All night long…all night long…through the darkness of the first hours of slumber, through the awakenings caused by the crying infants, through the hazy walks to the bathroom; to the nursery; to the kitchen to get water; and back to the bedroom, through the tossing and turning, through the shifting and moving, through the dreams and…nightmares…all night long she'd been having peculiarly agonizing nightmares.
She was in a classroom full of people she could just not control. Everybody talked at the same time. Everybody shouted at her and at one another. It started as a good dream. She wasn't a professor, though. Just a teacher. A normal teacher in a normal high school. She was happy in the dream but not when it shifted to a nightmare. She had to be monitored by an administrator she hadn't ever met in her life. It was an older female. She did very well. The kids loved her. The supervisor adored her. She was the happiest.
The dream continued, though. The next morning she entered the classroom again. The kids were fighting over seats. She tried to shut them up, but they shut her up instead. Two new administrators entered in order to have a look at her teaching strategy. Her kids didn't stop arguing. Soon they began to attack her. She began to scream. She lost control. The man and woman left unhappy and unsatisfied. She cried so hard and ran after them. Her students saw her crying. She had to tell them it was her first time having such a misbehaving class. It had never happened. She had never lost control over her students before. She herself didn't know what happened that day. She had to tell them about the day before, how much that woman had loved her.
She had to seek the help of her friends. Her wife knew her well. Her best friends did, too. Dana had always worked with her. She had to help her. She had to see where Dana was. She chased and followed and walked and ran. She ended up in a thrift shop. It was late. It was about to close. She was sure Dana was there for some reason. She asked around and they told her Dana was in London, but she swore she could see her hair and hear her laughter from the other section. She followed. She walked. She stumbled. She woke up to the crying of her infants.
Some dreams after were vague and plain uncomfortable, but that last one was the worst. She was bitten by insects. Everywhere. Her body was full of bruises. There were many insects on her mattress. It was her old bed in her parents' home. She told her father who laughed it off. She told her mother who waved her off. She began bleeding and returned to her father who seemed horrified watching the blood seeping out of every sting, scratch, and scar the tiny ants were inflicting on her skin. They were black and small. So small she could barely touch them. She tried to kill them but they were everywhere and her father just stood there in bewilderment. The last thing she remembered was the blood on her shins as the excruciating pain on her right breast stirred her awake.
She opened her eyes slowly with a sharp intake of breath. The room was semi-dimmed. She looked down at her wife's head on top of her breast as her right arm held the small frame of the much younger woman. Sara marveled at the state of their slumber and how it had happened. Tegan was just lying there in her arm as her entire body cuddled to the one beside it and her head took refuge against her chest.
Sara tried to push her off gently, but her attempts were met with groans of protest. "Tee, I'm sorry. You're sleeping on my boob." She attempted it again and her wife ended up opening her eyes in small slits to study the scenery around her.
"Oh, boy," Tegan said with a loud yawn as she rolled off to her side. "You were talking in your sleep the whole night. Every time you went to sleep you talked and then you started crying. I woke you up, gave you water and you mumbled something about killing the bees and then went back to sleep. I had to hold you because I felt bad for you." Tegan yawned again while her wife listened. "Why do you keep getting nightmares?"
"I don't know," Sara mumbled, not having any recollection of waking up and drinking water her wife had offered. "They're terrible." She closed her eyes again and sighed. "They make me wake up in a really gloomy mood." She began to tear up a little bit. "Those insects were biting the hell out of me and I was bleeding from their stings and scratches."
"Aww, babe." Tegan shifted closer to her again. She looked at the frowning eyes and put her arm around her lover. "Those are just bad dreams. Maybe induced by your pills?" She kissed the exposed shoulder.
"I don't know." Sara sighed. "I just hate them." She hated how her father always managed to appear in them, even when he didn't have any part in the dream, even when he wasn't making her life a living hell, even when he wasn't hurting her. He was just always there as a good or a bad man or just a pointless addition.
"Dreams mean nothing, Sara," Tegan said. "I always have the same fucking car dream I told you about." She also sighed and put her arm above her head with her forearm leaning against it and her hand playing with her ear.
"Yeah." Sara closed her eyes and rubbed her right breast. "I don't remember you giving me water. I remember the kids crying and you leaving the bed. I also went to the bathroom and I do remember going downstairs to get water."
"Umm…" Tegan chortled. "Sara, you didn't go downstairs to get water. I told you I was going downstairs to get water. You must have mixed up real life with a dream or something. You were barely awake." Sara furrowed her brows. She truly remembered going downstairs. She even stumbled on the squeaking duck in the living room. "I even had to help you drink the water and you spilled it all over your chest, babe." Tegan pecked her nose and Sara sneezed in her wife's face. "Eww, fuck."
"Sorry." A deep shade of crimson colored Sara's cheeks as she began to wipe off the spit that flew from her mouth to her wife's face. "I'm so sorry," she said with a giggle.
"It's fine." Tegan was laughing. "Much better than their puke on my face."
Tegan turned around and switched on the monitoring device. Her babies were calmly asleep which did worry her. "They only woke up once. Why are they still asleep?" She rose up with a loud yawn. Her hair was disastrously unkempt and greasy. Her large yellow shirt with holes in it was unflattering. Her legs were full of hair and so were her arms, but Sara never cared and never made any comment even when she had been making out with her all night long while her hands roamed up and down against the rough skin. She hadn't moisturized since ever. She hadn't shaved since ever. She felt lucky her wife didn't care.
"Maybe they're exhausted?" Sara was the exact opposite. She chose the skimpiest, sexiest, and most flattering lingerie and night gowns to sleep in at night. She was always as smooth as butter and hairless as a shiny doll. She was just inviting. All of her. Her skin, her body, her touches, her voice, her moves, and her face.
"No, I'll go check." Frantically, Tegan moved out of bed to go check on her babies, thinking of different frightening scenarios to why they hadn't been annoying the hell out of her all morning.
But they were asleep. Both of them. Their thumbs were in their mouths and their breaths were normal. Tegan smiled down at the two of them, not able to know what type of sensation had hit her chest when she saw them softly and peacefully asleep in their cribs. She just wanted to lie down next to them and watch them as they slept. She didn't want to disturb them, though. She went back to bed assuring her wife that the kids were alright.
"You worry too much right now," Sara said. "You're becoming me."
"I can't help it." She was back again in her wife's arms, a delicate contrast in their attire and looks. Sara kissed her head. "I guess it's a mom thing. I guess now I know what mom meant when she said when you become a mother…"
"You'll know what I'm talking about," Sara completed with a laugh.
"Do all moms say that?" Tegan was tracing her finger against the sharpness of that jaw next to hers. She felt hungry for it. In need to kiss it. She pushed her head in the crook of the long neck and pecked it.
"Yeah." Sara was getting swayed as well. Her voice was soft and inaudible. "We better not become them." Tegan kissed the jaw. "Mmmm."
"Wanna give it a try?" Tegan bit her bottom lip and beamed at her wife.
They had been trying for over two weeks. It started with soft kisses and moved to making out. Then touches above the clothes and then below until the previous week when Sara began to rub Tegan's clit slowly until either the babies made a scene or Tegan just grew nervous the babies would wake up and just pushed her away.
The babies were always a loud hindrance.
"I mean I'd like to but don't you think they'll wake up soon?" Sara was looking down at her with twinkling, drumming, hungry eyes. Tegan could tell.
"But I'm horny," Tegan complained. "And I'd like you to touch me…I mean, maybe."
Sara hummed and kissed her lips. "Okay. Let me lead the way and don't stress yourself."
"Okay." Tegan nodded.
She rested on her back and waited in unspeakable awkwardness until Sara finished wrestling with the sheets to top her. Sara's breath was not pleasant but who was she to judge when she, too, woke up just moments before. She took a deep breath and waited, but Sara seemed hesitant as she stared into her eyes.
