The scenery was wonderful despite the atrocious discomfort Tegan felt. She felt too exposed out here in the backyard. Sara assured her that there was no way in hell anybody could watch them. First of all their house was in a secluded area. Second of all it was huge and surrounded by high fences full of green plants and colorful flowers. Third of all the only house that was in the area was still uninhabited by people. So Tegan didn't really have to worry about someone seeing her unclothed body leisurely relaxed in the garden.
Sara wanted to draw her. It was time to draw her full naked body and she wanted a new pose as well as a different view. She wanted to add colors this time. She wanted to add details. She wanted it to be spectacular. She suggested the living room but it was messy because Tegan had been rearranging hers and Sara's books since the early morning. Fist they had a quick lunch that Sara made, then they decided to sit outside for some quality reading time, sipping Sara's delicious lemon iced tea. While scanning the tiny words of her novel, Sara's mind lit up with the thought that she could draw Tegan right in there. Of course Tegan refused to do that, but Sara insisted.
The sun was hot but the breeze made it okay for Tegan to expose her skin to the surrounding nature. It was hard at first. She applied some sunscreen and relaxed on a white sheet the way Sara told her. It was a disturbing position because her constantly aroused wife asked her to spread her legs while lying down. One leg bent, her foot touching the sheet, while one casually resting on it. Tegan wore sunglasses while Sara put on her book and iced-tea next to her, adding some decoration to the picture.
"This is gonna take forever. I'm gonna burn and die," Tegan had complained right before Sara began.
"You know that I am quick, Tegan. Just don't move."
Sara began her art, taking close and careful looks at her wife each second to add the details on the notebook.
The past month had been a slow disaster on wheels for Sara. It took her about two weeks to get Tegan back in her right mood once again. Two weeks of tears. Two weeks of yelling. Two weeks of disappointment. Two weeks of arguing. Two weeks of patience. It took her two weeks. After these two weeks Tegan showed no signs of interest in most things. They didn't talk about their loss anymore. They didn't mention trying to conceive anymore. However, the topic was still glowing like a small candle inside their chests. Sara wanted them to take a break; a long break. She wanted Tegan's health to be the best ever before she even opened the subject again. She didn't mind waiting anymore. She got burnt and now she learned her lesson.
"Sara," Tegan whined. The professor looked up from her place between her lover's legs. "I don't feel comfortable like this. Stop looking at my vagina. I hate that." Sara chuckled, lowering her head once again and adjusting her glasses. She added more touches with her pastel crayon.
"I'm trying to draw it accurately."
"Didn't you do that like last week?" Sara looked up again, humored with Tegan's whiny complaints. "Pretty sure it didn't change."
"Actually it did," Sara said with soft laughter. "You seem aroused."
"No, I'm not," Tegan shot quickly.
It had been months since they had sex. Right before the miscarriage. Sara tried to hide her sigh because she understood that her wife didn't want to have sex. Sara wanted to fuck and be fucked. It was getting ridiculous. She was insanely agitated with sexual need, yet she couldn't do anything about it.
"It looks darker," Sara said, looking at Tegan's sex while drawing. "Your clit is engorged."
"Stop." Tegan closed her legs.
"No, no, no," Sara stood up, huffing and sighing. "You ruined the position."
"Don't notice things out loud. I feel self-conscious." She returned to her previous position, making Sara calm down.
"After all we did, you still get shy around me?" It amused the older woman. She had to admit that it was quite endearing.
"Well…yeah." Tegan's face was cherry red. After a short pause, Tegan asked, "Does it really look different?"
"A little bit," mumbled Sara.
Tegan remained silent.
The previous two weeks Sara tried to lift up her lover's mood. It was summer and Sara wanted to feel lively and vibrant. She took Tegan out on dates but Tegan was too quiet most of the times. She tried to talk to her about her new job, give her something to feel excited about; however, Tegan was anxious and nervous. Sara gave her few tips and a bit of an advice. Tegan didn't seem like she cared that much.
They went shopping, too. They bought new clothes and some more house essentials that they needed.
Evelyn called her daughter twice a week to check on her and her wife. Sara narrated her daily routine, careful of what to say and how to say it. She was still cautious and a little bit wary of her mother. One could not simply trust that easily. Things didn't work that way for Sara.
Tegan slept a lot, too. She slept for long hours and in irregular times. Her sleeping schedule was terribly messed up. Sara tried fixing it for her but she failed. They were both going to start working again in two weeks.
Tegan slept at Stacy's house before dinner and didn't wake up till after dinner, asking to go home. Or she slept in the middle of the day and woke up at midnight, full of energy and hungry for chatter. Sara listened to her and talked even though she was exhausted, waiting patiently to fall asleep.
