Content note: suicide/ emotional abuse.
"T. S Eliot's poetry is one of the most difficult poetry there is to understand." The professor sat on the edge of the desk as she lectured. Tegan smiled while taking notes. She was sitting in the front, hearing her favorite person explain literature with absolute devotion.
"I mean, if you take a look at The Waste Land, you can see that the poem has twice as much footnotes as it does actual lines of poetry. It is a highly allusive poem; it alludes to many literary works, many historical situations, it had different languages in it." Sara looked at her own textbook, just like each student in the classroom minus Tegan, whose worshiping eyes were centered on Sara's lean body, admiring the way her lips uttered words, the way her hands moved as she explained, and the way she sat so delicately, with her legs and knees exposed to her students—pale, skinny, smooth.
"Most students on reading it the first time, the second time, even the thirteenth time can still find it very difficult to grasp anything meaningful out of it," Sara said, chuckling at her words. "I myself find it a very hard poem, it reveals more and more as I come back to it."
This morning before coming to class her and Sara had a slight argument about Sara's choice of clothes. Tegan didn't like how short the skirt was. She didn't protest, but she inquired, "Are you wearing this today?" Sara had been walking as strangely as her. Both of them were limping, but Tegan was worried. There wasn't any blood, Sara said. Just a little bit of pain, Sara told her.
"Yes, is it ugly?" Sara asked. It was short, not ugly. It was the shortest skirt Tegan had seen in Sara's closet. A professor wasn't supposed to wear a skirt this short.
"It's just a bit too short."
"Are you…jealous or…like…" Sara was smiling, but obviously it was a fake smile.
"No, God, no…Sara, it's your body, I know. I just didn't think professors could show much skin, I mean it didn't seem professional." Sara sighed and nodded.
"Tegan…I don't usually wear stuff like that and I get that it's not about professionalism and that shit to you, and it kind of makes me flattered…that you are a bit jealous or overprotective and that, but I can wear whatever I want. Plus it isn't too short, just a bit above the knees."
And a just bit beneath the crotch, Tegan thought. "Well, is there someone you're trying to seduce?" Tegan raised her eyebrows as she put on her jeans. She was gaining weight, so much weight. She struggled to button her jeans. What the hell, Sara. You already made me unable to fit into my pants.
"I'm just so bloated today; I needed to wear something comfortable." Sara was getting irritated, Tegan could see it.
"I am bloated, too. What did we eat that I can't fit into my jeans?" Tegan puffed as she gave up her attempts to button the dark blue jeans.
Sara laughed. "I am bloated because I'm not on HRT. I have to go get a replacement of the pills today. I think Dr. Anderson might do some…cleaning up inside. It's gonna be a hell of a day." Tegan was lost. She sat on the mattress after taking off her jeans and looked at Sara choosing a shirt from her closet.
"What cleaning up?"
"You know, down there? From the blood and stuff. I do that every once in awhile because…God, it's so complicated. I mean that blood, it just had accumulated inside and I do need some cleaning up because of all the secretions and discharge that might harm me. And since my surgery was done vaginally, my body secretes really annoying fluids and they stay in there as well as blood and I don't want you to see all that during sex, I don't want it to come out during sex, the smell is enough and the bleeding…that was just…" Sara's face was crimson red; her ears looked like tomatoes soon to be shot, the remnants flying everywhere, staining the room with red.
"Are you seriously shy about explaining all that to me?" Tegan questioned. "You're sweating and all red and flushed. You look like a mother giving her kid the talk for the first time." Tegan laughed in hopes she would lighten up the mood.
Sara joined her fiancée in laughter. "I can be shy." Sara giggled. She picked a light blue button up, Tegan was sure it was hers. "We don't really talk about these things…I mean you're the first person I've been so gross around, other than Stacy, but I mean she's not my partner so I'm never shy around her."
"Yet we eat each other out." Tegan stood up and walked to the closet, too. "I honestly like when we are 'gross' around each other, it makes me feel that you, too, are a human like me and we…can be gross together. Because I think it's only fair and natural in relationships. I don't expect you to be perfect, clean, smell nice, look your best all the time, and I hope you don't expect that from me." Tegan wrapped her arms around Sara while she stood behind her. She kissed Sara's earlobe. "I'm pretty sure you don't expect it by now. I am always sweaty, smelling like a dead cow, and looking like I have married death especially when I'm menstruating."
Sara craned her neck as her face turned to look at Tegan. She kissed the pouty lips inches away from her. "These are natural things. If I don't accept or expect them I would be a terrible partner. For me, I just…don't want to put you through things you wouldn't have to go through if you were with someone your age or someone healthy at least."
How would she answer that? She thought about it as she rubbed Sara's arms. Sara was right, but she was also wrong because that was her body and it was functioning that way, and Tegan accepted that. "One day…one day I…" Tegan commenced. "One day I will go through that too, and I would want my partner to be by my side," she whispered. It was hard to imagine herself old, going through menopause, having difficulties in sex and discomfort in her own skin, hating her body, hating everything happening in it. "I expect you to be by my side and I do expect you to help me through the pregnancy and after because I think…I think I wouldn't be a fan of my body and all the changes it will go through and I will feel the same about it as you do now…towards your body."
