Trigger Warning:
This chapter will contain discussions of sexual assault and harassment. Please do not read the second half of it if you are triggered.
Long gone were the days sharing such intimate moments were regarded as obscene, or, perhaps, embarrassing. In their nature, both women were classified as somewhat shy. However, next to one another, such matters weren't marveled at no more. There was a special sensation they mutually experienced when they found themselves in such settings. Being naked around each other was one thing. Sex in the middle of night with the lights off was another. Sharing a narrow space in the corner of the bathroom where Tegan sat down on the ledge of the bathtub and her wife shaved for her was, however, a totally different experience.
Sure, the red cheeks were there, a bit of hesitation. Sara asked. Sara made sure. Tegan didn't have another option and Stacy's offer to take her to those ladies who would give her a gut-wrenching bikini wax was surely not given a second thought before declining it. Because, again, going to an OB-GYN was one thing, and spreading your legs in front of a strange woman to remove the hair in between was totally another.
Plus, Sara was what they called home.
"And then she said that once she dies, she wants Because I Could Not Stop for Death on her tombstone and I said mum shut up, you're not going to die, your reports are more than fine." Sara rolled her eyes. More of that white foamy cream was spread all over Tegan's leg and soon the razor met the surface. Sara looked up and continued, "I wanted Because I Could Not Stop for Death on my tombstone. She wants to steal that from me."
"Shut up, Sara." Tegan's laughter echoed through the walls of the bathroom. Sara sat on the bathtub's floor and held Tegan's leg. She was almost done with the legs. Only the most horrible part was left. "I hate when you talk about death. Looks like your mum is just like you. You guys are so dramatic."
Sara laughed. "My mum is dramatic," Sara stated, putting emphasis on is. "It's not enough she made me worry and not enjoy Christmas, she also didn't pick up for hours the day her results came out. I had to call Stacy's mum."
"The most important thing is that she's alright and you two need to stop daydreaming about death like some Edgar Allan Poe poem."
"Okay, okay." Sara giggled. "I'm done with your legs. Open up, let's see the mighty jungle."
"Fuck you." With one foot, Tegan playfully kicked her wife's thigh. The floor beneath them was dirty. Hair covered the white surface and some of it fell on Sara's thighs, too. Sara did not care.
"You will after this, right?" They had an agreement. After the shower, they were going to have sex. It's been a long time. Tegan healed from her infection just a few days ago. They both were going back to work in two days as well. That was their only chance. Plus, Sara did not want to admit it loudly but Tegan was growing bigger by the second and Sara was not quite sure they were going to be able to have sex until she gave birth. Probably awhile after knowing how moody and sensitive Tegan could get.
"Well, I can't say no to Ralph now can I?" Jokingly, a few strands of Sara's wet hair were taken in her wife's hand to be messed with.
Sara realized she had forgotten to shave Tegan's underarms. Tegan had quickly shaved her arms alone while Sara was still using the toilet and adjusting the water. She only wanted help with the lower part Tegan could no longer bend to reach.
"You forgot your armpits hair," Sara remarked. Tegan sighed. Sara still did not understand why it was so necessary for her to shave. Sara really did not care. She did what Tegan wanted anyway and offered to help her. Anything to stop hearing the constant whining.
"I didn't forget it. I can't raise my arms without my breasts acting like bitches."
"Seriously?" Sara questioned. "That bad?"
"Yeah, when I stretch my arm to the other side. It's annoying."
"Want me to do it for you?" The nod came before the question was over. "Okay, can you lift your arm, though?"
"Yeah, I just can't stretch them to the other side."
Purposefully, Sara's digits pressed on the sides of her wife's breasts. Tegan winced. She pressed again, harder that time around. "What the fuck," Tegan screamed.
"I'm just checking," Sara whispered.
"For what?" Tegan's voice was loud.
"Why they hurt so much." Sara resumed her previous routine, grabbing the shaving cream and the razor. "They're so heavy. I'm gonna get you a breast pump. Maybe start pumping from now. I heard it's better."
"Uh, no," Tegan objected. "I'm not doing that."
"Doing what?"
"Breastfeeding." Tegan shrugged. "I'm not doing it. They're two. I won't be able to do it."
"I know but…why don't you pump for them?"
"No," she said. "Nothing is touching those until they get back the way they were and then…you could touch them. Only you." Though it was illogical, Sara couldn't help not to laugh.
"Suit yourself but they're gonna feel heavy and annoying and it's going to hurt like hell."
Tegan did not respond.
That wasn't something Sara had read on the internet or watched in one of those shows Tegan loved so much or even read in some maternity book. It was her reality and Tegan knew that. That's why she could not respond. She did not want Sara's experience to affect hers or hers to disparage Sara's experience. Sara could not breastfeed after giving birth. It was hard for her to cope with it. She had the supply, just not the child.
"All done," Sara whispered. "Now open wide." The smirk was plastered there and Tegan's smile appeared, too. Normally, it would have been a scowl but the two of them were too used to one another now such things did not matter anymore. "Okay…wow." Sara looked up. "Where do I begin?" Once again, those little remarks could have made Tegan self-conscious and angry in the past but not anymore since it was easier to tell Sara's jokes from Sara's truths nowadays.
"Is there some hair-growing hormone with pregnancy because it wasn't like that."
Sara raised one eyebrow; the faint smirk was on her face. "Remember the first time I slept with you and you didn't want me to look at your bush?"
"Yeah?" A giggle escaped the younger woman's lips.
"It was just like that. I was like where is her clit?"
"You're fucking lying." Another push came from Tegan. "My clit is the only thing you can see."
"Yeah. It's actually…nice and aroused." Arousal was becoming transparent on her eyes. It gave Tegan a sense of pride. "Okay, I really don't wanna hurt you because…I mean I'm not gonna get near your lips, I'm just gonna shave up there. Alright?"
"Yeah, but…" Tegan hesitated, the crimson hue returned on her cheeks. "I don't want that hair in there."
"But…what if I like…cut your labia?"
"Come on…you can separate my inner lips from my outer ones. I'll separate them and you shave." Tegan covered her folds leaving the outer areas for Sara to shave. It hadn't been more intimate than this. She did not mind. "I'm wet," Tegan whispered. Sara was being gentle and delicate, too careful and too slow.
"Yeah?"
"Mhm." Tegan smirked.
"Well, you have to wait because this is hard to do when you're sitting."
"Want me to stand?"
"No, it will be harder. You have to lie down and spread your legs."
"No," Tegan shot.
"I figured." Sara chuckled. "It doesn't have to be one hundred percent shaven, okay?"
"Okay." Sighed Tegan. With a push from Sara, Tegan removed her hand and Sara placed hers on the heated area instead.
"Nice," Sara muttered. She really wanted to insert a finger and get a feel of that saturation. She felt her core ache. She also felt the clit touching her palm twitch as she pressed on it. Screw it, maybe they didn't completely have to be done with their shower. Her wife was obviously pooling for a good fuck in there and she couldn't resist not giving her that.