"What?" she whispered.
"Nothing." Sara shook her head. "You look the same as…as you looked when it was our first time." At that, Tegan's face was filled with shades of crimson. She couldn't tell if that was a compliment or not but she didn't voice her confusion.
Sara's kisses started slow and soft, the way they were during her first time. But Sara was smart, because she knew that being slow and teasing indirectly was the only way to get her in the mood. The hands were going up and down her arms. She imitated the movement, but broke away the kiss to add a comment, "Do you bathe in lotion?" Tegan squeezed the flesh. "You're so soft." It was the opposite of her skin. She hated the contrast.
"You're soft, too," Sara said and kissed. Tegan didn't believe her. She knew too well she was anything but soft. She was hairy, she was heavy, she was unattractive, unflattering, not very sexy, not appealing. She was not soft, though. Not at all.
The yellow t-shirt was lifted up and soon discarded. She was left in her black boxer briefs and breasts that she would rather do anything but flash in daylight. Subconsciously, she put her arm above them to shield Sara from the view.
Sara laughed.
Tegan swallowed as she watched her removing her stupid silky night gown. Was it necessary to undress? They had been doing that every day for the past two weeks in their clothes. Why did Sara strip them off?
Please, babies, wake up right now.
"I'm getting flashbacks to the day I first fucked you." Tegan gasped. Sara's hand pushed her arm away gently. "Relax." She placed a feather kiss on her left breast, too careful not to hurt her.
They resumed kissing but it became faster and heavier and full of need. Tegan moaned. It was cue for her wife to place her index finger against her crotch and begin rubbing above the fabric of her underwear. She began to writhe underneath Sara, not out of discomfort, but out of need. Sara was doing something that made her clit burn and ache. She dragged her finger up and down the covered cunt and stopped at the swell of the clit which was too apparent from the tight underwear. She squeezed it with two fingers then circled with her nail.
"You want it?" Sara whispered in her ear. Before she could moan an answer, Sara licked her earlobe and the moan turned into a loud, slutty scream of approval. "Great." Sara pecked her jaw.
Her underwear was soon thrown away from her sight and her legs were parted. The jungle of hair greeted her eyes and she almost cried in shame. Sara didn't seem to care.
"I'll be slow," Sara assured. "I'll rub you. If you cum, that's great. If you want me to do something more or something less, tell me." She nodded and Sara kissed her.
But Sara didn't kiss her when she was circling her clit. She watched her as she began to unfold, relax, and succumb to her need. There were a few kisses here and there, but Sara mostly watched and smiled.
Tegan wished she could touch her nipples. She wished she could circle and tweak. She wished Sara would suck them. She tried, too. She didn't only wish but she tried and she felt, but soon enough the pain hit her.
"Hurts badly?" She nodded with a hiss. Sara kissed her.
"Sara?" She was taking so long and she hated it. "Can you push a finger?"
"Are you sure?" She nodded. She wanted to get it over with. "Okay." Plus something was giving her a stinging feeling that she had been dealing with every time she urinated for the past two weeks.
Sara began poking the wet opening while pecking the exposed parts of her upper chest. She gingerly pushed her index finger in and looked closely into the narrowed eyes of her lover. "Good?" she asked. A nod followed. "Hurts?"
"I think I missed this." Tegan released a deep breath. "It's good. Continue." Sara smiled and kissed her. Nothing was wrong, she knew it. Her wife had only been her dramatic self.
She used a thumb to rub the bundle of nerves while her index was curled inside in slow and sensual pushes. The moans were nice and quiet and the sweat was glistening in the half-lit room.
"I'm going down on you," Sara offered and in a moment her face was buried between full milky thighs. The sounds rose up and Tegan had to turn her head to take a look at the monitor in order to check on the infants. Sara noticed it and immediately turned her face with a hand. "Stay with me," she whispered between soft kisses on the engorged clit and parted lips. "It's very rude of you to look at the monitor while I'm drinking your pussy juice." Tegan gasped and Sara triumphed.
The soft licks turned into slow sucks; the gentle movement changed to hard thrusts; the soft sounds of pleasure morphed into loud euphoric screams. Sara's hair was captured between thin fingers. Eyes were tightly closed and bladder screamed unwillingly. She was close. Too close. The finger inside did wonders but it was all Sara and her tongue and her vigor and her experience. She almost cried when she felt it. It was too close. Too damn close.
It disappeared. She pushed Sara's head away quickly, but it was too late. She couldn't control herself and her bladder betrayed her…again. She cupped her mouth as she stared at her wife's shocked face. Tears ran out of her eyes and embarrassment blanketed her entire system. She could swear she felt her heart near an attack. The beating was too loud.
Sara wiped her face and the disgust on it was there and no attempt was there to hide it. She was just confused and her head was full of questions.
"I'm so sorry," Tegan said and quickly ran away to the bathroom, making sure to lock the door so she could break down on her own.
Her cries were loud and agonizing. Too loud and full of hiccups and sniffles. Sara just stood there behind the door in speechless silence. She quickly discarded the sheets off the mattress and walked up to the bathroom. She knocked on the door a number of times knowing too well she wouldn't be allowed in.
"Tee," she called, "can you please open the door?"
"Sara, please leave me alone. I'm begging you," Tegan shouted through unstoppable tears.
Sara sighed. The babies had started crying. "I just wanna…can we talk about it?"
She really didn't know what to do. At the beginning she thought Tegan was trying to push her because it was too much, not because she was about to pee herself. When it happened, she needed a few moments to understand it. She couldn't really get why Tegan had held it in that much. It was not healthy. She also didn't know how she was going to approach Tegan about something so embarrassing to her. She could tell her it was alright and that it happened, but it didn't. It never happened to her. Nobody peed during sex…nobody that she had had sex with at least.
The problem was bigger than that. Tegan was already going through so much. Sara could easily tell that her wife was suffering severe postpartum depression. Sara hated therapists and never suggested them, but she was about to suggest for Tegan to go to therapy again, just not sex therapy. Sara would rather die than go there.
"At least let me wash up so I can get to the kids," Sara said. "They're screeching."
Upon hearing that, Tegan immediately opened the door in her towel with tears still in her eyes. She didn't look at Sara. She just ran out of the room to the nursery where both infants were crying. She cried along. She picked both of them up and put them on their pillows on the floor in order for her to sit down and prepare herself to feed them. She was naked, wet, and cold but she didn't care at all. She put both of them on the nursing pillow and began to nurse them as she cried.
About twenty minutes later Sara showed up to the nursery where Tegan was still there playing with her active babies. Sara looked clean and fresh in her washed-off jeans and her cinnamon sweater. Tegan was still in her towel with dry tears on her face.
"Baby?" Sara spoke, "Why don't you get dressed while I change for them?"
Tegan nodded. She got up and left the room without a spoken word.
Sara picked them up and put them on the changing table. Scarlet turned around to look at her baby sister. Her hand found its catch and she quickly began to tease the baby next to her.
"No, Soosie," Sara said. She tickled the older twin. "Would you like it if someone kept touching your face like that?" Rose was whimpering. Sara kissed Scarlet's hand and kept her away from her sister. "You stink," Sara said and kissed her stomach. "But you're cute." Scarlet lifted her leg up and giggled. She grabbed her foot and pulled it up to her mouth, gladly sucking on her little toes. Rose was watching her and immediately imitated the process. Sara was laughing hysterically with her phone in her hand to take pictures. She put on their new diapers and began to shower them with kisses as they squealed and played. "Oh my God, I love my little meatballs, my pumpkins, my lovey dovey kittens."
Tegan stood outside and watched the interaction. Her stomach was warm and tender with overwhelming feelings of passion and fear. She hadn't ever felt insecure as much as she did at that moment. It almost took her back to those high school days she'd felt worthless like a ball kicked out too high and landed somewhere else far away from the court. Except she wasn't a high school kid anymore. She was an adult. She had to face the consequences. She was married. She had to speak and communicate. She was a mother. She had to take care of every little detail.
