Trigger Warning: mentions of sexual harassment, self-harm, and suicide
Sara's friends and colleagues gathered in her living room for the following week. Everyone tried to come up with a solution when the Chair refused to accept her resignation. Sara was hard-headed and refused to listen which made Tegan and her mother extra furious than they already were. Jack tried to snoop around and fish for details about the complaints but the road led him to nothing because the complaints were made in 2013 and 2014 and most students had already graduated. He and Dana visited every day, hoping Sara would finally accept reconciliation and come back to university.
"Sara, I'm a bit wary they might press charges," Dana warned. "You need the job more than anyone at the moment." Her eyes glanced at Tegan sitting on the couch opposite to her with her baby bump in her lap.
"I just asked for a leave, something I fucking deserve…" Sara hiccupped, wiping more tears. "But…but he had to go there and blackmail me when I….I…" She broke down again with tears and hiccups and sobs. "I never harassed anyone."
"I can testify if it goes to court," Tegan said. "I can testify and say we met before she started teaching me and she didn't know about it. I can say she never harassed me and I approached her but she refused because of the time and place and her illness and that when she came back, I was going to graduate and we got married after my graduation."
Sonia seemed quite amused. Sara didn't know why the woman was smiling. She continued messing up in front of her mother-in-law and it felt disastrous to her.
"What about the letters?" Jack asked.
"I never sent a letter." Tegan sighed.
"Well, somebody did," Sonia said. "Somebody who hated your relationship."
Sara stared at her, a glance so sharp and angry that Sonia narrowed her eyes. Tegan didn't want any bad blood between her mother and wife but the tension continued increasing by the second. Her mother hadn't stopped with her poignant words or sarcastic comments since the day Sara came back in a miserable state, announcing she had quit her job. Tegan did speak to her mother about it but there was no point. Only Tegan knew how mean her mother could get when she didn't like the person very much, and her mother was using her powers generously.
"I'm gonna find out who did it," Jack said after noticing the tension in the room.
"I will, too. If I have to, I'll log in to the system and find everything out. Don't worry, Sara," Dana said.
Sara cried more. She indeed wanted the ground to open up and swallow her. It was the perfect moment for Jack to be heroic, for her mother-in-law to mock, and for her enemies at university to celebrate.
"Look, if he didn't press charges that means the motherfucker is lying and he has no proof and nobody had filed any complaint against you," Jack said with anger. That was the only time Tegan liked Jack, even though she knew very well he was trying to get inside her wife's pants again.
But it was true. Another week passed and no charges were pressed, the Chair was still begging for Sara to return so they could discuss this in peace and solve the misunderstanding. Jack advised her not to go back, not that she was planning to, anyway. She needed a full apology, a raise, and a leave. If her needs weren't met, she was not going back.
Tegan thought Sara was being stubborn and irresponsible. Both of them were jobless at the moment and her wife was not even looking for jobs. Usually she sulked alone in the room when Sonia was home. When Tegan and Sonia went out, she went to the living room. She visited Stacy if Tegan was out with her friends. She didn't want to be in a house full of Sonia.
One of those mornings Sara spent in her room either reading or binge-watching one of her shows, Tegan asked her to join her and Sonia in the living room so they could discuss an important matter.
"I don't wanna sit with your mum. She's gonna make me feel bad."
Tegan sighed. "Sara, it's serious."
Sara yawned and rubbed her eyes. "Can you tell me what is it about in here? So I can just prepare myself?"
Though Tegan huffed, she did tell her. "It's about my birth plan." Sara sat up straight, guilt coming in waves. She'd lie if she said she had forgotten about it so she didn't lie. She said nothing. She was just not in the mood to do anything lately. "I went to the doctor, by the way."
"What?" Sara asked, surprise and fear in her tone. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"You were too busy being depressed about the job you left and it was time for a checkup. I just took mom and went." Tegan shrugged. Sara could sense how hurt her wife felt. Tegan didn't cry nor show any sadness on her face, but Sara could sense it in her octave. That indifferent shrug harbored the tears.
"I'm so sorry." Sara pushed the duvet off her body to get up. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. Everything's fine."
"It's fine if you wanna yell and curse at me. I know I fucked up," Sara said. She was a bit scared. Now she knew what Sonia was going to talk about. She prepared herself to be reprimanded and that time she probably deserved it.
"I'm not gonna do that," Tegan said. "And I didn't tell mom about it so you don't have to worry." It was surprising to hear that but the cold tone in her wife's voice was worse than shouting or cursing. She believed she deserved being mad at because she had been selfish. Something she honestly couldn't control. She felt her body shutting down and it wasn't just the past few weeks. Something had been off for awhile. She did get the sense of it. She had known that feeling before and she refused to acknowledge it. When Tegan confronted her about her mess-up, the thoughts came back in her head. She was ruining her life slowly and she had done it before.
Tegan decided to sit in the middle while the other two women faced each other on her sides; their chairs were separated by a dining table and two cups of coffee, the steam failing to block the cold glances exchanged between them. She figured it's a bad idea when she studied those alienating glances. She cleared her throat, knowing they were going to have a long crazy night ahead.
