"Six months of solitude…or one-hundred-eighty-two days…and a half…twenty-four weeks of isolation. Many hours and many sleepless nights. Loud cries and too many diapers to change. Headaches and tears. Life passing by. Six months of fragments…of loss…of loneliness.
"They told me the journey would be hard, but they didn't tell me I'd have to go through it alone. An absent partner is the same as a present one when you're the one feeding, playing, existing, crying, feeling, and worrying. Six months of developing a sixth sense that only you enjoy the sensation of. Six months of trying to become a better you so you can provide the best for them.
"Six months with two flowers to take care of. Six months to change—to develop an attachment so supernatural you feel like you are capable of doing everything. Six months to see the world from a different angle, to experience new desires, to taste special delights, to feel extraordinary and exceptional. Six months to wilt and wither so they could blossom. Six months of decaying and renewing.
"Day after the other I watched them shine. Where pain began to diminish, joy took place. The diapers I change, the bottles I prepare, the milk I pump, the baths I give, the kisses I provide, the love I offer, and the warmth I grant have all become some essential part of my six months of mourning the loss of freedom. I don't know what freedom is anymore because even during my free hours, my mind wanders back to the tiny humans that have been occupying it for the past six months.
"Six months ago you came into my life and just then I discovered the true meaning of loss. I've experienced loss every time I went to sleep and left you alone, every time I left the house and you weren't with me, every moment I was away from you. I realized that loss is the fear itself of losing someone. I realized that loss is a spiritual experience that I cherish. I also realized that loss is solitude itself and I've fallen in it by myself.
"Had I known my world would be flipped upside down, I wouldn't have taken the risk. I don't regret it, but I do mourn what I have become. However, I wouldn't change a thing. Six months of contradictions. Every month births more confusion. And I am in love with every puzzle I get to put while watching you grow within the months, the weeks, the days, and the hours. Maybe in six more months I would think my world has become distinctively better.
"Six months ago you were born. Six months ago I was not ready for the ship to sail. Six months ago I was afraid. Six months ago I wanted to escape. But when I saw your face for the first time, I cried because of the thoughts I'd had before. Six months later, I still cry because the thoughts are back again.
"Happy birthday, my Rose and my Scarlet. Happy birthday and forgive me for suffering. I know it's not your birthday, but you are six months old now and I am six years older with you. I love you despite my misery. Motherhood is beautiful but it's not sexy. Motherhood is lonely and empty. Motherhood is overwhelming and tiring. I love it, though. I love every second, minute, hour, day, week, and month of it. I love it and I love you."
"Six months of solitude have taught me how to love and what love really is. Six months ago I loved differently—simply. My love was shallow and it couldn't surpass the surface of desire and need. Six months of isolation have taught me the true sense of love each time I looked into your emerald eyes. Six months of falling gradually in love the way it's supposed to be. Six months of learning how to love my partner more and how to completely fall in love with you even when you keep me awake for two days straight. Six months have gone by and I look forward to six more despite the tears I've continuously shed those past six months."
"So," Tegan said after she had finished reading her piece of writing, "what do you guys think?"
Emy stared at her blankly as she deliberately chewed the skin of her lower lip. She was lying barefoot on Jeremy's grey couch. Her head rested on Jeremy's shoulder while her body occupied the rest of the couch squeezing Jeremy's in the left corner. Tegan sat on the opposite couch with legs crossed and phone in her hand as she patiently waited for their criticism and feedback.
"It's a beautiful piece of writing," Jeremy said. But? Tegan was unable to read the deadpan expressions on both of their faces. She'd told them to be honest and she wanted them to. It wasn't easy for her to show someone something she'd written but she wanted honest criticism that time before publishing whatever she was writing on her blog.
"Does Sara know about your feelings?" Emy asked. Jeremy agreed with a nod. Tegan shrugged. "Are you gonna show this to her?"
Tegan bit her lower lip for a moment then began abusing the piercing underneath. Her dentist had warned her against that labret piercing. It did not only ruin her teeth but the way she kept dragging the jewel made her cut herself and bleed. "I don't think so," she finally said. "This is for me…it's my thing…my special time alone and my…you know, my space." Both of her friends nodded. "She's the one who actually told me to write and publish so I joined this motherhood online group and now I have a blog and, well, this is like the first thing I've written."
"Have you published it?" Jeremy asked. Emy looked up at him then back at her best friend. Emy hadn't been feeling too well so she lay down on the couch and rested her head on Jeremy's offered shoulder. She did seem paler than ever to Tegan.
"In three days," Tegan answered. "They turn six months in three days." She sighed and put her legs down on the couch the way Emy had done then she rested her head against the arm of it. "That's why I'm asking for feedback."
"I actually love it," Emy said. She and Tegan exchanged eye contact from across the room. They smiled at one another. "It's just…I'm kinda worried you're feeling this way?"
"Yeah…me, too," agreed Jeremy. "It's like you're lost. Are you lost?"
Tegan chuckled. "Of course I am." She yawned. "It's not easy but it's fine. I'm handling it." She waited for more questions but then her thoughts took her to another maze of concern and she had to clarify what might have been misunderstood. "But Sara is helping, guys. I don't want you to think she's not. She's really great." Both nodded. "You've seen her, Em."
"Yeah," answered Emy. "That's why I'm worried she might see this and get…you know how sensitive she is."
They were right and she had thought about all of that before writing those words, but that's how she had been feeling for the past six months and she knew that her feelings were valid. She had to share those feelings with someone at least; otherwise she was going to explode.
"That's why I'm not showing it to her," she whispered and closed her eyes. "Those are just my thoughts and feelings. Like she has her own notebook where she writes everything down. I don't take a look at it. This is my journal, I guess."
"It's healthy," Jeremy stated. Emy looked up at him once again. "People should have an outlet of emotions somehow. Like, you let everything out on Twitter, Em."
"And you don't let anyone follow you nor discover your username," pointed out Tegan. Emy blushed at the confrontation she had to face. Twitter was her own journal. Her best friends did know her username and sometimes they stalked her if they wanted to make sure she was alright, but nobody else did.
"Stacy knows now," Emy revealed in a hushed tone. "She discovered it on her own." Laughed Tegan. "She didn't care."
"But you get what I mean," said Jeremy and Emy gave him a nod. "I guess it's nice she shared this with us."
"Yeah, it is," Emy said. "And, don't worry, I won't tell Stace," she promised.
"Thank you," Tegan mumbled. "Your opinions do matter to me, guys."
"I feel special," Jeremy joked. "God, I missed this."
Tegan had missed their hangouts, too. It had been too long since she was in a place where crying wasn't the loudest noise. When Jeremy suggested the gathering she begged Sara for two days to be with the kids so she could enjoy her time with her friends. Sara didn't mind it but she was skeptical about leaving two babies with her because she didn't think she would do a good job on her own. But Tegan argued that they were left with her almost every day and nothing happened. They eventually settled on a solution which made Sara babysit at Stacy's with Stacy by her side.
"We should do this more," Tegan found herself suggesting. It didn't hurt if Sara babysat weekly while she enjoyed her time with her friends. She wanted and needed it and she deserved it. "Every weakened?"
