I stood there;
At the end of the wide tunnel.
Never-ending, everlasting,
I saw the blue car passing by.
You couldn't stop.
You didn't stop.
The distance grew longer
Until you disappeared.
I stood there every day.
Your car passed every day.
You never stopped.
And the tunnel was long and dark.
I could not walk these miles alone.
I wanted you to pick me up.
But you never did.
Sara closed the notebook with a deep sigh. Smoke came out of her lips. Vapor. It was that cold. She looked at the foggy window onto the snow-covered trees. She hoped her muse would crack those windows and light her mind with creativity. What happened? She wondered. She remembered writing poetry day and night and now she could barely write a single poem. Nothing satisfied her. She flipped through the pages. She read some works she had written years before. The drawings sang as she smiled. The nude figure she had drawn changed in every picture until a year before when she had stopped. She didn't know why she had stopped. She wished she could ask her wife to pose for her again so she could draw the new changes.
No, she wasn't going to ask. Tegan would be angry.
Even her students watched her creative powers evaporate. She was not the intimidating hot professor who every man and woman swooned over in the faculty. She was not the mysterious Sara Clement who spoke daggers and knives but hypnotized every living soul around her with her honey voice and sunny eyes. She was just a mother now. A mother and a wife. An ordinary being. Like any other woman. She never wanted to be like any other woman. If Tegan heard her thoughts, she would be angry with her because nobody could deny that Sara had forced Tegan's life to be as ordinary as hers when they chose (or when she chose) this journey.
She sighed and turned her chair back to stare at her desk. Contemplating about her lost freedom was never good. Her friend Dana told her it was normal to have those thoughts, especially when life was filled with overwhelming responsibility. She also advised her not to spend so much time alone to think and daydream because it would make her even more upset. The best thing she could do would be busying herself.
At home she was usually very busy, especially the past week with Emy's accident and Ella's sickness. Even when Ella was back home since her grandmother had visited, she still found herself busy with the kids and Tegan. The night before she had to stuff a chicken with chopped veggies and cook it because of Tegan's cravings. At night, Rose had a coughing fit that worried her and Tegan. In the morning, Tegan was crying just because. Sara tried to know what was wrong, but Tegan told her she was just moody.
And it was the last day of university before winter break. They hadn't canceled their trip to Vancouver. Their flight was in two days. Stacy thought there was no need for them to stay when she was able to take care of Emy. Plus, there was too much drama with Tara and Beth. They hated each other vehemently and Stacy's house was filled with angry faces.
A notification from her wife pulled her out of her thoughts. She read the three messages before opening, but she had to respond.
-Hey babe!
-Can you pick me up on your way back home?
-Love you 3
She smiled while shaking her head. Tegan didn't have to ask. She could just demand. She was going to get whatever she asked for anyway. Sara could never say no to anything Tegan wanted.
-Of course, love.
She put her phone down and immediately received another response.
-Yay!
-Oh, and don't get dinner, I cooked before leaving the house.
Sara took her phone to respond immediately. Since when did Tegan cook? Those moments were rare.
-Cooked? :O
-Yeah! Sautéed Veggies, Stuffed mushrooms…in cheese, and for the main course I attempted your steak recipe.
Tegan put the phone down victoriously after Sara's excited reaction. Her smile couldn't be erased despite expecting this over-excitement from Sara. It was just different getting recognition from her. She wanted her wife to know that she, too, could cook something delicious to have together.
"Holy shit, the pain isn't normal," Emy's voice interrupted her self-victory. "Mum, no," she screamed as her mother attempted putting her down on the bed.
"Let me help you," Tegan offered, taking her best friend's legs gently, moving her towards the bed. Beth mumbled a quick thank you and huffed, wiping her brow.
She was calmer than before. She stopped fighting Stacy or Tegan much. Stacy's mother was the new target. Stacy would leave to work every morning, leaving Emy with her mother until Tegan visited at ten. The first day, she stayed there till five until Stacy returned. The second day, she had to leave at one because her babies were giving the babysitter a hard time. The third day, she left at four, and that day (the fourth day), Sara was going to pick her up at three.
Stacy's mother attempted staying in Stacy's place two nights when she arrived, but it was just hard. Not only because of the arguments with Beth, but because the apartment was too mall. It only had two bedrooms and Beth needed one because of her infant. Tara took a hotel room for her and for Ella. She only visited once Stacy was home so that she could see her daughter and stop any mean comment coming from Beth. She was the protective shield in spite of her silent rejection of her daughter's relationship.
"I need to check on Ella. I'll be right back." Beth left quickly, closing the door behind.
"She left to cry." Emy sighed. "She has post-partum depression. I feel bad for her." Tegan sighed, too. She knew that too well. "When does it end, Tegan?"
"Once I know, I'll let you know." Emy squinted and she shrugged. "Anyway, who's better at doing this?" A smirk showed on Tegan's lips when Emy's face burned with dark colors of bashfulness. "Oh, come on."
"Well, you and Stacy wipe softly. Like, you don't hurt me. But mum…" Emy closed her eyes in frustration. "She was gonna take my clit out." Tegan burst in laughter. "I just want to be able to move my fucking arms."
"You're really shy, though," Tegan stated. "I heard you giving her a very hard time, Em."
"What?" Emy laughed with a scream. "You guys are not supposed to look while doing this."
"It sucks, I know." She huffed. "Did she comment on your tramp stamp?" She wiggled her eyebrows at her best friend.
"Shut up." Emy rolled her eyes. "I don't think she saw it. Maybe she did. She commented on my breast size, though." More laughter entered the room. "She thinks I've gained too much weight and my boobs have gotten bigger even though I insisted I've been the same size since ever."
"At least she's…" The opening of the door cut Tegan's sentence off. Beth entered with her infant against her shoulder.
"She's awake and calm," whispered the mother. "I thought maybe I should get her here so you can get to know her." Emy was smiling. She attempted moving her arms, but she flinched immediately. "Don't. I'll sit next to you."
Little Ella, or that's what Emy called her so she could differentiate, had grey eyes. Beth said they're going to be as blue as Emy's because that's how Emy's eyes looked at three months. She had a chubby face with a double chin. She rarely stopped crying, but when she did she was nice to hang around since she smiled to everyone who played with her. Tegan had seen Stacy carrying her and playing with her as if she was her own mother three days before.
Tegan remembered her kids immediately. She wondered what they might be doing. Often times when she had heard about mothers saying they would miss their children when they weren't around them, she scoffed and mocked. Why would someone miss a crying, pooping, drooling infant? But she was just like those mothers. She didn't only miss them; she also felt deep pain thinking about them. Her breasts would hurt and she would leak and it embarrassed her that she was so attached to the babies she hadn't even wanted before. Plus, her babies were funny. They loved her and made her laugh. Yes, they were very hyper most of the time and, yes, they were noisy and always made sounds whenever they were awake, but at least those sounds weren't screaming cries of anger. They cried when hungry or bothered. But they usually tried to communicate in their special language and she just loved hearing them.
"You're leaking," Emy stated softly.
Both Tegan and Beth stared at their blouses. Tegan hadn't felt it so…oh, it was Beth. She nodded embarrassingly.
