Trigger warning: domestic violence and abuse.
Tegan gasped as she gazed at the plastic object. In a way, it looked like some weird type of scissors to her, but it also looked like something one would use in the kitchen—it looked like something that should never to be used on her vulva. She tensed up; her muscles clenched. Sara put a hand over her right knee, even though Dr. Anderson's elbow was already placed on her thigh, restricting any unnecessary movement. Tegan was barely able to put up with the general examination of the entire area, and now there was this thing that had to go inside of her and it did not only scare her, but it made her face grow crimson red. Did the doctor know she was slightly wet? She didn't want it to happen, but it fucking did against her will and she felt ashamed and disgusted with herself. She hated that she was the first to get examined, even though Sara had promised she'd get it done before her.
"Tegan, it's not gonna hurt. I promise you," Sara uttered. She stood there beside the doctor, looking between Tegan's spread legs.
"This is a speculum, Tegan. You might feel some pressure, but you have to tell me so I can adjust it better for you. You shouldn't feel any type of pain, however," the doctor said.
"Yes, babe. She just wants to see your cervix."
"I don't want you to see my cervix. Can you not stand there?" Tegan said. She had already had a bad day, and it was only getting more stressful each second.
"Sara, step aside please," the doctor ordered. She was still a little bit shocked that it had actually worked out with Sara and her very young lover. She thought Sara was a fool, running for a new heartbreak, but of course she couldn't tell the woman that. She wanted her health to get better, not to deteriorate.
Sara stepped beside her lover. She took her small pale hand and squeezed. She gave the restless woman a warm smile to distract her from the doctor's action. Tegan couldn't be distracted; she felt the pressure the doctor mentioned, but it was very mild that she did not feel the need to voice her discomfort, even after she was asked twice if there was any. For her, the questions about her bodily functions and sex life before the examination were much more awkward than what was happening now. Maybe because Sara was there and her hand had a calming effect, or it could be the fact that the fright was gone now that she was there and she was not criticized for her answers or her body or anything else.
After Tegan's examination was over, she felt relieved. It was kind of the same feeling of having been done with a presentation in front of a big class...minus the nudity. She stood in the same place Sara stood moments ago and decided she's not going to stand beside the doctor and invade Sara's personal space.
Tegan jumped when Sara let out a loud sound indicating pain. When it happened again, she frowned. Sara's brows were wrinkled and her lip was bitten. The doctor kept mouthing "it's okay" every time Sara gasped or groaned. Was it normal to feel that much pain?
Tegan left her place and tried to look between Sara's legs. The doctor had two fingers inside with a hand on Sara's abdomen; she was done with the Pap smear.
"Is it normal to hurt?" Tegan asked. Her heart was breaking. She wanted to cry.
"Yes," the doctor replied. "Can you please return to your place?" Dr. Anderson did not want to be rude, but she disliked it when her patients did not follow her orders.
"It's okay," Sara said. "I don't mind her seeing." Sara, in fact, wanted her to see. She wanted her to see how much pain she was experiencing and how hard it was to be alive with organs pulled out of her, yet she had to act like she's functioning as normally as every other woman. She had to walk like them and act as if she was exactly like them. Nobody knew that she was missing parts that were very important to her as a woman; to her femininity; to her motherhood. But Tegan should know, because Tegan was going to live with her and not all days were as colorful as the first few days.
Tegan was shocked when they tried having sex for the second time and she was met with nothing but acute dryness. It had been one of the most embarrassing moments for Sara. When Tegan lifted up her two fingers with the tips coated with a red, viscous substance, Sara's tears welled up in her eyes. Even though her young lover was very supportive and did not show any type of disgust or discomfort, Sara still felt uneasy and restless. She apologized to Tegan, who kept telling her that it was honestly alright.
"It's just blood," Tegan said.
"You hate blood," Sara said.
"Not yours." Tegan smiled and hugged the frowning woman from the side. They were lying on the mattress after Sara had taken her shower. "We're like...parts of each other, Sara. I do not feel disgusted by you. I told you I'll always be here...even if you bled on my face."
"No," Sara whined. She covered her face with the pillow. "I'm embarrassed. You had to clean the mess I made." She was only embarrassed around Tegan, not around Stacy or anybody else who had to witness that.
"Let me tell you a little story that's ten times more embarrassing."
Sara, like a little kid, looked at Tegan from the corner of her hazel eye. Half of her face was still buried in the pillow.
"When I had my car accident, I immediately started bleeding. I was very shocked because I bled too much but there was no pain or anything. People were gathering and one man thought I...miscarried. I was not sleeping with Jeremy back then so that was ridiculous. But I was so embarrassed that I told him yes, that's what had happened." Sara was not laughing; she was shocked, her eyes wide and her expression deadpan. "That was very embarrassing for me. I didn't know what to do. And there were people who thought I was dying or someone inside of me dying and I couldn't say anything."
"Tegan," Sara said with a high tone, "how can you not tell me about this?"
"It's okay, Sara. It was out of severe shock. That's what my mum said."
"You didn't get checked up?"
"No."
"Babe, you were hurt. How can you not not get an exam or something?"
"No, I was not. I mean, I was...mentally. It was just a rough time."
"I am so sorry."
"I just want you to feel better, Sara. I don't want you to apologize for something you haven't done." Even though Sara nodded, she still did not feel okay with herself.
Sara's examination took longer than Tegan's. Sara's examination also took longer at Dr. Wilson's. Tegan felt like her soon-to-be wife was functioning as a robot. Every little detail in her body was monitored and watched. It was exhausting.
"Alright, Tegan first," said Dr. Anderson as she sat in her office. Sara and Tegan joined her after having changed back into their clothes. They sat on two chairs opposite from each other. "I believe you're overall healthy. I'll get the results of the Pap smear tomorrow and will call Sara to inform her if there are any abnormalities." Tegan knotted her eyebrows in confusion. Why wouldn't she be the one called? Sara was not her guardian.
"Why don't you call her?" Sara had sensed it. She looked at her lover, reading her facial expressions.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I just thought since I usually call you, and have tested you, too, I'd inform you about her since you're living together now." It was still hard for her to digest the fact someone as young as her daughter was dating a woman as old as Sara. She knew Sara's pain and knew she was a good woman. She knew how sensitive she was, but if Tegan was her daughter, she would be upset. Very upset.
"It's alright," Tegan said calmly. "I don't mind it." She didn't, not after Sara had recognized her individuality by asking. "So I'm pretty much okay?" She wanted to prove to Sara that she was healthy, not carrying any type of disease.
"Yes," said Dr. Anderson, "however, I do suggest you cut the antidepressants if you want to conceive within the next six months. First of all, even if you can't feel it, you do not have a high sex drive as a woman your age. Fertilization might get complicated for you." That was ridiculous; she felt horny 24/7. "Second of all, I believe it is the cause of your weight loss, which is the cause of your severe anemia as it is mentioned here." That was what Dr. Wilson had summed up in the earlier examination. Tegan was told it was better to stop these pills. But what if she was back at stage zero? Could she be? Sara was here and with her she was not depressed. "A pregnant woman with severe anemia is never a great mixture. You don't want to hurt yourself or a child inside of you, Tegan." Tegan shivered when she heard that sentence. It felt...peculiar. Yes, that's the word. It just did not fit. Not in her head, at least.
