Catharsis

by poemsandroses

Catharsis is the purification and purgation of emotions—especially pity and fear—through art or any extreme change in emotion that results in renewal and restoration. What happens if a parallel universe existed and gave both women another chance to restart what they have ended? This is the parallel ending to Halo.

46. I'm Finally Gay

Trigger Warning: mentions of physical abuse and suicide.

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Happiness was strange and selective. It came in inappropriate times when everyone was unhappy. It knocked on doors stealthily and planted secret smiles and whispered silent truths to her receivers. When the world was full of it, she was deprived of it. When the world lacked it, she had it. Was it the wrong time? Was it her time to receive it? She had experienced bits of it in the past years. The smiles and giggles and squeals she received from her daughter, the flattery from the French boys in her school, her first kiss, the quiet moments in the small nursery when Sara was only a few months old. But not more than that. Not until then.

Happiness was hers. The two days she spent dedicating her time to her grandchild brought bouts of happiness she could not comprehend its existence. It wasn't just the caring part; it was the rewarding sensation after each clap, squeal, and giggle that the baby emitted around her. Wherever she walked around the house, Scarlet followed with her walker or on hands and knees. Wherever she sat, Scarlet sat and reached for her to stare at and play with her face. Scarlet loved her despite the aversion she had shown the first moments they met.

Evelyn cooked and cleaned and bathed and fed during those two days. Sara visited again each day for a short period of time to make sure her daughter and mother were alright. When she visited the next day after Evelyn's arrival, Scarlet was seated in her lap enjoying her afternoon meal. Upon realization that it was her mother there, Scarlet pushed the hand that held her to move towards the mother, standing on her legs and taking a hold of her disheveled hair. Sara showered quickly and left.

The next day Sara visited at night to take underwear and clothes to her wife who needed to shower urgently but resisted leaving Rose in there. Scarlet was in the kitchen with Evelyn. The baby was in her chair mumbling loud nonsense while the grandmother nodded and listened and urged and spoke to the baby as if they both were carrying a serious discussion. Sara kissed her daughter's cheeks and thanked her mother who insisted Sara ate from the parmesan chicken she had prepared.

"You'll take some to your wife, okay?" Evelyn ordered before taking a seat next to Scarlet's baby chair, ready to feed her the mashed fruits she had prepared for her. Scarlet's mouth immediately opened when she eyed the spoon. She kept staring at her mother and whenever Sara opened her mouth to take a bite, Scarlet did so too then hummed happily. "You have the cutest child, Sara," commented Evelyn. "I am praying for Rose. She'll be here soon, honey."

"Thank you," mumbled Sara. Her mother knew she was not in the mood for a long talk. She just visited to make sure they didn't need anything and to take more clothes and toiletries to her wife. "Do pray," Sara whispered.

Such moments made Evelyn feel guilty. She shouldn't be happy. She really shouldn't because her daughter was in pain and her other granddaughter was in pain and her daughter-in-law, too, was in so much pain.

She really couldn't, though. She was experiencing motherhood again and she was experiencing love and affection from her daughter. She received acceptance. She told her best friend about it on the phone. It was normal, Tara told her. It's because she had been waiting for such a feeling for so long. Tara, too, felt exceptionally happy around Ella in spite of Stacy's misery. Happiness remained a secret in their souls. Evelyn hoped happiness touched her daughter and her small family, too. They were all supposed to experience that in Christmas, but fate decided otherwise.

Tegan ate the meal Evelyn sent silently. She hated how she smelled and looked and felt. "I miss Scarlet so much," she said through a bite and immediately choked on her tears and pushed the Tupperware away. "I want her close." She began to cry heavily. Sara hugged her closely despite her odor. She was washing up regularly in the bathroom but it wasn't the same.

"You can go tomorrow morning very quickly. Feed her, take a look at her, take a quick shower and then come back." Sara pecked her head.

"But Rose?"

"Rosie's fine." Sara looked at the baby in her crib with a pacifier in her mouth. "Her surgery is after tomorrow, Tee. God knows how long we'll stay here. You need to see Scarlet and just shower to feel better."

"I know I smell," Tegan said with a sniffle. "I'm sorry. You really don't have to hug me."

"I truly don't care, Tegan." Sara only hugged her tighter and Tegan only cried louder.

Jack offered to stay at the hospital with Rose the next morning. Tegan wanted Stacy to do it but her time was divided between her shifts at the hospital and between taking care of Emy and Ella. "It's just for a few hours," Sara convinced. "During her nap," she continued. "You need it."

God knows she did. She could smell herself and her baby was refusing her milk, too. She knew that when she smelled her kids didn't like it.

Her heart drummed in the car. She checked her phone constantly for any messages from Jack. They were supposed to be sitting around the Christmas tree in Evelyn's living room in Vancouver but instead they were trying their best to keep their cool throughout that time. The previous Christmas she was pregnant and was dealing with a terrible yeast infection. She sighed as she remembered.

The house was quiet when she entered. Sara didn't want to call for her mother just in case Scarlet was asleep. They climbed the stairs lazily. The closer they got to the floor above, the more audible their daughter's sounds became. Tegan walked faster until the view of the baby was visible as she sat on the carpeted floor next to her grandmother who was decorating a Christmas tree Tegan hadn't ever seen.

"Scarlet," Tegan exclaimed loudly. The infant's attention was immediately alerted. Her eyes grew wide open and her loud squeal rang in the room, making her grandmother smile. Scarlet began to crawl towards her mother immediately and very quickly. Tegan picked her up right away and began showering her with kisses. She didn't waste time and didn't care that her mother-in-law was sitting there in the cozy area. She sat down on the couch and lifted up her shirt. Scarlet, too, quickly searched for her breast and latched on. She knew the other two women were watching but she truly didn't care. Her breasts ached because Rose didn't want anything to do with her milk or her and that hurt her more. It could be the medicine. It could be her odor. It could be her illness. It still broke her heart, nonetheless. She started crying immediately.

"Shhh," Sara whispered with two hands on her shoulders—squeezing, rubbing, soothing. "It's alright, Tee. It's fine."

"There you go, honey," Evelyn's sweet voice made her look up. She held a glass of water in her hand.

"I smell bad…don't stand near me," she said self-consciously. She took the glass, nonetheless, and gulped the water very quickly.

"I don't smell anything," Evelyn said, taking her glass from her. Scarlet sat up immediately and groaned at her grandmother, tugging at her shirt. "Okay, I'll go. I won't disturb you." Though Evelyn avoided looking at Tegan's chest, the younger woman was deeply embarrassed and tried her best to hide herself.

"I don't think…," Sara began, watching Scarlet pull at her grandmother's shirt. She latched on again still side-eyeing her grandmother. "Yeah, she wants you to stay next to her." Tegan's face was too red and Sara noticed it.

"I'm sorry," mumbled the grandmother to Tegan.

Tegan jumped a little bit as she was bitten but ignored the pain and watched her daughter as she had her meal. "I hope she didn't give you a hard time," said Tegan as she noticed that Scarlet kept on pulling her grandmother closer when her eyes were closing.

"She's honestly the sweetest baby. So fun to be around," Evelyn said. "I'm not even kidding. She's so sweet." Tegan smiled at her kid. Scarlet's hand reached for her grandmother's and took her finger and locked it inside her tiny grip then closed her eyes again.

"She loves you," Sara said from behind her wife. "She doesn't even love me that much but she loves you."

"Yeah," Tegan agreed. "She doesn't love anyone so easily. Always gives people a hard time."

"I love her, too." Evelyn wished she could kiss her cheek or push the bangs off her forehead but she didn't want to invade Tegan's personal space more than she was.

Sara took Scarlet from Tegan after her meal. Purposefully, Sara kissed Tegan's lips, taking the younger woman by surprise. She wanted to see her mother's reaction. Her two hazel eyes focused on the green ones. Other than the blotchy redness on both cheeks, Evelyn didn't say anything. A smile adorned her face. Maybe Evelyn truly accepted her. Maybe it wasn't just an act. Maybe she really didn't care that Sara was married to a woman.

Cunningly, Sara wanted to do it again to get another reaction. It's like her body was searching for something wrong, was anticipating a fight, was looking for drama. Tegan, though, got up before she could and told her she was going to shower. Scarlet was trying to escape her mother's grip so she could roam the floors until she reached her grandmother near the Christmas tree.

"What did you do to her that she follows you around like that?" Sara wondered loudly. Evelyn smiled. "She's obsessed with you." Jealousy was an inherent trait that everyone around Sara witnessed, experienced, and knew about. When Evelyn laughed with other kids or picked up young Stacy, Sara threw tantrums. She was supposed to be the only one picked up, the only one played with, the only one who took her mother's attention.

Scarlet was the same. She could tell. Dealing with her was like dealing with a young Sara. It was like she was Sara's mini me; Sara's own kid. "I guess I just gave her the attention that she loves. That's what I did to you when you were a baby." Sara hummed and watched as the mother decorated. "Do you like the tree?" Scarlet turned around to look at her addressed mother.

"Yes, it's nice. Did you go out to buy it?" Evelyn nodded. "You took Scarlet?"

"Yes," she said. "I hope that's okay."

"Oh, it's fine." Sara eventually walked up to the tree and picked up her daughter when the baby pulled her hand up. They looked at the grandmother and outside of the foggy window. "You miss your sister?" Sara whispered. She wondered if Scarlet realized it. It didn't seem like it. "I miss her here, too."

When Scarlet wanted to be put down again, Sara excused herself to check on Tegan. She knocked on the bathroom's door but Tegan didn't answer. She walked in slowly. Sniffling from behind the glass door met her ears.

"Babe?" she called gently. "Why are you crying?"

"I'm just tired," Tegan said. "Why did this happen?"

Sara didn't give her an answer. A sigh left her lips but it was concealed with the running water and the soft weeping sound. Sara didn't even have an answer. She couldn't even cry. It just happened. She couldn't do anything about it.

"Can I come in?" she asked. Tegan didn't answer. She sighed again and took her clothes off. "I'm coming in. If you don't want me, say it." She opened the glass door slightly. Tegan was seated on the ledge with arms wrapped around her skin. The water was getting colder.

"Hi," Sara whispered and sat down on the floor of the tub. She looked up at Tegan's red eyes and sighed a third time. "I'm sorry."

"It isn't your fault." Tegan wiped her tears.

"Did you wash up?" She shook her head. "Can I help?" Sara stood up to reach for the loofah, shampoo, and body wash.

"Yes," Tegan said and sat back, waiting for Sara to do what she physically didn't feel capable of doing. "Did you kiss me on purpose in there?"

"Yes," Sara said immediately while pouring body wash on the loofah. "I wanted to see her reaction."

"Don't be mean towards her. She loves us." Sara shrugged. "You got no reaction."

"I made her blush."

"Sometimes I feel like you love it when people watch us being intimate." That time, it was Sara's turn to have her cheeks darken in hue. "You really do."

"It makes me excited," Sara admitted. Before Tegan's lips could release her lack of understanding towards Sara's fetish, the older woman explained as she began washing her wife's arm. "Like when I know it pisses someone off something I am doing, I like to do it in front of them or, like, keep on doing it to get a reaction out of them."

