Chapter 68.

So, so, so, so sorry for the long wait, but what can I do? In between laziness and miss rona I haven't exactly been up to writing. Anyway, thanks to all who are still reading this story.

And please, everybody stay safe as you can, we'll get through this!

...

The victims, even if they survive, their lives are ruined." -Alex Cabot

.

At Amanda's, it was three AM but she was up making a mug of tea in the kitchen while the children thankfully slept. But as for her, she just couldn't stop thinking about what Fin had told her about Olivia.

"...It's bad Manda. This guy, Abernathy, he got hold of some of the recordings from when Liv was with Harlan-"

"Oh no…"

"He's been selling them for two years and nobody caught him until now,"

"Wait, so hundreds-"

"...possibly thousands. And the worst part is, they have no idea how he got hold of them..."

She couldn't believe it and all night couldn't get herself to sleep because of it. Olivia had been through enough. They all thought that she'd arrived at a place where she could move on; she had moved on but now… Amanda had thought about dropping in to see her but decided against it. Fin told her how Olivia had taken the news- it wasn't good although she tried to act as if she was handling it.

Amanda got up to get the tea kettle that had begun to whistle. She wished now that she had asked Fin to stay over last night because times like this, she felt so uneasy, like she couldn't control much and she needed comfort. Did she know that it was selfish of her considering that it was Olivia actually going through? Yes, but did it cause her anxieties to lessen? No. In fact it only increased them.

Slowly blowing her tea before she took a calming sip, she walked into the livingroom of the gigantic apartment. It was so still, late at night except for the few cars that could be heard passing occasionally. Exactly what she didn't need right now; silence. She was so glad, although confused when Imani came toddling into the living room rubbing sleep from her eyes and came right to Amanda, lying her head down on her leg.

"Baby…" Amanda said as she stroked her hair and kissed her before picking up the obviously still-sleepy child, and snuggling her in her lap. "How'd you get out of your crib?"

Imani just curled against Amanda. "Mama, dwink pease." She said sleepily, pulling at Amanda's night shirt. Amanda wasted no time in lifting her shirt and giving Imani access. "God, you look so much like your daddy!" She said, looking at Imani while she fed and gently rocked her.

...

The feel of the delivery room was suddenly lighter as the sounds of a screaming newborn filled the air of the sterile environment, bringing smiles and tears of happiness to the faces of everyone inside; Elliot especially as he hovered over the exam table, breathlessly waiting for his son to give some sign of life while the nurses worked on him and he willed him to do it. He loudly gave thanks to God and shed tears when the child made those first sounds that quickly became a wail.

"He's okay!" Elliot said, said holding the baby loosely swaddled as he walked over to Olivia, who had lost it at this point. For so long she'd wished that this baby would just go away but now, suddenly, here he was and he was okay. He was okay and she just wanted to hold him, to let him know that she was there, and that she'd always be.

"Please, give him to me!" She begged as the nurse pulled down the top of her gown to allow for skin to skin contact as Elliot placed the baby in her arms. Why did this feel so foreign to her, having this crying, bloodied new life on her chest? Tears flowed freely as she immediately began to soothe it, putting her hands on its back, its head, as she looked down at him and she just completely broke down into sobs when he looked up at her. She couldn't take her eyes away, and as the nurse placed a cap on his little bald head with its sparse wisps of dark hair, she broke.

"...you're safe!" she uttered through her tears. In that moment, lying on her chest, his little eyes searched hers, and forgetting about her pain she just wept. "...momma's got you." It was like a switch had suddenly been turned on, and right there she could see this little person, see that beautiful light that she couldn't allow herself to see throughout her pregnancy. She knew now beyond all else that she loved this little person and would do anything to protect him.

As she and her baby looked into one another, he began to quiet. It was as if no one else was there in that room at that moment, no one except the two of them and she saw love. But with that came so much guilt and through her deep sobs she began a litany of I'm sorries as she held her son close. At this moment, nothing else mattered.

