Sara did not resort to nightly exercises until she took another job beside her own: babysitting Ella. It was hard for her to to do her daily workouts unless the kid slept, and that happened rarely. Ella was a very active kid, or maybe all four year old kids were like that. Ella liked to play with Sara and Sara, with her youthful heart, would entertain Ella by playing hide and seek or running around to see if she could catch the little girl, or any simple game Ella came up with all of a sudden. So there was really no time for her scheduled exercises. Stacy came from work and stayed at Sara's till late at night almost everyday. Stacy would tell Sara stories about other nurses with her and Sara would tell few stories about her work. She would bitch about a student being an asshole at times, professors did that too. She would talk about something Dr. Austin told her. She would tell Stacy about what Tegan did while sitting in her seat or what she had said. Stacy would listen because she loved stories. But today, Sara's mind was full of one story, Tegan showing up at her office and leaving. It was exhausting to tell Stacy and analyze everything with her. When Stacy left, Sara took the time to exercise even though it was eleven in the evening. Working out always relaxed her mind and made her think clearly.
Sara stood in front of her mirror and looked at her body, she was growing muscles, she was hot and she could see it. She ignored the lines of the different surgeries she had as she did everyday. They did not matter for now. She never forgot them, but she ignored them. She walked to the bathroom to shower. After getting herself rid of her clothes and getting in the tub she began thinking of Tegan again. Tegan could be asleep at the moment, or could be out, or could be with that boy she was with. Sara wondered if they were sleeping together at the moment. She wondered if they slept together, she hoped they didn't. Such things terrified her because she knew what Tegan was capable of. Tegan cheated the last time, and maybe it was partly her fault, but she still considered it cheating. Or maybe Tegan had changed. Yes, Sara decided, Tegan had changed.
Sara cupped both of her breasts and massaged gently. It wasn't sexual, it was a process she did everyday to examine her body. She massaged the sides checking if anything's wrong. She lifted her left arm and examined her left breast, then did the same to her right arm as she examined her right breast. She was always examining different body parts these days, she was too careful. If it wasn't a physical examination done by the doctor, then it was a self-examination done by her. She thought about Tegan again, she thought about telling her to self-examine. She wondered if Tegan was doing that.
If it wasn't for her very small apartment, she wouldn't have heard the faint knocks on the door. She was getting dressed in her bathroom when she started hearing them. It was probably Stacy wanting to retrieve a jacket or something that's Ella's she forgot in her place. She put on her night clothes quickly and walked out of her bathroom. The knocks were a bit louder but still very faint. Her hair was dripping and she feared she'd get a cold. She turned the key three times until her door was unlocked. Quickly, she opened the door.
Tegan stood there, just outside, pale but pretty. But also, two suitcases were on each side. Not only that, a man was behind her. Oh, oh, it was him. Sara did not get it. But she closed her eyes and opened them. Tegan was still there, and everything else was too.
"I'm so sorry." Tegan's voice was raspy and tired. "I didn't wake you, did I?"
"I was in the shower." Sara felt confused. Was she just dreaming?
"I'm sorry," Tegan kept apologizing.
Her friend didn't want to drive her at that hour of the night. She remembered when she fought with Sara and Sara told her not to show up at her place but she insisted on showing up and ended up sleeping on the couch. It wasn't the same this time. It wasn't that late at night to begin with, she wasn't fighting with Sara, in fact, Sara was begging her to show up at her place; so it wasn't the same. When Jeremy didn't agree to drive her, she decided she'd go alone. She could find a cab, or if not, she could walk. It was just eleven. When Jeremy realized she was serious, he gave in and drove her. She told him to go, but he insisted he'd take her suitcases up to the eighth floor (one was his, however) and be with her till Sara let her inside.
"Tegan, don't apologize." Sara took her hand and pulled her inside. When she did, she saw the cannula right on the back of that hand she just held. She looked up at Tegan with horror in her eyes. "What happened?"
Tegan took her hand and put it against her chest, she rubbed the edges with her other hand. "Sara, I want to be with you." If they were going to stand there all night long, she was bound to lose her balance once again.
Sara was confused, scared, horrified, but she was smiling. "Come in," she said loudly. "What's stopping you?" Tegan walked inside. Sara was now facing Jeremy. He was bigger than her, he was attractive, and he was standing there at her doorstep.
"She's been in the hospital," Jeremy informed dryly. "Her health isn't that good. She insisted I'd drive her to you." He didn't know why he was saying all that.
"Because she can come here whenever she wants." And Sara took it as a personal competition whenever she remembered or saw that guy.
"I brought my..." Tegan pointed at her suitcases. "I hope you don't mind."
"Of course I don't." Sara smiled. "I still think this is a dream. I've been waiting." Jeremy reached for the suitcases to get them inside, but Sara pushed his hands away quickly and roughly. "I can do it," she said bitterly.
"No, Sara, they're kinda heavy," Tegan said.
"It's okay, I can do it, honey." Sara was already calling her that.
Sara carried the first suitcase inside and then the second. Yes, they were heavy, but she was able to do it. She didn't need that Jeremy to do things for her or Tegan or get near them. She stood there in front of Jeremy and wished him a very formal goodnight before closing the door. She locked it three times and turned around to face her lover.
"He was just trying to help," Tegan whispered. She was standing in the hall of that apartment. It was dark, she felt a bit scared, but she was feeling much better.
"I can help." Sara looked at the small woman standing there, very thin, very pale. She was standing there, in her home, very thin and very pale. "Wow, am I dreaming?" Tegan shook her head. "I thought you were scared."
"I am," Tegan said.
"But?"
"I don't care. I want to be with you. I can't do this, just pretend that I don't want to."
"I need to tell you so much."
"Me too."
Sara swallowed the lump in her throat and blinked. She held that hand once again and rubbed the exposed skin. "What happened?"
"Can we sit?" She was too tired to pretend that she could continue standing without getting dizzy.
Everything was fuzzy and shadowed, everything was unclear and uncertain. Everything felt unreal and strange, everything felt overwhelming and terrifying. Sara felt as if she was about to wake up from a dream at one point.
"Of course, of course," the professor uttered loudly. "My bad, baby, my bad." She was calling her that too.
