Chapter 42.

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Up until this past spring, the Benson method of 'conceal, don't feel' had always worked wonders for Olivia. She'd act as if the emotions she felt from any given problem were not an issue and in return, she got to spend her life living in an altered form of bliss (if you could call it that). But these past almost 8 months she's been on this roller coaster with no way to get off. It hits every low point in her life and forces her not only to relive but to respond and it's why she's been in this constant state of being inundated with emotions that are draining her. It doesn't matter if she excuses herself to go to her room or if she breaks down where she stands; 'conceal, don't feel' has all but abandoned its post and what's left is a woman who's breaking points are being put to the test and it's killing her.

For a moment she sat staring at the polish on the toes of her bare feet as her hands nervously sought..something and quickly deciding that the long sleeves of her tee shirt wouldn't make do. "Would you help me up?" She asked Elliot in a near silent voice. Her eyes were full of tears and she quickly found herself on her feet with the dark blue toes that she'd been staring at and silently began walking away.

"Liv-" Barba started.

"Just um...I need a minute!" She saidwithout turning around to look at them. "I just; give me a minute!" she walked off, heading for the kitchen. Elliot looked on as did Nick and Barba.

"I hate my job some days, and this, this is one of them!" Barba said as he got up and began pacing.

...

In the kitchen, Olivia stood against the counter as she took a deep breath and let it out through her mouth and her hand went to her belly, rubbing anxiously as her tears fell.

"This won't break you!" It came out sounding like she was unsure of herself but after a few seconds she wiped her tears and took another couple of deep breaths before she straightened up and left the kitchen, then headed back to the living room.

...

"I need to talk to him… By myself." She announced to Elliot and Nick about Barba when she came back. The three men stood, looking at one another and Barba wishing he were anywhere but here; finally it was Nick who spoke.

"Liv…" He said with Elliot right on his heels, ready to put up a struggle, but Olivia put a stop to it before they could get an argument in.

"Please" She said with a hand up. "I need to do this alone." With resistance they nodded, Elliot speaking up.

"The den's empty." She turned to go and Barba followed her after a few seconds, looking nervously at Nick and El as he went.

"I'm gonna beat the balls off this guy!" Elliot seethed as he paced the room, angrily.

"Way ahead of you, there's only one problem. They have two sergeants over at the four three and Barba wouldn't give me the name!"

...

"Liv, first I wanna say how sorry I am that I got pulled into this; I'm only sorrier that you had to go through it." Rafael said once they were settled in the den.

"How mu-" she cleared her throat "how much do you know?"

"About the case? Not much to be honest though a lot more now than I did. I've tried to be respectful, ignore the papers, the news. After Lewis I…" He had to stop himself when he felt tears well up, thinking about what he now knew. "They called from the DAs office in Pennsylvania not even an hour ago; they're faxing the file over and our DA wants me to…"

"...take the case." She finished quietly and bit her lip, nervously patting her stomach.

"...I'm gonna know everything and I; Liv I just; I'm…"

"You're sorry… I know." It was quiet for a moment, neither of them knowing what to say to the other and Rafael just wanting, both of them wanting to run. He didn't want to be involved any more than she wanted him to but they both knew that to have another ADA handle this... "They know for sure it's him?"

"That's what I needed to talk to you about!"

"So, can you do it?" Bronwyn asked the handyman as they looked over the panic room that was located behind one of the master closets of the main bedroom. All this time wondering where she would stash Olivia, and the answer was right in front of her when she went inside the closet to clean it out so that she could put her things in where her mother's once were.

"It's not a matter of if; it's a simple job...by the way, you wanna tell me why you want that? I mean, if you ever were locked inside..." He gave a laugh as he wiped his nose on the back of his hand and smudged it on his jeans. Bronwyn moved back a step, looking at him as if he were infected.

"I'm not using it as a panic room; that was my parents and they're gone now. I'm using it for fur storage." She lied.

The handyman looked her up and down "Whateva! Anyway, wit the other stuff you want done, I'd say you lookin at a week's work!?

"And when can you start?"