"Oh, I should feed her," said the brunette. She didn't have her daughters' eyes. They had their father's. Her hair was the same color as Emy's, though. Her face was thin and her eyes were smaller than Emy's. Tegan averted her gaze when her friend's mother began to breastfeed. Emy was still staring at her mother. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Sorry," Emy apologized. "It's just…surreal to me that I am at this age and I have a sister this age. She could be my daughter." Nodded her mother.
"The house was too empty and my depression was getting too much. I had to…find a replacement." Maybe Tegan was beginning to understand Beth. Maybe her reactions were justified. Did sadness make people meaner? Was she just mean or too overprotective? But according to Emy she never really cared much about her kids. Stacy said she had seen her smoking while breastfeeding. Beth said Stacy was a liar. Tegan didn't know who to believe because Stacy was a known exaggerator.
…
The twins screamed in sync upon seeing both mothers in the living room upstairs. Their walkers raced to reach the mothers with giggles and squeals.
Tegan's heart was full of ecstasy watching them try to get to her. She knew very well they missed her. She knew they wanted to be fed. Both of them fought for the space around her legs while Sara paid the babysitter.
"I don't think I can do this anymore," Sid whispered guiltily. "I mean…it's honestly just too much. I am very sorry. You have to find someone who can handle the two of them."
Tegan turned around to face the woman who shared her own age. She looked nervous and worried. She knew her babies weren't easy to be taken care of, but they weren't monsters. "Why? What did they do?" she asked.
"It's…they require so much effort and time."
"Are we not paying you enough?" Sara wondered. "Do you want more?"
"No, no." Sighed Sid. "Really, it's…running around after them tires me. They fight when they play, they crawl and touch everything, and whenever I attempt putting the toys in the box they take them out. I tried to keep them in their chairs but they screamed so loud I was so scared." Sid paused and looked at the two of them, pulling their mother's jeans with mumbling and whining. "It's like they gang up on me. They don't like me, I think."
Sara sighed and Tegan frowned. It was so hard finding a babysitter, anyway. She needed one to take care of her kids. They had tried plenty and nobody satisfied them except Sid. One babysitter they had tried before mentioned the fact that the kids were not only attached to Tegan, but were also spoiled. Sara said that was bullshit because they were babies and they weren't spoiled at all. Thinking about it, maybe they were. Tegan looked down at their big green eyes staring up at her and shook her head. Both of them smiled widely. God, she loved them so much.
The struggle began when she was trying to feed one at a time. She, as usual, picked Scarlet first and Rose ended up with her other mum. That time, though, Rose screeched and screamed the loudest she had ever done. She wanted to throw herself at Tegan. Why would she pick her sister and not her? Tegan's heart shattered to pieces and Sara rocked and sang and tried her best to comfort her cries.
"Maybe I should just feed both of them at the same time now."
Sara was shushing the baby, rocking her legs as the baby sat on her lap and cried her heart out. "I really don't know."
"I'm right here. You're next, honey." Tegan looked at Scarlet who was beginning to doze off. "Please fall asleep so I can feed your sister."
Rose only calmed down when it was her turn. Still, she paused every other minute and stopped nursing then returned. It took Tegan half an hour to calm her down.
"She broke my heart," Tegan said over dinner. Sara was so in love with the food; she was eating so quickly while moaning after every bite. "Sara? Is she okay?"
"Yeah," Sara said then hummed. "You're better than me." She took another bite of the steak then took a wine sip.
Tegan laughed a little. "You really forget yourself when there's food…or sex."
Sara moaned again. "Ahhh sex, how nice." She wasn't suggesting anything. She just mentioned it. "Hey, why don't we take the girls to their pediatrician tomorrow?" Tegan was surprised at the sudden change of conversation. "I know it's not their appointment. I'll call in the morning and reschedule it."
"Why?" Tegan wondered. "Do you think something's wrong?"
"Rose's cough worried me last night but she seems fine today. Other than that, I think we should do it before travelling…just to feel more confident about the whole thing." Tegan nodded. Sara must be worried, she thought. Sara never suggested doctors unless she was worried. She, too, felt uneasy. What if Rose had caught the flue from Ella? It would have shown, right? Nah, she was just overthinking.
Sara's comment during dinner also made her think about the last time they'd had a proper sexual encounter. It was before Emy's accident…Sara fucked her. Had she fucked Sara lately? God, she could barely remember. She certainly hadn't with a dick. She hated doing it because she knew she wasn't good at it. Sara had joked about it once but the remark was stuck in her mind. She rarely topped Sara, and she knew a healthy sex life required balance in that area.
In the bathroom, she brushed her teeth and took her shirt and bra off. She put her arms up to see the amount of hair. It was fine. Not bad. She sniffed a bit. She smelled like the Jasmine-scented deodorant she had put in the morning. She grabbed the stick and added some more. She took her jeans off and watched her reflection in the mirror. She put both hands underneath her breasts and pushed them up, imagining what they would look like if they didn't sag down a little bit. She twirled her nipples in front of the mirror and almost moaned at the feeling of her clit coming to life. It didn't even hurt doing that. She was that aroused.
She decided not to take her dark blue panties off before leaving the bathroom. She took a deep breath and opened the door, taking a closer look at Sara's body on the mattress with her small eyes focused on the screen ahead.
"Sare?" she called softly.
"Hmm?" Sara crooked her neck to take a look. Slowly, she made her body visible as she walked out. Sara's left eyebrow rose a bit. Her eyes stared. Though she didn't add a comment or a crude joke, Tegan could see the scanning gaze. "Is everything okay, Tee?"
"Yeah…umm…" Tegan blushed. She took a deep breath. "Do you…I mean which dildo would you prefer?"
"Wait…Are you serious?" Sara removed her glasses. As if those weren't supposed to be present in such moments carrying hints of eroticism.
"Umm…yeah." Tegan smiled.
Sara picked the pink one. Tegan teased that it was the smallest and she had thought Sara would pick the flesh-colored one for someone who was so horny. Sara admitted that the big ones hurt her more than gave her joy and that she needed only bliss because it had been a long time.
Tegan was strapped and lubed, but her heart drummed so fast she could barely think straight while she kissed Sara. She was not only horny, but too nervous as if it were her first time. She tried her best not show it as she rubbed her hands down her wife's body, feeling the soft skin underneath. She pinched one nipple and played with the heated folds. Sara was wet so she dipped a finger inside. The soft moans came from both of them. Sara's breasts were in her face so she took one in her mouth and sucked. She didn't want Sara to cum quickly, so she slid her finger out and flicked the engorged clit, making Sara gasp.
"Sara?" she said after leaving the right breast. "I want…"
"Yes, baby?" Sara's palm cupped her ass. She fucking loved it.
"I want you to…"
"To?" Sara squeezed her ass cheek. Tegan was pooling on the base of the dildo.
"Guide me," Tegan whispered shyly. "I'm not good at this," she admitted.
"Yeah, you are." Sara chuckled. "You just get nervous." Tegan's forehead was kissed and her butt was slapped. "Treat my pussy like you treat yours. Love it and fuck it nicely like you do yours."
Did Sara know? Did she find out about the secret vibrator?
"Okay." Tegan kissed a nipple. She wanted hers played with, too.
Sara's inner lips were wide open after spreading her legs. She could easily direct the head to the red wet opening. Her clit was waiting in hunger. Tegan stared and Sara did so, too. "Is this good?" she said after pushing softly.