Sara guided her student to her room. The door was ajar, she allowed Tegan in first and pushed her small body gently until the student sat on the mattress. While Tegan looked around, Sara left again in order to drag both suitcases inside the room.
"Sara, don't hurt yourself with them," Tegan warned again.
"I'm a muscular, strong woman now, don't worry." Sara laughed a little, looking back at her student.
Tegan was amazed to see different types of stuffed animals, dolls, and small toys on Sara's messy mattress. They were all in a circle and her own teddy bear was sitting there too. A children's tea set was inside that circle. Two coloured pots (one bigger than other), six tea cups, and fake plates with fake cakes and cookies in them were facing each toy or stuffed animal. "Sorry about my untidiness." It was so like Sara to apologize about such a thing.
Tegan turned her head and saw the woman standing there before her. Dark blue pajama pants and a black shirt covered her body. Her hair was wet and her face free of make up for the first time since she had seen her again, but Tegan didn't notice it until now because she was already so used to see Sara's fresh, beautiful face. It was still that way without make up. She wondered why Sara hid her features if they were still beautiful and even more vibrant now that she had gained a healthy amount of weight.
"So that's what professor Clement does in her free time? A tea party with Angel and her friends?" Sara laughed, loudly this time. She loved that woman, she loved her too much. She missed her too much, God, she did.
Sara sat beside her student, very close to her, just to feel the heat of skin and breath on her own skin. "That's what professor Clement does in her free time," Sara confirmed, nodding and smiling, "she hosts a tea party with Lady Ella until they're both hungry and tired." Sara reached for Tegan's hair and brushed it all behind her face, she wanted a better view of her lover. "Tegan Rain," Sara whispered her name.
Tegan looked at her face, her eyes, her beautiful features, the button nose and the puffy lips. Tegan looked at the hazel irises for a long time. Sara looked at her back too. It's as if they were trying to compensate the loss of the past two years with silent admiration. Both wanted to kiss each other but none of them dared to do so. They were enjoying the moment, it was a sweet moment.
"What did this life do to you, Tegan?" Sara asked, taking a look at Tegan's hand.
"It's me, it's mostly me."
"Why, baby?" Sara's voice was gentle and sweet.
"I didn't want to feel healthy when you were sick."
"That's not a wise thing to do. Look at you, you're paleness isn't promising." Tegan looked down at her lap. "I'm going to restore that health back to you. I don't ever want you to end up like I did."
Tegan chuckled. "Like you did?"
"Anemia is very serious," Sara said, "it made me lose a child."
"Well, I'm not pregnant, nor thinking about being so anytime soon." Tegan paused. "But I understand what you mean."
"I was healthy when I was pregnant, I just wasn't at a certain time before, things accumulated. "They were already in dark places, already digging up miseries and past pains.
Tegan looked up at Sara once again. She read about Alice in that notebook. When she saw her name, she didn't understand it first, but she started to understand slowly whenever the name was mentioned. Sara only mentioned the name whenever she mentioned loss. She was too attached to that baby she had never seen, it bewildered Tegan, it made her even more sad for Sara.
"You had an intravenous fluid delivery today?" Tegan nodded. "You fainted?" Tegan nodded again. "Was it because of me?" Tegan shook her head. "Talk, Tegan, talk, baby. Why do you never speak to me?"
"I'm sorry." Tegan never realized she was that silent. It was a habit she had around Sara. Was she scared of that woman? She wasn't anymore, she loved her. Maybe she was a bit shy, but she shouldn't be. It's Sara, good old Sara who had taught her things and seen many things, yes it was that Sara. "I mean," Tegan said, a little laughter in her tone, "I'm just a bit overwhelmed."
"Tell me, tell me everything." Sara stood up. "Come with me to the kitchen, I have vegan lasagna in the fridge. You need food in your system, good Sara food that would put the colour back in your cheeks." Sara pulled her.
"I'm not that hungry. It's hard for me to eat, it's the reason why I'm like that." But Sara was already directing her to the kitchen.
"That's in the past, now you're in my home, now it's time things get better for you." Sara pulled back a chair and watched Tegan sit on it. She brought her lips closer to Tegan's ear and whispered, "We need to get you back that ass of yours." Sara quickly pecked her earlobe, making Tegan blush instantly.
Sara was still like that, still vulgar in her own habitat and comfort zone. She still noticed the different details. Tegan wondered if Sara noticed how small her breasts had gotten, she wondered if she'd be disappointed. Everybody asked her what happened there, her mother was surprised too, it's like all the weight she had lost was taken away from that one area.
Just then, she remembered she was very hot wearing this heavy coat. She began unbuttoning it while Sara messed around in the kitchen. She removed her coat and put it on another chair.
Sara put a plate with a square piece of vegan lasagna in front of her student and a plate in front of her. She put a glass of water, a fork and a knife next to Tegan's plate and did the same next to her own. Tegan looked at the clock on the wall, it was twelve. Sara sat opposite to her.
"I'm going to eat with you even though I've already eaten three pieces not so long ago." Tegan's eyes widened. Her pupils immediately and inadvertently shifted to her professor's chest, but quickly shifted back again looking at her plate. "Don't be surprised, I'm a foodie. Don't you remember the time I ate seven pizza slices and you barely ate three?" Tegan nodded with a small laugh.
They began to eat silently. Sara watched Tegan's closed mouth move while she chewed, she watched slender fingers wrap around the metals to cut herself a small piece, she watched her hair covering her eyes, and watched her jaw moving as well. Sara kicked her student's leg gently under the table. Tegan lifted her head up to look at her professor.
"How is it?" Sara asked. She had already finished her piece, but Tegan was a slow eater.
"Do you really have to ask?" Tegan smiled. "You know it's great."
"Ya, duh." Sara flipped her short hair. "But how is it to you?"
"Best thing I've ever tasted," Tegan said.
Sara wanted to strike with a dirty joke, but she didn't, she resisted till she forgot about it.
"Aren't you scared?" Tegan asked.
"Of what?"
"Us getting caught and your job is threatened again?"
"Oh." Sara nodded. "Didn't you see the big Assistant Dean outside my door?"
"Ya?"
"Tegan, let's just say they can't really talk to me because I'm kind of the boss."
