It had been quite the long day and her headaches wouldn't stop. It's her fifth cup of coffee since she had been savagely awakened by her wife at four in the morning. The men beside her and all around her talked nonsense, they were plain horrible at organization, forgetting that she was the Dean, and it was her decision at the end whether to add new materials starting Fall 2016/2017 or use the same old materials the School of Foreign Languages had had since it was established in 2008. They really did need to refresh the subjects, add new materials; especially in the English department, which she cared about mostly since she taught in this department and knew exactly what each subject lacked and how to deal with these issues. However, it was simply not the time to focus after the distraction she had received from Tegan and Stacy.
She had thought that maybe she could take a nap after going back, but the constant calls worried her and now she needed to take Tegan to the doctor right away. Perhaps it was another fractured cyst, which was quite possible. Did she curse her wife? That would be the worst. She hoped not.
"Why aren't you participating, lullaby?" the professor next to her asked. She looked up with shock on her sharp features. How dare he call her that in their work place?
"Dr. Antonoff, please understand this is a work environment," she mouthed under her breath. Jack only nodded. The guts he had to call her the old pet names she used to love, as if that was going to pull her in again. He never called her Pearly Eyes or Lullaby or any of these pet names once problems began to grow between the two of them. Why now? Why again? She was married. She was trying to have a baby…again.
Stacy was floundering and flailing between the whys and hows. She had witnessed that scene before with her best friend, how was it possible to witness it with her best friend's wife? And it was her who was supposed to carry the bad news to the wife. Sara was not going to take it well, not at all. And the shadow of anguish had hit home once again. How hard was life? How terrible, how cruel, how mean? Why couldn't it make them happy? Give them just that one thing, a baby; everyone could get a baby, why not them?
She decided not tell Sara over the phone; Sara wouldn't be able to drive, she might hurt herself. Therefore, Stacy texted Sara, asking her to call right after the meeting was over.
Ella was with her when they reached the hospital and it was not her shift anyway, she could not go inside with Tegan as a nurse nor even a companion. However, after some begging, she exchanged her shift with one of the nurses and went inside the operation room with the doctor who was supposed to stop the miscarriage of—shockingly—three fetuses. Tegan was supposed to have triplets…but not anymore. Stacy had to leave Ella outside with the receptionist. She thanked God millions of times she was working in this hospital and everybody knew her.
After the small operation was done, she and another nurse helped the younger woman get into a clean hospital gown and moved her to a room she was supposed to stay in for a night or more, if any troubles were found. Tears remained in her eyes as she was taking care of the patient. Tegan was still anesthetized so she was mostly not aware of her surroundings. She had the urge to kiss her forehead, tell her it was going to be fine, but she didn't. She couldn't. She squeezed her hand and watched her fall asleep, losing the small bits of consciousness she had.
Stacy held her daughter and talked to her as they sat outside Tegan's room. "Will Teetee be alright?" Ella asked with a frown on her small features.
"She will be." The mother smiled.
"So much blood there was." Ella was tearing up. "Just like when daddy hit you." How did that child remember the scene? Stacy felt disturbed.
"Oh, honey, that's different. Don't worry. She will be just fine. She needs to rest and she'll be okay tomorrow." Stacy kissed her daughter's nose, and that's when Sara called. It was a long meeting. All of that had happened and the wife was not aware. She took a deep breath and spoke, "Sara." She was shaking.
"What's up, Stacy? Is Tegan fine?" Her friend, too, was shaking. Her voice was breaking. "I saw the text message and I rushed out of university. I'm heading home right now."
"Come to the hospital."
"What?" Sara yelled. Stacy could hear the crowded street and the tens of cars honking. She could also hear the fury; but, most certainly, she could hear and feel the drop of a heart that was just told the terrible news. "Wh…what? What's going on?" Sara cried right away.
"She's fine," Stacy half-lied. "Come to the hospital."
"Tell me," Sara shouted. "Fucking tell me."
"Come to the hospital, Sara. She's tired. Just come here and I'll tell you." Stacy was quiet, but she spoke with gritted teeth. She did not want to yell. It was a hospital after all.
She had no idea how she didn't cause an accident while driving like a maniac, but that didn't matter anyway. She was in heavy tears, her mascara running down her eyes and her nose red as she asked for her wife. Stacy hugged her tightly when she saw her. She sobbed on Stacy's light pink uniform, but the friend didn't seem to care. My wife, my wife, her brain kept calling. Stacy was trying to hush her cries and Ella was rubbing her thighs in comfort, because that's the farthest her small figure could reach.
"Please, sit," Stacy whispered. "She's fine. She's asleep." Sara shook her head. She couldn't speak, but she wanted to see her. Screw everything, she wanted her lover. Screw everyone, she wanted Tegan. "I'll explain. Just sit down."
She sat down. Another nurse gave her a bottle of water and Stacy gave her tissues. They called the doctor but she was not ready to know what was going on with her lover. Maybe it was something mild, maybe it was something serious. She really didn't know.
"Just tell me," Sara begged.
"I need you to calm down, first." Stacy didn't know what to tell her. She couldn't do it. She didn't want to be the one that shocked her with the bad news. "Mandy, can you please take Ella with you for a couple of minutes?" Stacy told the other nurse. "Ella, honey, I want to talk to Sasa." Ella nodded in silence and walked away. "Do you want me to tell you or you want the doctor to do it?"
"Just tell me," Sara pleaded again.