"I don't see why not," started Jeremy, "but sometimes Den and I go out on Friday nights and usually on Saturdays we visit her family…" Tegan nodded. "But we'll make it work."
"I can't every weekend as well because date night with Stace," Emy said. During those date nights she and Sara were stuck babysitting Ella. Everybody had a date night except her and her wife. She missed those. She just wanted to have that life with her wife. She was so sick of sitting at home. "But I'd love for us to, like, go out and go to the bar again and all."
"Me, too," said Jeremy. "How are you and Stacy, by the way?"
"We're great." Emy's yawn was accompanied by a huge grin. "I've never had so much sex in my life." Tegan shook her head with laughter. "Seriously, guys, she's crazy…like, fucking crazy in bed."
"I really don't wanna know that," Tegan said playfully. But it was true. She really didn't want to know anything about Stacy's sex life or techniques.
"I've heard women in their late thirties and early forties have this crazy libido," Jeremy shared. Emy nodded quickly as she beamed. Her pale face had become rubicund with either excitement or bashfulness. "You two are lucky," Jeremy told his two friends. Tegan couldn't help but chuckle. It was too sarcastic and too sad not to be noticed.
She could see how Emy nudged their guy friend's arm and she witnessed the look he was given by her best friend. Pity wasn't what she desired to receive. She cleared her throat to get their attention back at her. "It's not her, guys." Tegan closed her eyes and smiled to herself. "She's actually pretty…normal." Sharing her sex life was something she had always avoided around her friends, but she had to clear their confusion because everyone assumed Sara was some old hermit who wasn't able to have sex at all due to her past illness. "It's me," she eventually said.
"Oh…" Jeremy seemed confused. Emy, too. Her sex drive had been the best it could ever get when she fucked both of them in the past.
"Is it about the…leaking?" whispered Emy. "Aren't the kegels working?" At that time Tegan truly didn't want to face Jeremy. When their eyes met, he seemed so shocked and embarrassed for her. "Why are you guys so awkward?" Emy must have noticed it.
"It's awkward for me," Tegan said. She sat up again and decided to face her friends. Both of them had slept with her and both of them knew her too well. Both of them were closer to her than any other person other than Sara. "I'm not leaking anymore."
"I'm sorry, I'm confused," Jeremy announced loudly. "Leaking what?"
"Piss," whispered Emy with a hiss at the end. "It happens to women after birth. But I swear to God I read that it happens to women who give birth vaginally."
"Well, I had a UTI because of the catheter." Jeremy's eyes squinted in confusion. "Urinary tract infection." He nodded after her clarification. "Anyway, I kinda…when I was in labor I kept pushing…I pushed way too much before the surgery was done so…it kinda fucked a few things up for me."
"Damn," Emy said. She sat up a little bit. "Good thing they didn't just slip out of you."
"Apparently they were too big to be pushed out of me," Tegan explained awkwardly. "Anyway, it's not bad. I mean it's been good lately but…it's not like it used to because they're always crying and I'm always worried they'll wake up."
Her best friends stared at her blankly. Emy's full lips were pursed while Tegan just had a straight face with a ruddy complexion.
"I scarred you, didn't I?"
"I'm not having kids," declared Emy. "Thank God I'm with a woman who already has a kid." She got up. "I'll use the bathroom," she announced with a yawn. Both of her friends scanned her body as she began to wobble slowly towards the bathroom.
"Are you okay?" asked Tegan. Her steps were not only slow, but also unbalanced. She almost stumbled and fell.
"Yeah. I'm just dizzy," Emy said. "I got up too quickly." But she didn't, because Tegan knew what getting up too quickly when you had iron deficiency was like.
Tegan wished Emy hadn't left her alone with Jeremy. It had been too long since she was alone with him in the same room. The silence was loud and angry. It was that type of silence that made both of them wish they would just leave the place. Staring at the foggy window wasn't a good option. Staring back at him wasn't either. Staring at the muted television was a way to avoid him, but it was obvious.
Plus, what was there to talk about, anyway? They didn't have anything in common anymore. At least with Emy they had their partners to gossip about. At least they shared some common interests. With Jeremy she just shared a past that both of them seemed to have forgotten about. And Jeremy was just not the same anymore. He avoided her. When she talked about breastfeeding, he looked elsewhere. When she talked about Sara, he mentioned his girlfriend. When she talked about her kids, he either gave a word or two or just shrugged.
It's like she didn't know anybody anymore. Nobody knew her, too. They didn't bother getting closer to her. She'd lost her life and her friends. That's how it seemed to her. They were still there, but she wasn't.
"What was that?" Jeremy asked all of a sudden. She averted her gaze, which had been focused on the screen, back to Jeremy's worried face. "Did you hear that?"
"No?" She had been too lost in her thoughts to hear anything. When Tegan was consumed by her thoughts, the outer world didn't matter anymore. She just disappeared into a dark abyss that existed in the back of her mind. Sara called it "the box" when she explained how often disassociated from the outer world her wife was.
"I'm sure I heard some thud coming from the bathroom." Jeremy stood up. "Em?" he called loudly. She had to get up and follow. "Are you okay in there?" She walked behind her friend until they were standing outside the closed door of the bathroom. "Em?" Jeremy called again.
"Emy?" Tegan tried. "Em, did something happen?"
"She's not answering," panicking, Jeremy stated the obvious.
"Maybe she fainted?" Tegan put her hand on the knob. "I'll try to go in and if the door is locked, we have to break it." Jeremy nodded and stepped aside.
Luckily, the door opened quickly. Tegan peeked inside to make sure her friend was decent. She gasped when she found her on the bathroom's floor with her head in her arms against the shower ledge. She entered and left the door open for Jeremy to follow.
"Emy," they both called simultaneously.
Tegan knelt down to take a look at her. "Emy, can you hear me?" She shook her unconscious friend, growing nervous each second she waited for a response. "Jeremy, get me water quickly," she said breathlessly. "Emy, wake up." She shook her again. "Em, honey, wake up." She turned on the faucet and scooped water in her palms to wash the ghostly face of the unconscious woman.
When a groan escaped Emy's pale lips, Tegan released her caged breath. She continued wetting Emy's face until the brunette began to regain full consciousness of her surroundings. "Em?" Tegan called again.
Jeremy returned with a glass of water in his hand. Tegan grabbed it and helped her friend sip a little bit. Jeremy sat on the ground and supported the weak body. Tegan mumbled a thank you as they watched their friend drink the water in Tegan's hand.
"Did you faint?" Tegan asked and Emy nodded. "What happened?"
"I don't know," she whispered. "I guess I'm tired." She chuckled.
"Did you have anything to eat today?" Jeremy questioned. Tegan did remember Emy telling her she hadn't any time to eat since the morning before going to work. After work she had to go to college, and after that they went to Jeremy's place. Tegan had had dinner with Sara at their place but Emy hadn't had time to have dinner.
"I don't think she did," Tegan answered for her.
"I'll pick her up to get her to the living room." Tegan nodded and gave her friend some space. She had always been the one who fainted everywhere. She hadn't been at the other end. It felt strange to watch her strong-bodied best friend look that weak and lethargic. She must have been dealing with so much stress. Maybe she should call Stacy to inform her about that.
