The unexpected heat wave scorched faster than usual in California. San Diego was just too hot for Sara to tolerate. Her skin was often red with different kinds of rashes distorting different areas in her body. She itched even though everybody told her not to. It was a bad habit she couldn't get rid of. She took a shower twice each day and slept with barely any clothing on. As for the hot flashes, they were annoying and frequent.
Tegan faced the horrible heat effects, too. They both suffered at night even when the weather was too breezy to be hot. Sonia and Stephen often wore heavy jackets at night while Tegan and her wife walked around in sleeveless shirts. It was still snowing in Canada, Stacy informed them.
Sonia offered to fill the pool, getting Sara excited. Both women welcomed the idea of spending a sunny spring day by the pool. Sara could walk to the beach if she wanted, but she wanted some privacy. Plus, the sun shone directly where the pool was. She could enjoy the heat of the sun and swim a little without any strangers around. One problem; however, was not finding any swimsuits. Sonia left the house in the early morning to get some for both women. She had to leave to work in two hours, so she woke up as early as she could and headed down to the mall.
Sara's phone buzzed in the early morning, waking up half-asleep Tegan. She had spent the night tossing and turning in utter discomfort. She had slept and woken up in cold-sweat when she felt the kicking increase at dawn. She walked to the bathroom and peed then went back to her room, spending the rest of the night with eyes wide open.
"Sara," she shook her wife's sleeping form. The phone rang and rang and Tegan couldn't reach it because the nightstand was next to her lover's side. She was pushed against the wall in the narrow space of her queen-sized bed. "Sara," she said louder. Sara groaned. She moved her foot and kicked her wife's. "Sara," she said the loudest she could, making Sara jump up with her heart almost exploding. "Pick up the fucking phone already."
"Oh my God," Sara screamed. "I thought your water broke or something."
"No, just pick up the damn phone." She huffed and turned around, which was a very hard activity because she had to take the pillow with her and, often times, Sara hogged the pillow, too. Not only that, but moving itself had gotten much harder. In that morning, in particular, she didn't feel quite right.
"Yeah? Uh-huh?" She heard Sara say before she left the room as quickly as possible.
Her worry made her sit up. She rubbed her eyes and yawned. She didn't want to chase Sara and interfere. She also hoped no disaster accompanied that phone call. Her heart drummed faster than ever. It was either the consequence of her approaching labor or her growing fear that an evil power might be plotting its arrival soon.
Tegan put her swollen feet down on the floor. She stared at them, remembering how everyone made fun of how they looked three days before and how Sara was the only one with a blank expression, disgusted by the jokes and remarks Tegan's family made about her nose or feet or tummy. Sara was just being supportive, Tegan thought. Her body indeed looked funny. As soon as she stood up, one of her daughters greeted her with a hard kick, making her bend down with a hand on her stomach. "What the fuck?" she yelled. "Chill, bitch."
Before she could walk to the door, Sara was already inside with a flushed face and tears in her eyes. Strangely enough, she was smiling and laughing at the same time.
"Sara?" Tegan asked hurriedly. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Sara shook her head. "You're not gonna believe it."
"What is it?" Tegan tried to smile along but she was ignorant to the situation.
"I got my job back," Sara squealed. "They just called me and told me that I got my job back with a raise. I can go back in August as the Dean and now I'm given a maternity leave." Her tears fell down her eyes. Hot tears, happy ones. She couldn't believe herself. That news was all she wanted. She cried more when Tegan held her. She buried her face in her wife's neck and cried. "I'm so happy," she said. "It feels so good to be recognized. I was called by the new Chair, Tee. She apologized for everything that had happened and…I can't believe it."
"See?" Tegan laughed. "I told you." Honestly, she felt relieved, too. She was so scared they were going to be stuck in California. Sonia was already getting on her last nerves. She was, in fact, counting the days to her delivery. She wanted to go home. She missed her friends and her own place.
Sonia was surprised upon hearing the news. Her mouth was agape with a shadow of a smile. Her eyes gleamed as if she was trying to remember something. A ghost of a thought, perhaps. She closed her lips and hugged Sara. Tegan observed every move closely.
"I want your try some of these swimsuits," Sonia said. She was up in her daughter's bedroom. "I honestly didn't know what size to get you, Sara." Sara's cheeks turned a light shade of pink. "So I really got almost every size possible."
"Mum, why did you get us bikinis?" Tegan asked. "You know I don't wear those."
"Honey, I would never find a one piece that would fit you." Tegan frowned. Fuck you, she cursed mentally. "Plus, you're at home. Nobody's going to see you. I'm going to work anyway."
Sara wasn't comfortable about wearing a two-piece swimsuit as well. She rarely wore those. She loved swimming, but she hardly ever visited the beach. It'd been so long. She examined the options, knowing that Sonia thought well when she picked a lot of sizes since her bottom half was a bit smaller than her upper one, though she did have wide hips.
Tegan sat on the mattress with eyes tightly shut for a second. Paleness masked Sara's rubicund complexion. "Those fuckers won't stop kicking." She took a deep breath and stood up again. "They do it at the same time."
"Are you sure those are just kicks?" Sara asked.
