Sara's feet couldn't carry her anymore. She wanted to sit down and relax for hours. She wanted a warm bath. She wanted to close her eyes and rest. Tegan was so hard to please and she complained about almost everything. At one moment during the day, Sara wanted to sit on the floor of the empty house and cry. House after the other, a neighborhood after the other, but nothing satisfied Tegan's standards of living. That's what you get for dating a rich kid, Sara thought; they only showed their upper-class selves when it came to deals that concerned them. Everything was either too small or too unorganized, as if Tegan knew anything about organization, Sara thought.
Sara saw Tegan speaking to the landlords about everything in the house; the tiles, the roof, the walls, the colors, the doors, the bathrooms, the arrangement, and the money. Sara, herself, felt lost when Tegan was trying to prove some landlord that the floor tile was not Travertine, it was Quartzite. "He wants us to believe it's Travertine. He thinks we're stupid because we're two women," Tegan said angrily as she left the house, making Sara follow her.
"But what's wrong with it? It's a nice house, and it's affordable." Sara got in the car and lowered her sunglasses, making it sit on the bridge of her nose. She was sick of driving. If they weren't going to find anything in the next hour, she swore she'd buy the place she wanted without Tegan tagging along.
"He's trying to cheat us. Everything is cheap in there. Did you see the bathrooms?"
"God, Tegan." Sara huffed, clutching the steering wheel tightly.
"I'm gonna live in this house and my kid will live in it, too. I'm going to choose something I like." Maybe Tegan was doing all that on purpose because she wanted Sara to give up the idea, but Sara wasn't going to. Tegan could step on her and she would still find a nice house, marry Tegan, and have her kid.
…
"This one, this one," Tegan whispered her excited shout to Sara after touring two more houses and ending up in this very neat place. Sara knew Tegan was going to love it; rich kids always picked expensive things.
Tegan turned around to the woman who was showing them the house. "Can we please take a look at it and talk about it alone?" The woman nodded and smiled.
"I'll be downstairs." Sara smiled at the woman before watching her slowly walk down the stairs.
"Sara, we found the house. This is perfect." Sara wanted to cry right there. It was not perfect. She could never afford this house. If she bought it, she'd go broke.
"Tegan, no," Sara whispered. It was such a nice house, no wonder Tegan loved it. A spacious master bedroom with a big and beautiful bathroom connected to it, Sara couldn't resist that. And it had two other bedrooms. The kitchen was connected to the vast living and dining room downstairs, and Sara loved that so much. It had two other bathrooms, one downstairs and the other between the two other bedrooms. It also had another (very small) living room upstairs; Sara had already made it an area for them to sit and relax, watch TV, and for their kid to play. What about the staircase? Sara didn't want her kid to fall off or hurt herself (Sara was hoping it would be a she). The garden outside was just so pretty and so big, Sara imagined how it would look like taken care of. The garage was shaded and there was a nice place outside to have some chairs, a swing set, and a table. She could invite Stacy for BBQs in the summer. Ella could run around, and Tegan could do whatever the hell Tegan did when she was not whining.
"I can't afford it, Tegan. It's in Westmount. What the hell are you thinking? I can never afford anything in here. I'm not that rich, you know."
Tegan furrowed her brows, put her hand on her hip, and said, "What are you talking about?"
"Tegan," Sara said, "I am not…not rich. I barely have the money I have saved a long time ago. I can buy a house, but not an eight-hundred thousand dollars house. Where am I going to get the money from? I'm not…" Sara was going to cry, she knew it and she knew her tears were going to embarrass her. "I know I'm a dean, but I've been just reemployed three months ago, and the money I get from that is the money we live off."
"Wait, wait…" Tegan laughed nervously. "I thought…I thought we're buying the house together. You and I. Together. You know, it's a house…for us. Why do you wanna pay all the money? Why do you think you're the only one who has to spend? What's my purpose in this relationship? Just to get you the damn baby?" Tegan freaked out, and when she did, she couldn't stay quiet. She spoke quickly, she did not make sense, she stuttered, and she shouted.
"Oh my God, I didn't even say that," Sara said. "Calm the fuck down."
"I am calm." Tegan glared. Everything in her body screamed, everything inside of her was raging; it was fiery, red, and screeching.
"You don't work, Tegan. You don't make money. We're talking about eight-hundred thousand dollars, not eight hundred dollars, which I'm sure you don't even have. I'm the one who's providing for this family."
"Family?" Tegan chuckled. She swayed from side to side, her demeanor somber. Her arms were folded against her chest and her eyes were narrowed. "We're not yet a family. We won't be a family if you keep thinking you're the boss. You're not the boss. You're the boss at your work but you're certainly not the boss of this relationship." With added emphasis on the last word, Tegan was able to cut Sara's tongue off quickly.
Sara only muttered something that Tegan couldn't hear properly. She didn't care if it was a curse or a quibble. If Sara wanted this, they were going to follow Tegan's rules. Sara would have gotten her way two years ago, but she needed to comprehend already that Tegan had changed. Everything in Tegan had changed; she no longer stayed silent watching her rights crawling away from her because Sara said so.
"What do you want then?" Sara asked with a cracked voice.
"You pay half and I pay half."
"How are you going to get four-hundred thousand dollars?"
"That's about two-hundred eighty thousand American dollars. I can manage that."
"No," Sara said. "I don't want your parents to pay. I don't want them to buy anything for me. I don't want them to help. I don't want any parents involved in this."
"I didn't say my parents are going to help." Tegan stepped closer to Sara's tensed form. "I have money, Sara. I've been working in the summer since I was fifteen. I've been saving since then. I've been teaching for the past two years, too. I have money in the bank; my own money. The reason I didn't work this semester is because my health wasn't so well and I was advised not to pressure myself more than I've done."