She wished she could evaporate.
"Can we talk?" she voiced in a broken voice.
"Of course, love." She also wanted to cry because Sara was just too nice to her. "Let's go downstairs and prepare breakfast so we can talk while we're eating."
Sara picked up Rose because the baby didn't attack her hair whenever she was next to it. "Can you pick Scarlet up?"
"You're picking her up," Tegan said. Sara furrowed her brows. She remembered clearly picking up Rose. She looked into her eyes then back at the infant lying there on the changing table. "Umm, sorry, yeah. This is Scarlet." Sara sighed in relief. She was so scared she had mixed them up. Almost ashamed.
"Maybe we should get you glasses, babe." Tegan didn't smile, didn't laugh, didn't respond. Sara sighed.
They placed the babies in their seats in the kitchen and both walked around to prepare breakfast. Both were itching to begin the conversation. Tegan was preparing the second meal for her infants while Sara was preparing their first meal of the day.
The five-month-old twins both grabbed their plastic spoons and began knocking on the table in front of them. Whatever Scarlet did, Rose imitated. Tegan was smiling because that noise indicated that her babies were happy and active and Scarlet was actually very much a leader despite her attachment issues.
Tegan had finally figured out what Scarlet liked to eat. She was okay with any mashed fruit and most mashed foods as long as it wasn't anything too sweet. Rose ate whatever her mother put in her mouth. For breakfast, that morning, Tegan was preparing mashed bananas. The girls loved it.
They also really, truly, deeply, and passionately loved chocolate as much as their mother did.
Sara was preparing grilled cheese sandwiches and coffee because that was the fastest meal she could prepare. However, she knew Tegan needed nutrients so she chopped up some fruits and put them in two bowls for her and her wife.
For breakfast, the girls only calmed down if Tegan fed them. If Sara attempted it, they usually writhed, whined, cried until they made their mother cry along. Tegan had more patience and better tricks up her sleeves to make them open their mouths widely and accept the food. Sara was only okay with the bottle or if it was chocolate in the spoon, which they were only allowed a portion of once a week. They usually grew hysterical when they caught the nutella jar, even if it was far away from them. They just knew what it was. Scarlet once almost slipped out of her chair when Tegan was holding the jar.
Sara kissed Tegan's temple while putting the coffee in front of her. That time, she didn't choose a seat on the opposite side of the table; she decided to sit next to her wife and hold her free hand so she could speak to her.
"I don't care about what happened," Sara said. They weren't looking at each other. Tegan was so engrossed in feeding the babies on one hand, but on the other hand she just preferred if the ground opened up and swallowed her. "I just wanna know why you held it in that much?" Tegan let go of Sara's hand. Her body was shaking.
Sara stabbed a strawberry and directed it to her wife's lips. Tegan shook her head. "Please," Sara begged. With a sigh, Tegan allowed Sara to put that piece of fruit in her mouth.
Both women almost jumped at the loud squealing laughter coming from both of their kids. Sara's eyes widened in fear and Tegan just sat there wondering what was so funny.
"Is it because I fed you?"
"I don't know." Within a second, a piece of raspberry was close to Tegan's lips and the jubilant sounds appeared again. "Wow…how do they understand?"
"I'm very shocked." Sara repeated it a third time, earning the same enthusiastic reaction from her wife. "Feed me." She straightened up her posture and waited for her wife to do the same thing.
With a trembling hand, Tegan forked a small piece of peach and directed it to Sara's soft lips. When their eyes met, they stared at each other and Tegan began to cry. The girls were throwing a party of admiration in their chairs.
Sara took her wife in and held her closely. She kissed her forehead and whispered assurances in her ears. The kids began to whine.
They didn't talk about it during breakfast. It was too much and the fussy babies were too distracting. They talked about how it was funny for the babies that their mothers were feeding each other. Almost everything had been making them giggly those days. They absolutely loved the singing sunflower. Anything that sang was a reason to party for them. Often times they giggled when they stared at each other. Rose seemed to notice Scarlet more than Scarlet noticed her. When she did, it was just an open invitation for a quick attack. Scarlet just wanted to touch Rose's face at any cost.
A little while after breakfast and play time, it was Sara's turn to put the babies to bed for their nap while Tegan talked to her best friend on the phone. Stacy had plans to visit with takeout that night because it had been a week since she last visited. Ella had been dealing with the flu and she hadn't wanted her to spread it to the kids.
"My mum wants to call her new baby Ella," Emy informed. Tegan just laughed a bit. "Not funny."
"When are you gonna tell her?" Emy was chewing something crunchy. Probably potato chips.
"When I visit," Emy answered. "She'll be very busy with the baby and she won't even pay attention." Tegan hummed. "And Stacy will tell her mum then, too."
"Aha." Tegan heard Sara's singing voice from her place on the couch of their upstairs living room. It was horrible. She didn't know how the babies fell asleep to it.
"She told her brother, though."
"Oh, that's good."
"Yes. He's fine with it." Tegan yawned. "Ella says hi."
"Aww. Tell her I miss her." Tegan heard Emy delivering the message. She also heard Emy and Ella fighting over the telephone like little kids. "Emily and Ella sounds nice as sisters." Tegan smirked.
"Shut up," Emy screamed. "No, Ella, give me the phone. I'll tell your mum." Tegan was amused. "She's my best friend. Let me speak to her." Ella was beginning to throw a tantrum.
"Just put it on speakers…sheesh." When Emy finally did, the first thing that came through the speakers was the sound of Ella's loud screech. "Are you really fighting with a five-year-old?"
"Tegum, save me from this evil monster," Ella whined.
"She's evil, not me." Tegan wondered where Stacy was. Emy screamed, "My hair, my hair. No, no."
"Guys, can you please stop? Ella, I'm gonna see you today, love."
"Yayyyy." She heard the happy shouts. She sighed. "Emy, I can't believe I'm the one saying this but please act your age."
"Shut up, Tegan. You were interviewing your infants the other day and all they did was spit on your pretend-microphone fist." Ella laughed exaggeratingly at Emy's retort.
"And then Rosie ate her hand," Ella completed. "And Soosie threw up on her."
"I was playing with them, idiots."
"Uh…you lost this game." Tegan rolled her eyes at her best friend though she couldn't see her.
"I don't even know what game you're talking about, Em. I'll see you tonight, okay?"
"Fine," Emy said. "By the way, Jeremy says he's angry with you for not ever calling him." Tegan sighed.
"Do I look like I have time doing anything with those fucking bitches I have at home?" Sara came in with furrowed brows. Sara truly hated when Tegan cursed at her kids, but Tegan always did it. "Tell him if he actually misses me, he can visit. I don't bite."
"I did," Emy answered. "He's just awkward, you know." Sara sat beside her and put her head on Tegan's shoulder.
"Hang up," she ordered in a hushed tone.
"He needs to man up," Tegan said. "Listen, I gotta go."
"Okay. See you tonight," Emy said.
"Bye bye, Teetee," Ella said.
"Bye El," Tegan answered. "See you guys tonight." Sara quickly ended the call. "What the fuck?"
"I wanna talk to you before they're awake because I think their nap won't be long. Looks like they slept well last night."
The sigh Tegan released was loud and frustrated. She didn't know what was there to talk about. "Sara, I'm sorry I pissed during sex. I don't know…my pelvic muscles…" Her voice began to break. "I think there's something wrong." She began to tear up. "This is not the first time this happens." She began to cry.
"Not the first time what happens?" Sara asked. Sometimes she wished Tegan didn't cry over everything. Was she that emotional as well? Were most lesbian relationships like that? Full of tears and drama?