"I would rub your tummy and massage your feet every day. I would make you whatever you crave, and read stories for the baby inside as if it would hear." Sara smiled goofily, but it was lovely. These little things, though cheesy they were, they felt wonderful and they made Tegan feel better about the entire idea.
"Yeah," Tegan whispered. "I love you."
"I love you, too." Sara turned around and smiled. "Why aren't you dressed yet? Gonna make me late again?"
"I'm not…" Tegan pouted. "I'm not fitting into my jeans." She looked down at her thighs. She had worn these particular pants a week before, and though they were tight, she was still able to button them.
"You look healthy now," Sara commented. "Here, take my jeans." Sara passed her own blue jeans to Tegan, who took them with a sigh.
"Eliot is considered as one of the most well known modernist poets," Sara continued, interrupting the brief stray of attention that took Tegan away from the lecture. "The modernist age was about experiencing new forms, new styles, trying new things with literature, and Eliot is about all of that in his poetry."
Sara stood up, and maybe her partner was right, that skirt was very short. She had not worn an outfit so revealing in front of her students ever. Eyes focused on her legs. They were beautiful, she knew that. She admired her stature in the mirror just this morning; surprised that she was actually fascinated with how she looked in that particular outfit. However, now, she felt slightly uncomfortable with roaming and searching eyes of people younger than herself, trying to study her body the way her lover did when they were alone. That was a privilege Tegan owned, but they did not deserve it.
"In Eliot's case, his poetry, the message of the poetry, or the content of his poetry is communicated as much through its form as through its message, which you'll have to get back to when we discussed content and form a week ago and connect what I'm saying right now to it."
But then again, as she walked, she remembered that only Tegan knew what was harbored beneath the fabric. Only Tegan her legs would be spread for, only Tegan could touch the delicate and tender bits of her body, only Tegan could interlace her tongue with the wet and warm parts of her skin. And that alone made her feel satisfied, proud, and triumphant.
"I mean, look at the lines in your textbook. You can see that the poem is very scattered, doesn't have a coherent structure, it's written in different languages, it doesn't have a story that follows all the way through, it's a series of fragments; that is the form of the poem. It is a highly fragmentary form of poetry, and that form is actually its message."
She hoped she was making sense to her students. Sometimes she explained without paying attention to what she was saying. After all, teaching was in a way a mechanical process, especially after one had taught the same thing over and over again. She had discussed this poem with Jack, he was obsessed with it. They went through it line by line and talked about it for months, they dug into the deepest portions their minds offered in order to comprehend its treasured meaning. But, surely, she could not explain what she discussed with Jack to her students. Maybe if it was a graduate class she could go deeper, tease them, give them more questions and make them curious. But it was only an undergraduate class and her students weren't all seniors. Plus, they wouldn't get it. They would desire to hear it from Jack, but from her, they would reject it, they'd call her crazy. They always did.
"It's a fragmented poem about the fragmentation and skepticism of the modern age, which is an age that ultimately threw God away, threw religion away, it turned to reason and science since it seemed that these two provided so many answers and so many solutions and so much truth and objectivity to these disillusioned people, but eventually the objectivity and the absence of God drew more questions, and so those who wrote at the end of the modern age like Eliot were horrified with the results of the World War and with the destruction it caused." Sara took a breath after a long sentence. She wished her students interacted more at times. Teaching did get boring when the class was silent and she had to do all the talking. "There was nothing clear, nothing unifying people or civilizations, no answers or reasons to anything happening around them, they were left with dark, empty spirits that the poetry of the age began to reflect that and we can see it in The Waste Land," Sara concluded.
"I'll let you go for now. Next class, Ms. Rain, you will present and after that Mr. Hewet?"
"Yes, I'll present next class," Tegan said. Sara smiled.
Tegan walked after Sara when the professor left the class. She ran up to her with thick books in her hands. Her backpack was opened because she didn't have time to zip it up since Sara stormed out of class in an unusual manner.
"Sara, wait up," Tegan called.
Sara turned around and stopped, waiting for her lover to catch up. "I'm sorry, I'm in a hurry."
"Oww," Tegan moaned as when she stopped. "I'm in so much pain and you made me run, fuck. Where…where are you going?"
Sara worried she had hurt her fiancée as much she was hurt the previous night. She could still feel soreness between her legs. The bleeding barely stopped only to come back again in the middle of the night. She worried and cried in the bathroom in the very early morning, which was why she had dialed up Dr. Anderson's personal number. She'd gotten it from Dr. Wilson. She didn't do that usually but the apprehension was eating her. She was assured that she simply needed a quick check up and cleaning up, or that's what she had understood.
"Are you alright?" Sara asked. "I'm…I'm going to the doctor…like I told you. Want to come with me and get checked up or something?" Tegan's eyes widened. "I guess not." Sara chuckled.
"Of course not. Never again until I give birth…or wait, I have to be naked to get the sperm in me…yes, never again till then, okay?"
