Her feverish skin reverberated through her as she took steady steps on creaking wood. She held her phone in one hand, peering at the flashy screen. Her short journey to the bathroom where Tegan was taking a shower—as she had informed half an hour earlier—was accompanied by boggling thoughts, a portion of questions that continued from the early hours of the day when she was back home from the hospital.
She had revealed excessive emotional vulnerability in the past couple of months. She was supposed to be the one with the mental and emotional strength for both herself and Tegan. She was supposed to be the captain of the ship, in charge of embarking, sailing, and knew how to reach the right directions. Yet, she was only a fish in the ocean. And her girlfriend was another fish, a smaller one, an unsure one, a scared one. Scared, yes, Sara knew. She was scared, too.
There were different moments of trepidation in her life and they all did not compare to this moment she was so sure of, yet frankly unable to settle since her health did not promise a bright future. Well, there was her first day at school and she thought she had never been as scared. Her mum held her little hand and kissed both of her cheeks. Sara didn't cry when she sat in class, without Stacy (since she was in a different class, so was her cousin Audrey); deadpan, she watched her mother waving with a smile before leaving. When her mother left, she expressed a sigh of relief. She gazed around at the students sitting in Ms. McGuire's class. Overwhelmed by the number of kids she didn't know, she began to cry. She refused to admit it to her mother when she picked her from school. Years later she knew her mother was informed but pretended as if she hadn't known. That explained the smothering affection she received from the woman that day, spoiling her with sugary treats and kind kisses on her flushed face till she tucked her in bed, reading her favorite story and wishing her a good night.
Those days were gone as soon as Sara began to see this suffocating overprotectiveness of her mother as a strict law that stood against her freedom. Accepting the change was birthing an entirely new human being to the mother; it was difficult, harsh, unpleasant. Now Sara knew her mother was scared and if she was in her place she would be scared, too. Although, she wouldn't stand against that change and repress it, she would let it float around her in chaotic motions like particles of vaporizing gas. She promised herself when she was carrying that her daughter would never see the face her mother had shown her.
Living under the roof of her parents and being surrounded with an ignorant father and a mother dealing with various kinds of phobias, Sara was always scared to take new steps. She was often rewarded for the grades she had gotten but also often punished for her behavior. Fright and monstrous panic hit her hard when she was caught with her best friend, watching her father accusing his wife of terrible breeding and unnecessary spoiling, which—according to the father—made Sara an irresponsible, careless atheist. Till this day Sara couldn't process the relation between all these.
She was never scared with Jack, with marrying Jack, or starting a family with him. She was scared of the departure because she loved him. God, she loved him. It broke her heart even though she was the one who suggested the split. Maybe in her heart she thought Jack would chase her and promise to love her better. Maybe she thought he would realize that once she left, he would want her back. But she was fatuously mistaken. She cried for years until Tegan appeared. She was not even scared of being ill or dying, but when she knew she loved Tegan with maddening intensity, she had to push her away because she was…scared. Till this day they were paying the price. She honestly thought she would die.
But now she's scared of the future and it felt strange because she did sense some type of anxiousness regarding this matter in her teens, but never again. Sharing a life with someone who was just starting to experience the sham that life is made her rethink her choices and options. Well, in the future, what would happen? Would she die? Of course, everybody died. The ghost of her mind screeched with dirty smirking teeth: It's the law of life. What about Tegan? What about the child she craved to conceive? Tegan couldn't be a single mother. God, she hoped her life would be prosperous, but not prosperous enough to see her lover die before her. She wanted to die before Tegan because, with honesty seeping like cold water on dry skin, she could not bear the loss of Tegan. Never fucking again.
And what if Tegan couldn't get pregnant, too? What if they had to go through the same torturous process she had been through? She made sure Tegan's body was perfectly functioning when she took her to get checked up. She didn't tell Tegan that, but it was part of her mental plan. She wanted to make sure her lover's body was ready for such laborious matter. Not only that, but with the fatigue the younger woman had conveyed, Sara could never let her take this step. She would wait till her lover was full of health and ability till she proceeded with her wishes. She would adopt, Sara thought. Adoption would be her last option. What would she do? She truly wanted a biological offspring and this was taken away from her. Now she wanted to have her lover's offspring and if this couldn't happen, then she would adopt. It's not like she was the actual mother of Tegan's child. She's basically adopting him or her, as well.
These thoughts had to be interrupted because she reached her destination. The white door stood in front of her but she didn't hesitate to turn the knob and enter, holding her phone as if she had stumbled upon a rare diamond in her balcony and had to show it to Tegan before something happened to the precious stone.
The drizzle of the water echoed from behind the closed shower curtain. "Tegan, Tegan," Sara hollered. The body of her lover shadowed from behind the thin, almost transparent peach-colored material. A swift movement all it required to get the curtain out of the way.
"Jesus, fuck," Tegan gasped breathlessly. "You scared the shit out of me." Sara jumped when her lover did. A flushed face and a pink chest under the hot streaming water met Sara's eyes. A giggle soon to erupt stopped before leaving her throat when realization hit her. Tegan's hand twitched and fiddled on her sides as water ran on her alabaster skin.
Harbored a smile behind a blank, unknowing face, Sara decided to act like her mother when she had cried her first day of school; she pretended as if she wasn't aware of what Tegan was doing in her hour of privacy. That's why she took long showers and was often exhausted after them, Sara concluded. She nibbled on her lower lip, holding her phone to her girlfriend's perplexed eyes. "Why did your mum add me on Snapchat?" she pronounced horrifically, remembering the puzzlement that struck her upon seeing the strange request.
