head resting on Steve's chest. They stayed there for some time, breathing each other in.

This wasn't new for them. For months following the reappearance of half the population, after the chaotic battle for peace with the genocidal maniac TItan and his army, the world was in chaos. Bucky and Steve had been in chaos, too. It had taken so long for them to finally get to that point - where they could live their lives together. Of course they never really defined it because figuring out who they were to each other now was complicated.

It was love, of course. The foundation of their entire relationship centered around years of lost love. Love that left for war. Love that fell from a train. Love that submerged into the ocean. Love that fought for what was right. Love that endured guilt ridden nightmares. Love that survived. Love that prevailed.

It was love that found a new place in this new world - that found comfort in companionship, that welcomed a third person into their relationship, that was full of passion and feeling and intimacy that didn't need an explanation or justification.

There was nothing about their relationship that was traditional. They didn't have an epic, complicated coming out story that captured news headlines. Bucky and Steve had a friendship that had blossomed into more than what they ever could have imagined. It didn't have to make sense to the rest of the world if it made sense to them.

Over the course of their evolving relationship with Avery, many conversations had been had about their history and what their future looked like. Avery never prodded - asking very curious questions no one was obligated to answer. But they each provided a safe space for one another - where honesty was the most important.

As Steve and Bucky laid together, focusing on what they could control, it wasn't completely out of left field when things took an intimate direction. Bucky started it this time.

Bucky's arm was draped across Steve's chest, his head pressed against his heart. The steady thump, thump, thump had been the perfect symphony to put his racing mind at ease. He shifted slightly, inhaling against Steve's neck. Then, to test what kind of effort he may need to put in, he pressed a gentle kiss to Steve's pulse point.

A quiet, rumbling noise sounded out from somewhere inside Steve's. An awakening from his heart and soul.

Test successful.

Bucky kept going, trailing his fingers up Steve's chest, feeling every solid bump that built his torso. His hand wound up curling behind Steve's neck, carding into his hair with a gentle tug.

Steve groaned again, a bit louder this time.

Bucky's lips nibbled up Steve's neck, towards his ear then against his jaw. When their lips finally met, it was as if they had been starving for weeks. Steve mumbled out Bucky's name, breathing into him with reckless abandon.

It wasn't long before the tables had turned - Bucky found himself on his back, head bouncing against the plush pillows. Steve straddled him, pressing his chest against Bucky's while their lips remained locked. Steve moved his hips very slowly against his boyfriend's, holding down Bucky's arms near the side of his head. "Is this okay? We can stop if you-

"No, don't - don't stop." Bucky blushed when Steve's hand came up to cradle his face. "I'm okay, Stevie, promise."

"I can make you feel good.. Can I?" All the confidence Steve had mustered up faltered as he looked down at Bucky. His sweet, dark eyes felt all consuming. Although their roles always switched in the bedroom, Steve wanted permission. "I want to." Steve needed it.

Bucky smirked, pushing up to brush his lips against Steve's. "Oh, by all means. You can do whatever you want, my captain."

"I know we don't often.. It's been a while since.."

"Steve." Bucky extended his hand up to stop him. "If you don't want to do anything.. You know I'd never expect you to.."

It was Steve blushing now. "Oh, no. I want to."

Bucky kissed him once more. "You're the man with the plan, Stevie."

It was a matter of seconds befores Steve moved - swiftly shuffling down the bed, ridding Bucky of his sweatpants and trailing his mouth along Bucky's chest. He went lower and lower and lower, until his mouth found what it was looking for. It wasn't lewd or rough - instead Steve was calculated in his actions, listening to Bucky's reactions as his tongue moved, feeling for the jerking of his hips when he used his throat more.

Bucky guided him gently, running his hands against his blonde locks. "You're so good to me, Stevie. You're so good." When Bucky reached his peak, he swore to the high heavens - a praise of thank you for Steve Rogers. And when Steve came up to cuddle against him again, Bucky used his hands to take care of his partner, too. After all, feeling grounded was about more than his personal needs.

Eventually, they had to leave the bed and go eat dinner and clean the kitchen and turn over the laundry. And they had to make a plan to determine just how to communicate everything about their secret project to Avery. Life was still waiting outside of their tangled mess of limbs on the bed.

But Bucky did feel more grounded now - knowing what he had overcome with Steve during the course of their friendship, spanning decades of hardship and loss. They could handle anything and everything that was coming at them next. Bucky could only hope that they could handle it with Avery, too.

Avery would never consider herself an empath but she could tell when Bucky or Steve weren't feeling or acting like their usual selves. Even worse - when both of them were experiencing some sort of hardship at the same time. Over the course of a few days, since Bucky had gotten back from his trip, she could feel it.