Tegan was oblivious to the process of insemination, what came before and after it. Sara decided not to tell her right there—not the right time, not the right place.
"Okay, I don't want to be late to my appointment. Umm…what are you gonna do today? You mentioned something about going out with your friends?" Sara could barely recall what Tegan was blabbering about when she woke up; she had been too anxious about her situation to pay attention.
"Oh, yes. Emy and I are going to get lunch and catch up…if you say yes, for sure."
"Oh." She would probably have to get home after visiting the doctor, get some rest, and sleep for awhile — these types of visits always left her more hurt than before she was examined with sharp objects that made her despise being a woman. "Alright. Yes, why would I say no? It's your life. Eat well, alright?"
"Yes, baby. Thank you." Tegan kissed her left cheek quickly. "Oops. I forgot." She winked and left. Sara blushed when her eyes met the students passing by. They needed to tone it down. Only three weeks left and they could be free.
Tegan was excited. Yes, very excited. She arrived to the small diner fifteen minutes early. Emy texted she was on the way. Tegan sat in a dark green booth on the left side of the diner, where there was a partition setting a barrier between a line of green booths and another one. On the other side of the diner there were also many columns of booths. Tegan looked around at the college students laughing, mothers and their children talking, high school girls and boys flirting with each other. She used to come to this place almost every weakened in her first university year, before meeting Sara.
The periods of her college years consisted of several parts: before meeting Sara, after meeting Sara, when Sara was gone, when Sara returned. She took an oath she would not be the Tegan she turned out to be after being with Sara and after Sara had left. She wanted to fix things once Sara returned. Her friends deserved to be given time and attention the way Sara gave her best friend all the care the woman and her daughter required.
When Sara was inside the doctor's office, she began telling her about everything that had happened the previous week. The doctor nodded as she took notes. She also chuckled at some parts and it kind of annoyed Sara because these parts embarrassed her.
"It seems that your only concern…let's say the only thing you can't stop obsessing about is sex at the moment." Sara didn't answer the doctor's observation. "It's kind of making you abandon your health and I'm afraid this might affect your partner's health as well."
"What do you mean?" Sara asked.
"You know what I mean, Sara. Tegan is very young, you're obsessed with pleasing her that she's thinking it's her fault in a way. You just said that she's having doubts you're into men only. I think that your mind is really affecting your state of arousal."
Sara sighed. If she wanted a therapist, she could visit one. She just wanted a normal and a healthy sex life.
"You want to be on HRT again even though, trust me, you don't need them. Your body is balancing itself back; your hormones are back to…let's say almost normal. Of course they cannot be as normal as they were before the hysterectomy, but I think they are as balanced as they were before the removal of the cervix and the new rounds of chemotherapy. Sara, I can give you the same pills you used to take a couple of years ago, but they wouldn't really do much because you're good. It really was a matter of time."
"Yes, give me those pills. I used to be aroused all the time. I was always wet. They worked perfectly well with my body."
"Alright, Sara." The doctor hummed. "Why don't you change inside so I can examine you first and we'll talk about it more after?"
Emy and Tegan hugged quickly when the smiling brunette arrived. Emy had a fresh face free of makeup, and two beautiful eyes that looked too sad for the big smile on her face. Emy looked like sunset, she was beautiful. Tegan studied her features as her voice apologized inside her brain.
"God, I miss this, Tee," Emy exclaimed when their cheeseburgers and large cokes arrived.
"You miss cheeseburgers or me?" Tegan teased.
"Both, actually." There was so much they wished to talk about. Emy wanted to ask and know but her heart was too scared to touch and reach. She felt like a crumbled piece of paper soon to be stepped on. She felt like cotton candy soon to be melted on someone's tongue. She felt like dust soon to be washed up by rain. She felt empty but something in her chest felt restless from excitement. She missed her friend, a friend she once loved; someone who hurt her so deeply she had considered ending her own life. It was the same week she had been told her brother was diagnosed with cancer. She thought it was punishment for thinking and even almost attempting to swallow the drugs in her bathroom. She had never told this to anyone, and she didn't want the memory to be sparked up in her head. Everyone hurt, even Tegan who thought herself an angel and saw herself the victim, she hurt Emy and Emy couldn't forget it ever even if she had forgiven it.
"I miss you, too. I miss having my best friend, having someone to talk to," Tegan admitted.
"What about Jeremy? He's been there."
"Of course." Tegan twirled the straw in her coke to watch the ice cubes move in front of her. She wanted to crunch on each piece but she didn't want to put her hand in the coke to get the ice out, people would look and think that she was repulsive. "He's always been there. He's amazing. But I missed having someone like me, someone who understands, a girl, I mean. Someone who I can tell them about these intimate stuff that happens without being uncomfortable." Tegan was not sure if she could comfortably speak to her friend about everything that happened with her and Sara. Things were still cold and awkward, but she wished her relationship with Emy was as friendly as Sara's was with Stacy.