"Are you serious?" Tegan grabbed the avocado and olive oil shampoo and poured a handful in her palm. "I don't know, she wants to see your snaps, thinking you post stuff, I guess." Tegan closed her eyes as she washed her hair. Foam scattered on top of her head and in the tub. Sara closed the toilet seat and sat there. If she left, Tegan was going to continue what she was doing. She wanted to remind Tegan that she was there and perfectly capable to attend to her needs whenever the younger woman desired. "Or she wants to spy on me through you," Tegan continued after a momentary pause.
"Or she wants to spy on me," Sara suggested. She adjusted her white shirt, lifting it up till she exposed her full thighs. Her eyes were at level with Tegan's lower half. Swollen and purplish in pigment, Tegan's vulva exposed what Tegan had been doing. Still, Sara didn't say anything despite the annoyance that lived within her.
"Yeah," Tegan muttered. She squeezed Sara's new body wash on her loofah; it smelled of tropical fruits and made her body as smooth as marble. "Are you gonna watch me clean myself?"
"I can't?" Sara asked gently. "You take too long, what were you doing all this time?"
"Uh, well, thinking about…" Tegan stammered as she washed her stomach. "Just thinking about life and all, you know, I like to do that in the shower. Don't you do that?"
"Sometimes," Sara whispered. "What were you thinking of?"
"The house," Tegan replied instantly, as if she had the answer prepared. She bent down rubbing the loofah on her knees and all parts of her legs.
"Why don't you talk to me so we can think of these things together?"
"I can't have private thoughts?" Intense eyes glanced at Sara, the younger woman looked up with obvious irritation.
"I'm sorry." Sara looked at her pale thighs, scolded for her clinginess. "I know I am a burden at times but I…I desire your company as much as possible. I wish to hear your thoughts and dive into your brain because I'm just…"
Tegan rinsed her body off. Water, getting cold in temperature, cascaded down her skin. Sara looked at her from the periphery. "You're just?" Her voice was delicate, almost pitiful.
"Really love you." Feeling foolish, Sara gazed at her fiancée, brow red with embarrassment and ears inflamed. "I'm a cliché, but I fucking love you so much and I would love to know whether you are happy or not, satisfied or not, bothered or not, feeling angry, hurt, or annoyed…Tegan, I love your company. I'm sorry I don't give you the privacy you wish, but I am scared of being alone at times."
A look of uncertain worry seemed to mask Tegan's face. She had a surprisingly calm countenance. She was not smiling nor frowning. She was thinking, Sara presumed. She closed the faucet and grabbed her towel, drying her body and prolonging Sara's mental misery. Why didn't she say anything? She scared her off, didn't she? She was going to run away or shout or burst or what? What was going to happen?
"Speak to me. Why do you never speak. Speak.
"What are you thinking of? What thinking? What?
"I never know what you are thinking. Think."
"Sara." Tegan sighed. Her voice was tender and sweet, pulling Sara out of her agonizing Wasteland thoughts. "I love you so much." Tardily, she paced closer to Sara. The tiny pupils of Sara's eyes carefully scanned the petite body approaching her. Her breath hitched when her lover held her face with her damp hands. "Sometimes I am just a bit grumpy, you know me."
Wet curls dripped on Sara's thighs. When Tegan's hair was pushed back like that, it made her lover look attractively masculine. Even when Tegan smiled goofily, showing gums more than teeth, with this hair and this jaw of hers, she looked like the boys Sara had imagined sleeping with in middle school—adorable, handsome, and sexy.
"Do you have any idea how…how clingy I am when it comes to you, or, like, anyone I love to be around?"
"No." Sara looked at the warm golden flakes around the dark speck of her lover's eyes. She pulled her closer with an absentminded tug when her hands pinched the white towel on both sides. "You're never clingy to me. I wish you are clingier. I wish you are always accompanying me till I am sick and bored of you." Sara grinned when her lover blushed with flattery. "However, Ms. Rain, I believe I cannot get sick nor bored of you. I've never loved this violently that I don't wish a minute away from you. It's maddening, isn't it? Can you feel it?"
"I think I can," came the answer, instant and without doubts. However, the face was clearly astounded for Sara could see the frightful search in those eyes that dimmed all of a sudden.
"I wish you would speak to me about your fears and desires without having to keep them to yourself. I may be able to help," Sara suggested kindly, watching the subtle flutter in the eyes. Studying these features carefully made her notice the concealed irritations and subtle uncertainty.
"What do you mean?" Tegan's voice was quiet and low, almost daring. Her hands had descended, loosely gripping Sara's shoulders.
"Why didn't you ask me to give you a helping hand that would guide you to your pleasure?" The student's head perked up, redness gradually smudging her face. "I am your fiancée, that's part of my…job." Sara's lip was bitten, rejoicing the embarrassment emitting from Tegan.
"Uh…how did you?" Tegan felt like laughing but also crying. Few were the moments of such embarrassment these days. Somehow Sara was able to bring back that eighteen year old feeling within her gut—that warm feeling when Sara took her clothes off in the darkness while she was trying to cover her unseen body. How was this woman able to bring her back to feel so small and inexperienced with few words? What happened to the confidence she was proudly clad in these days? "How did you know?"
"I know you in precise details, my darling."
Why do you speak like that? She wanted to ask. It turned her on and made her feel like a little girl. She fucking loved it. "I am…" she couldn't pronounce how ashamed and embarrassed she felt. So what? She was giving herself some pleasure. It was a private moment that Sara always said it's quite healthy to practice on one's own.
A high pitched scream slipped out of the younger woman's lips when the older one pulled her down on her lap. Tegan's eyes went wide when her wet folds touched Sara's exposed skin, while Sara smirked with relished wickedness; her observation proved to be correct. "Your pussy change in size and color when you are insanely aroused."
Sara's husky voice was slowly shredding her self control. "You pay attention," she commented quietly.