"Perfect," Sara answered with a grunt. "Push more."
"You're so tight," Tegan said, struggling.
"It had been so long," Sara said. "But I'm fine…oh yes," Sara moaned. "Yes, stay here." Her grip over Tegan's ass strengthened. Both palms pressed down to keep her there.
"Good?" Tegan asked while panting. Her red face was beautiful.
"Perfect," Sara said with a smile. She found her lips so alluring. She wanted one in her mouth. Kissing was never her favored part during sex. She liked foreplay, she liked playing with her partner's body and kissing it, but actual kissing was not something she often remembered. But, God, those plump lips were so inviting. Tegan's minty breath was nice, too. The taste was even better when she initiated the kiss. And when Tegan began to roll her hips, both of them moaned through it. "Now," Sara said after breaking the kiss. Her lips were wet and cold.
"Now?"
"I want you to lift yourself up a bit and then thrust. You know how I do it." Tegan nodded. "And don't worry. Just follow my lead."
Her two hands held Tegan's hips as she guided her up. Tegan began to thrust slowly. Sara was humming. "Is this…"
"Yeah, yeah," Sara said…lustily. She sounded like a porn star. "Just harder. Same slow pace but harder." Tegan smiled, pulling out to the tip again and thrusting the way Sara had directed. "Oh, my God, that's it…that's it. This pace." Tegan felt her stomach cramping, not because she was uncomfortable, she was just so horny. She was going to cum before Sara even did it.
"Can I?" Tegan said, thrusting inside her wife all the way. "Just…" She rolled her hips making Sara scream. "Oh, I'm sorry."
"No," Sara screamed. "Do it…Yes, fuck…do it." Sara pinched both ass cheeks and began slapping them with each motion. "I'm close," she announced breathlessly. Her clit was caged between a thumb and an index, increasing the sounds escaping her lips. Tegan rubbed quickly, extracting the orgasm from her wife's body.
A weight had been lifted. Tegan took a deep breath when she collapsed on the mattress next to Sara. Hopefully Sara would stop nagging about sex or being topped for awhile until Tegan could find it in her to fuck her again.
"How fucking wonderful are you?" Sara said with enthusiastic joy. "I love you." She grabbed her face and kissed her. "You're so fucking sexy." Tegan giggled.
"I was good?" the younger woman asked sheepishly.
"Fucking perfect." Sara sighed loudly. "You surprised me today. I am blessed."
Was that appropriate to say? She didn't want to sound like a man. She didn't want to sound annoying. It was just food and sex and Tegan was not supposed to live to please her. But it was such a good feeling having Tegan touch her without her asking to. The last time she'd done that was at the beginning of the semester when she fucked her on the floor, right?
"I wanna return the favor," she announced even though her body was too numb to move.
"I already came while…thrusting," Tegan told her, covering her face with her hand. Was she still so shy? How come? "I even came before you. I was that horny I guess."
"Well, I don't blame you; I'm hot." She wanted her to laugh…and indeed she did cackle. Her chest heaved up and went down with her laughter. Her breasts were moving with her. Full. Beautiful. Areolas were round and big and nipples were larger than before. Dark pink. Almost purple because of the breastfeeding. Still delicious. Still perfect.
Her ribs stood to attention when she lay down and the little tummy was almost flat. The triangle of hair wasn't so thick but it did hide the lips and little clit. Not that Sara could see them from her place on the mattress.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Tegan wondered quietly.
"I'm admiring the beauty you hold," Sara answered honestly. "I miss…" No, she should not do it. She should not say it. "Don't be angry with me please."
"You miss my old body?" Though Tegan asked with a smile, the stripped-off confidence and fear was shouting beneath her transparent irises.
"No, babe. I meant to say I miss drawing your body." Sara's hand tucked the few strands of hair beneath her lover's ear, searching for some happiness in her eyes. Every smile was broken. How did Sara not notice it before? "God, Tegan, I truly miss you." She almost cried. Why did she want to cry?
Tegan's eyes were tearing up, too.
The distance between them was erased by Sara shifting her body closer, wrapping her arm behind Tegan's naked back. Their noses rubbed together with eyes closed. Tegan initiated the kiss that time. Sara loved those kisses. Sad kisses. Lonely ones. Emotional. Lovely. Cold, but warm with love.
"Come here, honey," Sara whispered, getting Tegan's body tangled up between hers. She pushed her thigh between Tegan's legs. "Yes, babe." She pecked the kiss. "Do that," she instructed as Tegan began to rock her hips against her thigh. The fluids were thick in texture and aroma.
Her breasts were moving, swaying, dancing.
"Can you…" Tegan closed her eyes with a moan. She pointed at one breast while moving as quickly as possible.
"Touch them?" Tegan shook her head.
"Lick them…please."
"Are you sure?" The milk didn't worry her. It was the pain.
Tegan nodded.
Carefully, she held one in her hand and directed it to her mouth, twirling her tongue around the nipple. She heard a pleased 'yeah' from Tegan. She kissed the nipple. Tegan was pooling on her thigh and she was feeling some of the friction from Tegan's thigh as well. She bit on the nipple. Tegan moaned again. She was happy. Her tongue lapped around the nipple until she took the whole thing in her mouth, beginning to suck lightly.
She was surprised at the taste. She had tasted it before out of curiosity. She hadn't told Tegan. She put some from Rose's bottle in her cup and tasted. She felt guilty though. It was just one sip, but she felt so guilty because that milk was for the babies and not for her. It tasted fine. But now it tasted better. Weird but better. Was that appropriate? Tegan wanted it, so why not? Tegan was her wife. She'd give her milk to Tegan if she had some and wanted her tits to be sucked during sex, too.
Tegan didn't even care. Her eyes were closed and her voice was full of nirvana. Sara touched her clit to add more pleasure and Tegan popped her eyes wide open. They looked into each other's eyes. Sara was working on the other breast then. A finger sneaked inside and entered Tegan slowly. Tegan smiled happily and rode that finger till her second orgasm arrived.
They didn't let go. Their legs were interlaced and their limbs were intertwined. Tegan's face was buried in Sara's neck while her hot breath hit the goosebumped skin. Sara felt her heart beating. Such a beautiful melody.
"If our kids could walk, they would walk on us like this. It would be a disaster," Sara commented, holding her wife tightly. Tegan laughed. "Okay?"
"I'm sorry I let you drink my milk. I needed my tits sucked in a…sexual way. I wanted to feel sexy not like a food machine."
"And there I was just swallowing all that milk."
Tegan laughed and shook her head. "No, you did it the sexy way. Trust me, the feeding way is…weird and different." Tegan looked at her with a grimace. "Especially when Rose decides to bite me."
"Awww."
"Shut up." Tegan pushed her playfully. She yawned and sat up.
"I could stare at them all day and have sex with you all day, too." Sara commented, eyes fixed on the breasts.
"I don't doubt that," said Tegan, "but the screaming cries will probably come out anytime now." Sara put her arm up. "You want me to help you?"
"Please," she whispered.
She groaned loudly sitting up, feeling her back and hips on fire. "Old already?"
