Sara remained in the bathroom after her lover had stormed out of there. The words kept repeating themselves in her head as she took her clothes off and moisturized her dry, hot skin. She looked at herself in the mirror again. The redness was slowly growing on her chest; it started from her collarbones and descended to the two mounds, stopping just a bit above her areola. She felt the heat against her upper back as well. She sighed frustratedly while her mind hurried, processing everything that's underneath.
She couldn't put much clothes on; the heat was pouring from inside her skin, radiating to the outside climate and embracing her small frame. Angrily, she grabbed an elastic hair-band that was on the shelf below the mirror. Tegan's dark hairs were still tangled up in there. She removed the three hairs from the white hair-band and messily locked her hair inside it. She felt her soft hairs being pulled way too much, hurting her scalp and soon her entire head. However, Sara did not care.
She walked out to her room without any clothes on. She felt dirty even though she showered in the morning. She hated these hot flashes; they always made her feel dirty. Tegan's bony frame was on the mattress, lying there, facing the window and not Sara's side of the mattress.
The dresser was just there, below the window. When Sara stood there to fetch an underwear, she felt the heat spreading more; covering her entire skin. As she finally settled on a very thin, silky underwear good for her sensitive skin, she turned around only to notice that Tegan had shifted to the other side. Sara sighed once again as she walked to the closet. She knew she had a tank top hiding right there, she just couldn't tell where she exactly had put it. The closet was suffocated with Tegan's heavy clothes. How much clothes could one small girl own? They were going to need a large place with a large closet and large everything. And Tegan's shoes were another issue. Sara could swear she had only seen her in two different pairs, so why the hell she had more than fourteen pairs lying around? Most of them were clearly very new; never even worn once. Why did Tegan have too much of everything?
Sara found the old white tank top that she kept for these occasions. She usually slept naked when she was hit with these hot flashes, and mostly, they happened during the day, not the night. But with Tegan around, she didn't want to do that. Something felt strange and not quite normal in doing that. Were they ever going to get used to each other and act as freely around each other like they once did? Tegan seemed way more relaxed than her. She had her own reasons; she was self-conscious, scared, afraid, too anxious, too much in love.
And then it hit her all of a sudden in the middle of her thoughts—Tegan's very rich. She was too in love with a girl who was insanely rich, not just rich. It never showed on her outer appearance but it did show on her mother. It did show now that she paid attention to how many things Tegan had but never used.
Sara wasn't rich. She could barely afford a decent house. She was also saving for a child. She had to. She made up her mind and the decision was set; even if Tegan didn't want to carry, Sara would adopt one. She needed one. Her instinct was flowing, it was all over the place. Fulfilling it with Ella was not the same. She wanted her own child. She wanted to spoil them and love them and buy things for them. And the money she provided could barely provide that.
Sara got into her bed after switching the lights off. As soon as her head hit her pillow, Tegan turned around, facing the other side again. Sara laughed softly. Her hand reached Tegan's arm but they were quickly shaken off by Tegan's body.
"Tegan," Sara whispered. "You're mad at me?" That was a stupid question, she thought. She tried again, "I'm ready to do anything you want, I just want you to understand my point. I..."
"I'm very tired. Like, very, very tired. Can we talk in the morning?" Her lover's voice was deep, very deep.
Sara's body embraced Tegan's from behind. "Are you okay? Do you want me to take you to the hospital right now?" Sara said quickly. Her voice was suddenly too loud.
Tegan shifted her body away from her professor's. "No," she said dryly. "I have a bad headache. Just let me sleep."
"No," Sara said the same thing. "I can't. I have to make you feel better." Sara pushed the duvet off their bodies. Sweat had begun collecting in her armpits. Tegan shivered. She took the duvet back, covering herself. "You're cold?"
"Yes," Tegan said.
"Look at me," Sara pleaded. "Turn around."
When Tegan did not respond, Sara hugged her body from behind again. But Tegan shifted away for the second time. Sara kicked the duvet off their bodies angrily and sat up. Tegan did not bother looking at what was going on. Sara almost growled like a little wolf. Almost. She switched sides quickly; her face crashed on Tegan's pillow and her smile widened when she met Tegan's eyes. She was glad that the lamp on Tegan's bedside table was on. Before Tegan could even think of shifting, Sara's legs imprisoned her. Tegan gasped when the older woman locked her way out with both legs and arms.
Sara giggled. "There's no way out from me." Her legs wrapped around Tegan's while her crotch came in contact with the student's upper thighs. Her head fell on Tegan's chest. Even though her body seemed as if it was on fire, her soul was cool enough; relaxed and calm with its own satisfaction. "I'm gonna keep you warm." Sara gathered the duvet and covered both of them in it.
"You're crazy," Tegan whispered.
"If I wasn't, you wouldn't be in my bed," Sara said.
"I'm still not talking to you." Sara sighed. "I have the worst headache of the decade," Tegan contradicted her words. "If I don't sleep now I'll cry till morning."
"I'm worried," Sara said in a calm tone.
"When I get cold and angry I get a migraine," Tegan said. "But your body is very hot so I'm not that cold anymore."
Sara kissed her jaw because it's the closest thing she could reach without losing the comfort of the position she was in. Tegan didn't say anything anymore. After very few minutes, Sara began to hear the soft breaths of her sleeping lover.
She held her closely and squeezed. She kept listening to her soft breaths and her heartbeat. If a second passed without her hearing the steady breaths, she would open up her eyes, looking and searching for anything that could have gotten wrong in that second. And then her lover's breaths would make a gentle noise again and Sara's chest would relax again.
She finally buried her face in Tegan's chest and sniffed the soft scent of peaches that her lover still radiated. Her hands rubbed the clothed back and her eyes closed hearing the steady rhythm of a heart beating.