"How?"
"Well," Sara said, a smile on her face, "going to receive my new title, Head of the Department, very soon, while still remaining an Assistant Dean."
"But you're not the boss. Only our department's boss. Sara, I'm serious." Tegan felt too anxious. She didn't want a repeat of what happened. She didn't want Sara's recklessness to destroy them.
"Relax, honey," Sara said, "you're graduating in less than three months. We'll be very careful now and after that nobody can say anything." Tegan nodded.
Silence. Sara stood up and took the plates to the sink. She thought about washing them in the morning. She was thinking. She looked back at Tegan sitting then looked back at the dishes again. Maybe she could do them now, maybe, yes.
"Are you going to be my wife or not?" Sara asked quite loudly for the silent place. Tegan jumped a bit. She looked up at Sara, whose thoughts couldn't wait another minute of captivity inside her brain.
Or maybe she couldn't wash these dishes now. More important matters were inside her mind.
"How can you love me to this extent, Sara?" Sara walked up to Tegan again. "Am I even worth it?"
"Don't ask me how my heart bleeds. Don't question me about my love. That's how I love, in an insane way, in an obsessive way. When I love, I love wholly, with everything in me. You don't see half of the beauty in you, you don't allow yourself to see it, but I do. You don't open your heart to allow love to drown you the way I do. So don't ask me how can I love, because it's something that springs out of an inner passion you cannot see nor feel with your earthly thinking."
Sara sat down beside Tegan.
"I love you more than you can ever imagine, and that's something I cannot explain. I love you because I do, and it's something you cannot explain. It's not you, the Tegan you that's standing here that I only love, it's beyond that. It's everything swirling and floating around you, it's everything that smells like you, reminds me of you, gives me this feeling of childish butterflies whispering in my tummy. It's the thought of you alone I also fall in love with. It's that halo wrapped around you wherever you go, I can feel it and see it and touch it with my own eyes, lips, tongue, skin, breath, with all my senses.
"Do you get it, Tegan? A heart doesn't go and pick who to love, because if it did so, that love isn't pure. A heart doesn't choose based on age, looks, actions; a heart chooses based on the other heart and what it radiates. My love is pure and innocent and I'm not ashamed of it as you once thought. When I fall in love, I fall blindly and fall on my face, and there's nothing sweeter than the act of falling but nothing hurts more than the moment my face hits the ground."
"You always speak as if you're writing a poem or a book," Tegan complained. Sara knew it was hard for her to accept these words, it was Tegan, she never accepted words of love towards her, she always felt as if she shouldn't be loved.
"And where's the fault in that?" Sara's face was closer to her student's this time. "I speak like that to everyone." She and Jack used to speak like that to each other. They loved doing so.
"You do?" Tegan recalled Sara speaking with Stacy casually, normally. "I don't...notice it." Tegan felt hesitant, she didn't want to hurt Sara's feelings, not again at least.
"If you only accept me the way I am, the way I like to express my feelings."
"I do," Tegan jumped. There it was, Sara's feelings were hurt. "I swear I do. But, Sara, you want something so serious, you want marriage. How can we arrange marriage with adorned language?"
"Pure language, Tegan. Pure, honest language. Honest love, Rain."
Sara was trying and Tegan was trying, but nobody was reaching anything. However, they had all night to keep on trying. Sara was determined to reach a point where they both stood at the same side and not opposite from each other.
"Let's go to the bedroom. Let's rest and talk there." Sara picked up Tegan's coat.
"Shouldn't we sleep? We have school tomorrow." Tegan looked around her.
Sara was already removing all the toys from her bed and putting them on the small desk she had in her room. Sara put Tegan's bear on the floor beside her bed.
"You're not going like that, you need rest." Maybe she missed that overprotective part of Sara. "Wear your pajamas, what are you waiting for?" Sara looked back at Tegan.
"Everything's in my suitcase." Tegan knelt down in front of one suitcase and unzipped it. She sat on the floor as she looked at the mess. She never packed very well, everything was mingled with something else.
"Do you have any type of medicines you need to take daily?" Sara asked on purpose. She knew Tegan was taking a couple of vitamins, but she didn't want to let her know that she did know.
"Oh, ya, a lot actually." Tegan looked up at Sara. "I need to go to the bathroom. I need to pee."
"Why don't you go?"
"Oh." Tegan looked at her suitcase again. "Ya." She stood up. She was dizzy, she was tired.
Sara was worried. Very, very worried.
Sara sat down in front of Tegan's suitcase. She found her toiletry bag at first. She opened it and saw the regular things she expected to see. She was able to find pajama shorts and a sleeveless shirt that seemed to be something Tegan slept in among the mess. She sighed as she looked at the chaos of panties, bras, shirts, and books all together. She opened the other suitcase. First thing she found was her own notebook. She left it alone, it was Tegan's now, she had no right to touch it. Then she found several other notebooks. She flipped through them, she recognized her student's handwriting. They were full of poetry and other things she had written. She also had no right to read those, so she left them. Finally, she was able to find the small box full of medicines. She looked at the many pills that she wasn't able to tell the difference between. Tegan was such an unorganized woman, how was she able to tell?
"Oh, you found it," Tegan said, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand.
"Did you puke what you just ate?" Sara squinted her eyes.
"No." Tegan sat next to her. She smelled like mint, not puke. "My stomach was upset, I thought I was about to puke but I didn't. I brushed my teeth...with my finger." Tegan sighed.
"I found your toiletry bag. It has your toothbrush in it," Sara informed. "Are you feeling a bit better now?" Tegan nodded. Sara looked at her for a long second and then asked, "What are all these for? There are too many of them."
Tegan sighed and separated each medicine. "This one is Paracetamol, Sara."
"Oh, ya." Sara nodded. She felt stupid, she could have just read what it said.
"These red pills are iron supplements, basically." Sara felt stupid again, she was taking these not so long ago, in fact, she had taken them for half of her life. "Obviously, this is Advil." Tegan shook the round box, sending a smile Sara's way. Sara's worry made her forget what all of these were. She was anxious about the fact her lover was taking all of these medicines.
"These are birth control pills." Sara pointed at another drug.