Sara took her to the movies one evening, making sure to choose a movie Tegan liked to see. She also made sure Tegan had taken her nap right before they went to the theater. Unexpectedly, half way through the movie, Tegan fell asleep with her popcorn in her lap. Sara was taken off guard. She stared at her wife for a few minutes before tears collected in her eyes, deciding to wake Tegan up and head back home.
The younger woman went back to sleep in the car, which took Sara some time to wake her up again. "I can't pick you up," Sara said. "Tegan, come on."
Tegan groaned her way to their bedroom, falling face first on the mattress.
"No," Sara said loudly. "Go pee first." She was met with another long groan. "I'm sorry, babe, but you have to pee." She pulled her up, dragged her to the bathroom and lowered both her pants and underwear.
Tegan opened her eyes slowly and stared at her lover for an entire minute, searching and analyzing the looks exchanged between them. Then Sara finally said, "Pee already."
"I don't have to pee."
"You always have to pee." Tegan rolled her eyes. "Remember last time?"
"Yeah, I almost pissed my pants. It happened once, okay?"
"You pissed your pants, Tegan." It was just a week before.
"I was drunk."
"You were lazy," Sara argued. "You didn't want to go to the bathroom even though you kept saying you were gonna pee." When she finally ran to the bathroom, she pissed right on the floor before sitting on the toilet. She looked up to see Sara with a dropped jaw and bulged eyes staring at her. She was too drunk to be embarrassed by it, but now that Sara was reminding her of it, she felt bad about herself. She started crying.
"I'm sorry," Sara mouthed. "I'm sorry," she repeated, giving her a hug.
Tegan pushed her. "Let me pee, this is uncomfortable."
"Okay, sorry."
Tegan emptied her bladder while staring at her wife. She wiped and stood up. She kicked her pants and underwear. She felt too tired to kneel down and pull them up. She almost left the bathroom without washing her hands but Sara stopped her right before that.
"Wow," mumbled the older woman.
Tegan fell on her mattress once again, not even bothering to cover her lower half. Sara pulled the blanket from underneath her body and covered her with it.
In the morning, Tegan woke up to find her lover sitting between her spread legs. Her glasses sat on the brim of her nose as she looked closely and drew her private parts.
"What are you doing?" Tegan screamed, sitting up.
"Get back in there. I'm drawing."
"My cunt?"
Sara snorted. "Uh…yeah. Looked beautiful, I wanted to draw."
"No, that's weird."
"It's not."
"Why are you so close to it? I can feel your breath on me." Sara winked at her before blowing on her exposed area. "No," Tegan mumbled. "Don't do that."
When Sara finished, she made Tegan take a look at her art. Tegan was impressed. "It's like looking in the mirror," said Tegan.
"That's why I look closely. Wanna get every detail."
"It's a vagina, Sara. It doesn't have many details."
"Yes, it does. Go look in the mirror."
"No, thanks." The younger woman stood up, yawning and stumbling on her own shoes as she walked to the bathroom. "Sorry about last night, by the way. I don't know how I fell asleep." She yawned again before entering the bathroom to take her shower.
"Almost done," Sara announced, throwing a gummy smile Tegan's way.
"Good, I was afraid some insects were about to start crawling on my body."
Sara laughed. "There aren't any insects in here."
"It's a fucking garden. There are."
Sometimes Tegan spent her mornings at Emy's. Sara dropped her there before running some errands. Tegan hated grocery shopping. She complained and whined about her aching feet and back so Sara either left her with her friends or at Stacy's, but never alone. She didn't ever want to leave Tegan alone when she was moody and emotional most of the time. She worried too much.
"Okay, I'm done." Sara lifted up her notebook. "Come see it." Tegan crawled up to where she was sitting. Her body was alluring. Her breasts were swaying with her as she came closer. Sara licked her lower lip and squeezed her legs together. She would have to resort to her fingers once again tonight.
"Whoa." Tegan's mouth was agape with wonder. "That's too obscene." Sara giggled. "I'm serious, Sara. What if someone sees this? They'll know exactly how I fucking look like. You're so good, man."
Tegan looked adorable as she stared in utter astonishment at the art Sara produced. Sara kissed her.
"Now how would anyone see this? It's safe inside our room."
"This is a porno diary."
Sara shook her head with a smile. "My cancer journey is porno, I guess."
"Oh, I didn't mean that." Tegan bit on her lip.
"I know." Sara kissed her again. She felt her wife's nipple on her arm. Swiftly, she pinched her nipple, making the younger woman jump up with a gasp. "Nice tits."
