.

There's nothing left
So save your breath
Lying in wait
(Caught inside this tidal wave)
Your cover's blown
Nowhere to go
Holding your fate
(Loaded I will walk alone)

Fire your guns
It's time to run
Blow me away
(I will stay, in the mess I made)
After the fall
We'll shake it off
Show me the way

Only the strongest will survive
Lead me to heaven, when we die
I am the shadow on the wall
I'll be the one to save us all

Breaking Benjamin – Blow me away

Chapter 18 ~ There is a Hell, believe me I've seen it

"Keehla…"

Tali's voice was a mere shellshocked whisper in my radio. I looked back to find my quarian mechanic slowing down her advance to stare up, modified Katana clutched in her hands. Behind, Jack hastened through the doorway, followed by Massani and Kasumi. The maniac skirted the quarian without breaking stride, then did a double-take.

"W…what the actual fuck…"

Indeed. This wasn't just bad; this was worse than a box full of dead kittens.

I forced myself to turn around once more and face the central chamber. Or better the myriad of oval pods, that covered the arching ceiling of the sheer endless cavern before me.

We have been turned into a source of easily renewable and completely recyclable energy; the dead liquified and fed to the living.

Ya. I swear to god, next time Jeff offered one of his classics for movie night, I'd throw him straight out the airlock.

I stomped on the icy tendril of fear before it could creep up my spine and twirl itself around my throat. Yet the doubts kept eating on me. How the bloody hell were we supposed to find anyone in this mess? Where would we even start?

I signaled my tac team to move on. Nothing but searching and hoping against all hopes. The four fell in behind me and I heard Jack curse in colorful terms about some Princess Buttercup, followed by the clarification that she never signed up for crawling around oversized space ovaries. It sounded forced and thin but I understood. Sometimes a thick layer of sarcasm was the only shield that stood between soldiering onwards and curling into a ball weeping.

At least we had so far moved in undetected, especially thanks to EDI shifting the Normandy's signals to broadcast Collector vessel. They even opened the gates for us. Apparently, Collectors weren't too keen on looking out of the windows either. Thank the universe for small favors.

Speaking of… Through the fabric of my belt bag I touched the small multi-interface computer device. Thanks to Tali and her almost compulsive need to fill every free crate on the Normandy with scraps and spares, all teams had a copy. It contained our little surprise for Harbinger and its ilk. Between deciphering the IFF and recycling our air, EDI had adapted parts of her cyber warfare routines – and with a bit of luck we would very soon watch from a front row seat how this cursed space station got wiped off the face of the known universe. Literally.

It was a simple plan: Find the mainframe. Deploy the virus and ensure it has enough time to mess up the drive system control. Run like hell. No bombs, no one staying behind to push the goddamn trigger. Not this time. I still checked for the two pounds CL20 stored in my ammo bag. If all those N7 operations taught me one thing than to bring a fallback strategy. Always.

But first the crew. They –

I stopped at another pod.

Inside floated an unmoving body. Some pods had contained Collectors. Some Husks. Some human shapes slowly… digested. But this… I frowned and stepped closer. Inside was something else. Dead, yes, but different. For one it was still distinctively human. And female; her grey skin molded around pieces of tech in eerie perfection. Metal ridges protruding from her slim body; crooked fingers tipped by sickle-shaped talons; all blending into one repulsive beauty.

Not a Husk. A hybrid. Like Saren.

I looked at her face and my heart stopped.

It was mine.

No! Impossible!

My mind shrieked at me in terror. I reached out, hand shaking. Touched the surface of the pod. This was a nightmare. A fucking nightmare.

"Shepard?"

Tali's voice cut through the curtain and I whirled around, but no sound was coming out my throat. She stepped closer and I halted her with a gesture. I looked back at the pod.

The woman was just another woman. Sure, there might have been a vaguely resemblance between us, but that was all. What the…

"It's okay. Just one more reason to get rid this place," I forced out, more croak than voice, while wrestling my fears once more into some dark corner at the back of my mind. Yep, pretty much getting crowded in there. "Let's keep moving."

Suddenly EDI's voice sounded in my ear.

"Commander. I'm picking up a weak omni-tool signal thirty meters ahead of you. It's one of ours."