Once she was done with her work, she grabbed the shower head and aimed it between Tegan's legs. It was not her intention to please Tegan with the spray of the water, and she didn't even notice what she was doing until her wife spread her legs a tad further and arched her back. Sara's intentions were to remove the mess of hair and shaving cream and clean the tile underneath her so she could perform her oral work comfortably.
"You like this, baby?" Sara laughed.
"Yeah." It was a barely audible response.
"Can I kiss your cute pussy with my lips though?" Sara knew how to get her teasing going. She knew which words would make her lover jump and cry for pleasure. She knew how to master the bitten lip and hooded lids; she knew exactly how to change the tone of her voice. Even the way she stared at her lover, it was full of focus and desire all of a sudden, setting the younger woman on the fire of need.
Tegan nodded without hesitation, licking the lower lip as she watched her lover biting her own. The trickle of the water drops echoed in the silence as soon as the spray stopped. Though it took only a few seconds before Sara's full lips took the engorged button inside, it felt longer due to the anticipation throbbing inside Tegan's chest. She closed her eyes but she wished she could watch her own professor teasing her clit, flicking her tongue against it, tickling her slit with the tip, then plunging in as much as she could just to get a taste of her heady juices.
She also wanted to laugh. Not because it was funny, it just reminded her of old times. Their Sunday routine. She wanted to recite a poem. One of those cheesy love poems. Something Sara loved. She opened her eyes, a smile on her face, Sara was staring at her. Those plump lips were sucking her clit. It felt magical. The euphoria numbed the pain in her back and the soreness of her breasts. She touched a nipple and began to tease herself. Sara lapped the juices she continued to produce and her clit rested on the tip of Sara's nose, which she used to rub herself on. Sara seemed to enjoy it; she began to move her face with the rhythm. The silence was now filled with soft moans and Sara watched the motions of her lover's hips increase. She held her thighs well. She didn't want her to fall off the ledge and hurt herself.
"Sara...," she barely uttered, "I'm almost there." She squeezed her eyes shut. "Just use a finger. One finger." Sara quickly obeyed. She looked up at her wife. Then descended her vision and stared at the breasts as they were gently fondled, stopping at the swollen tummy. She loved this. She loved it so much. Her dream was coming true and she was going to achieve all that she wanted in life. She had always thought the hardest part was to be an English professor. She also thought being with a woman would be harder than this. But turned out that having a child was the hardest and she was close to have her children with the love of her life. She wanted to cry but she decided not to ruin the moment for them.
Tegan started to pull her hair a bit too roughly, which made her snap out of her thoughts. A scream filled the silence of the room. More juices rushed out of lover's pussy and she was happy to taste and lick. Tegan was trying to catch her breaths as she came down from her orgasm but her wife cleaning her up was also making her cunt excited once again.
She did not want to be selfish, however. She knew that if she let Sara give her another orgasm she was not going to be able to return the favor. Fatigue was her friend those days.
After the shower, she told Sara she was ready to give her whatever she wanted. In their towels, they stood in their bedroom. Their wet hair dripped on the carpeted floor and their skin was flushed with the gentle rubs of the washcloth Sara left on both of their bodies.
"What do you want?"
"Ummm…" Sara thought for a bit. "Can you eat me out?"
"Yeah." Tegan laughed. "You don't want any toy?"
"I mean, a vibrator is okay." Sara paused. "I don't want anything inside, though. Maybe your finger…but…nothing big."
"Okay, I get it."
They also had to figure out how they were going to do that. They kissed for awhile as they stood facing each other, but once Sara was in desperate need for relief, they realized how awkward it was for them to find a proper position that wouldn't make Tegan uncomfortable.
"Okay, got it," Tegan said quickly. "Sit on the mattress, on the edge. I'll sit on the floor. Same position in the bathroom. That's the only way I can…"
"Okay. Yeah, perfect." The towels were quickly discarded to the floor, though Tegan regretted doing that because she could get cold. She hoped the heat of the room and her arousal combined were able to keep her warm.
She did exactly what her wife had done to her earlier. She focused on the clit mostly. She took her proper time playing with the small nub, giving it the attention it needed, teasing it well. Sara was so wet; she wondered if Sara could tell. Whenever she looked up, she saw Sara's relaxed face, parted lips and closed eyes. Sara's hands fondled her own breasts. Tegan did not push a finger. She did not want to cause any discomfort. However, as Sara began to scream her euphoria she asked for a finger. Tegan obeyed silently and with a smile. After the younger woman plunged in, she teased the aroused clit with small and quick pecks that made Sara jump each time Tegan's full lips came in contact with that small sensitive part. Sara's thighs shook and her need was loud on her lips. Once she finally came, she took a hold of her lover's wet locks and pulled. Tegan was amused and relieved her lover could reach her orgasm without any anxious thought stopping her from her goal.
"That was good," Tegan said, wiping her lips. "Starting to think it's a bad idea we showered before sex because I'm already a mess."
Sara sat up, gaining her breaths. "It was fucking amazing. I haven't had an orgasm since…"
"Since?"
"A month ago? Or maybe before that."
"Sara." Tegan raised her eyebrows, a wicked smile on her face.
"The last time you fucked me was the last time I've had an orgasm. I swear. I didn't touch myself…at all."
"You talked to the doctor about it?"
"Mhm." Sara yawned. "She said it's normal." She finished the yawn with a roll of her eyes. "Want another turn?"
"Hmm?" Tegan simply shrugged. "If you're not tried."
"Of course I'm not. This is sex, love."
"Hi, Ralph, you always come out of nowhere."
"Whenever you Martha up, I Ralph it up."
Laughter rang in the room until their eyes met in needy silence, cutting the laughs short and switching it with the sounds of their lips colliding together. Sara wanted to grab each part of her lover's body and kiss it. She cupped her breast gently, careful enough. She sucked the supple neck and pushed a thigh between the spread legs. Tegan sat on top of her and rode her thigh as she kissed and sucked.
"Babe, babe," Tegan interrupted. "My boobs…they hurt."
Sara stopped touching the tender part but also frowned. "You were just playing with them in there."
"I know how much pressure to put, you kinda don't. Plus, I was touching my nipples and I was in an immense state of arousal."
"You're really depriving me of them," Sara complained jokingly. "That's not fair."
"I told you before, if you love boobs so much, play with your own."
"Ugh, it's not the same."
Tegan was giggling. She walked to the closet to retrieve what she wanted. She came back with the phallus of her choice and the harness Sara favored in her hands.
"Oh." Sara seemed struck with the idea. "You sure?"
"Oh, I need it." Tegan took a deep breath. "Can you?"
"Yeah, but…how are we gonna…? I mean I don't wanna be on top of you and like…" She pointed at the swollen belly in front of her. "And I don't think you can ride me?"
"Well, I can but…" Tegan was a tad exhausted. She inspected the room for a solution. "I don't know…Oh, I found it!" She screamed.
"What?"
"Doggy style."