"Yes, Sara." Whenever they kicked, Sara freaked out and asked whether those were normal kicks or contractions. In all honesty, she barely knew what contractions felt like. Sara told her they were annoying cramps that came every few minutes.
"Tell you what, Tee, why don't you just enjoy the sun today?" Sonia asked. "I mean don't swim. Just sit down and enjoy the sun."
"Why? Does swimming induce labor, too?" Tegan said with a mocking octave.
"Well, if you're approaching labor it can induce it, too." Tegan rolled her eyes. Sara didn't because she had heard this information before. "And, umm…" Sonia turned around, looking at the older woman. "Don't have sex," she whispered awkwardly.
"Mum," Tegan screamed. "We're never gonna have sex again because of you, okay? You traumatized us, I swear."
"And don't shower while I'm out," Sonia continued, ignoring her daughter. "You know what, I won't be too long. I just have a few appointments to take. I'll be as quick as possible."
"Mum, nothing's wrong with me." Though Tegan assured, Sonia's restless heart and nervous smile made Sara fall into a silent panic. Sonia knew more, she could sense it, Sara thought.
Despite the concern, Sara decided to tune out her thoughts and enjoy a calm breakfast outside. The twittering of the birds added to the placid mood the couple shared. They giggled as they both devoured their omelets and stared into the sunlight.
"I hope I don't get a sunburn," Tegan thought out loud, peering at the blue of the pool in the distance.
"Oh, I get those easily. I forgot about that."
"Yeah, we're gonna put some sunscreen." Tegan hoped they wouldn't finish it by rubbing most of it on her stomach. She smiled at the thought. "When I was young, mum would come out every two hours to put more sunscreen on my body because when I get a sunburn I cry for days." She giggled. "Now I bet I'd need a bottle just to put over my stomach and boobs."
Sara laughed. "You swim a lot?" Tegan nodded. "I did, too." She sighed contentedly, taking a sip of her coffee. The smell made Tegan crave it, but it had been too long since she last drank coffee that she didn't feel the urge to desire it for more than a minute.
"When was the last time you went swimming?"
"Well, since I've never had a pool…" Sara winked, making her wife's face turn red, "...I just went with my friends or mum to the pool when I was young. I also did go to the beach a lot." Sara paused, still pondering whether to tell her wife when the last time she'd been to the pool was. "Umm, the last time was long ago," she said. "It was with Jack."
"Aha." Tegan nodded. "We did go to the beach in Italy, though."
"But we didn't swim." Tegan nodded again.
"Do you ever, umm, miss him?" Once she asked, she looked down at her half eaten plate. She wished she hadn't asked that.
"No?" Sara answered. "Why would I?"
"Like…it's just a question. Like not miss him as a lover, but as a person being around."
"No, Tee." Sara laughed nervously. "Half of the time I was trying to figure out who he was sleeping with. That's the time we spent together. I investigated and he hid the truth so well. The happy times were very little." Sara sighed. "I still stayed and wanted and loved him. I simply didn't know my worth." Tegan smiled, and that smile was genuine. "Even in our darkest times, now I'm much happier."
"I'm glad."
Sara heard a loud screech as she was getting changed in the bathroom. She was just tying the bikini top when she heard it. She had to run out of the bathroom with her top barely tied. When she reached the bedroom, her wife was sitting there topless.
"What's wrong? What happened?" she asked quickly, panting. Nothing seemed strange other than Tegan's thunderstruck face and wide-eyed gaze.
"I'm milking," Tegan said slowly. "I mean…I have milk."
Sara's eyes widened for a second only. She walked up towards her wife. "Oh, uh…it's normal."
"No," Tegan said. She covered her breasts with both hands. "I don't want to." She immediately began to cry. "I don't want that. I'm not a cow." She sat on the mattress, shrugging both shoulders with heavy tears. "I'm not a cow," she repeated.
"Who said you're a cow?" Sara sat next to her. A gentle hand reached the naked back to give it soothing rubs. "Babe, you're a pregnant woman, not a cow. It's normal to feel…like that."
"So disgusting." Tegan wiped her tears. "I hate them." Sara understood her struggle and she was thankful that she was able to comprehend the issue. Just a decade before, that was her with her breasts. She despised them. She did the impossible to reduce their size. When she discovered she was pregnant and noticed the changes, she tried her best to hide them. Once her breasts grew larger, she hated herself and her body. Jack couldn't understand her torment. Nobody really could, not even Stacy. But as she was sitting with her wife, making her feel better, she was reminded of her own tears.
"Your surgery is next week," Sara whispered, kissing the sweaty temple next to her. "That means you're giving birth next week so it's very normal to have this issue. I warned you against it." Tegan nodded. "It will stop when you don't feed," Sara said. She stood up and walked to the dresser. "It's just gonna be a bit painful because your breasts will be full but don't worry about it." She opened one drawer and found what she needed. She turned around and faced her crying wife with the nipple pads in her hands. "We're gonna deal with this the proper way it should be dealt with for now." Sara smiled. "Thank God Stacy bought these." Tegan nodded and waited for Sara to use that thing on her. Whenever Sara unintentionally pressed, some more of that white substance oozed out of her nipples. Sara told her that's not milk; that was what left the body before milk was fully formed. Sara also asked her if she wanted to pump but she refused. She just wanted to sit under the sun and watch her wife swim in the pool, and that's what they did next.
