This took a year to finish. Show some love...or constructive criticism!
Sara's feet were tangled up in her own and Sara's head was too close to hers. She was on the edge of the bed with eyes closed but mind working overtime to the melody of her wife's soft snores from beside her.
The door partially opened; she could hear noises coming from outside—from downstairs. The sound of the air condition muffled most of them. She shivered underneath the covers, but her wife was unbothered in her half naked state.
She opened her eyes and looked at the sweet face beside her. Her small eyes inspected the features. Sara's skin glowed as the shy rays of the sun hit her brow. Her lips were apart and her complexion was ruddy and relaxed. No aging marks appeared, for she didn't glare nor furrow her brow or squint. She looked beautiful. She looked like the heartache inside Tegan's chest, the guilt, the lack of understanding, the…
"Nanan," a voice interrupted her thoughts. She turned around and squinted at her child by the door. "Nanan," Scarlet squealed and walked up to her.
She sat up immediately and picked up her fifteen-month-old kid. She was dressed in green shorts and a yellow T-shirt. Her small sneakers were on, her hair brushed, and her face clean. She smelled beautiful. Tegan looked up and found her mother's head at the door. Her mother waved.
"Thank you," mouthed Tegan before her mother could leave.
"Baby," Scarlet said.
"Baby?"
"Baby," she repeated, a little bit louder. Sara's snores became more audible as she moved in response. Scarlet glared at her sleeping mother.
"Did you wake grandma up or did she wake you up?" Tegan sighed. She didn't have the monitor with cameras with her so she couldn't check on Rose. "What about Rosie?"
"Woozie," Scarlet answered immediately.
"Is she sleeping?" Tegan asked as if her toddler was going to give her an answer.
"Baby," Scarlet squealed. She tugged at her mother's large brown t-shirt.
"Boobie or baby?" Tegan asked. "You better not have said boobie in front of grandma."
"Baby," Scarlet said with a whine. She looked at her sleeping mother and, in a quick second, her small palm came in contact with Sara's lips.
"No, no, no," Tegan shouted, removing her daughter's hand as she continuously slapped her mother's face.
"What the…" Sara sat up quickly, sneezing and wiping her eyes. "Wh…Scarlet, what the fuck?"
"Fuck," Scarlet repeated.
"Nooooo," Tegan said. She bit her lower lip and glared at her wife. "We don't say this."
Sara yawned loudly, making her daughter wince at the voice. "What's up with this child?"
"She hates loud voices, I guess," Tegan said. "Or maybe you're just annoying her."
Sara sighed. "I'm so sleepy." She lay down on her pillow again and closed her eyes. A moment of silence stood in the room until Sara opened her eyes again. "Where's Rose?" she asked again.
"I think she's still asleep. Mom delivered this one here all dressed and neat. She's been asking for 'baby' for the past ten minutes, but…"
"Baby," Scarlet remembered. She looked all around her. "Baby, baby." She jumped off her mother's lap and pulled her sleeves again.
"Maybe Tanya's over and her baby's here?" Sara suggested and Tegan opened her mouth in realization. They hadn't seen Tanya and her newborn since the day they arrived four days before, so it made sense her daughter would do that.
"You wanna see baby?" Scarlet crouched in anticipation, clapping her hand. "Oh, you really wanna go downstairs. How cute you are." Tegan put her feet on the floor and yawned. She looked back. Sara's eyes were closed again. "Okay, I'll take you with me to the bathroom and then we'll see the baby." She picked up her kid and walked out of the room.
Writhing and moaning to see the baby with her mother, Scarlet gave Tegan a hard time in the bathroom. The mother washed up and brushed her teeth while her child moved around between her legs, bantering non-stop about the baby. Tegan couldn't even change her clothes or put on a bra. Scarlet held her hand and walked with her down the stairs, pointing at the direction of the sounds in the kitchen.
"Oh, hi," Sonia said cheerily. Tanya was seated at the table. Her son was in Sonia's arms. They both had cups of tea in front of them.
"Hi, mom, Tanya."
"Baby," Scarlet interrupted loudly and cheerily before her mother could continue speaking.
"Yes, baby. Let's sit down so we can take a look at him," Tegan said. She picked up her daughter and sat down next to her mother. Scarlet squealed, smiled, and clapped, making the women laugh. "She can't sit on a chair on her own till now. She'll fall down so I have to keep holding her," she explained when her mother looked at her peculiarly.
Sonia didn't want to make a scene out of it. She had a feeling about it, but her eyes couldn't lie to her any longer. Tegan's shirt presented an embarrassing wet spot stamped on her right breast and a smaller one on her left breast. She must have not noticed. Sonia didn't wish to point it out. When Scarlet woke up, she also asked to be breastfed.
"Did she wake you up?" Tegan asked.
"No, not at all." Sonia handed her grandchild to his mother, making Scarlet's head turn toward the other direction. She stood up to get her daughter some breakfast. "I was talking to your dad and we heard loud banging coming from Ted's bedroom. First we thought it's your room or that you were in Ted's bedroom, but I got worried. I got there and she was attempting to get out of the crib."
Tegan tsked and sighed. She looked at her daughter, wondering silently why that kid was so energetic. "I don't know why she's like this. She wasn't, really. She was the quiet one. Now it's the opposite."
"Yeah, she woke her sister up, and we were lost between shrieks of mommy and Nanan. Stephen got the bottles we saw in the fridge last night and they both calmed down. Rose went back to sleep, but this one was wide awake so I changed for her and got her all dressed up and took her downstairs with me."
"Oh, mom, I'm so…"
"No, no…" Sonia interrupted, laughing. "I had missed that, honestly. Yeah, she looks like Sara a lot but that's really you as a baby." Tegan and Tanya laughed a little. "Your dad held her while he had breakfast and she just wanted to have whatever he put in his mouth, and then Tanya came and she saw the baby and went crazy."
"She threw a tantrum wanting to hold him," Tanya said." We made her sit and put him on her lap and she held him." Tegan's both mouth and eyes were agape. She looked at her independent daughter amusingly as the toddler was mouthed nonsense to her baby cousin.
"And then I mentioned your name and she remembered you and you should have seen the rampage of Nanans which were called. I had to take her upstairs because she wasn't letting Tanya breastfeed." Tegan's face became red. Her mother noticed. She looked at her daughter again and smiled.
"She really wanted me to see the baby," Tegan said. "Thank you for taking care of her."
Sonia put a breakfast plate containing an omelet and sausages in front of Tegan. She kissed her head and hugged her from behind. "I'm proud of you," she whispered. Scarlet stopped the interaction with a screech. "Alright, alright, I'm not taking your mother away from you."
Tegan sighed and continued eating and feeding her child at the same time until Sara's form appeared at the kitchen door, holding Rose's both hands and guiding her toward the kitchen while the baby slowly and fearfully moved both feet.
Sara did that every day. Her mother told her it would encourage the baby to walk like her sister. Scarlet was fast and not scared at all. When she saw Sara guiding Rose, she would squeal and walk up to them, encouraging her own twin sister.
"Good morning," Tegan greeted first. Her wide smile and glittering eyes made her wife smile back.
Scarlet was alerted immediately. She squealed at her sister who squealed back and let go of Sara's hand to wave. "Woozie," Scarlet said, pushing herself down, begging her mother to let her go.
"Alright, alright," Tegan mouthed exasperatedly.
Scarlet walked up to her other mother and sister. Sara stopped and knelt down, still holding Rose who was too overwhelmed with the attention with eyes wide and lips quivering.
"Rosie, say hi to Soosie," Sara whispered.
"Hi," Scarlet said.