Her eyes opened all of a sudden. They were wide and they stung. She felt the sticky perspiration on her forehead, on her neck, on her chest, on her back, under her arms, and on her palms. She was alone on the mattress. She looked around her and beside her but Tegan was not there. She had never felt like a child lost in a store because her mother forgot her and left more than this moment. Her heart quickened and her sweat ran across her skin. Her lips were parted and her eyes were dilated. She searched within her mind and within her sight and came to the conclusion that it was all a dream.
It was a dream.
She was alone; she slept alone, she ate alone, she lived alone. Oh, and she was sick. She could feel the liquid between her legs. She could almost smell its strong scent. She could almost see how dark it was, how sticky, and how thick.
She could almost feel the physical pain breaking her small body and shattering it to pieces.
She could almost feel her soul getting pulled out of her and departing.
She gasped.
"Sara," she heard a voice. "Oh my God." The screaming was too loud. It's like she had lived this. She had been through this. Why was she destined to suffer with this pain? Why couldn't her soul just get out of there and let her be? "Sara, Sara." Her entire body was shaking. Her body was her enemy; it clung to her soul and chained it inside.
She was shaking fiercely.
"Wake up." She felt hot wetness on her cheeks. "You're dreaming."
She opened her eyes and, again, she gasped.
"Please tell me you're dreaming." There was Tegan above her. She blinked. "Please, Sara." She blinked again. "I can't...I can't..." the voice trembled and broke.
She was crying. Her tears were falling. Her sweat blanketed her.
"Tell me you're okay. Why are you crying?" Tegan asked.
"Please don't leave me, please." She couldn't make sense of what had happened. "Please, Tegan." Her sobs were loud. She couldn't control them. She wrapped her arms and legs around the student and returned to the same position.
"I didn't leave," Tegan said. "I just went to pee."
Tegan began to cry.
"I woke up and you weren't here." Sara sniffled. "I felt sick. I felt as if I was covered in blood. I felt like my soul was trying to get out of me. I felt like I was dying."
"I think you woke up and went back to sleep, thinking you're still up," Tegan said.
This time, Tegan was the one rubbing her back and kissing her sweaty forehead.
"Please don't leave me till I die. Please, don't."
"Please don't say that." Tegan cried more. Sara's chest felt tight but her power started to subside. "You won't die. You're healthy. Even if you aren't, even if you become sick again, I won't think of even leaving you."
"Even if you're not happy with me?" Sara asked. Her eyes started to grow heavy.
"I am happy with you," Tegan said. "Even if a time came and I stopped being happy, and I hardly believe it will happen, I will still be with you."
"Even if you're just a companion? Even if there's no love from you or me? Even just to push me around in my wheel chair and feed me with a spoon and read me a book because my eyesight doesn't work?"
Tegan wanted to laugh in the middle of her tears. She blinked and laughed loudly with her tears running. "Yes, even when you're an old granny without any teeth and with ugly glasses that I beg you to change but you insist they hold some sentimental value because whoever in some weird literary text wore them." She had never put a kid back to sleep, but there she was, trying to put Sara (the kid) back to sleep.
Sara laughed and cried and pushed her head too far into Tegan's chest that the younger woman began to feel the ache in her breasts but couldn't voice it because she wanted the fright that had been just awakened to die down and shut off.
She just went to the bathroom and Sara morphed into a child who woke up in the middle of the night without finding her mother on her side. That was not Sara the professor, it was not Sara the thirty-five year old woman, it was not Sara the wise, Sara the passionate woman, Sara the older lady, Sara the motherly figure, Sara the bossy girlfriend, or Sara the sensitive lover—that was Sara the kid; the helpless, powerless kid.
She loved Sara in all her forms and all her states. She loved Sara the kid.
She was mad at Sara until she woke up to go to the bathroom and relieve her bladder. Somehow, she couldn't be mad at her anymore. She was mostly disappointed, or, more appropriately, defeated. She had no choice; she felt as if she couldn't really force her opinion on Sara. Being with someone is so hard; you have to make some sacrifices. And she, Tegan, really did not know how to say no. It bothered her. It angered her. But she couldn't do it; she couldn't upset her very sensitive girlfriend...or fiance, or whatever they were.
Her hair was soft, and her skin was heated. Her heart was beating rapidly and her grip was tight. Sara was always a work of art. Tegan loved her. It was as simple as that—she loved her.
As soon as she woke up, she felt it. Her eyes opened widely. There was something strange. Very, very strange. She found Tegan smiling sweetly while brushing her stray damp hairs. But that was not the strange thing that was happening. She knew her face was flushed and her eyes were tired. She knew that the position they were in was one she longed for so much. She knew all that. But that was still not the strange thing. She took a breath and blinked.
Tegan kissed her soft lips. Tegan had forgiven her. Sara smiled, of course, and even more tightly, she hugged Tegan's frame. And she felt it there, seeping, swimming, mingling, touching Tegan's thighs. Her breath hitched for a second. She bit her lip. She looked down in order to get a clear view.
"It's not blood," Tegan whispered. "I actually woke up feeling my thighs wet and I had to check for myself; it's not blood."
Sara gasped and covered her lips. "Did I pee on you?" then she whispered so shyly and quietly. She couldn't believe herself.
"Pretty sure urine isn't that thick, babe." Tegan laughed. Then Sara felt a hand groping her there and a strong finger sliding inside her underwear. And then she felt the awesome burn on her clit and moaned way too loud. "Oh, yeah," Tegan said, rubbing the small button. "You're not only wet, you're drenched. You're actually dripping all over me." Tegan pecked her quickly.
Then Sara saw that finger glistening with her own juices. Tegan was about to put it in her mouth but Sara had already recognized the smell and yelled to stop Tegan from doing anything. She grabbed her hands and cried, "Don't."