"Of course you'd recognize these only." Tegan laughed.
"You're on the pill?" Sara asked.
"No. I only took a few once, I didn't want to get my period for that month. So ya, these are old, I should probably throw them." Sara felt relieved, she didn't know why, but she did. "Alright, this is my antidepressants. I take a very small dose now, though. These are for my anxiety. Stopped taking these just two months ago. These are different types of vitamins that I take. Three kinds. I should probably take them now. These are all flue medications because I get a bad flue. These blue ones are for my allergies. And finally, these round ones are for my cramps. This one is kinda heavy and makes you sleep for hours so I take it whenever I'm sad too. You know, I get really bad cramps, so ya, I had this prescribed, only thing that shuts me up and stops my whining by making me pass out for a whole day."
"Oh, God," Sara said, breathing audibly, "never fucking shut up."
The only thing that Tegan felt was Sara's weight suddenly on top of her, knocking her over. Then soft lips, very soft lips touching her own with passion she hadn't tasted for two whole years. Her eyes closed immediately as she allowed herself to feel and absorb that feeling. What a great feeling. The last time she tasted it they were both crying, there was a goodbye, and she knew it was the last time even though she tried to have one last kiss after that. They were in a different room and a different place. She loved that place and missed it. She wished Sara still lived there. But if that place carried plagues and wounds then the hell with it, she didn't want it. It's not about the place, it's about the person, their touch, their lips, hands, the way they brush those fingers in one's hair like Sara was doing to her now. Those soft moans coming out of Sara's lungs and that heartbeat that was not so foreign to her, she was able to feel all of that and acknowledge it. Heartbeat meant liveliness, it meant that Sara was alive. Yes, she was, and she was kissing her so beautifully, massaging her tongue with her own, sucking it when she could and flicking it too.
And Tegan wanted to show Sara that she too still carried heavy clouds of passion, well-collected in her heart and soul for two damn years. She gripped onto Sara's sleeves with both hands, squeezing the flesh as her tongue performed sweet dancing acts of love with Sara's. Her fingers moved so gently to the rhythm of her tongue, they traced the bare skin and often squeezed. It's like every part of her body was separate from the other, working alone, yet magically working together. She was twirling and soaring in the skies of love and the seas of lust. She was heavy with every emotion she had locked and she was engulfed by every rationality that did not make sense to her anymore. She was in love, in deep, dark, red love.
When Sara pulled away they were both smiling. Sara had never imagined the day would come and she'd be kissed so nutritively that she'd feel even the tiniest hairs on her body alive along with her heart, nerves, and arteries. Even the bones, the dry, hard, and cold bones felt warm like jelly, dancing in ease in the melodies of a fiery love, a glorious love.
Sara wanted and Tegan wanted, they both wanted to act on that instinct and hush it. Tegan was too shy to ask right away and Sara was too scared she would not be able reach those youthful peaks of nirvana with her old woman form.
Tegan kissed Sara once again, a playful kiss, a very playful kiss that Sara couldn't help but giggle after it. Tegan licked Sara's lower lip very quickly and bit her own as the colour crept into her cheeks.
"Marry me," Sara whispered. She needed to solidify this bond they had. She needed to share everything she owned with Tegan.
Tegan sat back again, leaning her back against the television stand. "You know what's your problem?" Sara shook her head. "You're a great feminist but still cannot remove the idea that women should be married and have children in order to be accepted as full-fledged beings."
"No," Sara said a little too loudly, "that's not it."
"Listen to me, just listen." Sara nodded. Her face changed colour, from heated red to shocked yellow. "I know that's the kind of person you are. I know you want a family and you've always wanted kids. But these ideas are deeply rooted inside your head since you were very young. Every page of that notebook, Sara, is a proof further that no matter how much you want to do the opposite of what your mother had taught you, you still want to do what you have been taught. Maybe to prove something to yourself, to her, to the world, to anyone...I don't know. But you're not allowing yourself to feel or love, or even live because your life is so dependent on that thing, marriage and a family." Tegan paused. She lifted up Sara's face, it was down. "You're young, why are you in such a hurry?"
Sara took the hand that cupped her jaw and rubbed its softness. She kissed it and took the other, kissing the knuckles. She took Tegan's body in her arms and hugged her. She kissed her forehead and wiped her own tears as they began to fall. She sat back again, still holding Tegan's hand.
"Maybe what you said is somehow true and I can't feel it because it's subtly hidden inside my thoughts. Maybe it isn't, however." Tegan nodded. She promised herself to accept Sara's thoughts and listen. Good communication was what they have lacked in the past, and now they were finally allowing themselves to speak. "When you love someone so much you just feel like you want to give them everything. I'm sure you have felt that way."
"Of course." Tegan smiled.
"You think about everything you could do with that person. You think of your future, you think of what is going to happen, you think and think and daydream. Didn't you do that when we dated first?"
"I did," Tegan said, a smile never leaving her face, "a lot."
"Me too. I've always done that. With every relationship," Sara said. "Anyway, you think of everything then you reach that point, that point of settling down with that someone. I don't know, having a place with them? Getting a cat, a dog, anything. You get me?"
"I suppose." The only time Tegan thought about a relationship so seriously was when she was with Sara. She even thought of having kids with her. She was young, she was very young.
"You don't really jump and think of marriage and children right away, it just doesn't occur to you. And even when the thoughts crawl into your mind at night, you push them away until you're actually very settled with that person, after five years or something, then you start to think so much of such matters." Tegan nodded. "I was like that. I was always like that. When I met Jack I didn't even think of me getting married at all. Never. I swear to you, Tegan, the thought never occurred to me. I was living my life and having fun. Then I fell in love too quickly and he did too. He started bringing up the subject whenever we're out in public, watching families together, watching a proposal happening, in a wedding, or anywhere. The thought began to tickle my mind each night, each morning, whenever I watched him read a book, or write an article, whenever I watched him teach as I was passing by his classes. I was like, that's the person, that's the person I want to spend my life with, yes."
"Wow." Tegan chuckled. She hadn't ever thought of that. Did she ever think that of Sara? Maybe. She really couldn't remember. She loved her so much and worried about their future but did she reach that point? What if she loved less than Sara? No, she didn't, these past two years of mourning proved that she loved Sara to an unrealistic extent.