"The other day I was breastfeeding the girls and I had to pee but I was holding it. I didn't know I had to go that bad. But I sneezed and I just peed. You were at work." It was common for women after birth to urinate more, Sara had known about that. What was happening to Tegan wasn't common, however. "I also have a stinging feeling when I…umm, pee?"
"Really? What does it feel like?"
"Like it kinda stings." Tegan released a sharp breath. "So I think, I don't know. I should have told you about it." She wiped her tears. "I'm so embarrassed."
"I'm just worried right now." They also couldn't go to the doctor on a Saturday. "You should get checked."
"Yeah," Tegan whispered. "I guess I have to."
"Monday, Tee. I'll book an appointment." Sara could ask the internet or her mother or Stacy about the symptoms but she wanted to leave it for a doctor to judge that time. If she asked, that meant she would have to expose Tegan by narrating the entire story.
"What about your classes?"
"It's fine. I'll cancel the last one. We'll go at one."
"The babies?" Sara huffed and thought a little bit. They hadn't found a babysitter yet, but Dana had one. She could call her and ask her for her babysitter. She's reliable as she'd been told.
"I guess I'll dial up Dana to give me her babysitter's card." They had never left the babies alone. The only times they had to, Stacy babysat them and Stacy was much better at the mothering job than both of them so they didn't have to worry. On Monday they wouldn't be able to call Stacy. She would be at work.
"Do you think it's something bad?" Sara shook her head. "Really?"
"Some weird stuff happens to the female body after birth, Tee. I just wish you didn't hide things from me." But that wasn't the only thing she had been hiding. Tegan had to hide. She couldn't just call Sara every minute something happened.
"I don't want you to worry." Sara pushed her head back and groaned. "You're working and I don't want you to worry. I also want you to rely on me, too."
"Tee, I'm obviously relying on you. This is not about relying on you; it's just about sharing the burden like you once said." It was true; they were supposed to share that burden. They were supposed to share the happy moments and the sad moments. Tegan just didn't want to expose her failures. She wanted to prove she was able to do what everyone did. Sometimes Sara made her feel small and it hurt her ego. She knew it wasn't intentional. She knew Sara was just trying to care for her. Sara's personality was like that. Age could be a factor, too. Tegan was quieter, also. Sara loved dominance and control; Tegan let her. "Are you having issues with them when I'm at work?"
Tegan didn't want to answer because she didn't want to lie. She had been, indeed. She thought the few incidents weren't worth mentioning but Sara's questioning, burning gaze made her grow small and weak. "Sometimes I do," she finally whispered.
"Like…how? Can you explain?" The professor's voice was louder and Tegan knew that's a sign of fear.
Of course Tegan had to choose her words carefully. What she'd tell Sara might make her change her mind about leaving Tegan alone. It might make her worry more. "Look, they're not exactly issues, but, you know, I'm just learning everything. This is all new to me."
"Yes, Tee, I know. Can you please just tell me?" Sara was nervous and impatient. Her legs were shaking and her brow was sweaty.
"I almost fell holding Scarlet once. I tripped on a toy and I almost did. I cried for too long because I really thought I'd fall." Sara released a breath of relief.
"That's it?" Sara was not there to judge. She just wanted to understand what was going on with her wife. Tegan was not the same. She acted differently. She was scared of sex. She was always nervous. Always down. Always sarcastic. The only time she was in the right mood was when she was playing with the children or when she fucked Sara.
Sara didn't just want to be fucked. She wanted to make love. She wanted to feel married. She wanted Tegan's presence around. Those random moments of affection were nice but sometimes seemed too forced as if Tegan was trying to overcompensate for something.
"What do you mean that's it? I'm telling you I almost dropped our baby," Tegan shouted. "I'm horrible. One time I mixed them up for two hours straight, Sara. I literally just mixed them up like I did today and when I was changing for them and saw that butt mole, I realized I had them mixed up. What kind of mother does that?" Sara laughed. "Why are you laughing? I also pushed their chairs in the bathroom because I really had to go and was so scared I'd just pee myself and I was too scared to leave them alone."
"Oh, Tee." Sara laughed more. "Lovely, little Tee." She grabbed her wife's head from behind and pulled it forward so that their faces were inches apart. "That's literally nothing. One time Stacy almost sat on her daughter but I was there and screamed loudly so she'd notice. Ella cried for hours after that."
"Shut up," Tegan screamed in laughter. "Seriously?"
"Yes. And she also dropped Ella. She actually did that. She was half asleep and also stumbled and they both fell." Sara sighed. Tegan felt bad for laughing. It wasn't funny. "Motherhood is hard, Tee. It's not easy. That's why I want you to share what's going on with you. I know it's not easy. Stacy suffered with Ella and she's suffering now, too. I don't want you to suffer alone. I want us to suffer together."
"I was too ashamed to tell you." Tegan scratched the itchy part of her neck. Sara looked at the pale part of her body where one faint mark of kisses from earlier was still there.
"Don't be, please." Sara kissed that mark. "I won't shame you. If anything you should shame me for not being always here."
"And who would get the money, love?" Tegan sighed. "For now, though. Next year I'm back to work, Sara. I can't take this life for too long."
"For sure, my angel." She kissed her wife's lips. Though Sara thought the babies weren't supposed to be thrown at daycare at such a young age, she postponed discussion for another day. "How was the sex, though? Before, umm…"
"It was good," Tegan said hurriedly to cut Sara off. "It was okay," she said again with a sigh. "I liked it."
"Hmmm." Sara nodded. "Were you at least close?"
"That's what happened, Sara." They were both blushing. "I almost did…umm, cum, but…you know when you push your pelvic muscles…I don't know how to explain it…but when you're almost there and then there's this push that…ugh."
"I got it." Sara nodded. "You thought you'd cum but you just…"
"Yes," Tegan cut her off again. "I'm sorry."
"I don't care, really." Sara shrugged. "I think by now the only thing we haven't seen of each other is actually pooping in front of each other, so, next time, open the door when you do that so I can…" Sara's arm was playfully slapped as laughter filled the room. "I'm serious. There's nothing we haven't seen nor experienced."
"Umm, actually, there is." Tegan wiggled her eyebrows while her wife stared at her in curious tickled confusion. "You haven't gone down on me while I'm on my period." Sara's jaw dropped and her face exchanged shades of red, pink, and yellow. Sara had made a crude joke about period sex in the past, but it was just a joke. She didn't think Tegan would actually want that.
"I mean…" Sara seemed utterly speechless and embarrassed. "I can…umm…"
"Shut up, I'm kidding." Tegan cackled loudly. Maybe there was nothing wrong with her and Sara's overthinking mind was just planting those ideas in her head.
"Oh." Sara still blushed like a child. "I mean who would do that?" Sara had the craziest sex fantasies, but that was not involved.
"Your disgusting best friend and my disturbing best friend." Tegan raised an eyebrow but Sara was still confused. "Stacy and Emy, Sara." Sara gasped. "They've done that recently."
"How the fuck…" The sheer disgust was painted on Sara's features. Her dilated eyes and wrinkled nose looked the same as when she changed her kids' diapers. "Why?"
"Don't say anything to Stacy, though. Emy was so fascinated slash weirded out by it so she asked me if you had ever done that to me and I was like, eww, no, of course I would never let you, and she looked so embarrassed so I confronted her and apparently Stacy is a psycho in bed."
"Well, I know she is but…I didn't know she liked that shit." Sara shivered in horror.
"Yeah, she's repulsive and I'm not shocked one bit. Stacy is just fucking weird." Tegan hoped Sara would never mention that in front of Stacy because Emy asked her not to tell Sara.
"Speaking of periods, Tee, we should also inquire about why yours is so late. You're not even breastfeeding full time and you haven't gotten a period at all."
Tegan fell back on the couch with a groan. "Gahh, can we just pretend it's fine? Maybe I hit menopause?"
Sara found it a nice opportunity to top her. "Nonsense. No such thing is going to happen to you right now. You're literally twenty-three and very fertile and healthy."