"Tegan was having a miscarriage." Sara's eyes widened. Yes widened. No tears ran out of them. They were red and it felt as if they were harshly stinging, Stacy thought. Well, the heartbreak, she could feel it. But where were the tears that came to a sudden halt once she broke the news? "She was pregnant. Well barely four weeks but, umm, with triplets," her voice was broken as she whispered. She was scared of the reaction, especially that Sara seemed frozen. "She lost lots of blood...so…so she's gonna need some vitamins, iron supplements, some minerals, you know…" And she broke down in tears. "I'm so sorry, Sara." But Sara was too stunned to cry and that scared her friend even more.
But why? Why? How? No, no, why? She cursed her? How? No, why? She needed a reason. Was it a curse? Was it her fate? She dragged her lover along into her miserable fate? Three at the same time. Three. Not one, not two, three. Why? Just give me one reason, you up there. I believe in you, why do you let me down? Why did she even believe anymore? Was there someone up there? She was sure there was. Miracles happened to her. She awoke from the death. But why? They always told her that's his plan, Evelyn always said that. Was he that mean?
And the memories took her back again leaving her to ask thousands of other whys.
She was just sitting there. Yes, tired. She had not felt this tired throughout her entire pregnancy. Today was just brutal. She didn't do much. She was cleaning the apartment when she felt a sharp pain in her belly, so she lay down on the couch and talked to her tummy. She rubbed the protruding width, waiting for a kick or two as she had been receiving recently. There was nothing. "What's wrong, baby?" she whispered. "You're tired? Mummy made you tired? We just started cleaning, little girl." And then she felt a small kick. She laughed. "Oh, is that a yes?" Another kick, but this one made her scream. "Whoa, whoa. Relax, Alice. You're making mummy tired." Another wave of pain hit her lower abdomen. Jack was not home yet.
She stayed lying there on her back for about half an hour, rubbing her stomach and talking to her baby. Her mother called to check up on her as she did twice a week. Her mother never called as much until she married Jack—of course. She rolled her eyes at the memory. When she informed her family she's carrying, her mother called even more. Well, they finally got what they wanted.
"How are you doing today?"
"A little bit tired."
"Oh, why? Exhaustion hit already?" Evelyn asked.
"Kind of. I was cleaning and I felt the sharpest pain in my lower abdomen. I sat on the sofa and she kicked a lot. It was kinda painful. I feel better now but I'm kind of uncomfortable."
"Sara, be careful. Don't carry heavy luggage or move frequently," her mother advised. Sara rolled her eyes.
"Mum, I didn't. I always clean the house. I'm healthy and fine. Some pregnant women do sports and run and swim and do everything."
"It's your first pregnancy and it's a little bit…"
"Mum…" Sara cut her off. "I know. It could be risky. I talked to my doctor about this, don't worry. Plus, I'm like in my third trimester right now. My baby's fine."
"Alright." The mother sighed in defeat. Sara hated when her mother preached. When was this woman going to understand that her little girl was not little anymore? Never, that was the answer. "I just called to tell you that my flight will reach at four in the morning. I don't want you or Jack to wake up and come to the airport. I'll take a cab." She still didn't know how she was going to manage staying with this insufferable woman till she gave birth. Her mother insisted she should visit, just in case Sara had an early birth like her and needed her around. As if Sara was going to need anything from her. Sara rolled her eyes again.
"Alright, mother. I'll inform Jack." God knows which hooker Jack was fucking at that particular moment. Sara stopped caring a long time ago. She stopped asking anyway. She pretended that everything was perfect. She was going to have this child and everything was going to be perfect once again.
She watched TV and ate a little. However, soon the pain returned and she felt queasy. The kicks also returned. Jack was still not home. "You took a nap and now you woke up, honey?" she talked to her stomach. "Daddy's still not home. It's 9:00 P.M. I'm starting to get worried." She felt the waves of pain increase. "What's going on, sweetie? Are you hurt? Why are you hurting me?" Tears began to collect on the lids of her eyes.
She did not know she had taken her own nap until she was awakened with gentle kisses from her husband. She moaned a little bit until she opened her eyes. "Jack?" Her vision was still blurry.
"Sleepy head," Jack remarked, kissing her plump lips once again.
"What time is it?" she asked.
"10:30," Jack answered.
"You're late." She tried to sit up, but the pain returned right away. "Oh, shit."
"Are you okay?"
"I've been having cramps the entire day."
"Cramps?"
"Yeah…like period cramps, I swear. And she won't stop kicking." Sara yawned. "I'm sore and tired."
Jack put his head on his wife's baby bump. Sara laughed as she looked at him trying to hear what's in there. A kick happened and Jack jumped. "Whoa. She's angry." Jack took off his glasses and blazer.
"Yeah. I ate, I talked to her, I rested." Sara closed her eyes again as another wave took her by surprise. "Shit."
"Wanna go to the doctor?"
"It's late," Sara said.
"To the ER?" Jack asked. He seemed worried, and that's the only reason (besides loving him endlessly) Sara stuck around.
"No, I'm not that hurt." Jack put his hand on her abdomen after lifting up Sara's big black sweater.
"How many layers are you wearing? The place's hot." Sara was wearing a black tank top underneath. He pulled it up a little bit. She giggled. "Aren't pregnant women supposed to feel hot all the time?"
"Well, not me." Sara removed her sweater as her husband started to rub her exposed belly. His hands were warm; it gave her such a nice feeling.
He kissed her tummy and made her giggle when he continued talking to their baby. "Is this gonna make you calm down, Alice?" Jack asked. "Daddy kissing mommy's tummy is working?" Sara giggled some more. "It seems like your mom likes it."