"In case you're lost, Jack teaches in WSU. Also literature."
"I figured from the notebook."
"Oh, ya, I have mentioned that." Sara laughed. "I have mentioned many things, haven't I?" Tegan nodded. "Ya, so Jack was giving me hints and I was happy to receive them. We got married." Sara shrugged with a smile, her beautiful hair was less wet now, curled beautifully, stopping at the middle of her neck. "Then the children scenario started after about six months." Tegan knew this story, Sara had already told her about it. "Trying to make a baby wasn't very fun even during that process of trying to make the baby." Sara winked. She was telling the story with a warm soul.
"You don't have to go through that, Sara. It's okay," Tegan said.
"I want to, I want to reveal everything." Sara paused. "And you're going to do the same after I'm done."
"I will."
"I told you about all the complications." Tegan nodded. "I feel like whenever you don't get to have something, you want it more. Each time we failed, I felt more upset till I became obsessed with having that damn child. I didn't even think of children before, same as marriage, it came all of a sudden. We were just like, ya, let's make a baby. And each month I got my period, I spent those seven days crying, waiting for the golden time to try again. And I got my period again, cried again, and tried again."
Tegan squeezed Sara's hand this time. Her frown was visible on her face. She was trying to imagine it, she was trying to imagine Sara's distress, Sara's need. She couldn't feel it perfectly but she understood it, she was beginning to understand it.
"Tegan, I...I monitored everything. I went to many doctors. My body got messed up. Even the damn food was changed. My sitting position, my sleeping position. The hormones I was taking, they were horrible, so horrible. And with every attempt I grew angrier and more needy. I was just this ball of anxiousness walking around my place, shouting at furniture, crying on the floor, hitting myself when he wasn't around. I don't know why I did that, but it made me feel like I wasn't able to bring that one thing. And one time I didn't want it, but because I couldn't have it I became obsessed with wanting to have it. I just wanted a baby."
"I think I get you," Tegan said. "I think people always want what they can't have."
"It was bad. Very bad." Sara shook her head. "But, you know, then I was pregnant and happy again and healthy, whatever." Tegan moved her bum, inching closer to Sara's form. "My health deteriorated all of a sudden, lack of nutrition, iron deficiency, whatever. I got a very early birth, lost lots of blood, went through an emergency C-section, and had a premature baby who was barely alive."
"I thought...?" Tegan's brows were arched. She hadn't heard these information before, nor read them.
"I kept that part to myself." Sara wiped more tears. She didn't even know she was crying. "Anyway, they all lied to me and said the baby's fine for the sake of my health. We named her Alice since we agreed on it before. I decided to go see her and they didn't let me do it first. I insisted and my mum took me. I realized my baby couldn't even open her eyes, she couldn't suckle, she couldn't cry. She could barely move. The nurse said it's fine and she's a premature baby, but I could see all these babies around looking much better. I came back the next day and the same thing happened. It was strange. I told Jack about it and he said it's going to be okay." Tegan wiped Sara's own tears because they were falling in abundance. "My health wasn't that good again and it deteriorated all of a sudden and I spent a whole week in some kind of a haze. All I kind of do remember is them telling me we've lost the baby."
"I'm sorry." What would she say other than apologizing? She was a bit shocked, startled. Sorry felt as if it was the right thing to say. Yes, perhaps, she didn't know.
"Anyway, Tegan, I'm taking too long." Sara chuckled through tears.
"No, no, we need to talk. I told you, I need you to tell me what you hide. I will tell you everything too."
"Ya...I mean, just to reach to my point. This whole thing made me even more obsessed with the idea of wanting to have a family. Especially that I have failed at that department. Then there was this whole cancer thing. You've read everything documented in the notebook." Tegan nodded. "It's just that I reached to a point where I cannot trust my life. I cannot even know what the next hour holds. I'm in a rush because I don't want to waste another minute thinking about a future I might not have. I know it's selfish to bring someone with me to an unknown abyss but I can't really just do the thing of living alone, daydreaming about what I can't have. It kills me alive, it really does. I got a second chance to live and I want to take advantage of it. I'm a woman, Tegan, I want to feel like one, I want to feel like a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, a lover, I want that. I want these simple, normal things because they remind me that life is still moving and I'm still okay. I want to marry you because I love you so much and I want to share everything with you. I want children from you, I actually want that, I want it so much and I can't stop thinking about it." Tegan didn't know what she should say. They were back at that point and these promises and she was scared of them. "I want that so I can feel as if we're not just ordinary lovers. I want that to feel as if we're more, we share things, we make things together. And I can't blame you for not wanting all that or understanding my perspective, but someone like me threatened to lose everything at once, they'd do the impossible to have everything they can't have just to say a big fuck you to the world that deprived them of the normal happy things people can easily have and take for granted."
Sara had her own point of view, her own perspective which was born after years of turmoil. Tegan? Tegan didn't understand half of that because she was just entering the depths of her youth. She was just starting to understand what's it like to be so in love, she was just starting to tell right from wrong, she was just starting to realize that some things she used to do were so immature and sometimes she still felt like that. And all of a sudden someone like Sara, as old as her, as experienced as her, decided to marry her, not only that, but also have a kid with her?
Was she willing to do that? Just casually? Say yes? Let's get married. Oh, let's make a baby too. Was she that in love?
"Even though I don't believe in marriage and still think it's a stupid paper signed by stupid people, I'm still going to marry you because I love you." Sara looked up with a smile, a strange smile, a questioning smile. "I mean, I won't lose anything, I guess."
Yes, she was that in love. She said yes...just to make Sara happy. Did she know how to say no? What if she was never able to say no because she was so in love and didn't want to waste that love? She was too young. She herself knew that only young people thought so irrationally and said yes so quickly.
"I know...I know it's too much. Too damn early, too straightforward. I know it's scary, it's irrational and it's strange. Trust me, I know, but I just want it too much, more than the limitation caused by all these reasons."
"It's okay, I'm starting to understand. Step by step. We'll work it out."
"So...we're together now, right?"
"Yes," Tegan said, "but unmarried...or engaged. I don't know. I want to graduate first, you know_"
"Of course," Sara interrupted.