"Olivia, we need to take him and get him checked out." The nurse said as she stood by the bed. Being a mom herself, she spoke softly, gently. She knew how hard it was to ask a new mother to give up her baby, even if for just a short time.

Stroking the baby's face, Olivia turned to look up at the nurse. "Do you have to? I don't wanna let him go."

"We'll get him right back to you, I promise." She said as she, with total care, received the baby from Olivia's arms. It absolutely tore at her as she handed him to the nurse

"El, go with him, don't leave him even for a second." When Elliot started to protest, she cut him off. "...I'll be fine, please!" She begged. He kissed her lips with a quick peck before going off with the nurses. Just then, Olivia felt contractions again. "Dr. Cayman…"

"Small push Olivia, were going to deliver the placenta…"

…

Some time later, she sat in the hospital bed with the baby in her arms, just staring at him while he slept.

"You haven't put him down…" Elliot said, smiling. He was already so proud of his baby boy.

Still shedding tears, she looked down at her baby. "I never want to,"

Sitting beside her, he cried a bit too. "You know, I've seen it seven times and it's always the most amazing, beautiful thing."

"I'm so glad that you were here...when I think about my state of mind…"

"Baby it's okay. You've had a lot to deal with since yesterday, and now our little man. It's okay if you wanna cry."

And she did as she held her son and looked down at him. Her baby. For months, this pregnancy seemed like the worst thing that could have happened to her after Harlan. She took a deep breath to push back her tears, but they flowed anyway and she threw her head back and wiped at them.

"I was such a fool," she wept, her voice near a whisper as she looked down at her beautiful sleeping child and wiped at a tear. "...such a fool." As she caressed the soft skin of his cheeks with the back of her fingers.

"What are you-"

"I didn't want him," she said in tears. "from the day I found out that I was pregnant, I felt like I was losing control of everything all over again. My freedom, my body...my choices."

"How could you think that?" He said it more angrily and louder than he'd meant to. The last thing he wanted was for Olivia to feel that he didn't understand or feel sympathy for what she was going through.

"Don't judge me!"

"I'm not-" he started, but noticed how completely she'd tensed up. He got hold of himself and his voice and took it down several notches before he started again. "I'm sorry... I'm not judging you, baby, I swear I'm not,"

"You don't know what it's like to basically have your voice silenced; to have no say in what's done to you or when. El, I wasn't expecting this baby. I panicked and it froze me. It froze me to the point where I couldn't be happy about it because I kept hearing Harlan's voice, especially after I found out that we were having a boy. From day one, with Serena he told me that I had to give him a son and he wouldn't let me even think otherwise… Every day he'd talk to her while he raped me, he'd lay out what he was doing to me so his son would know how… I began thinking back on everything he'd said, everything he'd done and I froze! I froze to my own baby and I thought I would feel that way forever, but when he came out of me in that delivery room and he wasn't breathing…" Elliot took her in his arms and she broke; holding their son and shaking so hard with her tears that it made him cry.

"What if he remembers that? What if he grows up knowing that for so long, his mother didn't want him? How will I explain something so horrible to him? What if he sees me differently?"

"Those bastards haven't won, Baby, you've got to believe that. And our baby will never look at you any other way except as the mama that he loves...this is just another setback." He tried to tell her not just what he thought she needed to hear, but what he knew to be the absolute truth. He only prayed that it would help her.

"El, will you go and get Serena?" She said, so desperate to see her, to have both of her children together with her.

"Honey, it's almost 6 in the morning…"

"Elliot…" she had to take a moment to wipe her tears with her free hand. "...I want my baby here with me, I need her here with me. El, please go home, I need for you to be there when she wakes up. She has to see one of our faces."

"Say no more." He understood her reasoning. With what she was feeling, going through, take that and add that she hadn't been away from Serena for more than a couple hours since she'd been born. She was too afraid. Just as now, she was afraid and he understood. He kissed her head then kissed the baby before he got up. "...but, I expect to hold my son when I get back." He said with a smile.

"Hey," she called as she pulled his finger and he turned around. "I love you."

"I know." He said and kissed her. "I'll be back soon."