"You're strange," Tegan said. She lifted her arm up. "There's hair," she warned even though Sara was able to see that clearly.

"Do you want to shave it?" Tegan shook her head. She was too exhausted. Sara was hairy all over, too. Nobody cared.

After the body, the hair was washed. She let her wife take care of her. It was such a relaxing feeling and she could sleep if Sara rubbed her scalp longer. She felt safe and loved but couldn't feel enough. She looked up at the face above her and stared. Sara's eyes were focused on her hair. She looked down again and her eyes met Sara's breasts. They were so soft and beautiful. She wanted to bury her face inside. She looked a little bit down and watched the stitches on the lower abdomen. Her hand reached for Sara's tummy and she held her.

"You're okay?" asked Sara, looking down at her.

"Sara?" she asked instead of giving her an answer.

"Yes?" Sara was brushing her hair. "What is it?"

"Do you think I am too attached to you?" Sara looked down at her and backed away a little with furrowed brows. Her hair was too wet and her face was too innocent-looking without makeup. She looked younger than she usually did. "Like…Stacy said that I am too attached to you."

Sara got back to brushing her hair. "When?"

"Yesterday when you left so that you could check on your mum and Scarlet. Like, you took a little bit longer and I was kinda restless because I wanted you there. She said I am too attached and that you weren't going to do anything by being there. I just wanted you for comfort, you know."

"Screw Stacy," Sara said and sat down again. She took her wife's hands and squeezed them. "There's nothing wrong with being attached, Tegan."

"So I am?" Tegan said. "Like, am I not my own person?"

Sara chuckled. "Don't listen to Stacy. Honestly, fuck whatever she thinks. We're just too close. If anything, I'm more attached. Like, I don't think I can live a second without you."

"I bet you can," Tegan teased with a smile. "You did yesterday." She winked.

"Honestly, babe, I'm pretty sure you know that I love you way more than you love me." The fact that Sara uttered that thought loudly didn't only make Tegan surprised but it startled Sara herself. She looked down at their hands immediately. It's something she had been feeling for a long time and she didn't realize it was triggering her conscious thoughts until the words were uttered.

"I don't want you to say that ever again," Tegan said gravely. "I don't want to hear that. If you think it, don't say it."

Sara nodded silently. "You're all good." Tegan got up. She looked down at her wife still there and sat down again. "You're done."

"I love you more than you could ever imagine," she whispered. "Even when I don't show it." She kissed her quickly. "Got it?" Sara smiled and nodded. "You know that I love you, Sara. I used to puke when you looked at me." They both laughed. It was an inappropriate time and they both had tears in their eyes but they laughed.

Tegan was scared of her attachment. Stacy didn't mean to hurt her feelings when she saw her panicking over Sara not being around. She was just stating the obvious. Their co-dependence was, maybe, bad. Sara needed her as much as she needed Sara and even though that's partnership, it was also attachment. It wasn't only the expression that she was attached to Sara that bothered her. It's the way Stacy said it. "You're acting like a child who's lost their mum in a store or something."

She had to deal with jokes about her having mummy issues during those two years after Sara was gone. All her friends told her that her love for Sara was toxic and stemmed out of her need for a motherly figure in her life and Sara played that role well because she needed someone to take care of. They played roles. She never admitted it loudly despite knowing it was partially true.

She had a mother who loved her and her needs were always met, yet her relationship with that mother wasn't that great. They fought all the time like any mother and daughter but Sonia was the one who picked up those fights usually because of her daughter's constant fear of detachment. Tegan's fear of losing her mother made her stay up late at night waiting for her parents to get back home from their dates when she was young. She hated it when Ted got attention from her mother. She hated it when anybody did. She remembered that well. She didn't change when she grew up. She usually followed her mother around the house telling her stories about this girl and that boy and this teacher and that coach.

It wasn't so notable. It really wasn't. Tegan did have her own personal and private life which she kept hidden from her mother, but God forbid her mother did that—Tegan would lose it. She always snooped in her mother's books and drawers and closet and shelves. When she was only nine, she used to snoop around inside her mother's lingerie drawer whenever her mother left the house and would cut every sexy piece of lingerie so that her mother would never wear them. When her mother figured it out, Tegan blamed it on Ted who couldn't even deny it because he was fourteen and was already getting in a lot of trouble. Only later, Sonia discovered that it was Tegan doing that. When she confronted her one day on her own, Tegan told her mother that she didn't think she should wear such pieces of clothing in front of anyone.

"And why not?" Sonia asked calmly with a smile on her face.

"Because they are too…revealing," Tegan said, wiggling her legs as she sat on the chair opposite from her mother's. Her pigtails were moving with her as she moved.

"And why can't I just wear them for me? I don't wear them in front of people." Tegan tsked and glared. "Why not? Am I not supposed to wear bras and underwear?"

"No…not underwear with a string, eww." Sonia was about to laugh hysterically but she just nodded and kept on smiling. "I know you wear them in front of daddy," Tegan said.

"And what's wrong with that? He's my husband." Tegan shrugged her shoulder in protest. "He sees me naked, you know."

"No," Tegan screamed. "He shouldn't."

Tegan was given the sex talk that day. She hated the fact her parents did that. She cried about it at night and she felt jealous that her mother was doing that with her father.

That attachment was shaped into different outlets the more Tegan grew up. The fights increased, the shouts became louder, the struggle for power was enhanced. Tegan's therapist cracked the code and found separation during college was the best solution.

Then came Sara who, Tegan admitted to herself, looked a little bit like her mother. Maybe more than a little bit. Sara was there and she was sexy and beautiful and Tegan hadn't ever realized she looked like her mother until lately when her hair began to grow. Earlier in the shower, she really looked like Sonia. And Stacy was right; Tegan was attached to Sara like a child to their mother and maybe that was the love she loved her wife. Maybe it wasn't the same love her wife loved her. She hated thinking about that. She often yelled at Sara telling her that she was not her mother but maybe it was because she saw Sara as a mother figure and tried her best to deny it.

God, reading those literary theory books in her free time was getting to her.

"Sara told me you love mushrooms so much so I had to make my signature fettuccine." Evelyn put a plate of the creamy pasta in front of dazed Tegan. "A lot of mushroom in there and it's fresh."

"Oh…wow." The plate did look so good but she barely had an appetite. "Thank you so much."

"I truly hope you won't get allergies after eating all that," Sara said. She was preparing the bottles for both babies. Tegan was pumping. Everyone was in the kitchen including sleepy Scarlet who whined in her chair. "She's been getting those skin allergies because she keeps on consuming the same foods."

"Oh, shit, I wish you told me." Evelyn looked conflicted. Her small eyes eyed the plate as her face grew rosier in color.

"It's fine, Evelyn, don't worry about it. I'll eat a little bit now and take the rest with me. I have to get to Rose," Tegan said.

"Jack said that Stacy's there," Sara informed. "Rose's awake and they both fed her."

"Did she notice we're gone? Did she cry? Umm, give them a hard time?" The panic began and Evelyn sensed it in Tegan's octave.

"She's fine. Stacy said she's been giggling and playing." Tegan nodded, barely touching her food.

Sara, on the other hand, wiped her plate clean and sneakily took a little bit from her wife's plate until she noticed her mother's eyes on her.

"I didn't have breakfast," Sara whispered. Tegan was trying to get Scarlet to fall asleep. She turned around and looked at them. "Sorry," Sara mumbled, putting her finger against her lips.

"Give her to me. I'll put her to bed," offered Evelyn. "You guys go. I know you're worried." She meant Tegan.

The day before the surgery was restless. Tegan couldn't close an eye. Her bones ached and her heart felt as if it was going to burst open due to her pain and turmoil. She was finally able to feed her baby the night before the operation. Sara tried to play with Rose but ended up crying loudly which the nurses didn't like. She was taken out of the room by her friends so that they would calm her down. The doctors did so, too.

The three hours of long waiting outside the room felt like three years. Sara wished she could sleep like she did when Tegan was giving birth, but instead Tegan was the one given the sleeping pills out of her will and ended up sleeping on her wife's lap. Sara covered her with a parka and stroked her hair, hoping that she wouldn't make a scene about it when she woke up. Stacy had to put the pills in her juice. It was the only way they would stop her from freaking out and throwing up and crying.

Evelyn spent the whole time playing with the Scarlet on the floor as the baby released loud noises of elation despite her grandmother's concern. She checked on her daughter every few minutes for those three and a half hours until the doctors brought the good news that the surgery was done and the baby was in good condition.

Rose was moved to the ICU. She was supposed to stay there for two days to monitor her condition. Nurses were in there when Sara and lethargic Tegan entered the room. The sight of their child sprawled on a bed with tubes attached to her body made Tegan go back to her previous state of panic and made Sara freeze in her place.

"She's fine. This is necessary. She's healing," one nurse said.

"You can't do that. You should not disturb her," another said.

"You need to calm down," a third one said with a smile and a hand over Tegan's arm. She was old and looked kind. She rubbed that arm. "You have a strong baby and she's going to be alright."

It was such a long day. Everything took so long. Tegan either forgot herself on the toilet staring at the closed door while tears ran down her face or she stared at her sleeping kid without uttering a single word. She had never imagined being so attached to a pound of flesh who barely comprehended having her as a mother. She never imagined a baby would be the center of her life. She had another one but how could she even think of accepting one and sacrificing the other. God was real and he was just showing her what her wife had gone through before. Carrying a child inside you for months and months and anticipating their arrival for so long only to have them taken away so brutally? God was real and he was testing her. God was real and he was cruel.

She went back to hide her face in Sara's lap and Sara took her in and held her closely, allowing her to cry in there for what seemed to be hours until the head nurse interrupted her tears in order to show them how they were going to deal with their infant.

Rosie was awake. Thank you, God…thank you. Tegan smiled like an idiot despite the scene that broke her heart. Whenever a nurse moved the baby and the baby whined, Tegan flinched and stretched her arms to help but Sara pushed it down gently.

"She's a very healthy baby." Smiled the head nurse. "She's going to be the strongest of 'em." The nurses were moving her infant around, making her cry in her helpless state. "Of course these movements are necessary for the circulation because she's a baby and she can't walk."

"Ahhh," Sara said in realization. Her legs were shaking as she stared at the child. Tegan could sense the tension in her eyes.

"I was told she's breastfed?"

"Yes," both women answered quickly.

"That's perfect." Smiled the nurse again and jotted something down in her patients' report. "I assume in two days you can go back to breastfeeding. It helps with the healing. You should pump for now. Today she'll continue getting the fluids through the tubes, tomorrow through the bottle and after she should be solely breastfed for a good portion of time until her healing."

"Alright." She didn't care. She would breastfeed as much as her breasts could take. She would breastfeed until milk ran dry…as long as Rose was fine…and Scarlet...and Sara. She blinked. She looked at Sara...old…concerned…trying to mask her fear and sadness, trying to look strong.

At the end of the day when all their friends went home and her baby was asleep again, she found herself looking for a place right near Sara to squeeze herself in. Sara welcomed her upon realization. She wrapped her arms around her and allowed Tegan's head to rest on her chest. She kissed it once and twice and thrice until Tegan closed her eyes and began to doze off.