She ogled the body that had jumped in the water just moments before. How the sun kissed the pale skin turning it darker in shade while some parts were already beginning to lean towards a pinkish hue. How the drops of water adorned those exposed parts, standing there like dew on frozen leaves in an early autumn morning. Her hair stood at the back of her neck; sleek, smooth, and short. She disappeared beneath the water and appeared again after a second, panting with delight. Her chest heaved up and down and Tegan couldn't really avoid the roundness of her breasts as they rose and fell in the black bikini top her wife picked out from the options she had been presented. It did not really fit her well; it was a tad small but her wife thought it was cute and nobody was home so she wore it anyway.
Reminded of her issue (not that she forgot it since the soreness did not really help), she looked down at her own breasts. She looked inside one cup to find the pad Sara put for her completely soaked. When she looked at Sara again, she found her squinting from a distance. She wished she could go down and enjoy the cold water instead of sitting under the sun with only her feet enjoying the wetness. She sighed; she didn't have the energy anyway. She felt a bit lethargic, somehow dizzy, and quite uncomfortable.
Sara swam to her once she realized that something seemed off. She stood where Tegan's feet were dipped inside the water. She touched her legs, right where the water stopped just beneath her knees. "Babe," she whispered. "You're okay?"
Tegan nodded unconvincingly, so Sara raised her brows. "I am," she said. "I'm just sore."
"Your breasts?" Tegan nodded. "Do you want to go upstairs?" She shook her head. "What do you want?"
Tegan chuckled. "I'm just enjoying your body while you're swimming, so keep doing that."
Sara blushed, and Tegan did too when their eyes met, an understanding only they could comprehend through eyesight. Days without intimacy left room to longing. They cherished those moments more now. Each time they got to kiss or touch in the quiet darkness of the night, they took advantage of every minute and appreciated the soothing effect their light whispers and gentle grazing left on their bodies. However, they never went further after Sara's injury. She felt very uncomfortable and often in pain more than a week after which left Tegan feeling worse. It seemed like it had happened a long time ago even though it was just a month before.
Sara continued swimming and Tegan continued checking whether something oozed out of her nipples every few seconds. Sara noticed it more than a few times but never swam to her side and asked her about it. She honestly did not want her to feel more uncomfortable. She had realized that her wife was going to be filled with shock once she was faced with this situation. Though she warned Tegan about it, she did not really want to scare her with full details. Her lover seemed utterly dumbfounded and upset.
Sara also felt the heat against her neck. Though her partner rubbed sunscreen all over her body, Sara was sure she was going to get an awful sunburn like every time she decided to swim. One time years ago, she was convinced to get a tan and so she listened to her best friend and her cousin and went tanning. The result was the worst sunburn her body could endure and weeks and weeks of skin treatment in order for her to feel better. She remembered waking up at night crying because of how much her body hurt, and upon memory, she decided to step away from the sun and swim to the opposite side where the shade covered one corner. As she turned around, she saw her wife topless; examining her left nipple with sheer disgust.
"Tegan," she yelled from afar, alerting the younger woman, filling her face with heat and redness. "What are you doing?" She swam up to her.
Tegan sighed exasperatedly. "I'm checking," she said annoyingly.
"Checking what?" Sara asked with a giggle. "You realize you're topless in public?"
"What public?" Tegan shot. "We're at my parents' place and there's literally nobody." Her voice was loud and angry.
"Chill," Sara whispered. Tegan did not answer. She kept squeezing until milk squirted out of her breast and hit her wife's face, emitting a scream in the open air.
"Shit, shit, I'm sorry." Tegan wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Sara was wiping her face. Both of their faces were red.
"You have that much milk?" Sara seemed surprised with hints of apprehension leaving her tone.
"Yeah?" Tegan noticed the puzzlement.
Just then the door opened and Sonia stepped out into the daylight. Tegan almost jumped, reaching for her bikini top as quickly as possible. "It's your mum," Sara whispered before Sonia could approach them. Tegan exhaled deeply. At least it was not her father or brother or a stranger.
"Why are you topless?" Sonia asked with a raised brow. Tegan was trying to tie up her top but she couldn't, and Sara couldn't reach her from behind because she was in the water.
"Umm…"
"She started…umm…" Even Sara hesitated. "I mean milk started to come out of her…" It was just awkward.
"Oh." Sonia looked at her daughter with horrified wide eyes. "When?"
"This morning," Tegan mumbled. "Can you tie up my top?"
"Sure." The mother bent down to help her daughter, millions of questions swimming in her mind. "I called Eugene asking her to be prepared because I have a feeling you might go into labor soon." Eugene was her mother's friend and the doctor who was going to perform the c-section.
Sonia's words worried Sara.
"Why do you think so?" Sara asked. Tegan didn't argue. She already felt it this morning but did not want to say anything just in case it was a false alarm. Part of the soreness was mild cramps that interrupted her thoughts. The discomfort wasn't promising. However, it could just be her mother's words that had affected her.
"She doesn't seem very…comfortable." Tegan squinted as her wife left the water. That was enough for today. Sonia's words made her lose interest in swimming. "Am I right?" Though the question was directed towards Tegan, both the mother and her daughter stared at the professor up and down. Their eyes scanned the wet skin, and Sonia's fell on the famous scar just above the waistband of the bikini bottom.