"Be careful…stitches." Those were healed but Tegan was always scared something would happen. She heard a story from Dana about her stitches opening during her second childbirth. She was always scared they would open but Sara told her no such thing would ever happen unless she put so much pressure on herself and her body or gave birth naturally within two years from her cesarean birth. Yeah, right! As if she was ever going to get pregnant again.
Sara straddled her. They made out for awhile until the guttural sounds of loud crying resonated in the room.
Stacy arrived to her place holding three grocery bags in each hand. The first scene she saw was Ella's portable blackboard in the middle of the living room with her girlfriend writing on it. Ella was seated on the couch with her different toys and teddy bears assembled right next to her while Emy explained.
The picture was breathtaking because it made her feel warm and good. She loved when Emy and Ella got along. Seeing her daughter happy and amused was her goal in life.
"Mummy, Emy is doing her presentation," Ella shouted from her place on the couch. "We're her audience." Stacy was smiling at her blushing girlfriend who froze when she saw her coming in. Emy never felt courageous enough to practice her presentations in front of Stacy, but at least Ella was always the chosen candidate that Emy used when she wanted to practice something. Teachers College was kicking her ass and her already existing teaching job was also a struggle. Stacy often helped and graded papers with her, but sometimes she could do nothing but listen to Emy whine about her teaching day or her homework.
"That's great. I won't interrupt." Stacy winked at her girlfriend. "What's the presentation about?"
"About the American Remessesses," Ella said then looked up thinking about the word. "Christmases?" She looked back at Emy.
"The American Renaissance," Emy corrected with a smile.
"Yes, the American Renfeces." Stacy let go of the bags with laughter coming from her and her girlfriend. "I can't pronounce it," Ella said with a shrug.
She ran up to the bags to help her mother take them to the kitchen. "Excuse me, Emy. I'm going to help mummy."
"You're excused," Emy said and erased the board with a smile still etched on her face.
She wasn't aware that Stacy was sneaking up behind her until she felt those strong muscular arms wrapped around her midsection from behind. Songs in Stacy's ears were her lover's giggles as they increased the closer her breathing touched the pale neck. Those honey sounds were the reason she felt alive again. That soft skin was the reason she felt her belief in love restored. She couldn't imagine her life before that woman. God, how thankful she felt for her friends hooking her up with that sweet ray of hope she found every morning in her bed.
"You present in front of my daughter, but not me," Stacy whispered and hissed to make Emy shiver. She sneaked her hands up and cupped the two breasts. "How unfair." Emy was giggling. "I'll make you present something for me tonight, I surely will." A bite on the supple neck came after the growl. Emy moaned.
"Mummy, no." Ella pushed her mother away from Emy very quickly. "Don't bite her." She was gasping, panting, scared and shocked.
"Shit," Emy cursed under her breath.
"Baby, what's wrong?" Ella just stared at both of them in confusion. She was tearing up. "Oh, El." Stacy knelt down and gave her daughter a hug. "I was not hurting her. I love her."
"But you were biting her." Emy touched the spot Stacy had touched. She was biting her lip, too scared to say something bad. She didn't know how to deal with kids so she stayed silent most of those times Stacy had to educate her daughter.
"That was a playful bite. I love her and she loves me." Stacy laughed a little. "Sometimes grownups do that."
"But she was hurting. I heard her." Ella turned her focus to Emy's sheepish face. "Were you hurting?"
"I wasn't." Emy shook her head. "We were joking, El." Ella sighed.
Maybe her father's abuse made her worry. Maybe she thought any playful contact other than a kiss was just two people hurting each other. Stacy worried about that. What made her feel upset was Ella thinking her mother would be like that. Fuck that man who had put that senseless picture in his daughter's head.
"Ella, you know I would never hurt anyone, right?" Ella nodded. "I would never hurt you or Emy or any person." Ella hugged her mother then moved the embrace to Emy's legs, hugging them tightly.
Emy picked her up immediately and began kissing her face. "You're so cute." Ella began to giggle. "You're cuter than your mummy."
Stacy could die happily during that moment.
Sara had to clean the house but she postponed it for the next day because she knew Ella was going to make a mess with the food falling around. She thought about getting a cleaning agency to help her. The house was big and her time was so little. She also constantly suffered from aching bones due to aging.
She and Tegan bathed the babies and got them dressed. She put them on their new playing mat that had toys hanging from above. That was their favorite time of the day because they usually cooed, giggled, and played.
Sara made them lie next to one another leaving a bit of space. Both of them reached for the same circular toy above and began to pull at it. Their feet touched and they giggled. They faced each other and both stared at one another blankly. Sara summoned Tegan quietly and Tegan tiptoed her way with the phone's camera filming the activity.
Their eye color was becoming clearer, leaning towards a bright green hue and Tegan prayed to God it would stay that way. Despite their small size, both of them had chubby red cheeks which everyone pinched and loved.
Tegan jumped when her daughters began to smile at one another. Sara was holding inside a squeal by pressing her lips together. The couple watched as their daughters began discovering one another for the first time. Scarlet had noticed Rose before, but only when she was too close to her. She always reached her hand to discover but her mothers never let her. Rose, on the other hand, only imitated without attempting to touch Scarlet even when they were stuck to one another. That time, however, they kept staring and giggling at one another. Their hands moved and touched each other's faces until Rose's hand was in Scarlet's mouth.
"This cuteness is going to make me faint. I'm so fucking overwhelmed," Sara declared. Tegan shushed her. "I love having kids so much," Sara shouted.
The kids, of course, were disturbed by her ongoing banter. They resumed playing individually and giggling at the toys every once in awhile because Sara couldn't keep her excitement inside.
"You ruined my video," Tegan accused. She looked at it again and whined. "God, you never shut up." Sara was laughing. "We don't get to see these cute moments often because fucking Scarlet is always bullying her sister or crying and when we finally do you have to go ape shit about it."
"It's just cute." Sara shrugged. "Plus, you always go ape shit about everything they do. You literally lost it the other day when one of them farted. Who does that?"
"Whatever, Sara. You ruined my video." Tegan cared way too much about her videos because they were supposed to be sent to every member of her family, to all her friends, to Sara's mother, or put on social media. Sara hated using social media to show off the kids, but Tegan didn't care and did so anyway.
"What you filmed is more than fine. Your fans won't get pissed, I promise you."
Tegan was going to respond and the childish argument was going to proceed but thankfully their friends arrived on time and Tegan was too hungry to say anything more. The aroma hit her nostrils and her stomach growled in hunger.
Ella ran up to the twins and began to hover over them to kiss their cheeks. Scarlet grabbed her hair and put it in her mouth and Rose giggled and squealed. "I love you, little Rosie and Soosie." Tegan was watching with apprehension. She was always too scared Ella would harm her daughters unintentionally. "Leave my hair," Ella whined. Tegan walked up to her to release the few strands of her hair from the infant's mouth. "Tegum, tell this baby to leave my hair." Ella still couldn't tell between them. Nobody really did except her and Sara.
"Just don't move. She's a baby; she eats everyone's hair." Tegan switched her finger with the strands of hair. "There you go." Ella sighed dramatically and glared at the baby. Sara laughed amusingly while Stacy scolded her daughter.
"God, not Chinese food again," Sara whined. "You said you're getting hamburger." She frowned at her best friend as she began to empty the boxes. "And what's that? What did you bake?"
"Be thankful…God!" Stacy said. "That's not for you. It's pecan pie for Tegan. She's been craving it."
"Ugh." It was her least favorite pie. "Why can't you just bake something everyone likes?"
"Bake it on your own." Tegan was smirking at her lover. "By the way, guys, don't get them used to pacifiers. They ruin their teeth."
"Well, we wanna eat silently," answered Sara.