"Got it." I started to run, my squat once more falling in behind.

"Also, team Bravo is heading your way," the AI added and then sound of gunfire erupted in my earpiece.

"Shepard!" Garrus shouted over the noise. "We're coming in hot!"

.~'*'~.

The Mantis, not far to my left, spat thunder and I rammed the butt end of Massani's vindicator against the yellow, crystallized front cover of the pod. Kelly's eyes, wide and filled with stark terror, locked on me. Tiny cracks appearing on the pod. Tiny cracks appearing on her skin. She screamed, a soundless horrifying scream as liquid climbed into her mouth, her fists drumming against the cover.

I hit the pod again. And again. Around me bullets sizzled, deflected by the small Barrier Jack had put up to cover my back.

Mouth gaping, my Yeoman's eyes bulged. Her fingers crawled and dug at the transparent surface, leaving an ugly smear. I yelled and hit faster, my shouts drowning in the noise of battle. Her hair came apart. The cracks on her face widened. Droplets of red painted the liquid. A stream. Her head sunk forward against the cover.

No.

Nononono, goddammit no.

Her frantic gaze was still fixed on me, and then just inches away from me she… disintegrated. Skin and flesh, shrinking away. Bone where her nose and cheek had been. Grayish fluid billowed out her empty eye sockets.

Kelly, I'm so sorry…

I doubled over and vomited all the meals I ever had.

"Shep?" I heard Jack ask and I lifted my hand. I wiped my mouth on the inside of my upper arm and hoisted the assault rifle. My world shrunk down once more. Aim. The target. Don't think. Move. Fight. Function. Vanguard.

"Too late... we're too late. Fuck! We move out!" I spat and dove for the next cover.

The biotic dropped the sphere and we joined the skirmish. I downed a Collector in a hail of slugs then threw a quick gaze over my shoulder. There, cowering close to the wall, was the Doc. Karin looked sick but gave me a weak smile and a tiny thumbs-up.

Minimal casualties.

We've been in time for most of them and I logically should be grateful. It wasn't working. Just got myself a new set of faces to haunt my dreams. Kelly. Rolston. Patel. Funny how people like to stretch on the minimal, while it's in truth the casualties that keep you awake at night and slowly turn you into a fucking basket case.

The last hostile fell. Finally. A moment to catch our breath. I waved off Garrus' concerned look. I was fine. With a capital F.

We've been discovered and it set off our clock. We had to clear out before Harbinger could organize the drones and grind us into the ground with numbers.

If we run back now we will certainly be able to escape unscathed.

I looked around and the haunted gaze of the seven survivors drilled into me. I made my decision within the fraction of a heartbeat. We all knew that walking away had never really been an option.

I handed Zaeed his rifle back and took a deep breath. "Ladies and gents, the countdown is on. The Collectors know we're here and there is still one more thing to do. We came this far and, god forbid, we won't stop now! They have taken too many. All those colonists. Our friends. Family. But this is our chance. We will end them. Here and today." Gods. I sucked at speeches. "

But first we need to see some of us safe," I said and nodded towards Karin who checked on a gash on Hadley's face. "I'm giving you an escort. You think you can make it back to the ship?"

"We do." Donnelly staggered upright with the help of the drell. "Anything but dying in here…"

"Alright. Kasumi, Tali, Samara. I want you to create a few diversions. Try to draw the Collectors away from the main routes and off the crew, but also fall back to the ship eventually. The rest of you, I need to escort the Doc and our crew mates back to the Normandy. Keep them alive by any means. I know you can do this," I said locking my gaze with Jack who was about to balk.

"Aye. Commander," the biotic merely said, then added a small salute for me. Had she just… I almost expected the ground to tear open, barfing out the Four Apocalyptic Horsemen to announce with fire and brimstone the imminent end of all creation.

The turian had stiffened. Oh yeah, he would like the next part even less.

"Joker?" I said opening a link to my Flight Lieutenant. "I'm sending the survivors and the escort back now. Wait for the rest of us as long as you can, but if the Collectors start to overrun the ship, you WILL pull out, no matter what! Understood?"

"Understood, Commander."

I looked each of my crew, soldier and comrade into the eyes. All but the turian sniper. Coward. "One more thing: Good luck everybody."