"It seems that she likes it, too." The kicking had stopped, yet the discomfort remained. Jack kissed her rosy lips.
"You are adorable, do you know that?" Sara hummed. "When you lisp and giggle? I just wanna squeeze you." Sara giggled again. "I miss you. I miss your body."
"Well…" Sara opened her arms and pointed at herself. "It's all yours." Jack's smirk was beautiful and malicious. He unbuttoned his shirt's top buttons and pulled up the sleeves. Sara waited. "Are we gonna fuck right here on the couch?"
"I'm gonna enjoy your body right here. It's all about you now."
Sara raised an eyebrow. "How come, professor?" Her husband laughed. "Last time I checked, it hadn't been about any of us since a month ago."
"I've been taking care of my own…stuff." Sara nodded. "And no, not with other women." He said with assuring eyes, but Sara did not care any longer.
"With other men?" she joked, however.
Jack laughed, raising his fist. "With this girl right here."
"You're disturbing."
"You're too gay to understand." He kissed her lips again.
"I'm not even going to deny it." Her hands rubbed the muscles in his arms as he kissed down to her neck. "I haven't come since that morning you woke me up."
"Yeah, it's been over a month," Jack commented. "You know, it seems like such a lie that you do not touch yourself." Sara laughed. "How come?"
"I used to in the past. Now, I just, I don't know." She sighed. "I have you. I'd tell you if I need it urgently."
"Do you need it now?" he asked.
"Desperately." He kissed her once again and pulled up the tank top. She was not comfortable in her skin, but he really didn't care about it, that's what he always told her. When he took more than few seconds staring at her large breasts, she pulled down her top. "You don't have to look at them."
"Why not?" He seemed surprised; he raised the black top again. "They're gorgeous."
"Nooo," she whined. "They're disgusting. Big and heavy and disgusting. And look at my nipples, like what the fuck is that? Why are they so huge?" He laughed. "I'm serious. They better get back the way they were when I give birth."
"I doubt it." Her husband began to knead the heavy breasts carefully. She had never been as tender and he was aware of it. "You're planning to breastfeed, babe." Sara moaned in protest. "Look, you're beautiful. You're fucking gorgeous. If I could take you out nude in the street and be like, look how hot my knocked up wife looks, I would. But of course I'm not gonna do that because you know how I don't like to share." Why did he make her feel this terrific about herself? Why did she allow it? Once she was down, he made her feel like garbage, and she also allowed it. Tough love, it was tough love.
"Oh, shit," Sara screeched when the white substance was squeezed out of her left nipple while Jack was fondling her.
"Wow, did you just?" Jack tried it again, and her nipple squirted some white liquid.
"Is that milk?" Sara sat up. "Isn't that too early? What the fuck?" Sara was freaking out. "Oh, wait, I read in some pregnancy books, like, the boob would start leaking some white stuff in preparation. It's not really milk, but like it's the beginning of it or something. I read the baby can even feed from it."
"Well, that's just…" Jack was speechless. "Wow. Are you that close to giving birth?"
"I guess?" Now that scared Sara. What if she really ended up having an early birth like her mother? She did not want a premature baby.
Jack removed her shorts and underwear and spread her legs. "I need you to relax. Forget the little situation in there, right now." Sara was still checking her breasts, wondering what was going on in her body.
She was wet when Jack started teasing her cunt. However, it seemed that Jack noticed a new change in her body. "You're very loose compared to last time I slept with you."
"You're fucking me with your finger, Jack," Sara stated. Was that a comment about her vagina? She hoped she was not really loose.
"No, Sara." Jack shook his head. "There's some dilation. There's something different. I guess your body is really preparing."
"Oh." She was becoming fear-stricken by the minute.
Jack made her come, but it didn't feel special at all because she was not paying too much attention to her orgasm as much as she was focusing on the growing, numbing pain in her entire body.
"Why don't you just rest here a little bit?" Jack said after helping her put her clothes on.
"I need to pee." She got up. "The pain is growing." Her husband followed her to the bathroom. She hated when someone heard her peeing, but she was slowly getting used to it around Jack. Katina hated such intimate connection, Jack didn't.
They went to bed and Sara slept again. They woke up when Sara's mother arrived to their place at 5:30 in the morning. The mysterious pain was gone for the moment as she sat in the living room with her husband and her mother. The older woman commented on the apartment and on her body. Sara smiled without mouthing any words as Jack had advised.
"Mother, don't you maybe want to rest? We prepared the extra room for…Oh, God," Sara screeched as a wave of pain hit her lower abdomen once again. She squeezed her eyes shut and held her protruding belly.
"Again?" Jack rushed to sit by her side as she tried to breathe. The pain only grew worse. She began to cry.
"Sara? What's going on? You're still hurt?" Evelyn wondered cautiously.
"Oh God, oh God. I can't take it." She felt herself getting slightly dizzy as the pain and pressure increased.
"Let's get you to the ER, Sara," Jack asked. "Shit, Sara, you're bleeding," He shouted as he notice the accumulating red liquid between his wife's legs.
Sara's memories faded as she listened to the doctor describe what had happened to her wife and where would that take them from there. Nothing was out of the ordinary, apparently. Her body simply refused the fetuses. Maybe because they were three, maybe because her body was not ready. It happened to a lot of women, the doctor told Sara. It might happen again, it might not. Sara remained frozen with silent tears escaping her lids.
"Sara, you've been awfully quiet," Stacy stated as the doctor walked away. "Please speak, you're scaring me."