"Of course I do. You have a beautiful pussy. I have to pay attention to know what you like and don't like. I have to pay attention to draw, too." Sara's hands pulled the towel down. It fell on the floor and Sara kicked it with her foot. "Why didn't you tell me? You seem quite aroused." Sara looked down at her thighs, moistened lips and an engorged clit pressed on them.
"I didn't want to bother you." That was only one reason, the other was her sheepishness. She couldn't ask Sara to fuck her. It felt too much for Sara who had been out of the hospital this morning. They had quick sex the night before…well, technically, she had quick sex the night before…with Sara's fingers. There was the proposal that made communication rather awkward in the morning. Somehow they both had forgotten about it for now.
"Bother me?" Sara's brows went high up her forehead.
"Yes." Tegan swallowed. The feeling was too marvelous. She wanted to use the thigh she hugged with her legs as a way to relieve the pressure building there. "You've just been out of the hospital. I don't want to upset you, too. I don't want to be selfish."
"Selfish?" Sara hugged her waist with warm hands, pulling her closer. "Tegan, I feel immense pleasure when I give my lover pleasure. I do indeed enjoy giving as much as getting, don't you?"
"I do," Tegan rushed to say. "Honestly, only you." She cocked her head slightly to one side, giggling sheepishly. "I mean, you're the only one I have enjoyed pleasing…I guess, because you're the only one I have ever loved." A high pitched laugh was radiated in the silence of their small home. Sara was smiling merrily; her cheeks blossomed with dark pinkness. "When we first dated…back then, I mean…when I, you know, gave you pleasure it always felt like, wow, I'm giving Sara Clement a good time and she's moaning my name. It was like, you know, pleasing a goddess. I swear, it was magical. I felt like…like wow, what the fuck, I have this insanely beautiful, delicate, hot, and dominant woman in my hands and I'm making her scream and shake and she looks even more beautiful doing it. I really, really felt like I was doing a goddess."
"What about now?" Sara uttered lowly.
"I mean, I still feel it, but I guess I'm more used to you now. Like, right now, I know you're a human and you have your weaknesses and strengths. Right now, I know you, you're my lover, my fiancée, soon will be the mama of my baby…like, you know, you're with me…and yeah."
"These words make me so happy." Lips red and abused from overbiting, Sara didn't hesitate to add her flavor when she pulled the younger woman closer, kissing her with heated passion that the student had stirred up with her words.
Unconsciously, Tegan began rocking herself on Sara's thighs. The professor smiled through the kiss. She tugged gently on Tegan's bottom lip, asking for entrance, which she was allowed immediately. Sara's hands flew up to the breasts close to her own covered chest. She palmed the two small mounds and kneaded them with gentle care.
It didn't seem that her lover had been asking for gentleness when her tongue moved past Sara's jaw and found her supple neck. Tegan sucked with enthusiasm and pronounced lust. Sara's right thigh, on which Tegan undulated her hips, was smeared with thick heady juices. She could only hear her own soft moans as Tegan took one spot of her neck between two lips and sucked hungrily. Her eyes looked heavenward as she felt her left breast in Tegan's palm.
Tegan craned her neck and looked up at her lover with a coy smile. "That's why I…" she let go of Sara's breast and stopped moving. "That's why I didn't tell you. I was trying to find self control. I really don't think I can…when I'm with you. I don't want you to feel upset."
"What do you want?" Sara asked huskily, she was still touching Tegan's breasts.
"You know."
"No." Sara shook her head, giving one breast a tender squeeze. "I really don't get what you mean."
Tegan swallowed. "I guess I just wanted something to fill me…I was embarrassed to ask. I thought a shower would wash it off. It didn't really, so I started fingering myself, because it's better than nothing and I didn't want to be grumpy all day because I'm horny. It's like…like I'm fourteen or something." Tegan cackled loudly. Sara was staring at her with a soft smile. "But, like, I was not like that when I was fourteen. I wasn't really a horny teenager, do you know that? I think I told you that before." Sara nodded while she laughed amusingly. "It all hit me as soon as I turned twenty, it's a late reaction."
"It'll hit you more in your thirties." Sara brushed back wet dark strands of hair. Cheeks, so soft, were traced with the tip of her fingers. "How about we take it to the bedroom, my love?"
"Umm…yeah. I mean, Sara, what…what are we gonna do?"
"Come on." Sara took her by the hand and they both walked out of the bathroom.
Two hearts drummed loudly in the silence of the apartment they shared. Sara could understand where Tegan was coming from, but she didn't want Tegan to suppress her needs just because Sara's own needs were forced away by nature. She had an idea, though it was a tad unnerving. However, she could feel that's what her lover craved solely by the amount of saturation she had left on her thigh.
Tegan sat on the mattress with awaiting eyes and an anxious smile. She hugged herself and Sara wasn't sure if she was cold or felt shy. Her face was raging with redness and her eyes were as innocent and timid as a child's.
"It should be here somewhere," Sara mumbled with a soft chuckle. "Oh, yeah." She opened the fourth drawer in her dresser. Tegan's head perked up, eyes searching in sync with Sara. Sara lifted up a pile of nightwear and pajamas, finding what she had stashed under when she moved back here. Tegan gasped. Sara twisted her neck, giving a comforting smile. She pulled the black leather harness in one hand and picked the flesh-colored phallus in the other. "This should do, Teetee."
"Oh my…" Tegan laughed, it was rather cute, like a nervous little girl laughing. Sara already started removing her white shirt. "This is…oh, wow. Yeah, okay, umm, I…"
"No?" Sara faced her student with red and white polka dotted underwear. Tegan thought it was adorable. She didn't mind a dildo, she needed it. But she would always prefer something smaller and less real looking. However, after being with Jeremy it didn't offend her that much. She knew, though, that Sara had another toy stashed there. She saw it, and if she hadn't seen it, she still remembered it.