Tegan looked at her mother and nodded. "No, I'm not. I'm kinda dizzy. I think it's the sun." Sonia finally stared at her, giving Sara space to breathe without those hazel eyes examining each part of her.
"Are you hungry?" Sonia asked. "Let's get inside. I'll go prepare something for you to eat."
Sonia left before the two as Sara was trying to help her wife stand up. Once she succeeded, Tegan commented, "Did my mum just check you out or was I imagining that?"
"I think your mum is into girls, to be honest. She stared at my tits for an entire minute."
"Shut up," Tegan laughed. "She's just trying to see who her daughter is sleeping with." Sara's brows furrowed. "She's that obsessive and weird. She literally asked me if I loved you more than I loved her the other day when we were fighting and I spent the night in Ted's room."
"Wow." Sara chuckled nervously. "What did you tell her?"
"I told her that I loved both of you equally but differently." Tegan shook her head. "You're worse."
"I'm not." Sara grinned.
The lighthearted teasing continued as they entered the house and went up to Tegan's bedroom. Sara checked herself in the mirror, still grinning at the thought of her mother-in-law checking her out.
"I think we both got sunburnt," Tegan commented. She lay down on the mattress, still in her swimsuit. "My shoulders sting and your skin's red."
"Yeah, it's shit," Sara mumbled as she checked her right shoulder out. "This is gonna be awful. I should get some lotion or something quickly."
"Mum got some," Tegan said softly as she felt another cramp. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Sara did not notice; she was preparing clothes for her shower.
"I'm gonna take a shower. Wanna take one with me?"
"No," Tegan said. "I'm gonna take a nap. I'm a bit dizzy."
"Oh, maybe the sun got to you?" Sara inquired and a nod was the response. "How's the…?"
"It's fine," Tegan said before her wife could continue. "I'll get dressed and take a nap."
When they were called for dinner later on, Tegan did not want to eat.
"Why?" Sonia asked, checking her temperature. "What are you feeling?" Tegan was barely awake, slightly shivering even though her skin stung.
"I don't feel like eating. I feel sleepy." She closed her eyes again. The mother and wife exchanged worried looks. Two times Tegan was asked whether she felt the need to go to the doctor and Tegan denied it. When Stephen arrived, he also checked if something was abnormal.
"Maybe it's the sunburn," Sara remarked. The room was too hot and Sara could barely wear clothes so she was in Tegan's blue shorts and a black tank top. She fanned herself with her hand while her wife was wearing heavy layers and covering herself with a duvet.
"Perhaps," said Stephen with uncertainty.
Her parents and wife continued checking on her. The cramps ceased but the lethargic sensation did not go away. After seven she finally felt hungry and asked for Sara to bring her something to eat. Sonia checked on her again while she had food in her room.
"Sara, is her hospital bag prepared?" Sara nodded. "Does she know what happens after birth?" Tegan's eyes widened.
"I suppose she does," Sara said. "We read a lot of books."
"I shouldn't have sat in the sun," Tegan said. "I just feel sick." Sonia sighed. "Mum, I'm not giving birth."
"I know. It was my idea so I feel bad."
"Sonia, you can go rest. I'm with her. If we need anything, we'll call you."
The coupled binge-watched some Friends episodes after. Sara used her laptop and Tegan cuddled with the pillow. Her babies began to kick after nine.
"Sare?" Tegan asked softly. "What does mum mean telling me what happens after birth?"
Sara chuckled. "Tee, you know, like how your body will change. How you'll kinda bleed awhile after."
"Oh." Tegan paused. She stared at the wall that faced her. "Like, too long?"
"Babe, it's called lochia and it's some sort of a vaginal discharge after birth. It has some blood and uterine tissue. It's because your uterus is being cleaned. It lasts for four to six weeks I'd say."
"Wow." Tegan took a deep breath. "That's a lot."
"Yeah, some people say it's the longest period of your life. But it really becomes very light after a week or two." Sara smiled. "I thought you knew that."
Tegan shrugged. "Like, I did, but not in details." She sighed. "And then there will be the scars of the surgery and the stupid milk. I'll look and feel disgusting." Sara laughed softly.
"You won't." She kissed the top of her head, where the hair was a bit damp and the skin beneath it sweaty. "I just wanna warn you that women tend to bleed heavier with a c-section than with normal birth."
"Fuck my life," Tegan said. "I can't believe I'm gonna go back to stupid agonizing periods again."
"Better than pregnancy, though."
"Yeah." Tegan yawned. "I want to shave before I go give birth…especially down there." Sara laughed. "What? Everyone's gonna see everything."
"You're not giving birth vaginally."
"Yes, but I will be checked first and…like in the hospital after. Mum told me about it." In that instant she felt a sharp kick. "Damn."
"Kicking?" She nodded. "I'll help you shave," Sara said as she put her hand on the protruding bump. "Is there a lot of milk till now?" Tegan shrugged.
"I didn't check. I'm sore, but it's fine." Sara kissed her.
Sleep conquered their bodies even though Sara tossed and turned for an entire hour until her mind shut down. Her body felt hot and her skin burned. Sonia gave her sunburns lotion but it did not help much. What did not help was Tegan feeling cold, which was strange considering that pregnant women usually felt hot.