"Ugh, don't say that." Sara snorted. "It reminds me of bad porn. It's called hands and knees…and are you sure you can do that?"
"Yup."
It was a bit awkward, Tegan admitted that mentally. Perhaps the fact they faced the large mirror in their bedroom was what made it more embarrassing. She tried to avert her gaze as Sara thrust and groaned, but unwillingly their eyes met and they both smiled coyly, their faces red.
"Is this good?" Sara asked, short of breath.
"Yeah," Tegan barely said. Breathing was getting a bit hard but she didn't want to stop Sara's actions because the sensation was just exhilarating. "Harder."
"Oh, wow." The dildo Tegan chose wasn't small, it left Sara dazed. Her hand rested on one ass cheek and the other on a hip. Tegan was rubbing her clit. Sara could see it through the mirror. Tegan's breasts projected the most beautiful scenery as they swayed in a hypnotizing motion. Tegan's eyes were closed, brow furrowed and the piercing beneath was bitten.
She wanted to add just a little twist, to get a reaction out of Tegan, to see the gasp through the mirror. The hand that rested on the cheek moved in a slight rub, slowly leaving the soft surface and quickly coming in contact to cause a sudden smack.
"Ahhh," Tegan screamed, eyes open. Sara repeated the action, harder that time. Tegan's eyes were wide open and her face was on fire. "Fuck."
Sara could feel the tightening of the walls against the toy. Tegan was very close. She smacked once again, even harder. Another scream.
She slowed down inside her lover. One more spank, she undulated her hips very slowly. Tegan was in a daze of pleasure, she knew it. She watched her face relax as she pulled out slowly and slowly and watched it again contort as she surprised her with one quick and hard thrust. Following that, another spank gave Tegan the desire she called for. It didn't take her long to come. That action was repeated three more times until Tegan's hips began to move wildly, Sara found it hard to pull and push so she stayed there and entertained the orgasm that was taking place. The tip of the cock was doing wonders on the spot Tegan loved the most. She could tell by the sharp squeal.
Sara waited a bit before pulling out until she made sure Tegan's climax had reached its ending. Once she pulled out, Tegan collapsed on the floor, trying to regain her breaths.
Meanwhile, it took Sara some time to go to the bathroom, wash the toy and clean up. She also walked to the closet to fetch both of them fresh underwear and pajamas.
"Tee, Tee," she called, "get up, go wash up so you can get dressed. It's a bit cold."
"Sara," Tegan wheezed, "I don't feel good."
In a quick, rushed second Sara was sitting on the ground, heartbeats loud and aching.
"What's wrong? What do you feel?" Her face immediately grew pale. What they did was wrong. She shouldn't have tired her out. She was sweating, she was clearly tired.
"I have chest pains," she said. "Palpitations, too."
Sara helped her get up. She tried to inspect. The decision of going to the doctor wasn't consented to by Tegan.
"Let's wait till the morning. Maybe it's just…the movement."
"No, Tegan," Sara was going to and fro, losing her shit. "What if something happens? Fuck, I hurt you. It's my fault."
"Sara, what are we gonna tell the doctors? We were fucking doggy style? They'll be like yup stay away from sex."
Though Tegan was not feeling well, she could still get up and use the bathroom. She could still get dressed.
"Tegan, I don't fucking care. I don't want something to happen. Please let's go."
"Let's just sleep. Please, Sara. I wanna sleep. Take me in the morning. It doesn't seem urgent. It's just a feeling. I got too…into it I guess. We'll go in the morning."
"I won't fucking sleep knowing you're not feeling well."
And that's true, how could Sara close an eye when something might happen? She simply couldn't. Tegan didn't argue, though. She wore her pajamas and went to bed. Sara stayed up and watched her. Breathing was not normal, Sara could tell. Tegan was having some trouble breathing, it was obvious. Sara cried in the middle of the night. The possibilities were endless. Universe hated her. There had to be something to break their magic. Something always happened. If it wasn't her illness, it was Tegan's fate to have one. Was it karma? Did she do something in her past lives that disrupted their happiness? Was it her father? Maybe it was her father. Maybe he made a special prayer at church to take away his disobedient daughter's happiness. Yes, it probably was him.
A sudden shake woke her up. She opened the eyes that betrayed her. She rose up to inspect. Tegan was the one who shook her. Tegan was not alright.
"Tee, I'm sorry, I don't know how I fell asleep."
"Take me to the hospital," Tegan said, trying to breathe but she barely could.
It all happened in a flash. She didn't know how she didn't crash the car. She drove like a crazy bitch. She cussed at people in the street. She honked. She called Stacy, who did not pick up. Then called Emy and yelled.
Tegan was too dizzy to comment. She sat there in the passenger seat and grabbed her aching head. Her eyes were going blurry. Tears ran out of her eyes because she really thought she was going to lose her babies.
Sara cried because she thought she was going to lose her wife. She didn't even think of the babies. She forgot they were there.
She said nonsense to the doctors. She could barely talk when she arrived there. A nurse calmed her down but she kept crying as Tegan was being examined.
"The babies are fine," the doctor announced.
"What about her?" Sara shouted. "Is she fine? Tell me what the fuck is going on?"
"Ma'am, I need you to calm down," the doctor said sternly. "You know she has a heart condition, what happened is normal since she's approaching the third trimester."
"But she can't breathe." The nice nurse gave her a bottle of water. She took it but she had no time for water. Tegan was too silent. She looked at her with empty eyes. It was all her fault. She did that to Tegan, she knew Tegan was blaming her.
"It's hypertension," the doctor said. "She's fine. It's just hypertension and she needs some bed rest."
Sara sighed. She put her face in her hands and cried.
"She's going to be feeling dizzy, have headaches, shortness of breath; it's all because of her heart. It's causing the hypertension. The narrowing of the aorta is also affecting the breathing. However, it will be alright, I promise you. It's very common during the third trimester. She's in her 23rd week; she needs rest and good diet."
Sara nodded. She tried to wipe her tears. She really hoped the doctor wasn't just saying that to calm her down. She had to tell Sonia and tell Stephen and they were going to freak out and probably blame her for making Tegan's health deteriorate.
"It's like…" She hiccuped. "It's like we can't be happy…at all."
"Sar," Tegan said, "I'm fine. You've heard the doctor." She nodded. "Maybe we shouldn't have gotten too excited."
"I shouldn't have let you eat that bag of chips. It was too salty and now you have high blood pressure and you have to basically eat garbage to even it out."
She hated it when her wife said illogical things in awkward times. It happened all the time. It's like suddenly the filter goes away whenever there is a moment of tension; Sara starts to ramble about random things or she blames herself or curses.
The doctor returned with a prescription of a medicine she should take. Sara wasn't sure about it so she decided to call Stephen and fill him in. She thanked God Sonia wasn't around. Stephen was calm and sensible. He handled the situation professionally and affirmed that his daughter should take what she was prescribed.
"I'm sorry," Sara whispered before ending the call.
"For what?"