That was not the Christmas Eve they desired. That was the worst ever. She didn't even want to think of it.

It wasn't so great for Stacy and Emy either. Stacy's mother had arranged to have dinner with Evelyn in Sara's house. She would bring Ella to play with Scarlet and they would dine together with their grandchildren like old times when they had small kids and husbands who hated festivities. Stacy promised she would spend the day with Sara and Tegan. Emy was going to stay with her mother and sister in Stacy's apartment.

But first, Ella had to have breakfast with her mother and had to be showered and dressed so Tara had to take her from the hotel to her mother's place in the early morning. The breakfast was calm because Emy's mum was in her room breastfeeding her baby the whole time. Emy was too embarrassed and shy to talk even though Stacy didn't make her feel uncomfortable and Stacy's mother was sweet and funny and Ella loved her.

After breakfast, Ella was showered with the gifts her heart desired. She was hugged and kissed and shown so much love from all the three women that her face became red with happiness and elation.

"Auntie Eve has something for you, too," Tara told her. "But you have to shower and get dressed so you can come with me."

"She has the special candy she gives me?" Evelyn always spoiled Ella the most because she just loved kids as much as her daughter did. She baked her favorite cookies, she gave her a huge bag full of candy, and she also bought her expensive colorful chocolate that Ella just adored.

"Maybe?" Stacy said with a smile. "But you have to be a good kid and not bother Scarlet."

"I will not," Ella protested. "I love Soosie so much but she doesn't love me because I bit her cheek once," she was telling her grandmother that. "It's because she had really beautiful chubby cheeks and I was loving her."

Stacy was scared Ella would tell her mother where she had gotten the biting idea from so she interrupted right away, "Okay, enough chit-chat. Run to the bathroom and sit on the toilet. I'll help Emy to the room and get back to you."

Tara watched as her daughter helped a woman more than a decade younger walk to the bedroom. She didn't think it was weird anymore. They seemed quite compatible. Emy was nice to her granddaughter and her daughter was finally in a happy relationship.

…

While drying Ella's body with the towel, Stacy could hear the loud noises of an argument coming from outside. She paused a little and put her ears to the door. It was Emy's mum. She opened it immediately afraid Beth was fighting with her mother but the former was on the phone with her baby in one arm almost dangling from her.

"Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you…fuck off," yelled Emy's mother with tears running down her eyes. In that instant, Emy opened the door limping with her crutch and Tara came out from the living room, also standing by the door watching with her jaw almost falling to the floor at the sight of that woman. "What are you all looking at?" shouted the woman as loudly as she could. Her baby screeched the moment she tripped on her pajama pants.

"The baby," Stacy screamed and Tara hurried taking the helpless infant from her mother.

Emy watched with a frozen stunned face and Ella half hid her body and half showed it in order to get a glimpse of the breakdown the woman was having on the floor as she cried heavily and wished for death.

"Take the baby and go in there. I'll talk to her," Tara told her daughter. "Just go." Stacy held the small crying infant and motioned for Ella to get to the room. Emy began to walk inside, too. Stacy grabbed Ella's clothes and followed.

Stacy took a seat on the mattress and rocked the helpless baby. "Heyyy," she whispered sweetly. Emy sat next to her. "Calm down, calm down." She kissed her forehead and passed her to her older sister. "Be careful," she warned when Emy picked her up.

"I feel bad for this baby." She in fact wanted to cry not because her mother embarrassed her, but because her mother was obviously not well.

"Don't worry about your mum," Stacy said. She knew why her girlfriend was upset. They had talked about it the night before. "Mum's with her. She'll talk to her and calm her down." She stood up to get her daughter dressed. Ella was seated on the mattress, too. She had a blank look on her face as she stared at the two of them.

"I hope they don't fight." Emy groaned. "I hope she gets back home already but she doesn't talk to dad and I don't even know why."

"She was cussing him on the phone?" Stacy asked while putting Ella's purple sweater on.

"Yeah," Emy mumbled, checking her sister's diaper.

"You're mum's just like Evelyn." Emy looked up. "Sara's mum?" Emy nodded. "Yeah. Like a spitting image of that personality. Mum knows how to deal with her well so don't worry."

"Tegan loves Sara's mum," Emy stated. "She's nice to her. Mum's not nice."

"Yeah, now." Ella stood up to pull her jeans up and Stacy sat in her place. "Get me your brush from your room, baby." She watched until her daughter left and continued, "The amount of times mum was called to calm Evelyn down cannot be counted. Like I've seen the worst tantrums and mental breakdowns."

"Damn."

"Suicidal, too." Stacy lifted an eyebrow and Emy gasped. "Yeah…I don't think Sara has told Tegan so don't say it. There were several attempts when Sara was fourteen. Then another one when Sara was sixteen. She blamed it on her because apparently Sara's dad hadn't been sleeping with her and was blaming Sara's queerness on her."

"That's fucked up," Emy exclaimed. "No wonder she's that traumatized." Stacy nodded. "Wow."

"It was actually way worse than that. Like she needed actual help and mum was always there. She's so attached to mum…till now. Like they're joined at the hip."

"That's good," Emy said softly. "It's sweet." Nodded Stacy and took the whiny infant. "So yeah, I'm just telling you that mum knows what she's doing. Your mum's depressed and I've seen this before. The verbal and emotional abuse…I've seen it all."

"Mum's been depressed since my brother's death." Emy shrugged. "Maybe a baby was a bad idea."

"Mummy, I can't find it," Ella said frustratingly the moment she entered.

"Oh, yes. It's right here. It was behind me. I'm sorry." Emy noticed how smartly Stacy distracted her daughter by sending her looking for the hairbrush that was already on the mattress. She smiled to herself. "Look how cute little Ella is?" Stacy held the baby closer to her daughter. The child's glower was evident and her jealousy was vibrant.

"She isn't," Ella said and sat down next to her mother.

"But that's my sister," Emy said.

"She cries a lot," Ella objected. That baby did cry way too much and she was crying during that moment, too.

"I think maybe she needs some boobies," Stacy said.

"No," Ella shouted. "You're not gonna give her your boobies. She's not yours and you don't have any milk."

"Okay, okay." Both women laughed and the baby was passed to her sister once again so that Stacy could start working on her daughter's hair.

"She's just had food," Emy said as she looked at her baby sister. "She can't be crying for it." Stacy glanced at her with a bobby pin wedged between her teeth. "Or maybe she is."

"Yeah, I mean a boob would calm her down because I've never seen her not crying unless she was…" Stacy waved while putting another bobby pin between her teeth until she was able to get Ella's hair to do what she wanted it to do.

"You know it's fascinating that when a baby's upset, you'd put a boob in their mouth and they would just be happy and calm down," Emy observed loudly, earning a chuckle from her partner. "Like, next time I'm upset, it should really be…" Stacy's eyes widened in shock as her face grew red. "I'm kidding," Emy said when Ella squinted at her. "I'm just kidding."

"Ella, you're good. Now tell your grandma you're done so that you guys could go. I have to get ready to go to the hospital."

"Okay," Ella said and kissed her mother's cheek then Emy's and left the room.

"So cute," Emy said. "I hope my sister turns out this cute." She took a look at the still whimpering baby. "Please don't be a crybaby."

"Emily?"

Emy looked up immediately. "What the fuck? Don't call me that."

"I love your name." Emy shrugged her shoulders. "It's a nice name."

"It isn't," Emy protested.

"Well, anyway, try to tame down the sexual innuendos in front of Ella, please."

"Oh, sorry." She bit her lower lip, feeling embarrassed she had said that in the first place.

"We'll have sex soon," Stacy said. "I promise." When her girlfriend's jaw dropped, the older woman grinned. "I know you're horny, honey."

"Fuck," cursed Emy. "You know everything."

"Yeah." Stacy winked. "Also, sit with your mum. Like actually sit with her and try to have fun. There are snacks and everything. Postpartum is just horrible. Make her feel better."

"Yeah, I am going to." Emy sighed. "I think her diaper should be changed."

"Yeah, let me see what's going on with our mums. Give her to me." Stacy was handed the baby carefully and before the two women parted, the older one pecked her lover's lips.

…

Scarlet didn't allow for her grandmother to be absent for a second. Attention was fully demanded and presence was mandatory. Not that Evelyn would mind, but taking a bathroom break was the hardest. Scarlet didn't even hold her own bottle. If Evelyn didn't sit with her in the crib holding the bottle for her with Scarlet's hand tugging at her grandmother's sleeve, she wouldn't drink her milk. Her eyes would be wide open staring at her grandmother the whole time she's feeding her until slumber would take the best of her.

When she woke up at night, her screaming cries filled the empty house. She would refuse to stay in her crib. Evelyn would have to take her to the bedroom she was staying in and put her on her chest. Scarlet would search for her grandmother's breast until the older woman tsked and found a way to distract her.

Changing her diaper was so hard as well. She moved way too much and seized the moment to play and discover and try to impress her grandmother.

Evelyn devoured and inhaled and breathed those moments with delight. On Christmas morning, she played with her granddaughter while feeding her in the living room upstairs. After that, she bathed her and sang to her, making the baby stare with wide eyes full of wonder. Then she dressed her in the outfit Sara had shown her. It was a cute red and blue overall that she and Rose were supposed to wear for Christmas. Evelyn brushed her short bangs and put her on her mattress as she got dressed and did her makeup. The entire time she did that, she had to talk and sing and watch the baby who wouldn't want to leave her side.

She put her on the carpeted floor next to the Christmas tree full of wrapped gifts she had bought for the whole family when she was in Vancouver. She began taking pictures of her squealing granddaughter to send to her mothers. They were supposed to have a great family time that day but fate, as usual, interfered.

Then her best friend arrived and Ella jumped happily upon seeing Evelyn. She was her second favorite old person after Tegan according to the kid herself. When Tegan wasn't in the picture, Evelyn was Ella's favorite old person.

"I got you all the goodies you love, El," Evelyn said as they climbed the stairs to the living room.

"Sara has a nice house," commented Tara as she inspected with her small blue eyes.

"Yes, I'm happy about that." The older woman smiled and patted her friend's back as they climbed upstairs. "Look how cute this baby is, Tara. She's cute and she loves me."

"Yeah, I've seen them before you came. They're honestly adorable." Tara sat down on the navy couch and laughed a little at the Christmas tree. "That's your work."

"Yup," said Evelyn proudly. Her trees were always decorated with exaggeration…especially when she was happy. "I talked to Sara this morning and their other baby is doing very well and she's awake so I'm happy."

"Stacy's visiting."

Ella sat on the floor with Scarlet who was staring at her with wide green eyes and a big smile. Soon she was surprised with the bag of candy she had missed so much. A plate full of chocolate chip cookies was placed in front of her. However, the instant the plate was there, the almost nine-month old baby leapt with unrestrained excitement on the plate, grabbing a handful of cookies in her tiny hands, ready to put the whole thing in her mouth.

"No, no, no," Evelyn said while trying to take the cookies from her hand. "These are not yours. I got you something else." The baby cried immediately and Ella was watching in silence. "It's fine. Look what I have for you." The grandmother put a bowl of small round cereal Scarlet loved to eat on her own and one of small chopped fruits she also could eat on her own. "This is yours."