She prodded, gently. In private moments she checked in on each of them, garning a smirk from Bucky who passed his emotions off as jet lag and exhaustion. Steve, he faltered just a tiny bit and pulled her into a tight hug, clarifying he was okay and that he loved her. He mostly blamed his shift in mood on the darkness of winter and the changes in his teaching set up, now that he was adjusting to working with a new assistant.

At least that mess was being handled. Avery felt a strange discomfort about the entire thing still - though as promised, she didn't hear anything about the anonymous complaint personally. It seemed her academic reputation would be untouched.

Later in the week, though, things were still weird. Avery had woken up in a very affectionate mood. Steve had already left the bed but when she tried to initiate morning sex with Bucky, he focused exclusively on her. It wasn't really an issue though, their moods all ebbed and flowed and everyone's needs were met. Avery was happy and satisfied - Bucky was very attentive and good with his mouth - but it was quite out of character for him to dismiss anything she wanted to reciprocate, despite the obvious signs of his arousal.

Something just felt off.

Then when Bucky showed up at her subway stop after she finished at the lab Thursday evening, redirecting their journey to the East Village instead of home to Brooklyn, she grew even more apprehensive. Something was wrong, no, maybe wrong wasn't the word.

"Buck.." Avery squeezed his hand as they stood on the subway, pressed close together in the evening crowd. "What's going on? I was really looking forward to being nestled in a blanket as quickly as possible tonight. Lab reporting is a lot more enjoyable while cocooned in something soft and cozy."

Bucky smiled as he looked down at her, though she noticed it didn't meet his eyes. "Stevie and I.. we've gotta show you something."

"Well, that's vague."

Bucky just squeezed her hand back, tighter this time, and kissed the top of her head. He led them off the train and when they reached the street, Avery had pieced together they were near Steve's old apartment. Her brain raced with questions about why this was their destination.

Bucky held the door as they headed in and silently directed them to the elevator then right to Steve's old door - where they found Steve pacing.

"Hey," he said, planting his feet as Bucky and Avery approached. When she was close enough, Steve welcomed her in for a hug and while Avery loved every display of affection her boys gave, it all felt weird.

"Can one of you please tell me why you're acting so strange?" She raised her eyebrows as Steve glanced at the door. "Are you hiding a new puppy in there? Because I don't think we have time and Rocky would be so offended."

Bucky offered a very awkward laugh in response though quickly sobered up. "No puppy. Just.. hear us out, okay?"

Avery nodded, crossing her arms before following Steve inside. Before they got into the living room, he turned and let out a slow breath.

"This past fall, we got some information that led us to believe your brother might be alive and we think we found him."

She tilted her head as she took in his words. None of that made any sense.

Bucky clicked the door shut behind them and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"What? Nash is in…" Avery trailed off. Where was he right now? He had mentioned something when they went for dinner for her birthday. A training trip somewhere in New Mexico? He had sent her a stupid meme recently so he wasn't off the grid or lost, per se.

Despite the lump in his throat, Bucky continued. "Not Nash. No, we found Jeremy."

Avery's jaw went slack at the sound of her dead brother's name coming from Bucky's mouth.

We found Jeremy. We found Jeremy. Jeremy. Jeremy. Jeremy.

Jeremy.

"Jeremy.. is dead? Is this a joke?" She shook her head quickly as Bucky very gently nudged her forward. Steve took her hand and sat her down on the couch. "I went to his funeral. Jeremy died - his plane.. This is.. this isn't possible. I don't know who you think you found but my brother isn't alive. His plane crashed in 2015 and - and - he isn't -"

"Sweetheart," Steve started slowly, finding a seat beside her. Taking one of her hands, his thumb dragged across her skin in soothing circles. "I know this is a lot but.. let us explain. I promise it'll make sense."

Avery just nodded along dumbly, hardly listening to what Steve was telling her. Luke and Charlie thought they spotted your brother in Paris last year… Old project files indicated… We thought maybe he was hiding out… Bucky and Sam managed to track him down in -

She pulled her hand away from Steve and turned to Bucky with wide eyes. "Your secret last minute mission? But you've been investigating this for months?" Her head snapped back to Steve. "I don't understand. You thought my brother might be alive for months now and you didn't tell me? And you met with Charlie Porter!? Of all people—"

She pushed herself up from the couch and stomped over to their big screen, which had been dormant until her motion illuminated it ahead of them. Across it, various files and data and photos and videos hovered. She swiped her fingers across it all but finally stilled at a photo taken from Red Wing's video capture of the fight at the HYDRA cell in Paris.