"Doing this to her. I know you and Sonia think it's my fault. I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt her. I guess I was in too much pain that I had to pull her in with me without noticing. I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault!" He even sounded surprised with her words. She sniffled. "If anything, it's mine. I should have insisted she would get the surgery as soon as we knew about her heart. I couldn't. I chickened out. I didn't want my daughter to end up getting a heart surgery. I kept wondering whether it would go wrong or not. What if it did and I lost her? What if it didn't? I just couldn't do it. I told myself that I'll let her do it when she's ready and I just forgot about it."
The last thing she wanted to hear was someone painting the image of her lover dying. She was the one who was supposed to die, it wasn't Tegan. What was that? Some show? Some ironic film? Some weird parallel universe that picked her up from death just to kill Tegan instead? She spent the previous months worrying about losing the children now she had to worry about losing the love of her life, the person she could never live without. All the literature books she had read were probably mocking her. All the poems and the authors and the critics, all of them probably laughed at her. Her life was worse than a novel. She couldn't get it. She didn't understand it.
"You're being too dramatic," Stacy made her snap out of her thoughts. "I just measured her blood pressure. It's getting better." Stacy and Emy visited at the house because Tegan was ordered to go back home and rest. "Of course he would say that. He's her father. He's worried." Stacy was preparing the coffee in the kitchen for her and her best friend while Tegan was in her room with Emy and Ella. "By the way, she needs to stop the caffeine. No more one cup of coffee a day."
"Yeah, I told her." Sara's tears were still falling as she rested her chin above her fist. "Sonia is probably gonna call any minute yelling at me and crying about her daughter."
"Expected," Stacy said. "Here." She handed Sara her coffee. "Try to relax. You can't imagine the amount of pregnant women with hypertension we receive every day at the hospital. None of their husbands perform this..." Stacy waved with her hand at Sara's flushed face. "…this whatever dramatic performance you're doing."
"Stacy, you don't get it."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Stacy sighed. "I know, you can't live without her. You're scared. You fear loss. I know that, Sara. I just want you to be a bit strong…for her. She's freaking out. She asked me if she was going to die during birth."
"Oh my God," Sara screamed. "What if she does?"
"No, Sara." Stacy huffed. "No. It won't happen. She is fine. God, it's just high blood pressure. Everyone gets that."
Ella hugged Tegan's stomach and squeezed her small body next to her on the mattress. Emy grabbed a beanbag and sat next to the bed. She and Tegan shared small talk.
"I feel like I have three kids now." With Ella holding tightly and the two in her uterus, she felt like she's way older that she really was. She didn't like it. "They just kicked today."
"Seriously?' Tegan nodded. "You felt it?"
"Yeah. On my way back home. Both or one I don't know. I didn't tell Sara." She shrugged.
"Leave Sara with her inner mourning and funeral for now. Hopefully Stacy will get her back to her senses."
Tegan sighed. "You and…" Tegan gestured towards the door. She didn't want Ella to understand what they were talking about.
Her best friend's eyes fluttered and her cheeks grew crimson. "Oh my God," she squealed. "She's actually so cute."
"Hard to believe but happy for you." Tegan chuckled.
"No, seriously. She's just…" Emy sighed happily.
"Wow." Tegan wiggled her eyebrows. "Falling already?"
"I think…" She sighed again.
"Okay, that's actually good. Tell me what she trash talks about me, okay? Be my snitch."
"Tegan…" Emy giggled. "She doesn't…" Emy paused. "Well…just this one time but you do it, too."
"Yeah because she's annoying sometimes."
"I thought you guys worked things out."
"We did." Sighed Tegan. "She's just annoying sometimes. She does some weird stuff…and talks a lot. Or like…I don't know, okay?"
"Wow, Tee, you give logical reasons and support them with evidence."
"Shut up, I'm ill and you should respect an ill person."
"Remember when you used to faint because of low blood pressure? How the hell now it's high blood pressure?"
The sigh danced itself out of Tegan's sealed lips and a shrug followed her frown. "I guess I'm not okay."
"No, don't say that." Emy got up. She sat on the edge of the mattress, right next to her best friend. "You're fine, honey. Pregnancy is just…a bitch."
Ella gasped and covered her mouth.
"Sorry, sorry," Emy said. "Don't tell your mum I said that." Ella nodded, giggling. "We have a no cursing policy at home."
"Wait, you…" Tegan's eyes widened.
"No, no. I didn't move in. I mean, whenever I go there, I can't really…say much."
"Because naughty," Ella shouted.
"Yes. People who curse are naughty," Emy confirmed.
"Like Sasa," Ella said. Tegan gasped. "Sasa's naughty."
"Stacy said it, okay?" Emy shrugged.
"Please don't become like her," Tegan whispered. "Please."
Ella's place was soon replaced by Sara after their guests had left. Sara held Tegan closely, wrapping both arms around her belly. She also rested her head on her shoulder and just thought. Sonia hadn't called. It was strange. She told Tegan about it.
"Dad called," Tegan said. "He said he hadn't told her yet."
"Maybe now he did and she already just really hates me."
"Why are you so scared of my mum?" Tegan asked, looking at her wife's restless face. When did wrinkles fill most of it? She hadn't noticed. She remembered back in 2013 when she met Sara the first time how her face had been so clear. Now Sara had deep lines on her forehead, some beneath her eyes and on the corners there were few. There were also ones on the side of her lips, but those were just laugh lines; she had them, too. Sara was aging quickly and she felt bad for noticing that about her wife.
"Because she's your mum and I want to please her."
"Why?" Tegan asked with laughter. "You don't have to please her."
"Pleasing her means pleasing you."
"No," Tegan objected, "pleasing me means pleasing her and you are pleasing me."
"Tee, I just hate the fact that I am the reason you're hurting. You don't get it. I just really hate it."
"I'm not hurting," Tegan whispered. "Sara, my heart condition isn't your fault."
"Being pregnant is."
"We're not gonna discuss this again. Nothing is your fault. I'm not hurting. Stop blaming yourself. Please." Tegan sighed. "Give me your hand." Sara lifted her hand up and her wife grabbed it. She placed it gently where she could feel the movement. "Now stay quiet and try to feel this."
She watched Sara's eyes widen. She watched the hazel irises fill with tears. She watched the growing smile and she smiled in response.
"They're kicking."
"Yeah." She bit her lip, color growing on both cheeks. Sara leaned in to kiss one. "I felt it this morning. Do you think they're fighting? Because I can feel it more now." Tegan giggled.
"God knows," Sara laughed. "I hope you three will always be safe and sound." Another kiss on the cheek before leaning in to kiss the bump. Tegan giggled.
"I hope they're as good looking as you," Tegan said.
"They won't look like me." Sara wiped her tears. "I hope they're good looking like Adam and you, just not Audrey. Please don't look like Audrey, fetuses, okay?"