Sara didn't say anything. She turned around and looked out of the large window in that nice area that she wanted to turn into a TV room or a play room, or anything nice. She walked around and thought. Tegan tried to read her mind, but Sara couldn't be read when she spoke, so surely her mind would be the hardest mind to hack into if that was possible.
"Uh…" Sara hesitated to speak, but said anyway, "I think, I think that doesn't make the amount of money we're talking about."
Tegan sighed. She walked up to her professor and made her turn around. Sara faced Tegan with teary eyes. Guilt spat inside Tegan's stomach, making her regret her words. If there was anybody more fragile and sensitive than her, it would be Sara, which was ironic to Tegan. Nineteen-year-old Tegan would definitely find it ironic, she wouldn't believe it.
"Okay, I have an apartment in Florida and I've been renting it since I was eighteen. It gave me some money. My parents spend on me because that money was supposed to pay for my M.A., but I want to pay for the house. I mean, if I'm going to have a child soon, I won't be doing Masters for another three years, maybe. By the time I'm ready, I'll have my money."
Sara felt bewildered and astonished. She learned a new thing about Tegan every single day. Sara loved finding out new things about her lovers, she thought it renewed the perspective and gave the effigy of the person in her mind a new type of excitement. But this news was just different. Tegan didn't seem like the one who handled money at all, she didn't seem mature enough to understand deals. However, Tegan was so smart when it came to house hunting, even Sara could agree. She knew how to find the hidden flaw or error, and knew what's worthy and what's not.
"How did you get this apartment? Your parents, right? It's your dad's? And like, he gives you its money?" Sara tried to find out more, but the more she asked, the bigger the offense she delivered.
"My parents are rich as fuck, Sara. My dad buys real estate like it's some monopoly game. He bought this apartment and recorded it in my name. I am the owner of it even if he paid. He did the same thing to Ted. He does it to mum, too. He doesn't want his children to grow old without something that they can hold on to, something that gives them a living, you know. So I decided to rent it. He was okay with it and he helped me do that. It's my apartment, however. It's my money. I don't care what my parents will say if they find out I'm taking from my Master's money, I don't need it right now. I want to buy this house with you. I want us to share things—everything, like you said about marriage and that bond."
"You scare me when you speak like that," Sara whispered.
You scare me when you speak like that; like the blazing orange sun; like the wild undulations of the waves; like the leaves falling off the trees; like the wind slapping cheeks; like a specter haunting a soul. Sara could sing it; could write it; could draw her, too. The inspiration rushed in full force, knocking the dullness of an old skin down; tying its ropes around the mind and the libido, scorching it, firing it, giving it a kiss of life.
"That's good," Tegan said. "Get used to it."
Sara didn't act on it. It was there, swaying and flinging the entire ride home. Tegan made the deal. She said she'd inform the woman whether they'll take the place or not within the next twenty-four hours. They were going to take it, Sara knew that, but Tegan liked to give some fake democracy, pretending she'd consult Sara again. Was Tegan always cunning or was Sara always sensitive? Tegan did cheat, but that was a different situation. Tegan teased, too…but she wanted to get closer to her. Tegan got what she wanted, Sara figured out. She got what she wanted and nobody stopped her.
Sara looked at Tegan's stiff posture while she drove back home. Should she tell her? No, Sara thought. A bath is great, she thought. A bath is nice, she thought. A bath would clean up the thoughts. What a wrong time, what an ugly time to be reminded that she had needs and they were pretty much welcoming themselves into her underwear. How sick, Sara thought. Harsh language and control turned her on, how strange. She laughed. She laughed alone but Tegan paid no attention.
She stripped naked just to try her luck. She stood in the room naked and needy. Grunts left Tegan's lips, and sighs of irritation added melody. Sara walked to the bathroom.
A bath is great, a bath is nice, Sara thought as she sat in the bathtub.
A haircut, a haircut, a haircut, Tegan's mind screamed. She walked around, not knowing what she wanted. It wasn't time to get a haircut. Shut the fuck up, Tegan's mind responded to itself. Goddamn it. It's the feeling, Tegan thought. It's the old feeling. It's anxiety.
Tegan took her clothes off. Shower, shower, shower, Tegan's mind demanded. Sara's in the bathroom, Tegan's mind responded.
"What you get married for if you don't want children?" Tegan's mind sang. "HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME," The Waste Land played in her head.
Was it wrong to call your mother when you were aroused? Sara asked herself. Yes. "No," Sara whispered as she pressed call. She tapped her fingers on the bathtub's edge. She wanted some answers.
"I felt so happy seeing your number," Evelyn said. "I hope everything's alright." The second sentence felt more like a question.
"Uh…yes." Why did she call again? Sara put her hand back inside the water. "Mum?"
"Yes, baby."
Don't call me that.
"I have a few questions."
"Ask ahead."
"How much money had dad left?" Was she a bad person? Was she bad for not even asking how her mother was doing? No, she was not because her mother did not care for years and years. She was not a bad person.
"A good amount, I guess. He left you some other stuff; the car and the house in St. Joseph Street. I couldn't touch those because he wrote in his will that they're for you only to do whatever you wanted with them, but I am using the car. I can sell it and send you its money, though. The other house was already mine, so I sold it.
"What?" Sara sat up straight in the water. "What house in St. Joseph Street? The one we lived in when I was young? We owned that?"
"He bought it back two months before he died. I guess…" Evelyn paused. Sara waited. "I guess it held some sentimental value. I mean, he was only able to gain some good money in his last three years. I'm still surprised he did something good."
Sara's fingers toyed with the water. The ropes untied themselves and the torch got cold till it stopped torching. "Did, umm, did dad love me?"
"I think he did," Evelyn said. "At least he loved you more than he ever loved me. You were the only reason he stayed, even after you left." That was just hard to believe.
"But he hurt me."