Sara was overthinking even more than she had been doing the past few days. She did not want to risk Tegan's health. She did not want Tegan to feel sad. She also did not want Tegan to be anemic. But she badly wanted to have a child.
"Okay, Sara," the doctor said. "Everything seems fine. Same old, same old. Continue with the medication, please. Continue with your diet." Sara only nodded. She did not want to say anything else.
Usually, she would say so many things and ask many questions, but with Tegan around, she felt that it would scare the student if she voiced her concerns. She had already revealed plenty of information at the beginning. She told Dr. Anderson about how wet she had gotten and about the sex. She also told her about the second time. The doctor did not give answers. "It's very normal," the doctor said. It frustrated Sara that everything was very normal, even though it was not even close to normal for healthy women.
"Can you drive, Tegan? I'm in so much pain." Sara put her head on the steering wheel, squeezing her eyes shut as another wave of pain hit her lower half.
Tegan looked at her for a second then said, "I can't." Sara looked at her student, a tear rolled down her eyes. "I'm so sorry. I can't drive after what happened. I tried; I couldn't. I got kinda traumatized." Tegan started to cry, too. She felt helpless for the first time since the past week she had spent with Sara.
Sara sat up, wiping her tears. "Tegan, what exactly happened? I feel like you're not telling me something."
"Nothing, I swear." Tegan's sobs became louder. She hated seeing Sara in pain. "I did not get hurt. My dad's car did, but not me. I only broke my arm and had some cuts...and the bleeding." Tegan looked at Sara's jeans. "Oh, are you bleeding?" Sara shook her head. "Why did it hurt so much?"
"The bimanual examination always hurts. I am basically dry; of course it's gonna hurt." Sara chuckled.
"You have to be wet in order to be examined?" Tegan asked, wanting an answer to relieve her from her embarrassment.
Sara only laughed. It was cute; the way her tears were running with her laughter getting louder.
"That sounded stupid," Tegan whispered.
"No," Sara said. "You just reminded me of myself." Sara was silent for a moment. "I know how annoying can this thing be, and how uncomfortable it is. I know how you feel. I'm really sorry I made you go through it, but I had to, Tegan."
"It's alright."
"I'm better now. The pain goes away after a few minutes." Sara's foot stepped on the brake as she put the key of her car in its place.
It was a long day and it was only the afternoon. Tegan sighed in her seat as she fastened the car belt. Sara started driving to their next stop. Tegan was getting hungry.
Sara was driving them to Tegan's therapist. She hoped the session would go fine. She had stopped visiting her therapist just a few months ago. She wished that Tegan would stop, too, but she did not want to force it to happen.
Tegan was messing with the car radio again, switching from one channel to the other. It annoyed Sara because she couldn't concentrate on the road. Maybe Tegan had been doing that when she had her accident. It seemed pretty serious, despite the fact that Tegan was making it seem as if it was okay. Bleeding out of shock? That's a thing she had never heard of. Sara made a mental note to Google-search that. Tegan was one of those people who never took care of their health. Sara had figured that out on her own two years before. But now that they were together, Sara made it her priority to watch Tegan's health and force her to visit doctors when it was necessary.
Sara had to find a way to make Tegan conquer her driving fear and get back behind the wheels again. Tegan had to drive because Sara couldn't drive her around all the time, especially if they were going to have a child. Sara grinned at the thought.
"Are you smiling to yourself?" Tegan asked.
Sara blushed. That used to happen in middle school. She would daydream in class, while the teacher explained math, and smile. Stacy and Audrey would make fun of her later.
"God knows what you're thinking."
Sara was happy the atmosphere was lighter than an hour before.
However, when both Tegan and Sara sat on the black leather couch in front of the old woman in her very hot room, the heaviness of her sharp stares drowned the two of them. Judgment was apparent and Sara sensed it. She hated the woman from the first glance.
"So what I'm getting is that you want to get married to her," Dr. West said, "even though three months ago you said that you're against the marriage institution; you don't ever want to have children; and if she ever returned, you'd never even think of getting back to her."
Sara looked at her student with questioning eyes. She knew Tegan was against marriage, but she was not aware she was strongly against having a child.
"I did," Tegan said. "I was hurt."
"What about the children case? I remember discussing that with you."
"And you told me that I'm not making much sense."
That's official; Sara had found a new enemy.
"What made you change your mind?"
"I love her," Tegan said it as if that was the simplest answer that had ever rolled out of her tongue. Sara smiled.
"Aren't you afraid that, perhaps, you're thinking with your heart and not your mind? Aren't you afraid she'll get sick again? Aren't you afraid that, maybe, you won't be able to handle a child at such a young age? Imagine you lost her and you're a mother to, let's say, a three year old, and you're so young; what would you do?"
So many questions. Tegan got hit with fresh fears that had not touched her mind before. Sara's hate was growing. Sara wanted to cry.
"Why are you saying this?" Sara asked. "Why are you trying to scare the two of us?"
"I am giving you an image of reality. She is my patient; you are not. It is my duty to help her."
The heartbeat inside Tegan's chest arose by the minute. It was the same poignant rhythm as that of the ticking clock in the gloomy office. Don't think of the past or the present, think of this moment. Only this moment. Her thoughts, for once, were by her side and not against her. However, her therapist's focused eyes were penetrating her brain, planting fear inside her skull.
"Tell me, Tegan," Dr. West said. "I want you to look at me and tell me your honest answer. Do you want to have a child right now?"
Brown eyes never seemed as frightful as the ones of her therapist. They were big. So fucking big. They were hypnotizing in the worst type of way. The longer Tegan looked, the dizzier she got. The brown was swirling and twirling around the black dot, slowly putting her inside a spell.
"Tell her, Tegan," Sara's feminine octave hit Tegan's brain cells all of a sudden. "Please," she begged. "I want to know your answer. Do you want to have a child with me right now?" Tegan looked at Sara's hazel eyes. They were far less frightening. They looked sweet, sad, and soft. "Or not?"
"I do," Tegan said quickly. "I do," she repeated as she looked back at her therapist. She figured that if she said it so quickly while her eyes were on Sara's, she wouldn't change her mind if she looked at Dr. West.
To Sara, Dr. West was only making Tegan more anxious and less-confident about herself. The way she questioned her was far worse than Sara's mother's way of interrogation. Sara bet if Tegan's mother was aware that her daughter was visiting such a therapist, she'd lose her mind. Therapists shouldn't judge their patients, they shouldn't try to make them feel confused about their thoughts; they should help, give an advice, make them cope with their fears and chase after their goals.
"I'm not taking these pills anymore. I am not going there anymore," Tegan said as soon as they were back in the car. "I don't need her anymore. I know what I want and I am not sad. I am not scared, Sara. I love you and I want to be with you."
"God, I love you so much, Tegan." The older woman was in loss of words. "I don't know what I should say and do right now. You're...I love you. You're the reason...I am happy." Sara leaned in to kiss her student.
It was a gentle kiss. It was quick, too.
"I love you, too." Tegan's lips hurriedly pecked Sara's earlobe before the older woman pulled away, a sheepish smile painted on her face.
"Jeremy's now?" Sara asked, fastening her seat belt. Another drive to another unwanted place. She sighed.