"What?" Tegan furrowed her brows.
"No." Sara shook her head. "Uh...I don't taste...that well." Sara shifted away from her lover. "Nor smell that well. It's gotten very strong...to a point you'd just get dizzy and annoyed with the smell or the taste."
Tegan pursed her lips before sitting up. Sara's face was heated and her chest was crimson red and her body was sweaty and her hair was damp and sticky, covering her hot face. That was a very different Sara. Sara also was careful, scared, worried; not confident at all.
Tegan pushed the duvet away and grabbed her lover's knees. "What are you doing?" Sara said when Tegan began to part them.
"I want to touch you," Tegan said. "With my mouth."
"Tegan, baby," Sara started, "I really do not smell nor taste good. It's like...I can't even say it." The medication made her scent way stronger and sometimes unbearable. That was another part she hated, one of the many.
"You're being silly," Tegan said. She parted both legs and looked at the drenched underwear. She missed that so much; being with a woman, looking at woman's body, and eating a woman out. And not just any woman, but her true love, her only love, the love that destroyed and rebuilt her. "I have a very strong...umm...scent, too." Tegan chuckled.
"Not like that," Sara said.
"So you agree?" Tegan asked. One of the girls she slept with told her that. It made her self-conscious for awhile, but she got over it with time.
"Most people do," Sara said. "I love yours so much."
"Well, then I'm sure I'll love yours." She was starting to smell her. The smell of sex was slowly filling the room.
"No," Sara said in a very low octave. "Let me go wash at least." She was about to get up, but Tegan pressed her hand over her flushed chest.
"So you tasted yourself and you decided you taste bad, and because you smell like sex you decided it's a bad smell?" Tegan shook her head with laughter. "Just relax. Be the Sara I fell in love with and open your legs for me and push my face on your cunt."
Sara's breath almost stopped. She closed her eyes and a smile appeared, even though she resisted it. She spread her legs more, lowered her underwear and waited to be touched and ravished. It's been such a long time. She could cry at this moment.
She opened her eyes when she felt small pecks on her clit. She looked down and watched Tegan looking up at her with her beautiful, hazel orbs. She looked so young and still looked so innocent and still looked like the cute teenager she once dated. Sara reached for her hair and gathered it inside her fist. Tegan licked the small button while looking at her. A wicked smile began to appear the more Sara struggled with the feeling. Tegan bit gently and then licked again.
"Never thought I'd make love to you ever again," the student whispered against her lover's pussy. "I dreamed of this moment, Sara. I dreamed about it almost every night and if I didn't dream then I daydreamed and then I cried all night because it all felt like some strange dream." Sara saw the tear rolling down Tegan's left eye. "It's a miracle that I am allowed back in your life. You forgiving me and loving me is a miracle. I love you so much. You're the woman that changed my life and..." Tegan cried more. "And I...I don't know what to say. You're just my Sara. You're my teacher and life companion and I would love to be your wife and the mother of your children."
Sara's loud cries filled the room. If only her lover knew that she was the one who was touched by a strong miracle, she was the one thankful that Tegan took her back, she was the one lucky enough that someone as youthful, beautiful, and amazing as Tegan agreed to waste their life with her and fulfill her wishes. If only she could voice that. But she couldn't, because Tegan's tongue was doing wonders down there. She felt every broad stroke and every pull at her lips and every lick and then felt the hard sucks on her clit and heard their voices.
Sara pulled up her tank top and threw it away, grabbed her lover's hand and made her play with her nipples. Tegan was too careful and too gentle while circling the hard buds. She looked up at her professor every few second to see the tears still falling from inside her tightly-shut eyes.
She wanted her to come and relax and feel happy. "Don't hold back," she said. "I know it's been too long since you had this and you want to come so badly and so quickly so don't feel ashamed that you're not lasting. I don't want you to hold back. I want you to come as soon as you feel it and relax. I want you to enjoy the moment and focus on yourself and forget about me." Sara opened her eyes and gave a quick nod.
Tegan stiffened her tongue and parted Sara's pink lips and pushed inside. She tasted what Sara had talked about but it was not a bad taste at all. It was strong, indeed, but not bad. Tegan loved it and moaned the more it hit her tongue. The more she pushed, the louder Sara's moans arose, and the faster she rotated her clit.
Then Sara put her in a headlock when she came. She shook while her thighs squeezed Tegan's head in between and her hand pulled Tegan's hair. Tegan was smiling and kissing the beautiful clit and cleaning all the wet juices that Sara didn't believe she could produce.
Sara cupped her lover's face and pulled her up on top, wrapping her arms around her and switching their position. Hungrily, Sara smothered Tegan with passionate, intense kisses. Her doctor was right; it was a process that took time. She just had to stop focusing on the bad part and relax and let herself feel everything like before. Tegan was the only one who could get her wet and heated.
Sara was still crying, however. She was also declaring her love between every kiss. She wanted Tegan to hear it till she got sick of it. That's what they both wanted: a time to be alone and love each other properly. She wanted this day to be spent like this. She wanted to fix past mistakes.
"I'm so sorry," Sara cried. "I'm sorry about all this pain I've caused you. I'm sorry about running away, about lying to you, about arranging it with your mother. I'm sorry your mother had to lie to you because of me. I'm sorry I didn't trust you enough. I'm sorry I left you with no news. I'm sorry I didn't love you right the first time."
And Tegan, too, was crying. She wanted Sara to stop apologizing; she had nothing to be sorry for. In fact, Tegan, herself, felt sorry. "No, no." Tegan pushed Sara's face up and held it there to make the woman look at her. "Stop apologizing. It's okay, Sara. It's okay. I forgive you. You forgive me, though, right?"