"Call them by their names," Tegan said. "Babies can hear sounds." Sara snorted. "Really, I read it." Yeah, Sara had read that, too. She just didn't want to be attached. She didn't want to repeat her past mistakes. She called Alice by her name and talked to her each day when she was inside her womb. She read stories and poetry and sang for her. She really didn't want to do that again, she didn't want the disappointment. "Rose and Scarlet."
"What if Scarlet is born before Rose?" Sara asked.
"Then we'll name Rose Scarlet and Scarlet Rose."
"Huh?"
"What?"
Both grew silent in their confusion. Tegan laughed.
"Like, the first one will be Rose and the second Scarlet."
"Why not the opposite?"
"I don't know, it seems heavy on the tongue," Tegan argued. "I feel like Rose will be like me and Scarlet will be like you."
"What if the opposite happens?" Sara wondered again. "Are we gonna switch their names?"
"Can we do that?" Sara was glad Tegan was alright during that moment but she truly feared what would come after. "I mean, it would make them confused, right?"
Sara just kissed her. What if she lost her? She spent the following days thinking about it.
And the following days were already a burden. Going back to work felt extra harder for both of them. Sara had so much work and her week was hectic. Tegan was struggling, too. She wanted to hide it but it was hard. The first two days she just complained about it. She didn't say much unless Sara asked. The third, she returned crying.
"I can't take it." She wept. "My supervisor just hates me, Sara. I know she fucking does. I'm just tired and I can't do all that. I'm a teacher not a police officer monitoring children."
Sara couldn't do much. She tried to convince Tegan to quit but Tegan didn't want to. Sara didn't want to press on the matter.
Forth day was worse. Sara had to stay up till eight and she had a meeting. Tegan went back home carrying the flu. She called Sara to tell her. Sara called Stacy to go babysit Tegan. Stacy and Emy went there. Tegan threw a fit at night.
"I don't need a babysitter. I just wanted to rest."
"You're sick. I got worried."
"I just need…" Tegan cried. She couldn't continue.
Need what? Your mother? Rest? What was it exactly she needed? Sara couldn't crack the code; therefore, she called Sonia the next day instead of waiting for her call.
"Sara?" Sonia seemed surprised.
"We have to talk, you're busy?" It was Sara's only break and she really hoped Sonia was free. She had three classes following the break then she had to hurry back home to be with Tegan, who didn't go to her work because the flu had gotten worse and she was not allowed to take medication.
"I have about half an hour."
"Okay, that should do." Sara sighed. First she filled her in on Tegan's health. Stephen hadn't told her.
"How did he keep it from me?" Sonia said frustratingly. "My God, that man is ridiculous." Great, now she was the reason her in-laws were going to fight at night.
Then Sara filled her in on Tegan's issue with work.
"I just think…I think she needs you around." Sonia sighed. Sara couldn't believe she was calling her mother-in-law to tell her to hop on a plane and visit. "I don't know, Sonia, I'm trying my best, but she's…she's sad."
"She's pregnant, what do you think?" Sara sighed, here comes the blame. "She's a ball of mood swings. Haven't you seen her during a regular period?" Sonia snorted. Sara did not laugh. "I'm serious, Sara. My daughter is moody, very moody. I know her very well. I tried my best to figure her out but it's hard."
"Yeah, I know." But I'm just like that so it's fine. Sara did not want to say that. "I just thought she hasn't seen you for awhile and she was telling me she missed you the other day. It broke my heart. I mean, we won't be able to visit during the summer. We'll be having newborns. I honestly don't know how the birth will go…"
"Sara," Sonia interrupted. "I am visiting next week."
"What?"
"I already booked a ticket."
"Oh…I…"
"I know. You didn't give me a chance to speak."
Yes, I did. "I'm sorry," Sara muttered.
"So yeah. I wanted it to be a surprise so…"
"Don't worry. I won't tell her."
Meanwhile, Jeremy was keeping Tegan company. They played cards and watched television. They talked a bit and made fun of Emy's latest endeavors concerning Stacy. Tegan; however, was very tired.
"What if she becomes as talkative as Stacy?" Tegan wondered, head resting back on the couch and face pointed upwards as she looked at the ceiling. Her eyes were teary because of the flu and her nose was red. "She'll gossip, and gossip, and gossip…"
"Wow." Jeremy mused. "We would lose our best friend."
"What if she starts ordering everyone around?"
"Doesn't she already do that?" Jeremy wondered.
"To you." Tegan looked at him. "Nobody bosses me around. I boss Sara around, my friend."
"How even? I still get chills if we made the slightest eye contact."
"You're a wimp. I bet Denise bosses you around, makes you do what she says."
"With pleasure." Jeremy smiled.
"Aww, Jer Jer, I'm happy you're in love."
"Thanks, Tee Tee."
Tegan fell asleep soon after. Jeremy waited till Sara got home until he left. Sara thanked him and offered for him to stay for dinner. He would never have dinner with Sara alone. Never. Sara stayed in the living room and watched Tegan sleep as she read The Sense of an Ending for the third time in her life.
Tegan was not feeling well the next day. Sara decided to stay home and watch her. She was not allowed any flu medication, which made quick recovery harder than possible. Sara aided her with hot coco and wet towels. She called Dana to fill her in. Tegan's work called. She picked up because Tegan was asleep.
The call was not nice. The woman on the phone, whoever she was, made her point that Tegan was going to get in trouble for skipping two days in a row. Sara hated the attitude. She did not want to inform Tegan but she had to. Tegan cried. What made it worse, Emy coming back to fill her in on what the supervisor had said about her.
"She said you're lazy and irresponsible," Emy whispered. "I defended you and told her you're sick but she's a fucking bitch."
Sara scolded Emy privately.
"You didn't have to tell her what that bitch said. She's already dealing with a lot."
"I just wanted to make it clear that it's okay for her to quit because she hates it and she can't do it and she just wants to prove something to herself."
"Emy," Sara said sharply. "Quitting is her decision. Nobody, and I mean nobody, not even me, her wife, should affect that decision or try to persuade her to take it. Please do not interfere in her life. If she thinks she can do it then she actually can. She thinks she can't, then she'll quit when she wants to. Don't hurt her if you really care about her."
"Sara…I…" Emy was tearing up. Was that too much? Was it harsh? Did she go overboard? "I love Tegan. I'm just scared…I'm worried. I didn't mean to." Maybe it was, but she was just defending her wife.
"I know." Sara sighed. "I'm sorry. I'm worried, too. I can't do anything about it. It's her life."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"It's fine, Emy. Just go home now. I'll talk to her."
Tegan was standing at the top of the stairs. She heard everything.
"I love you, do you know that?" she told Sara when she turned around after closing the door.
"Babe…" Sara felt startled.
"It's fine." Tegan sighed. "I am going to quit tomorrow. I can't go another day with that bitch thinking I'm incapable when I am carrying two and I'm sick as hell and I have zero experience teaching teenagers."
"Yes, but…"
"Sara, Emy's right. I can't do it. I have to admit that to myself. Maybe one day I'll be able to work. I mean I used to work before. All summer long. It was fine. Now I just can't do it because I'm actually tired. I feel exhausted and old."
