Chapter 59. It's almost over and maybe an extra chapter (or two) cuz I don't see it being over in 60! Anyway, Dick Wolf owns, I just borrow, enjoy.

*chapter contains rape*

.

"Hey!" Elliot smiled, greeting his daughters as he opened the door and threw his arms around the three of them, so happy to see them. It had been Christmas since he'd seen Lizzie and Kathleen and almost a week since he's seen Mo although he's talked to them since. But still, there was nothing like one-on-one time (in this case, one on three time) and he was beyond excited.

"Dad, it's freezing, can we at least get inside first?" Maureen laughed as Elliot took an extra second to hug them before he reluctantly let go and got them inside.

"So where's your brother, Dickie?" He asked as he shut the door.

"Work thing, but he promised next time." Lizzie said as she, along with her sisters, took off their coats.

"Where's Olivia?" Maureen asked as they walked into the living room, each of them carrying a load of gifts and took seats.

"She's in the bedroom, she'll be out in a minute." Elliot answered. "But listen, she may be a little standoffish, just please, bear with her. She's been though a lot the last few days, so…"

Kathleen had a pensive look about her and looked at her sisters before she decided to ask her question. "It's about when she went missing this past weekend, isn't it?"

"Kathleen!" The girls chastised.

"It's okay" Elliot said "...and yes, it is."

"Is she okay?" Maureen asked, genuinely concerned.

"She will be."

"His brain; it's gone Mrs. Cassidy. I'm sorry!" It was the last thing that Joanie ever expected to hear. He had been doing so much better she thought, although that was the furthest thing from the truth of the matter! The doctors had warned her that Brian was just a seizure away from catastrophe but it turned out they were wrong; this last time, it took four, four incredibly powerful seizures to do this to him; to render his brain dead with not even a hint of the life that once was and the rest of his organs were shutting down quickly.

"Gone? No; he's fine, I, what are you saying?"

"I'm so sorry, I know that you believed he was getting better-"

"He 'is' getting better"

"Mrs. Cassidy-" He shook his head 'no', telling her it was over. "We told you weeks ago that you should prepare, now it's just a matter of turning off the machines."

"What? Never, do you hear me? I will never! He's going to get better, he's-"

"Mrs. Cassidy; again, I'm sorry but your son had a living will on file…"

"A living…" Joanie had never heard of this but it turned out that it was indeed a fact.

"It instructs us that in the event of brain death; we're to let him go within 24 hours!"

...

She sat there at his bedside absolutely weakened from the news. It had been 2 hours since the doctor had told her, had blown her world apart and she sat, her head in her hands and just dumbstruck! How could he leave her like this? Didn't he know that if he died, she'd die too from grief? He was her only; the last, best thing she had and he just expected her to let him go? Just like that?

"How am I supposed to do it?" The old woman sat and cried. "How am I supposed to say goodbye to you?!" She couldn't see it but his spirit had been beside her, watching as she sat quietly crying, trying to come to terms with this!

"I can't let you go, I can't… Brian, baby you're in there, I know you are! Just please, please come back to me!" She wept.

"Mom, I can't!" He whispered to her from where he stood behind her, his hands on her shoulders. "It's time to let me go; I need Olivia here, I need my little girl here so that I can say goodbye!"

Joanie cried on, holding his hand and touching his face so lovingly as she did. The same face she first laid eyes on when he came into the world 43 years ago and she looked at him and stroked his cheek. The same cheek she stroked when he was but a baby, nursing from her breast. The same one she used to wipe with spit when it was dirty; the one she would kiss goodnight every night before he closed his eyes...he'll never open them again! She thought. My baby will never open his eyes again; he'll never look at me again!

"Please don't go!" She said in a whisper as her tears fell and she placed her head upon his chest and just cried there. She'll pay for this...that bitch will pay for bringing that man into our lives!

As the girls were leaving and Elliot was outside seeing them off, Olivia was inside sitting up in her bed while she fed Serena. Serena was falling asleep while Olivia was thinking about Brian and looking down at her. She still didn't see him in her baby girl, supposing that maybe her looks were just taking their time, or perhaps Serena would just look like her. She smiled when the baby opened her eyes and sleepily looked up at her, smiling before she closed them and continued feeding.