"I wanna go home," Emy stated as if she was a child begging their mother to take them back home. Her eyes were grey with tears. Her yellow face just looked frightening.
"I'll call Stacy." Tegan had already held the phone before Emy's request.
"How did you guys come here?" Jeremy inquired.
"Uber," answered Tegan.
"I'll drive you back. Don't call…" But Tegan had already dialed up the number.
"Too late," she mouthed.
"It's fine. I'll drive you back…"
"Hi, Stacy," Tegan said quickly. "What? No. I'm fine. Nothing's wrong…" She rolled her eyes and waited while her friends watched her. "Stacy, I just called because…" Emy couldn't tell what was being said on the other end, but her girlfriend clearly wouldn't stop talking. "Ugh…fuck, tell her I'm fine. It's Emy. She fainted," Tegan shouted.
They looked at each other for a moment but Emy's head hurt badly so she closed her eyes. It must be where she had fallen and hit her head. It was the left corner, right above her eye. She felt like the room was spinning even when she was lying down.
"No, she's fine right now. Jeremy's gonna drive us home." Emy looked up at Jeremy who was holding her hand. She smiled at him and he smiled back. "Just prepare something for her to eat because it looks like she's only had some alcohol in her system."
Jeremy helped her get up slowly but the fuzzy feeling returned. She closed her eyes immediately and took deep breaths. Tegan's expressions seemed concerned. "Don't panic. She's fine," Tegan mouthed despite the look on her face.
She lay in the backseat of Jeremy's car. Her head rested on Tegan's lap and her hair was stroked soothingly. She breathed in and out as the palpitations in her heart increased. Tegan told her she definitely had iron deficiency because those were the same symptoms she often faced.
The ride wasn't long, but it did feel like it. Tegan missed her babies and she also wanted to go to the bathroom badly. She'd had different plans in mind. She thought she would get back home at nine maybe. She would breastfeed her kids and then put them to sleep so she could have some time to spend with Sara. She couldn't get her mind off the time they had shared two days before. Sara showed her love in exciting ways that she had longed for dearly. They had already had sex a couple of times since she healed, but on that Wednesday Sara surprised her upon arrival from work by throwing her on the kitchen's floor and burying her head between her thighs. She ate her out and made her cum then fingered her until she screamed with pleasure. She wanted it again, but she wasn't sure about Sara's state of mind. She wasn't sure when they would be back home. Yes, it was still eight but they might have to spend some time at Stacy's. She had to make sure her friend was alright.
Though Jeremy insisted he'd pick Emy up to get her to the apartment, she refused. Emy had always been hard-headed and an enemy to pity or care. Tegan never saw her complain about a single thing. Even when she was in pain she hid it for too long until she exploded. Stacy suffered with that notion as well. She had asked Tegan about it a couple of times.
Emy was the opposite of Tegan and too much attention was the worst thing she could receive. Everyone around Stacy required full, undivided attention—Ella, Sara, and even Tegan. But Emy just wanted to stop that given attention especially when it shifted to a motherly type of care. She had expressed she didn't have the type of mother who would nurse her when sick, hold her when sad, and comfort her when she's in need. Her mother was very young when she gave birth to her so both of them were somehow raised by her grandmother. When her brother was born, her mother was more mature and more aware of a baby's needs, but she still lacked what it took to be the caring mother she could clearly see on Stacy. With her mother being pregnant, she wondered if she would finally learn how to allow her kid to receive emotions and accept them. She hoped the new baby would be able to express the need for rest, the desire for love, the feelings she, herself, had locked inside.
She often assumed that the reason she had missed so many opportunities was her inability to voice her needs. When she was in love with Tegan, she couldn't tell her at all. When she was hurt and misunderstood, she couldn't express her emotions. She did confide in Jeremy, but he didn't understand her much due to the difference in experiences. However, after Stacy had entered her life, everything changed. Though the motherly affection suffocated her, she still found herself realized and wanted all the time. Stacy pushed her to move and achieve. Stacy asked her about her day and her feelings. If she was in pain, she gave her painkillers and made sure she was alright. If she was in a bad mood, she tried to make her laugh. If she was angry, she calmed her down. If she was upset, she allowed her to cry and comforted her pain.
However, she didn't want to be carried like Snow White back into her apartment. It was too embarrassing for her. Too much attention. Too many eyes. Too many worried faces and voices. So Tegan supported her body from one side while Jeremy did from the other as they got her inside. Stacy got her from there with careworn touches and worried questions which she tried to answer despite her foggy vision. Once she was in her bed, she closed her eyes and blocked the voices around.
"Thank you, Jeremy," Stacy said and Sara smiled at him. "Do you want me to prepare you a plate? I have enough for everyone." She took a look at Tegan who was on the mattress next to Emy, feeling her forehead.
"No, I'm fine. I better go. She needs to rest." Tegan was aware he felt too awkward with many women in the room and the whiny babies and confused Ella.
Sara was holding Rose while Scarlet was placed on the mattress next to her mother's seated form. The moment she'd seen her, she began cooing and whimpering for food.
Sara walked him to the door while Stacy remained with her lover in the room. She began taking her shoes off for her while asking a few questions to the friend. "Did you just find her there?"
"Yeah. I think she hit her head, so you better check that." Emy nodded at Tegan's statement. "You did?"
Emy pointed at the corner of her head. Tegan hissed at the bruise beneath her hair. When she touched it, Emy screamed. The baby in the room began to cry.
"Does it hurt that much?" Stacy asked worriedly.
Tegan picked up her child and rocked her a little bit. When Sara came in, she sat beside her with Rose sucking her thumb happily.
While Stacy was checking the bruise, Tegan whispered to her wife, "Did you feed them?"
"Yeah. But you know how this one gets." Sara pointed at Scarlet.
"I'm gonna feed her. She won't shut up." Both of them weren't crazy about nursing in front of a crowd. Tegan had been trying to avoid doing it even around Ella because the child noticed every detail those days. However, the baby wouldn't stop crying. Her face was too red and her cries were too loud.
While Stacy left the room to get the sphygmomanometer, Ella managed to squeeze herself between Emy and Tegan to hold her mother's partner tightly as she rested on the mattress. "I love you, Emy," she whispered and kissed her cheek. "Please don't be sick."
Sara and Tegan exchanged a look of awe and wonder then both laughed a little when they saw Stacy standing there with teary eyes.
"Okay, Elle, get up," Stacy ordered. Tegan shifted her body a little bit to give Emy some room to breathe because the five-year-old girl was suffocating her. She decided to sit on the chair by the window to feed sobbing Scarlet.
While Stacy began to measure her partner's blood pressure, Tegan took the chance to lift her black top up and remove the cup of the nursing bra to get her baby to quiet down. The noise was immediately gone and every face in the room quickly looked at her for a second until Sara spoke to get their attention back.
"Shit," Sara uttered from her place on the mattress. "This is really bad."
"Yeah," Stacy mouthed worriedly. "Why didn't you eat anything?"
"I didn't have time," Emy answered. "I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize." Stacy picked Ella up and put her down on the floor. "Ella, give Emy some room to breathe and stop moving on the bed." Ella glared at her mother and walked towards Tegan's figure. She sat on the other chair and folded her arms against her chest with a sizable scowl.