Her dreams were vague and interrupted. One time she saw herself laughing loudly. The laughter was obnoxious and the faces were unfamiliar. The other time she saw herself crying loudly, wailing in fact. Jack was by her side and Tegan wore a dark red shirt. Tegan held her dead baby. She begged for Tegan to get her back as she lay in the hospital bed. Jack tried to calm her down and make a deal with Tegan. Tegan didn't want to make any deal; she just wanted to take her baby.
When she woke up, she was panting. That's not the reason she woke up; Tegan shook her. She opened her eyes to find crying Tegan in front of her.
"Sare," said the younger woman. "There's some blood." Sara jumped up, eyes wide and heart drumming.
The noises were suddenly loud that Sonia and Stephen woke up to loud voices arguing about something they could not comprehend. Sonia checked the phone next to her on the nightstand. It was past two in the morning. She looked at her husband, who was trying his best to make up a clear sentence out of the shouting.
"Do you want me to go check?" Sonia asked. "They can't be arguing right now. It's midnight."
Stephen sighed.
"They weren't even fighting. They were happy all day." Sonia got up. "This is getting ridiculous." She searched for her glasses in the dark and found them next to her phone. "I can't believe I'm saying this but I can't wait till she gives birth and goes home."
"Be prepared for these nights the moment she gives birth. You're going to practice the stay-up-all-night-mum role." Sonia chuckled as she stood up.
"Why me? There's another mother in there." Plus, wasn't Sara the one who wanted children? She should be responsible for all that.
A loud knock was heard right before Sonia attempted opening the door. It made her jump because her hand was on the knob already. She opened it to find a panting Sara with a flushed face.
"So…she…she…" Sara could not speak. Her tears were heavily falling. "She…"
"What's wrong with her?" Sonia yelled pushing Sara away to walk to her daughter's bedroom.
Tegan was sitting there with eyes tightly closed. "Tegan," Sonia shouted. Stephen followed immediately and Sara was behind, quivering and crying.
"I think I'm going into labor," Tegan said. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes again to bear one more contraction. They were sudden and quick. "Sara's having a panic attack," she said. "Fuck."
"She's gonna die," Sara said. "They're all gonna die," she cried.
"Can you shut up?" her wife scolded. "Stop saying that. Stop her from saying th…ah fuck, fuck, fuck." Tegan took a deep breath. "Mum, it hurts."
"What do you feel and what happened?" Sonia asked. She was trying to remain calm. She took a hold of her daughter's hand and was greeted with a tight squeeze. Stephen held shaking Sara, steadying her.
"The pain increased and made me wake up. I went to the bathroom and I found some blood. I came here to wake her up. She started panicking." One more loud moan then Tegan continued, "She…she said I'm dilated. She measured."
"She's so dilated. She's ready to push and it's gonna happen right here and she's gonna die," Sara spoke fast and loudly. She hit herself as vague images shocked her brain with their electric memories.
"Shut up," Tegan yelled. "Fucking shut up and chill."
"Tegan," Stephen said. "She's not aware of what she's saying."
"She needs to fucking wake up and stop doing that." Tegan took a deep breath. "And go change those fucking clothes. You look fucking ridiculous," she said with gritted teeth. Sara was still in her earlier tank top and shorts. "How are you gonna go to the hospital that way? What will people say?" Tegan was crying. "God, I hate you for making me go through this. It hurts so much. I'll never have more babies. I hate you."
"How dilated is she?" Sonia asked.
"I don't know," Sara said, sniffling. "Very dilated."
"Stephen, I need some gloves and lube. I need to check." She turned around to face her pained daughter. "Is that alright?" Tegan nodded immediately. "Take Sara and go outside. Take Tegan's bags and go to the car. Prepare it. I'll see what's going on and..."
"No, let me stay," Sara said. "Please, let me stay." Stephen ran out of the room and immediately came back with what his wife asked him to get. Tegan just wanted the pain to be over. There wasn't any room for embarrassment. "Please, let me stay."
"Should I…"
"Just take Tegan's things and go down," Sonia whispered. Her daughter squeezed her hand so tightly she wanted to scream.
Tegan reached for her wife's hand, but Sara didn't take it. Her fear made her step back and close her eyes while tears continued falling. Disappointment masked Tegan's pale face and with closed eyes she, too, continued crying. "You're not bleeding," Sonia remarked. "Good. Guess that was just spotting." Tegan nodded with silent tears. The pain grew each second. "Shit. You are very dilated," Sonia said. It made both women open their eyes. "We need to go to the hospital immediately, Tegan."
"See, I told you," Sara yelled.
"Did your water break?" Sonia asked again, removing the gloves.
"I don't know," Tegan said. "I don't think so."
"Okay. Good. How long have you been getting these contractions?" Tegan shrugged. "How long?" Sonia asked again, a bit louder. She was already helping her stand up.
"Since last night," Tegan whispered. "But they weren't like this."
"Why didn't you say?" yelled the mother. "God, I knew something was off about you." Sara was searching for her sneakers. She was dizzy. She was going to faint.