"Tegan's gonna kill you for making the hot male doctor look at her vagina," Sara said. Tears still ran out of her eyes. It was denial or fake strength, Stacy guessed. It was one of those. Sara was crying but she couldn't let her eyes show it. Her tears ran and her lids were wide open with fear that was rather apparent.
"He's the best doctor. She was in a critical situation, Sara. We needed immediate care."
"I want to see her."
"Of course. I just checked on her. She's awake. She needs you."
She was awake. She was crying. She was in pain. When her wife approached her, her sobs increased and her wails got louder. She stretched out her arms for Sara to take. Sara hugged her and held her shaking hand as she wept and wailed on the woman's shoulder.
"It's okay. It's okay. It's going to be okay," her wife was not crying. Her wife took her hand and squeezed it tightly, kissed her forehead and wiped her falling tears; but her wife was not crying. Her eyes were bloodshot and makeup-stained, but they were glassy and transparent. "I'm so sorry," She sat right beside her on the bed, held her face close to her chest and lulled her. She tried to calm down but it felt like her entire body was revolting this departure.
"Three. I lost three."
"Shhhh. It's alright."
"We lost three." She cried more. How was that possible? Why did she feel so empty? Was that how Sara had felt? Had been feeling? Sara lost a child after birthing it; that would have been harder. Was that karma for not understanding how her wife felt? Why did everything that once happened to Sara happen to her now? "I'm hurt."
Sara kissed her lips quickly and wiped more tears. "We will overcome this." She knew Sara's heart must've been broken; shattered in millions and millions of pieces, so why was she not crying? She was trying to be strong, the strongest of them. It was so like Sara to carry the burdens of the world on her shoulder. "I'm sorry I couldn't see it," Sara whispered. "I'm sorry for this morning."
"We will try again until it works. It has to work." She was promising things her body was not capable of. She could feel nothing but fatigue and pain, and yet she was more than ready to restart and try again. Sara was right; when you can't get it, you become obsessed with it.
"Hey, hey, don't think about that now. Just rest." But she could do nothing other than thinking of it. Nothing in her was able not to obsess over it.
"Is that how it felt? That much? It hurt that much?" Sara nodded—and then she saw a little tear roll down her eyes. "It hurts so bad." Sara nodded again. "My body hurts. I am in pain."
"Tegan?" Stacy came in. "How are you feeling?" Ella was with her, hiding behind her legs. Tegan didn't answer. "Can I check on you?" Tegan didn't answer. "Ella, sit on that chair, dear." Ella obeyed silently.
"Tee?" Sara asked.
"Everyone saw me naked in here," she mouthed. "You, the other nurse, that dude doctor." Sara smiled while tears ran past her lids. "I can't believe you saw me naked."
"It's okay, Tee," Sara said. "She's trying to help you. She's a nurse."
"I see naked women every day, Tegan," Stacy commented as she checked the younger woman's pulse and the intravenous tube.
"How are you not gay yet?" Tegan rambled. "I'd be gay." She was crying, but she was rambling and Stacy was smiling.
Stacy lifted up the blanket and looked inside. "Well," she spoke, "I'm not exactly a hundred percent straight either."
"Yeah, I figured," Tegan said.
"So you need some changing down there," Stacy remarked.
"Why am I still bleeding?" Tegan huffed. More tears appeared. "Isn't it over? Aren't they gone?"
Sara took her hand again, gave it a little squeeze. "Honey, you know when a woman gives birth she kinda bleeds for awhile after it. Like, a month or a little bit more. It depends."
"But I didn't give birth. I miscarried." Tegan was crying once again.
"Yes, but I guess that's how nature works. You're going to bleed for a little over two weeks maybe. Right?" Stacy nodded. "It's your body getting rid of all the stuff that's not good for you." Tegan closed her eyes as a fountain of tears continued escaping their tired lids. "It's hard. Trust me, I know."
Sara's frail heart felt like a massive rock sitting inside her chest. At one moment she felt like it was a great burden she needed to get rid of, at another she felt like it's what she needed to hold on to in order to stay alive. At one moment it felt cold, frozen, and frigid; the other it felt soft, like melting snow; soon to be evaporating. She heard her wife cry for hours without a halt. It was pain, Tegan kept repeating. Sara did not know if her wife meant the physical or the emotional pain that was giving her such a hard time, but she could sense each sting and each sharp kick and each small twist, because she had gone through all of that and even worse.
Sara called Sonia to fill her in but the reaction she received was shocking to her. Well, it was not a shocking reaction from a mother, but it was shocking to Sara because she never expected her own mother to bawl and cry that much for her daughter's pain. Sonia cried on the phone. Sonia was hurt. Tegan cried as well.
"You're hurt and you're not by my side," Sonia said. "I can't take care of you and make you feel better." But she was there; Sara was there by her side. She knew Sonia probably blamed her for what was happening to her daughter at the moment. If it wasn't for her constant nagging, Tegan wouldn't be lying in the hospital right now. Tegan had probably told her mother about how much Sara had begged for a child.
Sara only felt worse by the minute.
"I need you, mom." If there was anything that was bound to break her heart more, it was this sentence. It was not only jealousy but it was guilt. She needed her mother not her wife. Everybody needed their mothers, everybody loved their mothers, and all mothers loved their daughters except her own mother that never made her feel safe, never made her feel normal and fine.
"Just tell me to come and I'll be here by tomorrow, baby."
"No," Tegan said. "I'll be fine. Sara's here. She's taking care of me." Tegan must have felt her fiery envy. For sure she understood it.