"No, I mean…yeah, yeah." She was aware that her fidgety attitude was confusing her lover. She couldn't help it. It was who she was. She was nervous, most of the times. She usually puked due to anxiousness. She couldn't make up her mind when she was put in a situation that put some color in her cheeks and caused her heart to speed in restless throbs. It never really went away. Her school days…boy, they were horrible. Just plain atrocious. Her university days, well, those were better, except when she was around Sara. And now she was actually marrying the woman, and she still made her feel like a leaf flailing in the air after falling off a tree. "What about the other one? The purple one? It's more Tegan friendly."
"In size?"
"Perhaps…I mean, maybe, I don't know. Or color?" Tegan's legs were swaying back and forth in quick motions; her fingers scratched her left ear involuntarily.
"Oh…uh…" Sara looked at the closed drawer. "I don't think I can put the other side inside of me. Wait, let me…" Flushed and embarrassed, Sara inserted her right hand in her underwear to examine. "No…I don't think I can." She swallowed.
It happened, she made her upset. Why was she insanely dumb when it came to this? She didn't want to make her feel awful about her situation, yet she somehow did. How fucking stupid, Tegan thought. Selfish, her mind reprimanded. "Oh my god. I forgot, I forgot it has two ends. Fuck, I forgot."
"Tegan, Tegan…relax." Sara walked up to her. "I would do it with my hand but I really do want to fuck you." The way she said it was intensely sensual, how could Tegan even refuse the offer? "And look at you while doing it." Sara's hand grazed the pale skin of her cheek again. "And feel your body against mine while I push inside you. I've been yearning to do this, my darling."
She's been yearning to feel it as well; coveting the sensation since Sara had appeared in her life once again. She remembered…they hadn't had a peaceful moment of sexual serenity while using this object. The two times were rushed, full of anger, full of misery, full of tears and pain. The two times were not happy times. She couldn't feel it fully, she couldn't enjoy it.
"Okay, yeah. I want it."
"Are you sure?" Sometimes she felt too pushy, too needy, too demanding, even when it concerned Tegan. She didn't want to sound like that, especially in this situation. Sexual comfort and consent was on top of her list. She wanted to do this, even if she was hesitant at first. Now she wanted it. But she didn't want Tegan to feel forced. "Tegan? Look at me, are you sure?"
"I am positive." Small hands brushed lovely hips, slowly sliding down the thin material that covered her lower half. Sara kicked her underwear with her foot and it landed in the middle of the carpeted room.
Hands fidgeted quickly to strap the harness around a petite waist, Sara watched Tegan as she lay on her own pillow. "I want it sweet, but also rough," Tegan said. She pushed her body beneath the heavy duvet. Sara nodded. Sweet but also rough. She could do that, of course she could.
Tegan's skin was burning beneath hers when she positioned herself on top of the smaller woman. Her breaths were also hot, hitting Sara's neck as Sara kissed the face below her with utter tenderness. Tegan felt the kisses, the emitting heat from two bodies melting in each other's embrace, and the hardness of the phallus between her legs. A duvet protected them, dimmed the lights, erased the awkwardness of unnecessary words, but also stirred an emotion, or, rather, a novel feeling of intimacy. A domestic intimacy. Sara could feel the connection, the normalcy she always searched for. She felt the warmth in her lower abdomen. Tegan, as if she was her actual other half, did feel the comfort in spite of how bashful she really felt when Sara's hands traced her body.
But why? Why did she feel bashful and coy? Sara touched her countless of times; a myriad. Sara knew her flesh, her skin, her needs, her body and how every inch looked like. She had even noticed when she was dark with arousal, bloated before her cycle, or flushed with need. However, that sense of…of what? What was it? Of being together? Of being a couple…no, no, Tegan thought. No…of being almost a family. Actually, quite a serious couple. Yes, it was that. It felt like a honeymoon. A honeymoon after the engagement.
The ring, the ring. Did Sara notice? She only took it off before her shower. She wanted to be wearing it at this moment. It felt right in this particular moment because pure need prevailed, and unwillingness seemed to be way back beneath numerous layers in their minds. "Wait, wait."
"Yes, my dear?"
"The ring. I took it off before showering; I need to put it on." Sara lifted her body up an inch, staring at Tegan's calm features. "It's in my nightstand's drawer."
Sara fetched the ring for her, it shone brightly, silver with a small diamond that could reflect their faces if it wasn't dark under the covers. Sara kissed Tegan's knuckle after putting it on her finger. "Wait. Let me wear mine, too."
"You have one?" Tegan asked while Sara stretched an arm, reaching her own nightstand.
Sara's was plain silver. Nothing too fancy, no diamond, no gleam. It was what Tegan would prefer to wear. She wondered why she had gotten the more traditional option when she was not the feminine one between them.
"It's my grandmother's," Sara said, putting her ring on. "I never saw her, do you know that?" Sara chuckled. "Mum actually mailed the ring to me after visiting, after knowing I was planning to marry you. She wrote that she would have given me her ring but she had a terrible marriage and she didn't want to pass it to me…again, at least. She wrote that her mother had a beautiful and prosperous marriage, loved my grandfather till she died with cancer. I was young, I was fourteen. They lived in France."
"Wow." Tegan held Sara's finger, inspecting the ring closely. "You're half French, Sara?"
"Well, yeah. My mother is, kinda, I mean. You know, these grandparents used to live here, in Montreal. They went on some vacation and…wait, why are we talking? We're supposed to make love."
Tegan guffawed. Her hands rubbed Sara's inked arms, it felt pleasant and soothing. "We can make love and talk, but yeah, we can talk later."
"Yeah I wanna have some pillow talk with my baby." Sara's lips touched Tegan's nose. The kiss made Tegan giggle. "Are you ready for me?"
"I think I am." Tegan hoped Sara would be gentle. She was gentle with her, without having to make it a condition, so she didn't voice it.