Scarlet watched Ella bite on a cookie and immediately grabbed her own food and put it in her mouth. "Good job," her grandmother said with a kiss on her forehead. "She's gonna mess up the floor."

"I am just amused, Eve," said Tara as she watched the interaction. "Who would have thought we would be babysitting our grandkids like that?"

"I honestly didn't ever think it would happen." Evelyn was walking around pouring coffee and preparing the snacks for her friend. Wherever she moved, Scarlet's eyes followed her as she chewed on her snack. Tara noticed it all. "Never even thought Sara would welcome me back in her life or have children after what she'd gone through. I'm just…" She sighed and sat down next to her friend. A smile was exchanged. Warmth was transferred between them. "I'm just grateful."

"I'm proud of you," said the older woman.

Blushed Evelyn. Hearing that from that one person who meant so much to her was different. Tara had seen it all, had witnessed it all, had known it all. She found no shoulder to cry on but her friend's and nobody understood her misery and inner turmoil but her friend. It was also that friend who held the biggest secret nobody had ever known but her heart and Tara's.

Those feelings she had felt for Tara were never shared with anyone. She was so young when the woman first embraced her inside her world. She was barely nineteen and without any experience of motherhood. Tara took her in and showed her how everything was done. Whenever she was around her, butterflies took over and the moments they departed she felt empty. That attachment turned into obsession and Tara noticed. She tried to make her understand they were only friends and that she needed more friends in her life but Evelyn never listened. She didn't need anyone but Tara.

It wasn't even sexual. Not at first anyway. She just wanted to be around Tara all the time watching their kids play. She wanted to listen to her raspy voice and laugh at her jokes and learn from her. She hated to admit to herself that during sex with her husband, she thought of Tara and how her sex life was. She thought of her having sex with her husband, too. She wondered if she enjoyed it or hated it like she did.

One day she asked about it. She had to. "I haven't ever orgasmed," she told her best friend. Sara was six then. Tara paused for a second to make sure their kids were not in the room and then asked questions about her friend's sex life. Questions paved the way to sexual education and that made Evelyn feel wrong and despise herself more because what her best friend had taught her made her wish only her friend did to her. She cried about it at home.

Still the self-hatred, the crying, the Bible reading and everything she had done…still made her think of Tara and daydream and hate herself even more until one day she challenged herself and kissed her when their kids were playing house in Stacy's bedroom. They were eight by then and Evelyn was just trying to get her life together with her husband but they just couldn't act like husband and wife. Maybe that's why she kept having those miscarriages. Sara was a fucking mistake and sometimes she truly hated having her.

If it weren't for Sara, she wouldn't have married Richard. If it weren't for Sara, she wouldn't have met Tara. If it weren't for Sara, she wouldn't have had those unnatural feelings for that woman.

Still, Sara was her life and her happiness and the reason she put up with her days. When she watched her play, she forgot the world was so cruel. When Sara followed her around and told her stories about her classmates and asked her to stay in bed till she fell asleep, Evelyn felt like she mattered.

Tara pushed her away that day. She looked into her eyes and watched the tears falling down. "Honey, I know you're going through so much. I know that…but, you're just…you shouldn't do that. We're both married and I know you don't feel good but I'm not your magical potion."

"I just…I don't know why I did that. I just wanted to know how it felt."

Tara tried to talk to her best friend about those feelings but Evelyn always denied them. Do you feel this way about all women? Do you think that way about women? Have you wondered about kissing all women or just me? Do you think of men, too? It's fine, you know. There are a lot of people like that. It's totally normal to feel this way for someone close to you. You just have to know how the person next to you is feeling.

No, no, no, I'm not like that. I just wanted to know…I was just curious. I wanted to discover. I read it in a book. It's ummm…in Mrs. Dalloway. They kissed. Sally and Clarissa and I wanted to…you know…know what that was.

Then she blamed it on the literature she read. She blamed it on the books she was reading. She promised she would read less corrupt literature and do more religious readings.

Still, those fucking feelings never went away. She ignored them for the longest time possible and exaggerated her love for men in front of Tara as much as she could and tried to ignore and neglect their existence. Her husband stopped sleeping with her after her last miscarriage and she stopped caring. Her depression increased and her thoughts were full of the desire to die. Abuse was around in the house. She tried her best to cover it up, not let Sara see it but her daughter was too smart not to notice it. She asked about the blue bruises on her arm and the reason she was limping and the reason she cried too much. Evelyn lied and Sara never asked too much. Sometimes she wished her daughter did.

But Sara knew. Her suicide attempts were a given reason. Sara hated her father, too. Evelyn loved that Sara hated her husband and Richard blamed it all on her.

The disaster happened when Sara was caught sleeping with Stacy. It was a slap in the face. It was a fucking catastrophe. She felt so ashamed. She couldn't even stare at Tara and hid away for awhile, blaming herself for her daughter's deviant desire. She became her daughter's enemy and her own perfect hater.

And Richard, too, knew who to blame. He knew his wife and he knew the way she was a little bit too attached to her female friend.

Even when Tara tried to explain to her what their daughters were doing was normal and she shouldn't blame herself, Evelyn didn't listen. Another suicide attempt happened as a result. She just hated herself and her daughter and those fucking feelings. She was created wrongly but God never made mistakes…but she made a mistake and birthed a mistake and her sinful feelings were placed in her daughter so that God could punish her. She had to fix her daughter. She had to make her daughter normal…unlike her.

But she never could and never did and there she was seated with her best friend whom she had no feelings for anymore with the realization that such feelings were normal and there was nothing wrong with her or her daughter or Stacy or Tegan or anyone. It took too long and Sara still didn't trust her, but there she was. Finally, there she was.

She looked down at the baby crawling next to her socked feet and picked her up. She put her on her lap and the baby stared at the other woman.

"Can I say something?" Tara asked with a bashful smile. "I shouldn't really say it, but…"

"What is it?" Evelyn looked down at the baby patting her chest. "You had three meals, Scar." Tara laughed. "What is it?" Evelyn asked again.

"The babies…they look…" She giggled and lowered her voice. "They look just like Sara. Like…literally just like her. Not even like their biological mother."

Evelyn laughed loudly and Scarlet giggled loudly to join them. "I know." Her face was red, too. "She knows, too, by the way. Just don't, like, mention it in front of Tegan. They look just like Adam, that's why. And, well, Sara and Adam…"

"Yeah, yeah…true."

"No," Ella protested, standing up. "They look like Teetee when she cries. When Soosie cries, her lips go down and it's like Teetee."

"Oh, really?" Evelyn said amusedly. "How do you know?"

"Teetee always cries. She's always crying." Both grandmothers raised their eyebrows. "She cries more than Soosie and Rosie and they cry a lot, too."

"Well, I hope my daughter isn't the reason," mumbled Evelyn.

"Watching you right now is just giving me flashbacks, Eve." Evelyn kissed Scarlet's ruddy cheek.

"Yeah?" Evelyn hugged the baby. "We look like mother and daughter?"

"Yeah, that's because you don't ever age." Sighed Tara. Not that she aged horribly. She was older than Evelyn and her eyes were still charming. Her skin was good compared to someone in her sixties and her body was just amazing. "Are you planning on telling Sara about you and uh…"

"In these circumstances?" Evelyn sighed. The baby rested back on her chest and pulled her arm so that both arms could be wrapped around her. Tara laughed a little.

"She doesn't want to let you go," Tara commented. Evelyn put the pacifier in her granddaughter's mouth and watched her doze off in serenity. "And…you don't have to tell her right now but she has to know, Eve."

"I was planning to when they were supposed to visit. I really was. I was going to introduce them…" Evelyn took a deep breath and blushed deeply. How was she going to come out to her own daughter who hadn't been able to have a good coming out experience due to her mother's internalized homophobia?

How was Sara going to react? How would she just tell her she's seeing a woman and that she had been into her for awhile and they talked and went on dates and that woman also…had sex with her? After more than twenty years of not having sex, a woman had sex with her.

Worse, how was she going to tell her that the woman was her own professor? Sara was going to lose it. She didn't even tell Tara until that woman went down on her and she had to call her best friend talking about that experience. Nobody had ever done that before but that woman.

The woman was only five years younger than her and she was so impressed that Evelyn was pursuing her education again. They chatted and talked and talked and talked until Evelyn told her about her daughter and her daughter-in-law and showed her the pictures of the twins. Then her professor revealed that she had been married to a woman and they had a nineteen-year-old daughter who didn't live with any of them anymore.

Those chats led to dates and those dates led to sex. They were keeping it a secret and both didn't like to think it was wrong but thinking about it, what would Sara say? She would feel betrayed. She would feel weirded out…maybe disgusted of her mother.

But why would she? Why would she feel disgusted? Sara never hated her sexuality. Unlike her, Sara never hated herself. Sara could be shocked. She might even feel hurt that her mother had treated her so cruelly all those years just because she didn't want her to be a spitting image of herself. She might even feel like her mother was faking that attraction especially that the woman was her professor—but…she might also be supportive. She might be happy. She might be interested. She might understand. She might forgive her. She might not even care. Who knew how Sara would react!

"Don't worry about it." Tara put a hand over hers but Scarlet refused and pushed it away quickly. She glared at Tara and put her own tiny hand over her grandmother's, still sucking her pacifier calmly. "O…kay…she's Sara's kid for sure."

"She's definitely Sara's kid." Evelyn kissed the baby's head. "Doesn't let anyone touch what's hers, huh?" She kissed her head again.

"She's always jealous," said Ella. "When I sit next to Teetee, she slaps me. She also slaps Sasa if she kissed Teetee and she pushes Rosie and then they fight and she pretends she's crying but she isn't really but she's just mean."

"Oh, wow," Tara said, picking up Ella to put her on her lap as well. "You really notice everything, don't you?"

"Yes," Ella confirmed. "Mummy says I'm smart."

"Of course you are," Evelyn said. "I have a lot of treats for you today. We still have to open presents. I got you many things."

"Yay," yelled the five-year-old child and jumped down her grandmother's lap. Her excitement couldn't be contained.

…

Sara sat on the large hospital bed next to her baby, carefully holding the bottle for her. The bed wasn't very large, but compared to the small child, it seemed humongous. The doctors told them that their baby's growth might be slower than her twin sister's after this surgery. They hoped for no further complications but a frequent checkup was always necessary because most kids needed a second and a third and sometimes a fourth open-heart surgery. They also told the mothers weight loss was bound to happen because their baby would not be able to consume solids for awhile. A high dependence on breast milk was bound to happen as well.

Stacy stayed there the whole day. She brought food and coffee and chatted. The mothers were shown how to change the diapers for awhile and how to clothe their baby. Tegan felt exhausted more than ever. She lay down on the couch and put her head back. When she talked to her parents, her voice cracked and she was barely able to lie. She just told them they didn't visit Evelyn because Emy's health deteriorated. She had to lie. She didn't want more drama and didn't want to ruin their Christmas. She felt like her body was giving up on her. The pain surged through it. She excused herself and went to the bathroom to change and cry.

Sara stared with a sigh and Stacy stood up because she had to leave. Ella and her mother were already back home. Emy and her mother were good and Beth was calmer according to the two women she had talked to.

