Chapter 19

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Nightmares. Every time she closed her eyes she was haunted by nightmares and every single time she would be jolted awake, terrified and screaming or terrified and disoriented, there was no amount of comforting that could help for longer than it took for the arms of exhaustion to pull her under yet again, thus repeating the cycle.

That night, she woke up to one that was immensely worse than all the others and this time when she woke up screaming she dragged memories with her that flooded her mind so hard and so fast, she was unable to even breathe while having another breakdown there in front of everyone and this time she wouldn't allow anyone near her at all except Fin; she clung to him screaming and crying and trembling while incoherently babbling things that made no sense. Nick, Amanda and Brian stood watching helplessly and in utter disbelief at what they were seeing. Fin ended up sending everyone out, telling them to go back to the hotel and get some sleep while he stayed the night with Olivia and held her the entire time. Eventually she gave in to sleep again and this time Fin didn't let her go once she did. He sat in bed with her in his arms all night while she slept and miraculously she managed to get through the entire night without another nightmare and slept peacefully until morning.

When morning did arrive, it brought with it terrible morning sickness. Her nausea had been present the day before but she'd somehow managed to not throw up but today it came back with a vengeance. When she woke up she almost freaked out before realizing that it was Fin she was laying on, feeling the nausea immediately and quickly got out of bed, limping to the bathroom just in time before her stomach mercilessly forced the vomit from her mouth and now, 15 minutes later she was still on her knees retching violently. That, coupled with her already bruised ribs and she was in sheer agony, sobbing in between heaves.

"Liv… you alright in there?" she heard Fin ask from the other side of the bathroom door.

"I'm okay" her voice was weak, shaky and in spite of her attempts to muffle her cries, Fin could her pained whimpers through the door.

"Baby girl I'm gonna get the doctor" she paused. The last thing she wanted was to be poked and touched again but the pain was so bad right now…

"Liv?" he called softly as if seeking her permission

"Okay…" she agreed, her voice small as she wiped her tears. She heaved again but this time nothing came up and she was thankful. There hadn't been any food in her stomach since she'd thrown up what little dinner she'd managed to choke down the night she'd escaped which meant that she was throwing up acidic bile and her throat burned horribly from it.

Gripping the sink for leverage, she pulled herself up, her legs shaky and flushed the toilet, quickly leaning over the faucet to rinse her mouth. When she straightened up, she wasn't aware of the mirror over the sink and for the first time in three months she saw her own face and she froze. She didn't recognize the person staring back at her; her right eye, black and swollen shut from the beating the night before, a prominent bruise and cut sitting on her cheekbone just below her left eye. Both of her lips were split and there were huge purple handprints on her neck in addition to her face being almost sunken in. Slowly, she touched her fingertips to her face and gasped as more tears fell .

She reached behind her and untied the strings on her hospital gown, allowing it to fall away to reveal her naked body and a sob ripped from her throat; there wasn't an inch of her that wasn't covered in bruises and cuts of varying degrees and she could see Harlan's handprints all over her skin - purple, black and blue. Her breasts, hips, waist, arms; her shoulders, neck and thighs. Even her small swell where the baby lay - all the areas he'd grabbed too tightly while he…

"TAKE IT BITCH!" he grunted with punishing thrusts. He had her body pinned between himself and the bedroom floor, squeezing the very breath from her lungs, his large hands around her neck while he took her from behind.

"Please…" she cried in a whisper, begging for breath and mercy but he withheld both, tightening his hold while increasing the brute force with which he slammed into her, no easy feat with the tension in her muscles that made it all the more painful for her.

"You wanna breathe?" he whispered ominously in her ear "You let it feel good, and you cum! You cum good for Daddy or so help me god I will end you right now!"

A knock on the door startled and pulled her from the flashback, send her stumbling backwards away from the mirror and into the wall. When her bare back touched the cool surface, it further frightened her and she nearly jumped out of her skin as a cry escaped her.

"Olivia?" Dr. Aimes called from the other side

"Go away!" Olivia sobbed as she sank to the floor.

"Liv…baby girl, open the door!" Fin cried "Please Liv" but by this point she had already begun tuning them out, already rocking herself, her hands covering her ears as she squeezed her eyes shut and tears ran in torrents down her face while she whispered again and again…

"Please go away, please go away, please go away, please go away…"

.

"Yeah… we'll keep you posted" Nick promised Murphy before hanging up and putting his phone down on the counter where he and Brian currently sat, having breakfast in the restaurant across the street from their hotel.