"It's probably iron deficiency, but I think you should check if something is wrong," Sara advised.
"I'm gonna get you dinner and after that I'll monitor your blood pressure again." Sara got up and motioned for Tegan to get up, too. "Where are you guys going?"
"We're leaving," Sara said. "She should rest." Sara walked closer to her best friend and whispered, "Pay attention to your daughter. Don't make her feel left out." Stacy nodded as she took one glance at raging Ella in the back of the room.
The couple said their goodbyes to Emy and Stacy, wishing Emy well, then left with one last wish to inform them of Emy's state if something happened.
Even after insisting, Emy still didn't let Stacy feed her in bed. "I'm not a little girl," Emy argued.
No, she wasn't. But so what if she fed her when she felt tired? She had often seen Sara and Tegan feeding each other. Their relationship and dynamics were different, but a little care wouldn't do any harm.
"I want you to rest," whispered the older woman. "I'm worried about you."
"It's just low blood pressure." Emy shrugged. "I know you're a nurse, but you don't have to nurse me back to health." Stacy nodded quietly.
Emy ate silently while Stacy occupied herself with her daughter's needs. She didn't leave the room unless she had to. When Emy finished her food, she excused herself to the bathroom. After few minutes, when Emy wasn't back in the room, Stacy barged in on her to make sure she was alright.
"What the hell?" screamed Emy.
"I'm just checking," Stacy said. She took a look at her girlfriend seated on the toilet then smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry." The only response Emy gave was a sheepish nod. When she was back in the room, Stacy monitored her blood pressure again.
"Is it still bad?"
"Very," whispered the concerned woman. "You need vitamins."
"Oh…" Emy sighed. "Can you get me my pajamas?"
"Sure." Smiled the older woman.
Ella climbed up on the bed again. She looked at Emy with dilated blue orbs until Emy's arms were widely open for her to sit inside. The child put her head against the older woman's chest and closed her eyes.
"I want you to feel better," she mumbled and received a soft kiss on her head.
"I'm gonna feel so much better just because you're here with me," Emy told the little girl.
Stacy was smiling the whole time the interaction was happening. She handed her partner her pajama shorts and top then sat on her side of the bed with a loud sigh. Ella changed her position allowing her mother's girlfriend to change her clothes. Her mother held her closely and played with her hair.
Sara was ordered to put the girls to sleep when the couple arrived home. After feeding Rose, Tegan hid in the bedroom and left her wife in the nursery with the babies.
Since they were full, putting them to sleep wasn't hard, but the problem was Scarlet just didn't want to be put down in her crib. While Rose was beginning to snooze peacefully, Scarlet continued playing with her mother's face. Sara decided to climb up inside the crib with her to put her to sleep and the idea worked because the baby didn't cry once she realized her mother was next to her. Her coos and giggles continued a little while longer as Sara tickled her small tummy, kissed her nose a couple times, and made funny faces and voices. Eventually, Scarlet succumbed while sucking on her mother's hand. Sara waited a little bit, kissed her, and quietly left the mattress.
Back in the room, Tegan had watched the entire process through the monitor. She filmed a little bit and sent it to Sara's mother. The response was quick and full of laughing emojis.
"I can't believe a six-month-old baby is controlling you, babe," Tegan announced the moment Sara entered the room.
First, Sara furrowed her brows, but then she laughed amusingly. "You saw what I did."
"Your mum did, too." Tegan winked. Sara furrowed her brows as she walked to her bed. "I had to film it and send it to her."
"What did she says?"
"Like mother, like daughter with laughing emojis." Tegan wiggled her eyebrows.
"Yeah, because you wanna convince me Sonia never really slept next to you when you were a baby. I've seen the pictures, Tee." Sara winked and Tegan laughed heartily.
"Okay…umm…look." Tegan got up and turned around in her evening attire. "I'm proud of my body," she said with a huge grin. The boyfriend-cut dark blue jeans and the tight black high neck top she had been wearing accentuated all the right curves in her body. With the top tucked inside her pants and the black belt giving her outfit the accessory it needed, Tegan looked exactly the same the day Sara had seen her in the bar for the first time; the day she had fallen in love with her. It really didn't help that her hair was newly cut and dyed back to the color of her choice. When she got back from work on Wednesday and saw the changes, she couldn't help but fuck her right there in the kitchen. She went down on her then fingered her until she came.
She hadn't taken a focused look at her before leaving the house because she was getting the girls dressed when Tegan was getting dressed. Once she was done changing for them, her wife had worn her coat and was waiting for her by the door.
But, at that moment, with Tegan modeling for her, she truly wished for nothing but to show her the love she was holding inside.
"I'm proud of your body, too," Sara announced. She was completely and utterly tranced by Tegan's movements as she stood in front of the long mirror to check the shape of her legs. "You look seriously hot in this."
"Gives me Buffy vibes." Sara snorted. "Like, I'm about to slay you in bed type of vibes then, like, suck your blood."
Sara raised an eyebrow. "I thought Buffy wasn't a vampire?" Tegan had asked her to watch the show, but she still didn't do it. She could barely go through Gilmore Girls at the beginning. Buffy was just not an option, however.
"Well, yeah, but, like, you know what I mean?" Sara licked her lower lip and scanned the swaying body before her eyes. "You like my ass?"
"Are you trying to turn me on?" Tegan giggled with a nod. It was cute. Adorable. Fucking beautiful.
"You know I'm always turned on for you," Sara said in her intentional husky octave.
The plan worked, thought Tegan. She used her knees to move towards Sara's relaxed form on the mattress. Once they faced each other, her wife placed both hands on her hips while she bit her lower lip sensually. Sara was eyeing the piercing down beneath her lips and she knew too well Sara was hit with flashbacks of their university years when she used to turn her lover on doing those little tricks outside of class, when she used to wear those tight tops. She wanted Sara to understand, despite everything, she was still there.
Perhaps she wanted to remind herself of that as well. When she gave herself a haircut and dyed her hair at home, she felt so much better. She decided to shave and moisturize as well. She put a mask on her face and plucked her eyebrows and the hair above her lips. It did take a long time to get things done since the babies had to be present through each process, but after she was done, she felt a little bit alive again, as if her old self had been restored.
Sara had noticed it, too. That's why she fucked her on the kitchen floor after all. It did mean a lot to her that her wife did notice it and did appreciate it. Though Sara was always turned on by everything she presented and in every state she presented it, it was just special to see Sara's glassy eyes growing warmer and softer when she had offered her new look to her wife.
The sex was beautiful that night. She told her wife she wanted to be fucked with the pink phallus and Sara didn't say no. The toy was lubed well and she was too horny to even worry about anything. Eventually, her screams were too loud and Sara's mouth was such a tease.
"You're gonna wake them up," Sara said while thrusting. Tegan didn't care. Her back was arched and her legs were widely spread as she was trying to hit her orgasm.