"No, no, let Rosie say it." Tegan, her mother, and Tanya were watching attentively. "Say hi, Rosie."
"Hi," Rose said shyly, knowing full well she was the center of attention.
"Good job." Sera kissed her temple. "Now, Soosie, give Rosie a morning kiss." Sara's favorite part was enacting what Tegan had taught the children to do in front of everyone. They were so proud of their kids.
Scarlet kissed her sister's cheek.
"Yes, Scarlet, amazing." Her mother kissed her temple, too. "Now, Rosie, give Soosie a kiss and hug each other."
Rose did what she was asked to do and Scarlet embraced her tightly, making the room go in little "awws."
"I love you, two." Sara kissed both of their heads and picked them up, each in one arm.
"Wait, let me take a picture of you," Sonia said excitingly, hand on phone already. Tegan stared at her wife's attire, making sure she was not in her pajamas.
Sara was not dressed up, but was in comfortable blue shorts and a sleeveless black shirt tucked underneath. Her hair was combed into a ponytail and her scent was that of summery freshness. When she sat next to Tegan at the table, Tegan felt so self-conscious about the way she looked. She looked down at her top, noticing the stains her breasts had produced. She looked up to find Sara's gaze at her. A smile appeared on her wife's face. A smile she couldn't reciprocate.
Sara wanted to go out after breakfast. Despite Tegan's urgent need to stay home alone, she ended up accompanying her wife after Sara's insistence that they should leave the house. "It's summer," Sara said. "We haven't traveled all the way here to stay home."
Sara wanted to go shopping for the kids and herself since clothes cost her less than they did in Montreal. She also wanted to take the kids out and not lock them inside the house. Tegan dressed them and helped herself into comfortable sweats, and they both left in an Uber.
"Here," Sara handed her a visa card once they got to the mall.
"What's this?"
"I created an account for you connected to our joint account and I transferred some money there so you can spend comfortably without feeling like I'm monitoring you."
Tegan chuckled a little, then nodded. "Thanks."
"If you want something, please get it."
"Fine," she said, pushing her kids' stroller. She wanted new sex toys for herself but she wasn't going to get them, never going to tell Sara about it or use Sara's card.
She got an iced latte' and allowed Sara to drag her from one store to the other. Sara bought a few shirts for herself. She tried them in front of Tegan. When she commented that she had put on a little bit of weight to herself and needed new bras, Tegan agreed.
Sara ignored her wife and moved to the lingerie section. She grabbed a pack of cotton undies for her and her wife as Tegan had suggested and then pushed the stroller to the bras section.
"Boobie," Scarlet said enthusiastically while she was trying to find a proper size.
As if called to join, Rose, perked up and pointed at the light blue bra in Sara's hand. "Boobie?" she said softly and smiled.
Sara laughed a little and nodded. "Yeah, this is a bra for mommy's boobies." She looked up at Tegan who was trying her best to camouflage her existence in the section she hated the most. "I gotta try these on. Can you handle it?"
"Yeah?" Tegan rolled her eyes and began pushing the stroller to the changing rooms. "Just hurry up, please."
"Okay," whispered Sara and walked in. A few minutes later she left and headed toward the cashier.
"The shirts, too?" Sara nodded. She looked back at Tegan and smiled. Tegan didn't smile again.
"Are you okay?" Sara asked when they left the store.
"Yeah. My feet hurt."
"Sorry. We'll sit somewhere. I just need to get into this little boutique. It has the cutest toddler swimsuits and I really wanna get them ones." Stephen had brought a small inflatable pool home, so Sara could begin teaching them in it before throwing them in the water. They didn't have any swimsuits. She put them in their diapers first but Scarlet was learning to take her clothes off and almost removed her own diaper. Sonia suggested getting them swimsuits and that was the reason Sara wanted to go to the mall in the first place.
"Sara, these are expensive for a baby who won't wear them but, like, once," Tegan pointed out while looking at the prices. Sara nodded in agreement. She looked disappointed. She looked down at her kids and they were asleep in the stroller.
"Oh, my God, they look so adorable." She knelt down in front of them, snapping a picture of the big red cheeks and double chins. Rose was snoring the way she herself usually did and Scarlet looked free of all the malice she would project when awake. "Scarlet looks peaceful for once."
"Tegan? Is that you?" Sara looked up. She stood up immediately when she saw a woman with long blond hair standing there in formal attire staring at her wife. Tegan's face was red and her smile was hesitant.
"I'm Laura? Remember me?" She laughed. "Wow. It's been so long."
"Yeah, yeah. I do." Tegan chuckled. Of course she remembered her. How could she not remember the girl that tortured her throughout her high school years? That was the last person she wanted to see on that shit day. "It's been…long…yes."
"Oh, God, I'm sorry. Hi," the woman said excitingly and enthusiastically. She extended her arm out to shake Sara's hand. "I'm Laura. I was with Tegan in high school."
"Ahhh," Sara said with a raised brow. She got it.
"You guys are…" Laura pointed awkwardly. "I mean I heard that you moved to Canada for college and now you're actually with a girl?" Tegan blinked and Sara looked down to conceal a smile. When she did, she realized Scarlet was already awake with the angriest face a toddler can have. She couldn't help but smile widely at her.
"Umm yeah…that's…that's the girl," Tegan said.
Sara shifted her gaze from her daughter's up to the tall woman. "I'm the girl," Sara confirmad. "The wife," she added.
"Wow." Laura said. "Married and…" She looked at the stroller. "A kid," she whispered."
"Two," Tegan said with a sigh. She didn't say it with sadness. Her tone was just sarcastic. She looked at Sara and finally smiled when Sara looked like she was holding a laugh. Scarlet was giving the woman the death stare.
"One is asleep but the other is awake and I can tell she looks a lot like you," she said to Sara.
"That's what everyone says," Sara said.
Laura picked out two swimsuits and held them up for Tegan's eyes. "You like these?"
"Umm, we were just…loo,"
"Relax," Laura said with a little laugh. "It's on the house. A gift."
"No, no, no," Sara said quickly. Her pride wouldn't let her. She grabbed her wallet from her back pocket and took her credit card out. The other woman was already putting the pieces in bags.
"Laura, no, it's…Please…"
"Tegan, let me," she said. "For all the times I made high school a living hell for you," Laura smiled genuinely. "I own the place and I have other branches, too. We're franchising, so soon we'll be in Canada. So you can always be a loyal customer." Laura winked.
"You own it?" Tegan asked, taking the bag from Laura.
"Yup. My dad died. Inheritance money and now I have my own business."
"Wow. That's nice," Sara said.
"Yeah," Tegan agreed softly. "Thank you," she smiled.
"No need. Nice to meet you, wife."
"It's Sara," Sara said. "Nice to meet you, too, and thank you."
Tegan couldn't hold it in once she sat down. Her silence was sharp and resonant. Sara pushed the stroller outside the mall and Tegan walked behind her. She was tired with aching feet and a crying back. They walked for five minutes under the heat of the sun. Sweat began coating her brows. She looked down at the children finding them asleep again. She covered Scarlet's face with her hat the way her sister's was.
"What are you looking for?" Tegan snapped at her once she noticed Sara was searching for something using her phone's map.
Sara looked at her for a second, displeased with the tone. "A restaurant? It's called Leaves."
"That's expensive as fuck," Tegan said. She took her phone from her and zoomed in. "There's, like, a small cafe down the street. Follow me." She huffed and sped ahead. Sara bit on her lower lip and followed.
When they sat down, Sara's eyes pierced through her wife's teary ones. "What now?" she said in a loud whisper.
"She has her own business," Tegan said with a tear rolling down her face. "Look at her. She used to fail."