"Yes," Tegan said. "I have to do this. I have to make sure he didn't tell Emy."
"Yes. True."
Sara looked at her student before starting the engine. She tried to find any hints of pain because of what had happened this morning, but Tegan seemed indifferent. Sara; however, was still hurt since she had seen that scene at the back entrance of their faculty.
Sara was about to get in her car when Tegan passed by, her earphones were blasting loud music. Sara smiled, thinking Tegan would stop, but the student did not notice her by her car. Tegan continued walking towards a bunch of seated girls smoking the way they always did at that time, at that place. She noticed their smirks and laughter, making her stop in her place, squinting at them. Sara saw the scene from her place, just a few feet away from them. Tegan paused the music only to hear their mocking laughter.
"Having fun with the old lady?" one woman said. Sara noticed that she was extremely androgynous, and extremely hot. "Fucking your sexy prof? Like some film fantasy, huh?"
"Does she know you're gonna cheat on her the way you cheated on Emy?" Sara quickly reached to the conclusion these were Emy's friends.
"I always knew you're into old women. So slow in everything. So lazy. Must be fun sleeping at nine and knitting together." Sara swallowed the lump in her throat. Her face was getting heated.
Every girl in that group was throwing a word at silent Tegan. Why wasn't her lover doing anything or saying something?
"Does she know you slept with basically the entire university?"
"Does she know we can fucking tell about you two?"
"We weren't mature enough for you, babe?" said the same androgynous woman. It was her turn again.
These were the women Tegan slept with.
Oh...
Tegan shook her head, turned up her music again, and walked away.
Sara, on the other hand, did not plan to let them be. She walked to where they had gathered. With her flaming orbs, she glared at each one of them, focusing her gaze on that very attractive woman. "If you do not want to be expelled, I suggest you never repeat what you have just said," Sara said with a voice sharper than any knife each of them had used.
Yes, Sara was sleeping with her student. Yes, almost everybody knew. No, nobody dared say anything. Sara was the new Dean of Students' Affairs now. Sara was getting into big places quickly because of her previous honest teaching method and her charm and ability to solve students' issues. Nobody dared say anything because Sara was too confident to give them a chance and Tegan was two months away from graduation. Nobody dared make a noise.
Sara and Tegan walked together under the rain just two days before, with Sara holding Tegan's umbrella for her. They were giggling while the professor's arm was wrapped around her student's waist. Sara noticed everybody's eyes on them. Every student scanned them. It felt great that she did not care. It felt great that she wasn't afraid.
Except that she was called the next day and ordered by the dean of the faculty to keep quiet about her affair, because the university's policy did not allow such a relationship. Sara argued, saying it was not just an affair; she and her student had gotten engaged. The new dean was a good, understanding woman. She told her that she did not care what it was; she cared about Sara's safety and her position.
So, this afternoon, on their way to the medical center, Tegan and Sara discussed what had happened.
"It always happens," Tegan said. "Like every day."
"And you say nothing?" Sara said with a surprise.
"Bitches bark, remember?" Tegan exposed her gummy smile to Sara.
Sara was confused for a second, but then she gasped. "How do you remember that?"
"I remember everything you have ever told me. Literally everything. Especially those days. I was so madly in love, like a drunken teenage boy."
"And what about now?" Sara asked. "Are you still so madly in love?" Sara winked, the way she used to do years before.
"Now I'm drowning in love." A sigh of content left Tegan's lips. Sara giggled because she was too shy to say anything. "I have to make sure Jeremy didn't tell Emy anything. I think she's the one who told them in the first place. I don't talk to Emy, so I have to ask Jeremy to tell her to tell them not to fucking mess with us."
And that's how they agreed to drive to Jeremy's, who hadn't been picking up his phone since the morning, to ask him to be quiet and not tell everyone just yet. Sara did not admire the idea, but she did not mind it since it was related to her own safety as well.
"I'll be right back," Tegan said. The car's door was opened and Tegan's feet were already hanging outside. Sara nodded, hoping Tegan would be quick.
Tegan alone with Jeremy up there? What would happen? Sara huffed. Nothing would happen. She's going to tell him to shut his stupid mouth up and come down.
Sara made up her mind that she'd follow Tegan if the younger woman did not come back after ten minutes. Sara trusted Tegan, but she wasn't able to kill the ghosts in her mind telling her Jeremy would take his chance to seduce Tegan. She felt stupid thinking like that but she couldn't help herself.
Jeremy was not opening the door. Tegan wondered whether he was out of town or not. But where would he be?
She had her own key in her pocket; she was going to return it today.
Tegan used the key to open the door and step inside. The television was on, Jeremy's shoes near the door, a blanket was on the couch, food on the counter. The apartment was a mess.
Without her, nothing was in its place. She made sure to clean and tidy the small place each day. She did the laundry, too. Jeremy only helped her with the cooking. Without her around, the apartment smelled like grief and carelessness.
"Jeremy?" Tegan called. "I saw your car parked. I know you're home." Unless he was out of the country and had left his car. But that's not likely. "Jeremy? I need to talk to you." Tegan stood outside the closed door of his room. She heard shuffling inside. She knew he was there. With a quick movement, she opened the door.
"Shit, Tegan." Jeremy walked towards her in his briefs. Tegan's eyes opened in astonishment. The face of the girl in Jeremy's bed was bloody red. "I was gonna get the door, goddamn it, get out," Jeremy yelled, but Tegan couldn't move. She looked at the girl and the girl looked at her. How fast was she replaced! And with whom? The girl from the bar; the one Sara said looked like her. Sara was right; that girl looked like her.
Jeremy pushed her out. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"You found someone," she said it with a tone she did not want to reveal. Why was she so hurt?
"Yes? That's what people do after they get dumped, you know."
"We weren't together." Tegan scowled.
"Then why are you so fucking hurt about it?"
"Jesus, what's your issue?" Tegan's voice arose.
"What's your issue? Why are you here?" Jeremy's voice was full of anger. Tegan was not used to that.
When the door creaked, both Jeremy and Tegan looked at the girl walking out with her shirt half buttoned, her jeans unzipped, her hair a mess, and her shoes in her hands. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'll leave you alone."
"No, Denise," Jeremy said, holding her arm. "She's not my girlfriend, I swear. She's not even my ex. She's gay. She was my roommate. I don't even know why she's here." The desperation was clear in the man's voice. Tears were dancing on the lids of the tall brunette. Jeremy looked back at Tegan with pleading eyes.
"I am so sorry," Tegan said. "I did not mean to barge in. I thought he's asleep or something. My girlfriend is waiting in her car. I just wanted to ask him something because he hasn't picked up his phone since this morning...I didn't know you guys were busy." Tegan blushed, and Denise did, too. Jeremy's face froze, looking behind Tegan.
"Tegan?" Sara's voice was heard, adding a new tune to the dramatic melody. "I got worried. What took you so long?" Sara scanned everyone with her microscopic gaze. Jeremy shivered when he was eyed up and down with these sharp eyes.
"Uh...it's a long story." Tegan was becoming anxious. She felt the pain growing in her stomach. She felt like she wanted to throw up.
"Did you ask him?" Sara asked.