"I know."
Tegan entered the bathroom. HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME.
"I don't know him. I lived with him for thirty-four years and I didn't know when he was angry and when he was happy. He was moody. He…hurt me, a lot." Sara watched Tegan looking at her red face in the mirror. Tegan's back was red and everything about Tegan seemed red.
The chemist said it would be all right, but I've never been the same.
"Why did he leave all that for me? He never wanted to see me. He thought that I had cancer because I sinned," Sara interrupted Tegan's train of thoughts.
"I don't know," Evelyn said.
Tegan turned around. Her chest and face were red. Her eyes were dilated. Her nipples were hard.
The torch kindled itself inside the water.
Sara sighed. "I'm glad…I'm glad you're free from him now. I hope you're not lonely." She closed her eyes and shook her head. "And thank you for telling me. Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
"You didn't let me talk to you earlier," Evelyn responded. "I miss your face." Sara looked at Tegan again.
You are a proper fool, I said.
"Mum?"
If you don't like it you can get on with it, I said.
"Yes?"
I can't help it, she said, pulling a long face/ It's them pills I took, to bring it off, she said.
"I'll talk to you later. I have to take care of something."
"Oh," Evelyn said. "Okay."
"Bye." Sara slid the red button.
What you get married for if you don't want children?
Sara's mum on the phone. Sara in the bathtub. Shower, shower, oh stop…shower…shawwwweeeeerrrr. Stop, stop, stop. Sara in the tub. Sara in the tub. Sara naked in the tub. HURRY UP PLEASE ITS TIME. Stop with this poem. Stop. Shower. Cold shower. Relief. Relief. A haircut is good. I need a haircut. Sara was talking to her mum. She's angry. No, she's not. The house will be nice. Sara hates me probably. I'm a monster. Sara will never sleep with me. We're gonna break up soon. Sara's gonna leave me. Sara's gonna die. I will be a single mother. We won't get the house. Stacy will laugh. Stacy will mock Sara if I left. No, I won't leave. I don't leave. Sara will leave. Sara in the tub. Get out of there. I need you. I need you.
"What's wrong, Tegan?" Sara asked. "You seem tensed, more than usual."
"Because I am." Sara stared and admired.
"Why?" Sara's eyes gazed and watched. Something seemed different; alluring; attractive. Was it just her arousal? It felt great. She cupped her breasts and felt.
"I feel…I can't stop thinking and overthinking." Tegan closed her eyes. "That poem is stuck in my head. The stupid Waste Land, it won't leave. My mind…my mind keeps reciting, I'm like you. I'm like you right now."
Sara bit her lower lip. A moan rose underneath her tongue. "Put some clothes on so you won't get cold." Sara ogled the lower half.
"I'm so hot."
"Oh," Sara whispered. "That's weird."
"I think stopping the meds has something to do with it. I'm so…I have hot flashes. Look!" Tegan pointed at her chest. Sara was already looking there. "And, like, I'm already gaining boob weight. Fuck this. I have an appetite again. It's good but it's bad." Sara's finger reached down between her legs. Say it, she thought. Say it, voice it, do something, she thought. Sara felt the other type of wetness between her lips. "God," Tegan yelled. "I'm so hot, I'm so bothered, I'm soooo…" Tegan groaned.
"Come here," Sara said with a low octave.
"Are you okay?" Tegan raised her eyebrows.
"Come here. I know why you're like that." Sara squeezed her breast. "Come here. Stand…stand in front of my face."
"Oh." Tegan blinked. She looked down and saw Sara's hand in the water. "Really?" Tegan smiled.
"I haven't seen you smile for the past two days. Yes, really."
Sara didn't wait. Her hand palmed Tegan's ass. She took in the aroma that twisted all thoughts in her head and muted all the unnecessary screams. Her nose touched the swollen bud. Sara closed her eyes and took a breath. She could die right now, and she could die happily. She pushed her tongue past the saturated lips and fell into the river of sweetness. "That's a bath I'd like to take," she mumbled.
"Holy fuck," Tegan screamed. "Who are you?" She put her hand on the wall for leverage but her other hand clawed Sara's hair. "Oh, god," she screamed again. Sara's tongue was on a mission and Tegan was losing.
Sara kissed, licked, bit, then kissed again and licked again and bit again. The tip of her tongue twirled between Tegan's lips and poked the hood of her clit. Sara was fast and her moves were sudden. Tegan's oath to stay quiet as much as possible was forgotten, her promise to show gentleness to Sara's hair soon neglected, her intention to act like a human not an untamed animal be damned; Tegan could swear she was suffocating Sara and cutting off all her hair.
"Yes, like that, like that," Tegan cried. "Fuck, Sara…Sara."
Sara smiled. "That's how I like it." Sara helped Tegan to rest her left thigh on her shoulder. "I like it when you're loud." Sara reached for a swaying breast and caged it in her hand. "I want you to grind on my face, babe. I want your pussy in my face."
"I like it when you talk dirty to me…oh my God." Tegan breathed. Her hips were swaying back and forth. She could feel Sara's tongue doing wonders the way it had always done. Sara was skilled, she never lost her skills. Tegan didn't know how she doubted Sara's bed games. They were still as strong as ever. Sara still made her scream.
Sara took the swollen clit inside her mouth and felt the shuddering effect it had on Tegan. The pull was the prettiest part; Tegan's moan and Tegn's face were enchanting. Sara stared for several seconds until her student began grinding on her face again.
While Sara stiffened her tongue and pushed inside Tegan, her fingers slipped between Tegan's ass, stroking softly up and down till they stopped a Tegan's other hole. Tegan almost jumped up and down. She was laughing and moaning and Sara wanted to laugh, too. "So good, this is so good," Tegan screamed. "Inside, inside…push inside."