"Sara," Sonia called, "you're going to take care of my daughter. Take care of her, please. Don't leave her mourn on her own. My heart can't bear it."
"Of course I will." Maybe her voice was loud, maybe it was defensive, maybe it was full of anger; but she couldn't help it. That was her wife; of course she was going to take care of her. Tegan was the love of her life, her everything. "She's all I have," she said gently. "Of course I'll take care of her." Sara started to cry. Yes, those were tears, real tears; not frozen ones. "She's the only thing I have, the only one I have." Tegan's hand was on her left knee as she sobbed.
She wondered what it would have felt like if Evelyn treated her the same way once she lost Alice; she wondered what it would have felt like if her mother was gentle and caring. She wondered and remembered.
The screaming and the crying, the screaming and the crying—the screaming and the crying—she lay in her bed and blocked all the thoughts of the past two weeks. She practiced all types of mental exercises to forget the way Jack told her that their baby was gone. If it wasn't for him, she would be dead…like her daughter.
Fully nude, she lay on the white sheets of her bed; she bled on them and cried on them. She put her hand over the scar that still needed time to heal. She traced the long band-aid above her stitches as she tried to block the horrific scenes of the weeks before. It was just hard. She was there in her arms. Jack told her it was an illusion, a dream. Right now she really didn't know what it was. She was in too much pain to remember anyway. She put her hand between her legs. She still needed to heal, but she also needed to make another baby. When was Jack coming home?
Her mother was outside of the room, cooking or cleaning; whatever her mother did. She needed Jack. Why was he taking too long? He was probably getting drunk, touching other women. He had been coming back home drunk for the past two days, just so he could block her tears; she knew that. He also fucked other women, she could tell. She always could tell when he did that. He didn't hug her, he didn't kiss her forehead. He stayed away from her. Therefore, tonight she was going to present herself naked to him.
Ugly. Ugly and disgusting, but she was going to give him all her ugliness. It was for him. For him to take. Her breasts still oozed that white milk-like substance out of them, or maybe that was milk. She didn't know. She didn't care. Her body was prepared to receive not to lose. Her womb was crying, so was her heart.
When Jack arrived, he was as wasted as his wife had anticipated; however, he was capable enough to hurt her with his words and attitude. "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Let's have sex." Sara sat on the mattress. Her belly was still big, her breasts were swollen and saggy, her hair was all over her face. "Let's make a new baby."
"You're bleeding all over the fucking mattress." Jack began taking his clothes off. "Go put some clothes on, Sara."
"Just fuck me," she pleaded. "Put a baby in me. Please."
"Are you losing it?" he shouted. "You must be fucking losing it."
"Please," she begged. "Get her back inside, please."
"You can't even carry. We have to try in-vitro again." She hopped out of bed and walked to him. "Sara, you're fucking disgusting. That's not you." His voice was loud, and her cries were louder. "Go put something on."
"My body disgusts you, doesn't it?" She hiccuped as she cried. "I am a failure."
"Goddamn it," he screamed. She jumped. "Look at you. You're fucking bleeding all over the damn place." She looked down between her legs. She didn't care. "You haven't even healed, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Her cries only increased. "You're so fucking disgusting right now. I can't stay here if you're gonna act like a fucking child. Let your mother take care of you and call me when you're fucking sane again."
Evelyn rushed inside the bedroom once the husband stormed out with raging anger. "What's with all…Sara, what the hell?" Her mother covered her mouth at the scene in front of her. "You showed up like that in front of your husband?"
"He doesn't love me. I'm not enough for him."
"Well, of course he doesn't love you," the mother rebuked. "A wife should always be decent. Should look pretty and clean. Should never show her weakness in front of her husband. No man wants to see the woman he married in such a revolting picture. No man wants to see his wife bleeding. A man wants to see his wife dolled up for him like crystal, Sara."
"Shut up, just shut up," Sara yelled back the same tone her mother was using with her. "Jack isn't like your fucking husband."
Barely finished her sentence, Sara was slapped across the face by her mother. "That's your father you're talking about."
She held her face with a hand and held her abdomen with another as she turned around and walked to the bathroom. Her mother followed. She didn't know why.
"You want compassion? You'll never get it with this attitude of yours. You want your husband to take care of you? He never will when you're looking like that. That's a fact, Sara, nobody wants to see a woman weak, because she's already weak. And that's too much for the eyes to take. You keep these faults in your body to yourself because nobody wants to see or help. Nobody. You keep that to yourself. You don't show it to anyone. Nobody wants to see that."
Sara sat on the closed toilet seat and cried.
"You have to get over it. Stand up and be the woman he married. You can't be weak. They don't like that." Her mother faced her by sitting on her knees on the floor. "When I gave birth to you, I was allowed to moan and cry for an hour, Sara. Then the next day I was terrific, as perfect as I ever been. He never sensed the pain or the hollowness in my chest. They don't understand and they never will. I kept it to myself and you should do that, too."
Relationships did not work like that, was her mother aware of that? Plus, Sara had lost her daughter, why couldn't they understand how hard that was? Why couldn't her mother let her mourn in peace?
"I hate you," Sara responded. "You don't love me. Nobody ever loves me. You don't love me and you don't comfort me like mothers do. I hate you." Evelyn slapped her again.
"You're the last person on earth who should accuse me of not loving them, Sara." Her mother held the soft red cheeks she had just hurt in both hands. "The last person on earth."
"You don't love me," Sara repeated.
"Shut up."