"Ugh." Tegan rolled her eyes jokingly. "I should give you a name, Sara." Sara was laughing. "An old pervy man's name." Sara pinched the other nipple. She liked where this was going. If she would only get Tegan to lie down so she could fuck her right there in the garden. "I should name you Ronald or Frank or Earl or Ralph. Oh, yes, Ralph. Suits you well." Sara was cackling by now, pinching again and again. "Stop it," Tegan pushed her hand away. "Would you like someone to pinch your nipples?" So Tegan's hand moved quickly to her destination, giving Sara's nipple one long, harsh pinch that made the woman scream too loud for Tegan to keep her smile on her face. "Oh, shit. I'm sorry."
Sara pushed her hand away, face scrunched up in irritation and pain. "What the fuck, Tegan." Her voice had cracked right before she cried, "I'm sensitive."
"I'm sensitive, too." Sara lifted up her thin yellow T-shirt and looked at her breast. "I'm sorry," Tegan said. "Does it hurt that bad?"
"Yeah." Sara stood up. Her mood was savagely murdered by the killer of joy and happiness, her wife.
Sometimes Tegan was annoying, Sara admitted to herself.
She went to the bathroom to shower but Tegan didn't leave her alone. She came in while Sara was trying to relieve her stress her own way. Sara sighed.
"What?" Tegan exclaimed. "I wanna get ready."
"After I finish. It's still early."
"No. You're gonna spend an hour here fucking yourself and then bitch about me taking too long."
"Well, maybe if my wife fucked me, I wouldn't take an hour." Sara turned around, resuming her tears, angry at herself for losing it like that.
"Too bad you married someone with a frigid libido." Tegan slammed the bathroom's door before leaving.
It was wrong. What she was doing was definitely wrong. Why was she stressed out, anyway? Why was she annoyed?
She left the bathroom and found her wife sitting on the mattress scrolling through her phone. Her back faced the bathroom's door. Sara crept up from behind her sneakily. With swift movement, Sara pecked her cheek from behind. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "I'm an asshole, I know." God, the last thing she wanted was to end the day with Tegan in a bad mood because of her.
Tegan smirked. Thank God. "Are you ready, Ralph?"
"Fuck you," Sara said with laughter. "Yeah, I'm ready." Tegan was ready, too. She was fully dressed. Her new pair of jeans was flattering. She wore a black floral shirt. The flowers were large and white. She left the first two buttons open. She wore a silver necklace and black oxfords. Her face was clear of makeup. Her hair was newly cut in a shape of a bob. Sara loved it. It made Tegan look a bit older.
Sara didn't know what to wear. She was a bit nervous. She thought of wearing a dress, but she changed her mind last minute. She settled on white pants, a white V-neck shirt tucked underneath, and a jean jacket on top. She didn't tie her hair. It was almost shoulder-length now and, frankly, she admired it. She didn't want to cut it anytime soon. She applied some mascara, rosy blusher, and added a bit of eyeliner in the lower lids of her eyes.
"Are you okay with this, Tegan?"
They were meeting Jack tonight. Well, not technically. Jack had begged and pleaded for Sara to return his calls the previous week. Tegan told her to respond to him. He asked to come over. He wanted to give her and Tegan a housewarming gift. Sara was not sure about that. She didn't want to upset her lover. And, honestly, she didn't want to get into Jack's drama at all. Tegan, on the other hand, said it was okay for him to come over.
"He seems like he really wants to talk. Let's see what he wants," Tegan said.
Jack was nice when he came over. He was nice to her and to her wife. He brought a bottle of Champagne and a set of expensive crystal glasses. Sara loved tableware. She was happy with the gift. Jack was honest from the start. Over dinner, he discussed why he was trying his best to get in touch with Sara.
"I just want to be friends. I swear to God, Sara. I don't want anything else. I know I made a mistake. I know I was an asshole. I know you can't look at me. I want to fix it. I know you're married and a relationship is not what I want. I don't want to hurt you or your wife or break anything you've built…once again. I just want to be a friend. Someone who cares about you."
Sara was cold but respectful. Tegan did most of the talking that night. She asked about his job, his plans, his relationship (which did not exist), and about the reason he came here.
"They offered me the job. It was a good offer. I really couldn't say no. I need the money."
She had to fill her wife in on Jack's latest endeavors that night. He lost himself to drinking and fucking random girls after their divorce. He had it bad too, Tegan assumed. Sara shrugged. It was him who ruined what they built after all. It was him who tore apart their marriage. But Sara was glad it happened. Now she finally could say that whatever had happened really did happen for a reason, a better reason. Maybe her mother was right about God's ways.
"I can't tell you not to talk to someone wanting to be your friend because he was you husband, Sara. I'll be a hypocrite. You're okay with me talking to Emy and Jeremy and I'm okay with you being friends with Stacy, so I'd be a hypocrite if I said no to that," that was Tegan's response that night after their discussion.