"Sonia," Sara began, "I've been a bit down lately and it's rude of me to sit in my room all day long but I don't want to burden you with my problems. I apologize for my terrible hospitality." Tegan furrowed her brows, staring at her wife with a confused smile.
"It's fine, Sara," Sonia said. "I understand that. You're not the only one with financial problems and stress. That's what starting a family is." Sonia shrugged. Now Tegan furrowed her brows at her mother. She needed coffee for this except she was not allowed to. She decided to slouch on the chair and wait for the argument to begin.
"I'm aware of that." Sometimes she wished Sara didn't turn into an English man whenever she spoke to her parents. It was like she exchanged her entire mental dictionary as soon as her parents were involved. She'd be joking, cursing, and talking nonsense with everyone and as soon as her mother would say something, Sara would respond formally as if she jumped out of a 19th century novel.
"Okay, Sara, I'll be straightforward so I would spare both of us the time." Sara nodded. Tegan eyed both of them back and forth. "Stephen and I want Tegan to give birth in our presence."
"Both of you are welcome to stay here anytime, Sonia."
"No, that's not what I meant," Sonia said. Sara nodded in confusion. "We want Tegan to go back to the US and give birth there."
"Uh…" Sara looked at her wife who gave her a simple shrug. "But…here's where we live. I mean…she's a Canadian citizen right now and we want our kids to be Canadians."
"And that's what will happen. We'll arrange everything at the embassy. You don't have to worry about it." Sara kept looking at Tegan, waiting for her to speak but Tegan decided to let her mum do the talking. "Look, Sara, it's just that…I'm not sure your mental state is…in…" Sonia hesitated, "…in its full capability at the moment with everything going on."
"I can still take care of my wife," Sara said calmly with a smile on her face. That felt a lot like the chat she had with the Chair a few days ago.
"I'm not trying to exclude you from this, I just think both of you deserve a vacation." Even though Tegan knew what her mother's real plan was, she nodded in agreement to convince her wife. She wanted both women to be satisfied and she didn't know how. "Both of you aren't working. Both of you are going to start a family and God knows both of you can't do that alone to save your life so we're offering help."
"I mean…" Sara felt lost. She looked at her wife. "Tegan, you wanna go there?"
"I kinda miss it there," Tegan said. "Like, I want my mum to be around when I give birth and she has work and I wanna be there for my brother's wedding, too." Sara nodded. "And I'm scared something might happen." With a bitten lip, Sara was able to read her mind. She was scared of that something and the possibility of it happening.
"We just want her to be healthy," Sonia said. "We want her to get the heart surgery right after if her health after birth allows it."
Sara nodded. She was familiar with the concept of if you marry me, you're marrying my whole family and that's what terrified her. She was quick to understand the plan. The three months might extend to six and it might turn into a let's move here thing and Sara was familiar with that because she had friends with in-laws who took such opportunities to choose for their kids the life they wanted.
"If Tegan desires to be in California that's her right," Sara said. "I'm rather concerned about the job opportunities I might miss. I have been applying for other jobs and I might be asked to be interviewed." Without having to look at her wife's face, Tegan knew that was a lie. She decided to remain quiet until they were both alone in their bedroom and her mother was asleep.
"She got pregnant to please you and you can't even do that for her?" Sonia said.
"Mom," Tegan yelled.
Sara's eyes were wide with shock. Everyone in the room knew Sonia's words were the naked truth that they pretended didn't exist. Tegan didn't know her mother held that much grudge against that situation in particular and Sara didn't know it either. Again, she was sitting opposite to that man. She felt so little again.
"Tegan, don't yell," Sonia said with an angry voice.
"Don't fucking say something like that because I did not get pregnant to please her. I got pregnant because I wanted a family with her."
"Don't yell and don't curse," Sonia yelled.
Sara had never thought she would need her mother in such situations but she truly wished those sharp green eyes were a witness of that scenery right now. She knew her mother would be able to put a stop to Sonia's constant bullying.
"Mom, this is my life and if you don't like it then you don't have to be in it." Sara's eyes widened again. She didn't want the argument to get that ugly.
"Tegan," Sara said. "It's…it's fine…Don't talk to your mother like that." Sonia rolled her eyes. "Sonia, of course I'm going to be with Tegan wherever she wants to go. If she wants to go back to California, I'm with her. If she doesn't want to, I'm with her. I want her comfort and safety." Sara got up to put an end to the argument; otherwise it wasn't going to stop anytime soon.
Sara took a shower next. She didn't feel the need to cry in there. She tried to, though. No tears came out. Maybe because she had cried way too much the past week, maybe because she felt indifferent. She stood underneath the spraying water and waited for Tegan to miscarry. She waited for her babies to die. The clock ticked in her head and it wasn't happening. She was waiting for annihilation. She prepared her body and mind for it and she blocked her feelings.
When she left the bathroom, Tegan was in the room. Tegan was crying.
"I didn't want it to get this bad." Sara shrugged. It was going to get worse than this, she wanted to tell her. "I'm sorry, Sara. I'm sorry you had to leave your job and I'm sorry my mother's a bitch."