When Elliot came into the room, she looked up at him as he entered. "It was nice of the girls to come by, I can't believe they brought so much for Serena!" She said to him in a low voice so she wouldn't wake Serena who was on her way to sleep.

"She's a lucky little girl, having so many people that love her." He said as he took his shirt off and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. But saying that made Olivia start to think about Brian, in turn making her realize as she had often since finding out that he was Serena's father that he might not ever see her. When she got quiet, Elliot stopped what he was doing and stepped out of the bathroom. "Hey… What's wrong?" He asked, his toothbrush dangling from his mouth

"I was just thinking that Brian won't ever know her; I can't even introduce him to his daughter because of his mother. What if he dies without ever meeting her?"

"Don't think like that, come on…"

"Elliot, I'm not a kid. I know how bad he is and I also know that he might not make it. I've been preparing myself for that probability ever since we found him in that hospital. And then his mother; her son is dying, and all she can think of is sticking it to me and for what? I know I'm supposed to think positive but how? She could take my baby away from me, and if Brian dies, I'll never see her again!" He quickly went back into the bathroom to spit and rinse; putting his toothbrush away before he came back out and turned off the light.

"Let's get married!" He said, looking at her with a smile on his face but with all seriousness, shocking her to the point that she had to really look at him to see if in fact he was sincere.

"What, are you…? Oh my god, you're serious!"

He was.

"I'm very serious and this wasn't at all how I planned to do this when the time was right but right now, time's something we don't have too much of!" He said as he looked down at the baby and rubbed her little hand, careful not to wake her.

"Elliot-"

"I know what you're thinking..."

"No; you don't! El, this is crazy, we can't get married!"

"Why not?" He said, again, very serious.

"Because...we can't. Look at me El, I'm just, you don't wanna marry me and I'm not just saying that because of the circumstances. I'm a mess right now!"

"When I look at you, I don't see a mess. I see my future and I know this isn't how you dreamed it would be; and believe me, it isn't how I wanted it either. I wanted to propose to you on a beach, maybe in the Bahamas but Liv, we love each other and this little girl; she means the world to us both!"

She had tears in her eyes, touched by what he said. "...but marriage?"

"It's the best way to fight Joanie. If you had a husband, someone who they know would be there…"

"So you do think I'm a bad mother?"

"No, Liv, I swear I don't! But look at the way Joanie's painted you to the court. She has them thinking that Serena's in danger just by being with you. I just think that if we could let them see that you're not alone, that you have somebody who's not going anywhere, who'll help you, and who loves this baby so much, not to mention who has a million kids of his own." When she laughed, he knew that he was getting through to her.

"You're crazy, you know that?" She said, taking Serena from her breast.

"So, is that a 'yes' to my proposal?"

"That's an 'I'll think about it' right now, I'm tired and I'd love to get some sleep while Serena's down."

"It's okay, we'll talk later!" He whispered and kissed her head before taking the baby putting her in the cradle beside Olivia before lying down beside her, turning off the light. "You sure this is okay?" He said, referring to the dark as he put his arm around her.

"I don't want her being afraid of the dark; I'll be alright as long as you're here!"

...

"Please...no more!" She cried, unable to really vocalize, her throat dry from hours of being used in the sweltering basement. As she lay, naked on the mattress, surrounded by 12 naked men who had just ejaculated all over her and were ready still, for more.

"Aw come on now bitch, you don't think we're done yet do you?" The tall blonde said as he grabbed her by the hair, pulling her head up and shoving himself in her mouth. She couldn't breathe and struggled against the man; Brad she thinks his name was. But she pushed against his hairy thighs, desperate for air as he was lodged in her throat to the hilt and holding her by the hair as the other men began applauding her suffering!

She tried to wake up...