"I was scared, okay?" Tegan screamed. "Look at her. She's fucking losing it." Tegan finally stood up with Sonia's help. "God, wear a fucking shirt over this. Everyone can see your breasts."
Both women did not make sense. Sonia dialed up her husband to come up and help her. She asked for Tegan not to push at all. Tegan didn't understand how that worked. She said yes anyway.
"Tegan, hold my hand and stop yelling at your wife," Sonia said.
"I have to shave first," Tegan said. Sara was directed out of the room by Stephen while Sonia helped the younger woman.
"No time," Sonia said impatiently.
Before they left the house, Tegan's water broke on the staircase. Sara vomited right after. She sat down and closed her eyes. She surrendered. That was it. She was okay with it. It was the same result. The room spun around her. She did feel herself picked up. She was in her living room. Her mother screamed and cried. Too much blood covered her crotch. The pain was not normal. Jack cried, too. The road to the hospital felt long. When she opened her eyes and listened to the soft voice from behind her, she realized she's in a different setting. The old man worriedly stared at her as he drove the car. She wanted to puke again, but she lacked energy. She listened to the voices and cried in helpless silence.
"Tegan, please don't push," Sonia asked. She sat next to her screaming daughter in the backseat while Sara was put in the front. She brushed her hair. "Just wait, honey."
"It's happening on its own." Tegan cried. "They wanna come out."
"I know. I know." Sonia's hand ached. She really hoped they arrived to the hospital before Tegan gave birth in the car. She was not supposed to have a natural birth. Thankfully, she had time to phone her friend and wake her up. Thankfully, she had warned her that morning. She had felt it and her intuition never failed her when it came to her own daughter.
Ted and his wife were called, too. They were already there at the hospital when everyone arrived. Sara was thrown at them, almost numb, not sure where she was or what day it was. Her state brought misery. Stephen was worried. Once Tegan was inside the room, her wife screamed and begged to be inside. Nurses seemed angry and doctors wanted her to be silent. Stephen only had one option to quiet her down. He thought of it the moment he saw her panic. He made her sit next to him in the waiting room and gave her two sleeping pills and a glass of water. Sara took them without questioning what they were. He held her shaking arms and made her lay her head on his lap. He urged her to fall asleep, softly promising that her wife and babies were going to be fine.
Tegan's pain almost made her lose consciousness. She wanted her wife. She searched with her eyes but only found her mother in a green hospital gown. She looked in front of her and the doctors were gathered up around her. She was stripped off her clothes and put into a hospital gown quickly. She was checked two times before the doctor nodded that it was definitely time to begin the surgery. When they moved her to the surgery room, she found no one on the way. Sara was not there nor her dad nor her brother. Her mother was the only one that followed her inside that scary place. They asked her to stare at a bright light and she did. She was already losing consciousness due to the shot one nurse had given her before. Now her eyes just felt heavier and her pain somehow stronger, yet she couldn't voice her thoughts out loud. With a soft kiss on her forehead from her mother, she closed her eyes.
In Sara's world she was younger and more beautiful. She walked through the halls of the hospital searching for her baby. "Alice," she called. "Alice," she repeated. The hospital gown was thin and air entered her naked skin beneath. "Baby," she exclaimed happily when she found Alice in her crib. She stared at her from the window. She wanted to get in but didn't know how. It was just a window and the door was not there. She looked all around her, panic crawling up her spine. "Jack?" she yelled. "I can't find the door. I need to feed the baby."
When she looked back, the door was there and she entered with laughter. "Silly me, I must've not seen it." She walked up to Alice and picked her up. "There you are," she whispered. "You're so beautiful." She kissed her forehead then searched for a chair. "Want some food?"
She looked all around her but the room was empty and dark, as if abandoned. She sighed. "Jack?" she called again. "You said there would be a chair. You said I'd be able to sit and feed her."
When she turned around, she found a chair. "Wow, I need to look around me better."
She sat on the rocking chair and lifted up her hospital gown. She was bleeding but she did not care. She put Alice against her chest and her daughter latched on. She stared at the blood as it increased. "Jack?" She looked up worriedly. Jack stood there in front of her. He held a red blanket in his hand. "What's wrong?"
"It's fine," he mumbled sweetly. "Give her to me." Sara handed him the baby. "It's fine." He wrapped her in the red blanket and choked her till death. Sara screamed and screamed and screamed. She hit Jack.
"Stop killing my daughter, please," she cried. "Stop killing my baby." She sat on the floor and cried.
Consciousness returned to her slowly. First she heard the soft chatter around her, and then she recognized the dull atmosphere of that lifeless place she despised. She opened her eyes slowly. Her cheek rested on her father-in-law's lap. She opened her eyes better, wider. Panic seemed to return but the older man recognized it too soon, making her sit up gently and quickly. Eye contact to reassure her was all she needed. His eyes made her miss her father; that distant image back in her brain. Perhaps it was imaginary. Perhaps it was that persona she had admired when she was a child. The instinct drove her to push her head in the old man's chest. She began crying. She wished she had a father like him. She wished her mother would hold her and stroke her hair. She wanted to be five again and sit on her mother's lap. She wanted to hear her mother's songs and her mother's soft voice.