"Yes, actually." She smiled lazily. "My body hadn't been the same since giving birth to Alice, to be honest. It's like I lost some bones or some limbs…"
In the past, Sara never mentioned Alice. When she finally admitted her past existence, she didn't like to talk about her. Peace only came after she had had kids. Still, the only person she mentioned her in front of was Tegan when they were alone. Tegan thought Sara just wanted her to know that she, too, had experienced some similar feelings.
"How come you haven't told me that?" Tegan asked cunningly. "You didn't want me to know all the bad things that would happen after birth so I wouldn't back down?" Sara laughed a little. It was a sad laugh. She stung her. She succeeded.
"I don't know…I was just not comfortable admitting to myself that I had lost my kid and that I hadn't been the same ever since." Maybe she shouldn't have done that. She liked to hurt Sara with words sometimes but maybe that was a terrible thing to do at that time. Sara was a human after all—a human that she loved more than any other person, and a human that hurt her every day by inflicting the fate of motherhood on her, but a human nonetheless. "But you didn't even know me back then." Sara yawned. "So you don't have much to compare me to."
"I know that I have fallen in love with a confident professor who buried pain behind two glassy eyes and did everything to make me happy. That's what I know." Sara nodded. "Do you really want to draw me?"
"I do," Sara confirmed.
"It's you against the first kid who's going to wake up then." She smirked at her wife and winked.
"Ohhh, you're the one winking now."
Sara was quick. She moved around in the speed of light to get the notebook and begin her business.
"How shall I pose, Dr. Clement?" Tegan asked with her beautiful sex eyes.
"Whatever way you desire," Sara answered with a wink. A perfect one. Her signature one. "As long as I can see your pussy."
"Naughty."
Tegan preferred to sit up and open her legs that time. It was not sexy. Just casual. In its own way it was sexy. Her cunt dripped juices of arousal. She still wanted to be touched. If the kids didn't wake up, Sara was going to drink those juices after the drawing.
…
Rose woke up with a coughing fit again. Both mothers were worried. Her chest wheezed and her face was red. Her sister woke up cranky and hungry. Tegan put cookies in the blender to mash them and Sara almost gagged watching her babies eat that with happy eyes.
But that cough, God.
Sonia called and Tegan told her about visiting Evelyn. Of course she didn't like that as Tegan had anticipated. Tegan was seated on the floor with the babies sitting around her, toys in hands and food in their mouths. Sara was drinking coffee on the couch while listening to the conversation.
"We're gonna visit in the summer, mum," Tegan promised with eyes rolling every second at her mother who could not see her. The phone was put on speakers on the coffee table behind Tegan.
"We wanna see our grandkids. We deserve to."
"Yes, but Sara's mum deserves to as well."
"She saw them a few months ago," argued Sonia. "We saw them when they were just born like…eight months ago."
"Yes, mum." Tegan sighed. "Sara deserves to spend time with her mum, too. She's going there for the first time in ages."
"That's not my problem Sara has issues with her mum. Why do we have to pay for that?"
Sara nodded with a smile. Tegan mouthed a whispered apology only Sara could see and hear.
"It's fine," Sara whispered back.
"Mum, please just understand. Would you like it if we visited this Christmas and spent all summer in Vancouver?"
"Are you gonna spend all summer in here?" Sara's eyes opened widely. She shook her head mouthing 'no' to her wife.
"Well, not all of it but a month is better than a week." They were two weeks actually, but she didn't want to admit that to Sonia.
"Bullshit," Sonia screamed. "Do you think I'm a stupid child? You're spending Christmas and the New Year." Sonia was genuinely hurt. It was obvious. "This is the second Christmas you're away from me."
Was she crying? Oh my, God. The drama. Sara rolled her eyes. No wonder Tegan was like that. It was just in their DNA.
"Mum, it's not personal. Evelyn invited us before you did and we almost didn't go because of Emy. Now we can. You have Ted and Talia and Sara's mum has no one." Even Stacy's mother was in Montreal.
"Fine, Tegan. Whatever."
Tegan took a deep breath and huffed. "You always like to make things so hard, mum."
Was Tegan going to cry, too? Rose was coughing and Scarlet was becoming whiny because of the argument. Sara walked up and sat next to her wife.
"Sonia?" she spoke. "Can you please listen?"
"What, Sara?" Sonia was angry. So angry.
"I have finally fixed my relationship with my mother and I do really want her around in my life. Can you please just forgive this time? I want my family to be close and I want the holidays to be spent with both families. I want to reconnect so that everyone can be here during the baptism in April. We've decided we're going to do it a day before their birthday. I want everyone to be here."
"Okay…I guess…it makes sense." Tegan's jaw almost dropped to the floor.
"And that all of you can be here in the future if we decide to host graduation parties or like maybe spend Christmas in the upcoming years. I want my mum, too. If I said no to her now, she would think I was still angry with her and things would be terrible."
"Yeah."
Sara winked at her wife, who was shaking her head in disbelief at Sara's ability to persuade Sonia when she couldn't. Sara told Tegan she was too defensive and her mother had the same personality so they clashed. Sara was able to use the emotional side. She mentioned the baptism part that Sonia wanted so much in order to get on her good side and to toy with her mother-in-law's emotions. She mentioned family gatherings and gave her an image of a bright future to calm her down.
"You are just…" Tegan was speechless. "You're something else. I just…wow…I'm so happy I married you." Sara felt proud as she smirked with face burning red. "Seriously, that's why you're a professor."
"I have my ways." Sara winked again.
Before falling asleep, Sara checked on both girls in their cribs. Scarlet's thumb was inside her mouth as she sucked and laughed in her sleep. Sara almost laughed loudly watching her daughter. She did film her and send the video to Tegan. She knew Tegan was going to send it to everyone she knew if she didn't even put it as an Instagram story. Scarlet happily dreaming about boobs, she imagined the caption to be.
When she stood near Rose's crib, the baby was awake. Her eyes were open and her legs were moving lightly. Her breaths were audible. "Baby, I thought you slept." Rose didn't smile. She whined a bit. "Are you okay, my love? Is it the cough?" Sara picked her up slowly. Rose whimpered louder. "Shhh, mama's right here." She kissed her forehead. It was hot and sweaty. "Baby, you're sick." She furrowed her brows at Rose's sudden reaction. The voice that came out of her. The gasp. The plea. "Rosie?"
Panic began to blanket Sara's body. Her heart announced its frantic song inside her body. Her skin shot the goosebumps out. She held her daughter closer to her chest and walked out to her bedroom on dizzy feet. She felt the room spinning. Had she been there? She had been there.
"Tegan?" she called hazily. Tegan looked up from her phone, watching Sara's frozen paleness holding her even paler kid. Her eyes widened at the sickly pale color of her daughter's skin. "I think something's wrong."
"Rose," she screamed. "Baby, come here." She took the kid from Sara, feeling her skin, listening to her heartbeat. "Sara she's choking."
"What?" Sara's tears were running without her realization. "Choking?" She realized the coughs had been a cry for help. She realized the gasps were a way the baby was trying to save herself. "We have to get her to the hospital." She took the kid from her wife and rocked her gently. "Call 911…call Stacy…call…" She hiccupped through tears. Tegan was running around frantically looking for the phone that was in her hand. "You're gonna be okay, baby. You're gonna be fine." Sara kissed the heated forehead. "I'm not gonna lose you. I can't lose you." She broke down at that. Her cries were loud and her wails were heart aching.