"Bite me and I'll make you regret it!" He told her and he meant it, finally letting her go a minute later after large amounts of spit leaked from her mouth and her eyes were bugged to the point where she was ready to pass out and right before he pulled out, she threw up a little. "Now that's how I like it slut!" He said as she lay crying, only for Harlan guy to take his place, pushing her flat on her back on somebody and mounting her face as the man she was lying on took the moment to enter her anally and the others molested her, their hands everywhere! She didn't know which pain to focus on, which end and she wanted to scream. Her anus was on fire! Tears rolling down her face as the assault continued.

"Get in her pussy!" He ordered some other guy! "That's right darlin, take me down!" He laughed in that wicked laugh while she again struggled to breathe; to move. He was so much larger that the other men and she threw up a lot, but he refused to let her go, the vomit getting in her nose while yet another guy took her and the pain exploded!

When she finally managed to pull herself from the dream, she woke up fast, lying on her side with Elliot's arm around her, and so frightened as she rose up on one arm before she looked around and realized where she was. It was all a dream that she was reliving and now that she'd woken up, she was safe. It was just a dream! She reminded herself. Just another dream!

She lay back down, pulling Elliot's arm tighter around her and she snuggled against him, feeling so safe in his arms as she looked over at her baby, sleeping soundly in her cradle.

"You okay?" He asked, eyes still closed and ¾ of the way asleep.

"I had another bad dream, but I'm fine." She said, closing her eyes and reveling in the safety of his strong arms. As soon as she did, Serena started to cry and Olivia lay there, her eyes suddenly open wide.

"Babe, let me get her." Elliot said as he too woke up from Serena's cries and sat up in bed before he got up and turned on the light. Olivia quickly got comfortable against the pillows, still lying on her side. She was was still quite tender due to the scar that was there from surgery and she didn't want to put unnecessary strain on herself. She looked over at the clock, 11:13PM as Elliot reached over for Serena, scooping her up from her cradle at Olivia's bedside. She was chewing her fist as she let out little whimpers and Elliot began talking to her in that goofy baby talk that Olivia absolutely hated but she didn't mind and she actually smiled when Elliot handed Serena to her. God, she loved this man she thought as he leaned down and kissed her.

"You need anything?" He asked, when she'd assured him that she didn't, he went off anyway, heading to the kitchen. "I'll get you some water." He said, kissing her cheek on his way out. Olivia looked at Serena, lying in her arms against the moonlight as she opened her nightgown to feed her, Serena latching on hungrily, but Olivia was thankful finally for the silence as she watched her.

Not a care in the world! She thought. As far as Serena was concerned, Olivia and Elliot were her entire world and as long as she got fed, and her diaper changed on time, she was a happy baby, not realizing the craziness going on around her. Olivia tried so hard not to cry as much as she wanted to but she was quickly feeling defeated as a few tears slipped out.

"I'm sorry." She whispered to her daughter as she held her close. "I shouldn't be letting this affect me and instead…" Olivia looked down at Serena, she had her eyes open and looked up at her momma while she ate; her eyes were getting so much bigger than when she was born almost a week ago and were becoming a pale, light brown like Brian's but they had taken on the shape, big and beautiful with long lashes just as Olivia remembered from her mom.

"You don't know what I'd give to have her here right now...she had her problems but she loved me. Just like I know Brian would have loved you!" She said, wiping away her tears as Elliot reentered the room carrying a glass of water.

"Here you go" He noticed her tears and took a moment.

"Thanks babe." She said.

"Liv, are you alright? You look like you've been crying." He spoke softly, so concerned and worried as he wiped her tears.

"I guess I'm just trying to process too much. I think…I'm gonna go back to seeing Dr. Lindstrom, I can't keep going this way, having these dreams; these memories...I just, I need help!"

"You know, whatever you need, I'm here."

"And I so love you for that!" She said as she kissed his hand. "You've always been my protector, whether or not I wanted you to be."

"I told you once, we're partners, for better or worse!"

The following day, after calling Dr. Lindstrom and finding that he had a cancelation, Olivia sat and had an hour long, tearful video session with him, discussing all of the things that she'd gone through lately as well as the things that she's been going through; things she'd like to see changed not only for her daughter, but for herself as well.