Today, they were meeting in Stacy's new apartment. She finally moved to a better place two weeks ago. Now with her promotion she could pay a higher rent. Her apartment was still small and cozy but it was a nice place to hang out in. Tegan loved going there. It had a small living room, a dining room connected to it, a bathroom, and two bedrooms. Everything, thankfully, had doors. It was a normal apartment. Good for Stacy, she deserved it.
Stacy invited Jack. He wanted to reconnect with everyone. Stacy and Jack knew each other from college. Stacy dated Jack's best friend when she lived in the US while Sara remained in Montreal. They became good friends when Jack helped her with her breakup. She had always thought he was a gentleman before he broke her best friend's heart.
However, tonight, Jack was given a chance by everyone.
"Yes, I'm sure." Tegan stood up. "If he annoys you, ignore him. His intentions will be revealed soon if they're malignant."
"Oh, look at the literature seeping out of my wife's tongue. That's sexy." Sara stood up, too. She winked at Tegan.
"Keep it in your pants, Ralph."
Tegan loved the dinner Stacy cooked. The steak was awesome. It was juicy and the white creamy sauce was rich and delicious. The red wine was good, too. She was not sure about a second glass and she didn't want Sara to drink more, too. She would have to drive them home. Sara didn't get drunk easily, though, so she didn't tell her to stop. Stacy made a carrot cake for dessert. Tegan didn't like carrot cake but she finished half her piece. Jack was civil the entire time until he started reciting literature with Sara, as if Tegan didn't understand what each quotation meant.
"Those are pearls that were his eyes. Nothing of him that doth fade, but doth suffer a sea-change into something rich and strange." Sara giggled and flipped her hair. She nodded while taking another sip of her third glass.
Maybe it was time Sara stopped drinking.
"Remember?" Jack asked again, smiling, blushing, annoying the hell out of Tegan.
"'"Are you alive, or not? Is there nothing in your head?'" Tegan answered instead. Jack looked at her in surprise.
"Oh honey, he's quoting Shakespeare not The Waste Land," Sara said.
"I know that," said Tegan. "I think the appropriate answer to his quotation from The Tempest would be what T.S. Eliot added in The Waste Land." Jack looked at her for what seemed to be forever. He scanned her thoroughly. She hated it.
"Well then," Jack finally said. "We shall play a game of chess, pressing lidless eyes and waiting for a knock upon the door."
HURRY UP PLEASE, IT'S TIME.
Then the stupid poem was back again inside Tegan's head, fuming and sizzling, making her uneasy and unnerved. She looked at confused Stacy for a minute wanting badly to talk to her. She couldn't now. Not now. She had to wait.
"Now Albert coming back, make yourself a bit smart," Sara said after her last sip. She stood up erectly, fixing her shirt. "I think it's time to go home," she said shortly. "Is that okay, Tegan?"
"Yes. I'm tired." Tegan was glad Sara ended it at that. Sara was smart. She knew exactly what to say and when to say it. Tegan was too scared they'll get farther into this part of the poem. What if Jack said the line she feared most? Just thinking about it made her remember. It probably made Sara remember, too.
In the car, Sara shook her head laughing. "He's cunning," Sara said. "He's fucking deceiving."
"He's just bitter," Tegan pointed out. "That's how Jeremy was at first. He'll get used to it. He just needs to find a girlfriend or something."
"I guess." Sara drove them home.
When they went back home, Sara played a movie on the television while Tegan read a little bit. They both yawned at the same time. They looked at each other and smiled.
"Wanna…" Tegan licked her lower lip, her deceiving smile beginning to show. "Make out?"
"Mmmm," Sara moaned. She closed her sleepy eyes and opened them, shifting her body closer to her lover. "I always wanna make out."
First to initiate the kissing was Tegan. She hadn't had any sexual interaction with her wife since before the miscarriage, which means before a month and a half ago. She was nervous. Something felt off these past weeks and she was trying to get over it. Though, she did touch herself alone in the bathroom a couple of times. She wanted to have sex but she didn't want to have it with anyone but herself the previous weeks.
None the less, tonight she wanted to seek her wife for comfort. Maybe the little argument in the bathroom ignited some type of fear in her chest, maybe it sent the subconscious thoughts of desire back to the conscious, maybe it was something else she wasn't able to put her finger on.
Their tongues touched, rubbed one another, and sucked the taste of wine from each other for a long time until both women began moaning with heavy breaths emitted from their lungs. Tegan knew she was wet. She was too wet to sit in her clothes. She had to do something about it. She paused the action.
Sara wiped her mouth. She looked like she was barely able to breathe. Her face looked red and young. "Where are you going?"
