Sara rubbed her eyes and yawned as she squinted at the computer's screen at five-something in the morning. She shook her legs under the table. The coffee in the cup danced along. The sounds of the clicking on keyboard raced with the sound of the clock in the dimmed living room. The sound of the forced laughter coming from an old sit-com died in the background. The sun was about to seep through rainy clouds.
Sara yawned again.
She pressed save and leaned back in her chair, yawning a third time, loudly this time. She grabbed her almost cold coffee and chugged the remaining all at once. She had to get ready to go to work and finish the rest of today's meeting plan in her office. She had spent the previous day Facetiming Tegan who had found solace in her wife after a heated argument with her mother.
No, it was a fight. A huge fight.
Tegan called crying, sobbing.
Sara didn't know what it was about that time. They fought every three to four days. When Sara suggested Tegan should come back after almost a week of being apart from her wife, Tegan told her not to mix things up because she always fought with her mom even when they lived miles apart.
That was true. Their quarrels were abundant, but they also always made up. It wasn't serious most of the times.
Yesterday, though, seemed different. Sonia had clearly triggered something. Tegan didn't want to tell Sara what it was, so Sara assumed it was about their relationship…most certainly.
Did she say it was bad? Probably talked about how incompetent of a mother Sara was. Well, she didn't press much on it. She just listened to Tegan crying and made her feel better.
That's why Sara woke up at four in the morning in order to work on her meeting. It'd been three weeks without Tegan, but three weeks with a hectic work schedule that she almost felt thankful Tegan wasn't around. She would surely not enjoy the amount of work Sara had to do. It was always like that at the beginning of the semester.
Two more weeks and it was about to begin; therefore, Sara had to arrange and design every little thing.
Well, Jack helped, but she could care less about that.
Tegan, however, asked about Jack every time she called. It was endearing though a little bit annoying.
Although the question was: "And was Jack there at the meeting?" it really meant: "Did anything happen between you two?"
One time, Tegan asked Sara for nudes in the middle of the night. Sara giggled to herself and teased Tegan with half naked pictures of herself until caving in and sending her a full-frontal while sprawled on the matress.
Tegan texted an hour later. "Thanks! That was helpful."
"I'm really happy that it was!"
"I could have googled naked women or something, you know. Porn is free, but I wanted your cunt in my thoughts."
"Very forward when texting, I see."
Tegan didn't respond after. She must have fallen asleep.
Sara also spent some time with Stacy once she came back from visiting her mother in Vancouver. Emy was back, too. They had dinner two nights ago and Emy cooked.
Sara whispered to her best friend that Stacy should never cook again that Emy's around. Stacy laughed a little and slapped Sara's arm playfully.
Sara asked Emy for her meatloaf recipe and they talked about food for more than Stacy would enjoy. She even felt jealous at one point when Sara complimented Emy's gingerbread cookies.
"That's my recipe. I'm the baker in here," she said.
"Yeah," Emy agreed with a sweet smile, but Sara could see her best friend's jealous eyes.
Sara turned off her phone and fixed her dark blue tie before entering the meeting room. She hadn't worn something so androgynous and formal since ever. God, she could barely remember.
Mental objection had rushed through her brain as she checked herself in the mirror before leaving the house. She took a deep breath, snapped a picture and sent it to her wife. No response met her.
She toyed a little with the growing fringe and cleared her throat before putting on the grey blazer above her white shirt.
Would they judge her? Did she look gay?
She was gay.
What about Jack? He would probably stare, judge, maybe even comment. She hated that he never hesitated to comment.
However, when she got there and saw Jack putting the coffee on her desk as he usually did, no comment met her but an amazed expression eyed her up and down.
He didn't compliment. She didn't know what was worse.
Some of her colleagues stared. She earned a butt slap from Dana while no one looked to which she responded with a flinch and a darkening of complexion.
It was show time. Tegan hadn't responded to any of her texts. She had to turn off the phone and get in the room. She had too much to say and the board might not like her suggestions. The last thing she wanted was distraction from Tegan.
And because Tegan was aware of the importance of this meeting that Sara had been preparing for since a week before, she decided against worrying her with a rash decision to book the next flight back to Montreal.
She said goodbye to her mother without a hug, both of them glared at one another before slamming the kitchen's door. Ted shook his head and walked up to his car.