"And what about you?" Garrus finally asked with way too much casualness for the tight grip he had on his Mantis.

"Miranda and Jacob are not far ahead. I'll rendezvous with them on my way to the drive core." They also had Grunt with them and Legion. Perfect. "Then we proceed as planned. One way or the other," I told him flatly.

In midst our staring contest, Tali came over and squeezed my hand. She mumbled something that sounded like a quarian prayer and then they cleared out.

Again; all but the turian sniper whose expression had gained a dangerous edge. Yep, no intelligent life here. Heaven save me from men jumping the damsel-in-distress train.

"Lemme guess, Vakarian," I said in resignation while drawing my faithful Stiletto. Then fell into an easy jog I could keep for hours. "It's called 'Death on your terms'?"

Garrus caught up beside me. "Actually it's 'making sure Shepard won't do anything stupid', but 'death on my terms' might work as well."

We fell silent and left the chamber of horrors. He hadn't asked those painfully obvious questions and I was grateful for it.

We would mourn the dead later.

After all, there were still a damn lot of Collectors to kill.

.~'*'~.

"YOU WON'T SURVIVE, VERMIN."

The collector managed to rasp just before the turian's bullet drove into its head and rode out with pieces of brain on the other side. It collapsed in the aisle to trip its companion that had followed behind. My Stiletto took care of it and then I ducked back behind the server rack we had tossed over shoved against the door frame. The krogan's battle cry roared up behind me and made my ears ring.

We had reached the station's drive core and now the enemy had us pegged down in the nearby control room. And the short but narrow aisle that crawled with Collectors was the only exit.

"Legion! What's keeping you so long?" I shouted at the geth working on the console built into the wall to the left.

"Shepard-Commander. Station's AI has circumvented initial hijacking routines. Adaption of code necessary. Estimated time left five minutes."

"We don't have five minutes!" Jacob exclaimed and released a salve into the aisle then ducked behind the right side of the doorframe to let his shields regenerate.

"Yes we do!"

Miranda scrambled up to her knees from where she had sunken to the floor in exhaustion, wiping away the small trickle of blood that was running from her nose. Bad sign. The XO was at the very end of her rope, her big brown eyes already glassy. I gestured her to stay put and reached out for my biotics instead. So far I had been rationing my strength but as it was we could hardly afford to hold back anything. We had lost radio contact with the Normandy. Our clip stock had shrunken dramatically. Any minute we would be down to knives with my overheated Stiletto as the only backup. For a moment the energy bucked and twisted like a living thing and then it snapped taunt, balancing inside me. A blue sphere sprung from my hands, widening and pushing into the aisle like a big protective bubble blocking out the Collectors.

Thank you, Samara, I thought and closed my eyes for a moment to seek and get a firm hold on my inner balance, so much easier now that I knew how to tie those two sides of me down and make them work together.

"Program deployed. Drive core's system parameters altered successfully," the geth finally said. "Shepard-Commander, in 25 minutes Earth-coordinated time the station will leave its orbit and enter the black hole's accretion disk. We advise to proceed to the station's exit immediately."

No shit. I grimaced, looking at the milling horde of Collectors on the other side of the Barrier.

"Garrus," I said through clenched teeth, a trickle of sweat forming above my brow. "There's a pack of CL20 in my ammo bag. If you arm it, you have about six Citadel secs before the thing goes off. I'll drop the Barrier and you throw as far as you can. It should distract them long enough for us to clear out. Got it?"

"Affirmative."

He fished the explosive from my bag.

"Ready?"

"Ready."

"Fire in the hole!" The turian shouted.

I let the Barrier fell and dropped to the ground behind the steel rack, covering my head. The detonation roared through the short tunnel like a thousand thunderstorms and then a wave of heat passed over me. My ears were ringing. My skin felt scalded. Dizzy, I pushed myself up. Tiny flickering flames licked at the walls of the aisle and at things beyond but nothing else stirred.

"We're clear!" Jacob said and vaulted over the severely damaged rack.

"Everybody, move NOW!" I shouted over my distorted hearing and helped to pull the turian back to his feet.

"Sorry, Officer Lawson," Grunt mumbled and hoisted the Cerberus agent over his shoulder, her legs dangling down his massive chest. "But you've heard the Commander. We've gotta go."