They resumed the kiss they were sharing in the bathroom. Playful kisses, feather light compared to their minds heavy with thoughts and plans. Their tongues teased each other; they smiled through it and even laughed at some point when their hands joined the teasing and the challenge. The sensation of erect nipples touching was entrancing. Tegan looked at their breasts and arched her back, wanting to feel more. Sara kissed her jaw.
"You like this? My nipples on yours?" A moan broke the whimpering gasps coming from Tegan's throat. Sara did her best to enhance the feeling, rolling her breasts on top of her lover's and licking beneath the protruding collarbones. "I would like to enter you."
"Okay."
"I'll see if you're ready yet, get you well prepared. I don't want pain to hit you. I presume it won't since you have been with a man a number of times."
No, Tegan thought. That doesn't mean she was used to it. It wasn't always intercourse what they had. When they had it, she usually felt sharp pain the next morning. She walked in a bizarre manner and sat with difficulty. Sara touched her folds. She was sufficiently sodden. Her breath hitched when Sara's index and middle finger rotated her clit. The fire that had been extinguished in the bathroom after Sara's emergence was once again blazing. She parted her legs inattentively.
"I believe you are ready." Sara kissed her right ear. "Are you?" she whispered and imprisoned the small lobe between her lips.
"I am," Tegan said shakily.
Sara took a hold of the dildo, guiding the tip between Tegan's legs. Through the murkiness, she could vaguely see Tegan's center—a trimmed patch of hair covered her mound; swollen clit and dark lips angry with arousal; core dripping on plain white sheets. She looked up at Tegan's face. Her eyes looked black in the darkness; her mouth was an 'o'; and her breaths were heard in the sudden silence as Sara glided the silicone along her slit. Tegan's eyes closed for a second and opened again. She took a hold of Sara's shoulder when Sara used the tip to rub the bundle of nerves.
"Yes," Tegan moaned. "Sara."
"My love," Sara mouthed, kissing pouty lips.
Soon the tip slid down till it met a rosy entrance. Sara looked down again in order to have the view of Tegan's pussy taking in her first push. There was shocking resistance as she tried to push. The tip could barely go through. Sara looked up at Tegan, whose brows wrinkled and nose twitched, eyes tightly shut. "Is this okay?"
"It's too big," Tegan said breathlessly.
"I'm not even in. Only the head. Umm, that's kinda…" Sara pushed a bit, but the she could tell that she was stretching the younger woman more than she desired it. "Okay." Sara exhaled, lightly chuckling. "How small was he? Wow. You're like…a virgin. Like the first time I did you."
Tegan's short nails dug onto Sara's shoulder. The heat increased, forming sweat on tensed brows and ruddy chests. "Smaller than this," Tegan said. "But…oh God, oh God, stop pushing please."
Sara halted and pulled out almost all the way, leaving the tip slightly in. She looked down between Tegan's legs. Half of the phallus was wet with thick fluids. Her eyes met Tegan's again, waiting for a signal. Her intention wasn't hurting the smaller woman, but shockingly, she did. "I'm sorry," Sara whispered.
"It's fine." Lightly, Tegan traced the half moons she engraved on Sara's skin. "We didn't do it this way all the time. We did it, but it was…wasn't like that all the time. When we did it, though, I kinda…was really sore after it. I could barely walk the next morning. It's weird; I guess my body isn't used to it."
Images flashed in Sara's mind of Tegan limping as she walked when the semester first started. She asked herself why Tegan was walking strangely, and now she had the answer. "Some vaginas are naturally exceptionally tight, I suppose," she mumbled. "I think I have read about that somewhere."
"Though I have really wide hips." Tegan wrapped her arms around Sara's neck. Sara gazed at the awkward movement beneath her. She was about to pull out when Tegan pushed her own body upwards, emitting a moan into the suffocated atmosphere. "Oh."
"Tee, let me pull out." They could use that vibrator; it was small and convenient for Tegan.
"No, no," Tegan uttered breathlessly. "I just…umm, I was just trying to adjust my body and I felt it…like, good felt it…"
A ghost of laughter left Sara's plump lips. She planted small kisses on Tegan's own lips. "I will push again, slower…okay?"
"Mhm." Tegan seemed too lost in the kiss to pay attention, her body was doing the job for her, Sara could tell. When she touched her clit, it was throbbing with ecstasy. Her folds were drenched.
Sara pushed more after the echo of each lascivious moan hit her ears. She rejoiced hearing the rhythm of gratified voices and relished the entanglement of their limbs when she was finally all the way inside. She had been teasingly rotating the bundle of nerves to enhance the pleasure. Her middle finger stroked the small clit lazily when her body was completely connected with Tegan's.
Eyes wide open and lips parted, Tegan's heartbeat was loud underneath her bare chest. "My baby," she murmured. Her tongue licked the skin stuck to hers. Tegan's right nipple fell in her mouth and she sucked while her eyes never left Tegan's.
"This feels nice," Tegan said.
A string of saliva connected Sara's bottom lip to the hardened bud when Sara let go with a sudden pop. "I've never wished to have a penis." Sara gave the other nipple one hard suck and left it, also, with a loud pop, earning a gasp from her lover. "But with you, I wish, I fucking wish I have one."
"I like what you have better."
"You do?" Sara kissed her again; she wondered if now was the right time to start thrusting.
"Yeah. It's uh…oh, yes, yes." Sara's hips performed small wave-like motions, without moving too much. "I mean…it's cute…beautiful actually. Like, it's pink and like, you know, made me sure I am a lesbian when I first saw it."
Sara cackled, pushing her head into her lover's neck. "So, like, if my cunt was bad looking you wouldn't have been a lesbian?"