"Relax," Stephen said. She nodded while silent tears streamed down her face. She could see her brother-in-law and his wife sitting far in the corner, nursing two cups of coffee. The wife was in her sweats and her hair was all over the place. She looked down at her embarrassing attire. She had found a large black sweater on the floor. It was Tegan's. She had put it on before they left. Her legs felt cold. The shorts failed to cover much. She had never gone out of the house like that. She wasn't aware of her reaction. "Everything is good so far." She knew Stephen was just reassuring her to calm her down, but she took what she could get and nodded.
"Thank you," she whispered.
"No need. You're like another Tegan." She giggled. "Now I know why the universe put you two together; you're pretty much the same." Sara laughed again. She wiped her tears and looked up at the old man.
"I wanted to be there with her," she said, disappointed in herself.
"It's better that you're here."
"I know." She sighed. "I would have lost it even more. Thank you for taking care of me."
"You really don't need to thank me." The couple stared at them for a moment. Sara and Ted exchanged quick eye contact before his wife said something and distracted him. "Tegan hasn't told us about…about you losing…" Stephen faltered; he began regretting the words he was going to say.
"I know," Sara mumbled. "I don't like to talk about it much." Sara paused but instantly continued, "Or didn't. Now everyone knows."
"Sometimes talking about it makes you feel better." She nodded. "Hiding isn't the best option sometimes."
"I know." Sara agreed with a nod. "It was a hard time for me. All I wanted was to have that one baby. I changed my whole life just to have it. I put up with my cheating husband, I promised myself that he would stop sleeping with other people once we had a family; I truly believed he faithfully loved me. I know he loved me somehow, but I was never an only option. Losing her was the last thing I could imagine." Sara tore up again. "Everyone said I was the one who was going to die. I could hear them while I was in the delivery room. When I gave birth, I was the one who almost died. Somehow I woke up from a coma to find her dead. My husband tricked me and I suppose I knew it was a trick and I believed him. He told me it's a miscarriage and that's what everyone knows." She chuckled to herself. "I remember holding her trying to feed her. It was never a miscarriage. I remember exactly how she looked like. I remember how small she was. I held her twice. I kissed her forehead. I wanted to hold her for too long but I was too weak and she was too small."
Stephen held her close again. More tears fell. He smiled, though. "Now you're going to hold two beautiful babies and everything will be alright." The way he promised felt genuine, almost like her mother's promises after each chemotherapy session she had to deal with three years before. She hadn't believed her mother then, though there was always some hidden truth behind that soft octave. It was the honest reassurance, the candid emotions. Her mother loved her and she knew that. She realized that her mother would have been hurt if she died. There was always a difference between love and trust, however. And trust, Sara did not own.
"I just want all of them to be fine."
"Oh, they are." Laughed Stephen. Sara nodded out of respect. How was he so sure? "They really are." He laughed again."
"What do you mean? Is it over?"
"It is." He laughed more. "Tegan has given birth an hour ago, honey."
"What?" She jumped up. Her eyes were wide. A white heat of tremendous jumbled thoughts curtained her face. "Ho…"
"Relax, Sara." She saw Ted and his wife approaching them. She seemed lost. "You were asleep and we did not want to wake you up. Tegan's asleep now. Ted and Tanya saw the babies."
Ted smiled. He sat next to his sister-in-law and offered her a cup of coffee he had just gotten for her. "They're so small and so beautiful."
Tears were quick and plentiful. Tanya smiled. "Sonia's with them right now. They're healthy enough not to be in an incubator," she said.
"I haven't seen them yet," Stephen said. "I'm going to see them with you."
"What about Tegan?" Sara asked, heart aching with excitement and fear. "How is she?"
"Sonia says she's okay but will be in a lot of pain later on."
"What about her heart?" Sara asked again.
"It's alright." Stephen nodded with a smile. "But we will not perform the surgery now. It's not a good option because it will take her some time to recover and she's just given birth."
"But…"
"Now everything will be fine. The surgery will be performed in winter break or next year in summer break." Stephen put his hand on Sara's shoulder to add some comfort to the unnerved woman's heart. "Just relax for now and forget about your worries." She nodded quickly.
"I wanna see my babies," she said and the sound of it felt so real and so beautiful on her lips. She laughed after.
"Yeah, mum is gonna call us now. She requested they get moved to a room on their own so that you can be with them and feed them till Tegan recovers and you go home." Ted put his arm around her, too. She felt protected for the first time in years. She felt connected for the first time in years. She felt safe and warm. She finally had a family. "Now drink your coffee before it gets cold."
She wanted to call everyone to tell them. She wanted to call Stacy and then Adam and then her friends. But most importantly she wanted to call her mother. She had to tell her mother. She couldn't tolerate more sitting. She wanted to get up and see her babies. Before she could do any of that, Sonia was in the room calling her to see her babies. Everything felt like a dream. How could something so beautiful happen to her? Why would it happen to her?
Sonia hugged her and cried. "They're so beautiful," said the older woman. "Come see your girls."
All five walked inside a small hospital room. It was a room for children. First thing they noticed was the paintings on the wall. The yellow ducks, the pink flowers, the small boat, the anchor, the blue birds, and the drawings of some Smurfs. However, what Sara noticed first was the crib. Her heart dropped. Not like every time it had done that before, it was different then. It dropped out of jubilation, excitement, joyous fear, and frightening hope. Her tears hadn't ceased. She took a deep breath as she approached the crib.