…

At Nick's house, he and Carolyn were lying in bed asleep in each other's arms when they were woken up by the sound of the garbage truck outside. Nick leaned over to the night table and looked over at his phone before he put it down while Carolyn looked at her finger, at the gorgeous ring that now adorned it and she still couldn't believe it; she was engaged to this man she loved with her whole heart.

Curled up against Carolyn's warm body and caressing her stomach, he still couldn't believe it. "A baby…" he smiled.

"Our baby…"

"Our baby," and he squeezed her tight and kissed her. "You feel okay? I wasn't too rough with you last night-"

"Fuiste perfecto...in fact," she said as she loosened herself from his arms and climbed on top of him. "Do we have time for you to do it again?"

"Oh, we'll make time!" He said as she leaned and kissed him.

...

At The Stabler home, it was still. Just a little after Six AM, the sun was just starting to appear when Elliot had gotten in and was hanging his coat by the door.

"Daddy?" Came Lizzie's voice through the early morning quiet of the house and followed it to the kitchen.

"Hey," He said happily, placing a kiss to her cheek. "What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep, I was worried about Liv," she said as she poured him a cup of coffee. "Wait, you're here, oh my god, she had the baby?" There was definite excitement in her voice at the thought of the newest edition to their family.

"9 pounds and 4 ounces…"

"Daddy!" She squealed and hugged him then sat down. Is he okay...is Liv?"

"They're both fine, honey. And he is healthy, and beautiful!" He pulled his phone from his pocket and showed her pictures that the two of them fawned over while they drank their coffee. Elliot felt bad when he told Elizabeth that maybe she and the rest of the kids could hold off on a visit until Olivia came home. Right now she just wasn't ready to see anyone. He also sent a group text to share the news with Cragen and the gang, getting a well of congratulations in return before he went up to get some sleep before Serena woke up.

…

Later that morning, Olivia was nursing the baby when Elliot walked in lead by Serena.

"Mommy!" The toddler cried as she ran with her arms outstretched toward her mother.

"Bab-" Olivia cried but stopped short when Serena stopped running and froze in place two feet from the bed. "Serena…?" But Serena quietly stared at Olivia, then looked at the baby feeding from her breast then turned around to Elliot who already had his hands filled with flowers and balloons. She looked back at Olivia, at the baby then up at Elliot and said without missing a beat:

"Daddy, I want to go home. It's drinking my milk!"

It wasn't long though before she calmed down. Olivia explained to her that the baby was the little brother that she'd been waiting for, but in a way Serena already knew that and tried her best to explain to her parents just why she was upset, but couldn't put it into exact words as she was now sitting on Olivia's lap while Elliot held the baby.

"Can Fin come home with me?" Serena said quietly as she nestled her head against Olivia while sitting in her arms. Olivia and Elliot both looked at Serena, pleasantly surprised at what she had just now named her baby brother.

"In a day or so." Elliot said. "...Fin?"

"That's his name. Wight Fin?" Serena sang in her sweet toddler voice as she played with the baby's feet and he squirmed in Elliot's arms. "See, he likes it!"

Olivia sat watching her babies with love in her eyes and looked up to see Elliot staring at them. "Fin, huh?" He said.

"It was gonna be Serena's name if she had been a boy, I think it's still fitting."

"You're not gonna let this go-"

"Not even a little bit…" she said with a small smile. Elliot knew he wouldn't win this one, and as he looked at his son,

"...welcome to the world, Fin!"

…

Bronwyn brought a half-dead Olivia back to her room and Olivia could barely walk, falling several times on the way there from the basement. This was the first time that Bronwyn had been present for one of Harlan's get togethers, and she was disgusted to see the state that Olivia was now in. She was eight months pregnant and totally out of it. When Harlan ordered her to take Olivia back upstairs, Bronwyn found her in the basement on the mattress naked, bleeding and covered in semen and bruises. Apparently in the end she just passed out from the intensity of it all- eight hours of what Bronwyn could only imagine as hell and now as she stood at the landing of the staircase, she could see Olivia, curled into a fetal position, naked and her body shaking as she cried quietly to herself. Looking around the dimly lit room, she spotted paper towels and a discarded sheet from the bed off in the corner and rushed to get them, wiping the blood and semen as best she could then covering Olivia's nakedness.