Sara nodded.
"She was my worst bully."
"I'm sorry," her wife whispered. "I noticed."
"She came up with the name titty Tegan." Sara shook her head frustratingly. "And now I'm charity to her."
Sara sighed. "You're not." Tegan shook her head, wiping more tears. "She's just trying to be nice. People change and grow up." Sara looked at the menu. "We should eat. What do you want?"
"Why are you spending so much?" her wife asked with a sniffle. "Do you have the luxury to splurge?"
"Having lunch with my wife is spending too much?"
"Look at how many things you've bought." Tegan huffed and took off her jacket. Her muscular arms caught Sara's attention. She missed watching her in attractive clothing. "Can you really afford doing that?"
"We're not poor, Tegan," Sara whispered. "Why are you acting like we're poor?" Tegan chuckled and rolled her eyes. "The house you live in is almost every person's dream," she raised her voice. "The car we have, the rooms, the designs, the food…every fucking thing. Look at you and your lifestyle."
"Yet we are in debt," she said through gritted teeth. "You have to count every penny at the end of the damn month. You have to worry about gas. You have to worry about what you're going to feed them…diapers…you worried about diapers last month."
"It's because we're saving to put them in the best schools." She picked up whiny Rose from her stroller. "Hey, baby, shhh." Rose wiped her eyes and put her head against her mother's chest after inserting her thumb in her mouth. "And we're in debt to my mom. Not a strange…."
"Wait, did you borrow money from your mom again before you came here?" Sara didn't look at her. She looked at the menu one last time. Her leg shook underneath the table. "Fuck you," Tegan whispered agitatedly. "A fucking broke-ass professor…fuck you."
Why did she have to put up with this? She could just yell at her. Tell her to shut up. Tell her to respect her. Ask her to work. Tell her that she was useless. That if she wanted more money she would work, too. Tell her to go fuck herself.
Why did Tegan hate her so much?
"Why don't you…work?" she said with trembling lips.
"I'm raising the kids you wanted." Tegan drew a faint and fake smile. She looked down at the menu and decided what to order. "I want the jalapeno poppers and chicken tenders with a berry smoothie."
"Okay," Sara said. "When the waiter comes, tell them." They looked into each other's eyes for a long minute, both unable to stand the presence of each other but none of them had the courage to word it.
They had their lunch in silence mildly interrupted by their children's whining. Sara ordered an Uber back home right after. The silence dragged on until they arrived home and Sara took too long in the bathroom. Tegan knew she was running away from her and her crying kids, but Tegan could take it no more. She burst in on her wife who sat on a closed toilet seat as Tegan had expected, eyes glued to her phone.
"Get out," Tegan shouted.
Sara looked at her for a long second but did not answer nor move.
"Fucking get out," Tegan screeched. Sara's eyes widened. "I can't take their fucking crying and screaming alone." She was crying, sniffling, and wheezing. Sara stood up without saying a single word. "And you keep on leaving me with them alone and I'm just tired."
"When did I leave you alone with them?" Sara mumbled to herself and walked out of the bathroom, huffing and puffing. She knew her wife was following.
"I want you to take them and leave."
"Huh?" Sara picked up screeching Scarlet and began to rock her.
"Leave," Tegan said with a hiccup and more tears. "Leave my room."
Sara nodded quietly and, with a loud sigh, picked up Rose with her other hand—something she truly hated when Tegan did but had to do it herself even though the babies were too heavy to both be picked up like that. Scarlet could walk. She should have just held her hand and guided her out of the room.
She heard the sound of the lock. Tegan had made use of it. It was loud, resonant, and rebuking. She guided her kids to Ted's bedroom and put them down one after the other. She closed the door and lay down on the floor between the two cribs.
Scarlet stood up immediately and started looking around the room. Rose sat up next to her mother and stared at the tears that fell in silence.
Rejection became her life's accompanying fiend. It always followed. All the girls she had loved before, then Jack, and now Tegan. She knew it was a matter of time. She had seen this before. Was it her fault? Something wrong, probably. It was all her. She was not normal. Everybody left.
She lay down on the floor and sobbed like a child while her kids hovered above her. Why didn't Tegan want her? Why didn't Tegan love her?
Maybe she was overthinking it. Tegan was just tired. Maybe. Maybe. She closed her eyes and hiccupped, swallowing tears and snot.
A gasp left her breath when Scarlet put her butt on her face. She pushed the child immediately. "Really? Out of all the places, you chose to sit on me?" Scarlet giggled and put her palm on her face. She pinched her mother's cheek and giggled again. Sara giggled, too. Her tears ran and her laughter grew louder.
"Boobie?" Scarlet said gently. She patted her breasts which made her sigh and shake her head. "Boobie," Scarlet repeated. Rose crawled up to them and chanted along.
"No boobie," Sara said. "Only Tegan has boobies. I don't."
Tegan, meanwhile, had kicked her shoes off, had taken her jacket off, turned the AC on, and covered her entire body with the duvet. She cried herself to sleep, an escape mechanism she loved so much. No thoughts, no worries, no anxiety, no feeling like shit. Just sleep.
One day she was going to get out of this state. It was bound to happen. One day. Just not that fucking day…or week…month…God, she wanted to feel like Tegan. Young Tegan who had once been so in love with her professor that her stomach turned and churned. Where had the professor gone?
She closed her eyes and painted an old scenario in her head. Poetry and protagonists armored with romantic love. Tortured souls and tired cliches of literature that she drew Sara and herself inside so that she could grasp the scenes and enjoy what she read every day.
Sometimes she truly missed her. That luscious body and soft skin…so soft and creamy and beautiful. Like that morning in those shorts. Her skinny legs looked attractive for once. Sara had always been self-conscious about her chicken legs. They were so thin unlike her hips, thighs, or breasts. Tegan had never noticed that when she was her student. She used to be all skinny and frail-looking but nothing in particular stood out for Tegan to notice. She had been so blinded with love.
Now she noticed. Every flaw…every insecurity…every imperfection.
She was sure Sara noticed her flaws, too.
She was sure Sara hated her breasts, how saggy and disgusting they looked. Or those nipples. God, so fucking gruesome. She felt so embarrassed when she breastfed in front of Emy and Rose sat up, exposing her bare breast to her friend's eyes.
Emy didn't comment or say anything. She averted her gaze quickly. However, before she did, she flinched, her eyes squinted, and a brow rose. It was too quick to be noticed, but Tegan did see it. She noticed it too well and so she joked about it right away, "Sorry about my disgusting tits." She chuckled right after. "Breastfeeding isn't sexy."
"I didn't see a thing," Emy said…or lied. Probably lied.
"Good," Tegan decided to let it go.
"Also, I've seen lactating nipples. My mother breastfeeds." Emy didn't let it go. "Oh, and Stacy's." She shrugged.
"Stacy's?" Tegan asked.
"Yeah. She insists her breasts were different before Ella. I just don't really care. Tits are tits." Tegan didn't say anything after. She just hummed, knowing too well her best friend had just seen her breast and that's why she was over-explaining.
But Sara, like Emy, didn't care as well, or maybe she, too, lied. Whenever Tegan asked her, Sara would say she'd do anything to breastfeed the babies and help Tegan with the load. There were drugs. They both asked. However, Sara's hormones were those of a menopausal woman. Nothing worked for her.
That's why when Scarlet made a fuss about her need to be nursed while the mother and her two children were banished in Ted's room, Sara's mind lit up with an idea. Nobody could see. Nobody knew. She wanted to know the feeling and her daughter insisted with loud shrieks and cries.