"Where inside?" Sara smirked. She knew, but she asked. "Your cunt or your ass?"
"Oh, God." Tegan breathed. "Don't fucking let go. Fuck my ass. Fuck, fuck." Tegan played with her own nipples. She was floating in her nirvana, not caring about her promises, not caring about how she smelled, looked, or sounded. She was so high on pleasure that everything else seemed silly. All her promises seemed silly. There was only sex, and sex was the president of her mind.
Sara moved her lover's juices around the hole. She could feel the muscles clenching and unclenching; Tegan craved to be fucked there. "You're so wet I could fuck your little pussy for days." Sara pushed her finger slowly, watching Tegan suck in her breath and close her eyes. "And make you come." Sara kissed Tegan's clit. Her pussy was twitching and convulsing, her lips were spread and her hole was trembling. "And get you more wet." Sara kissed again. Her index finger began to move inside Tegan's butt hole.
"Ahhh…Oh, god." Tegan looked down at Sara's smirking face.
"And I'd fuck you again, so hard, and so good and so well, and you'd cry for me to keep fucking you because you just love it." Sara's face returned again between Tegan's legs. She performed fast circles on Tegan's clit and fucked her ass softly and gently. She felt the spasms when Tegan started cussing and screaming. She was enjoying it.
"Fuck, fuck…yes, that's it. Sara, yes. Fuck, Sara…fuck me….fuck me, fuck me, fuck me…" A sudden silence quieted Tegan's shouts. Sara felt the shudder and saw the expression of pure pleasure on her lover's face. Sara laughed.
Soft, whiny whimpers left Tegan's mouth as she sat down in the tub, facing Sara. She laughed one minute and moaned the next. Sara played with the water. Her face was flushed, crimson, needy, and embarrassed. She sat up on the edge. She pushed her hair back. She spread her legs.
"Oh," Tegan whispered. "You…you want that?"
"Yes," Sara said.
"What do you want?" Everything looked swollen and pretty—everything pulled Tegan closer.
"Rub me and…finger me, too." Sara leaned back on the wall so she wouldn't fall off. Seductive smiles were exchanged. They kissed for a long time as Tegan played with Sara's body. Tegan touched Sara's breasts and Sara's clit. Tegan kissed her neck and pushed inside. Sara hissed.
"Is this okay?"
"Yes," Sara said. She pushed Tegan's face on her left breast. She didn't care about pain as long as pleasure existed. Tegan fingered Sara and made out with her. It was sensual and delicate at the same time.
"I'm gonna come. Can I come?" Sara spoke quickly.
"Come, baby." Tegan felt the soft walls tightening around her finger. She circled Sara's clit quickly and Sara came. It was fast, but it was nice.
"Thank you," Sara said. They both sat back in the water, sighing and laughing.
"That was good," Tegan muttered after a long sigh of content. Tegan yawned.
"Tiger," Sara teased. She touched Tegan's thigh with her foot. "That was animalistic."
"Shut up." Tegan massaged Sara's foot.
"Oh, that feels good." Sara closed her eyes. "Your mind is clear now?"
"Much better." It was better, yes, it felt better. It was cold, not the bad cold; the fresh cold; the nice breeze; the relaxing zephyr. She was going to buy the house, yes. Sara's rich, too. Sara's got money, too. Sara worried for nothing, Tegan thought. Or, maybe, she worried for things she should not worry about, like money. Death was what they were supposed to worry about; death; sickness; pain.
"I still have the sex toys," Sara said. "They're in my closet. We can use them if you want."
"The sex toys you've gotten when we were together?" At one point in the destruction she was dealing with, Tegan thought of the toys and of everything they shared together. Tegan was certain Sara had thrown the toys, had gotten rid of the teddy bear, had torn off the pages of her notebook, had erased every memory they shared.
"Yes," Sara said. "I didn't throw them away. They're still new."
Tegan laughed. The image of that dildo she hated popped up in her mind. She still hated it, not because it was big, but because it hurt Sara when she used it on her. Tegan shivered. She hated that day. "Can we not use the ugly dildo? You can throw it away or, I don't know, give it to Stacy, she probably needs to fuck herself and chill." Tegan then imagined Stacy with that toy in her and almost choked on her saliva.
"Ugh, that was stupid. I'm sorry," Tegan said again. She covered her face as she laughed. "That was really weird, what I said."
"It was…not shocking, considering you're Tegan." But Sara was a bit shocked. "I thought you like cock now."
Tegan wrinkled her nose. The way Sara used the language always surprised Tegan, it's like everything was a bit more crude or vulgar when she said it. Poetry felt more romantic, sad words felt sadder, but when Sara cussed, the words felt dirtier; more exposing.
"No," Tegan said, "I don't like cock." Sara snickered. "But you do."
"Guilty as charged." Sara shrugged. Her face was red and her smile was genuine. "Keep massaging." Tegan moved to Sara's right foot. Sara moaned.
"Sar?"
"Mmm."
"What do you like more? Penises or vaginas?"
"Is that like let's discover how much of a bisexual Sara is?" Sara hated these questions, even from Tegan.
"Yeah?" Sara sighed. "No?" Sara shook her head. "Ugh, I don't know. It's just, you know, I had sex with Jeremy and, yes, it was good when he went inside but when I saw his dick, like, God, I almost puked when I…you know, I did the thing, and held the thing, and like, I don't get turned on by seeing a penis, I just liked the feeling. Is it the same for you or is it different?"
"Honey, you're pretty much gay." Sara laughed. "Being bisexual is just hard. I don't fit in here or there. When I was with Jack I was basically labeled a heterosexual, everyone around me was a hetero, the entire culture was hetero, and it was uncomfortable because both he and I didn't really fit in."
"He's bisexual, too?" Tegan asked.
"No. He's as straight as an arrow, but he's, you know, he's Jack." Sara blushed. "He's different from the heterosexual men we encounter."