"You really don't need to apologize for things I should take responsibility for." Sara sat on the mattress and grabbed the body lotion on her night stand. She scooped some and rubbed her arms with it.
"It's just that I…I feel lost here. I know my mom's obnoxious but it's a love-hate relationship and I really need her."
"I get it." Sara sighed. "I know, Tegan. For a moment I saw myself when I was your age with my mum there and Audrey being mean." Sara chuckled. "I'm the Audrey in the situation."
"You're not Audrey." Tegan used her knees to move towards Sara's form. She sat against the headboard and spread her legs, letting her bump fall between them. "It's just that with the complaints problem my mom now has a proof that you're…a…"
"A pedophile." Sara shrugged.
"Not that but…"
"It's literally that." Sara shrugged. "Tegan, I fucked up. I really fucked up."
"What do you mean?" Tegan took the body lotion from her wife's hand. Sara was using way too much and Tegan hated when Sara did that. They couldn't afford buying tons of skin care products anymore.
"The way I approached you, the whole thing…like…I just really fucked up."
"Do you regret being with me?"
"No." She gave a break for her mind to process the words inside. Dizziness swallowed her words. She didn't know what to say.
"Looks like you do," Tegan whispered.
"Tegan, I think I have clinical depression."
Tegan sighed. "You're just disappointed, Sara. You're sad, that's what it is." Sara didn't respond. She had a blank face, eyes stoic, eyes cold. She had seen that face before. "But it wouldn't be bad if you, you know, went to therapy."
Sara nodded. "I think I might need to be back on my anxiety medication because my mind is slowly destroying my life and I can't be in control of it anymore."
"I kinda noticed that you're…" Tegan reached for her hand. It was soft. She caressed it with her index finger, staring at the knuckles and the blue veins. "You've been kinda dissociative lately."
"Yeah."
"I've been through that before and it's not good."
"Yeah." Sara was just not interactive and Tegan didn't know what she was supposed to do.
"The thing is…ummm…we kinda have to leave this week because my mom has to go back to work and I'm 26 weeks along and they won't let me fly after that."
"Yeah." Sara nodded. "I just…really don't wanna move there."
"I know." Tegan let go of her hand. "We're not gonna do that. I can't live in the same place as my mother, otherwise we'd end up killing each other."
"Yeah."
It was pointless, Tegan thought. She turned on her side, hugged her pregnancy pillow and made herself calm down with a nap.
They spent a hectic week preparing for their trip. The cold war between Sonia and Sara was good for Tegan because she was getting more headaches lately and she could barely sleep at night because of how one of the babies would annoy her digestive system while the other (or probably both) liked to kick at night.
Their friends were against the idea and Stacy was sad and gloomy. Even though they said goodbye to all their friends, Stacy wanted to come over the night before their departure. Everyone was tired but Sara needed her best friend to be there so Tegan put up with it.
"Ella and Emy are with her," Sara stated as she stared out of the window downstairs. Sonia and Tegan were sitting on the couch. "There's a huge wooden box that she and Emy are pushing."
"What the fuck?" Tegan got up. She walked to the window to inspect. "Wow. Just wow." First of all she didn't want an interaction between Sonia and Stacy because she was on Sara's side. Second of all she didn't want her mother to know Emy was dating Stacy because that's another relationship she was going to criticize.
Sara opened the door, rubbing her eyes, preparing herself for the drama. She could hear her friend's angry huffs from the garage. She might as well enjoy the last night they were going to spend together and actually laugh at her friend and Tegan's friend.
Tegan joined her with eyes wide. Then Sonia stood there and watched as Stacy pushed the box and Emy pulled it from the other side while Ella chanted for them to hurry.
"Guys, do you need any help?" Sara shouted.
Emy looked back at them. "No," she shouted back. "You'll hurt your back and hips and then you won't function like her." She pointed at Stacy. "I told her I'm younger and I can do it but she insists and she already hurt herself."
"What's going on in here?" Sonia asked.
"I don't even know," Tegan answered.
"Mum, hurry up," Ella screamed. "Hi, Tegum." She ran towards the three women and hugged the legs of her favorite woman in that house. Tegan bent down to give her cheek a kiss.
"Hi, my little pumpkin." She pinched her cheeks and held her hand.
"Fudge," Emy sighed, she sat on the ground, slouching against the box. "Finally."
Stacy was trying to catch her breaths. She had a hand against her chest and the other rested against the wall. Sara was laughing. "Hi, Sonia," she said breathlessly. Sonia was speechless.
"What's all this guys?" Sara asked.
Stacy removed her scarf and jacket and walked to the couch to sit. "I need a drink."
"I'll get you some," Tegan said. Ella followed Tegan to the kitchen. "Emy, get up from the ground." Sonia didn't seem very pleased.
"I'm just gonna lie here for a bit till I can breathe again."
"And you say I'm old?" Stacy looked at the younger woman on the floor. Emy raised her middle finger, making sure Ella was not around.
"You guys are something else," Sara said.