The first glance was magical. More tears followed as her eyes were filled with the serene sight. Two infants so similar in their shape, size, and clothing lay next to each other with lilac pacifiers in their mouths. Their eyes were barely open and their skin was so red. They were so tiny and helpless. They were hers. She wanted to hold both of them at the same time. She stared and enjoyed how fate could change with a splash of hope.
Once she felt a hand on her shoulder, she was brought back to reality. Her new family surrounded her. The couple stared in awe while the grandfather almost cried. Sonia was smiling through tears. "You probably can't tell the difference between them so the first one has a green band with number one around her wrist and the second one has the yellow one with number two." Sonia chuckled. "Only two minutes apart by the way."
Sara grinned and one of them opened her eyes more and stared at her mother. Sara laughed. The other stared, too. Sara was aware they could barely see, but they heard the voices and looked at the direction.
"I'll name them with Tegan," Sara said softly. "We've already decided but I want her to be awake and hold them to do that."
"She will be soon," Sonia said. "It's just that she'll be a bit whiny because you know how my daughter is." Plus, the process was too painful not to whine after, Sara had been there and still remembered every detail. She still dreamed about the pain sometimes. "Now we moved them here because she needs to stay here for three days and they must be in a good place." Sara nodded. "I think now you should try feeding them because they're very hungry." Sonia laughed. Stephen did so, too. "We could barely get them to stop crying."
"How was it?" Sara averted her gaze from the infants to look at her mother-in-law. "The birth."
"Very easy, thank God." As most Cesareans were. "We're just lucky her heart helped us and helped her. We were worried about that."
"Yes, but she still must be under watch, Sonia," Stephen said.
"Of course she is," his wife responded. "I just checked on her before I came here. She's still under the effect of sedation."
"Umm, how do I feed them?" It was awkward for her to ask. The only way she could imagine was if she breastfed them. She knew that's not what Sonia meant but she wished she could do that. "Is there any milk?"
"Yes, I prepared it." Sonia turned around and walked to a cupboard where she had stored the milk. She grabbed the nursing pillow from the bed in the middle of the room and gestured for Sara to sit down on one large brown chair in the corner. "I wanted you to feed both of them at the same time but I don't think you can handle it. It's easier if they were breastfed at the same time but, God, Tegan is so stubborn," Sonia rambled while Sara bashfully nodded and adjusted herself and the pillow on her lap. Everyone stared at her as Sonia picked up the first baby slowly. "She's wasting all that milk and depriving her kids from getting some nourishment." Everyone felt uncomfortable the more Sonia blabbered. "She kept leaking even after birth while we were changing for her. I hope she changes her mind."
Sonia put the baby on the pillow, right on Sara's lap. Sara's heart jumped when the baby was that close to her, just like in her dream. She carefully removed the pacifier, earning a whiny cry from the helpless infant. She shushed gently and removed the cap from the bottle.
Sonia sat right next to her on the other chair while the other three stood over her watching, neglecting the baby in the crib. Sonia wanted her to do it. She didn't want anyone to feed them first. She appreciated that gesture from her.
She put the nipple of the bottle close to the small lips of her baby but the baby couldn't open her mouth and take it. She moved it a couple of times but the baby's face was turning redder in resistance, tears escaped her eyes. "I don't think she knows how to suckle," she commented. She had been there with Alice before. That baby was just like Alice, so small. She even looked a lot like her. Maybe all babies looked the same. Maybe Adam's genes were too strong and since she looked like Adam, Adam's babies looked like her.
"She gave me a hard time when I put the pacifier in her mouth, too," Sonia said. "Just try. She's scared. When we got her sister out, she clung onto her immediately. The other one just sucked onto the pacifier quickly, she's even calmer." Sara nodded, she was still trying softly. Milk stained the little girl's lips but she was still against opening them.
"Maybe she's not hungry," Ted said. Everyone looked at him as if he wasn't supposed to be in the room. He cleared his throat and backed away. "I don't know anything about babies."
Sara wanted to name this one Scarlet. Though she was the older one, she wanted her to be Scarlet. In her imagination Scarlet was just like Alice; the weaker one and the smaller one. This baby was smaller than her sister and obviously weaker. She seemed so helpless she reminded her of Alice. Sara grabbed the back of her head and started whistling softly at her. Her head was small and was covered with a tiny blue beanie (Stacy had knitted it for them). The more Sara whistled the more the baby stared, searching for the voice. She took advantage of that moment and pushed the nipple inside. The baby softly started sucking through soft whiny whimpers.
Everyone was astonished to watch the interaction happen. Sara enjoyed the experience. She cried and laughed at the same time. When the baby was done, she put her against her chest and attempted burping her. Sonia was impressed and happy. Stephen looked proud. Ted and Tanya were fascinated. Before handing the baby back to Sonia, she kissed her forehead and whispered her name gently, "Scarlet..."
The second baby was easier and calmer. She took the bottle immediately and sucked quickly. She was stronger and seemed a lot like Tegan in the way her eyes moved, though looks were so hard to decipher when the babies were only two hours old. Sara also burped the baby and kissed her forehead, whispering her name, "Rose..."
She wanted to do that again. She was finally a mother.