"Sara," Tegan whispered the moment she came back. Her face was stained with tears, her fingers fiddled with her hoodie.

"Yeah? You're okay?"

"I started my period," she whispered again.

Sara couldn't help but sigh. "God, not now." Tegan squinted and furrowed her brows. "You don't have any tampons or…" Tegan shook her head.

Stacy was able to hear the whole conversation as she put some of the clothes Sara told her to take home in the duffle bag. "I can get you some very quickly. Don't worry. I'll be right back."

"Okay," Tegan said and wiped a fallen tear immediately. She took a deep breath and avoided her wife.

Stacy didn't take long at all. However, she came back with huge postpartum pads. Tegan despised those. "Had to get to my unit to get them. That's what I could find. Also, here's some ibuprofen."

"It's fine. I don't wanna leak, anyway." Tegan took what was offered to her and went to the bathroom. In there she promised and vowed to herself she was not going to make a scene as usual. Sara, probably, sighed and said those words because of how whiny and annoying she got during those and she hadn't had one in awhile and it was just not the right time. No matter how painful it was, she was going to suck it up and act like a big woman.

But sucking it up resulted in puking her guts out the moment she woke up in the morning. Not that she was able to sleep in such discomfort. Sara ran up to her to give her back rubs but she pushed that hand away and left to the bathroom. When she returned, the floor was clean and a water bottle was handed to her.

"I called mum and told her to get tampons and pads with her," Sara said. Evelyn and Scarlet were visiting. Tegan missed her other daughter dearly and wanted to feed her badly. Pumping was hurting her so much.

"I'm fine…it's fine…you didn't have to tell her." Tegan sat on the couch and closed her eyes for a second.

"I'll get you something to eat," Sara said before leaving the room.

Tegan felt too queasy to eat anything. The physical pain she was in was unbearable. She watched as the nurses changed for her daughter and tried to smile and play with the fatigued infant. Sara came back with a cheese sandwich and coffee. Tegan could barely eat two bites and sip a little bit before throwing up the contents of her stomach once again. Sara knew that when in pain, Tegan threw up.

When Evelyn visited, Tegan almost cried seeing her baby. She held her close and kissed her as Scarlet squealed and laughed and giggled. "Wanna see Rosie?" Tegan asked, wiping the drool covering her daughter's face. "Let's go check on her."

Evelyn stood next to her daughter-in-law as they looked down at the crib of the other twin, still attached to tubes and wires and barely awake. "That's Ro…" Before Tegan could continue, she noticed her baby was in tears, silent ones. "Aww she's crying," she said to Sara who stood opposite to them. Sara nodded tearfully. "She knows." Tegan began to cry, too. Scarlet turned around and pushed her face in her mother's chest and cried louder. "She's alright," Tegan said. She was could barely stand. "She's fine." She was too dizzy.

Evelyn could tell that Tegan was about to lose her balance. She held her arm and squeezed. She also put another hand behind her back for support. She rubbed the sweaty back and tried to calm the mother and the baby. "Let's sit down," she whispered. "You should sit down." Sara's brows were furrowed looking at Tegan. She walked up to her and pulled her back slightly until she reached the couch. "She was going to faint," Evelyn noted loudly.

"Yeah," Sara whispered, checking her wife's pulse. "I'll get you some water. Sit down." Tegan nodded. She really was going to faint. She didn't want to voice it or make a scene out of it. Evelyn caught her in time and Sara could tell immediately. Thank God she didn't fall with the baby in her arms.

"Give her to me," Evelyn said. "Please relax. Maybe you should sleep."

"I'm alright," Tegan said. "I wanna feed her. I'll feel better."

Evelyn averted her gaze immediately and, a moment later, when she noticed Tegan was struggling with Scarlet's latch, she got up to give her some privacy. Sara returned with the water and a chocolate bar.

"You should get some sugar inside of you, Tegan." Tegan shook her head, focusing on her baby. "Please."

"I'm still queasy," she said. A moment of silence was noticed by Evelyn. She turned around and found her daughter glaring at her wife. She looked a lot like her late husband. Evelyn looked away immediately when their eyes met. "How are you getting so big?" Tegan asked. Evelyn turned around again. The younger woman was still struggling. "I can barely hold you like that. Unlike your sister, she's gotten so small."

"You guys are coming back tomorrow morning, right?"

"Yes," Sara answered right away. "Finally."

"Everything will be ready and clean, don't worry." Then Tegan gasped and both Evelyn and Sara stared at her. "Is everything okay?"

"She bit me," Tegan said quickly. She closed her eyes and pushed the baby away. "Ugh, fuck…"

"Let me…" Sara gasped. "She's bleeding, mum." Tegan covered her chest right away before Evelyn could move closer. Her face was red with pain and embarrassment.

"Yeah…uh, this happens," said Evelyn. "It has happened to me before." She stretched her arms to take a hold of crying Scarlet. "Just wipe it off and put some cream…you have a cream after feeding, right?" Tegan nodded. "Yes, use that and…rub the area."

Scarlet calmed down when her grandmother picked her up. She put her thumb in her mouth and closed her eyes. She fell asleep without being properly fed. Tegan pumped a little bit but she could barely do anything because the pain made her feel weak. When Scarlet woke up, she fed her again. That time Stacy was there, too. Tegan was sweaty and tired. She just wanted to fall asleep.

Eventually, when hunger took over her system, she agreed to eat the homemade chicken sandwiches that Evelyn had brought. When she finished, the mother-in-law handed her paracetamol. "This is for your cramps. I can see you're suffering." Tegan took the pill immediately and chugged water after it. "Sara doesn't remember that pain," whispered the mother. Sara had left to the bathroom but Evelyn still whispered. "She used to cry and stay in bed for two days. She didn't even go to school."

"She said she never had bad periods," Tegan commented.

"She did," Evelyn said the opposite. "Really bad ones. She would get fevers and all…I'm not sure about her twenties and early thirties, but that's how she was when she lived in my house." Tegan nodded again. She sighed. "She just doesn't remember, so don't really umm…blame her."

"It's fine. I'm really fine," Tegan said, hoping for the awkward conversation to stop. "Thank you."

She didn't know how she fell asleep or when or where. She woke up in the middle of the night on the bed they had in the room next to their daughter's crib and Sara was on the couch sitting like a ghost.

"What time is it?" she asked with a yawn.

"Four in the morning," Sara whispered. She was reading a book. "Go back to sleep."

"Why aren't you asleep?"

"My back is killing me. This bed is so uncomfortable. I'll sleep at home."

Tegan went to the bathroom and returned again to sleep. She tossed and turned in pain until Sara woke her up in the morning. "The doctors are going to check on Scar soon. Get up. We're leaving right after."

Tegan felt a little bit better when she woke up. She washed up in the bathroom and changed her clothes. She ate a croissant and had some coffee as she waited for her baby to be thoroughly examined. Gradually, the cramps returned and she felt herself getting exhausted, drowsy and sweaty the more she waited.

She was advised to breastfeed before she left home so that nurses could detect if Rose found any trouble feeding. Tegan took deep breaths trying to bear the pain without any painkillers. She looked down at her frail daughter nursing slowly and smiled a little bit. She was alive and she was happily feeding from her. She giggled a little bit when Rose yawned and leaned in to kiss her forehead. When she looked up, her wife was staring at them admirably. She smiled back and looked down at the baby again.

The car ride felt a little bit too long. Tegan closed her eyes for a minute and the next thing she knew Sara was waking her up. Her eyes fluttered until they opened. The strong pain she felt made her groan immediately. She wiped the sweat upon her brow and took a deep breath. When she realized what was wrong she winced and moaned in irritation. She looked up at her wife with pleading eyes and Sara questioned with a raised brow.

"You're going to hate me," she whispered, resisting her tears. She looked back at her baby still in her chair.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm pretty sure I leaked all over the seat." Sara didn't react at first until her wife jumped down, confirming her suspicions. "I'm so sorry," Tegan said.

"This is fucked up," Sara said. She slammed the car door irritatingly. "I'll get the car washed. Let me just get everything down." She sighed and walked to the backseat to get the baby out.

"Can I borrow your jacket to wrap around my waist?" Tegan asked. "I don't want your mum to see this." She crooked her neck to check the view of the back of her jeans and huffed exasperatedly.

"No," Sara said loudly. Tegan blinked for a second before Sara continued, "This is an expensive jacket; I really don't want it to be ruined. Also, you're old enough to tell her what happened. It's not like you're a teen."

"I can't believe you," Tegan whispered angrily. The tears welled up in her eyes. "You sound like my mum that time I peed myself in the grocery store when I was five and she made me walk out in front of everyone."

Sara laughed but Tegan didn't. She felt hurt. She felt like she wanted to cry. She didn't understand why her wife was being so mean…or maybe she was just so sensitive. She didn't care. She just wanted to rest. God, she felt so tired. Emotionally, physically, and mentally tired.

Evelyn greeted happily with Scarlet in her arms. The baby almost jumped out of her arms upon seeing her mother. Tegan took her in right away and kissed her for a whole minute. Sara handed Rose to her mother and picked up Scarlet so that Tegan could get to the bathroom.

"I cooked dinner, girls," Evelyn said. "Wanna wash up and meet me downstairs?"

"Uhh…I need to shower." Tegan sighed. "I…"

"I have to get the car washed. She leaked all over it." The way she said it. God, she hated the way she said it. She blinked back her tears.

"Aww, honey, give me your clothes so I can put them in the washing machine." Rose was beginning to whine and Scarlet wanted to throw herself at her grandmother.

"It's fine," Tegan said. "I'll take care of it." She walked away as quickly as possible. She ran up the stairs, up to her bedroom and walked inside her bathroom, closing and locking the door. The moment she did that, her eyes exploded with tears and her chest heaved with breathy sobs and sniffles. She felt so choked up and she couldn't explain it. She wanted to cry for hours and hours and days. She just wanted to cry until her existence vanished. Nothing mattered at that moment, not even her daughters. She just felt wrong. She just felt empty. She just felt super sad and she really just felt like she didn't belong at all…at all…at all.

She cried more in the shower and a little bit more after it as she sat in her towel in the bedroom. When Sara came inside, she wiped her tears right away.

"Rosie's asleep but Scarlet is too hyper," she said. "I'll have to move her crib here."

"And Scarlet will stay alone?" Tegan looked up at her wife. Sara shrugged. "Can't we get both cribs here?"

"Do we even have the space?" Tegan looked around the room. It was spacious but not for two more cribs inside. She sighed in defeat. "So I got the car washed and I figured that maybe you should really try the menstrual cup? Yeah?"

"Yeah?" Tegan looked up again, wiping the wet droplets of water upon her brow.

"Yeah, so I got you one." Tegan sighed loudly when she eyed the bag in her wife's hand. "Just try it. It's really much better than these tampons and the pads you keep on leaking using."

"It's just that…I'll have to like finger myself each time inserting it and taking it out and like…ugh, it's disgusting? Like a cup of blood inside?"

"Yeah? Don't you already do that with a tampon? And a cup of blood is more disgusting than cotton of blood inside you or sitting on a diaper of blood?"

"Sometimes you make me feel as if I'm abnormal," Tegan pointed out, looking down at her feet. It was too cold. Her legs were full of goosebumps.