Tegan called Jeremy, not Stacy. She didn't think Stacy would be able to leave Emy, Beth, her mother, and her kid so quickly. Jeremy lived closer and he was faster. He told her he was coming to stay with Scarlet but they needed to drive Rose to the hospital.
"I can't drive," Sara said. "I'll crash." She kept her daughter closer to her chest, inside her pajama shirt. "Call 911."
By the time they arrived to the hospital, all their friends had been informed. Jeremy called Stacy and told her. Stacy called Jack. Jack called Dana. Everyone, except for Jeremy, was at the hospital trying to get both mothers to calm down while their kid was inside the examination room.
"They didn't let me get in there with her," Tegan shouted. "I'm her mother."
"They can't," Stacy said. "It's sensitive. They have to see what's wrong."
While Tegan whined, Sara was stone cold. She sat there with eyes bloody red and tears unstoppable. Her silence was scary. The only thing she uttered since they had arrived was her fear of losing another child. She looked at Jack and said it to him, "I'm not gonna lose another one, am I?" She asked is if he was the father again; as if he were the one in charge of her mental state. He could lie to her the way he had done when he told her Alice was going to be alright. He could persuade her to believe the unbelievable.
"You're not, honey," Dana whispered and kissed her temple. "You're going to be okay."
They entered the room when they were called in. Their little baby was in her diaper with machines attached to her chest and an oxygen mask on her face. "She'll be cold," Tegan said, almost running to cover the unconscious baby.
The nurse stopped Tegan, who almost pushed her roughly. "Please."
Sara grabbed her wife's T-shirt tightly, pulling her towards her.
"Just look at her. She's just asleep. Don't worry," the doctor said. She was a young doctor. Maybe in her early thirties. "We have to talk, but I just want to make sure you know she's just asleep right now and that you made the right choice bringing her in because if you had been just a little bit late, you would have possibly lost your kid." Tegan cried a loud no and Sara just cried.
"Why?" Sara asked.
"Come with me," the doctor whispered. "Let's talk in my office."
The doctor inquired about the twins' medical history. Did they suffer from anything since the day they'd been born? No, nothing. Rose did have some allergies, Sara informed. They were not bad. The babies were fine. The babies were healthy. The doctor awkwardly asked who the birth mother was. Tegan answered that it was her with a broken voice. She asked whether they knew who the donor was and Sara answered that they did. Then the doctor asked about the medical history of both biological parents. Sara didn't recall Adam had anything wrong. She picked him because he was perfectly fine.
But Tegan, remembered Sara, her heart…
"It's just a birth defect. It's nothing wrong. I mean just a tightening in the aorta, but I am fine," Tegan defended her own body as if it were the reason for her daughter's misery.
"That's what your daughter has," the doctor revealed quietly.
"But how?" Tegan fought to prove the doctor wrong. "No, it can't be. They would have known that when she was born." She shook her head.
"Tegan, you only figured out your problem after the car accident." Tegan shrugged both shoulders with a frowning face and teary eyes.
"I am sorry about that," spoke the doctor then sighed. She looked at the papers in her hand fixing her posture on the chair. Time for empathy was over and she had to get to business. "We are still running some tests. She has to stay here. We'll move her to another room for now."
"Why does she have to stay?" Sara asked. Her voice was raspy and tired.
"Because we're running tests. There's a possibility she needs an immediate correctional surgery." Sara nodded slowly. "An open heart surgery."
"No," Tegan screamed at the doctor. "That's bullshit. It can't be."
"Tegan," Sara whispered, "calm down." She was shaking when she said that to her wife. She was the one who needed to calm down.
"But there's a possibility we might not need that and she can have some medicine for it."
But correcting the problem was better. Sara didn't want her daughter to suffer later on. Heart issues were always dangerous. Open heart surgeries were dangerous, too. Was Tegan going to have one, too? She had to correct her heart issue as well.
All the happy moments of that day were erased. The sex. The love. The drawing. The cuddling. The sweet moments. The laughter of their kids. In a flash they found themselves in the same place they both hated.
"We're cursed," Stacy whispered to her best friend, "aren't we?"
"Do people spend that much time in hospitals?" Sara wondered. "Do I just jinx everyone I'm around?" She was crying on her friend's shoulder. "Should I just buy a room in here for me and my family or what?"
"Don't say this," Dana said. "Everyone gets sick, honey. It's normal." But even the way her voice went down in its tone told the lie that it was not normal.
Tegan paced back and forth around the closed door of the ICU until her baby was moved to another room. The baby needed diapers and clothes for the night…and the next morning. She needed to pump. She had left her other baby with her best friend. Oh, Scarlet, I'm sorry. She did call to make sure her other kid was fine. Oh, she had to be examined, too. What if both took her terrible genes? She had to inform her parents, too.
Jeremy did struggle with Scarlet but he lied to Tegan. He needed his girlfriend to help him with the stubborn infant who cried, refused to eat, refused to be picked up, and refused to stop screaming.
By midnight everyone had gone home except both mothers. Sara sat on the chair next to the small crib and Tegan decided to get inside to cuddle up with her daughter. The baby woke up after few hours. She was hungry and whiny. Tegan fed her with tears streaming down her face then watched her play with a small toy the nurse had given her, moving both legs and arms while mumbling noises to her mother. Her beautiful eyes were full of tears, too. She coughed a bit, alarming Sara. She giggled a bit.
"Hey, Rosie," Tegan whispered. "You're good, baby?" Her daughter stared at her with her wide forest eyes. She mumbled something then her lips turned up in a smile, handing Tegan the toy in her hand. "You want me to get it?" Tegan picked up the little toy. Rose squealed and made a sound in her mouth, almost like a kissing sound.
"She's thirsty," Sara pointed out. "She wants water."
"Oh." Tegan sat up in the crib and the baby attempted sitting up by rolling on her stomach. "Careful, baby." Tegan picked her up, keeping her close to her. "Should I feed her?"
"I think she wants water not milk. That's what Ella used to do when she was thirsty." Sara stood up. "I'll get her water." They had forgotten the baby's bag at home. They didn't have anything with them and Sara had to go and get many items they wanted but she just couldn't leave. They were waiting for the results. She wished she had someone to help her. Someone around. Someone who would take care of her other baby. Someone she could just trust. Stacy was that person but Stacy had responsibilities. When things were too much for her, she had to call her mother to take care of Ella because she knew that Sara and Tegan, too, had responsibilities. Plus, Stacy's girlfriend needed care, too. That was fucked up. Everything was fucked up.
Tegan helped her baby drink some water even though the baby didn't know how to do that through a normal bottle. The water spilled all over her clothes. "Her clothes are wet," Tegan said. "We need clothes. She'll get sick." She wiped her baby's mouth with a tissue then laughed at herself. "She's already sick." Her tears came back to her. "I'm so sorry you had to get my bad genes, baby."
"We have to get Scarlet checked, too," Sara announced. "We have to make sure."
"Yeah, I know." Tegan wiped some tears. "I just want the results first. I just want to hear that she's not having any operation performed." She felt her baby's head against her chest. She looked down at her baby hugging her. "Oh, look." She laughed a little. "She's giving me a hug." Sara smiled and rubbed Rose's back from her place next to the crib.