"Whoa lady! Slow down, I got other obligations ya know"

"I'll pay you triple."

"Is tomorrow, eight AM too early?"

Standing in front of her closet and looking at what would soon be Olivia's prison, she wondered now more than ever…

"You have to stick with your plan!" She reminded herself and just as quickly…

She sat in their bedroom listening to the sounds from the end of the hall. She'd heard crashing into walls and yelling from Harlan as Olivia screamed hoarsely, begging him to stop but Bronwyn just turned a deaf ear and pretended to go on about her chores.

"OhgodHarlanpleaseno!" She heard her cry weakly, in her already worn voice and to no avail.

"Shut up and take it, bitch!" And she heard Olivia scream again. Finally, two hours went by and by the time Harlan was done and walked out of the room with his pants unzipped and his shirt off, Bronwyn was coming up the stairs with a laundry basket.

"Man that's a wild one." He said grinning, grabbed his dick to adjust it and walked off. Bronwyn sat the laundry basket down and slowly made her way to the door of the room and unlocked it, making sure that Harlan was gone before she eased it open.

She looked inside to see Olivia struggling to get up from the floor. She was crying and her gown had been pretty much ripped off her body. She she had fresh marks to her breasts and neck as well as bruises to her face and body; the bandage on her wrist showing that even it was bleeding. Upon getting closer, Bronwyn saw that she was also trailing blood heavily from between her legs as she tried to stand, it running down her legs and collecting on the floor.

Bronwyn stared for a minute before she eased the door closed just as Olivia lost her footing and fell back down to the floor sobbing and in so much pain. She hadn't seen Bronwyn and the redhead was thankful as she quickly locked the door and sadly crept away.

"Stop it Bronwyn! You cannot afford to feel sorry for her!"

"Why not?" Came a voice.

"Who said that?" She wondered, looking around the closet with bulging eyes. Had someone gotten into the house? "I have a gun just so you know and I'm not afraid to use it!" She yelled.

"Oh come on mom; you wouldn't shoot me." When she looked down and saw that the voice came from the jar in her arms, she nearly fainted.

"Y-you…" She couldn't believe it. Her son was actually talking to her. She immediately sat down from the shock.

"I have to tell you mommy, this plan you have to kidnap Olivia and take her baby-"

"I know, it's brilliant!"

"It's not brilliant. In fact, it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

"What?"

"You're doing all of this for Harlan, well how do you think I got here in this pool of formaldehyde? He didn't want me and-"

"No darling, of course he wanted you. It was all just an accident!"

"Is that what you tell yourself?"

"But it's true"

"It isn't mommy. He didn't want me and he forced me from your womb. He took me away from you just like you want to take Olivia's baby."

"It's all for you my darling." She said, trying to reason.

"IT'S FOR HARLAN!" He said, his voice suddenly loud, deep and thunderous; sort of like…

"You're god!" She cried in fear as she dropped to her knees and bowed her head, propping her hands up in prayer formation as she looked timidly at the jar. To a normal person, they would have seen a dead, premature fetus but to Bronwyn…

"What is it that you want of me?" She prayed and got no answer. She figured she would stay there, on her knees until one came.

"Liv?" Elliot called as he knocked on her door.

"I don't wanna talk about it!" She said from inside where she sat in the rocker, attempting to knit...something. She was surprised when the door opened and he stepped inside.

"Then we won't talk about it" He said as he took a seat on the bed. "I just wanna see you, make sure you're okay."

"I'm fine" She sighed.

"Coulda fooled me." He spoke softly. "You didn't seem okay." He looked at her for a moment and when she continued with the knitting, he reached into the basket to grab the yarn, holding it for her. "What are you doing?"

"Knitting…" a look of confusion mixed with amusement crossed his face.

"You don't knit…"

"Elliot, don't start with me!" She said before she suddenly stopped and began rubbing her belly in large circles.

"You okay?" He asked, worried.

"Yeah…" She said and stretched her back. "She's gettin low on space in here!"

"Hey princess, cramped in there, huh?" He said with his hands to her belly. "Don't worry, a little over two months and you're free!"