Tegan handed everyone their drink and settled for sparkling water for herself. Ella sat right next to her and kept staring at her bump. She was never not impressed with it.
"So, I'm guessing you two are seeing each other, too?" Sonia asked, pointing her index towards Stacy and Emy, who squeezed themselves together on an armchair with the huge box in front of them. Sara didn't understand why they didn't just sit on separate chairs. Sara sat next to Ella, who sat next to Tegan. Opposite them sat Sonia on another couch by herself.
"Yes, we are." Emy confirmed. Her rosy cheeks and grin revealed her genuine happiness.
"So everyone's into dating children now?" Sonia chuckled.
Everybody stayed silent. Awkward glances were shared. Stacy's wide blue irises questioned Sara's glassy hazel ones. Tegan and Emy exchanged confused glances as well. Sara desperately wanted to cry.
"I mean I'm 23 and Tegan's 22, that's not really children." Emy shrugged. "Anyway, Stace Face, the box."
"Don't call me that, Emily."
"Don't call me Emily," Emy said.
"Don't call me Stace Face."
"It's cute," Emy chirped.
"Oh my God," Ella whined. "Stop doing that." The four women laughed. Sonia seemed very confused. "They always do it at home. Always talk and talk and talk."
"Wow, you spread the disease to the poor girl," Sara said.
"You ruined my best friend," Tegan said.
"She's already ruined." Stacy put her drink on the coffee table and opened the box. "So you guys are gonna go and leave me here with my misery and I'm really sad about it. I even cried. Ask Emy."
"She did." Emy nodded.
"Yeah, so we thought about it and we realized…"
"You're not gonna have a baby shower," Emy continued.
Stacy looked at Tegan's smiling face. "Yeah, so we decided to spoil you and get you everything that you'll probably need for the two babies inside because I know too well Sara can get really nervous."
And on cue, Sara chuckled nervously. She glanced at her mother-in-law for a second, finding the eyes of the older woman fixed on her. She averted her gaze as quickly as possible. Tegan was looking at her, too. Tegan was smiling. Tegan's hand was in hers and she only noticed it when she looked down at her lap.
"You guys really didn't have…"
"Shush, shush, shush," Emy interrupted her best friend. "We really did have to because you guys have nothing of that ready and I know that you'll probably get ready for it when you go back with your mum but we wanted to get you all ready from now."
"I'm not sure about how much you can carry with you on the plane but, umm…" Stacy looked down at the box. Tegan and Sara still couldn't see what's inside because they sat far away. "I mean these are all essentials that I needed when I had Ella." She began picking up the objects one after the other, placing them on the carpeted floor. "So I'll start with the bottles. You're gonna need a few and these are really good. You know how Ella basically stayed on the bottle till few months ago."
"St…"
"And here are some really cute bibs. I got four for each of them," Stacy interrupted again. The bibs were colorful and cute. Tegan couldn't read what was written on some of them because Stacy was quick.
Sara seemed overwhelmed with her gaping mouth and wide gaze. Sonia seemed impressed with her pleased smile. Tegan worried Sara might be remembering or worrying. She squeezed her hand.
Emy sat on the floor next to the box and began rearranging everything.
"I got you clothes, too." Stacy said. "Well, not much. But you're gonna need those like immediately." Stacy held up two overalls. One was yellow with blue stripes and the other was green with grey stripes. "You know, twins and all." Stacy chuckled.
Ella put her hand over the couple's clutched ones and began drawing figures on Tegan's knuckles. It's like they forgot they had squeezed the little girl between them. Sara picked her up and placed her on her lap, placing a kiss on her cheek. Ella giggled. "I love you," Sara whispered.
"Me, too," Ella chirped. Her mother was smiling at them. "Mummy, more."
"Okay." Stacy began to show one item after the other and Sara was getting dizzy with each new item. She didn't want to look at her wife but she knew Tegan began to grow restless because her palms were getting sweaty.
More clothes were put on the ground, a diaper bag with burping cloths, towels, pacifiers, toys and a changing mat was placed on the floor. Next Emy showed them the baby monitor explaining how it worked as Stacy had obviously explained to her before.
Sara took a quick glance at Sonia, whose eyes were fixed on her daughter. She looked at Tegan, whose face was red and Sara couldn't interpret that.
"Stacy, you really didn't have to buy all that," Sara whispered.
Stacy sighed. "Sara, you did everything for me. I've been relying on you for years. You saved me from my life and myself and have been helping me ever since we were in diapers; the least I could do is get you ready for your babies. I couldn't do that with…" She stopped herself. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring…" She huffed. Emy put a hand on her thigh. "All I'm saying is, now I'm around, I want to help the way you helped me."
Sara nodded. Tegan did, too. Everybody knew how Stacy helped Sara throughout her cancer, how she was the only support and hope left for her friend. Tegan didn't understand the friendship they had because she had never experienced such a bond and just lately she was beginning to develop it with her own wife.
"Now, Tegan, I'm done with the babies' things and what's left is what you're gonna need. Now I know Sara got you a pregnancy pillow, but I wanted to show you this, too." Stacy picked up a white and black polka-dotted nursing pillow and held it up for everyone to see. "You know what that is?"