They sat on the couch downstairs. They rarely sat down in this spacious living room unless they had guests over; their close friends weren't considered as guests anyway, so they also shared the living room upstairs with them. However, they needed to talk about their important matter and Sara did not care where they sat. They were standing there so she led Tegan to one of the couches and they sat down.
"Look, Tee, it's your decision after all. I really don't know how you feel and I can't lie to you and tell you that I do, but what I do know is that you do not really give up unless you're fed up and to me it seems like you are. I just don't want Emy or myself or that bitch or anyone to affect your decision. You do what you have to do." A touch on the knee felt necessary. Tegan was nodding; teardrops fell on her swollen belly instead of her lap. "I know that after this…the birth and all, you'll be back the way you used to be. Your mood will be better, your body, the way you feel. It just needs time. After that you'll follow the career you want and find the job you want and nobody can stop you then."
Tegan really wished Sara's words were true, but during that moment of absolute vulnerability, she truly believed the walls were closing in and her life was turning into the nightmare she feared. Often times she had made fun of those women who gave up on their careers for the sake of their families and their children and now she was reliving that part, feeling like a loser, like a worthless being. She couldn't even bring herself to love what's in her womb. She cared about them, she couldn't love them. It was just hard. Such moments made it hard.
Sara kissed her forehead. She also hugged her for a long time, till tears dried and sniffles turned into tiny whimpers.
The feelings she experienced during that week she had to leave her job were not the nicest. She woke up early every day and Sara went to work. She spent most of the time in the room they chose for the nursery. She drew, she arranged, and organized everything for her babies. If she was going to waste time till Sara arrived, she had to busy herself with something. When Sara arrived, they ate dinner together. Usually Sara cooked at night for the next day. Sometimes she cooked for two days so she wouldn't have to cook that day if she had work, and work had been killing Sara as well.
"Are we underappreciated because we are women?" Sara asked. They both sat in the nursery, arranging a color scheme for the room. "Because, if I am the boss, I should be heard. Men are always heard when they fucking boss us around."
"Yes, it's because we are women," Tegan said, looking at what Sara was painting. "Are you gonna draw it all here?"
"Yeah, that's what I usually do. I designed Alice's room from scratch. It was really nice." Tegan did not say anything. Sara knew her wife felt uncomfortable when that topic, in particular, was brought up. And Sara couldn't stop bringing it up the past few days because she had been getting flashbacks of that time she and Jack worked so hard on a room that was never used. "You're not a bright colors person but they're children so can we like…pick a bright and a dark color scheme? Or maybe you want three colors? I was actually thinking navy and yellow. We can go navy and white and yellow."
Tegan giggled.
"What?" Sara lifted her head up in surprise.
"You're just cute. You're so focused and you have your glasses on and you're rambling about colors." Sara blushed. It was hard not to. She looked down at her notebook again, a smile on her face. "Now your cheeks are red. I just wanna kiss you."
"Well, I'm all yours."
"As much as I want that, I'm afraid it will lead to something else and I honestly don't think I can do it now."
"I understand that." Sara nodded.
"You really can touch yourself, Sara. I'm giving you the permission. Not that you need it, but I think you should because I'm not even getting wet that much anymore. I mean, if I think about it, I do." Tegan sighed. "It's just that I was so fucking horny like a month or so ago and now I'm like…what the fuck happened."
"Hormones, baby." Sara chuckled. "Just hormones." She had thought about drawing Tegan after they were done but hearing that made the thoughts shatter and scatter far away. They could just settle for a movie or something. She really didn't mind. Sonia was arriving the next day and Tegan didn't know.
"Sare?"
"Mhm?" Sara looked up again.
"Did you get tired when you were pregnant?" Sara laughed. "No, you know what I mean. Now I'm in my third trimester but I just feel lazy while some pregnant women out there are doing yoga and running marathons and swimming and shit. I can barely do anything."
"Well, babe, first of all you have two in there not just one. Second of all it's your first pregnancy and those are usually hard." Sara regretted that. Technically it wasn't the first, but it was the first that lasted till now. "Third of all you have a heart condition and this is affecting your health."
"True, true."
"I used to get tired by the way. A lot." Sara stopped drawing. "But uh…" Sara looked down at the half finished picture of her dream nursery. "At 27 weeks I…you know what happened. So…umm before that, I was very tired. I didn't know what was going on…"
"Sara, don't continue.
"It's fine." Sara took a deep breath and smiled. "It was hard. It was so fucking hard," she whispered. "And I have this lingering fear that it might happen again with you."
"Sare…"
"I'd die, Tegan." The notebook was pushed far away and they suddenly were in each other's arms, bodies colliding and breaths reuniting. "If anything happened to you, I would actually die."
"Please don't say that," Tegan said quietly. "I just don't want anything to happen to the babies."
"You or them. I want you all to be fine."
The next morning Sara had to ask for an unpaid maternity leave starting March 2017. Tegan's due was not until late April, but one would never know. Plus, she thought that spending some time with Tegan before the birth would be good for her. She was looking up motherhood classes both of them could join. She had seen them in movies and TV shows but she wasn't sure they actually existed around. She had to ask Dana. Though they were planning a C-Section, she still thought it's good to join one of the classes that could teach both of them the process of natural birth and how to make it easy and calm, just in case something went wrong. She was grateful she had Ella around otherwise she wouldn't know a thing about babies or toddlers. At least she could change a diaper, give a toddler a shower, feed a baby, and even put them to sleep. She had seen Stacy do all that for the past five years. Stacy was around, that was good as well. They could use her experience and helping hand with the two they were going to have.
Sara was still the dean, and she was still treated differently because she was a female dean. She had often wondered if her sexuality and marriage to a woman had something to do with it, but when she received the letter of rejection immediately after submitting her request, she was absolutely positive it was the reason.
"Look at this fuckery," she yelled in front of Dana and Jack, who were in her office for academic discussion. Fury, rage, and tears all were unleashed. "My wife is giving birth and they don't even want to give me a fucking leave. This is insufferable. I'm not asking for a paid one. I'm not asking for a raise, I'm just asking to stay with my wife as she gives birth to twins. To fucking twins."
"Sara…" Jack said. He was used to her temper but her voice was loud and angry and her door was open with students waiting outside to meet her.
"Sara, calm down, dear." Dana stood up to calm her down, but the beast was out. "Why don't you go talk to them?"
"Technically, the chair cannot really refuse her request. By law she deserves a paid maternity leave weather she is a biological parent or an adoptive parent," Jack said. "So what they're doing is against the law."
"And it's sexist and fucking homophobic," the dean added.
Sara was crying. How did they treat her like that? She did not get a raise, her simple request was rejected, and she was treated like shit. She loved the place she worked at but she truly hated the chair and everyone who was in charge of the system.
"I'll go ask them tomorrow, I have to pick up my fucking mother-in-law from the airport."