"I see." Tegan pursed her lips. He's jack, Sara said. He's Jack, Tegan thought. Fuck you, Jack, Tegan thought. Sara was blushing.
"Yeah and with lesbians, they just think I'm a scared, closeted lesbian who is a homophobe in some way, but I'm not. I like dick and I like pussy. I would blow a man and I'd go down on a woman. Although, I really enjoy eating a girl out more than, you know, sucking dick."
Sara talked crudely again. It was Tegan's turn to blush. "But, I guess, mostly, it depends on the mood I'm in. Sometimes I'm in the mood to look at pussy and pussy only, which is why Jack and I used to watch lesbian porn sometimes to get me turned on."
"Oh my God," Tegan whispered. She laughed loudly.
"Yeah." Sara chortled. "Yeah," she said again. "And sometimes I just wanna see…a cock, which is why we have that dildo." And why I delete my search history from every device I use, Sara thought. She didn't want to confuse Tegan more than she was.
"So, you like anal?" Sara asked.
"Oh, fuck off." Tegan stood up, laughing. "I'm gonna take a piss. Empty the water so we can take a quick shower, I'm getting cold."
"Yes, ma'am."
Sara had never been so inspired. Words flew out of her heart like cold, sweet water flowing from a river to a steam in a secluded forest. The words twittered in her brain like hummingbirds flying from a tree to another in that forest. Her mind was green; her heart was blue; her eyes saw the sun in Tegan's when they showered.
Tegan was so beautiful, sometimes Sara loved to admire her from afar; other times she loved to draw her. She was in that mood. She wanted to draw and write; she wanted to create for Tegan. Tegan's so beautiful, Sara thought. Her face was so beautiful, her eyes were so beautiful, the mole on the side of her cheek was so beautiful and the one on her stomach was adorable. Tegan was so hot, Sara felt lucky she was dating someone so sexy. Tegan was so young, too, and that worried Sara. She felt the pang when she remembered her old age. Sometimes she'd be so lost in good thoughts and one irritating thought would creep in all of a sudden and worry her, making her lose her concentration, making her focus on that thing that's not really important to care for, but it made her anxious. What's wrong? What's wrong? Oh, she's old. She's so old. Her beauty was fading. She looked at herself in the mirror and compared her face with Tegan's; she was aging. She looked at Tegan's brow, Tegan had no lines. She looked at Tegan's face, there were no wrinkles. There were some on her face and they were increasing.
She heard Stacy telling her mother that after menopause wrinkles would increase. She was in bed feeling like death that day, but her mum was asking Stacy about the symptoms the older woman was going through. Sara was listening because she had been going through these symptoms since she removed her womb. Would everyone notice that her face started to look weary without make up? Would her students notice? What about Tegan? Did she like her face? Her body? Her breasts? Oh God, not the breasts. They were so saggy now; full and nice but saggy. She hid them right away. She looked at Tegan's breasts; she frowned. She looked at her stomach, at Tegan's; she looked at her thighs, then Tegan's. She took a deep breath. She looked at Tegan's concerned eyes. Tegan was so pretty. Her eyes were so pretty, so charming, so scary at times.
What was she anxious about? She forgot. Oh wait, it's the age. No, no, Tegan wouldn't be annoyed with how she looked. Should she ask her? No, Tegan would deny. Maybe she should ask Stacy; Stacy gave her truth. But…what if Stacy thought she's insecure? Would Stacy be happy about that? No, Stacy wouldn't. Sometimes Sara felt that Stacy rejoiced her lack of confidence. She used to complain about it to her mother when she was young.
"She loves it. She loves seeing me so down so she can be the one making me feel better. She loves seeing me so helpless so she can be the hero that saves me." She was fourteen when she said that to her mother. Her mother was still unaware of their relationship, or lack of one; her mother was still unaware of their sexual communication.
"No," Evelyn said with laughter, "don't be silly, Sara. Stacy's your best friend, she loves you. You're just a little bit too self-conscious and paranoid so you feel like everyone's against you. Gotta quit that attitude, young lady. You don't wanna end up like me." She hated when her mother said that. Sara's mission in life was to end up the opposite of her mother, and at the end, her mother despised that. People's ways were strange; life was ironic.
Tegan walked back to the room, feeling too exposed and too uneasy; Sara's looks were uncomfortable. She left Sara with her own thoughts in the bathroom. When Sara thought, she built a wall of stone that isolated her from the closest person, and that was her own self. Sara was intimidating when she thought. Tegan hated when Sara was quiet, the opposite of that poem that said something like, like…Tegan forgot.
Sara followed her. Her eyes were still burning thousands of holes in Tegan's entire frame. Tegan wanted to grab clothes, get dressed, and go to bed quickly. Did she hurt Sara? Maybe it was like old times. Tegan exhaled. Sara was hiding and she was there but she was not there. Tegan hated that, she hated these eyes and that look and these thoughts and that quietude.
Oh…the poem went like that: I like you when you are quiet because it is as though you are absent,/ and you hear me from far away, and my voice does not touch you./ It looks as though your eyes had flown away/ and it looks as if a kiss had sealed your mouth.
No. Tegan didn't like that. Maybe Sara did. But no, quiet was…loud, not peaceful, not beautiful; it was violent, vicious, angry. Quiet was like hollering in an empty, rotten forest where nobody heard you but the stupid wind and the dying trees. Not even the birds were there, not even the sound of the water or the whistle of the air. Quiet was not likable.
"Don't dress," Sara said suddenly. It felt loud, rushed, as if she was about to save someone from crossing the road while a car was about to run them over.
Tegan turned around, holding her shirt. "What?"
"Don't get dressed just yet," Sara shyly said. "I feel quite inspired. I wanna draw you and write a bit about you. You know, I wanna…" Sara giggled, hiding her face.