She sucked in a breath before tracing her finger across the face on the screen. Could this even be possible? No, there's no way. This has to be some coincidence or twist of fate or something. Jeremy was not alive.

Jeremy wasn't alive, right? She mourned him, cried herself to sleep in her parents bed, got memorial tattoos with her remaining brother and sister, grieving for years and years.

This couldn't be him.

Right?

The side angle of this face she was analyzing sure looked familiar though. With her eyes squeezed shut, she willed herself to remember him. Jeremy was always softer around the edges than Nash. While Avery and Nash took after how fiery their dad was, Jeremy was much more like their mom. Passionate and dedicated - yes, by all means. But deep within him, there was an underlying warmth. His eyes, especially - he always gave himself away.

His eyes..

She winced, looking back at the video frame once more. This person was tense, frightened. One of his eyes wasn't even real - some synthetic augmentation was embedded over a quarter of his face. The rest of it was marred with dirt or covered in an unkept beard. She turned her head slightly, reading the latest notes scrawled onto another scanned document: erratic, unstable, defiant, confused-

Behind her, she could hear the overlapping calls from Bucky and Steve, desperately trying to give her more important information as well as talk her through whatever was going on in her mind. But, truthfully, she might have already been too far gone to have a rational discussion now. Inside her brain, every single synapses and careful balance of chemicals seemed to go into overdrive.

"This isn't.. I don't know who this is, but there's no way in hell it's Jeremy. He.. this sounds nothing like him!" She turned quickly, biting her lip and staring at Steve. "You've made a mistake."

"Avery, sweetheart." Steve took a step forward and she took one backwards, hitting the table in an effort to keep the same distance between them. "We've done a lot of research and, based on some records and the files left behind and how he spoke to Bucky and Sam, we really do think it's him. He's just.. not himself."

"It looks like.." Bucky jumped in this time. He didn't move - considering Avery had already worked herself into the corner. "His plane crash may have been an accident or it may have been on purpose. Either way, some very bad people got a hold of him and - he's been a prisoner of war, Ave." Like me.

Her eyes snapped over to Bucky again and for a fraction of a second, they softened. Could this all be real? Were Bucky and Steve telling the truth? Was this actually possible? Avery knew well enough there were still bad people in the world, just like the bad people who tortured Bucky for centuries. Would it be that hard to believe something just as crazy had happened to her brother?

She took in a sharp breath. "So.. who else knows about this? Who is we? What kind of crackerjack team has been working on all of this behind my back? Oh my god. All those early mornings at the VA with Sam - you were holed up here, weren't you?" Her eyes were locked on Steve again.

Steve sighed. "Not always but -

Avery let out a muffled scream as she scrubbed a hand over her face. "You've been lying to me." She scoffed then actually even laughed. "And here I thought you were a bad liar, Steve. But you did a great job keeping me in the dark."

Something shifted in her then. Something that hadn't consumed her in quite some time but she felt the slow, familiar creep - her heart rate picked up, her lungs started working overtime. She blinked her eyes a few times and moved to brace herself on the back of a chair.

"Avery, baby," Bucky moved towards her quickly, reaching out to steady her. "Hey."

"No! Don't Avery, baby me. You're complicit here too, Bucky. How long have you known?" Her voice shook. "And how could you keep it from me?" She took a deep breath and stood tall, pushing his hand away and walking past them both. "I need some air."

Bucky didn't argue with her but did manage to block her from making it to the door. "I don't think you should be alone, doll. You're close to having an anxi—

"I need to.." Avery closed her eyes and tried to breathe, tugging at the necklace around her neck. "You need to give me some space, please. I need five minutes to think!"

"Ave," Bucky spoke very quietly, glancing over her shoulder to watch Steve. "I know this is a lot and you have every right to be upset but.. You don't have to do this alone."

"Apparently I do, though!" She huffed out. It wasn't lost on any of them that her volume was growing. "You two clearly do whatever you need to without me so I think I can have five fucking minutes alone. Isn't that fair?"

Bucky swallowed hard but remained between her and the door. "Why don't you stay here and me and Stevie can -

"You think I want to just sit here in between your stupid file boxes and mystery notes and spiral even more out of control?" She took another step to the side, trying to bypass him. "Let me go, Bucky. Please. Just let me go."

Her pleading seemed to be enough to finally convince him because Bucky stepped away. She hurried to the door and swung it open, then promptly slammed it closed behind her. The adrenaline coursing through her was an impressive drug and distraction, at least.

She yanked at the necklace around her neck and pressed upon her Wakandan cuff, too, releasing it from her wrist. She very quietly dropped them both outside the door then headed for the stairwell.