"Of course. I've already done that since a long time ago," Sara said.
"I didn't mean to be a bitch last night," Tegan said when Sara lay down beside her. "Sometimes I feel jealous and sometimes I feel like I need more time to be around you that I just don't want to share you. You have the right to have friends and hang out with them. I don't wanna be that bitch. I am not that bitch."
"I understand your point, though," Sara said. "I know you want your privacy and I do want that, too, for the two of us. I am going to talk to Stacy about it. I don't want her to come between us. I'm going to be nice and ask her kindly."
"Thank you," Tegan whispered. "Is she alone here?"
"Yes," Sara said. "She's mostly alone everywhere. In Vancouver she had family, now only me."
"Us, maybe." Tegan looked at Sara with a smile. "I'm not an enemy. She annoys me, yes. I like to make fun of her in front of her, oh yesss. I also like to tease her and mock her, but she's not an enemy."
"Thank you." Sara smiled. More tears fell out of her eyes.
Tegan reached for her hand and squeezed it. "You didn't taste nor smell bad at all," she finally said. Sara's eyes focused on hers; shiny, brazen, and fiery. "It was a very strong taste, but it was so good. It reminded me of your description in the notebook...about me."
"Oh," Sara blushed. "Sometimes I'm weird."
"You're always weird," Tegan said. "And it's why I love you."
"Wow." Sara kept thanking whoever gave her a second chance to experience this endless desire. She didn't want it to go away. She was pleading for this happiness to stay. She was pleading for Tegan to stay. "So you want to marry me?" Sara asked.
"Yes. I'll be your wife even though I don't believe in marriage."
Sara giggled. "What about being the mother of my child?"
"That too," Tegan said. "Not right now, though."
"Of course not," Sara said. "You have to graduate and remove your wisdom teeth." Tegan laughed loudly. "Tegan?"
"Hmm,"
"Can I ask you about something quite personal?" Tegan looked at Sara. She gave her a nod. "When was your last pap test?"
"What's that?" Tegan asked, furrowing her brows.
"Smear test?" Sara asked in another form.
She wanted to have safe sex, the safest. She wanted Tegan to be free of any infections or possible STDs so it wouldn't hurt her. She had to make sure Tegan was fully healthy and free of any disease before they engaged in more sex. She was sensitive and anything small could affect her own health and she did not want that.
"I don't think I know what that is," Tegan answered.
"When was the last time you had a gyno test?"
"I've never had one," Tegan said. "I never needed one."
"What?" Sara yelled. "You're 21 and sexually active and never examined your parts?"
"Why would I?" Tegan asked. "Everything works fine."
Sara sat up with wide eyes. "Oh my God," she said. "Are you kidding?" Her heart started drumming beneath her chest. "I'm speechless, Tegan."
"Why are you making me feel like I'm gonna die?" Her lips pouted. She was startled with Sara's panicked reaction.
"No, no." Sara gave her a sorry smile. "I'm just shocked," she whispered. "Babe, look at me." She lay down again on her side, facing Tegan. "Every sexually active woman above eighteen should get an exam every year. For me, I have to get all these tests every month even though I removed my cervix. And I have to sleep with completely healthy people without any infections or STDs for my own health."
"So you're saying I might have an STD?"
"Of course not." Sara laughed. "I'm actually more worried about your health now that I know you haven't gotten any test at all. You slept with a man for about a year and slept with many women; you know how dangerous can that be?"
"I was mostly protected with Jeremy," Tegan said. "And with the girls, we never shared toys at all. It was mostly oral sex or fingering."
Sara sighed. "Dr. Wilson never asked about that?"
"She gives these tests?" Tegan asked.
"She can," Sara answered. "But I do all of these at my gynecologist. You know, a specialist in these stuff because of my situation. But if you want Dr. Wilson then we'll go there."
"We?" Tegan hated where this was going. She despised doctors and exams and all of these silly things. "What are you talking about?"
"You're going to get a pap test and an entire vaginal exam when we go for our checkups. I can't be fully sure I'm safe until I make sure you are."
No. No. No. "But..." Tegan frowned. "I don't want a doctor to touch me there." Sara noticed that she was genuinely scared. Tegan was a kid; she was still the kid she met and loved and took care of. Despite all the changes in her personality, Tegan was still an unsure, shy kid.
"It won't hurt," Sara said. "I'll be there." She held her hand. "I'll hold your hand like that. You're not a kid, baby. You're a grown woman," Sara said, contradicting her thoughts. "I'm pretty sure if your mum knew you hadn't done these tests she'd freak out."
"Can't, like, my mum do these tests for me?"
Sara laughed loudly. "You'd actually prefer your mum touching you there but not a stranger?"
"Eww, no, of course not." Tegan sighed. "I'm embarrassed. It's gonna be embarrassing."
"Hey," Sara said cheerily, "look at your girlfriend here, she does this each month. Almost every doctor here had seen her vagina." Sara pointed at herself and then winked.
"Vaginas are stupid," Tegan said angrily. "Why can't they function normally like arms?" Sara laughed more.
"You're a lesbian, right?" Sara asked all of a sudden. The question popped inside her head. A year with a man seemed like a very long time.
"Yes," Tegan said. "Jeremy was just...a getaway. He loved me, I took what I could get."
"Yeah, but, like...the sex. You guys had sex." She didn't know why her heart shot millions of pangs inside her chest when the thought became alive after her verbalizing it. "Was he good? Did he make you orgasm often?"
"I have to be very honest with you," Tegan said. Sara used her elbow for support as she scanned her lover's entire body resting on the mattress. "The sex was very good. To be honest, better than all these women I slept with in that period. He always made me come. I mean, I never faked it at all." It was funny how her upper thighs were still damp. Her nipples were poking from underneath her t-shirt. Her hair was shaggy and her fringe was sticking to her brow. "But I couldn't love him. Not for a second."