"Wait a minute." She went inside the closet and came back a moment later with the double-sided dildo that Sara once refused. "Before you say anything, let me speak." Sara was too aroused to speak. "I want to fuck you." Sara almost gasped. "I want to fuck you with this. I want to feel your pussy on mine."
"Fuck, Tegan."
Tegan walked closer to the professor. "The round thingy will go in me and the dick will go in you." Tegan knew Sara loved it when she was vulgar.
"Can you uh…control it? You have to deal with the muscles down there."
Sara was right. She never tried such a position with anyone but her. She was the one getting fucked. Despite all that, she felt bold and brave, ready to try something new.
"I'll try. I'll do my best."
"You can use my pantyhose. I think I have one that already has a slit in the legs. You can just open one in your crotch so it can hold it in.
"I mean look at it." Tegan was on the mattress again, touching and testing with her hand. "It seems big enough to stay inside my tight pussy." Her smirk was apparent on her beautiful face as she traced the bulbous part of the toy.
"Fuck, Tegan. This is hot."
"Dirty words make Ralph a bit excited." Tegan pushed the dildo between Sara's clothed legs, giving the seam of her navy briefs a slow rub.
"Don't call me Ralph during sex. I get annoyed."
"Sorry," apologized her wife, pulling the toy away. "Umm…we can get undressed now."
Why did it have to be awkward at times? She tried her best to make it less awkward but whenever she was in charge she felt like that. She felt that she was doing something wrong.
She gulped when she finally adjusted the toy the way she felt comfortable in. Sara helped a little bit. She felt self-conscious. Sara directed her and led the way until she was fully inside her wife.
Sara's eyes closed for quick seconds until she gave the signal for her wife to push. It was an eerie sensation for both of them at the beginning. It took them some time to get the toy to do what they desired. That time was filled with Tegan's groans and Sara's soft kisses all over the milky skin that topped her.
"Are you in pain?" Acquired the younger woman.
"I was at first. Now it's very nice. I like it."
Tegan closed the gap between them. Her body hugged her wife's warm one. She was sweaty and hot. She probably smelled horrible as well. Sara didn't mind, for sure. Sara's legs wrapped around her back as Tegan decided to stop moving for a bit. They resumed their kissing. Their hands touched each other's breasts, tweaked and pinched at the pink hard nipples. Tegan began to thrust once again when Sara took her neck between her lips, sucking and kissing. Her hips were doing most of the work now. It was a very successful start since the toy didn't slip out of her not once. She deiced to go fast and so she acted on her decision. Sara began to lose it. It made her happy seeing Sara in this state of ecstasy. It made her happy more knowing it was her who was doing all the work to bring about this desired nirvana.
Sara came. Sara screamed.
She pulled away. Her clit throbbed and her core begged for more. She wanted to reach her climax, too.
Once she sat down next to lazy Sara, she began rubbing herself.
"You didn't come?"
"I'm too close."
"Let me…" Sara didn't have to finish.
Yes! Tegan was happy she didn't get left out. Sara's lips locked the engorged clit inside while her tongue performed its well-practiced magic in Tegan's saturated hole.
When Tegan came, Sara commented, "Your cunt is so soft." Tegan's clit became erect once again. "I swear. It seems softer." Sara stroked her outer lips then rubbed the inner two together. Tegan moaned loudly. "Oh shit, you're not horny again, are you?" Tegan nodded. The second time was quick. Sara fingered her and licked her breasts until she came. Tegan would lie if she said she didn't want to be fucked a third time, but she felt tired. She went to the bathroom, showered, then slept calmly that night.
She felt too tired to get out of bed in the morning. Sara kissed her shoulders for a bit until she left the mattress. She returned with two cups of coffee and two slices of left-over apple pie.
Tegan sat up with a yawn. She began to munch on her breakfast when Sara read Jack's text message out loud:
Sorry about last night.
I promise I didn't mean anything by what I said. I just love quoting literature with you.
Sara sighed. "What should I tell him?"
"Just text, 'It's ok.'"
"You sure?"
"Mhmm." Tegan's head throbbed. "I think I'm going back to sleep again. I feel exhausted."
"No," Sara said. "You have to fix your sleep. You're starting work soon."
"Fuck, don't remind me."
Sara sighed again. She wanted to ask her about the night before. She was afraid, however.
"How was last night?" It was like Tegan had read her mind. "The sex, I mean."
"Amazing." Sara's smile was wide and cheerful. "It was perfect. I missed having sex with you."
"Me too," whispered Tegan. She was blushing. "It was hard at first," her voice was low and timid. "You know…I…"
"I know." Sara kissed her. "Don't explain."
After awhile Sara rose out of bed. She wore her glasses and walked to the closet. She looked back at Tegan staring at the television and announced, "It's my monthly checkup today."