"I would have been doubtful. Like…oh, fuck..." Gradually, Sara was giving strength and speed to the roll of her hips. "Yeah…like, I would have been, like, is it worth it to like…like pussy? Like I've seen some that are just eh…I was, I sound judgmental, but I really, you know, think yours is very fucking beautiful, it takes the prize."
Tegan was judgmental, Sara thought. She was young, which could be the reason. She didn't want her partner to be judgmental, but she was not only judgmental about others but also about herself and how she imagined a perfect body should look like. With time, Sara said to herself—with time, she'd try to reduce that small mindedness. It was not a disastrous error; Tegan had a warm heart and so much tolerance. However, she was still ignorant in some matters, and with time, Sara was going to make her realize that the way she viewed beauty and ugliness was highly affected by the standards of the society they were living in.
But, the time was definitely not now. Because now Sara was beginning to thrust gently, slowly, and carefully in her lover's warm core. Tegan was holding on to her for dear life. It was rather sweet that her lover was clawing her back and wrapping her legs around her bum. Even though her skin burned from Tegan's small nails digging there, it arose some type of feral instinct, something she couldn't tame.
Their bodies were clammy and heated. The lingering scent of their perspiration and Tegan's juices was almost intoxicating. When the duvet fell down, exposing their faces, Sara looked up at the tightly shut eyes. She kissed the opened mouth and gingerly commenced adding speed and vigor to her thrusts till she slammed into her whimpering lover.
"Oh my god," Tegan squealed. She was, in a way, a machine that gasped. It was delightful to watch.
"Look at me." Her eyes were too light, too soft, and full of sweet honey. Rays of green were thin inside, as if melting within the bronze to form an unnatural color. Too beautiful, Sara wished her kid would have her mother's eyes. But this shade of hazel was rare, Sara knew. Hazel was not rare, but this exact shade was. Hers had green, as well. It was a strangely amusing coincidence. Hers was even lighter and leaned towards green more than her lover's. If she and Tegan could make a baby, the eyes would be the same. That's why, that's why their donor, she concluded, must have green eyes. She wanted their baby to have Tegan's eyes and Tegan's features. Tegan was just breathtakingly gorgeous, Sara felt lucky.
"The voices," Tegan whispered. "They're so…" With each thrust, came a loud voice as their bodies connected. It was embarrassing for Tegan.
"Our limbs are being knead and masticated, forming gentle, but rough love. These noises are the results. They are music to my ears. Nothing to be embarrassed about."
Tegan thought only dirty remarks could get her where she needed. She was mistaken; Sara's poetic words were even more effective. She felt the tip hitting that spot, massaging it, sliding through her walls, and filling all of her. She felt full and it was good, warm—it felt like floating on water, like insomnia, like scorching heat while on the pool; it hurt, but hurt well that she loved it.
She was getting there. Sara's eyes didn't leave hers and she didn't blink much. Her ears buzzed…what if she fainted? That would be amusing, wouldn't it? Sara would use it to brag for the rest of…Tegan didn't want to continue. She couldn't keep her eyes opened like that. She wanted something, anything. Anything to bite into, to suck at. The feeling was building slowly but it could happen at any second. She hadn't had such an orgasm in so long. Her lower abdomen cramped. Boiling water moved inside her stomach; slowly forming bubbles…an eruption was near.
She could hear nothing, see nothing, and think of nothing. Nothing was there to bite into but her lips and Sara's shoulder. She chose the latter, hearing a high-pitched screech from the older woman. She bit the sweaty skin and sucked as the high washed over her body. Her orgasm felt too long, or maybe she prolonged it with the twists of her hips, in order to meet Sara's. Or Sara, maybe, increased the feeling by rubbing her clit. It felt too good. All of her. Everything. Her insides were so sensitive; she felt it all, even her juices staining the sheet when Sara pulled out in a gradual, careful motion.
"Oh God...Jesus Christ," Tegan panted. The way her body missed the feeling was not quite pleasant. Pain hit her down under at the loss of the fake cock. She closed her legs and tried to tolerate the ache. "That was…" She swallowed. Tears were running out of her eyes. "That was…I've never felt like that before."
"Thought you'd squirt for a second. You shrieked so loudly I had to pull out right away." Sara stared at the glistening phallus. "This is um…it's hot." Sara chuckled as she unstrapped herself.
"I've never had that um…you know, squirting, have you ever done it to someone? Made them squirt, I mean?"
"No," Sara responded coyly. "Fuck, this is turning me on. My dick loving half is fucking…fuck." Sara glanced at the wetness dripping from the phallus with happy eyes. She sat next to Tegan and spread her legs. Disgusting, Tegan thought. How could she? Tegan didn't really get it. What if Sara was not getting turned on because she was not into her female parts? What if Sara was in one of her 'only attracted to men' phases? That horrified Tegan. She sat up, looked between her legs. The mess was not inviting, of course Sara was not going to get turned on by that.
Sara started sucking the phallus. Tegan gasped. It was the reason, it must be. She was not attractive enough. Was it her body? Did it lack feminine curves? Was it the fact she didn't have what Sara wanted inside her? But…but what about three days before in the bathroom? No, it couldn't be. But, Sara said that sometimes she and Jack watched lesbian porn to get her tuned on. Were they supposed to watch straight porn? Oh, God, straight porn was the worst. So boring, so lame, so revolting, so fucking sexist. Even straight girls watched lesbian porn sometimes in order to get turned on, Tegan had read about it online. Girls were just massively sexy, how could Sara not get turned on? Dicks were not, how could Sara crave them?
Sara was blowing the fake dick, and Tegan was horrified. She sat between her legs and watched what her eyes couldn't believe. Insane wetness, a river of juices, a puddle had already formed beneath her. "Fuck, Sara."
Sara wiped her lips and sat back. Her legs were wide opened, knees touched her chest. She looked down, her breaths were ragged. "I could feel myself getting into it while doing you; I didn't know it was…"
"Sara?"