"Umm…a pillow?"
Sara sighed.
"It's a breastfeeding pillow for twins. It's gonna help you a lot." Sara looked at her wife. Now her face was red and her eyes were wide open. "I also got you the best breast bump out there." Tegan's brow was wrinkled with confusion now. "Also, umm, you're gonna need nipple pads soon so I already got those, too." Drops of sweat glazed her temples now. Sara let go of her hand and put her own behind her back. She glared at her best friend, who didn't catch the look and continued what she was doing. "I guess this is a bit awkward but I really want you to be ready for all of this. I got you a couple of nursing bras…umm, Emy told me your size. Also, after you give birth you're gonna need this type of underwear." She lifted a navy one. "Yeah, it's large, I know. You're gonna need that, trust me. They're gonna supply you with huge sanitary pads, too. But I already got you some." Stacy paused, took a look at her surroundings. The couple appeared annoyed. She took a look at her girlfriend, who seemed as confused as her. Sonia was studying her daughter's reaction with a furrowed brow. "I'm sorry…is…is everything alright?" She looked down. "Is it…I'm so sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten you those personal items. Emy, we shouldn't have, we just thought….we…"
"I'm not gonna breastfeed," said Tegan, shrugging.
"Oh…" Stacy looked at her best friend. Sara seemed relieved.
"You're not?" Sonia asked.
"No, I'm not." Tegan sighed. "I don't like my breasts. I hate them. I don't want them to be there. Breastfeeding would make me hate them, myself, and the babies. I don't wanna do it, think about it, or even…like, I don't know, look at myself in the mirror now."
"I'm not sure you're gonna be comfortable with that, honey," Sonia said. She tried to reason with her daughter, but Tegan cried after a few minutes of arguing. Sara hugged her and let her cry till she felt better. Once she did, she thanked Stacy and Emy, hugging both.
While everybody was worried about those minor details, Sara was not even thinking about them because she knew her babies weren't going to come and they would get rid of what Stacy had gotten them the way she had to get rid of every item she had prepared as she waited for Alice. That's why she didn't buy, didn't talk about it, didn't prepare her wife, didn't even try to discuss the birth with her. Inside her head, it just all made sense, she was not going to have children because she wanted them. If she didn't want them, she'd have them. It was always like that, people didn't get what they wanted.
"That was sweet of Stacy," Tegan whispered in the dark bedroom with her body wrapped around the pillow her wife had gotten her. "Why did she do all that? Those things cost too much."
Sara yawned. She was cuddling the pillow on the other side. Her hands touched Tegan's body and her feet caressed hers, too. "It was sweet." Sara yawned again. "I guess she's just doing what I'm supposed to do but she knows I'm a bit upset so yeah…"
"She really cares about you."
"Yes, we care about each other." They both yawned at the same time, eliciting giggles in the silent bedroom. "I don't wanna live there, Tegan. Please make us get back after birth."
"I told you I don't wanna live there, too." But it felt like they were moving, Sara didn't like how everything changed quickly with just Sonia's effect on her daughter. "I just need my family around me and I really think you need to relax a bit because…you're…you're not the Sara I know." Tegan didn't wanna fight in the dead of night, but she said it and it was too late.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't mean anything bad," Tegan said calmly. "I mean that you're overwhelmed, the whole pregnancy thing right now is stressing you out, you've been through a terrible experience and you're scared time would repeat itself."
"How do you even…" Sara sighed, snorting. "Do you read my mind?"
"I read your face," Tegan said. "I love you so much, you know." She closed the distance between them, or at least tried to with the pillow and the bump between them. "When you love someone so much you start to understand every little thing about them."
"You're my favorite person in the world; did I ever tell you that?" Sara began planting kisses all over her face, making the younger woman laugh and squeal. "Shhh, you don't want your mum to think we're having sex right now."
"Stop tickling me." She laughed more, pushing her face away from her wife.
They had to wake up very early. The sun was barely out when Sara whispered in her wife's ears that it was time to wake up. First she helped her in the shower. Then Sara and Sonia drank their coffees quickly while Tegan made sure to go to the bathroom every few minutes so she wouldn't have to go on their way to the airport. Jeremy was supposed to pick them up and drop them there. Sara made sure everything they needed was in their suitcases and every item Tegan or the babies would need was in the suitcase she hated to touch but was forced to pack because Tegan didn't know how to pack well.
Sara made one last phone call with Jack and Dana, who assured her no charges were pressed and nobody took her place till now. She didn't tell Tegan any of that. Tegan didn't ask.
On the plane, Tegan fell asleep immediately, which was strange since she wasn't a person who would fall asleep easily. She woke up after an hour feeling hungry and needed to pee badly. She went to the bathroom and when she returned, food was served. She asked Sara what she chose for her and Sara said chicken and for herself meat. Tegan took Sara's meal and gave Sara hers. When she finished hers, she took what's left of her mother's meal and asked Sara if she had any snack with her.
"Sure, I have skittles."