By the time she made it to street level, she was making a very rash decision. With her phone at her ear, she hoped and prayed that the number she was calling was still active. Then, someone picked up.

"Hey, it's me. Uh, Avery. It's Avery. I'm sorry to do this but can I come over?"

Steve knew it wasn't going to be easy or go smoothly. He would have been shocked if Avery had just accepted the whole thing and jumped right in with a positive attitude. But that didn't mean her reaction pierced him any less - the crestfallen look on her face alone brought an immense feeling of regret and guilt to the surface.

He had been riddled with possible scenarios for months now and although he had done his best to prepare for this exact build up, there was only so much he could control. In fact, he knew he could only be responsible for his own actions.

After Avery slammed the door behind her, Bucky remained staring at it. As if waiting for her to burst back inside before reaching an inevitable eruption of her anxiety. It was their job - his and Steve's - to protect her from pain and once again, Bucky found himself having been part of the reason why she was hurting.

Bucky's hands clenched into fists, squeezing his eyes shut as he replayed their entire interaction. Had he ever seen such a look of betrayal in her eyes?

"You've been lying to me."

"How could you keep this from me?"

"Let me go, Bucky. Please. Just let me go."

They had only just cracked the surface on what they wanted to tell Avery. Even if there had been an easier way to soften the blow, the jarring realization that her brother was alive after all these years - that was not an easy thing to accept or even hear. What struck Bucky the most was that her reaction mirrored Jeremy's.

"Please, just let - me - go!"

Bucky let out a frustrated yell as it dawned on him. "Fuck!" He threw open the door and looked down the hall each way.

Fight or flight.

"What?" Steve followed him.

"She's going to leave. The minute she gets downstairs. Damnit." Bucky crouched down and picked up her discarded bracelet and necklace, too. "I'm sure she turned off her phone, too."

Steve brushed past him and hurried to the stairwell, muttering something about trying to catch her outside. But he knew it was useless. It would have taken her less than a minute to get into a taxi or get to the nearest subway station. Of course, she was nowhere to be seen outside of the apartment building and this time it was Steve letting out a series of expletives as he made his way back upstairs.

He found Bucky pacing around the apartment with his phone to his ear, mumbling out a thank you to whoever was on the other line. Steve dropped onto the couch.

"I called Kasey and Sam. And Bruce. Alice, too. I'm not sure where she's heading but -

"It's away from us," Steve finished, leaning his head back against the couch. "This is my fault. I did this wrong."

"Steve, c'mon. That's not true. She would'a reacted the same way no matter the delivery. I'm the moron who wanted to do it at home." Bucky sighed, bringing a hand up to drag down his face. His argument had been that their home was a safe space. Steve countered that it might feel like a personal attack to her.

Either way, they both knew Avery well enough. Her anger had been expected, of course. But knowing she was actively running from them now, that was more concerning.

During the cab ride towards the Upper West Side, Avery implemented every single technique she could focus on to stop the panic attack that was swelling inside. Counting to ten backwards and forwards, tracking all her senses and what they were seeing or hearing or feeling or smelling, a few mantras repeated out loud to ground herself.

She was sure the cab driver thought she was losing it and frankly, she wouldn't be able to argue she wasn't. When she got to the apartment building, she muddled out a greeting to the doorman who had apparently just been informed of her visit. The elevator ride was a shock to Avery's senses - going from the busy, hectic sounds of city streets to a calm enclosed box made all her thoughts rush to the front of her mind.

When considering a place to hide from two well-intentioned super soldiers, Avery really had to quickly think through her best options. Kasey? No, if she ambushed her cousin she might also find Sam. Heidi? Her old coworker hadn't been in touch for months and Avery was thinking she might have left the city. Bruce or Darcy? Also well-intentioned but as much as Avery trusted Bruce, she had a feeling he may find a way to quietly reach out to Steve if she showed up crying at Bruce's door.

So. She took a risk. A big risk. If you're already emotionally compromised, what's one more punch to the heart? Avery's feet dragged down the hallway and before she even had a chance to knock, the door was opening in front of her.

"Hey! Come in, come in."

It was very strange. Although Avery hadn't seen her in years, being pulled into a hug by her old friend sort of felt like going home.

Avery gulped, letting out a breath as she pulled from the embrace. "Crystal - I'm so sorry for all of this but.."

"You don't have to.." Crystal trailed off just the same, helping Avery out of her coat and motioning into the living room. "I just put her down to sleep but the remains of Hurricane Claire are still very present. Sorry if you step on a stray Barbie hairbrush. For a kid struggling through a head cold, she is constantly full of energy." Avery couldn't help but let a small smile crawl onto her face as she watched Crystal flit into the kitchen. "Water or wine?"