"Ask me what? Can't you just fucking get it over with and leave my place?" Jeremy shouted at Tegan, who took a scared step back. Sara stood in her place, dilating her eyes at the man.
"Talk to her like that again and I swear to God..."
"Sara, just leave it." Tegan grabbed her girlfriend's wrist. Sara was too busy eyeing the woman from the bar with a raised brow. A smirk slowly made its way towards her lips.
"What do you want, Tegan?" Jeremy said again with a sigh.
"I just wanted to ask you if you told Emy about me and Sara. Of course you did. Thanks, by the way. You can't keep your mouth shut for one minute."
"I'm gonna leave." Denise rushed out before anybody could say anything.
Tegan was sure she was going to hurl. She did not expect a scene of a soap opera would be enacted right here in the hall of Jeremy's apartment.
"Whoa, whoa," Jeremy said. "What the fuck? Emy?" Sara and Tegan both nodded. "Dude, Emy's been out of town for the past two weeks. Her brother died."
Both women halted in their place. They looked at each other with wide eyes then looked back at Jeremy.
"What?" Tegan felt her voice breaking. "Martin?" Jeremy nodded. "Little Martin?" He was only six. How? When?
Tegan threw up on Jeremy's floor.
"Oh, God," Sara cried. "Oh, babe, it's okay." Tegan puked again.
Tegan continued puking on the floor. She puked for a long time. The scent was making Sara dizzy while she rubbed her girlfriend's back. Tegan sat on the floor and emptied the contents of her stomach. Jeremy ran around, trying to figure out what to grab in order to clean the floor. First thing he did was put on a shirt. He looked at Sara, who had one hand cupping her nose and one on Tegan's back. His friend was crying and throwing up. That was not good.
"I'll clean that," Sara said as she watched the man confused, not knowing what to do. Just take her to the bathroom and let her wash up. I'll clean it. Where do you keep your cleaning stuff?"
Jeremy hesitated. He was scared of Sara. The woman had eyes that could haunt a village; her tongue could speak daggers. "In the kitchen," he finally said, knowing that he should probably do what she had ordered. "The cabinet underneath the sink."
Jeremy walked Tegan to the bathroom. He supported her small frame while she washed her face. "It's been long day," Tegan kept mumbling. "It's been long day." Jeremy listened, not doing anything, nor saying anything. "How did he die?" Tegan started crying. She loved little Martin. Emy loved him so much.
"Brain cancer," Jeremy said.
"What?"
"Brain cancer."
"How," Tegan cried.
"He was diagnosed last year. Emy didn't tell anyone. I just knew recently." Tegan blinked. She looked at the door. Cancer? Again? That's what life was about? Innocent people getting diagnosed with a malicious disease? Why? Tegan sobbed.
"Tegan, it's fine," Jeremy said. "She'll be back next week. Go to her and talk to her. She needs a friend. Melissa broke up with her. I think you know that." Tegan nodded, still crying. "Her mother is losing it. He father is devastated." Of course...of course. That was cancer. That was death.
Sara stood by the door. Sara looked at her. Sara was still there, alive, and healthy. Tegan ran to the older woman, pushing her face in the crook of her neck. Sara hugged her, allowed her to cry there, and looked at Jeremy as they stood inside an awkward atmosphere.
Back in the car, Tegan continued crying as guilt wrapped its claws around her. Sara's car was still parked outside Jeremy's apartment complex. She listened as her student cried while she looked at the rain outside of the window.
"I feel so bad," Tegan kept saying. "I feel so bad. I feel so guilty. I hurt everyone. I always do."
"Stop saying that," Sara whispered. "It's not your fault."
"I hurt her a lot. I hurt you, too. I hurt Jeremy. Why am I like this?" Tegan shook her head.
But Jeremy hurt them. Sara still blamed him. She forgave Emy. Something about death made it easier to pity the friend. But Jeremy just couldn't win Sara's forgiveness.
"You met him? Martin I mean?"
"Yes," Tegan said. "Emy loved him so much. So fucking much. You have no idea." Another wave of tears rolled out of Tegan's eyes.
Sara put her hand below her left breast. The pangs in her heart wouldn't stop. When she heard what Jeremy had said, her stomach dropped. She had not met the child, but she felt terrible. However, she couldn't cry because she had to be the stronger one.
"Tegan," Sara whispered. "You know what mum kept telling me when I lost Alice?" Tegan shook her head. "Innocent children die young because they're too pure for this world. It's like God doesn't want them to suffer so he takes them away. I know it's hard to believe that, but it used to help me. He would have suffered with Cancer, Tegan. My daughter would have suffered all her life because she had a weak heart. Some people are just meant to live up there, not with us on earth."
Tegan had never felt the urge to scratch Sara's body with her nails, but she did now. It was a weird craving. Her eyes looked at Sara's covered arms. She thought if she scratched her arms, Sara would be marked forever and would never leave. Sara would be a part of her. And if Sara bled, Tegan would kiss every little wound. She wanted to squeeze the woman, hurt her skin, and pinch her flesh so hard. She just wanted to mesh with Sara in any possible way.
"I'll drive you home. You should sleep and rest. You basically puked everything. I'll make you something to eat," Sara offered.
Tegan sighed. "Sara," she said.
"Yes?"
"I want you to let me pinch your arm."
"Okay." Sara did not ask anything more. She offered Tegan her left arm and the younger woman pinched it after lifting up the sleeves. Then Tegan scratched at the red mark she had caused and looked at the silent older woman. "I want takeout."
"Okay." Sara smiled. She lowered her sleeves and rubbed the bruised area.
"And...I want to see Ella. I miss her." When Sara did not say anything, Tegan continued, "You haven't talked to Stacy since last week." Sara nodded. Since that phone call, Sara had not spoken to her best friend. "I don't want to be that person, Sara. I don't want to take away your right of having friends and interacting with people you love."
Tegan was feeling guilty towards her own friends, Sara summed it up. She felt guilty and wanted to feel better about herself. It was a human nature. Maybe she wanted to see Ella because Ella was innocent, Sara thought. Tegan was innocent, too. Probably like Emy's brother and like her dead daughter.
"You want us to grab food and go to Stacy's?" Sara asked again. "I don't want to force you to do anything you're not comfortable with."
"Sara, I want to. I don't hate Stacy. I really don't." Sara was scared of visiting her friend out of the blue after days of separation. "I feel bad. It's my fault she no longer wants you to babysit Ella." Sara nodded because it's the truth.
Stacy sent a text message saying she found a babysitter for Ella that same night. When Sara called back to ask her why she had done that, Stacy did not pick up. She texted the next day saying she had been searching for a long time and she finally found one. Sara was annoyed with that sensitive behavior, so she did not talk to Stacy since that day.
"We'll go. I'll get some burgers...or you can't eat anything like that right now?"
"I haven't puked since I moved in. I guess Jeremy's apartment is the issue. Actually, I just got overwhelmed. You know me."
"You worry me," Sara whispered, but Tegan did not say anything back.
Even though Tegan was craving a greasy MacDonald's cheeseburger sandwich, Sara disagreed, getting vegan burgers from her favorite vegan place.
When Sara rang the bell of Stacy's apartment, Tegan was wondering what had happened to Ella's bullying issue. She wondered if Stacy would be nice or angry that Sara had ignored her existence for the past week.