"Come here," Sara whispered, putting her on her lap. Her heart drummed loudly. She couldn't hear it, but she could feel it banging through her ribcage as she unbuttoned her shirt and pushed down the left cup of her bra. Scarlet, through tears and hiccups, held onto her and latched on immediately. Sara's eyes widened at the feeling. The teeth disturbed her. It wasn't like that time Scarlet was an infant and latched on.
Rose crawled up to her and whined. Sara was too engrossed in her daughter's failed attempts to find food to notice Rose's ascending cries. Sara, too, resumed her tears when she was bitten harshly. She screeched a little bit and Scarlet opened her eyes to look at her. "I don't have anything. See?" She sniffled, having enough, beginning to push her indomitable daughter.
"What's going on?" Sara looked up as the door opened at the same time the voice came through. Sonia's eyes opened in confounded shock. "What are you doing?" she said in a loud whisper. Sara's embarrassment, shame, and surprise made her tears increase and the sound of her weeping rise. Sonia tsked and walked up to her.
Scarlet had let go after a surmountable amount of biting that had caused her mother to bleed. Once she tasted the blood, she finally gave up and let go, resuming her tears as hunger and despair washed over her. Sonia picked her up and put her on the carpeted floor next to her confused sister. Both cried together. She put her hand up for Sara to hold, helping her stand up as the professor looked down at her breast, horrified at the scene that she had idiotically caused to herself.
Sonia pushed her down on the one recliner in the bedroom and grabbed a few tissues from the box she found on the dresser. She handed them to her daughter-in-law. "Does Tegan have any nipple cream?" Sara nodded. "Let me get it to you."
Before Sonia could leave, Sara interjected, "No, don't."
"I won't tell her." But what would she say? Why would Sonia need something like that anyway? "I don't know what to tell her, though. Why did you do this?"
"It's not that." Sara took a deep breath and sniffled one last time. "She locked me and the girls out of the room." Sonia furrowed her brows. "I don't know why. She just did. Scarlet was hungry…I…"
"God, I knew she was lying to me when she said she weaned them. Weaning isn't easy. It's not a push of a button. I just didn't argue because she'd think I was interfering." Sonia sat down on the floor next to her grandchildren and sighed. "You have to sanitize this. Your nipple would fall off if you…" Sonia's words were interrupted by Sara's opened mouth. "I'm not kidding. It's a thing. She bit you hard."
"I just wanted to know how it felt like."
"Like shit," Sonia said immediately. "I don't know why you're so obsessed with trying it. It feels like shit. I could barely do it. Thankfully Tegan didn't like me breastfeeding her and I never did it with Ted anyway. It just feels horrible. So weird."
"Why does Tegan like it?" Sonia shrugged. "She can't let go."
Sonia sighed. "Maybe it brings her comfort. That's what she told me last time." Sara nodded. It did. She knew it did. "She should see a therapist."
"I've been telling her." Sara began buttoning her shirt after keeping the tissues inside her bra. She didn't know if she was still bleeding, but she felt exposed. "She just hates it when I make any suggestion."
"Yeah, that's Tegan. She doesn't even want to get the heart surgery done. She doesn't want to stop breastfeeding. She doesn't want to go back to work. She just wants to mope. That's my daughter. I had to live with this personality for 18 years." Sara didn't say anything. She saw what Sonia meant, but she just hated how that mother could barely stand her own daughter. "I'm just worried."
"Me, too," Sara looked down at her fingers. "I know you think I'm to blame and I think I am, too. I'm trying to help her, but she keeps pushing me away."
"At this point all I can ask of you is to put up with her until she's back to her old self." Sonia picked up one kid with a long sigh. "They stink," she mumbled to herself.
"I should have changed for them; I'm sorry." Sonia was getting ready to change for Rose. She put her on the changing table she had prepared for the couple before they arrived. Scarlet stood up with her resumed crying. "They're hungry," Sara remarked.
"Yeah. I'm not sure if Tegan pumps and where she stores it, but I can make them something to eat."
"She does," Sara said. "Umm, she doesn't store it. Pumps and feeds." Her mother-in-law raised one brow while looking at her. "She doesn't do that at home. We store it in the fridge, but now."
"It should be stored," Sonia answered quickly, directing her attention back on the baby she was changing for.
"Tell her when she wakes up," Sara said. "You tell her. She hates it when I…"
"She treats me the same way she treats you, you know," Sonia said before Sara could continue. "You're as much of a maternal voice to her as I am." Sara hated that. God, she did. She was not Tegan's mother, hated that she was seen that way. She cried more than Tegan, needed care as much as Tegan, wanted attention the way Tegan did.
Maybe that's why Tegan stopped sleeping with her. It's probably why.
Sonia put Rose down and picked up Scarlet. Sara hadn't noticed it, but Sonia put on the new swimsuit for Rose while they were talking. "Doesn't she look lovely?" Sonia said when she witnessed Sara's stares.
"Yeah. These are beautiful."
"Yeah, let's get them out to the pool, feed them, and make them play in the water. Their little pool is all set for them. You could also swim or something."
"I don't have a swimsuit," Sara said. Sonia nodded. "I mean I do but it's in Tegan's room."
"Yeah," the mother said softly. "Just wash up and meet us downstairs. I'll get them something to eat."
Sara walked to the bathroom quietly. She checked on her wounded breast and hissed upon touching her nipple. She washed up and left the bathroom again, staring at Tegan's closed door, wondering what her wife was doing in there.
Without answers, she took the trip down the stairs and out of the kitchen's door to meet Sonia with her kids in the backyard. In the shade, Sonia put both of them on the floor near the inflatable pool. She fed the two from one bowl and one spoon. Upon seeing her, Rose squealed and moved her fists, throwing a storm of "mummy" at her mother. Scarlet was alerted, too. She stood up right away and walked up to Sara, who picked her up right on the spot. Sonia was staring at her with a bright smile.
"All good?" Sara nodded coyly and sat down on a chair right next to Sonia's seated form, except that the latter sat on the floor. "Sure no need for a doctor?"
"If I feel like it does, I'll let you know." It's not like she was shy. It's just that she was caught in a situation she had never thought she'd be caught doing.
Rose stood up in that instant. She took one step forward, making her mother's eyes widen. Another step and Sonia's eyes followed. A third step and Scarlet squealed, pushing her body down so Sara would let her go. Rose squealed in return and took another step. The twins met each other and both fell on their bums, making the two women laugh in harmony.
As Rose took her first steps, her mother found herself more at ease. She narrated to Sonia the situation they dealt with at the mall, how upset Tegan felt when she saw her former bully in that store. Sonia also told her more about Tegan's childhood and teenage year; that fragile, vulnerable girl who let people ridicule and mock her. Sara's heart stung with those stories. But everything made sense. Tegan's behavior was mostly a result of past trauma vaguely dealt with.
"Maybe that's why she refuses to work," Sara said while playing with her daughters who were moving their bodies quickly in the small pool, splashing the water all around. "Fear of rejection, humiliation, mockery."
"I suppose," Sonia said. "But she's always worked during the summer here." Sara nodded. That was right. "I just think she likes her comfort zone a little bit too much."
While they stayed and chatted, Tegan watched them from her bedroom's window. She was dressed in one large white t-shirt. She opened the French window slowly, careful not to make a sound and stepped outside, watching her wife, mother, and kids. She smiled to herself as her heart palpitated quickly behind her chest. The nap she took had helped, but she still felt troubled and tired.
She watched as Sara played and laughed and giggled with her children. She watched until her eyes met her wife's. Sara paused and stared. She squinted and smiled at her then looked down again, paying more attention to her kids.