"It's…ahhh…fuck…" She took a deep breath then attempted speaking as well but Sara's thumb against her clit and the rotation of her hips made Tegan go dizzy. "It's too much," she screeched. "Jesus Christ, Sara." She lifted her body up more and began playing with her nipples despite the pain which she kicked away with pleasure. Her stomach cramped due to the growing feeling. The closer the feeling was, the tighter her eyes were shut and the stronger the pressure became as Sara pushed. One loud scream left her lips when she finally came. Her legs fell down and her back did, too. She began to wheeze softly and laugh a little bit.
Sara pulled out and unstrapped herself. She stayed there in front of her wife's opened legs and began to fuck herself. Tegan watched it with hooded eyes for a few minutes until Sara got herself to orgasm.
"As much as I love you topping me, I love topping you way more," Sara said when her body collided next to her wife's.
"That's because you're a top," Tegan said breathlessly, "and I'm a pillow princess."
"Oh, you're admitting it now."
Tegan nodded with a grin. Sara took a look at her breasts when she noticed the white liquid covering it. "That's my thing now. I'm owning it." She looked down where Sara's eyes were to check what Sara was staring at. "Oh, man, I made a mess."
"You were squeezing your breasts and playing with your nipples." Sara chuckled. Maybe it was time for her to stop breastfeeding. Sara really wanted to mention that, but she knew if she said anything Tegan would just do the opposite. Even though Tegan had said she was going to stop breastfeeding at six months, it didn't really happen. She didn't look ready to stop anyway. Sara didn't say anything, but she knew breastfeeding older kids required too much time and effort and she also knew that Tegan was losing the pregnancy weight due to breastfeeding. She definitely didn't want her to lose more weight so she could still look and be healthy.
"Sas?" Tegan said as she wiped the milk off her chest with wipes she'd found in the drawer of her nightstand.
"Mhm?" Sara looked up at her.
"I wanna go on a date with you," she said with a bitten lower lip.
"Oh, wanna take me out?" Sara winked.
"Like old times? I wanna go out with you like a couple. I miss that."
"Alright. Why not?" Sara shrugged. "We can get Laney to watch the girls while we enjoy a nice evening out."
But Tegan didn't want the babysitter to watch her kids for about two hours while she went out with Sara to some restaurant then got back home to the same environment she'd been locked inside of for the past six months. She wanted an entire day for her and Sara free from tears and screams and diapers and drooling.
"Why the frown?" Sara had noticed her expression and asked about it.
"I…" She huffed and sat up a little bit. When Sara's eyes shifted down to her breasts again, she grabbed the sheets and covered herself. "Remember our Sunday routine?" She dragged the labret piercing and blushed furiously when Sara's brows were raised with a wicked smirk appearing on her face.
"The Sex Sundays you mean." She nodded quickly. "You want to have crazy sex Sundays like we did a few years ago." She nodded again with a little giggle. "Oh, Teetee." Sara shifted her body closer and lifted her wife's face with one finger. "You wanna be fucked real bad, don't you?"
"Mmmmm," it was a moan. No it was an answer. A whiny one. A moan. Just a moan because she was turned on again. "I mean I'm finally healed and can have good sex and I truly wanna feel alive and healthy again. I just want a nice day out with you where we can, like, have some lunch and then do something fun. Like just us. Then we'll get back home and have sex for, like, five times or something until I can't move anymore."
"And how do you plan doing that with Ms. Poop and Ms. Boob around?" Ms. Poop was Rose because she always had either constipation or diarrhea. Ms. Boob was Scarlet for obvious reasons.
"First of all, I said don't call them that please." Sara chuckled with a nod. "And, second of all, there's Stacy and she should babysit them the rest of the day after Laney. Like we can call Laney this Sunday for about, like, three hours. Then Stacy should get it from there." Sara was nodding the whole time and didn't say a word so it gave Tegan the chance to continue, "Like, it's not fair we basically spend most of our weekends babysitting Ella. We, too, deserve a weekend for ourselves. I deserve to feel like a human being."
Sara hadn't known Tegan's struggle was that serious until the last phrase was said. She said it with a strong, loud voice while her eyes blazed for some type of release. Of course everything her wife had uttered made absolute sense to her and she was right. The only difference was Ella wasn't as small as her kids and didn't require as much attention as them. Not only that, but Ella was one person not two like her girls.
"You want it this Sunday?" Tegan nodded quickly. "What about Emy's health? She might not be alright and…"
"We'll see tomorrow when we visit them. If she's okay, please talk to Stacy about it. I want it."
"Fair enough." Sara had to converse with her best friend on her own without the presence of anybody around. Stacy would do anything asked of her, but she was a little bit doubtful about the whole day away from the twins. She still conceded to Tegan's will. Anything to make her feel happier and better about herself.
After all, it was all her idea to have babies with Tegan and she was going to pay the price all her life.
The twins woke up when Tegan was washing up in the bathroom. She cursed herself and mumbled incoherent nonsense as she walked around in the room when she heard the loud crying from the monitor. Sara fell asleep right after the sex because she'd had a long day at work while Tegan had just stayed at home. As if she didn't have too many things on her plate with the babies around. But at least Sara was listening to her needs so that was acceptable. At least she tried to make her happy. She tried her best and Tegan appreciated it.
Stacy was going to bake her famous chicken pot pie and Tegan's stomach shot fireworks just at the thought of it. When she woke up, Sara was taking care of the dessert with Scarlet moving wildly in her baby bouncer attached to the kitchen's doorway.
"Whoa, baby," Tegan said with a titter as she tried to walk in and was almost thrown across the room with her daughter's high jump. "You're so active." Tegan showered her face with kisses as the infant giggled and squealed, moving both hands with clutched fists towards her mother. "You want boobie milk?" Tegan asked the baby as she tickled her. "You're so cute when you're calm I just wanna eat your whole face." Tegan began to unstrap her slowly while Sara stared with admiration. "Where is her sister?"
"Still asleep." Sara pointed at the monitor in her room. "Your breakfast is ready, babe."
Tegan walked up to the kitchen table and sat with a yawn. It made Scarlet giggle so Tegan smiled at her. After that, Scarlet yawned, too. It made Tegan giggle then. "Here's some boobie, my little teddy bear," she said while lifting her t-shirt up to reveal her braless chest. "They're not sleeping and waking up at the same time anymore."
"They're growing up," Sara said.
"What are you making?"
"Since it's pie day, I decided to go with banoffee." Tegan's stomach growled for the third time of the day. The first time was when she read the text message Stacy had sent first thing in the early morning. It was about seven or so. Sara told her to go back to sleep when Scarlet began to cry. She woke up at ten with Scarlet still awake but her sister wasn't. It was probably due to the fact that Rose woke up at five in need for a change and food while Scarlet didn't. It took Rose about an hour and a half to doze off again.
"Oh, my God, I love you," Tegan said as she began chewing her food. "This is gonna be a good food day. Right, Soosie?" The infant was too immersed in her meal to even react to Tegan's playful voices. "So, I have some cramps and I swear to God, Sara, if I get my period and not have the day I want tomorrow I'll be really upset. I will cry."
Sara couldn't help but laugh loudly and hold her stomach. The laughter was too loud that Scarlet had to stop nursing and sit up to look at her mother in confusion.
"Not funny," Tegan said. "I really wanna have a day off from the kids."