"Maybe just water," Avery stuttered out as she moved further into the apartment. She couldn't believe where she was - waltzing into Crystal's life like there wasn't an immeasurable distance between them. As if she hadn't closed off their leftover friendship nearly two years ago.

It was selfish of Avery - knowing that Crystal would provide her a safe space, hidden away from the other facets of her life. But Avery also knew, deep down in her heart, that if Crystal was in a crisis, she would open her arms without question too. Right?

Actually, Avery wasn't sure.

She shook her head of those thoughts as she found the living room. Crystal was right - it was evident a young girl lived there. Their apartment wasn't big, especially considering what big meant in Manhattan, but clearly Claire's presence made a big impact. The bookshelf under the TV was spilling over with baskets of toys and books. In the corner, a large dollhouse occupied the real estate beside a reading chair. The couch had a few leftover stuffed animals throughout the pillows.

Avery picked up a stuffed polar bear as she sat, running her fingers over the fur. When Crystal came back in, holding two glasses of water, Avery offered her a soft smile.

Crystal had really grown up. Her blonde hair was thrown up into a messy crown on the top of her head, a stark contrast to the dress pants and blouse she was still sporting. Her feet were covered in mismatched fuzzy socks and when she lowered herself onto the couch beside Avery, Crystal looked a bit more like herself. Tired weary eyes that somehow still sparkled, though Avery could tell her guard was up.

That was only fair.

Now that they were both sitting side by side, Avery was feeling a tad more overwhelmed. "Okay I want to start by saying that I'm s—

"No. Can we not? We can just skip the apologies part and.. I don't know, just be honest with each other?"

"Okay." Avery sighed, taking a sip of water before resting it on the side table. "Well, I just got some absolutely insane, life-changing news and I'm angry and sad and confused and for some reason the only person I could think to come to was you, Crystal. I don't know why you took my call but I'm grateful you did." She shook her head slightly and leaned into the couch. "I don't want to talk about it yet. Can you tell me about you?"

Crystal smiled, nodded then pulled a leg up to rest under her on the couch. "Okay. Uhm, well, I'm not sure if Lora told you but Seth and I split last summer."

"I had heard, yeah. What happened?"

"Oh, nothing all at once. You remember our last discussion right? At your sister's wedding? Seth and I were mainly together out of convenience, for Claire's sake. But it wasn't fair to her or either of us to fake it anymore." Crystal lifted a shoulder into a shrug. "I think we work better as co-parents, to be honest. We trade off one week at a time and he still lives in the neighborhood. Claire sort of likes getting two of everything at this stage, too."

Avery smiled again. Truthfully, it was both incredibly heartwarming and even more confusing to hear the details of Crystal's life. She always considered it some sort of 'what could have been?' for her own life.

"I've actually been dating someone new for a while. We're taking it slow - I waited months before letting him meet Claire. But he's been a welcome silver lining lately, although he.. works out of town a lot. In fact, I'm not sure how much longer his job will keep him in the city, even."

Avery nodded along. "What does he do for work?" When Crystal's face twisted into something like a nervous frown, Avery raised up her hands. "You don't have to tell me, that's okay. I know we're not.." She sighed, feeling a bit of hesitancy about this entire situation. "I'm happy for you, Crys. Really. I hope it works out with you and this guy. If he treats you well and respects you and Claire -

"He's great with Claire," Crystal eagerly added in, stopping herself again before saying anything else. "I'm happy. Really happy."

"Good." Avery reached for her glass of water and finished it with a gulp, closing her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again, she was reminded again why she was hiding out at her old friend's apartment. "Hey - do you mind if I borrow your phone? I just need to call my cousin."

"Sure." Crystal stood up and handed her phone to Avery, pausing before leaving the room. "Are you hungry? Did you eat dinner?" When Avery hesitated, Crystal pushed on. "I'm going to throw a little flatbread in the oven."

Avery was grateful for her friend's hospitality. She stood as she dialed Kasey's cellphone and paused at the window, glancing out into the darkness and lights of the city beyond.

"Hello?"

"Hey Kase, it's Avery."

"Oh thank god. Can you tell me why I got two cryptic phone calls from your boyfriends in the last half hour? All they said is they're looking for you. What's going on?"

Avery sighed. She had immediately turned her own phone off after calling Crystal and getting in the taxi earlier. "It's a long story. I'm not sure I can.." Even say it out loud? "I'm sorry to make you act as the messenger but can you call one of them and just clarify that you heard from me and I'm somewhere safe. I know they're worried but.."

"Of course. But Ave, are you okay? Seriously. Between you and me only. Sam is on the phone in the other room - are you okay?"