"Yes, baby?"
"Maybe you're not getting turned on because you want a man to, you know, fuck you?"
Sara's eyebrows rose up, her lips frowned. "What?" she questioned as if Tegan had said something utterly puzzling. "Of course not."
Tegan wiped some tears that ran against her will; she had no idea why she was crying. "It just seemed like that the way you just…"
"I'm so sorry," Sara said. "I didn't even ask you why you're crying or if you're okay. Something just kicked in me when I saw your come all over the, you know, I just couldn't help it."
Sara felt stupid sitting like that. Her clit was throbbing for something, but she was stupid and didn't deserve anything. What did she do? How did she neglect Tegan and focus on her sexual feelings? That was unlike her. She never put her need first.
"Oh, I…" With sticky fingers, Tegan wiped more tears. "I'm not crying. The orgasm was so intense…I…tears are just involuntarily falling." Tegan chuckled, but it was not convincing. "Sara, we can, uh…watch straight porn or something, you know."
"God, no." Sara laughed despite the lack of amusement in the situation. "Tegan, I am exceedingly aroused at the moment and I have no idea how…I just am, and it's because of you. I am not in need to see any male nudity…in fact; I don't think it'll help." It was cold in their room, but Sara did not want to hide under the covers or get dressed. She wanted relief, desperately.
"Okay." Tegan was staring at her body with examining eyes, bringing a blush to the paleness. "Do you want me to touch you?"
"Only if you want to."
"Of course I do. You are not tired?" Hands started caressing milky thighs. Sara closed her eyes and shook her head.
"I am throbbing for you," Sara pronounced. They had an unspoken understanding when their eyes connected once again. Nothing was better than the language of facial expressions. Lips smiled and eyes twinkled. It was love, Sara knew it.
She was not really that loud, but tonight she felt like she could be loud without any restrictions. Tegan held the phallus against her clit and circled. It felt wonderful.
"I will not push it inside; I'll just tease you with it. Tell me what you want."
"I don't know…just…just do whatever, I don't care. I want…Oh, god, god, god," Sara cried, holding onto trembling thighs. "Fuck," she shrieked loudly as she looked down between her legs. Tegan rotated quickly while one finger teased an anticipating core.
"I will not push it inside," Tegan said again. Sara nodded. Yes, that was a relief, but, really, she could care less. She didn't want to be whiny. She hated being whiny. So what if she felt some pain? Tegan felt pain and it transformed into bliss. She could handle it if Tegan fucked her with the fake penis, but Tegan didn't want to, and that was good.
"Hold my hand, please." She was squirming as her insides convulsed with each gentle thrust. Tegan added a second finger, and even though she did feel some strangeness, it was not overwhelming. Tegan gripped her hand as she squeezed. Her small toes curled on the mattress. Tegan kissed her face as she squealed and gasped.
Her walls were rubbed thoroughly; massaged with care, and her clit was kissed after Tegan had finished her job kissing her upper half. Sara's hands were striving to muffle some strangely loud screeches that did not sound like her. Her face was wholly red and her breaths were heavy. "Oh Goddd…oh…oh, Tegan…"
Tegan left her clit with a pop, the way her nipple was left by Sara's mouth. She grinned at her professor while she licked her lower lip. "Goddess, still a fucking goddess."
"Please hold me." She felt so vulnerable in this moment, demanding absolute attention and care. She could not tell what was happening inside her, but Tegan was touching these places she was so scared to reach and Tegan was cautious but not a coward. She formed a scissoring motion inside her. Her two digits opened and closed so quickly that Sara couldn't keep her eyes opened.
Tegan held her with one arm. Sara, much like her student, required something to nibble on. Tegan's breast looked delicious, all swollen from her own biting. Some spots were darkened from her sucks, and she wanted to adorn the other pale parts with her trace. She sucked above the hard nipple, but Tegan pushed Sara's head down, sighing when the erect nub fell into the warm mouth.
Tegan smiled as the scene filled her eyes. Any skepticism fled her mind. Sara was sucking to the point where pain placed pleasure, but she could feel slick walls squeezing her digits, she could feel the spasms, and she knew Sara was having her orgasm. When it hit, Sara pushed her head back, screamed in obscene loudness that unraveled her true self.
"Goddess," Tegan mumbled as she pulled out. "Didn't I tell you it's psychological? I'm sure it's psychological."
Sara nodded as she regained her breaths. She smiled and panted, squeezed Tegan's hand and waited till the high went away.
"Oh my…" Tegan gasped. "Sara," she mouthed. Her eyes watched drops of blood staining the sheet where Sara sat. Sara looked down between her legs as the thick red liquid continued ruining the white material. "Sara, are you fine?"
"It's…it's normal." Sara put her legs down, cursing underneath her breath. "I had a strong orgasm. You know, it…it happens. I…" Sara kept watching the flowing blood. Tegan was not sure what to do next, was it going to continue like that? Why was it too dark and too much? That was not supposed to happen, was it? "Goddesses don't bleed," Sara mumbled, a lopsided smile masked the terror her eyes revealed.
"Let's go to the bathroom, I'll help you. I think…I think there are some pads somewhere. Can you use a tampon? How long…how long will it stay? Does it hurt?"
"Tegan, Tegan…" Tegan stood up, pulled Sara by the hand as she ignored the pain thumping in her own bones. "Calm down. I'll go wash up. It will stop. I'm not in pain. I just need you to…run to the kitchen and get me an Advil…just in case. Oh, and I made some sandwiches. Why don't we eat in bed?" Sara took one last glimpse at the sheets. She stood up, fetched her underwear, folded it, and put it between her legs as she walked. "Well, after I change the sheets. Yeah?"
Tegan nodded slowly. "Okay."