To save her from wondering, Stacy opened the door. She wore a simple long dress. It was black and had small red flowers on it. Tegan thought it looked cute. The dress hugged her small breasts but then it draped loosely and gracefully around her small body. It was a maternity dress. Tegan wondered why Stacy was wearing a maternity dress.
"Hey." Sara smiled.
"Hi," Tegan said.
"Oh, hi." Stacy was clearly surprised to see them there.
"Can we come in?" Sara asked. "We brought dinner." She held the bag up for Stacy to see.
Stacy blinked, looking between them. She stepped aside, motioning them in. Tegan stepped inside first, taking a quick glance at the smallest place she had ever seen. Stacy did not lie when she called her place a shoebox.
"Tegum, Tegum, Tegum," Ella shouted, jumping up and down. She ran towards Tegan and squealed when the woman picked her up, laughing at the honest enthusiasm.
Sara put the food on the table. She looked at her friend, who was looking at her daughter giggling with her girlfriend. Her heart stung as she scanned the sad smile.
"I'm so sorry," Sara whispered. "I know I'm a terrible friend."
Stacy shook her head, looking at Sara. "You didn't do anything."
"Yes, I did." Sara followed Stacy towards the joined kitchen.
Stacy grabbed some plates. Her face looked restless. "It's okay," Stacy mumbled. "I know you needed time with her. It's fine, Sara."
"I feel terrible."
"Don't."
Tegan heard the entire conversation because Stacy's apartment was just one room. One queen-sized bed was in the middle. A round table with four chairs around it was on the far left. A very small television and one sofa were placed in the corner of the room. There were only two doors: one to leave the place; one that led to the bathroom, close to the "kitchen." Tegan frowned as she carefully scanned the mess in the place. Clothes were scattered in every nook. Ella's dolls were on the mattress. Pieces of colored LEGO were all over the floor, making it easy for the walker to trip on them and fall.
"Look, Tegum." Ella showed Tegan the biggest smile ever, pointing at her lower teeth. Tegan noticed the missing tooth right away, faking an amazed gasp that made the little girl giggle. "Mummy said I'm gonna grow big girl teeth like yours."
"Ella," Sara interrupted. "How rude. I did not get a 'hi, Sasa.'" Sara pouted, taking a hold of Ella after Tegan had passed the four-year-old to her. "Someone's getting too heavy to be carried."
"Tell her that," Stacy said. "I'm gonna get a disc carrying her around."
Ella stuck her tongue out at her mother; something she had done since she was an infant. Tegan loved this action. Watching Ella running around; giggling; messing up words and sentences; hugging her mother's legs, she thought about how her own child would behave and look like. He or she would look something like her, for sure. But they would, also, look like the donor and that scared her. What if her donor was ugly? What if he had terrible traits? Times like these she wished science was more advanced. If only she could make a baby with Sara and get a child who has both of their genes.
Tegan busied her mind thinking about this topic while Sara kept adding more salad and pickles in her plate. Tegan ate without thinking about what she was stuffing her face with. She was hungry.
Sara knew her girlfriend was not mentally present. When Tegan thought and contemplated, her mind would travel elsewhere. An earthquake could be happening under her feet and she wouldn't notice it. Sara took advantage of the moment, adding more food in her lover's plate.
Stacy fed Ella, who kept moving, making her mother glare with anger. Sara offered to help but Stacy ignored the offer. It bothered Sara that her friend was making their interactions harder and the situation awkward. Sara was getting angry with the heavy silence. She tried to open a new subject, but her friend gave her short answers and her girlfriend was so lost inside her own thoughts.
After dinner, Sara pushed Stacy inside the bathroom and closed the door; she was determined to stab the elephant in the room, whatever it was.
Tegan found herself alone with the four-year-old kid. Sara whispered to her that she would talk to Stacy in the bathroom in order to let her spell out whatever anger she had been locking inside. Tegan couldn't say anything because Sara did not wait for her opinion.
Ella was ecstatic her favorite person was in her place. The excitement in her stomach couldn't make her sit down and relax. She wanted to give Tegan everything because she loved her. She didn't want Tegan to leave unhappy because she didn't get chocolate milk and a candy bar. Ella opened the cabinets searching for what her mother had shopped for three days before. She knew it was there somewhere; she had seen her mother hiding it, thinking she didn't notice.
"Ella, what are you doing?" the melodic voice of Tegan called her. She looked back, sadness haunting her face, sweat coating her brow. She couldn't find candy for Tegan. Tegan was going to leave upset. "What's wrong?" Tegan was so nice and she smelled so beautiful.
When Tegan hugged her, Ella rested her head on Tegan's shoulder and cried. "I can't find chocolate milk for you," Ella mumbled.
"I don't want chocolate milk. I'm okay. Don't worry about me." Tegan was nice to her. She loved Tegan so much. She wanted to live with her.
Ella decided she'd tell Tegan she wanted to live with her when Tegan put her on her lap. She turned around and looked at the hazel eyes. They looked like the sun she drew on the corner of the pages whenever she drew something. Ella giggled. "Your eyes are sunny." Ella forgot what she wanted to say to Tegan.
"Oh, really?" Tegan laughed. "How?"
"Wait," Ella said. She had to show Tegan; therefore, she hopped off Tegan's lap and ran to her backpack. She took out the latest piece she had painted. She was so proud of it because her teacher loved it. Her art teacher was the nicest, and she had a shiny silver ball underneath her lips like Tegan. "Look, Tegum. Look at this sun. It looks like your eyes."
Ella watched Tegan's eyes as they looked at her painting. She sat beside her girlfriend and bit her lower lip the way she did, waiting for praise.
"Ella!" Tegan said. "You drew this?" Ella nodded quickly. It was all her. She sat all night drawing it even though her mummy said she should go to bed. But she did not listen and she colored every detail with care till her eyes gave up and shut on their own. She woke up the next day tucked inside the heavy blanket, next to her mummy's tired body. "This is so beautiful."
"Thank you." Ella felt big and old. She wanted her mummy to hear Tegan saying nice things to her. "This is the sun," Ella pointed out with her little index finger at the fiery orange globe on the corner of the white sheet. "At sunset, the sun looks like your eyes. I see it every day from this window." Ella pointed at the one small window in the room.
"It's so beautiful, El. You're gonna be a great artist one day." Ella covered her face with her eyes, hiding her bashfulness and red face. "Are these us?" Tegan pointed at the two girls, one with light brown locks and a purple sweater; the other was slightly taller, she had dark hair and a piercing underneath her lower lip.
"Yes," Ella said quickly. "And these are mummy and Sasa back there." Tegan laughed softly. Ella was a sweet little girl with a wild imagination. "We are playing in the park and they are watching us." Tegan could see that, but she allowed Ella to explain.
Sooner or later Ella was going to get hit with the reality of Tegan not being her girlfriend. Tegan couldn't get in the mind of the child, but she knew that shocking her with the truth wouldn't be a great idea all at once. She was in denial. Tegan looked older, yet Ella drew her as a four-year-old who was only a little bit taller.
"Tegum?" Ella asked.
"Yes, honey." Tegan smiled.
"I wanna live with you and Sasa. Please." Ella covered her eyes again, peeking at Tegan from the small gaps between her digits.