The lump in Avery's throat felt like it was increasing by the second. "Not really. I'm not injured or anything, I just need some distance. But I'm safe."

"I know they're gonna ask - are you going home tonight?"

"I don't know. Yes? Maybe. I'm not sure. I don't know. No, tell them no." Avery wasn't going to assume Crystal would let her crash on the couch but in the worst case scenario, Avery could find somewhere else to sleep. "Thanks Kasey."

Avery felt guilty after the phone call. She thought about how Bucky and Steve had just been waiting for her to come back upstairs, to face her frustration with them head on - but instead she had run.

But wait. No. That wasn't fair. Why should she feel guilty? It was Bucky and Steve who had kept this big news from her. Though she knew Steve didn't do things by half and if he didn't tell her, he must have had a reason. But it was her brother. The one she had been mourning and missing for so long - why hadn't they just told her sooner?

This internal debate could have gone on forever in the echoes of Avery's mind. When Crystal came back to the room, gently suggesting putting on some old movie like they used to, Avery could have burst into tears. While she was hovering between a disconnect to her past, her old friend's presence draped over her like a warm blanket. Maybe it wouldn't fix the anxiety in her mind but it could serve as a distraction for a few hours, at least.

Steve knew there wasn't a point in staying up late. Kasey had been clear in her statement that Avery was somewhere safe and wouldn't be coming home for the evening. Though she was the only one absent from their house, it felt especially empty. Across from him, Bucky stood in front of the stove, staring at the kettle as it whistled.

Tea.

It was a learned comfort for them both from years and years - decades - ago. A shift in a mood or after a particularly bad day, a cup of tea was the first course of action for making one feel better.

It felt as if there were handfuls of new obstacles thrown into their relationship now. First, they had betrayed their girlfriend's trust with dishonesty. Steve had expected that - after the difficult months he and Avery had tackled in the fall, this inevitability felt familiar. Though those circumstances were wildly different - they had each been hiding their fears and pain, in hopes of being strong for their partner while the third member of their relationship was absent.

Together though, Avery and Steve had climbed their way out. They resurfaced with an even stronger bond than before - a shared experience tethering them to each other. Because even without Bucky, they had each other. That counted for something. That counted for a lot.

Steam rose from the mug Bucky left in front of Steve, a harmonious blend of chamomile and floral undertones flooding his nose. The empty stool beside him was now occupied by his boyfriend who suddenly found the teabag in his hand to be the most interesting thing in the world.

"You really don't think we should go find her?" Bucky's words were quiet, falling off his lips with a hardly disguised tremor. "She looked so scared, Stevie."

Scared and hurt. Devastated.

"I know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but she needs space from us," was Steve's reply, the rasp of his voice becoming more and more obvious with each sentence. "I know we'd both feel better if the silent treatment was happening here and not.. Well, from wherever she is."

Bucky swallowed the lump in his throat, pursing his lips together into a tight line. "When she turns her phone back on, we'll be able to -

"Buck, we can't."

"I know," Bucky sighed, letting his metal digits clink against the ceramic mug. "We all made a promise, remember? That no matter what, no one leaves. We're supposed to face it head on and try to deal with it."

There was no legally binding contract in a relationship - there was just trust and understanding and compromise. Fracturing that foundation put everything at risk, sending common sense out the window and running on the blind faith that love could prevail. That their love was bigger than broken trust and secrets that had good intentions.

Steve sighed too, leaning over just enough to lay his head on Bucky's shoulder. In a swift motion, Bucky extended his arm to pull Steve even closer - squeezing tight and pressing a kiss to the top of his head.

Avery was full of gratitude when she woke up the next morning. Although the couch in Crystal's living room hasn't been the most luxurious piece of furniture to sleep on, it was good enough for a makeshift bed. Following their movie, Crystal had gently asked once more if Avery wanted to talk about what was troubling her but Avery declined giving a formal answer.

It was so crazy. She stared up at the ceiling in the shallow light of the early morning - wondering just how she had gotten to this exact point. Happenstance, she supposed. Each action and step she had taken led her down this path. This path - did it really lead back to her dead brother? To her not-dead brother? Every time she tried to rationalize the idea, her brain went haywire.

It couldn't be possible.

She had wept at his headstone many times since his death. How could she have been mourning someone who wasn't really gone from earth?

But…

Was it really that crazy of an idea? Avery herself has been snapped out of existence and she never would have thought that possible. There have been aliens and time travel and revolutions and superheroes - she was dating two men who were born over 100 years ago. If that concept was possible - could Jeremy's story be possible, too? She was naive to think it couldn't be.

But where did she start?

A tiny voice appearing beside the couch snapped Avery from her spiral.