"I totally get you." Emy wiped her lips with a napkin. She looked so delicate while she ate, so careful, very slow—unlike two years before. She used to eat quickly and hum when the food was delicious; ketchup always ran on the sides of her lips. "My ex didn't like me talking about my problems or talking in depth about something. She was so awkward. I couldn't even discuss regular things all girls talked about; like body hair, or periods, or a firkin' movie that I loved. She was so cold all the time. She was always like, 'umm why are you telling me this?' Even…" Emy chuckled nervously. She looked as if she was thirsty for a long talk. "Even in umm…sex, she was just so…"
"Square?"
"Well, yes, but I am not much better. But just so rigid. No emotions."
"That's probably how Jeremy sees me," Tegan whispered. Emy sipped her coke and tried not to make it obvious she was blushing. Tegan wondered if there were some certain images in her head. Everybody imagined so why wouldn't she?
How did they speak of the uncomfortable things so quickly while still not comfortable enough around each other? Were they pushing it?
"Do you know that Jeremy's in Denise's birthday party? Do you think he likes her?" Emy pushed her long hair behind her left ear. Emy looked very gorgeous with long hair. She had lost a lot of weight as well. She looked way older than her university years and much more attractive that Tegan herself did not tire from staring at her.
"Yes, he told me." Tegan sighed. "Honestly, I just want him to be happy. I hope he's happy."
"Yeah…me, too." Emy paused. She smiled suddenly, a smile too bright that Tegan smiled in curiosity. "So you're gonna be Mrs. Clement soon? Are you excited?"
Tegan laughed in a pitch too high that the father on the booth on her right gave her a strange glare. She cleared her throat and took a quick sip of her drink before answering, "I guess I am. A bit nervous, but…I guess I am excited."
"I know this is none of my business but…uh…Jeremy said something about you trying to conceive, umm, are…are you really going to do that?"
"Yes." She looked her friend in the eye. She waited for the mocking answer whether it came in a shock, in a form of warning, in a form of surprise, or was plain derisive.
"Oh my God, so do you want to have a boy or a girl? A girl would look so cute. You'd name her Rose, I know you."
Tegan was flabbergasted and puzzled with the reaction she had received from no one before. Everybody preached that she was too young, she wasn't aware of what she was doing, whether she thought of it well or not, whether Sara was forcing her or not. But Emy did not even look contemptuous, her reaction was genuine, it was honest, it was nice.
"You just umm…struck me with this…I wasn't even thinking of it."
"Why not? I always think what would my first child be."
"I guess…I'm just too worried…about the whole process, I mean. Sara's been through so much. God, Emy, if I tell you, you would not believe it. The whole thing scares me. I want to get through the whole insemination process first. This is scaring me."
"Why?" Emy shrugged. "Every lesbian who's going to have a child does it. I'd do it right now."
"You want to have a child right now?" Tegan asked.
"Anytime. A little me that I'd love and kiss and take care of." Why did everybody have that instinct but her? Why couldn't she feel it? Was there something wrong with her? She loved the feeling when she babysat Ella, but she couldn't see herself with a child.
"You sound like Stacy, Sara's friend. All she does is kissing Ella and hugging her. It's so weird. It's funny and adorable to watch, too."
"Ugh, that Stacy." Emy wrinkled her nose. "She seems so…bossy."
"Welcome to my life."
"But she's kinda hot, I have to say. She has those eyes that…"
"Emy, please." Tegan giggled.
"Alright, alright. I'll close my gay mouth."
They talked a lot more. Emy was going to start teaching in a high school when the new school year started, which was in September. She had only had a small internship as a content writer; she didn't enjoy that work. Emy wanted to teach; Tegan did, too. Emy said that the high school she was accepted in was looking for more English teachers and Tegan had already taught before. Tegan didn't give Emy a promise to apply because she knew telling Sara would cause a slight issue. She didn't want to tell Sara about it now. She wanted to graduate first, maybe she and Sara would get married, and then she'd tell Sara. Being pregnant would not be a barrier to work. Everybody went on in their lives as normally as possible while expecting.
Stacy and Ella went inside the silent apartment. First thought on Stacy's mind: the apartment was insanely hot. Stacy loved spring and summer but it was too hot to be the middle of April. When she was called by Sara telling her she was in too much pain to pick Ella up, Stacy panicked. Sara said she was at the doctor and was a bit too tired to drive. The friend took a leave to pick up her kid and visit her friend.
Sara was on the couch, a blanket over her body, sweat on her brow. The TV was on. Sara's nose was red and her eyes, too.
"Sara," Stacy gasped. "Honey." She sat on the floor and bent in front of her friend. She could see dozens of sharpened knives aiming at her heart. Her stomach dropped. She looked around; Tegan was not there. Oh, no. No, no.
"I think I'm getting sick." Sara sneezed. Stacy felt confused.
"Sara…" Words did not come out.
"My vagina hurts," Sara whispered. "She put something in there that's just…" She laughed. "I don't know what it did but it hurt and I screamed so loud when I left her office everybody looked at me weirdly. I could barely walk. And…and she was like, you're so sensitive and easily hurt, you should bear this, everybody does. I don't know who's everybody, I just don't like it when she hurts me like that, I think I wanna switch doctors. You never hurt me when you examined me at times, why aren't you a doctor?"