"Was he better than me?" Sara asked. Her thin fingers traced the lines of Tegan's tattoo.
"Nobody's better than you and I'm saying this with utter honesty, Sara." Her lover looked serious; her eyes fixed, brazen, like two fiery globes full of honest devotion. Sara kissed her pouty lips and thanked her with the quietest of sounds. She thanked her for her honestly.
Tegan moaned when she felt a sharp squeeze on her right nipple. She bit her lip and touched Sara's hand. Sara understood her silent plea and apologized. Sara's need still managed to take over her thoughts like all the old times just two years before. Tegan's clothes departed her body quickly. Soft kisses hugged her cold skin from her face till her feet. Sara's lips moved gently and smoothly above her skin; they kissed the beautiful ruddy face, the beautiful lips, the supple neck, the small breasts, the taut stomach, and then they went down pecking the patch of barely visible dark hair, ignoring the pulsing clit and descending to the thighs. Sara kissed the entire length of both legs and held her feet while she kissed her ankles.
"You have very nice feet. So cute, and small," Sara said.
Tegan guffawed loudly. She moved her right foot and pressed it against Sara's shoulder, pushing slightly. "Somebody has a foot fetish." Tegan winked. "You have so many different fetishes that I keep discovering. Mom-daughter fetish, spanking fetish, foot fetish, eating food off sexual parts fetish, and probably something that you still hide. What is it?" Tegan pushed Sara's shoulder as the older woman laughed and laughed without stopping. "What is it? Tell Teetee." Tegan laughed at her own self. "I can't believe I called myself that."
"I have a Teetee fetish, if you must know." Sara winked. She got up and left the bed. She stood in front of Tegan's innocent eyes and stretched. Tegan snorted and Sara laughed in return.
Tegan studied her professor's naked form carefully. She was the bigger one now, unlike two years before. Her thighs were quite full and lovely. When Tegan's head was between them, she felt safe and she felt deep, deep love filling her entire body.
Tegan parted her legs for Sara to understand her need. Sara got the message and smirked in return. She stood in front of the dresser and opened the drawer she wanted. Tegan's eyes anticipated and waited to find out what Sara was smiling mischievously at. Her own smile began to appear on her face watching Sara like that.
Sara held up the vibrator she found in Tegan's suitcase with her famous, charming smirk adorning her entire face. She walked back to her student and sat between her widely opened legs.
"Oh, God." Tegan covered her face with loud laughter escaping her lips. "I haven't used it in so long."
"When was the last time you used it?" Sara kept the few sex toys they shared together and they were still stashed in a box placed in her closet. They were barely used and even though she doubted using them again when she was approaching death, she still couldn't throw them away. She didn't want to use anything on Tegan until she made sure Tegan was clean of any trace of an infection or STD.
"I don't remember. Eight months ago, I guess," Tegan said. "I never used it on anybody or with anybody so you don't have to worry about that. I purchased it for personal use."
Sara looked at Tegan's vulva. She touched the dark pink lips and pushed her finger in the slit. The wetness was increasing the more she teased with her finger. She looked up at Tegan; her eyes were closed. Then she looked at the gorgeous small petals spread in hungry need. She switched on the vibrator and placed it on Tegan's clit. Her lover moaned softly. She pushed two fingers inside and quickly thrust. The moans did not become loud the way they once were. She missed those, but she was not going to comment on that.
Sara did that for awhile, and Tegan did last for awhile, unlike herself. Her wrists began to cramp so she pushed the vibrator in Tegan's wet hole and placed her mouth on the clit, pulling with her lips and flicking the button with her tongue.
"Sara?"
"Yes, love?" Sara looked up at her student.
"Come up here and kiss me."
Sara did that. Tegan smiled through the rushed kisses and the heavy pants. Her hand found the still thick wetness between the older woman's thighs. She wanted to do the same and make her come once again. She knew she was taking too long, but she did not want to tell Sara why. She wanted it rougher and faster, but she didn't want Sara to feel self-conscious about her actions. Sara was making sweet and soft love and she respected that and wanted that despite what her sexual organs craved.
Sara's moan was loud and high-pitched, almost like a short scream. She paused their mouth action and said, "Tegan, the surgery I've done was vaginal." She felt stupid saying that while her hand was pushing the toy in and out of Tegan.
"No penetration at all?" Tegan asked.
"Great God, no." Sara laughed nervously. "No, it's just that umm...they kinda shortened...umm...the vagina...so now I just seem tighter...and...and it's not the same." Sara's hand stopped. "And sometimes I bleed...rare times. It's just..."
"Stop explaining," Tegan whispered before kissing Sara once again and shoving her tongue back inside Sara's mouth to distract her from her worries.
Sara felt a careful finger that was not her own going in, feeling and searching with soft tenderness. She moaned into the kiss and quickened her thrusts. Tegan moaned along with her.
Tegan began to push carefully. She did her own google search about Sara's case and did not want to hurt or embarrass the older woman. She wanted everything to work smoothly and everything to be done carefully in its own time so Sara's confidence could restore itself bit by bit. She wanted to be a booster to that confidence indirectly, without letting Sara know that.
They pulled away and looked into each other's eyes. Sara came quickly once again and Tegan followed her right after. Tegan's eyes closed and her toes curled when a small squeal left her lips. Sara kissed these pouty lips and then kissed Tegan's forehead when the student opened her eyes.