"Murphy still bustin your balls?" Brian asked after a hearty sip of his coffee.

"Surprisingly, no." Nick responded with a sigh, irritated by Brian's presence and somewhat confused by Murphy's behavior. He and Murphy had no love-loss between them and he expected that even if he would give Fin and Rollins a pass, his commanding officer would have more than savored the opportunity to jump down his throat… "He's just concerned about Liv"

"Same with Tucker…" the two men continued eating in an uncomfortable silence, Nick glaring at Brian in between bites of food and sips of coffee until finally, Brian spoke up.

"Alright Amaro…" he said wiping his mouth with his napkin "Let's just get it over with"

"Get what over with?" Nick asked innocently before shoveling another forkful of his omelet into his mouth and taking a sip of coffee

"Look, I know you're upset about what happened with me and Rollins"

"I'm… not gonna talk about that" Nick said, jaw clenching and the silence resumed. "But I will say this: how the hell have you been acting so love sick, so concerned about Liv all these months, crying over the way you left things, so sorry that you let her go… sorry that you weren't a better man and then making promises that you would "do whatever it takes to make things right with her because she's your everything" while you're doin the horizontal tango with Rollins!"

"One time! It happened one time!"

"It shouldn't have happened at all!"

"I know that, but in the moment… look I'm not trying to excuse it"

"Aren't you? Cassidy I swear to god if you let your fuckery hurt Liv…she can't deal with anyone's drama right now"

"You don't think I know that?" Brian seethed "Were we not both with her yesterday when that episode happened? Both of us watching her cower in the corner and screaming from whatever the hell was in her head? Whether you believe it or not, I do love Liv and I do wanna make things right… I'm here for her."

Before Nick could respond, his phone rang. "Yeah Fin? …Alright… yeah, we're on our way"

"Liv?" Brian asked as Nick reached for his wallet

"Yeah…she's not good" the waitress came by with the breakfast and coffee to go that Nick had ordered for Fin

"Should we call Rollins?"

"She's…not too good herself right now. We should let her sleep." Nic said as he grabbed the bag then left the diner with Brian.

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In her suite, Amanda was slowly falling apart and hadn't been able to stop crying since they got to the hotel last night and had eventually cried herself to sleep, not thinking that Nick or Brian could hear her but they had and when they got up and headed out to the hospital, she was simply too distraught to even pull herself out of bed and pretended to be asleep.

Now, still hiding out under the covers, she didn't know how she would go into the world today, or any day and be okay. How could she after watching the strongest person she'd ever known, completely fall apart. Olivia was her mentor in every way – even in ways that the woman herself didn't realize. Amanda had always looked up to Olivia, even as a wide eyed detective in Atlanta but since meeting her, it had grown into something more than just admiration, even though he woman intimidated the hell out of her; still does sometimes, she'd grown to love Olivia with all her heart and seeing her so broken, even in spite of trying to keep Nick's spirits up, it had proven to be more than Amanda could handle and now today she didn't know how she could face her again, how she could be strong and help her through when all she wanted herself was to curl up in a ball and die.

"You gotta do it, Mandy…you gotta get up and you gotta just do it!" she tried to pep-talk herself as she threw the covers off her head but her tears came quickly and there it was again, her stomach tying itself in a painful knot and she couldn't breathe as she tried with great failure to swallow the lump in her throat but it only resulted in sobbing that sent her sinking even deeper beneath the covers and letting out a huge, angry scream that she was glad neither Nick or Brian were around to hear as she wrapped her arms around herself and cried for the woman she loved like a sister.

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"You are officially a hero for helping take down one of the biggest human traffickers in history, my man!" Agent Kent Brock said to his colleague as they prepared to leave the bunkers at Quantico after a two-month long debriefing upon their return from a three year operation that had sent them deep undercover and allowed contact with no one who wasn't a top FBI official. The two had been thankful that the mission was finally over and that they were now back on American soil.

"Yeah, but at what cost?" his colleague asked as he stared absently at the newscast on the television… today being the first time he'd actually watched TV in over three years. He had no real interest in what was being said and kept the broadcast muted "I don't know about you but I gave up everything for this mission an entire life and I don't know how much of it is even still there after all this time" he contemplated sorrowfully.