"Yeah, give me." She ate her snack and watched Friends while her wife read and her mother slept until they arrived.
Tegan had to go to the bathroom for the third time before they left the plane, so both Sonia and Sara had to wait and were the last to leave the plane.
"Wow, I can't believe I need a fucking visa entering my own country right now," Tegan said.
"Why are you using the Canadian passport?" Sonia asked. "You still have your American one?"
"Ummm…yeah?" Tegan said. "I can use it?"
"It's fine, we're in right now," Sara said. "But you should've brought it."
"I see Stephen right there," Sonia said. Tegan saw her father waiting for them. She walked quickly to get to him, leaving Sara and Sonia with the suitcases to follow behind. Stephen hugged both her and her wife, taking the suitcases Sara was pushing. He drove the three women back home.
Tegan was excited Sara would finally see where she lived. She hoped her room was neat and clean. She had told her father to take care of her room. She didn't know if her father actually did that or not. They didn't really have maids or butlers or any of that. Never did anyway. Sonia took care of everything.
"I made dinner for everyone," Stephen said in the car.
"You actually made dinner?" Sonia asked in bewilderment.
"Yes, for Tegan, I prepared her favorite sandwich." While Sonia sighed, Sara winked at her wife. It was obvious she was shy; she was blushing the entire ride home. "As for the rest of y'all, Tanya cooked."
"Tanya is Ted's fiancée," Tegan informed her wife. "Is she nice, dad?"
"She cooks well," Stephen answered. Sara and Tegan burst in laughter.
"Stephen," Sonia rebuked.
"I'm being honest." He shrugged.
"Sara can cook better," Tegan said. Sara's eyes widened.
"I bet," Stephen said.
At least Tegan's father liked her, she thought. That compensated for the mother. She wondered if her mother liked Tanya. When they met the woman inside, she didn't seem bad. Just a bit too excited. Sara didn't care because her best friend was like that.
What impressed Sara was the house Tegan had grown up in. Rich bitch, she thought to herself and suppressed her laughter. The backyard alone was as huge as Sara's previous apartment. She yet had to see Tegan's room. She was too overwhelmed to ask to go upstairs and freshen up. She and her wife were immediately attacked with greetings, questions and plans from Ted, Tanya, and Stephen.
Everybody was busy with the upcoming wedding, which was a distraction from her and her wife. But Stephen made sure to focus the rest of the night on Tegan's health and what they should expect during delivery.
"I don't wanna scare you and I know you just got here and you're tired, but starting tomorrow we're going to run some tests to make sure your heart is in a good condition at the moment so we can take our precautions when you give birth."
Both women nodded, staring at each other with daze filling up their minds.
"I know just the right doctor to deliver your babies, too," Sonia added. "We just need to get you checked here, arrange the date of the surgery and all will be fine."
"Ummm," Tegan hesitated. She took a look at her wife then whispered, "Can't you do it?" she asked her mother bashfully.
"Oh…no, honey, I can't. That's not my specialty right now. I mean I did that before but I'd rather be with you during the surgery. I'm not sure I can do that to you."
"Can I be with her, too?" Sara wondered. "Because I know that, umm, it's not okay to be inside when it's a Cesarean."
Sonia hesitated before answering. She looked at her husband, her son, her future daughter-in-law, then looked back at the confounded couple. "I'm not sure. I'll have to ask. They don't usually allow it but I'm a doctor and I can get in…umm, I'll ask about it. I'll try my best."
Tegan didn't like Tanya's food and she was glad her father made her the sandwich she loved. She also appreciated that he prepared one for Sara as well. Sara didn't like it but didn't say so. Her facial expressions revealed it. It was always funny when her brows furrowed and her nose twitched when she tasted something funny. Tegan ate the rest of her sandwich.
"I need to use the bathroom," Sara whispered in her wife's ears. "Badly."
Tegan suppressed a giggle. She held her wife's hand and got up. She placed her other hand on her belly as she felt the nightly kicks begin. "We're a bit tired so we're going to get some rest." Sonia nodded and Stephen smiled. "Ted, I better see my PS4 back in the living room tomorrow morning with Fortnite installed because mom told me you fucking stole it."
"Tegan, language," Stephen said.
"I didn't steal it. I burrowed it. You just left it here and nobody was using it."
"Tomorrow morning, Ted," Tegan said. Sara was trying not to laugh, could never understand that particular part because she was too old for it or so she thought. She loved her wife and how she still carried those bits of childhood with her. She still loved video games, snacks after food, stuffed animals, and still obsessed over musicians and actors. While Sara left that phase a long time ago, she didn't see Tegan leaving any of her mild obsessions anytime soon. Perhaps she was going to stay like that till she was her age or even older, it was who she was and she loved her for it. Tegan was just a child at heart and it's what made everything about her more exciting.
"Do you like the house?" Tegan asked while the climbed up the stairs.
"It's very big," Sara said, looking around her at the vast space and above her at the chandeliers. "It makes our house seem so small."
Tegan chuckled. "I still prefer ours, though." They walked through a long corridor where a few white doors were shut. They reached the end of the corridor and that's when Tegan stopped. "That's my room," she announced.