Tegan put on her pajamas and went to the kitchen. Sara wanted to talk. Well, that could mean there was something. Obviously there was something. Was Sara distracting her? Idiot, she thought. Sara was at the hospital just this morning. There wasn't anything to worry about.
Sara had made hot dog sandwiches. Tegan put two sandwiches for Sara and one for herself. She opened the fridge and took two cans of beer. She felt like they did need some alcohol in their system. She grabbed the Advil and a water bottle, too. Her bones protested standing. She felt as if the sting between her legs was mocking her.
When she limped back to the room, Sara was there. Sara gasped as soon as she saw her. "The way you're walking! Are you really hurt?"
"Just a tad," Tegan mumbled. "I didn't get to wash up. I'll go pee and wash my face."
"You washed your hands before touching these, though, right?" Sara wrinkled her nose as she looked at the sandwiches. "Wait, why did you get only one sandwich for yourself? I'll go get you another one. You have to eat, sweetie."
Tegan sighed, leaving Sara with a quick nod.
When both were in bed again, biting into tasty sandwiches and sipping cold beer, Tegan asked, "How's your situation?"
"The bleeding?" Sara said with a full mouth.
"Yeah."
"I think it stopped by now." Sara took another bite; it was big, showcasing her hunger. She hummed as she took a sip of her beverage. "So, yeah, I just wanted to have some pillow talk, I guess."
"Yeah?" Tegan looked at her.
"Aha." It was awkward for Sara. Tegan could promise she wasn't horrified with that scene, yet it was crystal clear that she was. Till when? Till when? She kept asking herself. It was monotonous, boring, mechanical; the way of her life. Till ever, she guessed. "Well, I guess, I might…umm…get a vaginal ring or something. So we can get rid of this situation."
"You're so not doing that," Tegan said loudly. "That could be dangerous and not healthy for you."
"How do you know?" It was not dangerous, Tegan exaggerated. It could not suit her body, most probably. She was willing to try, though.
"Stacy and I Googled it this morning. Sara, come on. Obviously, it's kinda psychological. You're getting wetter than I am. Yeah, there is blood, but so fucking what?" Sara could not imagine Stacy and Tegan sitting together, searching about her issues without it being outrageously awkward. "You're not getting any of these, you know, vaginal stuff. Stacy said the cream could cause a yeast infection, she said you've had that before." Of course Stacy blabbered about that, when did she not speak too much! "And the other option, I guess, like, the sticker? That's just awful. The ring is the best, okay, but it can hurt your body, it can like, not suit it and not function well, and you have to, like, remove it and put it back and that's just annoying and disgusting."
"Blood is disgusting. Like, who the hell bleeds as if they have the worst fucking menstrual cycle after sex?"
Tegan puffed. "Sara." Sara did not want to hear what's next. She wanted support, was that too much to ask for? "If you love me enough, do not put your body through this. I'm begging you, Sara."
Sara could not say anything more. Tegan had used that one weakness spot. Yes, she loved Tegan, madly…and Tegan knew it, which was why she used this track to get her to stop what she had planned as soon as her pupils spotted the bloody sheet.
"Okay, umm, the house," Sara decided to change the subject.
"Yeah, the house." It seemed to be a good choice.
"So umm, what now?"
"Furniture?" Tegan suggested. "Of course we have to paint it first."
"We?"
"Yes, we." Tegan's eyes were bright once again. She beamed as she looked at her lover. "Okay, so I was thinking peach? Like, our room? The baby's room should be gender neutral, and the other one, I think it should be a guest room? I think, maybe, like, light navy blue? That would be awesome. I can paint well. We don't have to pay people. Think about it."
"Yeah, yeah. I can paint, too." Sara laughed.
Tegan took her hands and said with blooming excitement, "Okay, okay. So remember that room you wanted but it's too fucking expensive?"
"No?" Sara licked the mustard on her bottom lip.
"That one in the magazine in Stacy's place."
"Yeah?" That one was too expensive; she could never afford something like that.
"I know some guy who can make the same thing, but so fucking cheap…and good quality."
"Seriously?"
"Yes, I can guarantee he's amazing." Tegan sighed in content. Sara was astonished with the shift of mood, was it fake or was that just how Tegan was? "He was Jeremy's roommate. Okay, so he makes the best stuff. He works at some store. He can give us a discount, too. Like, he made some stuff for me, and trust me, I don't like cheap stuff, but nobody will notice, not even us."
"You seem to know a lot about…house stuff. Like, way better than me."
"Yeah," Tegan exclaimed. "It's so weird, but I love houses and that shit. Like, I was always curious so I read some stuff in high school, and look, now I'm benefiting."
"Okay. So I guess that's good because this is not my furniture. I rented this place with things in it. I just bought a couple of things."
"Yeah, exactly. I have some stuff at Jeremy's, too. Have to get them," Tegan said.
"We have to start doing this soon," Sara suggested.
"Yes."
"Are you okay now? Your…you know?"
"Yes," Tegan said. "I…" She giggled. "I will walk funny though, even tomorrow, okay?"
"Alright. I'm sorry about that."
"You can go to uni tomorrow, right?"
"Of course," Sara said.
"Okay." Tegan nodded. "So I'll take these to the kitchen. Find us some, like, movie or something so you watch while I cuddle with you and fall asleep before you because the movie is too boring, okay?" Tegan stood up, collecting the plates and empty cans.
"The beer got you all hyper?"
"Uh...yeah." Tegan nodded.
"Darling, can you get my phone? I forgot it in the bathroom."
"Sure." Tegan walked to the door.
"Oh, oh, and please, only if you can, just a cup of coffee and a slice of that cake Stacy got this morning." Sara didn't usually eat something sweet and sugary at night, but she craved that cake her best friend had brought this morning when they had breakfast together after she was out of the hospital.
"Sure, Sara." Tegan laughed and walked out.
Sara switched on the television and waited for Tegan.