A little while later, Sara and the kids could be heard from behind her bedroom's door. She knew they had gotten inside right after Scarlet's striking tantrum. She couldn't see why her daughter had thrown one, but Sara immediately took the girls upstairs.
Rose was walking. She noticed it.
She unlocked the door and walked out to her brother's bedroom where Sara was changing for the twins.
When they saw her, their cries increased, their need for her was voiced. Her breasts acted up immediately, reminding her she hadn't fed them that day. The door was closed and her t-shirt was lifted as each of them sat on one leg and nursed until their eyes were closed.
Sara stared in silence and admiration. A little bit of jealousy and sadness swelled up in her chest, reminding her of the injury she had.
When the twins slept, Tegan and Sara both went downstairs and sat at the kitchen table, nursing their own cups of coffee while Sonia cooked dinner.
"Was it a good nap?" Sara had asked before Tegan got distracted by Emy texting her. Tegan only aided her with a low hum as she stared at her phone's screen.
"Stephen might be a little bit late," Sonia remarked. "Is that okay?" She directed the question toward zoned out Sara. "Or will you girls be hungry by 8:30?" This time she looked at Tegan who put her phone down to listen to her mother's question.
"I don't mind waiting, Sonia," Sara said with a shrug.
"Me too," Tegan said with a deep sigh. "Emy fought with her mom and is already going back to Montreal," she told Sara.
"What happened?" Sara asked mindlessly.
"Stacy," she whispered so her mother couldn't hear her. Sara nodded. Emy's mother was never going to be okay with Stacy.
"I emptied some space in the fridge so you could keep the milk you pump." With a genuine smile, Sonia opened the fridge and pointed at the empty space next to the aligned soda cans. "It's not supposed to stay outside. It's too hot." Tegan nodded with a face red and lips parted. Sara stared at her features, scared she would be accused of having ratted her out to her mother.
But the accusation came later when they were in the bedroom. Tegan cried and shouted.
"I didn't say anything," Sara said. "I did fucking not," she screamed.
"Don't yell," Tegan yelled.
"You're doing it," Sara spoke in the same octave. "She saw me…she saw me trying to…"
"Eww, you're fucking…? Again?" Tegan mocked with her grimace. "For fuck's sake. It's like you have a fetish."
Sara rolled her eyes. "It only happened once," she said with tears blurring her eyes. "I just…"
"No, it happened twice. One time by mistake. The other time was two months ago." Sara didn't say anything. "I'm so sick of this."
Of what? Her? The marriage? Their relationship? The kids?
Sara, too, was so sick of it.
They fell asleep with tears in their eyes and woke up to grumpy little children who cried all day long. Sara put her swimsuit on and got them in theirs, taking them out to the pool to teach them how to swim. It was a Saturday and Sonia was around. She helped around the pool while Tegan lazed around in the living room, playing video games with her father or bickering with her brother who passed by to say hi.
When her kids felt exhausted and needed her, they both took penguin-like steps toward the living room, followed by their grandmother who held Rose's hand because the toddler was still hesitant about taking further steps.
They both threw themselves at their mother with tears running down their ruddy cheeks and snot covering their noses.
"For fuck's sake," Tegan shrieked, pushing Scarlet off her leg. "I was gonna fucking…" She paused when she realized the game had been paused by her father and everyone's eyes were on her. Except Sara. She had left before in order to shower before dinner.
"What's wrong with you?" Sonia said in disbelief. "They're hungry."
"Where's Sara?" She huffed, looking around. "Can't she feed them? I just want some time off."
"She's in the shower." The grandmother picked up the screeching toddler from the floor. The other one grabbed her leg tightly, pinching at the flesh. "I'll feed them."
Her daughter's attitude distressed her. She was all attached to her babies one moment and the next she was cussing them out, begging for Sara to take care of them. Her mental health proved unstable.
Sonia shed a few tears while feeding the twins. Sara saw her when she came back with her wet hair and red eyes. Had she been crying, too? Sonia thought when their eyes met.
None of them said a thing. Sara took her place and continued feeding the babies while Sonia prepared dinner.
The twins napped before dinner, and Sara decided she'd do the same because she had been feeling exhausted.
During dinner, the twins insisted on giving Tegan a hard time. They put their hands in her food, covered up their faces and hers with the ketchup they loved so much. Sara couldn't do anything because they both shrieked and pushed her away when she held them. Same reaction was given to Sonia and Stephen when they tried. Tegan chewed with tears dancing in her eyes. Her legs shook. She was on the verge of a breakdown, but she tried to ignore it, taking deep breaths like Sara had once taught her. Closed her eyes, counted to ten, opened them to find Scarlet's wet hand in her face, smudging it with God knows what disgusting substance that was.
Usually, parents laughed and giggled when their babies were that rowdy and untamed, but she couldn't at that moment because she felt judged by everyone around her. She knew her kids were trying to get attention from her—attention she would usually give when she's alone with Sara in their home. Sara would record, she would laugh, they'd have a day. Sara probably understood, too. She seemed embarrassed and upset by their behavior.
In the business of talking, the adults (apart from Tegan who had successfully dissociated herself) forgot about the babies, depriving them of the attention they sought so much. However, only moments later, Sara gasped when she felt something being spilled on her feet. She looked down the table, face turning red at the scenery of both her girls trying their best to lick off the ketchup they had spilled off the floor. She closed her eyes in defeat, not knowing whether she should laugh, cry, or just scold them.
Tegan, on the other hand, had started crying. Her rage was apparent and her voice was loud when she rebuked the giggling babies who licked at the sauce they loved so much. Scarlet clapped wildly the more her mother threw screams of "Why the fuck did you do this?" and "Why are you like that?" Rose just looked at Tegan in amazement and squealed, joining the clapping.
Stephen was filming the whole thing and Sara had her laughter held inside. Sonia was the only person who seemed concerned and she was right. Only a second later, when Tegan noticed her father's camera, she took his phone away and her shouts became louder, tears ran faster.
"You're all just laughing? Really? You're filming as if I'm not losing my shit in here because of them," she wailed. "And you…" She meant Sara. "Fucking do something." Sara's eyes widened.
"What do you want me to do?" she asked calmly out of respect and fear of the parents nothing else. She could have yelled back like the night before.
"I don't fucking know. Pick them up. Tell them it's wrong. Fucking do fucking something," the last sentence was screeched so loudly that the babies began to cry. Sara covered her mouth. She hadn't seen Tegan in that state...ever.
"Oh…I'm sorry. Okay." She picked up the two girls while Sonia pulled Tegan on the side asking her why she yelled that way."
Sara could hear the conversation but not clearly. Sonia questioned why her daughter screamed like that. Why was she taking things so seriously about her kids playing? Sara's lips turned upside down and tears rushed to her eyes. The voice scared her. She remembered her father and his outburst then her mother's reactions directed back toward her. They sounded like that. When her mother lost control on her…it was the same voice, same reaction, that screech that came out all of a sudden. It used to shut her up, send her back to her room, to cover her ears and rock back and forth till exhaustion took the best of her and sleep colonized her body. She'd wake up all covered and tucked in, knowing her mother had done that.
She hated that voice. It scared her. No matter how much older than Tegan she was…it scared her.
"I just wanna be on my own. I just wanna be alone. All of you leave me…leave me alone…" She heard Tegan through the sniffles and hiccups from the nursery as she was changing for the twins. She heard her struggle with her parents as she kicked them out of her room. She felt so ashamed, so broken. She didn't want to leave the nursery and face Sonia or Stephen.