"Oh." Tegan felt stupid, silly, and dramatic. "B…but, it's kinda cold."
"Oh," Sara said. "I just really wanna start this new thing. I wanna draw your naked body each month till you…give birth."
"I'm not pregnant yet." Tegan swallowed.
"I know." Sara laughed nervously. She took the shirt Tegan had in her hands and put it on. "I wanna see the changes with my drawing. Please." Sara sighed. "I want us to conceive soon."
"Sara, I'm not sure." Tegan sat on the bed. "Is that what you were thinking about in the bathroom while you were looking at my body?"
"Just like that, yes. Stay," Sara said. She adjusted Tegan's body. Tegan lay on the bed with her legs naturally spread without exposing much. "Tilt your head to the side. Yes, just like that." Tegan sighed.
"Draw me like one of your French girls." Sara laughed. "Why don't we just take pictures instead?"
"Nudes?" Sara smirked. "I'm afraid I'll end up using them for other purposes."
"You're nasty," Tegan mumbled. "Can you hurry? I'm cold and I feel too exposed."
Sara fetched her old notebook, which Tegan had put in the drawer of her nightstand. "Can I use it?"
"It's yours."
"Thank you," Sara murmured. Sara sat on a chair, facing Tegan. She opened a new page and took a breath. "I'm gonna use coal," she said to herself. She looked up at Tegan and smiled. "I was thinking about how beautiful your face and body are and how ugly and old mine probably are compared to yours." Sara blushed. She promised herself she wouldn't be this self-deprecating; she wouldn't tell; she wouldn't beg and plead for attention, but she did, and now Tegan was going to tell her to shut up and tell her how beautiful and charming she was, and it would satisfy her ego and she would feel better. How pathetic was that.
"The only thing old about you is your sight. Wear your glasses, babe." Tegan shook her head. Sara threw her head back in melodic laughter. "My body will probably be ruined forever after pregnancy so enjoy it while you can." Tegan slapped her thigh. "Ouch." Sara couldn't stop laughing. Tegan was also hilarious; she loved her so much.
"So I was thinking we'll start umm…June?" Sara bit her lip in anticipation.
"That's in two months." Sara nodded. "What about my wisdom teeth?"
Sara sighed. "Tegan, remove them next month."
"When are we going to get married? I don't want a wedding. Just a court wedding like we agreed."
"Soon. After you graduate, like you wanted."
"Everything is going too fast," Tegan whispered, pouting. "Don't you wanna at least enjoy this?" Tegan cupped one breast. "Before it gets too ugly and leaky and disgusting?" Tegan laughed. "Oh my God, I can't imagine me pregnant with leaky nipples and stretched vagina. Don't you wanna enjoy that before it gets too big?" Tegan pointed between her legs.
"You're so ignorant at times," Sara said playfully. "Nothing will be too big, don't worry. Everything will be back the way it was before, with slight beautiful changes. Look at my body, besides the saggy boobs, it's normal, you know."
"Your body's amazing," Tegan said. "You didn't have a natural birth. You want me to have a natural one, even though I don't want to."
"It's easier, trust me. I kinda had both at the same time. She didn't want to come out, so they took her out with a c-section." Sara cleared her throat. Tegan didn't want to talk more about Alice.
Sara moved her hand on the paper, drawing, editing, gazing. "Anyway, it's too early to discuss that," Sara mumbled. The thought of it made her stomach churn. It felt too good to be true at times. It felt too scary to think about. She worried Tegan would get as hurt as she had been. "So are we good on June? Because we have to find a donor."
"Alright." Tegan felt nauseous all of a sudden.
Tegan couldn't sleep at all. Sara was fast asleep, and she was peacefully snoring. Was she always going to stay like that? Was she always going to say yes when she meant to say no? She would have talked about the argument they had in the afternoon while they were at that house. She shouldn't have forgotten about it, she shouldn't have ignored it. Why did she act as if things didn't happen?
June, June—June felt too close. What about her life? Her career? That could wait, right? Right. She sighed. She turned around and looked at Sara. Sara was mumbling incoherent words in her sleep. Was she happy? Was Sara happy? Yes, she was happy. Seeing Sara healthy made her happy. She stroked Sara's hair. She hummed for her to stop talking in her sleep.
She felt hungry. They didn't have anything to eat. How did Sara forget? Her stomach growled. Sara slapped her face with the back of her hand. Sara was shifting and moving in her sleep. Sometimes she wished she'd tie Sara's arms to the headboard. This had been the third time this week she'd been hit by Sara while Sara was asleep. Two nights before Tegan woke up at dawn finding her body close to the edge of the mattress, squeezed by Sara's frame. Her stomach growled again. Sara wouldn't stop talking.
"What are you even dreaming of?" Tegan whispered. "Are you dreaming about World War or something? Seems wild."
"Yeah, yeah," Sara said in her sleep. "Just give me these." That was the only thing Tegan could grasp from the mumbling.
"Sara." Tegan shook Sara's arm. "Sara, wake up."
"Mmmm." Sara groaned.
"Wake up. I'm hungry." Tegan rolled over on top of her lover. She knew she was probably annoying her, but she thought maybe Sara would think it's adorable. "Make me food."
"Are you serious?" Sara languidly said with her eyes still closed. Tegan kissed Sara's jaw. "Tegan," Sara moaned.
"I'm very, very hungry. We didn't eat." Tegan sat up, straddling Sara's hips. "Wake up." Tegan began to bounce. "Wake up." She giggled.
"Tegan." Sara opened her eyes. "Are you hungry or horny?"
"No, I'm hungry," Tegan said. "I'm riding you like a horsie so you'll get up."
"Like a horsie?" Sara guffawed. "You're adorable." Tegan succeeded. She sent a gummy smile Sara's way. "I can't believe you woke me up because you're hungry."