Stacy's face was red. She looked at her daughter's deadpan face and smiled. She hoped her daughter didn't understand any of that. She looked around again thinking Tegan would show up, but the place was so quiet. She looked at Sara and put her hand on the sweaty forehead to brush off the stray hairs. Sara's skin was burning.
"You have a fever," Stacy commented. "What happened?"
"I told you what happened. I bled all last night, I told you on the phone. I had to go and clean the inside of my vagina because I don't know why but that's what Dr. Anderson said and she hurt me and I took some Advil and now I feel cold but I guess it's because I put a bag of ice between my legs but I feel cold inside."
"Jesus," Stacy murmured. "Where's Tegan?" She spotted the bottle of whiskey underneath the coffee table. She grabbed it and lifted it up. "Really, Sara? It's barely 1:00 PM."
"I was craving." Sara yawned. "Tegan's with her friend, Emily. That one with the nice blue eyes that you hate."
"God, you're wasted." Stacy got up. "It's so hot in here." Ella took off her jacket and sat on the other couch. Stacy took off her jacket, too. She was going to cook something. She wondered if she would call Tegan and tell her about Sara's state. She wondered what Tegan was doing with that Emily. "I don't hate Emily, by the way. I don't even know her," she felt the need to say it.
"I wanna pee, take me to the bathroom." Sara stretched her arm. Stacy helped her up but Sara stumbled. "Oh, Lord. I am sweating like a pig."
Stacy decided she would call Tegan and tell her. She felt lost in a way not knowing how to handle Sara. She hadn't done that in a long time. Tegan was the one who received the burden of being with Sara, and God knows how Tegan was able to do it because it required so much patience. Sara was hard to handle at times.
Sara threw up twice. She felt better after she ate the salad Stacy made. She felt a bit sober, but a little bit dizzy. "Where's Tegan?" she asked. "I should call her. I miss her."
"She's on her way. I talked to her." Stacy was making chicken pot pie and Ella was drinking chocolate milk.
"I'll go to the living room again. I think I really am getting sick."
"It's just the whiskey, I think you're fine."
Sara walked out before answering. She felt lethargic and tired. She was sore and wanted to rest, too.
She almost slept in her seating position while watching the same dull film about a long distance relationship. She heard the door open and shut. She heard Ella squealing, uttering the mispronounced name of her lover. She heard Stacy greet Tegan and heard Tegan's resonant octave wonder about her state.
"She's in the living room." The voices were getting closer. Sara crooked her neck to watch them enter the small space. "Here she is."
"Baby, are you alright?" Tegan sat next to her and kissed her cheek. "You have a fever." I know. Sara smiled.
"What's that in your hands?" Sara asked. The folded paper caught her attention.
"Oh, this." Her lover chuckled. "I found it on our door."
Sara took the white piece of paper and read, "Loudest lesbian couple: louder than porn." Stacy's eyes were big, cheeks were red. "Oh, boy. Who put this?"
Tegan was too embarrassed to speculate. She remained silent. When she saw the note, she removed it quickly, feeling shameful. She thought of her mother and how ashamed she would be, she thought of everyone who she had given an image full of innocence and perfection. The entire complex heard her voice, how embarrassing and shameful.
"Don't worry, we'll move and nobody can make fun of your moans and screams anymore."
"My moans and screams?" Tegan shouted. Her eyes were dark enough to draw a hole in Sara's face.
"Just kidding, just kidding. I wanted to see your reaction, chill." Tegan didn't like it. There was a time for joking and that time wasn't when Stacy was around. She didn't appreciate Stacy knowing these details. Stacy was too quiet, probably judging her, not Sara, but her—only her.
"I'll continue cooking," Stacy announced. She walked to the kitchen but Ella didn't follow.
"Relax," Sara said. Her hand caressed the flushed face before her. "She's not a stranger. We can make fun of her, too."
"No," Ella protested. "No making fun of mummy." Tegan smiled and picked up angry Ella, who was hitting Sara's leg with her small, non harming hand.
I wish you'd stop making fun of everything to hide how hurt you are. I wish you'd realize I can see it and everybody can. You never change. "How are you feeling?" Tegan asked.
"Honestly?" Sara bit her lower lip as she played with Ella's hand. Ella's left thumb was in her mouth. "Kinda sore. It's like she put a knife in my vagina or something."
"Shit." Tegan tried to take Ella's thumb out of her mouth but the four-year-old slapped Tegan's hand. "Oww."
Ella looked at the two of them for a moment and asked, "What's a vagina?"
Sara laughed as she sat back. "It's where you pee from, kinda."
Tegan didn't want to be there and hear Sara explain what's what to Ella. She hated these parts and didn't think she could do them with her own child. It made her feel awkward.
"No," Ella said. "That's not a vagina."
"Then what is it?" Sara asked, amused.
"I can't tell you." Ella covered her mouth, gasping.
"Your mum is so gonna make you look like naïve little idiot, baby."
Stacy was still in the kitchen and Tegan hoped she wasn't hearing Sara's comments. But why did she care anyway? Tegan yawned and put her head on her fiancée's shoulder.