She heard his loud worries as the door closed behind him. He was concerned about his daughter's heart. He didn't want her to be alone. Sara worried silently as tears escaped her eyes. What had she done to make her wife feel that way? Was it her fault? She couldn't understand it. She wanted to hide away from Tegan's parents because no matter what, they were going to blame her and she was to blame. It was all crystal clear; Tegan couldn't deal with having children anymore. Tegan wasn't dealing well with motherhood.
"Sara?" She looked up with heart beating quickly upon hearing the man's voice calling for her. She stared at his face and his wife's distressed expressions undressing her of all confidence with their angry eyes. "We would like to talk to you." She nodded, picking up the girls who were mumbling their "mamas" loudly. Sonia took Scarlet away from her and kept Rose holding tightly onto her mother's light blue t-shirt.
She sat like a bulk of stone as they both interrogated her about Tegan's mental health and the reasoning behind her acting that way. Like them, she barely had answers. She filled them in on the shifts of mood, the sudden bouts of anger and sadness, her insistence that Tegan sought professional help, and the small issues between them regarding Tegan working, the financial worry she kept telling Sara about, the feeling of inadequacy and loneliness. She told them about it all except one thing: the lack of sexual relationship she had grown to eventually accept based upon Tegan's request months before. She couldn't really say that. She felt too exposed already and too tired. She knew Tegan was addicted to masturbation and porn. It wasn't too hard to figure out. She couldn't say it, however. It would prove insufficiency on her part; it would injure her ego; make her feel so little.
No solutions were provided by the parents. They, too, came empty-handed when it came to dealing with their adult daughter. They thought out loud, but their thoughts came to a screeching halt at one point, especially when the babies began to get fussy and Sara grew tired.
Stephen excused her, but she was too hesitant to go upstairs.
"I'm not sure if she'll let me in," Sara said. "I'll put the babies to bed, but I don't know where I'll sleep."
"Why wouldn't she let you in?" Sonia asked. "She didn't lock the door. I took the key away." She sighed, taking the key out of her pocket. "This is why we never gave her a key." Sara nodded. "That's how she acted all throughout her teenage years."
Then maybe it was the house. Maybe it brought bad memories. Maybe it caused that feeling to come back.
But they had been there before. She didn't act that way the year before. She didn't act that way during the summers when she visited, right?
Sara went upstairs and thought some more as she gave the babies their bottles and made sure they fell asleep.
She slowly and carefully walked into the dimmed room. Her body was sprawled there on the mattress with only her underwear and sports bra covering her body. The room was freezing and the AC was on. She could see that her wife was shivering in her sleep, so she covered her body and began changing her clothes. When she got in bed, she heard soft whimpers coming from beside her.
"Tegan?" she whispered gently, too scared her wife would utter something that would upset her again.
"Cold," Tegan said shakingly. "Cold," she repeated with a shiver.
"Oh, honey." Sara reached for the AC's remote control and turned it off. She knew she was going to feel hot all night long, but Tegan was freezing. Her body shook as she wrapped her own arms around herself. "You're sleeping half naked; of course it's cold." She got out of bed and walked to the closet, bringing some pajamas for her wife.
She forced Tegan to sit up and put on the clothes for her. Her skin was hot. Sara took a look at her as she shivered and decided to call Sonia. Thankfully, the mother was still downstairs.
"Maybe she's just sick," Sonia said.
"No, no, I don't know. I'm worried." Sonia sighed and followed Sara to the bedroom where Tegan shook and shivered.
"What do you feel, Tegan?" Sonia asked. Tegan didn't answer. "Can you breathe?" Tegan shook her head. "Shit, is it your heart?"
"Tegan, can you hear me?" Tegan nodded. "Is it your heart?" She shook her head and closed her eyes, breathing in and out heavily. "Are you having a panic attack?" Sara held her body, steadying the movement, grounding her before she passed out. "She's having a panic attack," she told Sonia. "Get me water. I'll calm her down."
Sonia watched as Sara hugged her wife tightly, shushing and whispering in her ears as the hyperventilating body calmed down. She walked away quickly and down to the kitchen to get water from the fridge, too upset to answer her husband's worried calls. She went upstairs and he followed, too.
Tegan's head was on Sara's lap, forehead coated with sweat, and eyes tightly shut. "Thank you," Sara mumbled, taking the water bottle and helping Tegan sit up.
"Has this happened before?" Stephen loudly wondered. His eyes waited for his wife's response and when it wasn't given, he met Sara's distracted features.
"Ummm," Sara put the bottle away and helped Tegan lie down before elaborating, "one time only, I guess. About two years ago." She covered up Tegan's body and sighed. "Unless it happened before and I don't know about it."
"Or when you're away and she's with the kids," Sonia said. Sara didn't respond. She could only shrug. It might have, but she was sure she would have known, right?
She looked back at Tegan, whose hand was still attached to hers. "She'll be alright," Sara said. "I'm familiar with panic attacks. I've had them and my mother did so, too." That was a polite way to tell them to leave the room. She was exhausted and Tegan was, too.
"Alright. If anything happens, call us, please," Stephen said as he understood Sara's plea. He left and his wife hesitantly followed.
"Calm down, Tegan," Sara whispered.
"Calm down," she repeated after planting a kiss on the sweaty brow. "You're going to be fine. I'm here." She put Tegan's head on top of her chest, urging her to close her eyes and rest. "I'm not going anywhere." She covered the two of them so she could stop Tegan from shaking. The panic was gone, so the cold hit her body again. Tegan breathed in and out against her neck. She could feel her tears there. She shushed slightly and closed her eyes while rubbing the back of the woman lying atop her.
Sara eventually woke up to her children's cries. Scarlet was up in the crib, clapping both hands while crying hysterically; a sight that made Sara giggle loudly. Rose was sucking her thumb in her crib quietly. Her tears ran down her lids in silence. Sara changed for the toddlers and held their hands as the three walked downstairs.
They called
"Nanan" a few times before they gave up. They had their bottles and a breakfast bowl of mashed whatever that Sara could find. She, too, had a quick breakfast so she wouldn't have to hear Sonia's rebuking thoughts. She knew the mother was just worried about her daughter, who was still asleep upstairs, but she truly couldn't handle her toxic subconscious blame-game. Sara's tears danced at the brim of her eyes every time Sonia huffed and cursed the idea that one therapist had about Tegan moving to Canada when she was just 18.
If it weren't for that move, she wouldn't have met Sara, loved Sara, married Sara, had those babies, lost her mind.
It was all because of that move…and because of Sara.
Sara hated herself that day, but she remained silent. She checked on Tegan a couple of times, but it was obvious that her wife had been exhausted. Whenever she called her name to wake her up, Tegan went back to sleep. Sara played with the kids outside until it was time that they napped.
She went back to the bedroom with a breakfast sandwich that Stephen insisted she'd take to sleeping Tegan. She also made coffee and added a chocolate-coated donut out of the box that Ted had brought earlier in the morning.
She woke her wife up slowly and gently helped her sit up. Tegan rubbed her eyes and groaned.
"You should have something to eat, baby," she said calmly. "And there's coffee, too." Tegan nodded groggily, shaking Sara's palm off her forehead. "You're still feverish."
"I feel exhausted," Tegan whispered, grabbing her phone to check the time which made her eyes widen and heart palpitate. "It's 2:20?"
"Yeah."
"The babies?" She looked at the monitor beside her and back at Sara.
"Don't worry. They woke up, had breakfast, played outside. I gave them a bath which was really fucking hard; I have no idea how you do it alone. I literally cried…but I mean I did it because they were disgusting and then they slept." Sara shrugged upon Tegan's little giggle.
"You cried?"