"Remove all my four wisdom teeth then."
"What does that have to do with us getting married?"
"Huh?" Tegan was deep in thought. How was she going to tell her mother that? Shit, she would kill her. "Oh...I don't know...but I have to." Sara nodded. She understood Tegan's brain was a wreck at that moment, she understood too well.
"Come here, my baby, come here." Tegan inched closer to Sara. "Let's postpone talking about this. It's too much for you right now." Tegan gave a nod. It was too much and she was more than happy to stop talking about it. "Why don't you change?"
It hit Tegan she was sitting in Sara's room, Sara's place...again. She looked around her and behind her and at Sara's face. It's as if she had forgotten due to the the heaviness of Sara's words. But how could she forget? She was with the person she was crying to be with just hours ago. She cried for two years to be with Sara. She had many dreams and different nightmares about being with Sara. And now she was, so why was it strange? Why did she feel so overwhelmed?
"Do you want me to turn around or leave? I'll get you a glass of water." Before Sara could stand, Tegan pulled up her sweater above her head. Sara couldn't leave, she watched Tegan change right in front of her.
Tegan's white tank top was being pulled up with her sweater, but Sara took a hold of it and lowered it. "What? Do you think I'm shy? There's nothing you haven't seen nor touched." Sara laughed a little. Tegan took off her tank top quickly. "Just different sizes maybe." She looked down at her chest.
"Ya...what happened there?" Sara's eyes shifted to Tegan's chest. She remembered Tegan's full breasts, they were so round and so beautiful. She loved them so much. She loved touching them and kissing them. Sometimes, she even fantasized about fucking them, but she didn't want to scare Tegan by asking her to do that. She did notice that they were almost nonexistent this past month, but she always thought Tegan was hiding them well with a sports bra. Now Tegan was sitting just an inch away from her, in a small bra and a small body, much smaller than her own.
Tegan shrugged as she looked down at her chest again. "Baby fat I guess? I lost it? Or, you know, my weight loss was centered mostly in my tits." Sara giggled. She didn't know why, but she did. She never thought Tegan would be talking so freely and using these words so freely, sitting in front of her half naked so freely and without a hint of coyness. "Why are you laughing?" Tegan was laughing too.
"You said tits." Sara laughed more, her shoulders shaking, her breasts bouncing, Tegan noticed it all. Maybe it was that hour of the night when Sara was too tired to make sense.
"Me saying tits is funny?" Sara nodded with laughter. She felt too happy to shut up. Tegan was there, she just wanted to laugh and be silly with her. "Hmm. Well, what happened there?" Tegan pointed at Sara's chest.
"What happened there?" Sara calmed down. She looked down at her chest. She saw nothing but her nipples hard, poking her shirt. "Oh, I'm not wearing a bra." Sara blushed.
"No, I meant...did you get a boob job?" As soon as she asked she felt stupid and silly. She blushed heavily.
"Oh." Sara smiled. "That." She cupped her full breasts. "So you've noticed." It was so easy to do these things in front of Tegan. It's as if they had left each other for only a day and now they were back, still able to act silly around each other...except Tegan wasn't so shy anymore.
"Kinda hard not to." Tegan reached back and unhooked her bra. She let it fall down on her lap. When she raised up her head she saw Sara staring at her breasts. "Are you disappointed?" She felt just a tad self-conscious.
"Why would I?" Sara looked up at Tegan's face.
"You know, they're, like, B cups now. I reached D cups at one point when I was with you. I have no idea what happened. My mum thought I got a breast reduction."
"I could never be disappointed by your body, Tegan. It's your body, not mine. I love you as Tegan, as a whole, I don't just love your body only. You get it?" Tegan nodded. "Breasts change in size quickly for some women. I'm like that too. When I was your age my breasts were very big, as big as yours were and even more. Then I lost a bit of weight and they were reduced in size. Then I was pregnant and they were so fucking swollen and annoying, it was like I was carrying two water tanks on my chest. Then I was sick and they got so small the more I lost weight. Now they're very decent after the whole weight gain and exercises. So to answer your question, no, I didn't get a boob job."
"I was just kidding." Tegan was unbuttoning her pants now.
"Wanna see?" Sara asked, a playful smirk on her face.
Tegan stood up, taking her pants off. She kicked them down her legs and Sara looked up at Tegan's crotch. Even though Tegan tried to hide it, Sara noticed the very small wet spot, which widened her smirk. She wondered if she had one too. She couldn't feel it, so she probably didn't have it. She wished to get back to those times when getting wet was so easy and happened very quickly. It used to bother her, especially when she was a teenager, always heated by anything that turned her just a tad on. She used to be embarrassed at times, but now she wished she'd go back to those times.
The only reason why Tegan didn't respond was because she didn't really know if she wanted to see or not. She wanted to leave it for the imagination but she also wanted to see. She was going to see Sara naked eventually, but she didn't really want to do that now. Mostly, because she was very horny and wanted her relief, any further teasing was going to make her spend the night in pain. Also it was the fact that she wanted to see everything when they slept together. She didn't know when that was going to happen but she hoped very soon.
"I take silence as a yes." But Sara had other plans. When Tegan sat down in front of her again, fully dressed in the clothes Sara fetched from the suitcase, Sara lifted her shirt up, revealing two round breasts, perfectly shaped, with pink hard nipples. Okay, maybe she actually did want to see. But she was definitely going to pay the price because she felt the tiny jump in her clit as soon as Sara's breasts were revealed.
Tegan took a breath and chuckled nervously. "Wow." Sara looked down at her breasts, she squeezed one and brushed her thumb over the nipple. "You're doing this on purpose."
"Perhaps." Sara beamed at Tegan. "Do you miss them? Do you miss my body?"
"You have no fucking idea how much I do miss touching you." Tegan sighed. "Do you know how long has it been since I touched a girl's boob last? Or saw a girl's boob? Too damn long."
"Not longer than me, trust me." Sara let her shirt fall down, covering her breasts and half of her tummy. Tegan didn't notice the new lines of stitches because of Sara's sitting position. "Come on. Get up. Let's get inside the covers. I'll go get you water. You need to be hydrated. And we'll talk more. Your turn to tell me what happened to you. Unless you're very tired."