When she threw her head on the pillow again, she smiled to herself. The stupid things she over-worried about were out of her system. Tegan did not hate the way she felt or smelled or the sex she offered. It seemed to her that she was worrying about silly matters; stuff she worried about when she was about to have sex with a boy for the first time. She was seventeen and she was frightened. She did make out with boys, go on dates, and sometimes even move to third base, but she did never sleep with one until she was seventeen. Her stomach hurt too much that night. She worried the condom would break and she'd end up like her mother. She did not love that boy at that time but she liked his personality and he made her laugh and he was a good person. Stacy pushed her to sleep with him. It was a strange feeling; she did not like it. He made her top him and it was her first time with a guy. She felt awkward and dirty. What she did with Stacy did not count because she still felt like a little girl; a teenager. But with that boy, she felt like a slut. When she fell on the mattress, she squeezed her eyes shut and locked her tears in. She was confused at that time. Trying to find who she was and what was her sexual identity made everything seem harder. She was very lucky the boy was a gentleman; he asked her if she was okay and he apologized for making her uncomfortable. The second time they had sex was in the morning when they woke up. That time was much better because she did not have to do most of the work. They were in a school camp, and that's the only reason she spent a night with a boy in his cabin. Her parents never allowed her to sleep over at Stacy's after they caught them together that one time. If Stacy slept over, the door was always opened. Her dad was always walking past her room and taking a peek at what they were doing. Clothes were to be changed in the bathroom and Sara was to sleep on the floor while her friend on the bed.
Sara heard Tegan yawn. She looked over and the student's eyes were about to shut down. Sara's phone started ringing right before she could speak. Sara sighed and Tegan opened her eyes again. The professor reached for her phone and sighed again when she looked at the caller's ID.
Tegan chuckled, knowing who it was.
"Morning," Sara said lazily.
"It's 1.00 PM," Stacy attacked.
"It's the weekend," Sara argued. She put her phone on speaker and pushed her face in Tegan's chest.
"You're so lazy. Did you just wake up? Did I wake you up?"
"Mmmm."
Tegan was about to laugh. She woke up two hours before Sara and stayed in bed staring at her. Eventually, she lost hope in Sara waking up anytime soon so she went to the bathroom to pee and brush her teeth. When she left the bathroom, she felt cold and sleepy again, so she went to bed. Sara woke up only five minutes after.
"Oh, I'm sorry." Tegan heard lots of noises in the background. She assumed it's the television. "So what are you gonna do today?"
"I was thinking of having a quiet day with Tegan," Sara said.
"Oh." Tegan heard the noise of something falling. "I was thinking...what did you do?" Stacy's sentence was cut off by another one; loud, angry, and hurt.
"Maybe you should...umm...take care of whatever is happening and then..."
"No, no," Stacy said. "Ella's trying to cook. She said..."
"And then we'll talk later?" Sara insisted on interrupting. The last sentence was sharp and it was louder than Stacy's voice.
"Oh, alright." Tegan heard more noises. "I was just...I thought maybe, you know, I'd cook for you and Tegan and you'd come over for dinner?"
No. No. No.
"Ohhh," Sara said. "I'm so sorry, Stace." No. No. No. "Tegan and I already made plans together. I mean, you know, we're trying to figure everything out and all. Can it be another day? Maybe even tomorrow?"
Yes. Yes. Yes. Tegan smiled, kissing Sara's shoulder.
"Oh, yes. Of course. I'm stupid. I didn't think of it. Of course, of course." More sounds; loud sounds. "Okay. I'll let you go. We'll talk later...I guess." Stacy did not wait for the goodbye. She hung up after her words.
"Well, that was awkward," Tegan said. "Thanks, babe." Tegan kissed Sara's shoulder again.
Sara felt bitchy and annoyed with herself. "I just really hope that's Ella throwing stuff and not her." Tegan didn't say anything. "She has a habit of breaking her things when she's angry."
"She's so weird." Tegan yawned again. "Let's sleep again. My tummy hurts and I feel tired."
She had never said no to Stacy. Maybe she had, but she couldn't recall those times. And she just did that and it felt strange to her. She looked at Tegan and shivered all of a sudden. I'm sorry, she felt like saying. Is that how I make you feel? The way she made me feel? She had never said no to Stacy and she just did and she felt...as if she's someone else.
"I think we should get up." She decided to shake the thoughts away. Tegan's face looked pale and her eyes swollen. "We should eat," Sara said. "Well, I have to shower first because I probably stink."
"You don't," Tegan whispered. "I don't feel good."
Sara touched her lover's forehead. She was not hot, nor cold; she was alright. She looked at her face and tried to inspect. She found nothing. "What do you feel?"
"Like someone has drained me."
Sara laughed. She couldn't help not to.
"I exhausted you?" Sara asked. The younger woman nodded. "Well, I'll go shower and I'll leave the door opened in case you want anything. I won't take long. I'll get out and I'll make you something to eat." She kissed the younger woman and left to the bathroom.
Tegan closed her eyes as the pounding in her head increased. She tried to focus on her breathing but it kept getting shorter. She heard the water running in the bathroom and it made her remember that her bladder was begging for her to relieve it.
Despite feeling sick, she managed to get up. She smelled like sweat and it displeased her. She dragged herself to the bathroom and sat on the toilet.
"Tegan?" Sara asked from behind the curtain. Tegan hummed. "Are you alright?"
Her worry began to ascend when Tegan did not answer. She turned off the faucet after rinsing the shampoo off her hair and left the tub. Tegan was naked, ready to take her place. She stopped the student and looked into her eyes.
"I wanna take a a quick shower," Tegan said lazily.
"Okay," Sara said. "I'm still here. Blow-drying my hair." Tegan nodded.
Sara kept looking at the tub while blow-drying her chestnut locks. Maybe her friend was right; her lover was too weak to carry her own self, let alone a child inside. Sara wanted it so badly, though. She just wanted Tegan to graduate. She wanted to start the process. She wanted to hold her child in her arms.