"Oh, babe. Are you sure it's not the lack of sex you'll be getting which is upsetting you?"
"Both," mumbled the younger woman as she took a bite of her bacon.
"Well, it's about time you menstruate again. Your hormones should be all fixed now." Tegan sighed.
They prepared the bouncy chairs for their kids to go since the babies had been too active lately. Rose could manage to roll herself on her stomach and sometimes even glide her body against the floor but Scarlet still struggled. However, their activity caused them to wrestle with each other way too much when they were close to one another or seated against a couch. Therefore, the mothers had to get the bouncy chairs so they could ease off some energy while watching some cartoons or listening to some music. Sara had suggested getting them walkers but Tegan objected because she had read they were bad and they might hinder a child's walking or crawling development. In Sara's defense, every baby she knew, including herself and Tegan when they were babies, used the walker and managed to crawl and walk normally.
When the door was opened to Stacy's place, the woman put her index finger against her lips and shushed the talking couple. "Emy's on the phone with her mother. They're face-timing," she whispered and took the pie from Sara's hand. "Actually, her mum is in labor and her dad is recording it. It's a mess." Stacy's hair was up in her casual bun while her face was fresh of makeup. Her maroon apron was on while the sleeves of her mustard dress were pulled up.
"How is she?" Tegan whispered at the door. "She didn't pick up my calls."
"Yeah, her mum has been in labor for three hours and, my God, she's crazy." Tegan giggled and Stacy shushed her. Tegan couldn't see what all the fuss was about. They were in the corridor while Emy's voice came from the living room. It's not like Beth didn't know her anyway. "I got her back from the hospital this morning. They gave her some vitamins and some iron shots."
"Told you," Sara said to her wife. "It's like a trend with y'all being iron deficient." Her wife rolled her eyes with a snort.
"Don't tell me Ella's there witnessing Beth's labor, please," Tegan said.
"No, she's at my neighbor's house. They have a girl her age." Great. Tegan could finally sit without the child squeezing herself close or following her everywhere. "Anyway, I can't be there because they don't know I exist and she lied to her parents and said she's at Jeremy's. You can go there if you want. They probably know you."
Tegan hummed with a nod. "Yeah, you see, Beth hates my fucking guts because of what I've done to Emy?" She flushed embarrassingly as she stared at her wife. Rose sneezed against her mother's chest in the carrier. "Bless you," Tegan said.
"Yeah," Stacy said with a smirk, "Emy told me." Sara didn't know why she was smirking. She was probably going to be hated and despised, too. "But, like, isn't Emy happier now? Much happier?" emphasized Stacy with a raised brow. "Like, her mother can see that."
"Her mother doesn't know her daughter is with a woman her own age, Stacy," said Tegan.
"Guys, are we gonna stand right here? This baby covered me in spit." Both women looked at the baby sucking at her mother's upper chest while she faced her in the carrier.
"I know this is Scarlet because she's searching for tits," Stacy said.
"Good job," Sara said sarcastically. "Now let's find a place to put their chairs."
"Put them in the living room. I wanna sit there with Em," Tegan said. "Her mother is crazy anyway so it doesn't matter whatever she says."
Emy waved at her best friend excitedly and patted the place next to her on the couch. Tegan could hear the heavy breathing coming from Emy's phone. Sara mouthed a hello and helped her wife putting the chairs silently even though the babies made some noises.
"Can I switch on the television?" Sara whispered and Emy nodded. "I'll mute it. I just want them to watch something as they continue their…" Sara paused when the woman from Emy's phone asked about who was talking.
"That's Tegan and her babies, mum," Emy said. She didn't mention Sara.
"Hey, Beth," Tegan said as she looked into the camera. "Holy shit," she screamed at the scenery of her mother on the hospital bed looking her absolute worst.
"What are you so shocked about? I'd like to see how you looked when you pushed two babies out of your cunt." Beth scolded as she squeezed and breathed in and out.
"I'm sorry, Beth." Tegan couldn't help but laugh watching her friend grow embarrassed and awkward as Stacy and Sara stood far away hearing the conversation. "I had a c-section and I wasn't awake so I don't remember."
"Ugh, shut up," screamed Beth. Emy motioned for her partner and Tegan's partner to leave and they walked away with horrified smiles. "Who are you waving at?" asked the mother. "Fucking hell, Sam, why did we decide on another baby?" Emy's father was just sitting there and chilling like he hadn't a care in the world. He just shrugged as his wife screamed.
"I was waving at Jeremy. I was kicking him away to the kitchen so he wouldn't hear this."
"Ugh," cried the mother. "This is painful."
"Why didn't you take an epidural?" Tegan asked.
"Because I'm just so fucking lucky, that's why," the moment she shouted that, Tegan's girls giggled loudly either at her reaction or whatever was on the TV. They were bouncing highly and wildly in their chairs and Emy was smiling as she stared at them. "Are those the babies?"
"Yeah." Emy flipped the camera to show them. "Look how cute," she said.
"Mine will be cuter," Emy's mother competed. A child…a fucking child, Emy thought.
By the time the mother was ready to start pushing, Emy's father had decided to stop filming. Emy had to wait with a beating chest to receive the call that her mother was alright.
After the excitement was over, both babies fell asleep so the friends decided to leave them there and walk to the kitchen where their partners had been sharing a warm conversation and some alcohol while they cooked together.
"Did she give birth?" Stacy asked as she stirred the white sauce on the stove.
"She is right now," Emy said with a bitten lip. She took a chair opposite from Sara's and sat down. Tegan had gone to the bathroom.
"You're worried," Sara remarked as she chopped the vegetables for the salad.
"I am," Emy said. "Also, I'm sorry about everything you guys heard. She couldn't take the epidural because she's allergic to it," she added.
"I'm just glad you haven't seen my state in labor," Stacy said. "Remember?" She turned around to take a look at her best friend who was grinning mischievously.
"I'm still scarred for life," Sara said. She winked at her best friend.
"I started my fucking period," Tegan screamed as she walked to the kitchen. "I fucking started," she said with face so red she could almost cry. "I hate my luck." All eyes were wide open and the smiles were toothless and shocked.
"Is this because of…," Stacy asked and Sara nodded. Tegan had started crying. "You're crying because…." Stacy mumbled a shocked wow while Emy looked confusedly at everyone.
"And Stacy agreed?" Tegan asked. Sara nodded apologetically. "My fucking luck." She sat down on the chair next to Emy's and buried her face in her hands. "Worst timing ever."
"There are tampons and pads by the way," Stacy stated as she laughed.
"No, shit. You think I'm just free bleeding on your white kitchen chairs?" Tegan retorted sarcastically.
"I don't get it," Emy whispered.
Stacy stood behind her and put both hands on her shoulders. "They wanted to have a date night tomorrow and asked me to babysit but she got her period."
"Okay, so what?" Emy asked with furrowed brows. Stacy chuckled amusingly. "Ohhhh…that date night."
"Yeah, Sex Sundays," Stacy said causing Sara's ears to grow beet red. She got back to the stove to grab the pot with the sauce. "People usually go to church on Sundays but my friends have an all sex day on Sundays."