"Do you have a vagina?" Ella asked.
Tegan snorted, nodding. "I do." She felt tired. She was full and exhausted. She wished Stacy would take her kid and leave so she could be alone with Sara.
"Show me."
"Whoa, hey, no," Sara said defensively.
"Sara, you taught her a new word and she's going to abuse the use of it. Congrats." Tegan got up to go to the bathroom.
After changing her clothes she went to the kitchen to grab a freezing cold glass of water full of ice cubes she could rest her mind with. It was a very hot day and her body was on fire. "Where's my ice?" she wondered loudly. Only Stacy was in the kitchen, sweating and baking.
"In Sara's crotch."
"What?"
"She put it in a bag and put it on her crotch. I have no idea how she's dealing with a cold vagina but…well, it's Sara."
Tegan didn't say anything else. She went to the living room and snaked her hand inside the blanket. Sara giggled when Tegan's hand was searching. "Did you really take my ice to put it on your vagina?"
"It was sore," Sara said.
"You're weird." Tegan touched between Sara's legs. The professor was wearing sweats.
"What are you doing? The ice started melting and I threw it away, it's not here."
Tegan felt stupid. Of course it would melt. "I'm going to study in our room. If you need anything, tell me."
What Sara wanted was to talk more to her partner, to ask her about her day, to hear comments and banters. She also wanted to tell Tegan about her morning and what the doctor had said. Tegan didn't even ask her if everything was alright, if anything was wrong.
Why was there always a lack of communication, a lack of understanding, a lack of emotion—there was always a lack of something. Why? She wondered if they were ever going to cross that bridge. Her feelings were like small petals falling from a daisy, scattered everywhere. What was the gap exactly? God, it couldn't be the freaking age. Tegan acted older than her at times. What was the missing piece between them? What if it ruined their relationship?
Sara cried in front of Ella. She cried for half an hour in silence and Ella did not say anything at all. After that she went to the bathroom and showered. She found the dining table ornamented with food and drinks when she left the bathroom in her towel.
"I'm very disappointed that you're teaching her words like that," Stacy said. Sara grabbed a small piece of cucumber from the salad bowl and put it in her mouth. The strands of her hair that escaped the towel were the reason behind the drops of water on the floor.
"It's a very normal word that she has to know. It's psychology, Stacy. That's very normal and if she doesn't know the normal things she's going to be shocked and traumatized or something when she grows up."
"Raise your kid the way you want, I'll raise mine the way I want." Stacy was cold and cruel. Sara rolled her eyes only to get rid of the tears locked inside. "Dinner is ready."
"Thank you."
Sara walked to her room. Tegan had fallen asleep face first on her book. She woke her up gently, placing her pruny fingertips on the red parts of the younger woman's face. Tegan didn't wake up immediately but turned and groaned a couple of times before opening her eyes. She yawned, rubbing the small puffy lids before closing them again and burying her face in Sara's towel. Sara could feel her chest rising and falling. She looked peaceful.
"You have to eat."
"You smell nice," Tegan commented.
"You're awake. Get up. Change your clothes and let's eat."
They both dressed quickly without talking much. Maybe she read too much into it, maybe things weren't as complicated as she perceived them and she was being paranoid. She sighed when she sat on the dining table and ate. Stacy and Tegan talked about the weather, and she talked about what the doctor told her when Tegan finally asked. When she asked about the day with Emy, Tegan didn't say much.
"It was good," Tegan said. "We caught up. She's a bit changed."
"How changed?" Sara asked. Stacy looked at their mouths chewing and talking.
"So quiet. No life in her eyes. Lonely. Scared."
"Like all of us?" Stacy remarked. Tegan looked at her for a second and then agreed with a nod.
Stacy and Tegan both washed the dishes and talked about Sara's medicines.
"I need to sort out the pills she and I take; I almost mixed them up yesterday. They look too similar right now. She said we won't mix them up putting them in the same box. I tend to forget taking my vitamins so she put them with her pills to give them to me."
"I'll help you. I know what each one is for," Stacy offered.
"Thanks."
Tegan opened up two bottles of beers, one for her and one for Stacy. Sara didn't want one because she felt queasy. "I ate too much," she said. "I don't think I can even drink water right now." She was playing with Ella using the tea set the toddler left in Sara's place.
Stacy held up a red pill and looked at it closely. "This is your iron supplements, right?"
"Yes." Tegan thought Stacy knew well. What if she mixed them up and gave her the wrong pills on purpose to hurt her? No, don't think like that, stupid mind.
"I took these when I was pregnant."
"Stacy, uh…leave these, I know how to sort them," Sara said. She crawled to where Tegan and Stacy were sitting on the floor. "Give me…"
"Why are you taking this? Oh my God." Stacy held up a white tablet in her hand. Sara reached for it quickly.
"Uh…the doctor said so? These are my vitamins," Tegan said. "Sara, what the hell?" Sara closed the yellow box.
"These are not vitamins," Stacy observed.
"Stacy," Sara called out.