"You don't," Sara insisted. "You want me the way you imagined me not the way I am. You don't."
"You can't say that." Even though her mother hugged her tightly, she still couldn't feel the love her mother said she owned. "You don't know anything. You don't know how much I sacrificed for you," her mother's accent usually got thicker when she cried; Sara had forgotten.
"I lost my baby," Sara cried. "I lost my baby, mum. I lost her and nobody cares. Nobody cares. Jack doesn't care. They…they expect me to continue living as if nothing has happened. Nobody cares."
"You have to continue living as if nothing has happened, Sara."
Her mother did not care, too. It's as if she was speaking to a brick wall. Nobody was going to comfort her, to take care of her. She just needed a gentle hand to rub her aching wounds. She needed someone to tell her it was okay, she was not disgusting, she was beautiful. Nobody did.
Stacy coming in with a duffel bag she brought from Sara's house made Sara's memories reach to a stop. "I'm sorry I'm late," the nurse whispered. Tegan was asleep and Ella was asleep on Sara's lap. Stacy had gone to the married couple's house to bring Tegan some clothes. "I cleaned the blood in the bathroom. Didn't want you to go and see it on the floor."
"Was it too much?" Sara asked. "Ella asked me why Tegan's vagina was bleeding. Did she see everything?" Stacy sat on the couch next to her friend. Her eyebrows were furrowed as she stared at her sleeping daughter.
"She barely saw anything. What did you tell her?" Her daughter was starting to use the words she had been hearing Sara and her wife uttering each time they're around. It angered Stacy that Ella had managed to grasp some filthy words and some concepts that the mother did not want her to learn at that age.
"I told her that older women bleed from their vaginas sometimes and it's normal but the insides of Tegan were hurt and that's why she had to come to the hospital." Sara chuckled. "I think she took it pretty well."
"Wow, that kid." Stacy chuckled, too. "She's going to be traumatized."
"She won't. She's smart, Stacy."
"Yeah, I don't even know how she noticed it," Stacy said. "I heard Tegan screaming in the bathroom. I went in there and closed the door right away. Then I saw…" Stacy wiped the tears that suddenly began to escape her eyes. "God, Sara, it's like it was you. It's the same scene I saw when you were ill. Just a huge mass of blood on the floor. I knew immediately what that was." Sara started to cry, too. "She fainted when I told her. I helped her get her clothes off and got her in the bathtub. She regained her consciousness as I was trying to wash her up. I left the bathroom and returned with clothes. I covered her up quickly and helped her get in the car. She was half awake when I got her here."
"I cursed her," Sara said. "It's my curse, I swear. It's my fate and I got her into it. She's cursed now."
"Don't say that." Stacy smiled through tears. "You did not. She's fine, Sara. I promise you you're going to have the baby you want. Just give it time. Do you know how many miscarriages we deal with on a daily basis in the hospital? And then those same women I helped them with their miscarriage, I help them in labor after some time. As long as there's nothing wrong with her, you should be thankful."
"I am more than thankful. I just want her to be fine." Sara was caressing the hair of the four-year-old in her arms. "I just want her to overcome this now. That's what I want. I want her to feel alive again."
Tegan stayed in the hospital till the next day. The doctor examined her in the morning and her friends called in the afternoon. Emy had spent the entire night dialing up Tegan's phone; it was at home. Therefore, she called Sara and the professor filled her in on what had happened. Sonia called once again. Stacy checked up on Tegan as it was her job to do so.
Everyone was moving, carrying on with their days as if nothing had happened. Even Sara, her own Sara, moved and talked and tried her best to smile politely to the doctor that was examining her. Despite the bags under her eyes, the swollen lids and pale face, Sara still moved while the life inside Tegan seemed to have ceased itself since the day before. Something was not moving inside her brain. But she didn't even know she was carrying, why was it so hard? Why was this loss draining her? Sara kissed her forehead, allowed her to cry and grief; and she was thankful for that.
At home she slept for long hours while Sara cleaned the big house. Ella sat next to her on the mattress and colored. When she awoke, Ella was watching a muted cartoon.
"Tegum," Ella said excitingly. "Good morning, Teetee." Ella made her smile. She hadn't smiled in days. It's as if this child's broken accent was the cure for everything. She hugged the little girl and kissed her head.
"It's not morning," gently, Tegan said. "It's night, I guess."
"Oh." Ella covered her eyes. "But that's what mummy says when I wake up."
"Because you wake up in the morning, silly."
"Oh."
Tegan laughed. She never thought she'd laugh again, but she did. "I love you, little angel." The four-year-old giggled. She kissed Tegan's cheek.
"I love you, too."
"Oh, see, they're exchanging love," Stacy said as she and Sara walked in. Sara had a plate in her hand. "No need to worry."
"Tee, you need to get some food in your system." Sara's voice was quiet, broken, marred with disappointment.
"And, El, we need to go home," Stacy said. "Tegan, I'll come here before work to check on you tomorrow."
"The last meeting is tomorrow, I don't know how I'll go," Sara mumbled worriedly while helping her wife sit up.
"You have to go, Sara. I'm fine."
"I can't leave you alone." Sara's eyes were too light, maybe because she had been crying. When Sara cried, the color of her irises went a shade lighter, a bit softer.
"I can be alone."
Sara seemed distracted, too. She was caged in her own thoughts. She seemed lost, dazed. "Maybe I can call your friends while I'm gone."
"And then I'll take care of her once my shift is over," Stacy offered.
"Yeah," Sara said unenthusiastically. "That'll work."