Emy snorted and received an elbow kick on her arm. "Ouch! Tee, just go on a date and make out a bit." The three women looked at her with deadpan blank faces as if she had uttered the most absurd thing ever. "Oh, right…I forgot you die the first two days." Sara sighed as she recalled having to deal with Tegan's moods again.
"Damn, though, how many bleeding vaginas do we have here," Stacy remarked. "Emy started last night and I did this morning."
"You're all syncing," Sara stated with a grin. "I'm literally imagining in few years with all of you and all the girls just bleeding all around me together and I have to deal with everyone's mood swings."
Stacy put the pie in the oven then licked the sauce on her finger as she imagined it, too. "By the time your kids hit puberty I'll definitely have gone through menopause so I won't join the vagina party."
"Can you guys shut up?" Tegan exclaimed. "I wanna focus on my thoughts." Sara just sighed because she knew the monster Tegan usually turned into during PMS had emerged.
"I don't see why it's such a bad thing you have your period," Stacy said and Tegan started to count under her breath before she cussed her out.
Meanwhile, Sara chuckled. "Of course you don't," she mumbled, gaining a puzzled look from Stacy. They looked at each other for a second until the friend's face gradually grew in heat and color. Her eyes shifted towards her girlfriend's eyes who glared at Tegan who smiled awkwardly and kicked Sara's foot under the table. "Oops," Sara eventually mumbled.
"There is nothing wrong with period sex," Stacy said rigidly.
"No, there isn't," Sara assured. "It's just not our…thing." Tegan nodded embarrassingly. "I mean, wait, period sex is fine, but going down on her while she's bleeding is just…not my thing." She received another kick under the table. "Oww."
"I will never tell you anything again," Emy said as she shook her head. Everyone was joking around but Stacy seemed so stressed out and embarrassed. "I'm sorry I said it, Stacy," Emy apologized.
"I'm so sorry," Tegan did, too, as she bit her lower lip.
Stacy joined them at the table, sipping what's left in her wine glass. "I'm not ashamed of it," she said. "Everyone loves something in bed. Some people like anal. I think it's dirty." Tegan and her wife exchanged subtle looks, comprehending very well why Stacy had said that. She was just getting back at her best friend for exposing her. Sara allowed her. She said nothing after and just nodded.
"Anyway, I would really like ibuprofen right now before my uterus starts its party," Tegan announced to change the subject.
Thankfully, the dinner was fun and lighthearted. A few jokes were shared. Some light conversation, too. Though the babies were up and hungry and a bit whiny, Tegan still managed to eat as Stacy fed Rose and Sara fed Scarlet. Stacy didn't even have any problem with Rose because the baby liked to hold her own bottle with both hands. The most important part for her was staring at her mothers as she drank her milk. Tegan made kissy faces every now and then which both girls enjoyed.
After dinner, the twins were put on their tummies while Sara sat next to them on the floor. Both Emy and Tegan covered themselves with a warm fuzzy blanket as they sat on the couch watching footage of Emy's new baby sister.
The neighbor delivered Ella asleep with her thumb in her mouth and her mother carried her to the living room so she could wake up because it was too early for her to be asleep.
"Look how cute," Stacy said as she carried her daughter.
"Aww," Tegan said and Emy smiled. "So peaceful."
"The only time I love hanging out around her is when she's like this," Stacy added with a giggle. "She's so talkative." Tegan suppressed a laugh as her eyes connected with Sara wickedly.
"Stace, come here," Emy called. "Take a look at my baby sister."
Stacy and Sara both walked up to Emy where she held her phone up showing a picture of the new baby in her hospital crib.
"So adorable," Stacy said. "Did she name her Ella?" Emy nodded. Stacy laughed. "Emily matches Ella. I guess that's why." Emy nodded again with a wide grin.
"I've always wished I had a little sister," Sara said. "It was like my one wish in life when I was nine. I actually wished it when I blew the candles of my tenth birthday." The professor made everyone laugh, but she also made Ella wake up. When she saw who they had around, she jumped and danced and ran around until Sara picked her up to get her away from Tegan's bitchy state.
When they got back home, Tegan told her wife she was not going to do anything for the babies because her cramps were giving her a hard time. She took the heating pad and grumpily climbed upstairs leaving Sara with the kids. She was in a bad mood because her plan didn't work. She wanted a nice day with Sara. She wanted to have fun. She wanted to go out and have a lot of sex, but instead she had to face killer cramps and terrible mood swings.
On top of that, the eerie but somehow familiar sensation she despised so much woke her up some time after dawn. She could feel the wetness she was surrounded by because she had felt it seeping out of her awhile before but her sleepy state didn't allow her to move. She wanted so badly to get up because she could clearly sense it, but her body was so weak and her pain was too strong.
Sara's soft snores were the only sound she heard in the dark room. She made the plan in her head. If she could get up slowly without making any noise and walk to the bathroom on tiptoes, she would avoid Sara waking up. She was also sleeping on her side so she truly hoped the bed was still clean and only her clothes were stained. Therefore, Sara wouldn't know nor see anything and she would get back and continue her slumber peacefully.
First, she had to check it wasn't just her imagination, so she put her hand on her bum only to hiss at the wetness that met her. She removed the duvet with her other hand as slowly as possible, but while shifting her feet, she felt the wetness on the mattress. Not only that, she also felt it trickling down her legs.
"Fuck, eww," she screamed and jumped up on the bed quickly. Sara was startled immediately. She sat up and switched on the lamp on her side only to gasp at the scenery. "Don't look," Tegan said as she looked down at the blood running down her thighs.
"What the fuck?" Sara screamed and got up. "What the hell is this?" She switched on the light in the room and Tegan jumped out of bed to run to the bathroom. "No, don't…it's all over the floor now." As if she couldn't tell. "Are you even wearing any underwear? A pad? A tampon?"
"Sara, shut up," Tegan screamed. "Just get me some clothes quickly."
Sara followed her into the bathroom as she was getting rid of her clothes. "Tegan, this is not normal," she said. "All of your side is covered in blood. It isn't normal to bleed like that."
"No, it's…" Tegan took a deep breath as she lowered down her underwear. "First don't look, please." Sara averted her gaze and looked up at her wife's face instead. "I guess I moved a lot in my sleep so the blood didn't get caught in the pad and it just started to seep out of my underwear and shorts…ugh. I should have worn tighter panties."
"Your pad is literally soaked," Sara pointed out. "When did you change it?"
"After I fed Rose," Tegan answered as she got inside the shower. She had to wash herself because she felt disgusting. "I just need tighter period underwear because these loose ones are terrible and I lost weight."
"Yeah, but you fed Rose three hours ago. This is not normal," Sara argued and heard a huff coming from her wife.
"I'm sorry," Tegan apologized.
"Why are you apologizing?" Sara said and got no answer. "I'm just worried."
"This is normal for me." Sara just sighed and walked outside to discard the sheets off the mattress. Even the mattress was stained. She also had to clean the floor because there were some drops of blood from that time Tegan had walked to the bathroom.