"Yeah." Tegan wasn't paying much attention.
"Don't you wanna come and get one, too?"
"No," Tegan simply said.
"Alright." Sara didn't insist.
The days that followed were spent in preparation. Tegan went shopping once with Emy and once with Sara. Sara abhorred the shopaholic side of her wife because Tegan still had clothes with the tag on that she forgot she had bought and now she didn't want them anymore. So, of course, they were hand-me-downs thrown at Sara. What would Sara even do with plaid shirts and jeans overalls? That was not her style. She made use of them anyway.
The day before going back to work, Tegan's nervous stomach had begun acting up. She felt nauseated and dizzy so Sara tried to give her some meds but the younger woman refused.
"No, no," Tegan exclaimed. "I…I don't sleep well taking that."
"What?" Sara looked at the tablet in her hand. "They don't have such a side effect."
"No," Tegan pushed Sara away with her hand. "I just need to rest. You know me, I get nervous."
The professor sighed. "When are you gonna get rid of this habit?"
"Never," Tegan mumbled irritatingly.
Sara tried not to push too much. In the morning she woke up to the sound of her wife throwing up. She walked to the bathroom rubbing her heavy eyes. Her lover knelt down beside the toilet.
"You weren't that nervous on our wedding day." Sara chuckled.
"I guess…I don't know. I'm just scared about starting something new."
"Kids won't start till next week, Tegan."
"I know." Her wife stood up. "I can't control it, Sara."
"It's okay. I'm sorry."
Sara's first day was not that fascinating. She had to do a lot of work with other professors before the academic year started. Jack was there. He didn't bring much attention to himself, thankfully. He greeted her when he came and said goodbye when he left. She had to stay awhile after each professor to finish her work. Being a dean was far from fun. She was technically the boss of everyone in her department and she was the one who would get asked about everyone as well. So, each mistake would be blamed on her first. She hoped she would deliver her work the best she could. One other thing to be thankful about, Tegan was not a distraction anymore. She was not there to seek anyone anymore.
Tegan was not home yet when she came back. She started working on the dinner. She had texted her wife hours before and Tegan responded right away. Her day was going fine. God knows what that meant.
When Tegan came, Sara heard her from her place upstairs. She went down immediately, finding her lover on the couch with her shoes on.
"Babe," Sara said. "Get your feet off. You'll get it dirty."
Tegan looked at her with two narrowed bloodshot eyes. "I'm hungry."
"Dinner will be ready soon." She walked up to Tegan to remove her feet off the sofa. "How was your day?"
"Exhausting." Tegan yawned. "I'm gonna take a nap." The grumpy woman stood up right when her wife sat down. Those mood swings were slowly beginning to kill Sara's spirit.
Tegan threw up the next day, too. Sara insisted she'd take the tablet. Tegan took it, pretended to swallow it and then flushed it down the toilet. She had to speak with Stacy if her situation continued. She didn't want to get her hopes up, but something was different and she knew it.
She didn't like her job that much the first few days. She had been feeling extremely haggard and languid. Her supervisor criticized her for being slow and lazy. She cried alone in her bathroom the first weekend.
Sara tried to pull her out of her misery so she took her out. Tegan asked to visit Stacy while they were in the restaurant.
"I wanna see Ella. I miss her."
"I'll call Stacy."
Stacy welcomed them instantly. Tegan hugged the child and placed her on her lap as she whined about her job to the nurse.
"It's more than normal to feel like that about your first job," Stacy remarked.
"I told her that," Sara said.
"You didn't even begin teaching yet."
"I know." She was playing with Ella's thumb. She had to get Stacy alone to talk to her but Sara didn't leave them alone. She could text Stacy but she didn't want Sara to know anything. Or maybe she was just hesitant about encountering the nurse. "I have old students. What if they won't respect me? What if I can't control them?"
"With this scowl, honey, I think they'll shit their pants." Sara's lips collided with her cheek. Ella pushed Sara away with her hand. "What the…meanie."
"Ella," Stacy scolded. "She won't stop being jealous." She glared at her daughter.
"I'm not jealous." Ella stuck her tongue out. "Sasa smells bad."
Sara gasped. "I smell good."
"I think she doesn't like your beer breath," Tegan commented with a giggle.
"Anyway," Stacy continued, "wear a short skirt and a crop top on Monday. Preferably sheer with a really sexy bra. They'll swoon." Stacy's daughter gasped at her mother. The older women laughed. "Your mamma's naughty."
"Your mamma's need to get laid and stop fantasizing my wife in hooker clothes," Sara said.
"Shut up," Stacy said. "We're not going there."
"Honey, I think you're back a virgin by now. Your vagina probably closed itself."
"Sara," Tegan shot. "There's a kid in here."