When Tegan walked out, shivering, with a towel wrapped around her, Sara aimed the blow dryer at her, making her shriek.
"Oh, shit, shit," Sara said, laughing loudly. "Did I scare you?" Tegan had a hand clutching the towel and one on the left side of her chest. Her eyes were wide and fear masked her entire face. "Oh my God." Sara gasped, covering her mouth. Her laughter was still there but she felt guilty for scaring her girlfriend. "I'm so sorry, baby."
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Tears began to well up in the younger woman's eyes. "I'm telling you I'm tired and exhausted and you just scare me like that? That could have killed me." Sara's internal self was shaking with laughter. She loved how over-dramatic Tegan could get. She took her in a hug and kissed her, saying she's sorry a couple of times. But then she thought of Tegan's words again and worry found itself back inside her system.
Tegan was lightheaded and dizzy and did not want to talk much so Sara took her to the kitchen and began cooking whatever she found in her cabinet and fridge. She could make a special omelet in a mug for Tegan, or she could make her a grilled cheese sandwich until she decided what they would have for dinner. Even though they had takeout the previous day, she thought of making Tegan try her favourite vegan restaurant. They could order and watch a film together, or just talk. Most importantly, they would spend the day together by themselves and that's what she was looking forward to.
"I learned this new technique to convince Ella to eat her omelet and it's really yummy so I made both you and I the best and most delicious omelet in a cup and after that I'll have some treat for you."
Tegan ignored Sara's words, pushed back the slight irritation she felt having to be compared to a four year old again and hurried devouring what was placed in front of her. She looked up at Sara blowing at her fork and then realized she had just burnt her tongue. But she did not care about that as well. "How do they do a pap test exactly?" she asked.
"That's what's worrying you?" Sara said with a mouth full of food. "Oh, baby."
"It's making me anxious, I admit. But, umm, I think I have a very low blood pressure right now."
"Just relax, Tegan." Sara touched her hand and squeezed it. "Maybe I shouldn't have given you coffee and given you juice instead."
"No, please." Tegan gripped her coffee cup as if it was going to be taken away from her.
"Love, look at me!" Tegan was looking at her food, but once ordered, her gaze focused on her professor's. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable or feel awkward or embarrassed, but it's kind of weird that you're anxious about that. I mean, you're a grown woman and you've had sex with many people. Why the overthinking?"
"It's different," Tegan said first. "In sex, you can, like, you know, do it with the lights off and not show them what's really there but with doctors, they will look there because that's what they do." Sara laughed. "Don't laugh."
"The first time I had to get an exam I was sixteen and my mother dragged me there after she caught me with Stacy because she believed I was a whore and probably had many infections and diseases."
"And it's how you think of me right now."
"What?" Sara shouted. "No," she said angrily. "Tegan, this could risk my health. And you, as a sexually active woman, need to be careful too. You're healthy? Fine. But that's what I thought when I did not want to go to the doctor years ago."
"Chill, Jeez." Tegan rolled her eyes. She didn't know whether Sara was actually concerned about her health or she only cared about knowing she had no diseases for her own sake. It didn't matter, because her head hurt so bad to think of it. She left the kitchen with her unfinished food and went to the living room. She lay down on the sofa and closed her eyes.
She took a nap and woke up finding the place neat and clean. She rubbed her eyes and yawned. She felt much better. Maybe it was lack of sleep that made her moody and tired in the morning. She wondered what was the time before noticing it was a little after four in the afternoon when she looked at the clock in the living room.
She yawned again and rubbed her eyes again. When she opened them, Sara was standing behind the sofa, staring down at her with a lovely smile. She smiled too. Sara had a plate in her hand and Tegan knew that it was for her. She sat up when Sara walked up to her. She placed the plate on the coffee table and next to it placed a glass full of ice cubes. Tegan's eyes widened in excitement when she saw the ice. One small problem, she noticed the cubes had things in them; different colours and different stuff. She furrowed her brows as she looked inside; orange, pink, red. She looked at smiling Sara when the woman sat next to her.
"I heard that it will taste yummy to put fruits and even flowers in the ice. I did not put flowers this time but you can see small pieces of peaches, mangoes, strawberries, and raspberries in there. And since you never remember to eat fruits and always chew ice, I was like what the heck, let's try it."
"I hope it won't taste horrible. I really don't think the fruits will taste that good staying too long in there. I tried grapes once, it tasted like raisins the next day."
"Oh," Sara said. She thought she had come up with something new and Tegan did not know about it, but apparently she did not.
"But I never tried my four favourite fruits in ice," Tegan said again. Tegan also noticed some weird sauce in a small red bowl placed in the middle of the plate. Around the bowl, there were slices of green apple forming the shape of a flower. "I don't like apples, though."
"I know," Sara said. "That's why I made you a cheesecake dip." It was simple; just a bar of cream cheese mashed very well with caramel syrup. Sara reached for one piece, plunged it in the creamy dip and placed it against Tegan's pouty lips. Tegan opened up, taking a small bite. Her charming gummy smile quickly appeared on her face as her cheeks turned red when she tasted the sweetness on her tongue. Sara smiled too because it made her too happy to see her lover liking what she had made.
Tegan then grabbed one ice cube and put it in her mouth. She sucked on it for awhile and then started crunching. The sound amused her and the feeling of coldness on her tongue made her feel refreshed. When the small fruit touched her tongue, cold and frozen, she tasted another wave of coldness that she liked too much. Maybe she should have tried it with a raspberry since ever. She didn't like grapes that much anyway.
Sara was feeding her one bite after the other. She didn't really mind, but she asked, "So when we have a baby you're going to feed me while I feed the baby? That would look funny."