"Hullo?"

Avery turned her head slightly to see who she could only assume was Claire standing a few feet away from her. Clad in a mix of pajama sets - the top had pink unicorns while the pants looked Christmas themed - the small blonde girl was staring quite intensely at Avery. Clutching a stuffed bear in her arms, she shifted on her bare feet.

"Mumma said I can watch puppies," Claire said quietly, looking from Avery to the TV across the room. "Please."

Avery shuffled to sit up on the couch, poking her head in the direction of the hallway to see if she could call Crystal for whatever this meant. She could hear the water running in the bathroom sink so Avery just smiled at the child standing in front of her and reached for the remote. "I'm sure I can figure that out for you."

She swung her legs off the couch and managed to get onto the streaming app to find the superhero dog cartoon for Claire. Much to her surprise, Claire bounded over and made herself comfortable on the other end of the couch.

Avery's smile grew even wider as she got a good look at the small girl - her pale blonde hair was just like Crystal but the shape of her face, from her wide eyes to her button nose, well, that was all Seth.

"Did you sweep on the couch?" Claire tipped her head to the side, catching Avery watching her.

"I did," Avery replied with a coy smile.

"What'syour name?"

"Avery."

Claire gasped, moving to sit up on her knees. She inched closer towards Avery. "Like me. My name is Claire Ave-uh-wee."

Avery nearly choked as she took in a breath, bringing her hands up to cover her mouth. She couldn't even believe Crystal and Seth had done such a thing to honour Avery's memory - of course they had ended up together in the five year gap, thinking Avery would never be alive or in their life again. Yet here she sat, in Crystal's living room watching morning cartoons with their daughter.

Avery reminded herself to keep breathing. "That's a very pretty name."

Crystal appeared in the living room area a few moments later, throwing her hair up into a ponytail as she smiled at her daughter and Avery on the couch together. "Hey - are we thinking cereal or waffles this morning, kiddo? Daddy is picking you up in half an hour so we've gotta get dressed, too."

"Mumma, is Ave-uh-wee staying for breakfast wi' us?"

Crystal looked to be swallowing a grin. "If she wants to."

"I would go with cereal, if I was you," Avery said with a smile, looking over at Claire. The young girl's face lit up and she reached for Avery's hand.

"C'mon."

On Fridays, Avery had an early lecture on campus. She promptly decided she was going to skip it and hoped Sudi could provide notes. After a lovely morning with Claire and Crystal, including a very awkward appearance of Seth at the door picking up his daughter, Avery knew she had to get out of Crystal's hair. Though her old friend did mention she was more than welcome to stay another night if she needed to.

There were two things Avery realized when she dropped onto a subway seat later that morning. First, she couldn't recall the last time she had gone this long without communicating with Bucky or Steve. She was torn between guilt and anger still, so while she had turned her phone back on, she was ignoring all their messages and voicemails.

Second to that, it dawned on her pretty quickly that she was not going to do well straying from her normal morning routine. That was something her brain seemed to need to ensure success in her day - waking up, doing a few stretches or yoga with Bucky if he was home, enjoying a coffee with one or both of the boys before she left the house. And, of course, her breakfast always involved taking her medication. But now that she was out and her home was out of reach, she was feeling anxious. Which was ironic, really, because she was already starting to spiral about whether the anxiety was real or just because she missed her meds or if she was creating a self fulfilling prophecy by not taking her meds and giving herself anxiety and -

The subway announcement indicating her stop was next served to be enough of a distraction to course correct and set Avery on her way with a level head.

Her destination that morning was her old stomping grounds in Park Slope - Bea's apartment. Even climbing the stairs, just being inside the stairwell, unlocked a string of memories Avery had packed away. Laughing with Bucky as he carried three new plants up to her apartment, hooked onto Steve's back as he carried her up to Bucky's following another night at the karaoke bar, arguing with both boys about what movie they were going to watch that night..

How could those boys - two people she loved more than anything else in the world - do anything with a bad intention? They couldn't. But every time Avery let herself rationalize the events that had unfolded at Steve's old apartment, she couldn't get beyond the fact that her brother might be alive and no one told her.

No, they did. They did tell her.

They just told you after the fact. Everyone else got to know before you.

Avery nearly walked directly into the door at the end of the fifth floor. She pulled open the door with a heavy sigh and dragged her feet along. Was she tired or exhausted? Weren't those just the same? She had slept well enough but emotionally this felt worse than a hangover. When Bea answered her door with a smile on her face and colour in her cheeks, Avery nearly collapsed with relief.