"Hey, part of the job right? Making sacrifices for the greater good" Kent tried to sound nonchalant but he felt the burn in those words. He had lost everything to this job a long time ago and knew the hurt that his partner would be in for at finding out that nothing about his life would be the same after this. They had been completely cut off from the world they knew for three years; in character 24 hours a day, seven days a week as ruthless, unscrupulous men, the only time they ever broke character was the 15 minutes every other Sunday night that they would be allotted to report what they had to headquarters while travelling Europe, Asia and the Middle East with the sick fucks they were trying to take down.

"The greater good…" he'd known what he was sacrificing. When the FBI had first approached him about being a part of this mission his wife had warned him that f he took it, their marriage would be over, she would take their son and divorce him and he had actually reconsidered it but then that day came when necessary action blew his world apart and he just needed to get away and nothing, not his wife's threats or she, nothing could stop him and so, without a word, he left. The word that was sent down to his captain was that he'd put in his papers and retired but even his captain hadn't known the truth, nobody did except 1PP and his wife but looking back, he wished every day that he had told her the truth instead of letting her think that he'd just walked away from her. He can't even imagine what that must have done to her. He'd known that he was her rock, the person she trusted most in the world and he destroyed that trust. Three whole years with no contact but not a day of those years went by where he didn't think about her, wonder if she was okay and pray that in time her heart would forgive him.

"You got plans now that it's over?"Kent asked

"Yep" was all he'd offered with his signature grin on his face. When they'd gotten off that plane two months ago, his very first thought was her. Things were already irretrievably broken with he and his wife and so aside from his plans to try to reconnect with his son who was just a toddler when he left, every ounce of his focus would be on making things right with her. He missed his best friend and wanted to run to her the second her got back but they had to be detained for two months following their return – they had to be debriefed and in doing so had to undo the covers that had become part of them for the last three years. Now however, Cillian Fox had been put to rest and Elliot Stabler was back to his old self and he was eager to get back to his old life.

"Care to share?"Kent asked, wondering what was going through his partners head.

"Just gonna right some wrongs." He answered as the door opened and in walked their Chief commanding officer, sending the two men standing to their feet to greet him.

"Brock… Stabler, cut the formalities!" he ordered the two men who immediately relaxed and took their seats again. "So… you two ready?" the chief asked

"…never been more ready for anything in my life, Sir!" Elliot answered

"Mind if I turn this up?" Kent asked as he picked up the television remote and did just so without waiting for a response.

"And we bring you more on the story out of Lancaster Pennsylvania where an NYPD Sergeant who'd gone missing three months ago, turned up at a local hospital after having escaped her captor..."

The voice said from the television to which Elliot still paid no attention to as he conversed with his superior.

"Sergeant Olivia Benson of Manhattan's Special Victims Unit was abducted back in April…"

Elliot's head whipped around fast and hard as he got up in a trancelike state and went to the television, his eyes tearing at the image of Olivia on the screen. It was a photograph of her at her graduation ceremony, shaking hands with the commissioner as she proudly held her Sergeant's plaque in view and for a moment, Elliot's breath caught and his heart literally stopped beating as he stood transfixed in front of the screen.

"Did we know about this?" he asked the chief urgently without turning to look at the man; his heart shattering into a million pieces as he looked on, teary eyed at the person who meant most to him still, even after three long years.

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Though it took a while and a lot of waiting, Fin and Dr. Aimes eventually got Olivia out of the bathroom and after making sure that she was okay, Fin excused himself so that Dr. Aimes could have some privacy to examine her.

"You haven't asked about your baby, how it's doing…" she said softly as Olivia sat up in bed unresponsive while Dr. Aimes ran the transducer of the handheld ultrasound over the small swell of Olivia's stomach.

"It's not…I don't…" she began but was quickly stopped by the silent tears that slid down the sides of her face.

"Olivia…" Dr. Aimes began as the image of the baby came up on small screen "This pregnancy…was it a result of…"

"So you know?" Olivia asked, ashamed.

"When you were brought in you were unconscious and you were bleeding and when I examined you I saw why… there's a lot of tearing and bruising, old and new…"

"Yeah um…I really don't wanna…can we not talk about…that?" she asked in a whisper, her tears falling faster"

"It's okay. We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to." Olivia nervously ran her hand through her hair, biting her lip before putting her palms to her face to muffle her sobs, quickly pulling them away.

"Have you told anyone, do they know?"

"Your friends? No I didn't disclose that information."