Following Jacob, I skittered along the short aisle and out into another chamber. My boots slipped on wet. Ugh. I did a quick perimeter scan. Here and there a few limbs twitched. Ten paces ahead a Collector tried to stagger upright. I downed it with my Stiletto and sprinted after Jacob, ready to spring up my biotics in defense while navigating through debris and trying not to look too closely on the damage the explosives had wielded and painted the deck with.

Chamber after chamber. Aisle after aisle. I had lost count of how many times we had to pull back because the path before us was blocked, either by too many Collectors or closed doors and no time to hack them. If not for Legion shouting directions we would have probably been lost after the first dozen turns.

Finally we reached the chamber where Kelly and the others had died. I suppressed the lump in my chest and instead used my knife to turn a Husk into a pez dispenser. I eyed the counter on my omni-tool. 8 minutes, 34 seconds until this station went literally to hell. Swell. A bullet sizzled past me and I zigzagged towards the chamber's exit, my heart drumming hard in my chest. My shields were down the permanent way. Our clips gone. My biotics drained. Still no contact to the ship. Boy, we were screwed. We would never make it like this. Behind me the horde thundered.

"RUN, BUT YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE YOUR DESTINY!"

Uh-huh.

Followed by my turian rear guard I ran past Legion who kneeled next to the doors' gutted console. The door snapped shut behind us and the geth fell in beside me.

"How long will it keep them?" I asked, my gaze fixed on the limp dark-haired woman ahead who bounced about as graceful as a sack of potatoes on the krogan's back.

"If Collectors try to hack the block, ten minutes. If they use firearms and brute force, 60 seconds."

Double swell.

3 minutes, 14 seconds left and we galloped towards the wide hangar where we had entered the station. Countless dead Collectors littered the floor.

The Normandy was gone.

I looked around again but the ship still wasn't magically appearing out of thin air. Great. Just great. My heart sunk into my stomach, the icy apprehension I had pushed away successfully until now returning with full force. Sure, I had given the order myself but I also had no intention of dying here either.

Jacob cursed, Grunt kicked repeatedly against an unmoving drone and I shared a look with Garrus.

This is it.

Back where we had come from I could hear Harbinger lament vociferously through the throats of a dozen Collectors about our imminent demise. The grip on my gun tightened.

"Just so you know," I informed the turian. "I don't regret a thing."

"Neither do I." His ice-blue gaze pierced into me.

"Good, because…"

Static noise erupted in my ear.

"…oldilocks! …ere the fuckin' …uck ar… you?"

Jack?!

"Drop zone! Where are you?"

"Sit tight," the ex-convict said, the connection becoming better. "The cavalry is coming."

A few seconds later the Kodiak hovered into view and I could have sunken down, thanking the universe on my knees. The shuttle closed in, one gun-blazing Massani standing in the open door like a fucking action hero.

We started running. From my left, three armed Collectors stumbled into view. I shouted a warning and ripped up my gun. The Stiletto bucked and blocked. I touched my biotics, but exhaustion shredded my concentration. Massani put one drone down, then another. Not fast enough. The last one aimed at me and pulled the trigger. I cursed and tried to dodge. Too close. Too late. Jacob's face hovered before me, an ugly ugly flower of red blooming on his forehead. He was smiling at me.

His eyes glazed over and I watched him fall.

Jacob, oh no…

I howled, howled in blind, endless rage, and in this moment of vulnerability something snatched for me.

A spike of pain drilled right into my brain. My muscles spasmed and I stumbled, a sense of an enormous presence crushing down on me. Suddenly Garrus was there, his arms clasping around my middle as he dragged me on and I couldn't feel a thing.

I was nothing; a leaf lost in a hurricane; an ant pushing against a mountain; a single particle of light in midst the infinite darkness of space.

The eye of a god had opened and was staring straight into my soul.

Now, little organic, a grating voice thundered in my head; its pressure pulling me into a world of pain. Now, you have our full, undivided attention.

AN: Damn it all! Now that I did so many rewrites and improvements on the ME2 part, the ME3 stuff feels lacking and lame *facepalm* No way I can leave it like that, so I'm heading out to give them a serious makeover as well *sigh*