"Yeah…well, I wanted to cry but Scarlet made it easier for me." Tegan stared at her with a lopsided smile. "Because I was worried about you."
"It's my left breast. I have mastitis. I read about it. I called Stacy and asked her." Sara furrowed her brows. "I'm sorry. I told her not to tell you. It was just too much for me yesterday. She told me I should probably stop feeding and I just…I panicked and I was in pain, too."
"You don't have to explain," Sara said softly, brushing a strand of hair while listening to the small sips of coffee that her wife emitted. "Don't you have to, like, I don't know, get the thing out? Like the milk? Like I've read about it, too, before, but there's something you need to do."
"I took care of it," Tegan said quickly. "Don't worry. I just can't breastfeed with that breast for a few days." Sara hoped her wife didn't hurt herself. "At least they didn't bite my nipple off like what happened to you." Sara's face colored in shades of dark pink. "Are you healed?" Sara shook her head. "What are you gonna do?"
"I'll be alright, but it hurts so much what she did to me."
"Having them is really hard, Sara," Tegan said calmly. She was having her sandwich, but she chewed very slowly and with lack of appetite. "Sometimes I feel like I'm just there to attend to their needs and there's nothing for me in life; sometimes I love that I am the one attending to their needs and that's my purpose in life." A tear fell from her eyes. "Sometimes I feel like I don't know myself and other times I feel like I don't know you or us or our love. I feel lost."
Sara felt lost herself, too. She didn't know how to respond or what to say. She frowned and looked down. "I'm sorry I made you have them."
"No, it's not…that." Tegan sighed. "It's just a feeling and feeling it is super hard." Sara nodded.
"I said it before and…" Sara stuttered upon realizing her wife's hazel eyes focused on hers. "Uh…I just think you should go to therapy."
Tegan believed they both needed to go to therapy. It's really stupid of Sara not to have seen that. Their relationship needed saving. Something was lacking. How could Sara not see it? Was she satisfied with their lives? Was it just the kids that Sara wanted so she could be called a mother? Did she not care about their love? About the spark that they had before? It was all dim and yellow. It was all dark and spikey.
"We'll discuss that when we go back," she finally said, dismissing her wife's attempt to help her. Sara could tell it was her way to stop her from talking. Tegan didn't argue anymore. She either criticized or stayed silent. If she wanted to stop Sara from talking, she'd agree with her but end up doing the thing she wanted.
Tegan went back to sleep after consuming half of her breakfast. Sara went on about her day. She missed cleaning her own house. Tegan's parents had cleaning services come over every week to clean the entire place, but she still ended up cleaning the bathroom and Ted's room when the twins woke up and were taken out by their grandfather. She decided to give herself a haircut. She hadn't done that for a while. She used to love playing with her hair, giving herself the haircuts that would suit her only.
She ended up with her previous fringe from years before. She loved that hair so much. It made her feel confident. She was just getting out of love with Jack and in love with Tegan, healthy and feminine and fine. She loved her look and her style. She loved everything about her during those few months Tegan infatuated her. Looking back, she knew being in that situation she didn't love it; the chase, the misery, the waiting, the expectation, the knowledge Tegan was too young and could never be hers. However, her stomach tied up in knots as nostalgia hit her. Those same feelings brought a special type of excitement to her chest. Her heart drummed and butterflies raced inside her system. She bit her lip down looking at the mirror in her bra. She stared at her breasts and the flush covering her chest. She liked to feel single and young again, girls and guys chasing her, begging to sleep with her. She had always been the center of attention from both men and women. She knew she could still pull that off if she tried, if she put in some effort. She was as alluring as her mother even when they looked different.
Therefore, she decided to start looking nice, sexy, attractive. She knew how to do that. It came naturally to her.
At first her daughters didn't know her. Thy stared at her blankly, eyes wide open and teary. When she kissed both of them and talked to them, they seemed mesmerized by her fringe. Rose took a hold of it and Scarlet took a hold of her shoulder as she carried the two of them. "You two are really heavy," she whispered. "I bet you're hungry though." Rose said something nonsensical and Scarlet responded with "mommy" repeated twice. Sara fed them while Sonia and Stephen chatted and then took them upstairs to change their diapers and get them ready to go to bed. They called for their other mother a couple of times and it ached Sara's chest knowing they needed Tegan and she wasn't available for them. She put them down in their cribs and walked to Tegan's bedroom in hopes of finding her awake.
Tegan was asleep, however. Sara frowned a little to herself and walked over to the mattress to feel her forehead. It was still warm but not as bad as the morning. She covered her up, attempting to plant a kiss on her forehead when she began to wake up.
A groan escaped her lungs and Sara shushed slightly. "I'm just checking on you. Go back to sleep."
"Professor Clement?" Tegan whispered in her half lethargic state. Sara's face was attacked by a deep shade of red as the other woman squinted. "What…what year is this?" She was waking up fully but still half unconscious, making Sara giggle a little bit.
"Umm, 2018...It's me, Sara. Hi"
"What..." Tegan's lips rounded in a surprised O. "Your hair," she whispered to herself, touching the soft stands. "I thought…"
"That's one of the only few decent hairstyles I can give myself so, yeah, it's a repeat of you what you know."
"Of Dr. Clement," Tegan giggled.
"You miss her?" Sara asked gently, touching her wife's cheek. Tegan nodded. "She's always here, you know." Sara smiled. She did not wink. She did not mean it in a deceitful or manipulative way to ger Tegan to feel what she felt for her. She meant that she was always there, forever there, in love with Tegan like the first day they met at the bar. Two strangers in a dark room. Tegan in black and the moping professor in a grey and white striped sweater.
"I know," Tegan whispered again. "Did the babies sleep?"
They weren't really babies anymore, but Tegan kept calling them that. "They're in their cribs. They kept calling your name so I came to check on you. I need to get back to them."
"Can you get them here? I missed them."
"Really?" Sara asked. "I mean you really want them here?" she clarified when Tegan raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah," she chuckled lightly. "I'm going to attempt feeding one by one with the good boob." Sara nodded and rose up. "Don't hold both of them together, please."
"Sure," Sara said. She held their hands and guided them to 'Nanan.' They were too sleepy to run so Scarlet just started crying the moment she saw her mom and sat on the floor. Sara picked her up and placed her where Tegan had wanted her. She began to nurse immediately and after very few minutes she was sound asleep and Rose was in her place. It took a little bit longer for Rose, but she eventually slept and Sara took her to her crib as she'd done to her sister before. Sara went back to the bedroom but Tegan had gone to the bathroom. She waited there until Tegan came back then Sara used the bathroom and when she left, Tegan's eyes were already closed. She lay on the mattress and covered herself, closing her eyes. The moment she did so, she felt Tegan's hand touching her arm, gripping it. Tegan's thumb stroked her skin. She smiled to herself and kissed the next thing she saw near her: Tegan's head.
When Tegan woke up in the morning, nobody was there. She yawned and stretched. The silence that met her long minutes of adjusting to the light of a new day concerned her. Her body felt much better than the couple of days before. She finally wasn't cold or exhausted. Her head didn't throb. She walked up to Ted's bedroom but it was neat and empty. The baby's bag was nowhere to be found. She called for Sara and her mom a couple of times but nobody responded. She got back to her room. They might have gone out.
She grabbed her phone to check the time. It was past nine in the morning. Not too early but not too late for her to be awake. She stepped outside of her room and stood in her balcony to check the weather. Her eyes noticed her wife's body in the pool. She stood there for a few minutes, mesmerized by the graciousness and agility the older women showed as her body moved in the water.
Where were the kids?