Sara's actions and the way she shouted confounded Tegan. She looked at her partner in perplexity. "What's going on?"
"Why the hell is she taking fertility drugs?" Stacy, who would die if she kept anything unsaid, blurted out.
"Fertility drugs?"
"Tegan, listen…"
"I can't fucking believe you," Tegan cried. "It makes sense. It makes perfect sense why I'm gaining weight, having hot flashes and is as aroused as a fourteen year old boy. I just…"
"Tegan," Sara attempted again. If she could murder Stacy, she would. She only hid it so Tegan would not feel terrible about herself. Her intentions were pure, but knowing this way made her seem like a monster and she felt like one. Tegan was going to despise her. Why didn't she think of it that way? "Dr. Anderson was going to tell you in the next appointment. You need these to get pregnant. At least two months before insemination. I didn't want to tell you now because I didn't want you to be paranoid about it and I didn't want you to watch your body and monitor the changes."
"Why would I? I already have a fucking monitor living with me." Tegan was frustrated, planting anger wherever her eyes looked.
"Calm down," Sara said. At least wait till Stacy's out. She wanted to send her signals through eye contact.
"I will not fucking calm down." Tegan's voice was loud and raging. The neighbors certainly loathed them. "God, I am tired. I am fucking tired. It's my body. My body. When are you going to get that it's my body?" Tegan started crying. "I have the right to know, tell her, tell her, " she addressed Stacy.
"Don't bring Stacy into this."
"I will," Tegan screamed. "Would you fucking let someone to control your body like that? Would you? Answer me, answer me…" Stacy was the wrong person to ask, she had already allowed her body to be controlled and chained and abused, but the moment of pain Tegan was in didn't permit her to think clearly. She felt that her heart was going to give up on her. She was trying her best to see Sara's actions as benign and good-natured, but this time she failed.
"Look, Tegan, I'm pretty sure there has been a misunderstanding, why don't you sit and we can discuss it…"
"Of course, of course you're going to fucking say this, you're her friend. While…" Tegan sniffled. "I have no one here that can defend me. I am so stupid and am taken advantage of. Do you even love me or do you just want my children?"
"How can you say this?" It was time for Sara to shout. "Is it about that? You don't want to have children? We won't. I asked you many times. That's why I asked you. I fucking made sure. I thought I was doing what's best, I swear. If you don't want children, we won't have children."
"Good, because we fucking won't." Tegan took a deep breath. "I'm going to the room and you're not coming in tonight. I need to be alone."
And so Tegan spent it crying all night while writing her graduation research paper in Sara's room. She had put on her music and muted any unnecessary voices that could disturb her sadness. That was the first serious fight she and Sara had during this relationship. It was one of those fights her parents used to have, the ones each relationship contained. It was serious and not serious at the same time. She still wanted to give Sara a child, but she hoped what she'd said would give Sara an idea of the fault in their relationship. She had never been so submissive, never in her life. With Emy, she was the one who set the rules and had the final word. Even with Jeremy, though he was the man, she still was the one whose words were never repeated twice. It was not a case of femininity and masculinity, she knew it, but men tended to be more dominating, except Jeremy. But Jeremy loved her and he was ready to set himself on fire for her.
She pondered if Stacy and her child were gone, if she had consoled Sara or reprimanded her. Stacy seemed shocked to learn that Tegan had been given these pills, which Tegan had spent a portion of her night Googling all their side effects. Her body felt like an experiment that's about to fail. Her mind felt like a small cube with pins poking out of it from every side.
When she woke up and left her room to go to the bathroom, the entire place smelled like a hospital. Stacy stood in the hallway near the closed bathroom door. She looked as if she hadn't had an hour of rest. "You're here?"
"She's been puking all night. Didn't stop. I couldn't leave her."
Tegan felt terrible. She went in the bathroom and saw Sara naked in the tub. "What happened?"
"I don't know," Sara said groggily. "I think the new hormone replacement is kinda foreign to my body, even though I've taken it before." Tegan sighed, she didn't have the energy to preach.
You're a mess and you want to start a family. A big mess. "I'm going to use the bathroom, I don't care that you're here I need to get to university."
"Me, too," Sara stood up.
"You want to go while feeling like this?"
"I have stopped throwing up for a few hours. I'll try not to eat much and drink tea."
Tegan didn't reply because she was angry, Sara thought. They took the quickest shower together while blankly staring at each other. They left the bathroom finding Stacy in the kitchen. A pang of guilt touched Sara's heart. She had made her friend sit all night with her as she cried and whined and complained about her relationship, she made her friend clean her puke the way she once did.
"Stace, you can shower."
"No, I need to get home quickly, shower, and get Ella to kindergarten then go to work. We both need to change." Tegan had already left to their room. "Are you good? You want anything?"
"No. Thank you so much."
"Anytime, Sara."
In class, to sneak out from lecturing, she made her students write a poem about what they were feeling in the morning while she sipped lemon-flavored tea and stared at Tegan closely, thinking of a way to make it up to her. After class she felt queasy again that she left quickly to her office and tried to empty her stomach in her own bathroom. She informed her secretary not to let anyone in so she could rest alone in her office.