"She's such an empathetic baby. She's kind and sensitive," Sara remarked.
The doctor advised the couple to ask for someone to get the essential items their daughter needed. They couldn't just ask someone to leave their house at such an hour to bring them things only they knew their baby would need.
"When are we going to learn about the test results?" asked Sara. The baby was getting examined, giggling each time the doctor did something funny with her face.
"Not until tomorrow morning." Smiled the woman. "The doctor taking my shift in an hour is very nice and he will be the one telling you the results." Sara didn't care. She just wanted to know.
Tegan begged Sara to go home and bring them clothes for Rose. Tegan, too, needed clothes. They needed the bottles, the pump, the food—everything.
Sara took a Lyft and decided she'd go back in her car. The roads were dark and scary. It was freezing cold. When she entered her house, her daughter's screeching voice greeted her aching heart.
"I'm so sorry," she apologized to the couple, holding Scarlet in her arms. "I know she's hard to take care of. Our babysitter quit today, too." Sara's tears escaped as she looked at her crying kid.
"I think she knows something is wrong," Denise said. "She kept looking around at the other crib." Sara rocked the baby and nodded. "She's never been separated from her sister?"
"No," whispered the mother. "Soosie, your sister's fine." She kissed her forehead. "She'll be back home soon. I promise you." The baby's tiny hand clutched Sara's shirt tightly. Her eyes were squeezed shut as she cried. Her face was so red and heart-wrenching to look at. "I have to get back to mummy and Rosie so I can give them their clothes. I promise we won't be long." She hoped it would not be long. She begged her Lord it would not take too long. She couldn't just keep Jeremy and Denise in her place taking care of her screaming child. That nightmare was going to be over soon. She prayed it would. "I'll try to feed her and get her to sleep so that you guys can sleep a little bit. She usually sleeps for six hours straight so that's good."
"Don't worry about it," Jeremy said. Sara knew, though, how awkward he was around kids. Tegan had told her how horrified he seemed around Emy's sister.
Maybe she could ask Jack.
No, Tegan would disown her.
It took her about an hour and too many games and songs for Scarlet to finally fall asleep with her milk in her mouth. Sara put her down slowly and dimmed the room, giving the couple the monitor and directing them to the guest bedroom.
"Just a little warning…um…sometimes when her diaper is full, it…leaks." Both squinted at Sara. "You might find the shit up to her back when she wakes up." While Jeremy's eyes widened, Denise's lips rounded in shock. "I'm so sorry. That's the most disgusting she could get…other than puking at someone's face. She's a lovely person when quiet, though…I promise." Sara mentally cursed herself as she realized she was trying to defend her baby so hard. All babies did those things. It was normal. She should not apologize for her baby's natural behaviors.
Tegan was asleep next to her daughter when Sara returned. She wanted to sleep, too. She tried to do that on the couch but she couldn't because of the living fear within her that if she closed an eye she might open it and not find Rose there in the morning. It had happened to her once. She opened her eyes after a long slumber and Alice was gone.
God, if she hadn't checked on her babies. If she had just left them asleep and stayed in bed. She always checked on them before going to bed. It was a habit she had learned from her mother. Her mother continued checking up on her in the middle of the night till she moved out of the house. Even during their most atrocious fights her mother would open the door slightly to make sure her kid was safe and sound. Sara would be hidden underneath the blanket, squeezing tears and hiccups until her mother's nightly routine was over so that she could let it all out. Keys were not allowed in their house. Privacy wasn't something her mother understood much. She didn't care about Sara's request for it. She would walk in on her in the bathroom or when she was changing. It bothered Sara so much. She fought with her mother about knocking. Her mother didn't get why she had to knock. Her mother was so naïve and simple at times she thought the world worked the way old 80s movies did. Sara couldn't see it before but her mother actually just wanted to be as close to her as possible. She just wanted to be considered a friend. Sara and her mother were nothing alike and that was one of the major problems. It was hard for Evelyn to accept that her daughter was so different. Maybe because she was so much like her father that it hurt Evelyn watching the person she loved the most be like the person who hurt her the most. Maybe Sara had never understood her mother the way her mother never did her. People were hard to understand, especially those with silenced voices.
Tegan promised herself she wouldn't fall asleep, but she did. She was holding her daughter and fell asleep next to her in the small crib. She woke up to the cries. She took the baby in her arms quickly after a gasp. No one was in the room. Had Sara not returned?
Yes, she had. Rose's bag was there on the table in the room. Her breast pump was put there, too. What time was it? How long had she slept? She couldn't tell whether it was morning or still midnight or dawn. The blinds were drawn and the room was lit up with a dimmed white light.
"Are you hungry?" She looked down at her baby searching for her breasts. "Here you go." She hoped she had milk. She didn't feel so full. Fuck, she should not have asked her wife to suck on her breasts. Sara barely got any out of her but still. Sara was skilled enough to suck without drawing the milk out. She knew how sick and disgusting that would be, but she didn't care at that time. God, how stupid. She should have kept that milk for her baby. And, Scarlet…oh, poor Scarlet deprived of her and her milk. She felt herself crying as she tried her best to squeeze whatever she had in there.
When the door opened, Tegan jumped a little reaching for the small blanket to cover her chest with. It was just Sara with her red eyes and sniffling voice.
"Sara?" Tegan asked, letting go of the blanket slowly. "Did…are the…" Sara nodded before she could finish. "Surgery?" Sara nodded again, breaking down in her place.
The last time she'd heard Sara cry with agonizing wails was more than three years before. She was ill and Tegan had just cheated on her. She cried as if she had lost someone to death. Back then Tegan realized that she had killed Sara a little when she was already dying. There Sara was crying the same way as if they had informed her that her baby was gone forever…again. Tegan couldn't do anything to stop her because she was feeding that sick baby who took her sick genes. How ironic was that. It was not Sara's cancer ruining her family; it was her silent illness.
"It's just a surgery," she attempted to say. She had to say something. She had spent the night googling the results of that surgery, the side-effects, the complications. A lot of kids had to undergo an open-heart surgery. It wasn't a big deal. It was better now than later. Their daughter was going to survive it, right? "She'll be okay after it." Sara nodded. "Please don't cry like that."
"I can't help but think of Alice," Sara said through tears. "I feel like I'm not destined to be fully happy."
"No…she's gonna be okay. She's not Alice. She can't be." Please, God, no. Her daughter was not going to die. She would die after. But Scarlet…she still had another one. She couldn't lose any of them. Both were part of her. A piece of her heart had been given to them. She couldn't live life without them.
The surgery had to be performed on the 24th of December at 10:00 am which meant they were going to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas in the hospital. It also meant Sara had to cancel her flight and inform her mother. She was hoping for something she could ask her mother to do but she wasn't sure the woman would agree to it. She had to try, however.
Tegan, though, decided not to tell her parents so she wouldn't ruin Christmas for them. She knew they would worry. She encouraged Sara to call Evelyn and ask her for the favor they both wanted. Evelyn lived alone but Tegan's parents had an entire family connected to them. When she remembered the family, she remembered her grandma's smirking triumph. That made her refrain from telling her parents even more. Her grandmother would blame it on her queerness. She would claim that God did that to her to inflict punishment.