She returned inside and walked to the bathroom to shower and change as quickly as possible. She put on her swimsuit and walked down the stairs, hoping she'd run into someone in the house. Still the house was empty and only Sara was outside.
Her stomach growled at the sight of waffles on the table. They must have kept it for her. She grabbed a couple and walked out. Sara wasn't swimming anymore, but was still in the water with eyes closed and head resting against the ledge.
"Good morning," she said gently, careful not to scare her.
"Oh, hi," the greeting came out loud and alert. "When did you…I didn't see you…"
Tegan laughed a little and sat on the ledge of the pool, dipping her feet in the water and squinting in the sun to look at Sara's golden skin well. "You've tanned?" She began nibbling on the waffle in her hand.
Sara took a look at her shoulder and nodded with a little laugh. Her swimsuit's top's straps were off her shoulder. Tegan guessed that nobody was in the house and they weren't getting back soon because Sara hated being half naked in front of her family.
"Looks good on you," she finally complimented. Sara mumbled a quick 'thank you' and smiled bashfully. "Where are the babies, though?"
"Oh, right, your parents took them. They're visiting your grandmother for the day. Will be back tomorrow morning."
"What?" Tegan asked in confusion. "But…the…"
"They thought it's best if they, you know, give you a day off from them. They took the pumped milk though. I didn't like it at first, but you need to rest."
"But I've been resting for two days," Tegan said. She huffed. "They're not gonna handle them…and since when do they stay at my grandma's overnight?" Sara shrugged. "God, I hate this." Tears welled up in her eyes. Her anxiety kicked in.
"I could give them a call." Sara was leaving the pool already. "I just thought you really needed…"
"It's fine." She placed her hand on Sara's wet thigh and pulled her down on her butt. "Sit down. I'm fine. I just panicked." She took a deep breath before stuffing half of the waffle in her mouth. "Maybe I do need to chill a bit."
Sara remained there for a few minutes watching Tegan work on calming herself down and finish her 'breakfast.' "My butt is burning up in here," she finally said.
Tegan laughed a bit. "Come back here." She pushed her down and Sara screamed a little when water splashed in her face. Her bikini top hung low, offering a generous cleavage and a contrast of skin complexion. "Whoa…you really tanned." She pulled down the top completely, revealing Sara's bare chest, making her cheeks turn pink.
"Tegan, no," Sara whispered coyly, pulling up her top.
"You said my parents are away," she teased, pulling down the top again.
"Yeah, so? They have security cameras all over the place…like…"
"Nah. Not around the pool." Tegan entrapped Sara in her shadowy embrace. "They have them around the gates and the garage." She breathed in Sara's coconut summery scent, feeling relaxed under the water, feeling strong, a bit like herself. She kissed Sara, massaging her left breast, helping the older woman begin making sounds of pleasure.
"How long have you not touched yourself?" she asked after pulling away, leaving Sara's eyes droop with need she couldn't verbalize.
"The morning we came here…I mean before we did. I got off in the shower."
"So a week ago." Sara nodded. "That means you really…really…" she leaned in, breathing against Sara's ears. "…really need it."
"Oh, yeah," Sara affirmed with a chuckle.
"And I really do, too." She kissed behind her neck, enjoying the heat of the skin. Her hand went down to Sara's stomach, rubbing her tummy and brushing down until they hit the dip of her hips.
"Are you sure?" Sara asked with a hesitant stutter. "I don't want…"
"I truly do," Tegan affirmed, eyes searching in Sara's skeptical ones. She slowly pushed Sara against the edge of the pool. "I wanna go down on you." Sara nodded, pulling herself up on the shaded side of the pool and opening her legs. A giggle escaped both their lips. "Gotta take that off," Tegan whispered, helping Sara out of her bikini bottoms, planting soft kisses on the length of her thighs, descending down to her left leg until the water was at level with her mouth.
Sara pulled her legs out of the water to slip off the black bikini bottom. She screeched a little upon sitting down. "It's super hot," she said hissing.
Tegan pulled her legs down, closer to her, wrapping them around her neck so she could face the heat between them. Sara was panting, gasps left her lips. Tegan's were painting pictures on her inner thighs. Tegan knew too well what this did to her. Her clit was going to burst. The floor was too hot to lie on. She squealed like a little child when she felt Tegan's tongue flick the welcoming bundle of nerves. She wanted this more than anything. Fear of falling attacked her mental activity but she attempted shaking the thoughts away. She didn't want to put her hand on Tegan's head and push her closer to her cunt. She knew if she did that, she would lose balance. She was also close and didn't want to cum right away. If she could only prolong it.
Tegan's tongue slid between her rosy folds, lapping at her thick juices and helping her emit louder sounds of ecstasy. She shut her eyes tightly and groped the ledge of the pool, hoping she wouldn't fall down. Her writhing and soft whimpers fired Tegan's ego and libido simultaneously, causing her to push her tongue in the small opening before dragging it up and twirling it around the beating button. She looked up at Sara's unhinged state and began sucking the button with eyes open to watch the state of arousal reach its peak. She reached a hand to palm Sara's breast and the other attempted steadying her shaking legs. Sara's body was moving, shaking, sliding up against the edge. She was so small and weak and her cunt was so soft and silky.
Waves of nirvana hit her all at once, causing her to shake further and scream louder. The silence that followed buzzed in her ears. Tegan was still lapping at her juices and her heart was beginning to soften its rhythm. Closing her eyes for a second, she felt her stomach kissed and laughed a little.
"My turn," Tegan demanded. She opened her eyes, looking at the younger woman in slits. "Upstairs," Tegan said again. "We're getting a sunburn."
No, shit. She knew she was going to cry that night. Her body couldn't handle the sun.
Upstairs Tegan wrapped both legs around her face. She seemed to be smeared with ecstasy. Sara smiled as she looked up at her wife. Tegan's face bloomed red and pink, revealing the sheepish youthful grin she still possessed.
It was patient labour. Sara enjoyed it but more did so Tegan. She eventually fell down on the other side, turned around and reached for Sara's cunt, fucking it with her finger and kissing the clit again as if she hadn't done that minutes before.
They sang euphoric melodies together. Sara's right hand clasped her wife's as she pushed her toward an orgasm she hadn't had in ages. God, it felt so good; she had to reward Sara and give her a second.
Reward Sara before dropping the major news. Before telling her what she needed to tell her. Before asking her about it.
Sara's soft whimpers quieted down minutes after she came.
"Old lady," Tegan giggled, kissing the corner of her lips after climbing up and resting right next to her.
"Shut up," Sara said while tittering. "Two orgasms and letting me touch you? I must have died and gone to heaven."
"Dramatic," Tegan responded. "I needed that."
"God knows how much I did, too." Sara watched Tegan sit up. She was still in her bikini top, never removed it. One side was stained with milk and the other wasn't. Sara was concerned. She wanted to ask about her breast infection but she was quickly interrupted by Tegan's quest.
"Can I ask you about something?"
"Of course," Sara said calmly. Her hand stroked her wife's arm as Tegan fiddled with the wrinkled sheets underneath.
"I…I don't wanna go back home next Saturday," she said quickly, taking a deep breath.
"You wanna stay longer?" Tegan nodded.
"But my job…I…I can't take a longer bre…"
"Just me…here, for at least two more weeks or a…month, please. I miss it here." Sara sat up quickly. Her jaw almost dropped.
"I can't take care of the babies alone?" she said immediately.
"Who said you'll do that? I want them to stay with me."
"You want me to leave you alone with them…here?" Tegan nodded. "But…"
"It's for my own mental health. I need it," she said quietly. "And I need them now, too. I don't think I can spend the night without them."
Oh…it was her that was the problem…not the babies…