Half an hour later, her phone wouldn't stop ringing. She picked it up angrily without taking a look at who was calling her. "Hello?" she said harshly.
"Sara?" Tegan spoke. "Where are you? I tried to come to your office but…"
"Oh, come, come, I told Celine not to let anyone in, I wanted to nap."
Silence and heaviness hovered in the air as both of them faced each other in Sara's office. A phone call interrupted Tegan's first sentence, making her huff in exasperation.
"Okay, alright. I'll be there in ten minutes."
Tegan sighed in sync with Sara when the professor hung up. "The dean has a meeting with every professor in the department in ten minutes. I guess we can't talk, again." Sara shook her head.
"I just wanna know why." Sara was dressed in pink, which was rather strange because Sara scarcely wore bright colors. She supposed the spring affected her choices. Her shirt was a button down and her trousers were Tegan's favorite high-waisted, grey ones.
"You know when I told you that you don't have a high sex drive? In order to conceive you have to take fertility drugs, especially that it would be your first child. When Dr. Anderson told me this, I didn't want to make you anxious with it, because you already were. We agreed to tell you they're just vitamins until we decided on a date to conceive, which we already talked about…June."
Tegan rubbed her eyes. We agreed, we decided, we did, we…we…we, what about me? "I should have had a saying. I am a human, you know that I am a human and this is my body you are deciding what to do with it. I feel like I am not in charge of my own life…" Tegan paused when Sara's glare grew intense. Sara was staring at something right behind Tegan. She tried to catch the professor's attention but Sara's eyes were fixed with displeasure.
Tegan looked behind her. Two students stood there, facing Sara. Tegan almost jumped. When the fuck did they get in? She looked at her partner again.
"Who let you in?" Sara asked.
"The door was not closed; we want to talk to you about…"
"Who allowed you in my office?" Sara was angry, in a way that anger could mean way more than it did.
"We want to talk to you about the other day in class." They both sat on the leather sofa.
"Did I tell you to sit?" Sara's cold and quiet tone made Tegan shiver. She'd seen Sara angry, but never this angry. What was that about? Tegan's heart raced. Sara's eyes were frightening. "I did not let you in. I did not tell you to sit. The girl here was telling me about something personal and you invaded her privacy." Her voice arose, it scared Tegan how much anger she could hold inside. No wonder her students despised her. Tegan's legs were shaking. "Get out of my office," Sara shouted.
"But…"
"I told you to get out," Sara screamed. "Are you stupid? You must be stupid that you're not leaving. Do you want me to make you leave myself?" Sara stood up.
When the two girls left, Tegan blinked and took a breath. "That was not necessary. That was very…"
"I hate these two. I hate them. They frustrate me and I didn't allow them in nor allow them to sit. Where the fuck is Celine?"
"You need to calm down." Tegan could see how shaky Sara felt, how frustrated, how outraged. Why all that? "Give yourself a break. We'll talk at home."
"Thank you," Sara mouthed. Tegan unzipped her backpack and handed Sara her water bottle. Sara took a swig and thanked her again.
"Keep it," Tegan muttered. Sara took her phone and walked out with Tegan who looked too concerned to let her go like that. She hadn't seen such a display of irritation. Sara was a monster in classes at times but never treated a student in such an inhumane way. She had exaggerated and it made sense why her students hated her guts.
"I'll be early when…" Sara paused and Tegan almost gasped too loudly when their eyes met a face so familiar to the two of them, to Sara more than Tegan.
"Wha…what are…" Sara couldn't let her voice leave her lungs as she looked up and down at the smiling man standing in front of her.
"Sara," Jack said. His voice was mellow, like sunrise, like a lullaby, like someone's favorite quote from a random book. Tegan could see why, why Sara paused and lost her words and her anger and her confidence all at once. It was Jack.
"What are you doing here?" Sara said after swallowing. Was Sara going to cry? Why did her irises look like the sun? Why were they so yellow and light and reflecting so much, so much credulity and purity?
"I'm going to teach here…starting the summer semester and onward. I was requested actually and I…I didn't mind it really, it's a change of scenery." Jack was looking at Tegan, examining her as he spoke. His words didn't make sense to her. "I came here today to receive my new office, I guess…" Jack looked at Sara's closed door and pointed at the one next to it. "I guess my office will be next to yours." Sara looked at the office Jack pointed at but Tegan couldn't. "I…there's this meeting to meet everyone. I'll just put my things and I'll catch up, I guess that's where you are going?"
Sara looked as if she was paralyzed when she nodded. Tegan wanted to throw up
"That's…she's a professor here? I think I've seen…oh, that's…isn't that your…oh…" Jack blinked. He removed his glasses, squinted at her and wore them again. She wanted to bark in his face because it felt that he would get scared and run. She didn't, though. She wanted to punch him in the eyes, too…but she didn't.
"That's Tegan, yes…we're getting married," Sara announced, or more likely, bragged. "Tegan that's…he's…"
"He's Jack, I know." Tegan walked away because if she stood another second she was going to choke Jack with his tie.