"Just a few more steps…" She said as she walked slowly with Olivia hanging on to her, with the sheet wrapped around her, barely able to stay put.

"I can't…" Olivia cried, starting to fall down to the floor again.

"...no, no. Just a few more steps…"

But Olivia was beyond tired as she leaned against the wall. "...please don't make me go in there..."

Bronwyn looked back nervously as she tried to keep Olivia from hitting the floor. "You have to...where else are you gonna..."

She looked up at Bronwyn with red, puffy eyes. "Just let me go…" she whispered, tears falling down her face.

"Don't be crazy-"

"Bronwyn...you hurry yer ass up!" Harlan yelled from downstairs, causing Bronwyn to jump, startled.

"Come on…" she turned to Olivia and said, forcing her to her feet. She was determined now, not wanting to make Harlan angry and pleaded with Olivia to move fast on those last few steps until they were at the door to the room. She went as fast as she could to get Olivia inside and help her onto the bed so she could rest, and felt even more horrible at the cry that escaped Olivia when she fell onto the bed. She was in such pain!

"Bronwyn, please-"

"I'm sorry…" she said, rushing to the door to leave.

'...wait, don't go…" she called to her in a barely-there voice just as Bronwyn closed and locked it. "...Bronwyn wait!" Olivia cried as she sank to the floor, weeping as she banged on the door with what stamina she had left. "Let me out…"

Operating on zero energy, she pulled herself into the bathtub, screaming from the rawness of her skin as she managed to soap her hair and body. She collapsed right there under the steaming hot flow of water and slept there in the tub, water splashing all around her. She only woke when after an hour, somehow the soap had lodged on the drain and clogged the flow of water causing it to rise and start to drown her. When she woke up, she was coughing and wheezing, choking on the now cold water. Quickly, in her disoriented state, she turned it off and shivering, she got out of the tub and slipped on a gown before she started to climb into bed, every muscle and sinew in her body screaming. She fell instantly into a dreamless sleep.

Just an hour later though, she was awakened by pain shooting through her abdomen and around to her back and in spite of already having a ton of pain already throughout her body, but this new pain drew enough attention that it woke her and demanded that she get up or at least try to. There in the dark, she rolled over to sit up and let out a groan. This isn't right. She thought as she felt it worsen and let out a cry as she gripped her belly.

"That's right bitch, bring him forth!" Harlan said, suddenly appearing out of nowhere and greedily grabbed her belly. "He's gonna be hell on this earth!" He grinned as Olivia screamed even louder when blood began pouring down her legs.

When she woke up gasping for air, she was in a cold sweat and reached for her belly to protect her child but quickly realized that he was no longer there and slowly dropped her hands. Extremely disoriented for a moment, she finally remembered where she was, and nervously, she looked over at Fin sleeping beside her bed, tucked comfortably in his little bassinet. She rested her hand on his chest and felt it rise fall several times before she was convinced that he was okay.

"He's okay." she heard a calm voice behind her say. She immediately jumped up and turned around towards the couch to see Sealview Olivia, sitting there in her orange jumpsuit in the dim light of the room.

"What the hell?!" Olivia cried, clutching her chest as she got to her feet. "You can't be here...and I'm losing my mind again." she whispered to herself as she leaned over her baby.

"Olivia, we've been through this...you're not losing your mind." Sealview said as she walked across the room, stopping by the bed and she smiled. "...you did good."

"Why are you here? ...where's your partner?"

"I guess you didn't think we needed her. I'm just here to remind you that you can't let this break you."

"Let what break me?" Olivia asked as she turned to Sealview, though she knew just what she meant. But just that fast, she was gone and Olivia turned her head left then right searching for her.

…

More to come. Reviews would inspire me to write the next chapter faster