Tegan didn't know what to say. She stayed silent for a few seconds. She looked at the closed bathroom door. She was able to hear whispering, but she couldn't hear what the two women were talking about. They probably were talking about her. Stacy was probably telling Sara about how much of a bitch she was and how she was going to break Sara's heart. What if Stacy made a move on her lover? No, no, no. She had to shake these thoughts away.
"Tegum," Ella said again. She patted Tegan's knee as she looked up at the older woman with wide eyes. "Please let me come with you and Sasa. I don't wanna live here." Ella frowned. "I don't like it here."
"Why don't you like it here?" Tegan thought that she should try to understand the child's perspective before saying no. "Your mum is here. She loves you. You should live with her."
"Mummy is sad all the time. She cries all the time. She cries in the morning and when we're eating and when she is showering and when I am asleep. She wakes me up because she keeps crying. I don't want to live with her because she's always sad because of me."
Tegan picked up Ella, placing her on her lap once again. Her eyes were squinting in confusion. "Ella, why are you saying this?" Tegan whispered.
"Saying what?"
"Why do you think your mum is sad because of you?" Why would Stacy even be sad? Was she that in love with Sara?
"Because she thinks I'm hurt, but I am not. I am a big girl, like you. I am not hurt. But she is hurt and she thinks I'm hurt." Tegan felt lost. Perhaps it had to do with the bullying matter.
"Why does she think you're hurt?"
"Because daddy hit me and she thinks I'm hurt. But it only hurt a bit and it doesn't anymore. But...but..." Ella stuttered. She turned head back, looking at the door. She hopped off Tegan's lap and put her index against her lips, motioning for Tegan not to make a noise. "Mummy has a huuuuuuuge bruise in here." Ella pointed at her side. "Because daddy kicked her here and it made me cry, so daddy hit me and she thinks I'm hurt so she cries." Tegan's eyes dilated in shock. At this point she wasn't sure if Ella was telling the truth or making up a story in order to convince Tegan of what she wanted. Kids tended to have an imagination so big they'd make up brilliant stories in order to get what they desired; Ella was one of these kids. "So I want to live with you so I wouldn't see her cry."
"Ella, why are you saying this?" Tegan felt helpless, so she repeated her question.
"Saying what?"
"Did your daddy really hit you and Stacy?"
"He hit mummy every day. But he never hit me. He only hit me once when I told him to stop because there was so much, so much blood." Tegan's face turned pale. Her stomach ached all of a sudden. She looked at the closed door and looked back at the kid. "It didn't hurt. Don't feel bad. I'm a big girl."
"You are a big girl." Tegan picked up the small child. She hugged her as a tear rolled down her eyes. Did Sara know about that? She had to tell Sara about it. Why would Stacy hide something so serious?
"You don't see daddy anymore, right?" Tegan asked again.
"No," Ella said. "But mummy is still hurt. Big time. In here, Tegum, in here." Ella pointed at her side again. "It looks disgusting. I see it every day."
"I'm so sorry," Tegan whispered. She wanted to do something or say something, but she couldn't.
"Can I live with you and Sasa? I wasn't supposed to tell you this because mummy doesn't like that but you wouldn't let me come with you."
"Yes, you can. But your mum has to say yes, too." Tegan knew Stacy would say no, but she didn't want to be the one who said no. She wished Sara would get out of there already. She was taking too long and this day was taking too long. It was such a bad day.
Sara felt herself stupefied with every tear Stacy had shed and every word she had admitted. The professor sat on the toilet's closed seat and buried her face in her hands. Stacy sat on the edge of the bathtub and cried.
"I repressed it so much; all my anger; my sadness; my fear; my misery. I didn't know it was going to make me this...numb. I didn't know it was going to affect her. She can't interact with boys in school. How did I not think of it? Of course she can't. She had seen her father hit her mother every day since she was an infant and her mother did nothing to stop it. I am so stupid."
Sara agreed; her friend was stupid. When she and Jack went on a double date with Stacy and Tony, Jack told Sara later that this man seemed too possessive and too controlling. The only reason Sara did not take Jack's words seriously because she was having her own issues with Jack sleeping around with other women. But Jack always knew people; he knew how to read them and how to deal with them. When Stacy started to become meaner to her, Sara knew something was up. When Stacy visited her and Tegan back in 2014, Sara was informed that her friend was getting a divorce because the relationship was abusive. When Sara moved in with Stacy in Vancouver, Tony barged in almost every other week, threatening and shouting. He cussed Stacy, called Sara a dyke, and made his daughter cry. He was a disgusting man. Sara had never seen someone as disgusting as him. Despite all that, Stacy did not show any sign of defeat or chagrin. She woke up each day with a fresh face full of hope and energy. She made breakfast, she smiled, she mocked the people she encountered, and talked about random topics without getting bored. What had changed all of a sudden? The woman simply had enough, Sara thought.
"Maybe now you should stop doing what you do, Stacy. Maybe now you'd stop putting on this mean mask and stop pretending that everything is perfect. Ella will be fine. She needs time. But you...you need some work to do. You need to work on yourself."
"Sara, you don't get anything." Stacy chuckled. "Ella still remembers him hitting me."
Sara decided not to respond. Whenever she said something, Stacy said another, neglecting her opinion.
"Last week...when I returned early and saw you and Tegan..." Stacy didn't say it. Sara nodded; she understood. "That was one hell of a day. In the morning, my purse got stolen. I chased after the man but I fell. I didn't notice it first, but my left hip came in contact with the edge of the sidewalk. My money was gone, every important card in my wallet was gone, and I hurt myself. My phone was in my pocket so it wasn't stolen. But I wish it was, because then I got a call from Ella's kindergarten telling me about how isolated she is. I told you about that." Sara listened and nodded. She wanted to say many things, she wanted to hug her friend, but she didn't. "Then I came to your place and saw you and Tegan kissing. It hurt me. It hurt me a lot. I am so sorry that I'm saying this, but it was the cherry on top."
Sara lowered her head. She couldn't apologize for this thing; she deserved to be happy with her lover. Tegan was right; Stacy shouldn't have free access to her home anymore.
"Is that why you found a babysitter for Ella?"
"No," Stacy said. "I felt like an intruder. Whenever I'm in the same room as her, I feel her hatred towards me. I know she thinks I'm gonna steal you or something. I don't want to be thought of like that."
"She doesn't," Sara lied. "She's the one who told me to visit today." That was a truth.
Stacy didn't say anything.
"What about your purse? Your money?"
"It's all gone."
"I'm sorry," Sara whispered. "It's okay to feel sad and hurt and angry at everyone. You should know that, Stace. You've seen me."
"I know." Stacy stood up. Her hands gradually lifted up her dress. Sara's eyes traveled up the long tanned legs. Her friend held up her dress above her bony knees. "I'm gonna show you something, but I'm not wearing any underwear." Stacy lifted her dress all the way up to her toned stomach, giving Sara a view she hadn't asked for.
It was not the nudity that caught Sara's attention; it was the giant bruise covering her friend's left side. A dark bluish hue covered the waist, and a slightly opened wound, with the blood dry, covered her hip.
"What the fuck is this?" Sara said loudly. "This is when you fell?"