"It's the weekend. We can sleep whenever we want." She leaned down kissing her lover's rose-colored lips. "Plus, would you want little Teetee to stay hungry?"
"Of course I wouldn't." Sara smiled.
They went to the kitchen. Sara decided she would fry some chicken nuggets. She really didn't want to be in the kitchen in that hour, but Tegan was hungry. She didn't want to tell Tegan to go make her own food because that felt mean. She didn't want to be mean towards Tegan. She looked back at Tegan, who was bending down and playing with her hair.
"What the fuck are you doing?" Sara said. "No…don't do that in the kitchen." Tegan was shaking her hair and ruffling it. "Do you have lice?"
Tegan sat up straight. She looked like Tarzan, Sara thought. Yes, Tarzan. "I have dandruff." Tegan yawned. "I have to get a haircut. Will you cut my hair?"
"Me?" Tegan nodded. "I might ruin it for you."
"You won't. I just need it cut. Like, right now."
"Now?"
"Yes, now. After food. Please."
"Why don't you go to the hairdresser, Tegan? I'm not the best at giving haircuts."
"Hell no," Tegan said. "I'm not paying to get a haircut. If I got the scissors why not do it at home?"
"You know, you're pretty cheap for a rich bitch," Sara said.
"Rich bitch." Tegan snorted. "Nice, nice."
Sara pulled a chair to the bathroom and told Tegan to sit on it. She grabbed the scissors and the comb. She was shivering, not because she was scared she'd mess up Tegan's hair (she knew she would), but because a sudden wave of chilliness hovered over her. She remembered she was only wearing a shirt.
"I'll be right back," she whispered. On her way back to the room, she felt dizzy. She sat on her bed for a few seconds. She put on her robe and walked back to the bathroom. "Felt cold and dizzy all of a sudden."
"Oh." Tegan furrowed her brows. "Maybe because you're sleepy." Sara nodded. "I'm so sorry." Sara smiled unconvincingly. Tegan watched her lover cut her hair lazily.
"So, are you getting a haircut because you're seeing Emy tomorrow?" Sara asked. The thought had been dancing inside her head for the past hour. No, it was not dancing, it was jumping. Yes, jumping, leaping, kicking, and bouncing. Emy was back, how unlucky Sara felt. Emy didn't cause a threat, but she was Emy; the girl that loved her lover.
Tegan raised one eyebrow. "Yes, definitely. It's for Emy. I want her to see how fucking hot I am." Tegan rolled her eyes.
"Oh, I'm sorry." Sara laughed, a bit relieved; a bit unsettled. "I just get these umm, you know, I get, umm, jealous."
"It's your right," Tegan mumbled. "Are you gonna get a haircut?"
"You hate my hair?" Sara stopped working. She touched her locks and frowned.
"I love your hair. I'm just not used to it this long."
"It makes me look old, doesn't it?" Sara sighed.
"No, no. Oh my God, I'm such an idiot." Tegan sighed. "No, Sara. I really love your hair. It was just a random question. I don't know why I asked it. I get a bit random when I'm sleepy." Sara didn't believe her.
…
Tegan took a look at herself in the mirror; that was not bad, she thought. Sara cupped her mouth and laughed. "I'm so sorry. Shit. I'm so sorry," she kept mouthing and laughing.
"Are you kidding? I fucking love it. That's so fucking cool." She had wanted a strange haircut since she was in high school, but her hairdresser never absorbed that. "Fuck, I wanted this since ever. It's like half a mullet, half a bob. I don't know, man. I love it."
"It's like a grown out mullet, yes." Sara brushed the hair off her lover's face. "I think I gave you my dad's haircut when he was your age," Sara mumbled.
"Yes. My dad had that haircut, too. And a beard. It was nice. I looked at his pictures and wanted it when I was five."
"I had a mullet when I was five," Sara said. "Dad gave me the haircut. I guess we have more in common than I'd like to admit."
Tegan smiled genuinely. "That was nice of him," Tegan said. "The car and the house, I mean."
"Oh." Sara chuckled. "I guess, yes."
"It doesn't mean he was a good person." Tegan paused. "But maybe he realized it a bit later."
"Yes." Sara looked down.
Tegan brushed Sara's own hair. She held her face, looking at her sad eyes. "I'm happy that your mother is...trying."
"Me, too."
"If you wanna talk about it, Sara, I'm here." Tegan kissed her. Sara smiled during the kiss. Relief finally sat in.
"Yes. Thank you." Sara blushed.
…
Five in the afternoon, the weather was amazing, April was good this year, but Sara felt immensely cold. She protected her tired body in her coat and walked to where her friend was sitting. She saw the kids playing. She saw Ella playing. Ella smiled and waved. Sara smiled and waved, too. Stacy looked back at Sara. Sara smiled and waved again.
Sara sat down next to her friend in the park. She sighed as soon as she sat. Something felt quite unnatural. She shivered.
"Is it cold or it's just me?" It was strange for her to feel cold.
"It's a bit chilly, yes. I hope Ella's not too cold." Stacy looked at Sara. "How are you?"
"Good. I feel a bit sluggish."
"You seem a bit tired." Stacy noticed the bags underneath her friend's eyes. She hadn't seen them since she had first moved to Montreal. "Where's Tegan?" Did they fight? Stacy wondered. Maybe they've been having sex, she thought.
"I dropped her off at her friend's," Sara said. "I woke up this morning not feeling very active. I guess I've stressed myself out this past week."
"I'm sorry." Stacy didn't know what else to say. "You found a house?"
"Yes. In Westmount." Sara chuckled. "Rich bitch wants this house and no other." Sara sighed. "I'm the only one who can call her that, alright?" she said.
Stacy nodded. "How are you gonna pay?"