"Those are safe, Stacy," explained Tegan. "We asked their pediatrician." Emy was awfully quiet, like she always was in Sara's presence. She was also helping Ella with her food. Ella, of course, did not just sit and eat like normal people. She had to get up and run everywhere. It didn't help they were eating in the living room and the music on the TV was on. That meant a free pass for the kid to unleash her caged enthusiasm.
Once she was done with Emy, she decided to use Tegan's lap as her resting place. Her greasy hand messed up with Tegan's black blouse and hair. Tegan couldn't get her off even when the kid was getting on her last nerve. The last time she told Ella to behave, the crying fit continued for three hours straight.
And Stacy just seemed like she only cared about filling everyone in with the latest Vancouver slash Sara's dramatic family's gossip. Audrey did this. Adam did that. Narissa said whatever. Evelyn responded. Tara picked a side. Of course Sara was very engaged in the conversation, cheering for her mother while Stacy just blabbered. Emy seemed like she was about to fall asleep. Her bloated tummy protruded from her tight striped sweater. She had undone one button from her jeans and slouched on the couch with a glass of soda in her hand as she just zoned out. The kids were becoming whiny and Tegan's breasts began to ache.
Tegan felt like crying.
"El, love, can I get up?" Ella quickly jumped off Tegan's lap. "I gotta go feed the babies."
"Can I come?" chanted Ella. "Mummy is annoying," she whispered. "She always talks," she continued, making sure to win Tegan's heart by her cuteness.
"Sure," consented Tegan. "Let's wash our hands first."
She took her kids to the nursery and sat by the window. How cold was the weather outside! It made her heart quiver. Perhaps that was just the sickness. Ella stood by the window, too. Ella hated the rain as well. Both girls stared at the falling droplets barely visible from the foggy glass. The little fingers of the child began drawing shapes and circles while Tegan breastfed her kids. Tegan smiled at the letters drawn.
"Too many S, Tegum."
"Too much, babe," Tegan corrected with a smile. "Not too many." She winked. "Or you can say too many letters. We use many for the countable nouns and much for the uncountable ones. Of course S is just a letter but you didn't add an s or es after it so you can't use too many."
"Huh?" Ella wondered loudly.
"Never mind. Give me a kiss." She shifted her face closer and the grinning kid craned her neck to peck one cheek.
"Teetee?" Ella asked. She decided to face Tegan by sitting on the floor while the mother sat on the couch. Tegan hummed in response. She was staring at Scarlet pinching her flesh. It did hurt her. "I wish you were my mummy."
It was the same wish Ella always said whenever she was alone with Tegan.
"Why do you say that?" It did concern Tegan. Maybe she should tell Ella's mother, but what if Stacy got hurt and hated her again? "You have a wonderful mum, Ella. She loves you so much."
"I love her, too." Ella sighed. "But I wanna be with you all day long. Every day. I wanna sleep next to you. I want you to love me always."
Was that healthy? Was that kid normal? Admiration was probably the answer to all that. Tegan did remember admiring her mother's friend, too. She was gorgeous and her skin was so soft. Whenever Tegan touched her arm, she felt like she wanted to sleep on her lap for days. Tegan was seven back then. One time she did have a tantrum about not accepting to go home. Sonia allowed her a sleepover as suggested by Fanny. She had forgotten about that woman. Perhaps that admiration was healthy. She really couldn't tell.
"I always love you, Ella."
"But I want you to love me as much as you love Soosie and Rosie," Ella argued.
"Of course I do." The woman's arm extended to reach Ella's head. She began stroking her hair. "You're my little angel." Ella giggled shyly.
"Oh, God, ouch," Tegan screamed.
Ella rose up from her seat to search for the reason Tegan screamed in pain. It was Rose biting her mother's nipple and then smiling like she had no clue.
"Did she hurt your boobie?" Tegan nodded with a hiss. She reached for the nipple cream and began to rub. "What is that?"
"That's going to make my boobie hurt less."
"Put some on mine." Ella lifted her shirt up and waited excitedly. Tegan laughed loudly.
"You don't even have any boobs." Ella put her shirt down and giggled along. "Plus, this is just for breastfeeding mommies."
Ella seemed like she was processing everything in her head. Tegan didn't really know how much she was allowed to share in front of the five-year-old kid, but she had to educate her somehow. She had always thought she'd be awkward during those talks, but it seemed so natural to her. She was going to nail this when her kids grew up.
"You know," Ella whispered in a hushed tone, "mummy's boobies are so small." She giggled. "And so are Emy's." Tegan's eyes widened in shock. "I saw mummy suck at Emy's boobies last week."
No. Maybe she wasn't so good at that.
"Hey, El, that's inappropriate." She bit her lip to warn the child. "I'm sure you saw something else."
"No. No. I know what I saw." The diva flipped her hair. "But I didn't tell them." She giggled wickedly. "Why were they doing that? They do really weird things and then Emy always hurts and screams." Fucking Stacy and her weird hormonal phase. She was ruining her kid's innocence. "Grownups do weird things."
"El." Tegan covered her chest. "You should ask when you see something because you shouldn't tell anyone else about it." She put her daughters in their chairs and strapped them well. She sat on the couch again and put Ella on her lap. "When two people love each other so much, they kiss each other, right?"
"Yes." Ella nodded. "And bite each other sometimes."
Tegan furrowed her brows but shook the thought away. "Well, yeah, and sometimes they kiss each other all over their bodies because they just really love each other. Maybe that's what you saw." Ella's blue eyes were dilated and filled with confusion. "But you should have asked your mummy."
"Does Sara kiss your boobies?" Tegan almost choked on her saliva.
"Uh, no. My boobies are there to feed my babies." Ella giggled. That kid needed to be given the sex talk as soon as possible. She was too young, though. What she was witnessing, however, was giving her a lot of questions. "And you should not look at people's boobies and call them small or big. That's rude."
"But they are." Ella shrugged. "Why are they all not the same size?"
Tegan breathed deeply. "Because everything comes in different shapes and sizes, Ella. Like some people are tall and some are not. Same thing."
"I wanna have big boobies like yours when I hit puberty." Tegan raised her eyebrows. Her mind was going to explode.
"You know what that is?"
Ella nodded. "Yes. Mummy said it's when I'll get my boobies to grow and I'll wear a bra like you and then I'll be a big girl." Tegan nodded.
"That's right." That was exhausting. Ella must have asked her mother a lot of questions. Ella was also very sneaky. Tegan wasn't sure if she had spied on Stacy, or Stacy was just not careful enough.
Emy fell asleep on the couch and Stacy covered her with her brown coat then helped Sara clean the table. The soft snores made Sara take a look at the younger woman every few minutes. She seemed peaceful and tired. "She's working too hard," Stacy pointed out when she caught her best friend staring. "Either working or studying. Also taking care of Ella."
"You didn't have to push her to get the teaching certificate now." During her university years, Emy didn't seem like she was the hard-working type. It almost felt unreal for Sara to absorb that Emy was getting her career all sorted out and her wife's just dead. She never wanted for Tegan's career to go to waste. Her wife was smart. Too smart, in fact. She was also talented and determined. Seeing everyone's career beginning to prosper while her wife's completely disappearing did hurt her. She did feel it was her fault. Her responsibility. Her mistake.
"Yes, I did," Stacy said shortly. "If she wants to be a good teacher and have at least a decent salary, she has to have a teaching degree alongside her English one. She's gotta have her PhD, too." Stacy wiped the table harshly. "I'm not just gonna sit around and watch her settle for whatever shit salary when she's this talented and smart."
Sara just gave a nod. Stacy seemed like she was head over heels and ready to tear everyone's skin off their flesh if they criticized her girlfriend.
"And you should do the same to Tegan." Stacy didn't stop at that. She had to prove her point. "Don't just let her sit around being a mother achieving nothing. Show some support. The girl's obviously depressed."
"You think she is?" Somebody else had noticed it. "You noticed something?"