She remembered before the incident with the letter and being taken last week that she had started to overcome so much, and now it just felt as if she was back at square one. Couple all of that with being stuck in this custody nightmare; it was all just too much, especially for a new mom to deal with.

"After the baby was born, I went through a short period of...I didn't know if I could trust anyone and I just wanted to be alone, with her. I couldn't let anyone near her, or me; I just wanted to disappear!" She said with tears in her eyes.

"What about now?" Lindstrom asked.

"Now, it's still hard but I'm learning. I know that there are people who care about us…"

"But?"

"But, its hard. I'm still trying desperately to deal with and make some sense of the fact that he was still alive, the fact that he attacked me, that even for the briefest of moments, he raped me. Again. And I'm trying to be normal and involved but I keep waiting, like I used to for the other shoe to drop. Like at any moment, there's going to be something that just spins everything and…"

"And?"

"What if it spins me so far out of control that I can't come back?"

That morning as the clock ticked down, Joanie hadn't slept a wink all night. She simply stayed by Brian's side, praying that he'd somehow, miraculously wake up but he never did. In those hours since she had gotten the news, it was as if all of her training had gone out of the window. She was a retired nurse, she knew exactly what being brain dead meant, she had stood by and watched as many families over the years had gone through having to say goodbye to their loved ones because of it, but never in a million years did she think it would be her having to say goodbye to her own son. Her only son; her only child!

All night long she held his hand, read to him from his favorite book and sang to him; anything that she thought might pull him out of the state he was in but nothing worked and around 6 this morning, she understood that he was gone and that he wasn't coming back. Now, hours later, she just struggled with saying goodbye and letting him go.

"We had so much that we wanted to do; that I wanted to do. I wanted so bad for you to get married; find a lovely wife and give me grandbabies… You used to want that too when you were younger. Thought you had it until that Olivia came along and stomped on your heart; you never did get over her. Not even years later but by then you didn't want the same things anymore, a wife, a family and she did." She said, gripping his hand.

"I told you that she wasn't right for you, I told you since the day she came back into your life but you just wouldn't hear me! You wouldn't hear me and now because of her I'm saying goodbye to you! How am I supposed to carry on without you, my sweet boy?"

But in her anger and grief, she forgot one very important person who needed a chance to meet her father and say goodbye to him. Serena.

"Hey, room for a visitor?" Amanda said as she peeked her head into the bedroom carrying a gift bag and breaking Olivia out of her thoughts.

"Amanda... What are you doing here? You should be at home!" She said as she fussed with Serena's blanket and Amanda put the bag on the bed and took a seat in the chair nearby.

"I know, but I've just been drivin myself crazy!"

"I know the feeling." Olivia said, seeing that Serena was done and taking the child from her breast.

"You look good!"

"Nice try, but I've seen my face." Olivia joked, finally having gotten her shirt as she wanted it, then, turned her head to Amanda. "I'm so sorry I missed the funeral." She said.

"Understandable, you've been busy." Amanda said. "Can I?" She asked, dying to hold Serena and so happy that Olivia quickly gave permission, picking the baby up and handing her to Amanda.

"Say hi to Amanda, Serena!" She said as she put the baby in Amanda's arms. "Watch her head."

"I've got her" Amanda smiled. "Oh, Olivia, she's so beautiful! Hi there sweetie; oh, such pretty eyes you have, yes you do!" She said, tears quickly filling her eyes. Serena just yawned, looked at Amanda and then back at her mother, decided that she was in good hands and snuggled there in Amanda's arms. Amanda laughed, for the first time in a week feeling happy as she held the beautiful little baby, quickly inhaling her sweet scent. "God, she smells so good; so new!" Olivia just looked on and smiled.

"And it's so intoxicating until you're up through the night feeding her."

"Aww, I won't mind. No I won't!" She said to Serena in a baby voice. Not realizing that she spoke in future tense but Olivia caught it. "She's eating good I take it?" She asked while looking at the baby. She'd fallen in love.

"I feel like a milk machine." She laughed and so did Amanda.

"Your belly still looks 6 months pregnant!"

"Ugh, don't remind me!" She said with her hands to her stomach. "Elliot thinks it's adorable though."