Before Sara's friend was gone, Tegan asked, "Can you keep Ella for the night?"
"Yay. Yes, yes, yes, mummy."
Her wife looked at her with wonder in her eyes. "Please?" Tegan pleaded. "She makes me feel better." Tegan's tears returned to her eyes.
"I'm not sure you guys can handle her. I mean her sleeping routine…" Tegan was crying. "And she wakes up in the middle of the night scared. Sometimes she wakes up to go to the bathroom."
"Mummy, please." The child hugged the crying woman.
"Stacy," Sara said, "it's okay. I can handle her."
"Uh…okay. I guess…" Stacy had never spent a night without her daughter before. Even when she visited Sara in her darkest times, she had taken her daughter along. The bed would feel empty and strange without the kid, but she didn't say no. "…she has pajamas and clothes in here, yeah?"
"Yeah, don't worry about it," Sara said. "I'll call if something happens." But Stacy's apartment was thirty minutes away. It would take her time to get to Sara's house if anything happened, anyway.
Ella got inside the covers next to Tegan. They laughed and giggled while they colored together. Sara heard Tegan asking for the red crayon and Ella asking for the yellow one. It did not make her happy; it only made her more nostalgic. She needed to release her tears, but she couldn't. She prepared a cup of coffee for herself and a book she had no interest in reading. She began to take her clothes off when Tegan interrupted her action.
"Sare!" She gave Sara a questioning look that she was not able to understand until Tegan pointed at her semi-nude body. Sara looked at her underwear-clad form and shrugged. "There's a kid," Tegan whispered, but Sara didn't care.
"You sound like Stacy." Sara took off her bra. She walked casually to the closet to fish a large shirt she could put on to rest through the night.
Tegan's eyes widened when the little girl screamed Sara's favorite excuse, "They're just boobies."
"Yeahhh," Sara chanted with laughter. "That's my girl," she continued. "We all have boobies."
"Yeah." Ella's face was red and happy. Maybe her staying with them was a great idea to distract them both from their lonely thoughts. "Except me," shouted Ella, covering her face in embarrassment.
"You'll have them when you grow up," Sara said. She joined her wife and the little kid inside the covers. Her heart felt weary, but it was going to be fine.
"Stacy's gonna kill you," Tegan said. Sara leaned in to kiss her. Ella squealed watching their lips lock.
Sara woke up at five in the morning simply because her sleep was over. She tried her best not to make any sound; therefore, she used the bathroom outside of her room. She prepared a cup of coffee and cooked breakfast for the two girls still sleeping inside. She switched on the television to watch the morning news as she did daily. The sun shining from the large French window was charming. It looked hot and scorching, but it was breathtaking. She wanted to get up and walk to the balcony; she desired to enjoy the heat of the sun; she craved to be purified by its shining shimmer; she needed to be cleansed by its healing rays.
However, before she acted on her needs, Ella was at her feet crying her eyes out.
"What's wrong?" Sara picked up the crying toddler and placed her on her lap. Ella threw her head on Sara's chest. "El, honey, what's wrong?"
"I thought you're gone."
"Here I am. Where would I go?" Sara tried to look into her eyes but they were closed.
"I woke up and you were not there. Only Tegum."
"I'm right here, kid." She kissed Ella's forehead. "I woke up and came right here. You had a bad dream?" Ella nodded. "Tell me about it." Ella shook her head.
"I have to go to the bathroom."
"Let's go, let's go."
Stacy showed up as she had promised. Tegan was still asleep.
"I think she's fine. She woke up to go to the bathroom and slept again."
"Sure she doesn't need anything?" Stacy asked.
"No, don't worry. Ella staying here really made her relax."
"That's good."
"Keep her," Sara suggested.
"Ella?"
"Yes," Sara said. "Keep her here. Tegan's friends are gonna arrive at nine. Before I leave."
"Emy?"
"Uh, yes, Emy." There was a long pause. Sara watched Stacy think. "And Jeremy," she added. "Come on, for Tegan. Please?"
"But…what if?"
"They're grownups. Who do you usually keep her with?"
"Oh, my neighbor has a little girl her age she likes to play with. I actually keep her there almost every day."
"Linda?" Sara smirked.
"Yeah?" Stacy furrowed her brows. "How did you know?"
"I think your baby has a little crush on Linda."
"Shut up. They're kids." Sara was laughing. "They're babies."
"It's cute. She didn't shut up about her since the night before."
Eventually, Ella stayed at Sara's house. Tegan woke up and had breakfast in the balcony. The breeze made her relax. The sun helped her heal. It was the sun after all; it stitched the deepest of wounds.
When her friends visited, they all sat in the living room. They both hugged her, giving her a basket full of candy and flowers. Ella seemed happier about the candy than Tegan. Sara asked them to take care of Ella and Tegan before she left.
"Stacy's daughter," Emy said. "The spawn of Satan…literally."
Ella glared at the blue-eyed brunette and Jeremy gave her a look.
"Emy got boobies, too," Ella remarked loudly.
"What?" dumbfounded, Emy asked. Jeremy laughed. Tegen, on the other hand, could only smile. "That's probably something your wife had to do with."
"Yeah, you guessed it."
Her friends made her feel good, yes. Everyone was trying their best to distract her, to extinguish the flames in her chest, to erase the images in her head, to act as if nothing had happened. Emy and Jeremy did not bring up the miscarriage for a second. They said they were sorry and asked how was she holding up and that was it. She wanted them to care. She wanted them to talk about it. She wanted them to bring it. She did not want to be distracted because, simply, she was not. Her mind continued thinking about the loss. Why was it so hard? Why couldn't her heart stop crying? How could Sara handle it after holding her own child?