The ride back home wasn't an easy one as well. Sonia showered her with questions about every possible topic that could cross her mind—Tegan's health, her health, the babies' health, the nursery, the birth, clothes for the babies, things they needed to have for the babies, breastfeeding, their jobs, Tegan's emotions—It really did not end. Every second Sara took a breath, thinking her mother-in-law was going to shut her mouth for what was left for the ride, Sonia talked again. She even complained about her husband…a lot. She complained about the weather in California, too. She complained about the weather in Canada then. Lastly, she complained about her job and about getting old. Sara nodded, agreed, or said a few words. She really wished to tell Sonia that she complained as much as Tegan, if not more. She didn't, though.
"Alright, we're home," Sara said as soon as she parked in her garage. "Now she doesn't know so I don't want her to have a heart attack or something. I think we should tell her."
"Don't joke about heart attacks," Sonia said.
"I'm sorry." Sara sighed. "I forgot." No, she did not. "I think I should…"
"I'll call her," Sonia said.
"Umm, okay."
Tegan picked up immediately.
"Hi, what are you doing?" Sonia greeted cheerily, her phone on speaker.
"Just reading." Tegan yawned. "Waiting for Sara to get home. I'm hungry. I tried to cook…I think I burned the pasta I made? So I just threw it in the garbage. I'm not gonna tell Sara that, though." Sara's eyes were wide, laughter suppressed beneath shut lips.
"Whoa." Sonia laughed. "That's the third time you do that this week." Sara's eyes widened even more. "Doesn't she notice the missing food?"
"No, trust me, she's a food hoarder. She buys food and forgets she has it. Most of it is expired, anyway." Sara's face grew red.
"Well, Tee, baby, I think it's too late now. Sara already knows."
"Huh?"
"Well, umm, I am standing next to Sara right now in your backyard and we're freezing to death and waiting for you to open the door."
"What the fuck?" Tegan shouted. "Are you serious?"
"Yes, Tee, we're outside. It's fine, I have the keys. We're coming inside."
Tegan rushed downstairs to see her mother. Part of her thought it was a prank until she saw the long brown hair of the old woman standing in her kitchen where Sara decided to enter from. They hugged each other and Sara heard squeals and laughter.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Tegan asked. Sonia seemed baffled with the sight of her daughter; her eyes scanned her upside down and Tegan pursed her lips together and nodded. "Yup, I'm that huge."
"I wanted it to be a surprise," Sonia said. "You look beautiful."
"Don't lie to me." Tegan laughed. "I know I look like an elephant."
"You really do look beautiful. I mean your face is rounder and you have some color on your cheeks. You seem livelier." Tegan beamed as her eyes met Sara's smiling ones. "Sara knew, by the way. I told her not to tell you."
"I'm so happy you came. There's a lot I need to tell you about that fucking job." Sara laughed. Both women looked at her but she continued laughing, shaking her head at herself.
"What?" Sonia asked, a bit offended. Tegan seemed embarrassed.
"Nothing, I just remembered something," she lied. "Today…something happened today at university. I'm sorry, bad timing." She distracted herself with carrying the suitcases upstairs, leaving Sonia and Tegan alone.
Tegan was so hungry and did not let her cook. She wanted takeout so Sara ordered some Italian food for the three of them and baked her classic chocolate cake while Tegan and her mother sat upstairs to chat alone.
Sonia wasn't impressed that they hadn't finished the nursery or that they still did not find a birth plan yet. She was a bit too hard on Sara as they ate dinner. Tegan didn't like that so she had to say something.
"We talked about it, mum," Tegan said, "but I just wanted to wait a bit. We wanna make sure it will…"
"Tegan," Sonia interrupted, "you can't make sure the baby will stay and then think about the delivery. What if you have an early birth? What are you going to do about that?"
Sonia was right and Sara admitted it at night when both of them were getting ready for bed.
"I was selfish," Sara said, "your mother's right. I was just scared. We're working on this starting tomorrow."
"All couples face those issues when they're about to start a family." Tegan yawned. She sat on her mattress and grabbed her moisturizer and coconut oil to apply some on her skin. "I feel like it's normal. Just something both of us idiots need to figure out." Sara chuckled. "Just relax. Come here." Tegan patted Sara's space on the bed. "What's wrong with you? You seem a bit off, more than usual."
"God, how do you know?" Sara sat down. She grabbed the coconut oil and began to rub on her lover's belly.
"Really? You're asking me that?"
Sara sighed. She wasn't planning to tell her but she was glad Tegan felt it. She needed to let it out of her system and didn't have time to call Stacy. "My leave of absence was rejected."
"What?"
"Yup." Tears rushed down her eyes. "And, apparently, I actually deserve a paid leave because I'm becoming a parent but I don't know what happened."
"Wow. They said nothing?"
"No." Sara continued rubbing the swollen bump. "I emailed them and got an email back within an hour."
"What are you gonna do about it?" Tegan panicked. She couldn't do that alone without Sara around. "I can't…"
"Tee, I won't leave you alone. Of course, I won't. Even if I have to quit."
"Don't say that," Tegan whispered. They needed the money. Without Sara's job, they wouldn't be able to do anything with their lives.
"Tee, they need to respect me and see my worth. I worked my ass off for too many years in this university and they still don't give me what I deserve."
"But you're a dean, that says something." Sara took a deep breath, her hand rested on the exposed stomach.
"I'm a dean because I'm the best they have and they can't deny it. But you know what they do? They treat me as if they can replace me and if they think they can, I'll show them how they can't."
Sara was losing her temper and that was never a good thing. They didn't have the luxury of rebelling against their career choices those days. She had to leave hers because she was tired and if Sara left hers, they were going to be broke in no time.
"Sara, no," Tegan said. "I know this job is giving you a hard time but…we have two babies on the way."
"They'll call me back. I know they will."
What if they don't?
"I don't know." Tegan sighed. "Just think about it. Don't make any rash decisions."
It was not about rash decisions. She had been thinking about that choice for a long time. She could always apply for other jobs. She was qualified enough to teach at other universities or even smaller colleges. She really did not mind anything; she just wished to be respected when she was doing her job right.
The next morning, she put on her best suit and her fake smile and walked to the chair of the university. She waited outside till his secretary called her in.
He also had his fake smile as he shook her hand and asked her to sit. He asked about the teaching, about the new curriculum and about the professors she was in charge of, but she was not there for small talk. She was there to know why exactly her absence of leave was rejected. The man thought it was amazing that she asked.
"The university needs you," he said. "The English department needs you." She knew he was trying to butter her up, fool her with words; that's what men usually did.
"Sir, I have always been faithful towards this university. I started working here in 2011 and ever since I have not let my department down, otherwise I wouldn't be where I am today."
"That is accurate." He nodded.
"I think it is my right, by law, to have a maternity leave. My partner is giving birth soon and we are having twins, I have to be there for her." Again, the man thought what she had said was amusing. "I don't have to share my personal life with you but my wife's health is not in its best condition and I cannot leave her alone. I did not even ask for a paid leave. I'm asking you for an unpaid leave for three months. They are only three months. After that, summer break will come and by September, I'll be back normally."