"He loves you, can't blame him for that!" Amanda said as she made funny faces at the baby.

"That, he does. By the way, what's this?" She said as she picked up the bag.

"That, is a present for the little one."

"Amanda, you already bought her plenty!" She said, taking the gift from the bag.

"Amuse me! Momma has no chill, does she?" Serena yawned again, deciding that this Amanda person was very nice and she started to go to sleep in her arms while Olivia took out the gift to find a bunch of onsies, in different colors with sayings printed on them.

"These are adorable, thank you!" She read the tiny tees: "Momma's girl, I want what I want!, Gimme kisses…"

"That next one, I think Elliot will like."

"I love Daddy!" Olivia took on a solemn look.

"Hey, what's goin on? I didn't mean to..."

"It's not... you don't know."

"Know what?"

"I found out earlier this week that she's Brian's and I've just…" She let off a deep breath. "I'm a little; a lot emotional."

"Liv, that's incredible; but you don't seem so happy."

"It's hard to be when I can't even let her see him and his mother's suing for custody!" She said, wiping tears. "God, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be doing this, horning in on your news!"

Amanda started thinking, wondering what she was talking about. "What news?"

"About your baby."

"My…" She sat there seriously thinking now and wondering how she could have known. She hadn't told anyone but Fin and Eugenia and she knew that Fin hadn't told, and Olivia didn't know Darrell's mom so…

"You said "I won't mind."

With her eyes teary again, she laughed at her mistake. "I did, didn't I?"

"Yeah. Did he know before he...?" Olivia asked and Amanda quickly shook her head 'no'.

"I think we slipped up in Vegas, we were pretty drunk after we got married." She said as her tears fell.

"So it's early?"

"4 weeks I think. I'll know for sure when I see the doctor on Monday. I'm just...having this baby without Darrell, I'm so scared."

"I know I'm not the most together person right now but I'm here, anything you need. I mean it… Unless of course my own baby gets taken away and I lose it!"

"That won't happen. Somethin has to go right for you!"

"Your lips to God's ears."

"You'll see. So, truthfully, did it hurt?"Amanda asked to which Olivia paused, thinking of a nice way to put it.

"I won't say it didn't!"

"So, what will you say?"

"Well, let's see. What's a synonym for worst?" Amanda looked on, frightened. "It was the most severely, distressing, harsh, intense, seriously, terribly painful thing I have ever done! But it was worth it in the end." She said as she held Serena's little hand and Amanda smiled.

"Ay man, what's the deal? You been mopin around here all day, what gives?" Fin asked as he and Nick were sitting around the squad room. It was a quiet day, made even more quiet by the fact that Nick wasn't his usual self and wasn't talking much.

"Carolyn dumped me!"

"Y'all ain't even been goin out a week!" Fin said, a half smile on his face that he tried to hide with no luck.

"Are you laughing at me?" Nick yelled, already angry.

"No, what? Nah. I was smiling at this...thing on my computer!" He said, wanting to crack up. "So why'd she dump you?"

"Get this, she said that I was "too good a lover" and that she can "get too caught up" in me!What the hell? I mean it's not my fault that I throw it down in the bedroom!" Fin had a look on his face like what the hell? But instead, offered this:

"You know what you need? A night filled with strippers to take the pain away!"

"I don't want strippers, I want Carolyn!"

"Forget Carolyn, hey, how about tonight's on me? Lapdances, the whole shebang?"

"Everything?"

"Everything! What do you say?"

"I'm in"

"My man!" He said as his phone rang. "Special victims unit, Tutuola. Yes… Uh huh… Yeah. Was there anybody else...? I see… Thanks for calling." He said into the receiver then hung up with a worried look.

"Who was that?" Nick asked, curious about why Fin looked the way he did.

"That was the hospital where Brian is. They called to tell us that they've taken him off life support. He's gone!" Nick immediately got to his feet.

"Does Liv know?"

"His mother was the only one there when they unplugged him… Damn I hate days like this!" He said as he grabbed his coat and phone, heading out the door and Nick followed.

More to come.