The professor looked at the confused four-year-old and shrugged. "Ella, what did we just say?"
Stacy was too annoyed to say anything, Tegan noticed it.
"Vagina," hollered the little girl.
"Excellent." Sara laughed carelessly.
At home Tegan reprimanded her wife. "She hates it when you bring this topic so stop because I saw her tearing up today."
"I was just kidding," Sara stated.
"Well, don't." They were getting dressed to go to bed. Tegan threw her bra across the room. She didn't even care where it fell. She was happily free from the cage of this devilish material. "It's a sensitive topic to both her and Emy. I stopped joking about it with Emy and you stop doing it to Stacy, too. Let them be hermits. It's none of our business."
A strange type of smirk suddenly appeared on Sara's face. She was thinking. God knows what was she thinking of. Tegan was too tired to contemplate it.
She felt sick on Monday. Extremely sick, in fact. Apart from the sickness she was thinking of, the other was just plain nerves. She was beginning to teach today. She had to do her best and look good. She picked out a smart outfit. In other words, she fetched an outfit from Sara. The beige pants were a bit tight on her, accentuating her thighs and ass. Sara whistled as Tegan walked around the room in her bra.
"You should wear a thong underneath that. I can see your panty line."
"I don't care." She buttoned on a sleeveless white shirt that she also took from Sara. It was long enough to cover her ass, which was good. However, it was quite sheer so she had to wear a tank-top underneath it. Sara didn't bother wearing any under her sheer shirts. Tegan didn't like people looking at her body that way.
She put on her comfortable creamy oxfords, applied some dark eyeshadow above her eyes with a bit of nude lipstick and was ready to go. Sara told her she looked fabulous. She didn't feel fabulous at all.
She met Emy right before classes started. They hugged and drank coffee together. Emy was teaching grade ten. She had already taught them the year before so she didn't really care. She was not scared. Tegan was about to shit her pants.
"I feel like I'm too young to teach people barely younger than me."
"Nah." Emy shook her head. "They'll love you, trust me. You're closer to their age than anyone they know. They'll trust you. Just be nice at first. Nice and strict at the same time."
She tried her best to follow Sara's instructions. When the students gathered in her classroom, she closed the door. She pretended as if she cared about time so she looked at her watch. She put on her mean scowl, as Sara had suggested, and began to introduce herself.
Everybody was quiet. Everybody listened. Nobody commented on anything or any words. She was not sure whether to think of this as a good or a bad sign. She wanted to break the ice so she followed her wife's method of introduction. She asked each person to introduce and say one interesting fact about themselves.
"You know how I introduced myself?" The class hummed in unison. "Kinda like that. I'll do it again. My name is Tegan Clement. I am 22 years old. I sleep a lot. I read a lot. I live on coffee and chocolate. Oh, and I'm married."
"You're married?" a guy spoke up. "Holy shit, man. How? You're younger than my sister."
Tegan blushed. Maybe she shouldn't have mentioned that fact. "Things happen, kid." She was amused, though. "Cursing is not allowed." The class laughed. Her nerves had calmed down. She felt good once each student followed her method and introduced themselves. After that she began listing her class rules, just to be straightforward and clear from the start. A couple of students raised their hands to ask her questions about the material and the topics. She asked not to be interrupted again so nobody asked after that. In the second half of the class she commenced talking about the topics they were going to study this semester. She introduced some important literary terms they were going to focus on and some important authors and writers they were going to study.
Overall, her day was fantastic. She had lost all kinds of nerves and nausea. She was energetic enough to cook dinner for Sara. They had good sex that night.
The week that followed she felt good but a bit exhausted. Nonetheless, she felt a bit down because what she had anticipated probably turned to be nerves. So when they visited Stacy again, she didn't talk to her about it. She had missed two periods, but that was certainly a hormonal problem that she was facing due to the miscarriage. Sara didn't seem to pay attention to that.
She knew if Sara found out all hell would break loose. She went to Emy's doctor. She didn't tell Emy. She asked Emy for the number and the friend didn't care much to ask why. She was given the number and Tegan decided to do what she was told not to do. She had to lie to her lover a few times telling her she was out with her friends. She was sure it wasn't going to work out but she had to try.
In the middle of September; however, the sickness came back. It was not normal this time. She woke up with a troubled stomach three days in a row, puking her guts out. Sara worried way too much. She offered to take her to the hospital but Tegan was quick to say no.
She didn't know what she was supposed to do that Thursday. She spent the night wondering and planning. She watched her wife from a peripheral angle, pondering whether she should inform her of her situation or not. She was too scared to admit it, but too fatigued to hide it any longer.