"Abnormal?" Sara questioned. She sat next to her.

"Yeah," Tegan said, looking at her wife. "As if you've never had periods ever. You haven't had to go through cramps or leaking or mood swings."

"Oh…" Sara sighed. "I have been there, of course." She shrugged and took Tegan's shivering hand in hers. "I just don't remember much…or maybe I choose not to."

Tegan didn't want to say anything. She was fed up with making Sara feel good about her insecurities and her past traumas and her issues. Sara had everything she wanted while she was suffering inside and Sara never made sure she was good or not. Why would she try with Sara? Sara was a big girl, too.

"You don't have to use the cup," Sara eventually said. "I can help you use it and like…it lasts for two days, but if you're not comfortable, you don't have to."

"It's fine," Tegan said and stood up, grabbing the bag resting next to her wife's body on the mattress. "I'll try it."

"Do you want me to help you?"

At first, Tegan wanted to say no but then she looked at Sara's genuine concern and remembered her lack of experience with that object so she agreed and allowed her partner to help her in the bathroom after Sara sanitized it for her. It wasn't like they hadn't done worse. Who cared anymore!

"How does it feel?" Sara asked while washing her hands.

"Okay," Tegan said.

"Can you feel it?" She looked at her wife through the mirror.

"A little bit."

"You're not supposed to feel it." She dried her hands with a towel. "Maybe we put it wrong?"

"I don't know." Tegan stood by the basin and began washing her hand as well. "We'll see."

After dinner Sara disappeared and Tegan sat down with Evelyn in the living room. Scarlet was too excited and happy her parents were back that she couldn't stop squealing and moving around. When Tegan brought Rose to the living room, Scarlet clapped her hand and shrieked happily, crawling out to Tegan's feet. Evelyn picked her up because her mother couldn't.

"You wanna play with Rosie?" Tegan held the small baby against her chest so that she could feed her. She looked at both of her daughters and noticed the difference in weight and size. "You miss her, don't you?" She tapped Scarlet's nose and the baby giggled. "I love you so much, Soosie."

"She's the best baby I have babysat," said Evelyn. "Always smiling and having fun." She began showering her with kisses, not caring that her mother was there to give her that love.

"I'm glad that she loves you," Tegan admitted loudly. "Sara was scared she'd give you a hard time. She doesn't let anyone get near her."

"She's a lot like Sara," Evelyn said as she stared at the child. Scarlet smiled and pushed her face in her grandmother's chest, patting her there. "Oh…no, Scar, I said I can't give you that."

Tegan's eyes widened in embarrassment. "Shit, I'm so sorry." She reached a hand for her daughter, trying to pull her away. The other hand was occupied with her baby's head for support as she latched on with eyes closed. "She's hungry, I think."

"It's fine." Laughed her mother-in-law. "Most babies do this. I think she's jealous of her sister."

Tegan looked down at Rose. She wished her daughter would interact and giggle and squeal like before. And then there was the other one who was probably confused who her mother was. She didn't even jump at Tegan for food but sought it from her grandmother. What if she forgot Tegan was her mother? Tegan feared that. What if Scarlet didn't love her any longer? What if she developed mommy issues because of Tegan's abandonment?

Maybe she worried about silly things. She decided to feed her after she was done with Rose.

Sara slept for too long and she excused her doing so because she hadn't been getting any sleep. Tegan, then, played with Scarlet on the carpeted floor. She wanted to feel normal but she simply couldn't. Evelyn gave her some coffee and a tiramisu and her daughter threw a tantrum because she wanted to try it as well.

"Just give her a small nibble…it's fine." Scarlet was growing up quickly and her comprehension was developing. Rose felt like she was out of place. She slept and ate and sat down and cried…unlike the Rose she had known. Doctors said she's just tired and she would need a little bit of time until she fully recovered.

"Can I ask you a question?" Evelyn shot suddenly.

"Yeah?"

"Does Sara treat you well?" She regretted the question the instant she asked it, not because she felt embarrassed or stupid asking it, but because the facial expression that met her confirmed her fears. The paleness that suddenly attacked Tegan's face, the surprise, the pause, the inaudible yet notable gasp that preceded the question—all of that told her the answer before Tegan could speak it.

"Yes," Tegan said, swallowing the lump in her throat. "Why…why are you asking that?" Tegan's face was red.

"I am just checking on you," Evelyn whispered. "Just checking because she tends to have her father's traits and I…I don't want her to act like him towards you. She's a kind person, an amazing person…she loves you so much but she can get mean and selfish, and sometimes she forgets that people have feelings, too."

Tegan nodded. She looked down at her cup of coffee and nodded. That was what Sara really was. Tegan didn't think she was like her father at all but she was mean and selfish at times…and she forgot that Tegan had feelings. "She treats me well…but sometimes…she yells and gets defensive and bossy and so we argue."

"You can just talk to her calmly. She listens and understands," said Evelyn. "She's a good person…I raised her. I know she gave you the worst picture of me as a mother and, I admit, I wasn't the best person to be around during her teenage years, but I know I raised a kind person despite her tendencies."

"She really is kind." Tegan wasn't going to deny that. She loved Sara. She wanted Sara to be around forever and she wanted Sara to love her forever. She wasn't going to think the worst of her.

Tegan eventually went to bed thinking of everything Evelyn had said about her daughter. Those little unspoken words between them; that tension, that lack of communication, that still lingering sensitivity in their relationship. Tegan looked at sleeping Sara and sighed, covering her half exposed body shivering in the cold room. She kissed the back of her head and closed her eyes.

She woke up a few times during the night tossing and turning in discomfort. She hated the feeling of that cup inside and it wasn't going away. She also fed both of her daughters while Sara changed diapers and rocked the younger twin back to sleep. They both got back into bed without saying much.

Tegan woke up again in the early morning. She sighed and sat up in bed. Sara was in the shower. She looked at the monitor. Evelyn was in the nursery. She played with Scarlet while changing her diaper. Rose slept calmly in the crib next to the couple's bed. Tegan checked on her, on her pulse, on her breathing, on her temperature then headed towards the bathroom where Sara was brushing her teeth in her towel.

"I don't like the feeling of the cup," she said with a yawn. "I'm gonna remove it."

"You can feel it?" Sara said after spitting the toothpaste in her mouth. "You're not supposed to feel it."

"Well, I don't even…" Tegan pulled it out immediately but it slipped out of her hand and fell on the floor. She gasped loudly and Sara's eyes widened at the scene. "I didn't mean to…"

"For fuck's sake," Sara yelled. "Really?" her voice was loud. "I told you that's not how you fucking remove it."

"Why are you yelling at me?" Tegan yelled back. "You're so fucking mean, why do you yell?" Her tears were quick that time. "I'll clean the floor, just leave." She pushed her wife out, but Sara pushed her back.

"Don't push me," Sara shouted. "Don't do that."

"You did it, too," Tegan screamed. She pushed again while crying so heavily she was hiccupping. "I can't take you criticizing me. Get out."

"I'm not criticizing you," Sara shot back. "How is this criticizing you?" Both were crying then. Both were yelling.

"Yes you are." Tegan wiped her nose, reaching for the toilet paper to take as much as she could to wipe the blood on the floor. "You always do," she said through tears. "And I'm so sick of it and of this and of everything. I'm so tired. God, I'm so tired. Just leave me alone."

Evelyn heard it all as she stood in the corridor. She sighed whimsically and walked to the living room with a sizable frown on her face. She put the hungry baby on her lap and focused on the screams and cries coming from the bedroom.

Scarlet looked up at her as she sucked her tiny hand. A kiss was placed on the brow and a soft whimper was the response. Babies smelled so nice and clean. If she spent all her time with her granddaughter, she would be the happiest. With her granddaughter and her new lover.

She still hadn't told Sara about her. She had been excited to do so but not anymore. Sara wasn't in the mood. Sara was being a bitch.

"Do you wanna eat?" she whispered lightly. "I'll get you some food. Let's get to the kitchen."

She placed Scarlet on her baby chair and began preparing food for the baby, but a little bit after her daughter descended the stairs with wet hair and red eyes. She didn't say anything even though Sara huffed and sighed and mumbled many inaudible words under her breath.

"Sit down," she finally ordered. "Calm down and sit. I'll make you breakfast." Her raspy voice and stern demeanor made her daughter obey immediately. "Is Tegan coming down for breakfast?"

"I don't think so," Sara whispered. Evelyn hummed. "She should eat, though."

"Yeah, well, you should tell her."

Sara hummed again. When Evelyn placed the cup of coffee in front of her, she looked up into the green eyes and asked, "Did you hear everything?"

"I did hear a few things, but I truly don't want to interfere."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't have told her that I'm as fucked up as dad then so she wouldn't have believed it." Evelyn stopped moving around in the kitchen. She looked back at her daughter with a bright red face but without any shame. It was mostly fear and it was mostly anger. "You know she's a kid. She believes whatever you tell her and now she's going to think I am mean and selfish and fucked up because you told her that."

"A kid?" Evelyn shook her head. "Wow, Sara, I…" Sara sighed, shaking her head as well.

"I didn't mean it that way…I just…she acts so childish sometimes it's…"

"You are just like him, you know. That's what he used to say about me."

"I am not like him," Sara said loudly. Her daughter responded with an incomprehensible noise. "Don't compare me to him."

"Then don't act like him," shortly, said Evelyn. "You don't have to yell and order around and boss and act like you're the…I don't know…the man in this relationship…"

"Mum, what do you even know about lesbian relationships?" Sara said frustratingly. "You're the last person who can talk about that."

"I know enough to assume that you're hurting her feelings every time you say something you think is the best for both of you. I've seen things, Sara. I'm not stupid and I can tell you're acting just like him right now and you fucking know it…" Evelyn's sentence was interrupted by the sound of the bell. She sighed loudly and went back to work on the breakfast as Sara dismissed her completely and walked out of the kitchen to open the door.

"Oh, God," she muttered under her breath, blinking twice to check if the sight in front of her eyes was real or not. Not now, Satan…not now.

"Really? So I'm just gonna stand here as if you've seen a ghost?" asked Sonia rhetorically, slightly pushing Sara out of her way. "Because God forbid anybody tells me anything and I have to know it from total strangers."

"Sonia, just…" Sara sighed and shook her head.

"An open heart, Sara…an open heart," she shouted loudly. "And you didn't tell me or her father?"

"It was her decision," Sara said. She sucked the anger under her breath and counted to ten without anybody listening. "Please just calm down. It was her decision and you can talk to her about it."

"Who's that, Sara?" Evelyn appeared with Scarlet in her arms. The two older women exchanged eye contact. Sonia paused and stared and Evelyn blinked the way her daughter did. It wasn't so hard to connect the dots. That blink, that voice, that small stature...

"Your mum's here but I'm not. Cool." And it wasn't hard for Evelyn to understand that was Tegan's mother either. The eyes, the lips, the frown, the tears, the drama…the drama. "And that's my grandchild all grown and I wasn't even given the chance to see her."

"Sonia just…" Evelyn shook her head at her daughter. There was no point. Sonia walked up to the baby and attempted to take her from her other grandmother's embrace. Scarlet screeched immediately and hid her face in Evelyn's chest.