"Thank you. I just… I'm not ready for anyone to know; I still don't know what I'm supposed to do, I don't…"

"I'm so sorry. To have to deal with recovering from what you've been through only to be left with a reminder…"

"Yeah. Are we done?" Olivia asked suddenly, a nerve having been struck "I'm tired"

"Almost" Dr. Aimes smiled as she continued looking at the baby, satisfied that it looked healthy. "The antibiotics seem to be working, the leg looks much better and your other injuries aren't showing any signs of infection. I'll check on you in a few hours… the baby looks good…would you like to hear the heartbeat?"

She know that she should have said no, knew that she was too far down an emotional hole but she didn't listen to her head, didn't listen to reason when it told her this was a bad idea. Like always, she listened to her heart and her heart was telling her that this baby was hers to love regardless of circumstance they'd survived this ordeal together and so it was with her eyes full of tears that she nodded a simple yes.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure" Olivia said and blew out a deep, nervous breath as Dr. Aimes handed her the tiny monitor. One look at the image of the tiny little person on the screen, the tiny little person inside her and the emotion began stirring; emotion that quadrupled when Dr. Aimes turned up the volume and the sound of the tiny beating heart filled the room. Olivia watched and listened for a long moment, trying to fight the tears that stung her eyes while biting back her sobs.

"Heartbeat's strong…you have a very healthy 12 week fetus" Dr. Aimes smiled and Olivia's began to wander

I'm gonna fuck you seven ways to Sunday until I put one in you!"

"Olivia...?" Dr. Aimes called softly, noticing the change in her patient

I think my baby maker deserves some proper affection don't you?

"Olivia, are you alright?"

…First, you gotta fuck the fight out of em, then you beat em till their will is gone. Now with a useless whore like yer mother here…"

The sound of his voice replaying in her head; those words hit her like a truck and she quickly snapped out of romanticizing the idea of the baby, the one he'd forcefully put inside her and she shoved the monitor back into Dr. Aimes' hand and grabbed the paper towel beside her to wipe the gel from her stomach, pushing the doctor's hand away.

"Like I said, I'm tired" Olivia kept her head down as she spoke to the doctor and pulled her gown down to cover her tiny bump.

"Would you like me to send in detective Tutuola?"

"No I um, I just… I just need to be alone right now." She said barely audibly while fidgeting with the covers

"I'll let him know" Dr. Aimes assured her as she put the ultrasound unit in the pocket of her coat

"Thank you." No sooner had the door shut, Olivia put her hands to her stomach and wept silently.

"I hate him for what he did to you!"

"So do I – but if he hadn't you would not be here"

She remembered that conversation with her mother as vividly as if it were yesterday and she missed her with every fiber of her being right now.

"I don't know if I can feel that way about this" she cried "I was always so sure about what I would do if I ever ended up in your situation and here I am and I don't know…I don't know and I'm scared!" her body shook with her sobs as she turned and buried her face in the pillow.

... ... ...

Outside, Nick and Brian had arrived and they all sat around the small waiting area while Fin gratefully ate the breakfast Nick brought him. The doctor had informed them that Olivia wanted to be alone and as much as they all wanted to stay close, they knew that the most important thing right now was respecting her wishes.

"At least she got a good sound sleep through the night… I'm glad" Nick said "Looking at her I wonder how long it's been since she last got one.

"Yeah, only for the damn nightmare to get her anyway after she woke up!" Fin grumbled

"I don't even wanna think about it" Brian's voice was barely audible

"If only it were that easy" Fin was struggling to keep it together and Nick could see it.

"Where's Amanda?" Fin Asked, suddenly having noticed that she wasn't with Nick and Brian

"Back at the hotel…she's having a hard time with all this and it's wearing her down" Nick told him.

"I'll talk to her" Fin said "Before I forget, Nick, you have the number for that kid… Sam?"

"Yeah, I got it right here" he answered as he pulled it up in his phone. "Why?"

"Liv wants to see him. We'll call him and see if he can come down."

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Early that afternoon, Doc entered his home, sweaty from the July heat and welcomed the cool of the central air. He had just taken a seat in the living room when Sam wandered in.

"Dad, hey! Just the person I'm looking for" he smiled when he saw his father

"How much?" Doc asked, reaching for his wallet

"No" Sam laughed, I'm good for money. It's my car, I had it sent to the shop, it stalled and I couldn't get it going again… anyway, I need a ride to Lancaster, can you hook me up?"

"Now?" Doc asked

"That's of course, if you don't mind" Sam grinned at his father. Doc gave smile as he looked up at his son.

"Of course, anything for my boy!" he said as she got out of his chair.

... ... ...