"No, I want to talk." She was tired, very much in fact. But who cares? She was with Sara. She could forget about her aching head or her blurry eyes for several more minutes.
Tegan was trying to remove the cannula when Sara came with a glass of water. Sara put the glass down on the bedside table and removed Tegan's hand away gently. "No, no, no," Sara said as if she was talking to a child. "Stacy will remove it tomorrow. Leave it."
Tegan sighed. "It's fine, Sara. I can remove it. It's doing nothing."
"No."
"Why not?"
"I don't want you to hurt yourself."
Tegan looked at Sara. She looked at her eyes. She found honest concern and worry. She sighed again and nodded. If Sara was going to treat her like a child then let her do so, Tegan didn't care anymore. That was just how Sara was, it was her persona, and Tegan couldn't stop it nor change it.
"Drink your water and take your vitamins."
"Yes, mother." Tegan couldn't believe herself, but she actually missed that, she missed that overprotectiveness and that sense of motherhood in Sara's actions. She missed being taken care of.
Sara looked back at Tegan, she was facing her closet, picking clothes to wear in the morning. She saw Tegan's grin and smiled in return. She promised herself she'd change her ways when talking to Tegan, yet there she was again, talking to her as a superior in age and experience, not as a lover. She realized she couldn't control her actions much. She was worried, very worried about the health of her lover. She always wanted to take care of her, and now she wanted it more. God knows what she was eating, how she was sleeping, who were her friends, what she did in her free time. Tegan didn't give a notebook to Sara that filled her in on the past two years. Sara was trying to grasp these information by conversation. She hoped Tegan wouldn't leave something unrevealed.
"Aren't I keeping you awake? Shouldn't you sleep so you can wake up tomorrow and teach?"
"I have all the time to sleep. I told you, I want to take advantage of every minute I have with what I love. And since I love you, I want to spend my minutes with you." Sara prepared her grey trousers and light blue shirt to wear in the morning. "Plus, I return early."
"It scares me when you speak like that. It feels as if I'm going to lose you again."
Sara switched off the lights and switched on the two lamps on each side of the bed. Silence hovered for several seconds until she said, "It's better than giving you a rainbow image of what I lack knowledge of. It's better than lying to you like I once did then all of a sudden I'm gone."
"You're healthy now." Tegan was scared. She didn't want to think of the dark windows of life, she wanted to stay in the light.
But it was her who complained about Sara not telling her what was going on. It was her who asked Sara to be with her in sickness and health. She might as well suck it up and take the burdens that came with having a serious relationship if she wanted one.
"And I was healthy two years ago too." Sara removed the duvet and inched closer to Tegan's body. She held onto Tegan's tattooed arm. She kissed Tegan's soft cheek and mumbled, "I don't want to scare you, I just want to put you in the picture. I'm so happy right now, you have no idea how happy I am. I'm so scared this happiness might get taken away from me all of a sudden. It's the scenario of my life. God is like, give Sara something, but take it away from her and mock her because she doesn't deserve to be happy."
"Baby," Tegan whispered. She didn't use these words, she didn't recall using them ever, but the atmosphere felt right, she wanted to use them. She wanted to kiss Sara's forehead and so she did. She wanted to make Sara feel that she too was able to take care of her like she did argue with her in the office just this morning.
What a long day it had been, what a long day.
"What did you do these two years I was dead?"
"Sara," Tegan said in a warning tone.
Sara laughed. "You know what I mean."
"They weren't very fun for me either." Sara hummed. She buried her face in the warmth of Tegan's skin, her lips touched Tegan's neck and her arm spread over Tegan's stomach. "I messed up a lot. I messed up so much. I was very much not that sane after you left. I mean, in the sense of depression, I suppose. I just wanted to know anything about you. I went up to the department each day and asked about you. I made sure your office stayed as it was that year. I studied so hard till I started reciting Medieval poetry before falling asleep because they reminded me of you. I slept with people I didn't remember their faces the second day."
Sara found Tegan's hand and held it, she squeezed it gently. Sara kissed Tegan's neck as she remembered the times they talked in darkness just two years ago. How great did it feel to experience the same nightly nostalgia once again.
"Emy and I dated. I don't know why I dated her. I guess I needed to fill the void. Abuse the fact that somebody was madly in love with me. I was such a slut, I cheated on her with, basically, all her friends."
Sara laughed loudly, very, very loudly. "Oh my God." Sara wasn't able to stop laughing. Tegan? Her Tegan? Sleeping with many people? That was not something she imagined. "Shut up."
"It's true."
"No." Sara was still laughing.
"And Jeremy."
"Wait." Sara stopped laughing. "You're serious?" She sat up just a bit. "I mean, no, wait, you slept with people? I mean..." Sara's face was heated, her heart was beating quickly. "I thought...I was actually just kidding when I said that crude comment about you and Jeremy in the bar."
"I told you...I was a slut...or a mess."
"I mean..." Sara lay down again. She looked up at the ceiling. "How many people did you sleep with?"
"I think about eight women other than Emy and Jeremy."
"Do you still talk to them?" Why was she jealous? Why did she feel jealous? Why was her heart beating like that? Why did she feel like hurting Jeremy so much. She was already jealous, but now that she knew Tegan had actually slept with him, she felt herself fuming.
"Calm down," Tegan whispered. "All were like a one night thing. And no...not all together." Sara did not laugh this time. "But Jeremy..." Tegan didn't know what to say. Jeremy was different. It was a different situation, a complicated situation. "I don't know why I always ran to him for comfort. I don't know why that comfort was sexual. I don't know why I spent a year at his place and we were like an ordinary couple, sleeping together almost everyday, doing things couples did, but never accepting the fact that I was his girlfriend."
"I'm shocked." And she was. She was shocked and she felt stupid to think Tegan had waited two long years for her. How was Tegan to know that she was returning anyway? She, herself, didn't know she'd be alive. But why did it bother her so much? Why was she so angry with herself and with Jeremy, Emy, and that lesbian clan that she didn't need to ask Tegan about in order to know them. They were still there at the university. She saw them everyday and they looked at her and whispered everyday.
She wondered if they knew about her and Tegan.