"I…she…"

"She just doesn't know you yet," Sara said. "She's a grumpy kid."

"Where is she?" Sonia asked, wiping her tears. She looked at the gorgeous woman from the periphery. She wondered how old she was. She looked younger than her own daughter. That wasn't possible. She was small as if she hadn't ever had a kid. Her face was free of wrinkles and smooth and her smile was as youthful as a woman in her 20's. Her hair was shiny and her accent was alluring. How was that the same mother Sara had described loathingly?

"She's upstairs…feeding Rose," Sara answered, hoping Sonia wouldn't increase the tension and stress she and her wife were dealing with. "But…can you not barge in because…she's very stressed out right now and she…"

"She's my daughter…I'll barge in if I want to." Sara closed her eyes impatiently. Her mother's eyes popped open in surprise.

"That's my house, Sonia," Sara said calmly. She didn't want to be rude but she didn't want to let the woman overstep her limits. "You can't really barge in if you want to."

"I see," Sonia said, nodding. "So I'm not allowed to see my daughter. I'm not allowed to see my granddaughters. I'm not allowed to be here…"

So dramatic. Sara hated it so much. Tegan was just like her.

"Nobody said that," Sara interrupted immediately. "I just told you to stay here while I tell her because she's stressed out." Her voice was loud. It was full of fury. Her veins protruded from beneath her neck. Evelyn noticed it all. "You wanna go up to her? Go ahead…she's crying."

Sonia nodded and went right up the stairs. The mother and daughter shared a long stare until Sara sighed and sat down.

"She's a bitch," Evelyn said eventually.

"She's…" Sara didn't even want to continue. She sat down and stared into the distance.

She knew what they would be talking about in the bedroom. She had left Tegan crying while feeding the baby. Their argument hadn't been resolved. They yelled at each other until they both stopped because Rose woke up and cried. The last thing she wanted was to spend her Christmas break in such tension with her mother, her mother-in-law, her best friend's mother, and her best friend's kind of mother-in-law all around. It was too much.

And who told Sonia, anyway? Was it Jeremy again? Fuck him if it were him. She raged silently as she clenched her jaw and overthought. She stayed in that position for about an hour until she surrendered and went upstairs where Evelyn sat on the floor with Scarlet, both playing together. She joined them and began to play with her daughter's toys, noticing for the first time how much the little baby looked like her in pictures in which she sat on the floor and played with her young mother. She smiled to herself and a tear rolled down her eyes. She wondered why Sonia hadn't come out of the room and why nobody had said anything. She felt mean and cruel and bad about herself and the way she had talked to Tegan until she decided to check on the two. Everything in her avoided it, but she had to. She excused herself and her mother nodded. Slowly—very slowly—she paced towards the bedroom. She opened the door slightly.

The moment her head was in, the baby whimpered and Sonia shushed. She mouthed an apology and pushed herself inside. Her wife was sniffling with tears still running down her swollen eyes and Sonia was seated next to her. Rose was in her mother's arms.

They didn't say anything for a long second of agonizing silence. Sara took a look at her daughter, checking her pulse and her temperature. All was fine. All was well. She picked up the baby and embraced her. Sonia sighed and stood up.

"I'll leave you two alone," she said before walking away, closing the door behind her gently.

"I'm sorry," Sara whispered immediately. Her thumb traced a fallen tear sliding down her wife's cheek.

"No, don't." Tegan pushed her off softly. "I don't wanna talk about it. Just forget it."

"No, I'm sorry," Sara said again. "I was a bitch. I don't know why. I was mean and bitchy." Tegan nodded. Her tears increased and her sniffles got louder.

"I'm just very tired," Tegan said through tears. She found herself closing the distance between herself and the older woman. Her body begged for a hug. She hid her face in her wife's neck and cried. "Just hold me."

Sara put the baby down on the mattress beside them and took Tegan in her arms, wrapping her whole body around her in a warm embrace, kissing the salty tears and the wet face and shushing her softly while rubbing the sweaty back. "You're overwhelmed. It's going to be alright." Sara kissed her head once and twice and thrice until she pulled away and looked into her eyes. "Do you have cramps?" Tegan shook her head. "You're just drained?" The younger woman nodded. "Did you sleep well last night?"

"No," Tegan said. "I was worried and I kept checking on Rose." Her eyes looked down at the mattress where the baby was lying with her eyes open and her legs moving. Another bout of tears followed. "She's supposed to be crawling and running around in her walker and fighting with her sister now."

"I know, I know." Sara said and put a hand close to Rose's for the baby to take her finger and play with it, squealing loudly. "She'll do that again. See how she's playing and laughing and squealing? Give her time."

It was because of Stacy Sonia was informed. She had posted about Rose's recovery on Facebook and tagged Sara in the post. It showed on Sonia's feed that Sara had been tagged on a post regarding her granddaughter's recovery. She freaked out and booked the next flight to Montreal.

That night they had to fix the sleeping arrangement. Sonia was supposed to sleep beside Tegan and Sara beside her mother because no way the two older women would sleep next to each other. In fact, everyone noticed the tension over dinner. Sonia was stiff and angry and Evelyn was proud with a smile from ear to ear as her granddaughter preferred to be around her. When Tegan began breastfeeding Scarlet, the baby whined and screamed while pointing at her favorite grandmother until the woman sat beside Tegan on the couch while the baby held her fingers tightly and latched on in quietude. When Sara joined them on the other side of Tegan, Scarlet sat up and screeched until Sara understood she was unwanted in that area.

"That's very messed up," Sonia commented. "Why is she doing that?"

"I don't know," Tegan mumbled uncomfortably. She really didn't want everyone inspecting her as she fed her daughter.

"She just got used to her other grandmother during the time we were gone, Sonia," Sara said. "And she never liked me being around Tegan, anyway. She gets jealous and she's just possessive," she added.

"Like her mother," Evelyn said absentmindedly.

Tegan looked up at Sara who blushed immediately.

"How would she even be like her?" Sonia interjected loudly. "They're not related."

"Mum," Tegan shouted. Scarlet sat up immediately, staring at her mother in concern. "Shh…go back," whispered Tegan.

"I am just saying…like these genes are obviously yours not hers."

"The donor is her cousin," Evelyn said frustratingly. "And they're basically the…"

"It's her cousin…not her."

"Oh, God." Sighed Sara, exchanging a look with her wife.

"You just don't like the fact the babies look like Sara, you know…"

"Mother," Sara yelled. "What the hell?"

"They do," Evelyn said.

"They don't," Sonia exclaimed. "They look like their actual mother." Sara raised both brows and nodded in shock.

Before Evelyn could speak, Tegan held her upper arm to get her attention. "Evelyn, listen, stop…stop…don't…"

"She just ca…"

"Please stop," Sara said sternly. She was up. She looked like the professor Tegan had fallen in love with. Her piercing glassy eyes were sharp and angry as she stared at the two women back and forth. "Stop this childish argument right now."

"Okay, I'm done," Tegan said. "I'll put her in her room and go to mine. Mum, please, get there and I'll follow. Check on Rose."

Sonia disappeared quietly as Tegan rocked her child in attempts of burping her. She was falling asleep and had let go of her grandmother.

"I'm sorry I…," began to mouth Evelyn in a whispered octave.

"It's fine…it's fine…shhh." Sara wasn't sure if her wife was shushing the whimpering baby or her talking mother. "She's just upset I haven't told her and that Scarlet loves you more."

"Yeah…I would be upset, too, maybe."

"Mum, let's get to the bedroom," Sara said, gesturing towards the hallway in front of them.

Sara waited for her mother to leave. She held the sleeping baby so that her wife could stand up. They kissed quickly and abruptly. Both of them were surprised with the kiss. Tegan's cheeks became a shade darker. Not because she was shy; she was just taken aback. They stared at each other then giggled softly and went their separate ways with an understanding only the two of them had between them.

Despite all the anger, all the unspoken of problems, the hurt and the pain, they still had that one thing only they shared between one another and maybe that, thought Tegan, was the reason she was surviving those horrible times living inside her head.

Sara put Scarlet in her crib, rocked it for a few minutes, kissed her forehead and headed to the guest bedroom where her mother was. She yawned when she entered. Her mother looked up from the phone in her light blue silk pajamas and neatly combed hair. She removed the glasses and crossed her legs giddily. Sara squinted at her as she set the monitor on the bedside table so that she could watch Scarlet's sleep.

"I wanna talk to you about something," whispered Evelyn. Sara turned around and looked at her for a second. "What?"

"Don't mention that the babies don't look like Tegan in front of her. It hurts her."

"Oh?" Evelyn sighed. "I'm sorry…she just…I mean her mother got on my nerves."

"I know. Imagine what I had to deal with, but, seriously, don't."

"Okay." Evelyn took a deep breath. "Can I tell you the thing?"

"Okay?" Sara sat up in bed and pulled the covers closer to her body. She yawned one more time. She just wanted to close an eye.

"So…umm…" The way her mother blushed felt suspicious to her. She raised an eyebrow as she waited. "I'm kinda seeing someone?" Her brows rose up and her lips opened in surprise. "Yeah…I wanted to introduce you over Christmas when you visited but…" Another deep breath was taken.

"Who is he?" Sara sat like her mother, crossing her legs in her plaid pajama pants and Tegan's old Metallica T-shirt which she loved so much because it smelled like her. The mother and daughter looked like two gossiping teenagers, or two friends talking about relationships. Maybe, even, two lovers in bed sharing pillow talk before sleep…but not mother and daughter. Sara could tell. Evelyn's lower lip was bitten and her cheeks were on fire. "Tell me," Sara insisted.

"It's a…," hesitated the mother. "It's a she," she eventually whispered, lowering her head.

"A she?" Sara said loudly. Maybe she hadn't heard? The smile gone and the brows were furrowed.

"A she," confirmed Evelyn, looking back at her daughter. "My…umm…professor."

"A she and your professor?" Sara's stunned realization was too loud and too hurt. "Why, mum? Why?"

"What why?" Evelyn felt confused. Her heart started drumming inside her chest. "She's five years younger than me. We talked and she had been married to a woman and she has a nineteen-year-old daughter and she's a confident lesbian and…and we had sex."

"Mum," Sara's shocked call for her mother was accompanied by tears, a reaction Evelyn hadn't even predicted.

"Why are you crying?" asked the mother softly.

"Do you just have to do everything I do? Do you think this is a trend? What is wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong with me," screamed the mother. "I just really like her and I want to be with someone I am sexually attracted to for once in my goddamn life, Sara." Sara's eyes widened as epiphany hit her. "I lived a lie my whole life for you. Let me live mine now." Evelyn was crying, too. With hiccups and sniffles. "I thought you out of all people would understand."

"But…" Still she was confused. Why had her mother done all that then? Why did she have to go through all that pain? "You hurt me all those years because of who I am for you to come out to me now?" Sara felt lost and confused. "Why did you do that? You're not making sense."