"Granted, I don't deliver early." She said and cautiously placed her hands over his, letting them rest on her swell as their fingers slowly interlocked. They still fit so perfectly together she thought. God, even after three years he still felt right; she still felt like home they each thought as they sat there looking at one another.

"Think you might?" He asked.

"The doctor says it'll be a miracle if I don't. Thankfully not too early" She said and let out a deep breath then got teary eyed. "She should've been yours!" It came in a whisper but wasn't missed on him.

"I wish things were different too." He said but just that fast she wiped her eyes and changed the subject.

"I wondered what happened to the other men." It came almost silently. "I thought that after all these months if they didn't catch them they wouldn't but I never imagined that they'd start turning up in my own backyard."

Did she say they? He wondered "I'm sorry…"

She scratched her brow as she laughed and cocked her head sideways. "If one more person tells me how sorry they are…!" It came almost sarcastically. "I can't take hearing any more I'm sorrys. I just want… I don't know what I want but I don't want to hear I'm sorry one more goddamn time!"

As she sat stewing from her anger, Elliot stood and reached out, pulling her up and drew her into his arms. She resisted at first but then allowed herself to sink into him, holding him tight.

"Any word?" Fin asked.

"No" Nick said as he hung up the phone and plopped down at his desk. "You didn't see her Fin; I don't know what this is gonna do to her. We didn't even get it all out before she just shut down and walked away. She came back and tried to be strong but I could see it; she's breaking!"

"It was hard enough dealin with this shit when she had to worry about the people in Earl, but now it comes back to New york. Not only does it come back but it comes back with a cop and now the whole damn city has to be in on it? I swear, when I get my hands on this guy…" Fin said angrily.

"Gotta get in line, because when I find out who he is…"

Suddenly, Amanda came in and you could have heard a pin drop. She noticed some definite tension in the room and immediately went to finding out what the cause was. "What?" She asked as she sat down at her seat with the papers she had in her hands. The men looked at each other.

"Nothin" They said simultaneously. She just stared at them both for a moment, eyes shifting from Nick to Fin. They hated lying to her but they also knew that until they had more details, it'd be best to leave her out of it.

"Mmm." she said

"No Darrell? Wow!" Nick said in an attempt to change the subject.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She said looking through the paperwork. "But if you're missing him, I'm sure you'll see him at work tomorrow!" Nick laughed as she smiled.

"Yeah, okay. Well, Fin, we gotta go, that call remember?"

"Oh, yeah. See you later Rollins." He said and grabbed his coat on the way out. Rollins made sure they were gone before she looked around the squad room to make sure that everyone was busy before getting up and slipping into one of the interrogation rooms where she called Darrell, having gotten a sudden longing for him.

"It's me" she said when he answered. "You busy?"

As Rafael sat reading page upon page of the file that had come while he had been to Olivia's he felt sick.

When he had tried William Lewis just this past January, he'd known that perhaps there were some things that Olivia had left out of her statement- a lot of things that didn't make sense unless she was raped but this… This left no room for any doubts. There they were, in black and white, her statements about what happened over those three months - all that she could remember and what she couldn't (although he couldn't imagine) remember, there were police reports and more police reports; pictures of the crime scene, of Olivia and her injuries, and he didn't even want to think of the videos that would arrive by courier tomorrow. Just reading through the files he felt physically ill and had to step away several times. It was all to much! This wasn't just another case to him. Again it was Olivia, someone he knew and loved only this time every horrible thing he could imagine was right there staring at him.

He was reading about the young man, Sam Taylor and how he'd found Olivia that night on the road, how he'd saved her. How so much of this case was thanks to him and he'd been the one responsible even now for the latest turn in the case.

He'd found, in his mother's basement, the room that his father had used as his private man cave; he'd found while cleaning it out for his mother, a ledger. This ledger kept a girl's first name at the top and underneath were names and prices and dated back 10 years. Hundreds of names. The last entries were under Olivia and it kept the names of 25 men as of the date, Robert Taylor's included; prices these men had paid for being with her- over thousand dollars from each encounter. It made Rafael even sicker.