The man laughed at her. She did not understand why. Her face grew red, she began to sweat. She was not going to cry, but she worried she might lose her even tone.
"Ms. Clement…"
"Mrs. Clement," she corrected him.
"Ah, Mrs. Clement." He chuckled and shook his head. "If you truly want us to talk about law, I would like to remind you of all the complaints I have received from students accusing you of sexual harassment."
"What?" And the even temper was gone.
"Men and women."
"That is not true." She felt herself hot. Tears attempted to fall but she did her best to lock them up.
"Mrs. Clement, we let go of those complaints because you left the university for two years."
"I was ill."
"We are aware of that." Sara opened her mouth to speak but he interrupted her, "When you returned, we made sure rumors were not lies; you were in an affair with your current wife, who was a student in this university and one of the complaints addressed against you were from her in 2014."
"Excuse me?" Sara was fuming. She was raging. That could not be true. Tegan had never filed a complaint against her. Tegan told her that. "Are you sure your information is accurate?"
"Would you like to see all the letters and emails of complaints we have received during those years before you left?"
Was she like that? She was a pervert? She harassed people? No, she could not be. Was she a sick person? She did hate the way she approached Tegan, she did apologize to her many times, but that was only around Tegan. She had never done any of that to anyone.
Her silence allowed the old man to continue with a smug smirk on his face, "I believe your silence will do." A tear escaped her eyes, a tear of humiliation, of distress, of fear, of disrespect, of disgust. "Mrs. Clement, even dating your student is not allowed in this university but we looked past it as well because the woman was graduating and your boss was on your side whenever we tried to discuss your status in our university. Now I don't want to hurt you or take anything from you. I, in fact, believe you are a wonderful professor. I just think that you owe us for not ending your career."
She nodded.
"Since you're a dean, those three months of absence will affect our work. It's not personal." Sara shook her head in defeat. "I just wanted to remind you of the law you think we should follow when you did not even follow it yourself." Sara nodded again. She stood up. The man did, too. "And don't forget, you missed university for two years. You were on a leave for two straight years and you just returned a year ago, now that's a lot of absences, don't you think?" He smiled but Sara could never, not anymore.
"You'll receive my resignation letter within an hour," she said firmly and quickly and walked to the door. One more word with the man and she was going to lose her temper.
She did not tell anyone. She did not say goodbye to anyone. She did not look at anyone. She took her belongings and left. She did not care about her contract or anything else. She could tolerate anything but humiliation and disrespect. She could put up with everything but that.
Walking inside her home was the hardest thing she had to do all day. She had not wanted to greet Sonia's curious eyes or Tegan's concerned ones but there she was, standing with a defeated, shocked look on her stoic face, not knowing what to say, what to do, or how to act. She wanted to lock herself up inside her room and cry for days, but both women were going to ask. If only Sonia wasn't there, it would have been much easier.
When they continued staring, directing questions, demanding answers, conveying concern, she responded rigidly, "I quit my job." She walked away immediately. She knew Tegan was going to follow, therefore she hurried up to the bedroom to hide with her miseries, with herself, the self she thought she understood so well, the self that betrayed her.
Tegan did follow, transparent anger covering her features. Sara waited for the shouting and the arguing, which did not come soon enough. Sara kept waiting but Tegan just stared at her with those fearful eyes of thunder. She had gotten so used to them she forgot how scary those eyes could look, she forgot those days she used to look at them in her class and direct words of love towards the owner of those sunny eyes. She was a predator, a disgusting woman.
"I am not going to say anything or ask anything because I know you weren't happy with your job and I don't want to make it harder for you, Sara…" Tegan paused. Sara did not move. "I just want you to talk about it if you can…or…or want. I don't want you to bottle it up. Everything will be okay."
Sara's tears streamed down her face as she shook her head. Nothing was going to be okay anymore. "I just have one question for you."
"Yes?" Tegan sat on the edge of the mattress, apprehension mingled with her quickened heartbeats.
"Did you ever file a complaint of sexual harassment against me in 2014?"
"What?" At first her eyes squinted in puzzlement, then they widened in shock. "Sara, what happened?"
Telling her was not easy but she insisted to know. She pleaded to know what happened. She had to fill her in, quietly and calmly so the woman outside didn't hear them. With every word she said, she saw and heard a gasp. Tegan's gentle hands didn't leave her back.
"I sexually harassed you, Tegan," Sara said. "I did it…I…I can't believe I'm such a fucked up person."
"No, Sara, no, don't say that."
"Yes, I did," shouted Sara. "I touched you without your consent."
"I did consent," Tegan shouted, too. "I wanted you to touch me. I wanted you to make a move. My problem with you was that you were too slow. I wore those shirts for you. I talked to you just to get you to talk to me. I bumped into you on purpose…"
"I touched your bra strap and I pulled it. I rubbed your back. I bent down just to give you an image of my cleavage. I stared at your chest. I flirted with you…"
"Sara, did you do it to other people?"
"No," the professor shouted. "I swear I did not. I never looked at a student that way. I never touched them. I don't know why I did that to you. I don't know why I just didn't ask you out like normal, sane people."
"So relax because I think the man was lying about the complaints."
"No, he wasn't." If it was not Tegan, who was it then? Both thought about it at the same time. How was Tegan going to tell Sonia that, anyway? "He was going to show me the letters of complaints and I just….I couldn't do it."
"You should have seen them. I never did complain. I did threaten you because I was upset you were playing mind games."
"I used to be a bit too friendly with some older students…like that guy Rob."
"Yeah, I know."
"Maybe it's them?"
"You never touched him inappropriately."
"No, of course not." Disgust filled the older woman's features. "What am I gonna do?"
"You think he might press charges?"
"Because I quit?" She had not even thought about that. Tegan nodded. "I don't know."
"I did not complain. I never sent a letter of complaint. I just know that a lot of students complained about your teaching method, but the university likes it, apparently."
"I feel disgusted with myself. I feel like...as if I don't know who was that person who lived in me, who did that, who approached you that way, who touched you like that."
"Sara, please don't be hard on yourse…"
"Tegan, if you weren't into me, I'd be in jail right now."
"If I wasn't into you I would not have shown interest and you would have understood that and backed away. I came to your damn office to flirt with you and tell you I was gay and beg you to take a subject you teach." Sara nodded as she began to remember the past events of that year. "You told me that when you noticed I was also attracted, you kinda pushed it further just to test it."
"But it was still not the right thing to do."
"No, it wasn't." Tegan sighed. "But that's how we ended up together so stop beating yourself up because we have a worse problem to think of right now."
"He'll press charges and I'll go to jail."
"Or destroy your career with some whisper strategy and you won't find a job again." What was constant in life? If health was not it, life was not it, money was not it, a career was not it, then what was it? What was that one thing that kept stealing things away from her? She strove so hard to understand it, but never succeeded. "Even though part of me thinks it's all a lie, I would really like to know who filed that complaint using my name."