"Times were different, Sara." Still didn't justify it, thought Sara. "I had to live with him. I hated myself. I loved a woman who never loved me. Everyone blamed me for my upbringing because they thought I birthed a homosexual just like me so I had to hide and cover and be the most homophobic human being you ever knew because I simply hated me, Sara. I hated anything and anyone that had to do with me. I didn't want you to be like me but you were and so I hated how you were that way until I gave up and I'm glad I gave up because I've never been happier and never thought I would ever be happy. I don't give a fuck who knows anymore. I just want to be happy for once in my fucking life."

They were both crying hysterically. Sara more than her mother. She rocked back and forth covering her eyes as her brain connected her with the lost and long forgotten wounds of the past. Each fight, each tear, each time she had to wish for death because of her mother turned out to be a result of internalized homophobia. Sara had suffered because of that woman and only Sara knew how bad it had been for her, but there she was telling her about a secret she thought she would never hear.

"Please stop crying," begged the mother. "I really didn't know how to ever tell you." She sniffled. "When he died I thought about telling you but I was so angry still. I thought those feelings were gone and I truly lived my whole life pretending they were gone."

"And then you came here for a few days' visit, made me feel like absolute shit about myself and left, mother. I just don't understand it."

"I am a piece of shit," the mother said. It was something so raw and so strange to come out of her mouth. She never articulated such vocabulary. And with that thick accent, too. "I never thought those feelings would rush like that. I mean, I did feel attraction again for a few women I met at church but they're church women, you know?" Sara just stared at her in bewilderment. "Then I met her." Sighed Evelyn. It was a happy sigh. "I immediately knew. Like I knew it, you know. I could tell the way I could tell with you even when you were just five."

"It's called a gaydar," Sara mumbled, wiping her nose.

"Yeah." Evelyn didn't understand it but she continued anyway, "I guess she didn't mind talking to me because I was older than all the young people in there. She was impressed that I was back to school at such an age and she really did love how I discussed literature. I told her about you and your love for literature which you inherited from me and I told her about your wife and your two kids and we talked and then…it happened."

"You know professors can't date students?"

"You married yours," Evelyn said.

"I almost lost my career for her," Sara said. "Professors are not allowed to have close and personal relations with students so be careful." Sara put her head back on the pillow and huffed anxiously. She closed her eyes and more tears escaped as a sob let itself out of her lungs.

"Do you hate me?"

"I just can't understand you right now," Sara said. "And I can't trust you," she added. "You hurt me so much because of this same thing."

"I was just hurting me. I was so disgusted with myself so I wanted to hurt me." Evelyn put her head on the pillow again. "I am sorry I am your mother."

"Maybe you were not meant to be one." Sara turned around and gave her back to her mother as she cried more until slumber shut off her mind. Evelyn cried quietly as the last sentence kept buzzing in her ear till the early morning.

Both Tegan and Sara woke up a few times to feed each separate twin. In the morning, they met in the living room. Tegan was there first with Rose in her arms. Evelyn was nowhere around when Sara woke up. She went to the bathroom, washed up and walked to the babies' nursery to change for Scarlet. She met Tegan with Scarlet nuzzling her cheek against her mother's neck while sucking her thumb.

They greeted each other and Sara wondered if her mother was around. She dreaded having hurt her feelings so much that the mother had left before she woke up.

"In the kitchen," answered Tegan. "Mom, too."

"What?" Sara exclaimed. Tegan shrugged. "They'll kill each other."

"I honestly don't care. I just wanna spend some time with the babies." She sent a smile towards Rose's way and put her on the small baby blanket on the floor. Rose smiled back at her. Scarlet noticed the scenery and squealed loudly. She clapped her hands and pointed at her sister, asking to be put down on the floor.

"You wanna go down?" Sara asked with a kiss on her baby's head as Tegan smiled brightly and happily watching both her daughters smile and giggle and play. "With your sister?"

"Put her down," Tegan said. "But not too close so she wouldn't attack Rose."

Sara was careful, too. She watched Scarlet closely as she sat and giggled next to her sister. The moment Scarlet's hand would come closer to Rose's body, Tegan would jump and Sara would distract the baby immediately by calling her. During one quick moment, Scarlet took the chance and lowered her whole body next to her sister's, wrapping one arm around her while cooing.

Tegan gasped in wonder and surprise, pointing towards them. Sara nodded with a soft laugh. The phone was grabbed immediately and a few pictures of the embrace were snapped.

They played with the babies until whining began to get louder and they were forced to take each to feed her. Sara took Rose and Tegan Scarlet. They sighed looking at one another. Sara wanted to tell her what had happened the night before but she didn't have the energy.

Both mothers prepared breakfast. The table was so big. Tegan and Sara immediately realized competition was present when they found a variety of omelets. Each had made her own.

Breakfast was awkward and silent and full of small talk. Sara made sure to eat from each plate. She nudged Tegan so that her wife would do the same. The last thing they wanted was to make one mother jealous of the other when they already were.

Sara and her mother barely looked at one another and Evelyn's cheeks were bright red, especially when she interacted with her daughter in law. Sara figured that Evelyn thought she had told Tegan about her sexuality.

She really wanted both mothers to leave.

The day was slow. The house was quiet. Friends called but nobody visited knowing the two mothers were there. Evelyn left the house to hang out with her friend Tara and Sonia rambled about politics while Tegan breastfed and Sara lounged with her wine and a book.

The same sleeping arrangement happened that night. Sara and her mother hadn't talked to each other the entire day and Tegan didn't seem to notice. However, when they were both in bed and Sara's back was to her, Evelyn had to address the issue, "I know you're still angry."

"Good," Sara said.

"I don't want to leave with you angry with me like I always do."

"When are you leaving?"

"When you say so."

Silence.

"Do you want me to leave?" Evelyn asked. Her tone was full of pain.

"No," whispered Sara. "I…" She sighed and turned around. Her mother had tears in her eyes. "I don't want to treat you the way you treated me."

Sara's cruelty often stung but Evelyn knew she deserved it. It was true, she had treated her daughter badly for years and years and left her traumatized. "I am sorry I treated you and treated me that way."

"It's fine." Sara smiled. Her lips quivered and her tears betrayed her. She reached for her mother's soft arm and rubbed it. "Let's leave it behind us because I'm tired of the past." She blinked the tears away. "At least now I don't have to feel so awkward and wrong kissing my wife in front of you." Her mother giggled a little. "Every time we touched, I felt you judging me."

"I envied you…that last time I visited…God, I envied you. I cried alone in my hotel room. I guess that's when I knew I needed to stop hating me because there was nothing wrong or ugly about the way I had been created."

"I just don't understand how you lived years like that." Sara sighed again and stared at the dimmed ceiling. "I've been thinking you're strong but now…I think…maybe you're just a coward."

"It's the second one," mumbled the mother.

"I have a lot of questions," Sara admitted. "So many."

"Ask me anything." The smile was in her voice.

"Tomorrow," the daughter whispered. "I'm too tired right now."

"Me, too." A long pause stood between them that Evelyn thought her daughter had slept until she decided to just ask. "You told Tegan?"

"No," Sara said. "Didn't find the right time."

..

The last day of the year required both mothers to get their daughter checked. The baby was giggling happily as the doctors examined her and played with her. Her results came after an hour and they were all positive and healthy. Tegan shed tears of happiness and Sara thanked the doctors and nurses.

Sara hosted a New Year's Eve gathering at her place and the grandmothers cooked the food. She knew that having Tara, Beth, Sonia, and Evelyn all together at the same house was a disaster but she hoped the older women would act their age that day. She deserved a happy gathering.

Emy and Tegan hugged for what seemed like an hour. Emy held Scarlet and played with her for too long until the baby's eyes fell on her grandma and she decided to crawl up to her the fastest she could so that she could distract her from interacting with the old women.

Tegan was a little bit stressed as she continued checking on her other baby and on the older women making sure they were not passive aggressively arguing with one another. They all seemed to be getting along…or at least her mother's and Emy's were a team while Tara and Evelyn were another. She didn't care as long as she didn't hear shade thrown in the room.

Stacy worked around the house with Sara, preparing the dishes, putting the last touches, checking on her daughter and the women and her partner and talking nonstop in the kitchen while Sara nodded her head and smiled.

Ella, on the other hand, just sat between Tegan and Emy who still needed lots of assistance and help.

The day went well but Sara couldn't feel her feet at the end of it. She also missed sleeping next to her wife a lot that she cried alone in the bathroom. In the morning, when she made sure her mother and her mother-in-law were downstairs and her babies were asleep, she entered the bathroom which her wife was inside of and locked the door.

"I miss you," she said when Tegan looked up at her from the toilet.

"I'm not in the place to be missed right now, Sara." Tegan blushed. "Just give me a minute. I'll get out of here and we'll talk."

"Okay." Sara sighed and left the bathroom.

She changed the sheets of her mattress until her wife left and found her doing that. "Why are you doing that? I still have my period." Tegan sighed. "It's taking too long."

"I don't wanna sleep with you."

"Oh?"

Sara laughed. "I mean I obviously wish I could but right now I just wanna sleep next to you and the kids are asleep. I wanna hug you and just stare at you."

The sigh that left Tegan's face was satisfied and relaxed. She instantly jumped on the mattress and patted the space next to her.

The moment their eyes met, their noses brushed and their lips touched. They kissed each other for a short moment until Sara pulled away and just smiled at the hazel eyes connected to hers. "I can't believe I have you in my life."

"Well, believe it," Tegan said with a grin. "Don't be cheesy." She took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. "When I remember the first time you taught me, I feel shy. I'm like whoa, she's my professor and she's seen me naked."

Sara guffawed too loudly and held Tegan's hand. When she remembered, she felt ashamed. She felt like a predator. She didn't tell her wife that. "My mum's gay, Tegan."

Tegan just looked at her. She didn't say anything.

"She came out to me a couple of days ago and told me about her new partner…who's her professor." Sara chuckled. "She's five years younger than her, though…the professor."

"Yeah?"

"And that she's always been gay and the reason she's been so…"

"Internalized homophobia," Tegan cut her off. "Your mum's internalized homophobia hurt you a lot."

"Why aren't you shocked?" Had she told her? "Did she tell you?"

"No." Tegan sighed. "I just could feel it. It's called a gaydar, you know? I could tell the first moment I saw her. The way she stares, the way she speaks, the way she blushes…it's very clear to me."

"How?" Sara asked in wonder. She had always thought her gaydar was on point but it had failed her with her own mother.

"I can just tell when someone is gay…like I could tell with you and you could tell with me. I guess you couldn't tell because she's your mum and she's always been there and always made you hate yourself the way she did."

"And people knew about her. Dad did and he always shamed her. He blamed her for catching me with Stacy. He thought she's the reason why and it's her upbringing and genes." Tegan tsked. "He hit her that day. I remember." Sara blinked the tears away. "She really did suffer."

"I'm glad we don't live in such an age anymore. I'm glad."

"Me, too," Sara said. "I wish nobody hurts the girls."

"I'll haunt down anyone who even thinks about hurting my babies." Tegan smiled to herself. "I can't believe I have these two humans whom I love so fucking much, Sara. Like I fucking love them." She was tearing up. "I never imagined it would happen."

"They're part of you...beautiful souls which came out of your own beautiful soul."

"I love when you're cheesy, I gotta admit."

"It's the truth." Sara winked. "Kiss me," she asked the instant their eyes met again.

Tegan kissed her.