"We both are going to pay." Some people struggle to pay a room's rent and some people are living in the best area in town, Stacy thought. Where did I go wrong? she wondered. "Do you think I need a haircut?" Sara asked.
"No, you're fine," Stacy said. "Just don't let it grow to your ass like you did in high school." Sara laughed. "So she's with that friend she slept with?"
"And Emy." Sara sighed. Maybe that's why she felt strange and bothered, Sara thought. She didn't want to feel that way, but she felt it.
"So you're okay that she's with the man she slept with and the woman she cheated on you with? Wow, you're so fucking easy." Stacy shook her head.
When challenged, Sara attacked. "Excuse me?" She looked at her friend with vexed eyes. "Are you even hearing yourself right now?"
"I just don't want you to get hurt, Sara. That's why you're probably so fucking stressed out. You know it, don't deny it. You're worried. I know you."
"I just wish you'd stop assuming you know me better than me." Sara shook her head. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry. She took a breath. Her head hurt. She closed her eyes as a new wave of pain hit the left side of her head. What was happening? "We slept together for years and here I am with you. Tegan doesn't think anything of it."
"Because she trusts you and trusts me. She knows I won't make a move on you."
"Because you didn't try," Sara said sarcastically. She shook her head. That was ridiculous, she thought.
"You weren't with her. I was desperate. I thought maybe I had a chance." Stacy puffed. Ella watched the two women arguing. She stopped playing and watched with squinted eyes.
"Glad to know I'm an option of fulfillment to your desperation."
"I didn't mean it that way."
Sara didn't say anything. Everything seemed pointless. Everything seemed silly. Her day was bad. She woke up in the morning feeling like she needed to sleep for ages. Tegan talked to the landlord of the house and arranged everything with her. Sara couldn't even read a book because reading felt like a heavy task. She thought by going to the park and enjoying the company of her friend she'd feel refreshed—she was wrong.
…
Making up with your friends was the greatest feeling that Tegan hadn't appreciated till now. She missed them; she missed hanging out with her friends. She missed talking to them, laughing with them, drinking with them, and smoking with them. However, none of her friends smoked anymore. She certainly didn't even think about weed until Jeremy joked about getting it.
"No weed. No whiskey. I'm healthy, I'm clean. I'm better," Emy said. "I'm better." Tegan smiled when Emy smiled at her.
"I'm happy you're in a better place now. I really am," Tegan said.
"I'm happy you are healthy now. You look like my friend Tegan, not this very unhealthy-looking, pale kid who fainted everywhere," Emy said.
"I'm happy you guys are friends again. It was torturous for me, you know," Jeremy said.
"Loss is…" Emy chuckled. "I guess you really never know what you got until it's gone. I didn't…I didn't know that." Loss was a topic Tegan didn't want to dive into. It was too murky of a subject; too dark; too scary; too dingy. Sara came into mind. Sara and loss were connected everywhere inside Tegan's head. Sara and loss were always together; when she thought of one, came the other. "My brother's death really awakened me. I don't want to hold grudge, to hate, to waste time sobbing and crying. I don't want to waste time killing myself with drugs and alcohol."
"I'm proud of you," Jeremy said.
"I am, too," Tegan added.
"Thank you, guys." Emy looked down at her lap then looked up at Tegan and said, "So tell me, when are you going to be Mrs. Clement?"
…
The longer her eyes stayed open, the dizzier she felt. Noises, lots and lots of noises surrounded her. Cars honked and Tegan talked about her wonderful day with her friends. The lights in the streets felt too bright on her sensitive eyes. She could feel the beating of her heart increase. She could feel the nausea building a home inside her stomach. Something was not right. It felt like the more she drove, the further her apartment was.
She breathed. She took a breath after the other. She knew her vision was getting blurry. She was there. She just needed to park and go up to her room. Her chest tightened and her breath shortened. She parked. She sat there.
Air, air felt good. Yes, air felt nice. Though cold it was, but it made her see. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her heart stopped racing. Tegan's voice was clear now.
"Sara?" Tegan asked. "Are you okay?"
"Mmm," Sara moaned. "I just need some air."
"It's cold, Sara. Let's get inside." Tegan's nose was red and her lips were trembling. Sara nodded and walked inside the building. The bright light hit her. Not again, she thought. She closed her eyes in the elevator. Something was spinning. She was spinning.
"Sara?" Sara looked too unaware of her surroundings. Tegan felt that she had been talking to herself in the car. She thought Sara felt jealous. Sara was not answering. "Sara, what's going on? Did I upset you?" Sara only groaned.
Tegan followed Sara into the apartment. Sara walked to the bathroom. Sara touched the walls as she slowly walked. Something felt strange. "Sara?" Tegan repeated. "Sara, are you okay?" Her voice started to shake.
Sara leaned in front of the basin and washed her face. "Sara, is Ella okay? Stacy? Is she sick? Your mum? Is everything alright? Did I do something wrong? Please tell me, Sara." Tegan started to cry. Sara looked at her with small eyes. Sara's face had gone ghostly pale. Tegan's eyes widened. "Did something happen at the university? Did we get in trouble? Sara, you're scaring me, pl…" Sara hit the floor at once. "Sara," Tegan shouted. "Sara, Sara. Oh my God."
What happened? What happened? She could feel her tears and she knew she was screaming. Sara was pale—too pale. Her lips were almost white. No color was in her face, only sweat, so much sweat. Tegan screamed and Sara didn't hear a thing. "Sara, Sara, Sara. Sara, please wake up. Please don't hurt me. Please wake up. Sara, Sara, Sara. Sara, I will die. Please wake up, Sara." There was nothing to do but to cry and scream. Tegan didn't know what to do because she felt that her own body had given up on her. It felt like she was in a maze, searching for Sara, but at the end Sara was not there and it was all a scheme.