That's why Sara was obsessed, right?
Sara finished the series of meetings with a successful arrangement: the material was going to be reviewed and improved throughout the next two years, starting with the department that concerned her mostly; the English department.
She called Tegan twice to check up on her. Everything seemed fine, except the life in her lover's voice was still absent. God knows when was it going to be restored.
Before she could leave, the man she hoped would not approach her decided to walk right beside her and start a conversation she was not willing to participate in.
"It seemed like a great start for the semester for me. Everyone here is nice, you know." He chuckled. "Canadians are the nicest. I'm very excited to teach the Shakespeare course next semester." She knew what he was trying to do; he was trying to tease her, to piss her off, to make her speak. "So, umm, I noticed you rushed out with tears in your eyes two days ago. Just checking if everything's fine at home?"
It was unbelievable. He was unbelievable.
Sara stopped walking. Her eyes glared at him and her arms were folded against her chest. Her jaw was clenched. "Who do you think you are?"
"Excuse me?"
"You think we are friends? Buddies? What do you exactly think you are to me?"
"An Ex-husband." His voice got louder, meaner.
"Exactly." Hers, too. Shortly, she said, "You are only an ex-husband. Nothing more. If you want to speak to me, only speak to me when there is business. Stop texting me, stop calling me with whatever pet name you think will reel me back in, because that's the last thing that could happen on earth."
"I'm trying to make amends. Trying to be a friend. I've lived with you for years. I hold love for you no one can ever feel nor understand. I'm trying to be your friend, Sara."
"And I don't want your friendship." She was not going to break. She was not going to fall for his empty words. Tegan loved her more than he loved her, she was sure of that. And even if Tegan did not love her more, she still loved Tegan more than she could ever love Jack. "I want you to stay away from me and my family."
"Family?" His brows were up. His eyes were wide.
Sara almost cried.
Yes, family. So what? She lied. Tegan was her family. They were almost a small family. So what? She lied. She wanted to hurt him the way he had hurt her before. She wanted him to taste just a sip of the pain she had tasted. So what? "Yes, my family." Her voice was broken. Could he see the lie? The ache? The heartbreak? "The only reason you are running after me now is to quench your crushed ego now that I am happily married with someone I love and who, actually, loves me back. It happens to be a woman, and this makes it even harder for you that a woman can make me happier than you had ever done." Her words were daggers, her lips were a knife. Jack could not utter any word but a subdued apology before walking away with his head down.
Sara had finally won.
Why didn't it feel as great? Why?
Stacy arrived at quarter past five with Italian food for dinner. "Sara's going to be a little bit late, so why don't we eat?"
"Well, we're going now," Jeremy announced.
"No, stay," Tegan said. "Join us."
"Uh, I have this thing I need to go to," Emy said.
"And I promised Denise I'll have dinner with her," Jeremy said. "She's cooking."
"Oh, alright." Tegan felt thankful that Jeremy took a break from work just to visit her today. She didn't want to insist.
When they left, Stacy said, "They didn't wanna stay because of me." It was strange that she seemed hurt, but Tegan couldn't blame her friends for not wanting to stay with this woman around. Yes, Stacy helped her. She was nice to her. Yet, she was still Stacy.
"Don't say that," Tegan said. She had to. What would she say anyway?
"How long has Ella been asleep?"
"About 20 minutes. She ran a lot. Lost some energy."
"Was she a handful?"
"Not at all," Tegan answered. "She's amazing."
"Why is she so naughty when I'm around then?" Tegan shrugged. "I guess because she knows you're tired and she doesn't want you to hate her."
"Yeah," muttered Tegan.
"How are you holding up?" Tegan shrugged. "Still in pain?" Tegan nodded. "Is there anything I can do to help?" Tegan looked at her for a few seconds. She opened her mouth to speak but then only nodded. "There is?"
"I think."
"What is it?"
"Who's your gynecologist?"
"Uh…Why?"
"I'm asking you, answer me."
"Well, in Vancouver I had one. I rarely went because I can, you know, do the stuff on my own." Tegan widened her eyes. "I don't have a specific one here yet. Only got a physical once at Sara's GP. Didn't really try her gynecologist. I mean, I can pretty much do whatever I want down there. I know what's going on."
"How?" Tegan asked in a loud, surprised octave.
"Fifteen years experience in the gynecology department of the hospitals. I was the head of the nursing staff in that department before I came here.I have an MS in Women's Health Nurse Practitioner."
"Holy fuck," Tegan exclaimed. "You have a firking Masters of Science in that?"
Stacy nodded with a smile. She felt proud.
"But how come you live in a shitty apartment and work like…with a shitty salary?" Stacy sighed.
"I came all of a sudden here. It was a sudden move," she paused. "My husband used to take my money to get drunk." She looked at her plate. "I actually got promoted today."
"Really?" Tegan watched as Stacy's eyes became filled with tears. Tears of merriment. She wished she could join her, but she couldn't. Otherwise, she'll cry because of her loss. "That's amazing."
"It's because of you," Stacy whispered. "Guess my boss liked that I gave up my day off just to help."
"That's good news."
"It is," Stacy agreed.
"I need your help more now."
"You want to go to a different gynecologist?"
"I want to try having a baby without Sara knowing."
"What?" Stacy yelled in astonishment.
"I want to do the whole insemination thing after I heal and without Sara knowing. But I want your help. I want you to be with me," explained Tegan.