She had visited once, following Bea's trip to the hospital. Avery spent a Sunday afternoon with the older woman who couldn't move without any kind of assistance. Now, she was using a compact walker and seemed to be in better spirits. Ray greeted Avery with a hug when she came in, offering a cup of coffee and fresh baking.

Now Avery spent the entire morning with them, very quickly going over a summary of Bea's current healthcare plan for recovery ('I'm telling you, sweetie - I'm getting better at these memory tests. My warden Ray is keeping a close eye.') then simply doing the usual - catching up on old episodes of The Price is Right and the other daytime classics. Ray slipped out in the middle of it all, given he still occupied the space across the hall and liked to watch some of his own shows alone.

"Avery, sweetie." Bea was finishing off her most recent cup of tea, placing it on the table beside her armchair as her cat Wallace took his rightful spot on her lap. "You know, James came by here very early this morning. Looking for you." The older woman was peering at Avery through her wide framed lenses, making a point to raise an eyebrow curiously. "He's worried about you."

Avery sighed, stretching herself into a horizontal position on the couch. If only the sweater she borrowed from Crystal that morning could swallow her whole. "Yeah. He should be."

"I can lift this walker," Bea replied slowly. "Hit him right in the knees."

Avery couldn't help but laugh at the mental image of Bea attacking Bucky with her walker. And of course, Bucky would just take it and apologize.

"I'll let you know if I need that." Avery tangled her hands together as they rested on her stomach. She turned her head to meet Bea's gaze across the room. "He changed my life, you know. Bucky. Meeting him and Steve.. changed everything. But the thing about change is that it keeps going. It's constant and sometimes I can accept that. Other times, it's too fast and too painful to grasp and more than anything it's beyond my control. I have a hard time with that."

Avery didn't always need a plan - she wasn't the same Type A as her sister. But she liked to know what was going on, what might happen, how she could contribute. Maybe that was part of the problem she was facing - there were too many uncontrollable variables that she didn't get to know about.

Whenever these thoughts weighed heavily on her, she loved having Steve. Talking was one of his preferred ways of problem solving - digging into what was really going on and causing the troubling emotions. Five years of grief counselling seemed to settle him into this role in their relationship - he was a fixer. She could see it in her head so perfectly - pacing around the kitchen and dining room, blabbering on and on about all her thoughts while Steve wouldn't even bat an eye. He'd listen and understand and offer a different point of view, though always favouring what he figured she might need to hear.

Bucky, on the other hand, countered with tough love and realism. It always seemed like a perfect balance between the three of them.

But when she needed to talk about this weight in her chest that had been caused by Steve and Bucky, she felt more and more like she was floundering. When she finally left Bea's, her thoughts seemed to compound more and more. She had no idea what her next steps were, if she should just go home or if she -

Crystal: hey - not sure what your plan is tonight but I figured I'd make my case here and see if you wanted to extend this sleepover. I'm picturing pre-drinks then dancing at Hideaway
Crystal: full disclosure I have not had a night out in a while so I want to indulge

Avery took a deep breath then made a decision. Given her headspace, she knew this was probably a bad idea. But was she ready to go home? She wasn't sure.

Avery: okay yeah I'm in. though you may need to loan me a dress.
Crystal: deal
Avery: I'll grab wine on my way back to your place, sounds like a fun night!

well there is a lot to unpack here folks! When I tell you I've been waiting for this Crystal reunion since the end of the first story! I changed the approach a few times along the way but Avery is certainly at the beginning of an emotional crisis that is heavily tied to her family and past, so it made sense to me that she might reach out to someone who might understand that side of things like an old friend. and hooooo-eeeeee, boys. there was no way this was going to be easy but yikes.

On a more delicate note: my intention with this story was for the sex scenes to serve a purpose - I want it to be clear this intimacy has an emotional tie for all of them. It's a comfort, a security blanket, maybe a distraction but always a moment of trust in one another. I guess it's just really important for me to write what I know and feel and something that I want to help normalize - that sometimes there is no sex in a relationship, sometimes there is a lot and sometimes it serves different needs for different people at different stages or times in their relationships.

I've just been nervous about some of this plot movement and I'm nervous about the perception or interpretation. Writing is a very cathartic thing for me (because who doesn't need some escapism in their life?) and I have spent so much time planning and dreaming of these three and this plot and their story and future.

That being said, if you're still here with me, thank you for reading! Every favourite, follow, visit and review mean the world to me. Thank you especially to those who reviewed the last chapter: Katie MacApline, AndTheSaintsAreAllMadeOfGold, KEZZ 1, Winchestergurl4life, qmione, babytigerclub15. Your thoughts and feelings and reactions mean so much to me! thank you.

Next up: an impromptu girls night, having a drink with your officemate and the fallout.