Stacy faced her best friend and sighed. "It's not hard to notice when someone says nothing every time you see them and just stares blankly at everything without a single comment. She always pulls herself away from every gathering and never comes ba…" Stacy's voice was put to sleep by the deafening sounds of a crying infant.
It was the loudest screech Sara had ever heard. It was frightening. It was heartbreaking. Sara left her friend and ran to the nursery where she saw Ella's sharp teeth engraved on her little girl's cheek, attempting to imitate the act on the other girl.
Tegan came in hurriedly and Stacy followed with a loud gasp and a shriek at her daughter.
Sara almost lost it. She pushed Ella away roughly and picked up the screeching infant.
"What did you do?" Tegan shouted at the little girl.
"I was biting her because I love her," Ella said with a cry.
Emy joined in with horrified gazes.
"Ella, why?" Stacy asked. "You hurt her."
"But you were biting Emy today and you said…"
"Oh, my God," Tegan screamed in the tall woman's face. "Stop fucking up in front of your kid. Stop."
She took screaming Scarlet away from her other mother and began to rock her gently, examining the bite marks on her cheeks. Tegan began to cry. "She's in pain, Sara. We should get her to the doctor." Rose was screaming, too. Nobody picked her up, however.
"Why the hell were they left alone?" Sara shouted.
"I had to pee," Tegan said. She kissed her daughter a number of times.
"I'm so sorry," Stacy apologized. "Guys, I'm…She really…"
"You could have fucking called me to watch her. They should not be left alone. What the fuck is wrong…"
"So now it's my fault?" shouted Tegan with the loudest tone she had, making the kids cry harder and louder. "Because everything is my fucking fault." Ella was crying, too. Emy pulled her away and out of the room. "I'm sick of this. I had to fucking pee."
"I didn't say it was your fault. I just said you should have at least called me."
Both women were yelling at each other. Tegan's face was red with anger and Sara's was creased with judgment.
"I was going to pee myself like I did this morning," Tegan said with burning tears and pained hiccups. "I'm fucked up. I'm fucked up." She left the room dramatically with Scarlet still screeching in her arms.
Sara attempted following, but Stacy pulled her back. "Just let her calm down," she said. "Listen, I'm sorry. My daughter is young. She's five." Sara took a deep breath. "I'll go talk to her. You go talk to Ella. Keep your eye on this kid." Sara looked back at Rose left alone with her tears. She knelt down to pick her up while Stacy walked out to seek her wife's forgiveness.
Drama. Wherever Tegan went, drama followed. Sara had to put up with that.
Two knocks on the door and then it was pushed because permission was not granted. Stacy entered inside the spacious bedroom where the younger brunette was sniveling and sniffling on her mattress. The infant was attached to her breast.
"May I come in?" Tegan shook her head. "Please, Tee." Stacy had never used a nickname for her…ever. "Let me talk to you." Tegan didn't respond.
The door was shut gently and the tall woman walked up where Tegan sat. She sat beside her and gave her a soft smile. "First of all I am so sorry Ella did this." Tegan nodded and looked down at her daughter as she nursed. Momentarily, Stacy looked down at the infant where the bite marks were still prominent on her ruddy cheek. "Second of all Sara was going to follow but I didn't let her so I don't want you to think she doesn't care. She really didn't mean to yell. She was just very scared."
"Stacy, please." The streaming tears hadn't stopped but it appeared like they were increasing. "It's been a very shitty day for me and Sara knows how sensitive some topic is for me and she had to accuse me of…" She couldn't continue because of her sniffles.
"Please try to calm down," whispered Stacy. Her brows were furrowed with concern and helplessness. She hadn't been close to Tegan, but they did share their moments. Like that time with the miscarriage. That time when Tegan asked her to bring a pregnancy test. When she took Tegan with her to work. It didn't help that Tegan's personality was way different than Emy's. But it did help that it was a lot like Sara's when she was Tegan's age. Sara seemed to have forgotten. Maybe she hadn't ever noticed. Sara did cry over everything. She threw fits and overthought too much. "What happened today?" She tested her luck by asking. "You can talk about it," she offered hesitantly. "I promise I won't tell Emy. I just think talking about it helps."
"You really didn't catch anything in there?" A puzzled stare was all she received. "I have an issue with umm…urination."
"Urination?"
A sigh left Tegan's lips. "I get the feeling that I have to pee and before I know it I'm there pissing my pants. Or when I sneeze it just happens." Stacy nodded because she figured out the problem immediately. Many women faced that after birth. "And today I did during sex. I just…peed while she was down on me when I thought I was going to…"
"It's fine, Tegan," Stacy cut her off to save her from embarrassment. "Let me ask you a couple of questions because I think I know what's wrong." Tegan nodded. "Does it feel like you can barely, you know, pee when you go even though you feel like you have to go? Like you're squeezing and it just doesn't come out?"
"Yes," Tegan shot loudly.
"And there's a burning sensation?"
"Yes. Yes. It stings." A weak smile appeared on Tegan's face when Stacy smiled at her. "It's normal?"
"Some type of pelvic pain?" Tegan nodded. "Very normal." Stacy chuckled. "After birth anyway." She handed Tegan the bib she was trying to reach. "You probably have a urinary tract infection which is like a very common postpartum issue, especially if you had a cesarean."
"Why? I didn't push anything out of me."
"It's the catheter, actually. It causes that." Stacy grabbed Scarlet when Tegan pulled her away from her chest. She kissed the head of the sleeping infant. "You have to go to the doctor and get a urine test done so that you can get a prescription. I can tell you what to take right now since we deal with this issue a lot at the hospital, but I don't want to do anything without a checkup."
"Yeah, we're going on Monday." Tegan hated the fact she had to shut Scarlet's cries by breastfeeding. She felt bad and couldn't handle watching her in tears. The bite marks were still there and they made her tear up again. She really hoped those wouldn't leave a permanent scar. She really didn't like Ella at that moment. "Your daughter needs therapy, Stacy."
"What?" Stacy asked loudly. "Tegan, she's a kid." No mother enjoyed her daughter being accused of something she didn't intend to do or didn't do.
"I know," Tegan said. "She thinks she's left out. She thinks I don't love her. She keeps asking me to love her as much as I love my kids."
"Okay? She's a bit jealous. I'm going to talk to her. She will be grounded." Tegan hadn't seen Stacy's tears…not that close anyway. She really did take that personally. "Doesn't mean she needs therapy."
"But she bit her," Tegan argued. "She hurt her."
"That's because she saw me biting Emy's neck today and when she asked I told her people sometimes bite each other when they're in love…I guess she's just expressing her love."
"That's fucking worse." Tegan huffed. "That's what I thought at first when she said it but I didn't really think it's true. God, Stacy, why are you doing that in front of your kid?"
"Doing what?" Stacy raised her voice a tad. "Loving my girlfriend?"
"She's seen you sucking Emy's tits for crying out loud. She told me about it today." Stacy rubbed her eyes and nodded. "She's seen things that she doesn't understand so can you please focus? This is not healthy for a child." Stacy thought the last person to speak about being healthy or not was Tegan. If anything, she needed therapy. If anything, she's the one who corrupted her kid when she first got together with Sara. Sara taught her the words, Sara had appeared half naked in front of the child, Sara told her about kissing and about love.
"I've never had sex in front of her. She's always asleep when we do it. I don't even leave the door open. I guess she sneaked in or something. I don't even remember." Lies, Tegan thought. "I'm going to talk to her because these things are natural and normal. Kids see things. Your girls will see things and will question them. She's at that age where she's wondering about the world."
"Well, give her the sex talk." Sara fucked up big time when she decided to mother a child with that young woman. She barely knew anything about kids. She barely knew how to handle things on her own. She was obviously fluctuating, lost, confused. She was blaming everything. She was finding excuses. She was restless…mentally restless. Stacy just felt bad for her.