"I need the bathroom."
"Okay, umm, just a heads up." Tegan pointed at the room next to hers, the last room in the corridor. "That's my parents'." Sara gasped. "I know, I know….ummm, when I was young I used to cry a lot at night. Like, you know, I was born in this house so the nursery was next to their room and then it turned into my room and I've been there since ever but, don't worry, they're really respectful and they care about privacy a lot." Sara nodded, clearly unable to control her bladder. Tegan laughed. "Okay, bathroom, umm, it's that door at the very beginning." She pointed at the staircase.
"The one opposite to the stairs?"
"No, that's Ted's bedroom. The bathroom is the one next to it." Sara opened her mouth to speak but words weren't verbalized.
"Sare?"
"You shared a bathroom with your brother?" Tegan nodded. "Seriously?"
"Umm…yeah?" Tegan grew up in that house where she always had to share a bathroom with her brother while her lover grew up in a house alone where she didn't share her bathroom with anyone until she moved in with her first serious partner. Tegan could understand why Sara's face revealed hints of discomfort and hesitancy. Sharing a bathroom with a sibling, especially with a teenage boy, was a disaster. They sure did have their fair share of fights regarding the overall cleanliness of the bathroom and she did decide to use the guests' bathroom for awhile since they didn't have guests to sleep over that much (plus it was closer to her room), but she quickly found herself back in her bathroom as soon as the awkward stage of her preteens passed and she was more comfortable with herself and her body and with sharing a bathroom. Then Ted moved out and she had the bathroom to herself for awhile until she had to go to university and that's when she shared a bathroom with Emy. Emy was a good person to share a bathroom with because she gave her space and was obsessively clean. As for Jeremy, sharing a bathroom was a bit hard at the beginning because Jeremy often threw his underwear on the floor or he didn't flush. With time, he learned what it was like to live with a woman around and he was a good roommate overall.
"It's clean, Sara." Tegan walked up towards the bathroom to make sure before her OCD-ridden wife could enter. "Here, I'll make sure."
"For a rich family, I'd expect each of you to have a bathroom, you know." Sara chuckled, following behind. "I mean we literally have four bathrooms in our house."
"Here, too," Tegan said. "But one is for the guests downstairs and one for the guests in here with like a shower and all…you can use it." She looked around and her bathroom was as clean and neat as ever. "My dad got cleaning people to clean everything and you can use it. If you want, you can use the guests' bathroom." She shrugged.
"No, this is fine." She grinned. "Thank you. I'm excited to see your room after."
"Nothing's weird about it, I promise." Tegan laughed.
"Okay, now, umm…I need a bit of privacy please?"
"Got it." Tegan winked before she left.
The suitcases were already in her room. She sat on her mattress, listening to her heartbeat. She slowly adapted to the constant palpitations but in silent moments she could hear and feel the drums louder. She wanted a massage, she deeply needed it. Her thoughts were jumbled up as she blundered around a fog of stress, fatigue, and anxiety.
She called Stacy to assure her they're safe because Sara forgot to respond.
"She's in the bathroom right now," Tegan said. "I'll let her call you when she's out."
"It's fine. You guys rest, I was just worried."
Tegan fetched some pajamas and fresh underwear from her suitcase. She searched for the toiletry bag and found it in another suitcase. She walked up to the bathroom and opened the door. Sara screamed.
"Hey, hey," Tegan shouted, a hand beneath her racing heart. "It's just me." Sara nodded, uncovering her chest as she stood topless in front of the mirror. "Nobody's going to get in, Sara. Don't worry." Sara nodded, retrieving her bra.
"Why don't you have a lock?"
"Umm…" Tegan hesitated. She really didn't want to tell her why, not now at least. "It's a long story. I mean we did have a lock but dad removed it because of something and…yeah, I'll tell you later. Now, why are you topless?"
Sara looked down at the redness that covered her skin. "Look at the hot flashes," she said. "I'm dying."
"It's because you're not used to the weather here."
"I forgot to take my pills," Sara whispered. "I haven't taken any for three days and I just fucked my body."
"Shit, Sar, how did you forget?" She didn't really. Part of her just didn't care enough to get up at night and take her drugs when she remembered to three days ago. In the morning she didn't care and then she stopped taking them.
"I'll take them again, I just…I don't know. I'll take them." Tegan nodded, deciding not to argue. She just hoped Sara didn't whine about not getting aroused enough anytime soon.
"I got you some clothes and fresh underwear." Tegan offered. "And this is your toiletry bag."
"Thank you." Sara took the items and began getting dressed. Tegan used the toilet while her wife brushed her teeth and washed her face. When Sara left, Tegan changed and did her skin care routine.
Sara inspected the bedroom; smiling at the fact the wallpaper was minty green and light purple. The bed was next to the large window and the space was huge enough to walk around. Tegan did not only have a walk in closet but also had a balcony. Sara stepped outside and she could see Tegan's parents chatting alone where they had left them. She assumed Ted and Tanya had left already.