"Three months ago Tony came to my place like he usually did. I said something, he said something and, well, that's how it ended up. That's not the issue..." Sara's flabbergasted heart was beating quickly. Her fists were clenched and her eyes were dark. "The issue is that when Ella was telling him to stop, he fucking hit her. He never touched Ella before. After he hit her, he got out. She can't forget this scene and she keeps remembering it whenever she sees this bruise. I fell on it and now it looks ten times worse."
Sara began to cry. Hot tears were streaming down her face. The sight was disturbing. Her friend was stupid and hurt.
"Don't cry, Sara."
Sara shook her head. "You can't even wear anything tight and it's still bleeding."
"No, I can't," Stacy said. "It's not bleeding. I stitched it up on my own, but it's not healing. I tried to wear underwear at least, but it hurts me so bad."
Sara got up. The flare in her eyes was too bright and frightening for Stacy to look directly at her face. "I'm taking you to the hospital to get this stitched up properly."
"No, Sara."
"I'm going to ask Tegan to babysit Ella," Sara interjected. Her mind was made up; no strength whatsoever could make her retreat. If she wanted to push a mountain, she would do it. If she wanted to take over the world, she could do it. She was Professor Sara Clement! "Put on your jacket and follow me."
Sara left the bathroom shaking her head. Her eyes met Tegan's concerned ones. She was the mother of everyone and everything. All the weight fell on her shoulder. Her friend and her lover were her responsibility. It was funny how the tables had turned. Why did nobody want to go to doctors and take care of themselves? Humans always had to get burnt before they learned not to touch fire.
Tegan saw Stacy leaving after a second. Both of the women had puffy eyes; both of them had been crying. When Sara called her, she got up and walked towards her girlfriend. She thought they were leaving. Finally! She wanted a relaxing time with Sara at Sara's place, in Sara's bed.
"I'm gonna take Stacy to the hospital," Sara whispered. Tegan furrowed her brows. "She needs stitches. It's a long story. I need you to distract Ella. If she asked, tell her we went to get some candy."
Tegan nodded. She already knew. She looked back at Stacy and watched her put on her Jacket. Ella was asking her questions. Stacy was lying to her daughter. "Don't worry. I'll babysit her."
"Thank you," Sara whispered. She kissed Tegan's cheek quickly. She didn't want Stacy's eyes to see the kiss. It was not a good time to project her love in front of her anguished friend. "We won't be late."
Surprisingly, Ella was very happy that they were left alone. She jumped on the sofa and clapped her hands. She switched the channels till she found Much Music and turned up the volume, singing the loudest she could in order to impress Tegan, who was looking at her with a lopsided smile.
Stacy had given both of them chocolate milk and a bar of Cadbury. Even though Tegan wanted to seem nice, she couldn't help not to roll her eyes at the older woman.
Tegan and Jeremy texted each other while Ella watched TV. Jermey was checking on his friend, making sure she was alright. They talked till they started joking again. Jeremy told her about Denise and how he liked her so much. Tegan told him about Stacy and Ella. She did not narrate the dramatic story, but she told him she was babysitting the kid. Jeremy demanded a picture.
Ella started getting angry at Tegan for not sitting with her. She took Tegan's phone when Tegan was in the bathroom and hid it.
"I need my cell phone, Ella."
"No," Ella said. "Sit next to me here." Ella pointed at the mattress. Tegan obeyed.
"But I need it. Sara may call."
"No."
"Why?"
"Because you keep looking at it and not at me." Ella was a possessive child.
"I won't. I promise."
"No." Ella was beginning to irritate her. Maybe that's what Stacy meant when she complained about Ella being an annoying kid. "Let's look at pictures of mummy and Sasa." Ella put a stack of pictures next to Tegan's frame. Tegan had no idea where these came from.
"Where did you get these from?" Tegan yawned. She was getting sleepy and tired. It was only 8:00 p.m., however.
"From the drawer." Ella scattered the pictures on the mattress. She rested on her stomach. She supported herself with her elbows, putting her chin in her palms.
Tegan took a quick look at every picture. Her lips parted as she recognized the women in there—their haircuts, clothes, smiles, poses, and innocence. Sara looked so young in most of them. In one picture, she did not look like herself at all. She had very long brown hair. Her face was full of pimples and her smile was goofy. She had a very curvy body; Tegan noticed it despite her baggy attire. Stacy did not look that different. She was a natural blonde. Her hair was dyed in most of the pictures, however. Sara had blond hair in only two pictures. It was spiky, short, and adorable. Tegan liked it so much. Sara looked like a boy. Tegan liked that; it made her smile.
"Look, Tegum." Tegan gasped. Ella had handed her a picture of Sara and Jack. Tegan recognized him immediately. Sara was pregnant in that picture. She looked so beautiful. She looked amazing. She looked hot. "Were you in there?" Ella asked.
"What?"
"Were you in Sasa's tummy?"
Tegan's jaw dropped. Ella thought Sara was her mother. Ella genuinely believed that Sara was her mother.
"Is Jack your daddy? I liked Jack. Why doesn't he live with you? Did he hit Sasa, too?"
Tegan thought she handled kids very well. She was always praised for her patience and her warm spirits. But none of the kids she babysat or encountered were that delusional. None of the kids believed what their minds had summed up together. She was never mistaken for a kid by another kid. She was always the older woman they liked to play with because she was nice.
Tegan did not give Ella any answer. She collected the pictures and put them in their original place. She asked for Ella to sit on her lap. The truth hurt, but Ella needed some of it in her brain. She kissed Ella's temple, making her face turn red.
"How about we have a little talk?" Ella's head went up and down. She turned around to face Tegan. Her legs were on either side of the woman, who was resting her back against the headboard. "Do you know how old I am?" Ella shook her head. "Guess."
Ella pretended to think. She tilted her head to the side and squinted her eyes. "Ten?"
"I'm twenty-one." Ella gasped. "Yes." Tegan's laughter filled the empty place.
"You're old." Tegan nodded. "But how is Sasa your mummy? Is she one hundred years old?" Tegan laughed again, loudly.
"Sara is not my mummy," Tegan said. "And Jack is not my daddy." Ella gasped again. "And Sara is thirty-five not one hundred."
"Then who are your mummy and daddy?" Tegan could see that Ella felt confused and puzzled. "Why do you live with Sasa?"
"Wait," Tegan said. An idea popped up inside her head. "I can show you a picture of my mummy and daddy but you have to give me my phone so I can show it to you."
Ella did not hesitate; she took Tegan's phone from the front pocket of her hoodie and handed it to Tegan. Tegan smiled at the little girl as she dialed up her mother's number.
"Mom," Tegan said when Sonia picked up.
"Tegan, hi."
"I need a quick favor."
"Okay?"
"You know that picture of dad, you, and me on your lap that's in my room?"
"Yes?"
"I want you to take a picture of it and Whatsapp it to me. Quickly, please." Ella was looking at her, eyes wide with admiration.
"Why?" Sonia asked.
"I'll tell you later. I just need it right now."
"Alright." Her mother sighed. "Give me a minute."
Tegan waited for her mother to send the picture. She told Ella that she was talking to her mother. Ella did not like that truth; it confounded her.
"Let's take a selfie till mum sends me the picture," Tegan suggested.