"She's five. She won't understand this. Mentally, she's incapable of comprehending this." Tegan rolled her eyes. "If you're so interested, read about it. Do some research! I thought I'd give her the period talk at seven and the sex talk at eight. It's the perfect age. Plus, kids actually are easy if you just give them easy, simple answers. You don't have to complicate things. You don't have to sexualize things."
"How successful your explanation must have been that she had to perform the biting on my kid." Tegan took everything too personally and acted as if the five-year-old was her rival.
"Well excuse me for fucking up, because at first she thought I was hurting Emy like her father used to hurt me. I had to tell her it's about love and that I was just joking."
Tegan didn't respond. She reached for her daughter and took her away from Stacy with a sizeable frown on her face.
"Don't teach me how to parent, Tegan," Stacy warned as she stood up. "Kids are going to fight, are going to do bad things, are going to hurt each other. Don't take things personally just because they do so."
"I'm not teaching you how to parent. What the fuck!" Tegan exclaimed with all her thundering anger.
"Yes, you are," Stacy said. She wiped the tear that fell from her eye. "And it's because you're already upset and pissed and your emotions are mixed."
"That's…" Tegan attempted to respond.
"Let me tell you something," Stacy cut her off, "the first six months after birth are hell for the mother, so I understand everything you're going through and feeling, but please do not pretend you're fine just to appear strong, because that's where shit hits the fan."
"What the…"
Stacy grabbed her hand but she pulled them away quickly. "Come on. Let's get some dessert. Ella is probably losing it right now. She probably thinks you hate her."
"No, I don't." Tegan stood up with the whimpering baby in her arms.
"Then let's get out of here. Don't mope here alone. Try to stay away from empty spaces." Stacy didn't want to be harsh with Tegan because she was not only scared of Sara's wrath, but also in a place where she was able to understand Tegan's full concerns. What made her worry, however, was Sara's lack of attention to those matters. Sara was just living the life while Tegan was just sinking deeply inside it.
Ella cried the entire time her mother was with Tegan. She hugged Emy's body and cried while Sara tried to talk to her gently. She kept mouthing she was sorry, that she didn't mean to hurt the baby, that Tegan hated her. Sara regretted pushing her and screaming in her face. After all they were just kids playing. She was just a five-year-old child.
Sara, also, truly felt sorry about yelling at her wife like that. When Tegan and Stacy walked in the room again, Sara ran up to her to apologize. She kissed her and kissed the infant who resumed crying at the kiss. "It's fine, Sara." Tegan pushed away softly. No. It wasn't fine. Tegan had to forgive her. "Just give Scarlet some space. She's a bit scared."
Sara sat next to her wife and examined the bruise on the cheek of the baby. Ella was hiding her face in Emy's chest even though her mother was trying her best to get her to look at her.
"Scarlet has a scar," Sara mumbled in a sad tone. Tegan began to tear up again. "It's not going to leave a mark. Don't worry. No blood, no harm." Sara smiled at her wife. "I'm gonna put her next to her sister so she can feel safe, okay?" Nodded the other mother.
The babies were left in the chairs right where their mothers were sitting. Tegan decided to get up for a moment to talk to the sobbing child and make amends. She held her and made her look up. She kissed her cheeks and consoled her. "I don't hate you, Ella," Tegan sang softly. "I was just scared, honey." Ella nodded and cried. "Stop crying. I know you didn't mean to hurt her." She kissed her cheek again.
"I'm sorry." Ella jumped in Tegan's arms. "Can I tell her I'm sorry?"
"Sure." Tegan held her hand and walked her to the chairs, but Scarlet's screeching immediately played at the sight of Ella close to her. "It's fine. She's just scared right now. She's a baby, El. She thinks you hurt her on purpose."
"But I didn't," Ella cried. "I was loving her." Tegan glared at Stacy who sat there next to her girlfriend covered in crimson shame.
"I know but she doesn't understand that," Tegan explained again. "She's a very small baby, Ella. She doesn't understand anything." Ella nodded in defeat.
"I'm sorry, baby." Ella didn't even know which baby she had hurt.
"It's Soosie," Sara said. She picked up the kid and kissed her cheeks. "She'll forget about it next time you're here and you'll play with her again."
"Let's eat dessert please," Stacy interjected handing Emy the plates to give each one in the room. She began to slice the pie which Sara stared at with utter disgust apparent on her scrunched up face. "Yeah, I'm not gonna give you a slice," Stacy said. "You don't deserve to enjoy this."
"Yeah. I'll live." Sara walked up to the mini bar to fish for an alcoholic beverage that would soothe the nerves in her body and her wife's.
Before leaving, Stacy informed Sara about Tegan's situation to assure her that Tegan was alright but embarrassed. They hugged one another and departed. Sara cleaned up after them quickly and resigned to her bedroom where her wife and kids all were there on the mattress.
Tegan was softly stroking the injured cheek. Both Scarlet and Rose were wide awake and in full movement.
"She's alright?" Sara asked.
"Yeah."
Sara joined her wife on the bed and took a look at the scar. She tickled the babies and cooed to make them laugh. Scarlet laughed and moved. She also took a chunk of her hair to play with. "Yup, she's perfectly fine." Sara grinned at her smiling wife. "Evil Ella hurt your little cheek?" Sara talked in a funny baby tone. "She's an evil child, isn't she?" She kissed and tickled and laughed along with her kids. She made sure to kiss and play with both even though the attention was fully distributed to Scarlet.
"At least she got a good portion of boob milk out of it," Tegan said. She yawned and continued, "I had to feed her to shush her cries. She really just sucked like she hadn't been fed moments before the…incident."
"Yeah, she loves your tits way too much," Sara remarked. She sat up again and rested against the headboard. "Stacy told me about your situation."
"Huh?"
"The urinary tract infection. I mean she thinks it is. I guess, yes. I don't know why I haven't thought of it." Tegan nodded with curious thoughts trickling down her system.
"You've had that before?"
Sara didn't answer. She pushed her head back and made Tegan scowl at her stalling. "Umm…" Tegan couldn't get what was so mysterious about the question. Either a yes or a no. "I guess?"
"What the fuck?" Tegan hit her arm playfully. "Did you have that or not after birth?"
"Look, I don't know. I've had troubles with, umm, you know peeing a little in my underwear when I sneezed too strongly but…"
"Why didn't you tell me?" Sara shrugged. Another playful hit came that Sara laughed in response of. "You made me feel like it's something so fucking outrageous."
"I didn't," Sara defended herself. "In fact I told you a lot of women have this issue."
"Yeah. You didn't tell me you did."
"It wasn't that bad." Sara shrugged again. "I did the kegel exercises for awhile after so it really just disappeared."
Tegan had read about those or, perhaps, heard her mother mentioning them. She didn't know what to do with them but she was aware they would help her pelvic muscles. "I don't know how to do those."
"Oh, so easy. I'll teach you," Sara said. She yawned when Tegan did so. "I'm as sleepy as you are."
"Mmmm." Tegan thought she'd tell Sara to stay with the babies as she went to sleep. She was just exhausted. It was a long day. It was fucked up. But when Sara said she was sleepy, Tegan decided not to ask her. "Will you teach me the kegels now?" But if she was staying awake, Sara had to stay awake as well.
"Now?" Sara shook her head. "Nah. Tomorrow morning." Tegan sighed. "I'm too horny to do that now."
"What the…" Sara got up with a chuckle. She walked up to the bathroom and closed the door behind. Tegan hoped she wasn't going there to fuck herself. It was just so inappropriate and strange if she did so. They were talking. Would she do it?
Tegan followed. Sara was brushing her teeth. Tegan sighed in relief. "I gotta…" She pointed at the toilet. She had to find an excuse.
"You had to check if I was masturbating. It's fine." Tegan froze in her place with her pants and underwear down to her knees. Sara smirked, winked, and walked out of the bathroom.