She felt cold in her thin pajama shirt so she stepped inside. She texted her best friend until her wife joined her.
"Stacy called," Tegan said.
"Yeah, I'm texting her." She put her phone down and grinned at her lover. "Nice bedroom. Love the stuffed animals."
"Shut up." Tegan sat on the floor once again, fishing for whatever she wanted in the suitcase. "Why did you pack the breastfeeding stuff?" She lifted up the nipples cream Stacy had also stashed in the huge box. "Can I use this now?"
"Your mum did," Sara mumbled. "Umm, I mean it's for breastfeeding. Are your nipples sore?"
"Everything is sore in that area." She found the book she was looking for, getting up to walk to the mattress. "Why did she get me all those things? Like even underwear and pads. I can get those."
"I think because she asked me if I prepared everything and I just zoned out." Sara took off her pajama pants, preferring to stay in her underwear. "I'm too hot."
"Sleep in a tanktop, babe." Sara wasn't used to California's weather. It wasn't hot, but it wasn't as cold as Montreal in February.
"You don't have a lock in your room as well," Sara commented with a yawn. Tegan switched off the lights and quickly walked to her mattress to hide underneath the blankets.
"No, I don't." She didn't like that Sara noticed that. Other people wouldn't, she figured.
"You parents didn't allow locks? I mean I understand bedrooms because my dad kinda did the same with mine when he caught me with Stacy, but a bathroom? That's too much."
"Umm, it's for a reason." Sara was squeezing it out of her so she couldn't hide it any longer. "Do you really wanna know?"
"Yes?"
"I used to self-harm and they caught me and thought I'd you know…umm, try to commit suicide so they took the locks away in case I spent too long in the bathroom and didn't answer."
"Oh." Silence fell between them. Sara had many questions to ask but didn't know what was comfortable to ask and what was appropriate or where to begin. "How old were you?"
"Sixteen."
"Aha." She exhaled loudly, relieved at the thought it wasn't in the past two years and she wasn't the cause of it. "You stopped though, right?"
"Yes, Sara," Tegan confirmed with a chuckle. "They just never got the locks back and that summer I had the accident and all, I used to faint a lot so mum would have to stand outside of the bathroom when I showered just in case." She felt her wife's feet against her own, moving gently up and down. "Don't worry; nobody will come inside without knocking unless they hear something suspicious like me in pain or something."
"It's just, umm…I'm not comfortable around them yet. You know how I like my space and privacy and how I'm different at home from when I am with strangers. I just feel like I'm gonna be restricted a bit. Like this is your home, you walked up to me in a tight pajama top and those non-existent shorts and I'm here wearing long sleeves and looking like a grandma because I don't feel comfortable walking half naked and it's gonna be like that for, like, God knows when."
"You talk a lot," Tegan interrupted, her hot breath hitting her wife's. "It's so cute." She giggled.
"Tee," Sara whined, kicking her foot.
"Relax, babe. They both go to work in the early morning and get back at like five. Sometimes dad stays overnight and sometimes he doesn't even get back when he has surgeries so basically we kinda have the house to ourselves all the time."
Sara sighed.
"And you've been around my mum for the past few weeks. She literally saw you in your thong and you guys discussed discharge loudly in front of my innocent ears so are you really telling me you're not comfortable around her? You two just dislike each other and everybody knows it but you're comfortable around her."
"Ugh, see, that's the thing, she barged in on us and saw me half naked and she's the one who asked me about my sex life." Tegan giggled. "Who would like to know their daughter's sex life? Why is she worried we're not having sex?"
"Sare, she's not. She was just curious what type of pills you were taking because she's kinda facing the same issues as you." She reached for the older woman's hand and held it to her swollen belly. "Relax. Just relax. Listen to those fuckers, they're partying."
"Damn, why does it always happen at night?" Tegan kissed her and it caught her by surprise. "Mmmm, again." She was kissed again and this time she kissed back.
"Because they're evil," Tegan whispered, kissing her wife more. "They know we might be doing something naughty."
"Not in this house, never." Tegan laughed and kissed. Sara was enjoying it, relaxing, surrendering. "God, I love you," she said through kisses. "It's like I can't even explain it but I truly fucking love you so much and I just want to express it with everything I have in me but I can't. I'm full of love for you. It's a never-ending fountain of love and passion and desire and need and trust." Tegan's tears ran past her lids and touched Sara's cheeks as they kissed. "I just really love everything that's you and I don't think I'll ever be able to explain it."
"You just," she whispered. "Now I'm just lost in a cloud of love and I can't say a thing because it wouldn't sound as profound as what you just said."
"It's not words," Sara said. "It's not about words that's why I can't explain it. I would just want to be lost in a place with you forever and I know I won't ever get sick of you. I'd literally do anything for you and if I lose you…" She was kissed again, interrupting her sentence.
"Don't let your mind go to dark places after you relax, that's how you hurt yourself." She kissed her again, feeling another kick. "Try to sleep," she whispered. "Sleep thinking about this moment and nothing else. Don't think about the past or the future. Just this moment." Sara nodded. "I love you." She kissed her one last time before they closed their eyes.