They had located fifteen of the men after all these months because they'd seen them on the recordings and savvy police work quickly led them to them. But they hadn't been able to locate the remaining men until now. The Pennsylvania DA explained that the men they couldn't locate had been found through this ledger that Sam had brought to them, that when they'd come across it, it helped them track down the remaining nine. Two, not able to face what they'd done and being afraid of the consequences had committed suicide in August. The DA was in the process of rounding up another four and the remaining three as he'd told Olivia, were all believed to be in New York city. The cop out of the 43rd, a lawyer who worked for a very reputable law firm and a banker who worked down on wall street. God his work was cut out for him!

"I can't do this!" He said with tears in his eyes. More and more as he read, he kept coming back to William. He knew that William was an evil sadist but he knew nothing compared to his father. "I wish she had gotten him worse!" He muttered to himself just as his secretary knocked on his door and poked her head in.

"I know you said you didn't wanna be bothered…"

"And I don't"

"There's an Elliot Stabler here, he says it's important." Deciding that his eyes could use a break from what they'd been glued to for the last two hours he straightened up in his chair.

"Send him in Michelle, thank you."

"Yes sir" She said before she left.

"Elliot, what can I do for you?" Barba asked as Elliot entered his office and shut the door.

"I want names!"

"Harlan… I didn't hear you come in"

"So ya are here?"

"Yes; I would have been here a few days ago but there was so much to do… Anyway, I was in the nursery putting Harlan down for his nap… Where have you been?" Harlan looked at her for a long moment before he spoke.

"Where the hell you been?" Harlan asked.

"I just told you…"

"I mean these last few days!"

"I had trial prep and I… but that's not what I wanted to talk to you about. Harlan, I think I found God!" She said, so happy she could burst.

"You found… God?" He laughed.

"I have and he's in the flesh!"

"He's in the- ya know, you been inventive, I'll give you that but now, well I just think you fuckin crazy!"

"He's here!"

"He's…?"

"I'll take you to him but first there's something else we need to talk about...while I was in the city, I discovered something life changing!"

"What? That you batshit crazy?" He said.

"No...that I'm adopted!"

"Somebody wanna tell me why you're both staring at me?" Olivia wondered. Nick and Fin had sat down in the kitchen having beers when they got here twenty minutes ago, being ultra silent when she came in and now they had taken turns staring at each other then at her. Now on the 5th go round, she was highly annoyed as she sat at the table eating a salad.

"We just wanna make sure you're alright, that's all." Fin said as he played with the label on his drink. Nick agreeing. Olivia stared at them before she turned back around and tried to continue eating and they went back to drinking in silence when Olivia felt them doing it again and threw her fork down onto her bowl and sighed.

"I know what you're doing, both of you and it's not gonna work."

"What do you mean Liv?" Nick asked, feigning innocence.

"Look, I appreciate you guys being so concerened but I'm not gonna be the cause of either of you, including Elliot doing something stupid.

"Liv…"

"No! Listen to me; there's been so much hurt this past year...I need it to end and to try to get some normalcy. I'm not gonna give you a name and have you put your careers at risk to get some form of revenge. Now please let's drop it." She said and started on her way out of the kitchen.

"Where you goin?" Fin asked.

"We have to leave tomorrow to go to Pennsylvania, I need to pack a bag." She said then made her way out.

"I hate it when she's right!" Fin grumbled as he watched her go.

At a hospital in Staten Island…

"How's the patient?" The doctor asked as he stepped into the dimly lit room.

"Other than some of the swelling decreasing; no change." The nurse said. She was gently settling the patient with clean linens, careful that she didn't hurt or bruise them at all. "No one's come forward?"

"Not as of yet." He motioned for the nurse to move aside and went to checking the patient's eyes with a light, disappointed that he saw no change. "...with the infection it's just a guessing game of when-"

"Have hope...isn't that what you always say?"

"He's going to need a lot more than hope; it'll be a miracle if he survives the infection and we still have a long way to go from there!" He said, looking at his patient who lay in a coma, on a respirator and hanging on by a thread.

See you guys next time