Apparently, Ella knew what a selfie was. She clapped and squealed. She fixed her hair quickly and sat properly on Tegan's lap. Tegan opened Snapchat in order to take her selfie. "Smile a very big smile." Ella giggled and Tegan seized the moment, taking her picture with Ella's happy laughter. She decided she'd share it as a story, but she did not put any caption. She kissed Ella's cheek, making her giggle again.
Once Sonia sent her the picture, she showed it to Ella. She was four when the picture had been taken, and she was sitting on her mother's lap. Her father was sitting next to her mother and he had a funny-looking mullet. Tegan had a scowl on her face. Her eyes were teary because, as Sonia had said, Ted had taken her Christmas present because he liked it more than his own.
"This is you?" Ella asked.
"Yes."
"You were so little."
"I was."
"Your mummy looks cute."
"Thank you."
"Your daddy looks funny." Ella laughed.
"He does, doesn't he?"
"Yes."
"So these are my mummy and daddy. I live with Sara because she is my girlfriend. She is my lover and we are going to get married soon."
Ella nodded with a frown. That was easy, Tegan thought. She felt accomplished. Sara should thank her. Now Ella knew they were together.
"So you and Sasa kiss?" Ella asked suddenly.
"Yes." Tegan said with raised brows and dilated orbs. Ella blushed. She got off Tegan's lap and walked to the sofa. She sat there and continued watching TV. Tegan sighed.
Sara and Stacy took too long. The clock ticked till nine-thirty and Tegan was getting bored. She stood by the window and watched the empty street. It was still raining and it was very cold. In fifteen minutes, only two cars passed, and they weren't her lover's. Tegan yawned and waited. She wanted to go home and rest. She wanted to sleep in her lover's arm and forget this exhausting day. She wanted to change her clothes and be comfortable. She had taken off her Doc. Martens hours ago because her feet hurt. She wanted to take off her pants and her bra. She wanted to stay in a thin shirt and embrace Sara's warm skin. What was taking them too long?
She heard low sobs coming from behind. She turned around, finding Ella standing farther away with tears in her eyes. Tegan walked up to her. She asked her what's wrong, but Ella did not say anything, she only cried. Tegan bent down, worry masking her features. She tried to guess what had happened, but Ella's face indicated nothing. Maybe she was upset because of what Tegan had told her.
"Aren't you gonna tell me what's wrong?" Tegan asked.
"I didn't mean to," Ella said.
"What is it? What happened?"
"It's not me." Ella was sobbing. "It happened on its own. I swear."
"What..." Tegan parted her lips once she realized what Ella was talking about. One look at Ella's pants and she was able to notice what Ella had done. Ella cried uncontrollably. She was shaking and wailing. "It's okay, it's okay. Don't cry."
"I didn't do it. It happened on its own. I was going to the bathroom but it happened. I didn't pee, it peed on me." Tegan was laughing. She hugged the small girl and kissed her cheek. The more she laughed, the louder Ella cried.
"Ella, it's fine. I'll clean it. I won't tell mummy. Go to the bathroom. I'll get you your pajamas and it will be fine."
Tegan was smiling to herself the entire time she was helping Ella with her clothes. Sara would be proud, she thought. Sara would be happy. She couldn't wait to tell Sara. She was so sure right now that she had made the right decision by saying yes to Sara. It was easy; she could handle all of it. Ella loved her. Kids always loved her. She was happy to help. She was the best at this. She wouldn't let Sara down.
What surprised her most about Ella was that before falling asleep, Ella gave her a milk bottle and asked her to make warm milk. Tegan thought she was joking, but then Ella whined, demanding the milk to be put in the bottle.
"But babies drink milk like this. Didn't you say you're a big girl?" Tegan asked.
Ella stomped her left foot on the ground and let out a loud shriek. She was getting sleepy and whiny. "No. No. Don't be like mummy. I want milk. I want it."
"Okay, okay." Tegan was afraid of children tantrums. She was too exhausted to receive one. "Go to bed. I'll get you your milk."
Ella held her teddy bear and her milk bottle while her eyes were closed. Tegan watched the little girl getting herself to sleep. It was ten by now and Tegan's body was giving up, ready to succumb like Ella's. Once Ella fell asleep, the bottle fell from her lips. Tegan picked it up and placed it on the bedside table. She wanted to lie on the mattress, but she didn't want to put her head on Stacy's pillow. The couch was wet because Ella peed there and there was no place she could rest her head. She decided she'd lie on the mattress but not on the pillow. Her body curled up like a snail and her eyes closed. She fell asleep without thinking too much of falling asleep.
Sara helped her friend inside. The scene made both women smile. Stacy sat on the mattress next to Tegan's frame. Sara bent down to wake Tegan up.
Tegan woke up cold and confused. Where was she?
Oh, she was still here.
Sara was here, too. She sighed in relief.
"I'm cold," she said. She was shaking.
"Give her my jacket," Stacy offered.
"I have a coat," Tegan said defensively.
"Stacy, take these pills. Don't forget. If you want anything, call. Please." Tegan looked at Stacy. Her face looked...horrible. Yes, it looked horrible.
Tegan put on her shoes quickly. She stood by the door, waiting to leave.
"Thank you, Tegan," Stacy whispered. "I really appreciate what you've done. Thank you."
"It's okay. No big deal." Tegan tried to smile, but she couldn't.
"I hope she didn't give you a hard time." Stacy was trying to get up, but she winced in pain.
"Will you sit for a second?" Sara scolded.
"I need to change my clothes anyway," Stacy said.
"She was very easy to handle," Tegan said. "But she peed on the couch. I cleaned it all. And she asked for milk...in the bottle."
Stacy sighed. "I can't get her rid of these two habits at all. When she's shy around someone, she doesn't ask them to take her to the bathroom. And she won't leave the damn bottle."
"Karma for making fun of your friend all these years." Sara winked at her friend. "Okay, we're going. Goodnight, Stace. Get some sleep. I'll visit tomorrow. Enjoy your time off work."
Once they were in the car, Sara broke down crying. Tegan listened in silence. Sara said she did not want to talk about it; she only wanted to cry because it had been a stressful day. Tegan agreed. There was nothing to talk about. It had been a long fucking day.
Tegan didn't know how much she missed being half-dressed around Sara until she was in Sara's room. They cuddled up and made out. They talked about Stacy's situation for awhile.
"No special treatment for her, though," Tegan said. Her gummy smile made Sara's heart melt with joy.
"I never thought I'd miss annoying Stacy."
"She's gonna be alright, though. Right?"
"Yes," Sara said. "Physically, she'll be fine. Her stitches need to heal. Emotionally, it might take her some time. But she'll be alright."
"Yes. She has Ella and...us." Tegan's lips planted a kiss on Sara's supple neck.
"I'm proud of you. So fucking proud of you. You have no idea how happy I am that you're basically my fiancé." Sara kissed her lover's forehead. "I'm gonna have to get you a ring," she teased, making Tegan giggle. "Wanna make out some more?"
"Yes, please." Tegan could never say no to kissing Sara. It was the only thing that made this stressful day better. Sara's kisses were remedies and potions; they always reminded her why she's back in the arms of such a dangerous love. She could forget about all her little worries when Sara kissed her. This night she deeply needed to think about nothing but how to enjoy the presence of someone she loved more than anything in this world.