"So what's happenin in Lancaster?" Doc asked as they were pulling out of the driveway.

"The cop I helped, Sergeant Benson. Her friend called and she wants to see me."

"What?" Doc gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles as he fought to contain himself and calm his now rapidly beating heart.

"Yeah, isn't it great? Hey, maybe you could come up and meet her." Sam said cheerfully and his father felt himself dying inside.

"Uh..." he chuckled nervously "…yeah. That would be…somethin! Hey, I just remembered I need to make a stop first, you mind?" he stammered as they continued down the road.

"No, it's cool" Sam assured him.

"How the fuck do I get outta this one?" Doc wondered to himself. He would stall this little road trip for as long as he could, he couldn't show up to that hospital. "One look at my face and that cunt will have my ass in the pen quicker that I can say 'setup'…DAMN YOU TO HELL LUCIUS!"

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Olivia had managed to eat a little something and keep it down and now slept, so far, peacefully in her hospital room for the last couple hours. She had begun stirring in her sleep, her eyes suddenly shot open and she sat up in her bed, her eyes darting around the room as she steadied her breathing and reminded herself that she was safe, pulling her legs up against her chest and putting her head down on her knees when she heard the door open and she listened to the sound of footsteps as someone walked in.

"Liv…"

Her heart stopped. It had been so long since she heard it- the way he called her name. The way it fell from his lips, the tone in his voice. No one called her name the way he called her name but it couldn't be. It was just her imagination just like the day she lay dying on the floor after…it couldn't be!

"But what if…?" she thought as she slowly, fearfully raised her head and looked toward the door and the moment her eyes met his, they were both done for. His eyes welled with tears while she was in total disbelief that he was here, in front of her and he was alive and well and oh god! She was embarrassed and ashamed that he was seeing her like this and she covered her face with her palms and began sobbing as she was again inundated with more emotion than she could handle right now.

"This isn't real. You're not here!" she cried into her palms but when she felt the bed shift beneath his weight when he sat beside her and he took her in his arms, a move that didn't cause her to flinch even the slightest because even after three years of him being gone, he was still home to her and it was then, when she was enveloped in his arms, her hands still pressed against her face as she shook her head telling herself that this couldn't be happening, that it couldn't be real, she knew that it was. He was here and she was home.

"I'm real… I promise I'm real and I'm so sorry that I wasn't here to protect you from this!" she allowed herself to be lost in that embrace and she slowly threw her arms around him and held him tight as her tears continued. She inhaled his scent; he hadn't changed his cologne and that little detail brought her immense comfort.

"This isn't possible..." she cried in a whisper as her hands touched his face, her fingertips travelling over the features that were etched into her memory, breaking down as she again threw her arms around him and they held each other for dear life.

"It's okay Liv, I'm here" he soothed with a whisper, his tears falling hard. And just like that, his words angered her, making her suddenly push him away and deliver a loud, hard slap to his face."

"No… no! y-you do not get to do this, you do not get to waltz in here after all this time, you don't…you…NO!" she stammered through her sobs as she pushed him again

"Liv…"

"No! You left me, you w-walked away; you weren't there when I needed you… I don't need you anymore" she lied, shaking her head. "Leave"

"Olivia please, just let me –"

"I said leave! I swear to god Elliot I will have Nick and Fin come in here and kick the shit out of you. I can't do this right now, LEAVE!"

"Okay. Okay I'm sorry. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you, I just needed to know that you were… I'm sorry." He said before turning to leave the room. When he was gone, she burst into tears again.

... ... ...

"That was fast" Fin said as Elliot came toward him in the hall, obviously emotional from the brief reunion.

"She wasn't ready for this…" Elliot said, still shocked and thankful that Fin had allowed him the chance.

"She needed this, whether she knows it or not" Fin told him truthfully

"Doesn't feel like it"

"You know what she went through in that house. She needs all of us right now to help her through it – even your deadbeat ass!" Fin joked eliciting a half smile from Elliot.

"I know, I know… I fucked up but I can't change what I did… I just wanna be here for her now, in whatever way she'll let me"

"Just give her some time" Elliot nodded his head as he took in Fin's advice.

"Take my number" He said as he handed Fin a card from his pocket "When she's ready…"

"I'll make sure. In the meantime, you take care, don't be a stranger."

"You're not angry with me?"

"With everything goin on…I can't spare the energy. I'll just owe you an ass kicking later"

"Looking forward" Elliot said then continued on his way out.

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Thanks for reading and I'll see you all next chapter.