In the morning she wasn't able to get out of bed. Her body felt broken and her head ached. She had to run to the bathroom twice to empty her stomach, but she wasn't able to proceed with her day. She felt her body hot and weak. Sara tucked her in bed and made her lemon juice. She told her not to go to school that day. It's not like she was able to do that, anyway.
"You probably have a stomach virus." Sara was looking at her phone. "These are the symptoms according to Google." Sighed the older woman. "I should take you to the doctor, though."
"Uh, no need. You can just get something prescribed at the pharmacy." Sara nodded. Tegan had other plans in her head.
"Alright." Sara kissed her forehead. "I have to go. If you need anything, call me."
She waited for half an hour, maybe her stomach would quiet down and rest. She needed to sleep but she was too nervous to do anything. She puked once again. After that she couldn't hold it in any longer. She dialed up her wife's best friend with a drumming chest.
"Hello?"
"Stacy," her voice was groggy and frightened.
"Tegan, you're okay?" There seemed to be so much noise in the background. She hoped the nurse was not extremely busy.
"I need a favor." Stacy didn't respond. "Are you busy?"
"A little bit." Tegan began to cry. "Is everything alright, Tegan?"
"I need your help, please."
"What is it?"
"I need you to come home."
"Why? Are you okay?" Suddenly, Stacy's voice began to sound alert and worried. "Is Sara okay?"
"Sara doesn't know I'm calling you. She can't know."
Stacy arose from her seat. She looked at the passing doctors and nurses from her office window. Her chest began to tighten as she waited for whatever disaster the younger woman had prepared to share. "Spell it out."
"I need a pregnancy test," the words whispered that, first. the nurse didn't pay attention to them, but just a moment later her eyes widened as her mind absorbed what Tegan had requested. "Right now."
"Tegan, you did not…"
Before she could continue, Tegan interrupted, "I did. I fucking did. I told you I was going to do it alone. I did it about two months ago. Right after I healed. I missed two periods and I've been throwing up for the past three weeks. I'm losing my shit. I can barely move. I am so tired. I need help." She was crying and screaming. Stacy couldn't just leave her alone in her misery. She told her she was coming over with a pregnancy test. She promised she wouldn't call Sara. She felt responsible somehow. She hoped she wouldn't get dragged into this mess, but she felt responsible that she didn't want to waste anytime getting to Tegan.
She found Tegan lying on her stomach in the living room upstairs with a trashcan in front of her. Tegan stood up immediately when she spotted the older woman. "You got it?"
Stacy handed her the box that contained the test. She had many questions but Tegan didn't give her any chance to speak. "I don't know how to use it."
"Pee in this cup then put the test in it." Stacy pointed at the tools in the box.
"I don't know how to pee in a cup. I'll miss."
"God, Tegan, just put it very close to your urine hole."
"That's below my clit, right?" Stacy was flabbergasted. "I'm not joking. I'm not sure where that is."
"Yes. It's there. Right below your clit."
"Okay, so I'll just aim it right there and hope I won't miss." Tegan walked back inside her bedroom.
Stacy followed yelling, "Wait, don't just pee in it. Like sit on the toilet and hold it underneath you." She went inside the bathroom where Tegan had already done what she was told. "Okay, sorry." She turned around to face the wall.
"It's fine."
"So…how?"
"I did it on my own. I got Emy's doctor to do it for me. And no, Emy has no idea about it. I didn't think it would work." Tegan stood up and flushed. "Now what?"
Stacy put the test in the cup and they left it inside the bathroom, both two anxious to wait for it.
"I thought it was my body pretending to be pregnant," Tegan mumbled back in the bedroom. "Like those fake pregnancies? Or false ones? I don't know what they call them. Because I was all good and healthy one second and then I started throwing up out of nowhere and then I went back to being good and healthy and now my morning sickness won't stop."
"What are you gonna tell Sara if you…?"
"I don't know." Tegan rubbed her forehead. "I can just…like I don't know. Her birthday is in two days and I can…" Stacy got up. "Where are you going?" Tegan stood up, too. "I was saying that I can maybe surprise her in her birthday if I am actually pregnant, which I dou…" She looked at the nurse taking a look at the test. She opened her mouth to speak when suddenly they were both interrupted by a familiar voice behind.
"Stacy?" Sara stood by the door. Her eyebrows furrowed. "What the…" Her face was red.
Tegan didn't know what to do and what to say. "What are you doing here?" That was the wrong thing to say.
"I had one lecture. I finished and came to check on you. What is that?" Stacy's eyes were wide. Sara's eyes were wide with wonder, too.
Tegan, on the other hand, wanted to throw herself outside the nearest window. She began to cry.
"You're pregnant," Stacy whispered. She lifted up the test and showed it to both women. Tegan left the bathroom hurriedly, too scared to face Sara's wrath.