Sara's heart leapt hearing this sentence. She felt as if she fell from the highest building and hopped on the fluffiest cloud ever. She felt deep warmth spreading through her body and caging her flesh. "Tegan, oh my God," she said. "You're actually thinking about that? That makes me so happy." Her tears began to fall and she didn't know why. She was so excited that the idea did not come out of Tegan's lips in a repulsive manner.
"Whoa," Tegan said. "Why are you crying? Of course I'm going to think about it. I'm already thinking about the fact I'm gonna have to push a baby out of me. Like, that's pretty scary."
Sara kissed her caramel-tasting lips all of a sudden. She stroked her soft cheeks after pulling away, looking into the hazel pool of her eyes. "You make me so happy," Sara whispered. "But I don't think I can allow myself getting you pregnant with your health like that."
"What's wrong with my health?" Tegan asked.
"It's not the best right now and it might put you in danger if we try to conceive. I have to make sure your body is one hundred percent capable of dealing with another human inside to give you that. Your health is more important, Tegan. I know I don't say that and I seem selfish and want everything happening too quickly but I promise you that I care about your needs and wants as well. Your consent is more important to me." Sara felt as if she hadn't said that enough. The argument this morning made her rethink her words and actions. She didn't want to force Tegan to do things she's not comfortable with. She didn't want to be that person in the relationship. Her girlfriend had every right to be hesitant, scared, shy, and anxious about everything that was happening. Tegan was still so young and she was pushing her beyond her limits without realizing it. She just wanted to make sure that Tegan didn't feel too forced to do anything that didn't please her.
"We're not gonna get pregnant right now. I'm still in school. I think with this food you keep feeding me I'll be healthier than everyone in no time." Tegan smiled sweetly. "And thank you," she said. "Sometimes I just feel uncomfortable and shy. I'm not used to all of this. I don't know what a pap test is and it doesn't sound right to my naive Tegan ears."
Sara laughed too loudly. Her lover had her own humorous moments and she loved them.
"Okay. Look, basically you're going to wear the gown they give you after taking all your clothes off..."
"Okay, why all my clothes off?" Tegan asked.
"The doctor will check your heart, lungs, blood pressure, and breasts. You know, the usual exam."
"My breasts?" Tegan asked. "I'm just twenty-one."
Sara sighed. "Yes, I know. But cancer knows no age, Tegan." And Tegan huffed angrily. "I'll show you how to self-examine, alright?" Tegan was glaring at her lover. "The doctor then will place your feet in the stirrups...you know them?" Tegan nodded, still glaring. "And, well, she's going to examine the outer parts and then the inner parts and take some cells from your cervix to test them and that's a pap test. She'll also examine your womb and ovaries."
"Whoa, stop," Tegan said. "She's gonna reach that deep down and touch my cervix? That would hurt." Tegan was acting like a child; like someone who was not educated about these matters. And, to Sara, it was funny that she wasn't despite her mother's profession.
"It's not gonna hurt. I swear. Not at all," Sara promised. "I'll be there and I'll do most of these steps too and I'll do them before you so you can see." Tegan put another ice cube in her mouth while nodding uncomfortably. "My gynecologist is a very nice woman. She won't make you feel uncomfortable at all."
"Not Dr. Wilson?" Tegan asked.
"You want her?"
"No," Tegan shouted.
"I thought so," Sara said.
"Okay," Tegan jumped in. "I have a request as well."
"Spell it."
"I want you to come with me to my next therapy session," Tegan said. "Please."
"I would love to," Sara said. She wanted to do that but did not have the courage to ask. Tegan seemed surprised. Sara actually wanted to know how Tegan was dealing with her struggles and emotions and depression. She wanted to understand her lover more and wanted her lover to understand her. She wanted to share and listen. She wanted them to do everything as a couple; even the slightest things like going to the doctor, house-hunting, or shopping for clothes. She couldn't wait for the time she'd be able to go to the mall and try clothes in front of Tegan. She couldn't wait for the time she'd take Tegan on a small date to get something cold or hot to drink or just walk around the town.
"Okay, that's good." Tegan nodded. "One other question," she said.
"Ask."
"Do you get these nightmares often?" Tegan bit her lower lip. Sara watched the action carefully. Sara frowned, not because Tegan asked that, but because of her behavior in the middle of the night. She knew she scared Tegan, but she couldn't help it. "I won't judge you. Tell me." Tegan lay her head on Sara's lap. Sara didn't know if it was a gesture done purposely or not, but it sure did send more comfort and confidence. "I'll tell you about this stupid nightmare I kept having."
"I sometimes do get similar dreams. Last night, however, was the worst. I mean, it's like I woke up and you weren't there and I realized I'm still sick and bleeding to death. It just felt real."
"Can I tell you something that might embarrass you?" Tegan asked.
"Go ahead."
"You were actually very wet and you thought it's blood. I didn't wanna tell you even though I knew it before even going to the bathroom." Sara knew her ears were as a red, raging fire, but she did not care. "Like I told you, you woke up and half went back to sleep but your other half was still awake. It's like your unconscious messed with your conscious so you produced this dream. It happened to me a couple of times."
"Oh, wow." Sara chuckled.
"I just really want you to be sure that even if you kicked me out, I'll be like a faithful dog, clinging to the foot of your bed without accepting to leave. I'll never repeat these mistakes."
"I love you," Sara whispered.
Tegan said it back.
Then Tegan told her about the nightmare of that murky street with the white lights and the car driving on its own. She told her about how it started to change and form and how much it bothered her. They talked till their stomachs growled for a proper meal. Sara did order what she planned to order previously and Tegan chose a film for them to watch. They spent a normal lazy Saturday the way they both were daydreaming of while they were apart.