Did he?
She wanted to ask Sara, but she knew Sara would respond to that angrily. Sara had told her before that blaming everything on God meant that she was still very homophobic on the inside and not confident enough about her queerness.
What if Evelyn believed that and rejected helping them?
Sara was crying when she talked to her. She sat on the same chair with her baby in her arms. The baby had the pacifier in her mouth and played with her mother's fingers.
"Oh, honey," Evelyn said after Sara's explanation. "This…I'm so sorry."
"I need a favor, mum," Sara asked, looking at her silent wife seated next to her.
"Do you want money? I'll send you some right now."
"No, it's not that…uh…"
"Yes, love?" Tegan shook her leg the way her wife usually did. She was listening to the conversation with a beating heart. If Evelyn couldn't help them she would have to inform her parents and ask for their help.
"Can you…vis…" She cleared her throat and shook her head. Why was she so scared? "Can you please be here by tomorrow?" She took a deep breath. "Scarlet is alone and there's no one with her and we're both with Rose at the hospital and we can't keep her with Stacy because Aunt Tara's here with Ella since Stacy's partner has…"
"Sara, yes, yes, I know…," Evelyn interrupted. "Of course I'll be there. I wanted to offer that but I was scared you would reject me. I want to help." Tegan released a breath of relief thanking God in a whisper. "Don't worry, Tegan, I'll be there by tonight if I find a flight. I'll try right now."
Flights during the holidays were hard to find and were extra expensive. Both Sara and Tegan were aware of that. They couldn't be more thankful. That was going to be one of the hardest Christmases for them. Their family was not going to be together and their other kid was going to be away from them.
Tegan pumped for her other kid and Sara took it to her promising the caregivers that her mother was going to take their place. She brought them dinner, too. She told them to rest for a bit while she took Scarlet to get checked.
Her daughter only calmed down when she was out with her. Sara kissed and hugged and played with her as she sat in the waiting room. Scarlet screeched when she saw the doctor. She was one of those babies who immediately recognized her doctor and was never easy to handle around him. Though he tried his best to be funny and goofy around her, the baby just didn't like going there. She looked at her mother sadly while Sara locked her tears inside. Whenever one baby was upset she felt the need to cry. Her friends thought she was over-sensitive and she should be stronger because her babies were going to be upset a lot of times. But Tegan, too, was just like her. They were just sensitive mums. However, that time at the doctor's, Sara controlled her tears and joked with her baby to make her feel better.
The doctor requested a few more tests to check if the baby shared her sister's heart problem and Sara had to get her those tests done. She forgot about her mother or her wife for those few hours she was busy with Scarlet. When she returned home, she checked her phone noticing her mother had left her a voicemail telling her she would be in Montreal at eight. She asked her not to show up to the airport because she would take a cab to her house.
Sara called Tegan asking her about Rose. The baby was fine and Jack was at the hospital checking on her. Stacy had passed by, too. Tegan asked about Scarlet's results. Sara put her on speaker to talk to Scarlet who was too whiny to pay attention. Whenever she was called, she looked up to search for the sound. The baby couldn't realize her mother was talking to her on the phone. When the call was over, Scarlet patted Sara's breast.
"I'll get you the bottle," Denise said after noticing that.
"Now that she remembered the boobs, she's not going to shush down." Jeremy chuckled a bit.
Sara decided to stay with her baby till her mother came. It was five anyway and her mother was going to be there at eight. She bathed her baby and waited for her doctor to call. She put the baby to sleep and had dinner with Jeremy and Denise then excused them to go home. She didn't know how to thank them. She mentally promised she'd cook them something delicious after her daughter's surgery. A lot of people helped, but she just needed her mother so that she could be there with her wife and daughter. Her mother taking care of her kid was just different. Jeremy and Denise had no experience while her mother did. Scarlet was her grandchild, too. Yes, she wasn't that close to her, but maybe that was a good chance for them to get closer. Evelyn didn't mind it at all. She seemed happy Sara had considered her.
The doctor called and Scarlet was perfectly fine. Tegan cried on the phone when Sara informed her. "I heard that a baby can have multiple open-heart surgeries, Sara. Especially if one failed." Sara had heard that, too. It scared her.
"We can only hope this one will go by smoothly and our baby will be fine." They couldn't do anything else. They had to treat the problem. "We can't keep her like that, Tee. You need to fix your issue, too. It's dangerous."
"But I am fine," Tegan said. "I survived all these years."
"That's because you don't have the allergies she already has and her case is a bit different. Plus, you're on meds anyway. We can put her on meds all her life but think about her future. Are you gonna sleep the night comfortably thinking she's not fine?" Tegan tsked. "Imagine I hadn't been in the room at that time."
"Please don't…" Tegan sighed wistfully. "I keep imagining if you hadn't been there, too."
"Exa…" The doorbell rang. Sara looked at the staircase then at the clock on the wall opposite to the navy couch. "That's probably my mum. It's 8:15." Her mother texted her when she arrived so it was expected to be her especially that their place wasn't so far from the airport.
Evelyn hugged her daughter till the professor began to cough. She stood there in all her glory. Sara scanned her attire sneakily as she helped brining her one suitcase inside. She dressed casually, but elegantly nonetheless. Her dark blue jeans were tight around her lean legs and wider at the bottom. She wore black leather boots with some medium-height heels in them. What caught Sara's attention was the ashy grey fur coat which she took to hang, keeping the mother in her beige sweater.
"You wear fur now that dad's dead?" she teased even when it wasn't time for teasing.
"Yeah, I thought that I deserve that money." She smiled at her daughter. Indeed, she did deserve that money.
"I think you truly do," Sara said. "I'm happy you're finally using it for yourself." Evelyn only smiled as they stood there at the door. "Let's go upstairs," Sara finally said. "Scar's asleep but she'll be up very soon to eat." Sara walked and her mother followed. "Her sleeping got messed up because of what happened last night." Sara sighed. They were having amazing fiery sex the previous night. They were so happy. Life was unfair.
"I want you to know about something, Sara." Sara furrowed her brows. She motioned for her mother to sit and walked down to the mini bar to prepare a drink.
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, yeah." Huffed the mother, fanning herself. "It's a bit hot in here."
"Oh, sorry. We keep it extra warm because the kids get cold." Sara gave a class of scotch to her mother as she held hers.
"Thank you," mumbled Evelyn. "There's something you should know." Sara nodded slowly. "Your wife's heart issue does not require an open-heart surgery. It's in the aorta." Sara nodded despite not knowing. She did remember Stephen explaining to her how simple her operation would be, however. "Rose's issue is genetically inherited from your father's family."
"My dad's?"
"Do you remember when you were very young and we were in the pool and you asked your dad why he had a line across his chest?" Sara squinted. Such a memory didn't seem so far away from her brain but she couldn't tackle it. "He said to you that one time he was naughty and kept eating the sand so they…"
"Took him to the doctor and opened him up to get the sand out because it got stuck in his lungs." Sara chuckled. She was just five back then. "He wanted me to stop putting the sand in my mouth." Sara shook her head at the memory. "It really did work. I was horrified."
"Yeah." Her mother smiled. "It was the open-heart scar," she revealed. "Almost everyone in his family had a problem. Him, your grandfather, your uncle Brian, your aunt Maeve."