"I have a whore heart. I run after love and can't get enough of it. And my whore heart doesn't love easily. It only loves one person and since that person wasn't around, my heart chased every stray heart and fooled with it."
"Look at you speaking like me." Sara chuckled. "And you say you don't like the way I speak."
"I love the way you speak," Tegan said.
"Continue," Sara whispered. "What did your whore heart feel for Jeremy? Did it feel love? I thought you're into girls only. Did you enjoy your time with him?"
"He was there." Tegan wasn't going to lie about her feelings or past. No need for lies, no need for schemes if they were going to found a home together. "I did not love him at all. But, admittedly, I did love his touches. My body did love him, my whore heart? No, not an inch of it loved him."
"You loved having sex with him?" Sara wasn't able to stop being jealous, everything made her so. She worried that the sex she would offer wouldn't compete with Jeremy's. She worried Tegan would be bored of her body and how slowly it functioned now.
"It was fun for the most part of it. He knew...he knew what I wanted." Tegan felt guilty saying all these things, but Sara wanted to know. "But I always felt so empty after it. So fucking stupid and disgusted with myself at times. It was just wrong. I always wanted to leave and just go, but I never was able to. I don't know why. It's as if I was waiting for something, for a signal, for a sign...and it never came."
"But here you are." Sara swallowed the hard lump in her throat.
"Because I was actually waiting for you, I guess." Tegan looked to her right at Sara's face. "Something always told me you would come back even when I lost that hope at one point. I just felt it. I dreamed about you chasing me. I dreamed about you as a witch, as a ghost, as a woman following me around."
Sara laughed this time around.
"And today I just knew it was time. I had to leave. I saw how sad he was. I saw how betrayed he felt. I couldn't just stay for the sake of his love though, not anymore."
"Sometimes you have to break a heart to please another." Sara was glad she was the winner.
Sara thought about the time Tegan and Emy kissed in front of her two years before. It was heartbreaking, the most heartbreaking scene. She had been cheated on before, but that was the most heartbreaking one of the three times. Maybe because she saw it in her own eyes, maybe because she was sick, maybe because Tegan was her last hope to hold onto something to keep her alive. It was one of these things that made the memory still be fresh in her heart, making it sting just a little. She worried Tegan would do the same. She worried Tegan would cheat again, would stray again, would go to those who gave her warmth, care, love, and good sex. Was she able to give her all that? She wanted to give her all that and more. She wanted to shower her with care and love, happiness and fun.
"Why are you crying, Sara?" Tegan asked.
Yes, she was crying. She couldn't just shake the thoughts away.
"Because I'm scared you'd leave me for him or anybody else. I'm scared you'd cheat again," Sara admitted easily.
"I still can't forgive myself for the time I cheated on you. I still feel stupid because of it." Tegan didn't think strong Sara would be crying because of such fear.
But wait, Sara was not that strong. That was just a mask she put on in the past, that was just something she pretended. Sara was a vulnerable woman, full of sorrow and apprehension, a lot like herself.
"I'd kill you with my bare hands if you cheated on me." One time, Sara said the same thing to Jack. It was before their divorce, after the numerous times Jack had cheated on her. Jack didn't cheat on her after that. They still did get a divorce, however. There was no love anymore. She spoke these same words to Tegan without being aware of them until they left her mouth. Her life felt ironic, it's as if she was going in circles. She didn't know when it was going to end. When was she going to start a new and a better chapter?
"I'd kill me first."
"You really have a whore heart, Tegan Rain," Sara said through tears. Why was she still crying? "You wonder about my love and question my passion. You leave me chasing you and act as if you don't want to be with me. You love me, yet you can't accept the fact that I love you maddeningly."
"Because you can get anybody in this world. You're too damn perfect to choose someone like me."
"I loved you before I knew you were a student, before I knew your age," Sara said.
"I know," Tegan said.
"I loved you before talking to you."
"I know."
"I loved you and I didn't even know you."
"I know."
"Was I supposed to not love you because you turned out to be younger than I expected?"
Tegan didn't answer this time.
"I just loved you. I just fell in love with you. And the more I spoke to you, the more I adored you." Sara wasn't crying anymore. "Maybe I felt stupid and very immature, but I always feel like that with love. It makes me stupid and it makes me immature. It makes me act like a child."
"What about me? I thought I was the one who acted as the child?" Tegan smiled.
"You are a child," Sara teased. She smiled too.
"Children have innocent hearts...I have a heart that's a whore."
"No." Sara looked to her left, smiling at Tegan's smiling face. "You have an innocent heart, though you're just a big slut." Sara kissed her lips. "And I love you."
"Will you be angry with me if I told you you're such a cliche?" Sara shook her head. "You're also a baby." Sara giggled. "You really are."
"You have changed...a lot."
"That's a normal thing." Tegan wanted to sleep. She wanted to close her eyes and sleep. She'd get a good sleep because they had a good talk. Her eyelids felt heavy and her mind wanted to shut down.
"You're more confident now. What's in your heart is on your tongue now. I like it very much. It's very nice, I like it." Tegan hummed. "Ya, I think we should sleep. I don't think I'll be able to do that, however."
"Why?" Tegan yawned.
"I'm excited. You're in my place. I'm like an excited child. I want to wake up quickly, go to work, and come back to be with you." Tegan giggled. "Ella will be here though," Sara said with a sad tone.
Tegan grinned while her eyes were closed. "We can always do what you have in mind when Ella's back home."
"What?" Sara didn't understand what Tegan meant. Sara wanted to sit with Tegan and wanted to talk more.
Apparently Tegan was the one with the darker thoughts. She opened her eyes and looked at Sara's clueless ones. "Good night, Sara." She smiled sweetly.
Sara couldn't sleep. She really was that excited. She stroked Tegan's arm and studied her tattoo. She wondered what that tree meant. She loved the flowers on the other arm the most, they were so beautiful and well-painted.
She lay her head on the pillow, closed her eyes, and opened them once again. She smiled to herself. She prayed that her life wouldn't take an ugly turn once again. She prayed that her love would prosper. She prayed she'd start something solid with Tegan. She prayed for health, happiness, and love. She prayed for a normal life, for a simple life.