She decided to clean the floor first. They were only few drops so she ran out to the kitchen and came back with boiling water, a mop, and an old toothbrush. First she put some water on the floor and swept it quickly, then she put the boiling water on the mattress and used some detergent as well then scrubbed with the old toothbrush to get the stains out, hoping to God they would be gone. She opened the curtains and a tiny crevice in the window to get the room some air and get the mattress to dry. Though it was cold, it was still the only option she had because she couldn't just carry the mattress and put it outside.
She returned to the bathroom again and peeked at Tegan in the shower. "You're okay?" Tegan nodded while washing her hair.
"I'm almost done," she said with a sniffle.
"Don't cry," Sara said. "I promise you I'm not disgusted. I'm just a bit worried you have such a heavy flow. It's heavier than usual." Tegan nodded. "I took a picture of it and I'm gonna send it to your mum."
"What?" Tegan screamed.
"I have to ask what that was because it looked like a murder scene."
"Fuck, Sara, no." Tegan rinsed the shampoo in her hair and cried more. "That's very fucked up, okay? She'll freak out and tell you to take me to get checked. I know I'm okay. I told you the pad literally moved. I should have used a tampon but I was scared I'd sleep for too long and keep it in and then I might get an infection or something." Sara sighed.
"Fine, I won't send." Sara walked to the sink to wash her hand. But the detergent was there and all of the bloody clothes were on the floor, so she decided to just wash them and get it over with. Tegan watched her awkwardly while she got dressed with tears in her shy eyes.
"Why are you washing my clothes?" Tegan asked. She sat on the closed toilet seat with a frown on her face.
Sara looked back at her and smiled warmly. "Hand washing them will get the stains out. Putting them in the washing machine might keep the stains."
"You don't have to wash them. They're mine," Tegan mumbled.
"Do you really think I'm disgusted or disturbed or annoyed?" Sara chuckled. "Babe, you're my wife. I'd do anything for you." She heard a little sob and turned around to look at her lover. "Why are you crying?"
"It's just embarrassing for me;" Tegan said then sniffled, "always having you dealing with my shit. Always making some type of mess with everything I do then you taking care of it."
"But I love you," Sara answered. "And it's really alright with me. Plus, I know you'd just throw your underwear and shorts in the trash and you can't keep throwing everything there every time you stain them."
Tegan shrugged. "Mum used to put everything in the washing machine very quickly and they wouldn't be stained."
"You've always leaked? Like during every period?"
"Most of them." Sara nodded. "During nights because I move a lot in my sleep."
"Maybe you should use a menstrual cup," Sara suggested. "I think it's much better for you. Much better than tampons for sure."
"Yeah," Tegan mumbled and wiped her nose with the back of her hand.
"Go to the kitchen. I'll put these in the dryer and make you something to eat," the older woman ordered.
Tegan wanted to get back to bed, but the room was too cold due to the opened window. The mattress wasn't dry yet. She sat down at the kitchen table and put her head in her hand as she waited for food to be prepared.
The twins woke up a little bit after and they both had to be fed so Sara did it while she just rested her body on the living room's couch. She could feel herself going back to sleep, but each time her eyes would close and her mind would succumb, one of the twins would giggle, screech, or moan loudly. Eventually, when she felt too sad and too tired not to cry, she walked up to her bedroom where Sara had just put fresh sheets and warmed the place.
She took a look at her teddy bear placed in the corner of the room and grabbed it to cuddle with as she put herself to sleep. She cried a little bit because she was supposed to have that Sunday for herself and her wife. She was supposed to go out and see people. She was supposed to enjoy a good meal outside. She was supposed to have good sex…lots of it. Her plans were all shattered and her uterus was giving her a very hard time, too.
A knock on the door made her open her eyes slightly. "Yeah?"
Sara opened the door and pushed her head through the small opening. "Are you okay, love?" She nodded with a smile when she saw one of her daughters carried by Sara extend her head to look inside. She couldn't tell which baby it was because the baby was far away and both of them had the same mint green onesies on. "Can we come in and enjoy your company?" She nodded again with a grin.
Sara entered quickly with the baby. It was Rose. Tegan could tell when Sara made her sit on the mattress. Tegan gasped a little. "Yup, they can sit on their own now." Sara walked out to bring Scarlet. She made her sit next to her sister and joined her family on the mattress. "They're looking at the bear," she noted.
"Yeah," Tegan said. "They like it."
"I think it's scaring them, Tee." Both babies had their eyes wide open focused on the huge bear Tegan put her head on. "Let me get it away." Sara took it and threw it on the floor. "Better." She took the stuffed animal's place instead and put Tegan's head on her lap.
Tegan giggled because she knew the person who was mostly disturbed by the teddy bear was Sara and not the kids. Sara leaned in to kiss her head, making her giggle a little bit.
"Upset we didn't get to have our day?" She nodded. "Next Sunday still exists." Sara chuckled.
"I won't be done by then." Tegan sighed. "Actually, I'll be…but, like, I'm not sure. I usually take seven days." Sara nodded.
"There's always period sex if you want. I can get Stacy to take them and show you the time of your life." She knew Sara was joking but she still groaned and wrinkled her nose.
"They're hungry," Tegan remarked as she looked at her daughters staring at her with hands in their mouths. "I can't breastfeed them right now. I'm in so much pain."
"No, I fed them," Sara said. "They're just worried about you." Their faces were red and uncomfortable as they stared at their mothers.
Scarlet was sucking her thumb and Rose was holding her sister's arm. She eventually lost balance and fell down on the mattress, taking her sister with her. Scarlet's head fell on her sister's face and the loud crying began immediately.
Sara rescued both quickly and rocked Rose while calming Scarlet with a pacifier. Tegan just stared with fresh tears in her eyes. They were going to turn six months in a day and she felt so fucking sad about it. She didn't even know why. She just did.
Rose calmed down by putting her thumb in her mouth while lying against Sara's chest. Tegan's head was still on her wife's lap while Scarlet's small body lay closer to Tegan's. "I wish I can suck my thumb to soothe myself, too," Tegan said.
"Do it if you want," Sara said. Her wife looked up at her with quirked brows. "If it will make you feel better, just do it."
"No," Tegan said. "I just want to have a normal day. That's what will make me feel better." Sara could only sigh.
"Tee, I promise you we'll have tons of dates and sex," she said with another peck on her wife's temple. "As for today, I'm here to serve your needs. You don't have to do anything. I'll take care of the babies and of you. Just tell me what you want right now. Like, what is the one thing you really wish I can do to you at the moment?"
Tegan was laughing a little bit as she thought about Sara's offer. "Well…" She hummed and thought some more. "I could really use a foot massage. Like a really good one."
"A foot massage it is," Sara said with another kiss.
"Then some bowl of chocolate. A fondue…with fruits."
Sara was laughing. "Alright. I can easily give you that."
"And then I want you to watch Buffy with me….while I eat the fondue." Another nod and giggle came. "And I want you to give me a shoulder massage and read me some poetry and just listen to me cry and talk so I can feel better."
Sara leaned in but, that time, she kissed her lover's lips. "I can rub your clit and make you cum gently after the massage if you want that." Tegan shook her head. "Okay, then we don't have to do that."
"I'll never have period sex." Tegan wiped her tears. "I want you to start with the foot massage."
Whatever Tegan wanted, she was going to do it— just so Sara could free herself from the guilt.