"Except Uncle Todd," Sara whispered. He was Adam's father. No wonder she hadn't known. She never even heard them talking about it. She doubted Adam knew. "God, so it's my fucked up genes again fucking up my babies."
"Most of these issues are passed down from the male not the female by the way." Sara nodded again. How would she know? "I really thought you've done your research about them but I guess it's my fault. I should have told you that your father has had this issue. I mean…"
"But how would you know? I only told you about the babies when they were born." Sara knew Evelyn wouldn't have remembered either way, but she wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.
"I just want you to know that the survival rates are so high right now and that your baby is going to be alright and live her life to the fullest." In such emotional moments Sara couldn't help but shed tears until she was embraced by her mother. "You smell nice."
"Thank you," Sara said through sniffles. "I showered." Poor Tegan, she probably wanted to shower, too.
Scarlet woke up hungry and cranky. She cried the loudest she could when Sara attempted handing her over to Evelyn. "That's your grandma, baby," Sara whispered playfully, kissing the red tearstained face. "She's my mummy." Scarlet instead hid her face in her mother's chest immediately, crying as she clutched her black sweater tightly.
"I am a strange face," said Evelyn. "She has fear of detachment. She realizes she's not part of the mother right now and probably knows you're about to leave her."
"No, mum, she's just a very cranky baby. She gives us a very hard time." Sara looked down, noticing the baby was looking at her grandmother stealthily from the periphery while tugging at her mother's top. "Look how cunning." Sara giggled, kissing her head. "She also loves attention."
"She so beautiful," commented Evelyn. "More beautiful than the pictures."
Sara nodded with a smile. She knew her babies would take the cutest babies award. Tegan told her if they had beauty competition for babies she would put their daughters' names. Sara knew she was joking so she didn't tell Tegan how fucked up those contests were.
"They look like you," whispered the mother sheepishly.
"What?" Sara laughed shaking her head. "They look like their actual mother."
"Have you not seen any pictures of you as a baby?" Stacy had told her they looked a bit like her, too. She didn't say it in front of Tegan, though. "The cheeks. Same cheeks. Chubby and red. The small eyes. I know the color is Adam's, but like overall they look like you."
"Like Adam," Sara said.
"You and Adam look…like twins." Sara giggled. "You both look like your grandmother. She was a beautiful woman."
"They do look like Tegan, though. Especially when this one cries, she's exactly the same. Maybe all babies look alike…I don't…" Sara looked down at her daughter sucking at her covered chest while trying to get to her breasts.
"You and Tegan have the same features," remarked Evelyn. "You were always attracted to people who looked like you somehow," she teased with a wink.
"Mum, are you majoring in Psychology or Literature?" Sara groaned a little bit when her baby kept pushing her face against her left breast. "Holy shit," she screamed when Scarlet hit her head right there. "Honey, I don't have milk. I'm not the mummy with the milk."
"She's very hungry. Give her to me. She'll calm down eventually." Sara handed the baby to her mother and the screaming cries were resumed immediately. "No, don't cry, honey. Mama is gonna prepare food for you." Evelyn rocked the baby while Sara moved around the living room.
"I have to get actual food for her right now. Not just milk so give me a minute. I've already prepared everything I just need to get it."
"It's fine." Evelyn looked like she was enjoying playing with the child despite the continuous crying. She continued pointing at Sara moving around to assure the baby that her mother was right there.
Sara brought the bib and a couple of toys for the baby so she could be distracted while she's fed. "I'm right here." She put the bowl of mashed bananas and avocados that Scarlet somehow loved next to her. "They usually like to eat while seated on the floor. Tegan feeds them as they play or watch cartoons or she just plays with them." Sara wanted Scarlet's routine to be the same so she wouldn't feel the difference, but the moment her mother put her on the floor, Scarlet looked up at the walkers and began to crawl towards them. "Oh, God." Sara crawled after her to hold her, but Scarlet resisted with a scream until she reached her sister's green walker. "Oh, honey." Sara picked her up. "You miss Rosie? She'll be here soon, I promise you." Scarlet pointed at the walker. "You wanna go there?"
"That's her sister's?"
"Yeah." Sara took a deep breath, putting the baby in her sister's walker. "Now how am I going to feed her?"
"She'll come to you. Just make the choo train thingy. You used to do that. Just travel around the place with it and would come to me for bites every few seconds." Sara laughed a little bit.
She sat down on the couch, doing what her mother told her but Scarlet was an easy baby when it came to food. She just looked at it and moved around to take her bite, then quickly moved back to the yellow walker pointing at it.
"Yes, that's yours. I'm not getting you in there. Mummy is old and has terrible hips." Her mother laughed. "It's true, Mother."
"You're a very young mother, Sara. Thirty-seven is not old." She took her daughter in her arms, hugging her side. But, surely, Scarlet had a different opinion regarding that. She moved the fastest she could to reach her mother's legs and screamed at her grandmother. "Oh, wow. We have a jealous baby. God knows whose genes are these." Sara giggled as she fed her daughter another bite. Her daughter was too busy glaring at the strange woman to notice the spoon going inside her mouth. Her eyes widened when she felt the taste of food and her attention was taken away momentarily as she got distracted by her food, opening her mouth widely to take another bite.
Sara had to leave to the hospital after making sure her daughter was fed and fine. She warned her mother about the nightly situation with Scarlet's routine to be breastfed either before bed or when she woke up during the night.
"I'm honestly surprised Tegan still breastfeeds them."
"You breastfed me till I was five." Sara furrowed her brows.
"No I mean, they're twins, how does she have enough?"
"Oh, she has a lot." Sara hoped her face didn't become red as her mind remembered what she had performed the night before. Evelyn didn't notice it thankfully. "I don't know…she likes feeding them and they like it, so I'm good."
Evelyn wanted to say something and she opened her mouth to say it but she immediately withdrew it when she thought about how judgmental she might look to her very sensitive daughter. She was concerned that Sara wasn't really engaged in her kids' lives. She seemed like she was struggling with the baby and she wasn't very involved. Tegan had joked about Sara not being able to last a night with the babies on her own once. Evelyn had taken it as a joke when she talked to her daughter in law on the phone, but Tegan was right. Her daughter seemed all over the place as a mother and it seemed like Tegan was doing most of the work. That was bad. She wanted to warn Sara against it but she just didn't. Sara didn't like judgment and certainly not from her.
But as Sara warned, she truly struggled with the child. She could barely keep her down to change for her. The crying didn't stop, the movement didn't stop. She cried for hours in her crib while Evelyn was dozing off as she stood there trying to get the baby to sleep. Eventually, she surrendered and picked her up to the guest bedroom where Sara had put on fresh sheets for her and put her suitcase inside.
"We're gonna sleep here, together, okay?" she talked to the baby who didn't listen and didn't understand.
She lay on the mattress and dimmed the lights leaving the lamp on the nightstand the only one open. She put the exhausted baby on her torso, where her face rested on her grandmother's chest and her small legs reached her stomach. She began to shush her softly as she rubbed her back soothingly. "Yeah, you like that?" she whispered. "You're gassy, aren't you?" She continued her soothing sounds and touches until the baby began to doze off. "There you go." She kissed her head. "Maybe you like listening to my heartbeat." She laughed a little to herself.