Tegan remained silent the whole ride to the airport and her brother respected her decision. Scarlet and Rose fell asleep in the car and Tegan had to pick both of them up, placing them in the carriers wrapped in front and behind her. They were heavy. How was she going to do that alone?
She hoped to God they wouldn't make a scene in the airplane.
The hour of the meeting passed and Sara's wishes were met. A new LGBTQ reading corner was going to be established in the department, three new subjects she and Jack had worked hard on designing were going to be introduced to the syllabus and taught by three different professors who were eligible to teach them, and, most importantly, renovations for the staff's offices were going to occur within the next six months. Sara wanted it faster, but that's all she could get. At least they didn't have to sit in these 25-year-old offices again.
Sara left for coffee and snacks with Jack and Dana. They still had so much to work on that day, but a celebratory break wouldn't hurt them.
Problem was when she unlocked her phone while seated down in the small café, a bombardment of text messages from her in-laws greeted her.
Tegan had taken the next fight to Montreal.
Tegan had not told her.
She dialed up Sonia right away. The delightful taste of the strong coffee she adored so much suddenly felt bitter on her tongue, washing away her morning victories and revealing the harbored stress she had momentarily forgotten about.
"What happened?" she asked calmly. Her friends looked at her as she shook her leg under the table.
"I don't know," Sonia said shortly. "I'm just informing you she's on her way back and will arrive in about an hour. You need to pick her up," she ordered. "Goodbye."
Jack touched her knee, steadying its speedy rhythm. She shook his hand away and took a deep breath.
"Are the kids and Tegan okay?" Dana asked.
"Yes, yes," Sara said quickly. "She's on her way here, though. She didn't tell me because she knew today's important, but that's her mother informing me."
"Do you need to pick her up from the airport?" Jack asked and Sara nodded. "We can take over whatever you have left. It's fine."
"It's…She's still an hour away. I can go back and…"
"The drive to the airport is like 45 minutes away," Dana said.
"Do you want me to pick her up?" Jack offered again.
"Umm…I'm not…No, I should do it. I just…"
"Sara, it's fine," her friend reassured her, touching her shaking hand and squeezing it. "Jack and I can handle whatever work you have left. The critical part of the day's over."
They were right. What she had to do was just send emails and do some paperwork. Jack can take care of the paperwork and she could send the emails at home. Tegan was probably on the verge of a breakdown with two monstrous toddlers with her on the airplane, a fight with her mother on the back of her mind, and a wife far away from her.
She sent her a text message that she would be waiting for her at the airport.
Another steaming coffee adorned her hand while she waited for Tegan in the arrivals area. The need for sleep was taking over her tiny body, but she had to resist it and drive home. She had missed her wife and kids, and part of her was happy she was picking them up no matter how unplanned and abrupt that was.
She spotted Tegan before she could spot her, not knowing that her wife hadn't even checked her phone. She called for her and, when she did, her wife's face lit up with relief that sat inside her burdened bones. She walked up faster dragging two suitcases and Scarlet with both hands while Rose screeched in the carrier.
Tegan's hair was in disarray and her face was red and oily.
"Oh, my God," Tegan breathed loudly. "Thank God you're here." Her voice was breaking. "I…"
"It's fine, it's fine," Sara soothed and shushed not only the crying baby but her mother. Sara took Rose from the carrier and grabbed one suitcase. "Hi, Scar," she greeted her daughter who hid her face behind her mother's leg immediately. "Did she forget me?"
It's not possible because whenever she and Tegan facetimed, the kids had their fair share of the phone yelling in Sara's face, giggling, and rambling their favorite nonsense.
"She shat her diaper, and it's all over her clothes," Tegan said breathlessly. "I yelled at her and told her mommy would be angry."
"Why did you say that?" Sara sighed. "She's literally a baby. Of course she's gonna shit her diaper…"
"She didn't have to take it off and touch her shit," Tegan said angrily. A man walking beside them stared. "We all smell like shit now."
Sara mouthed an apology to whoever heard. A woman laughed a little as she passed by. "It's fine," she said after taking a deep breath. "Scar, let's go to the bathroom to change, baby." She knelt down to take her daughter's hand, but Scarlet screeched. "Oh, no, don't scream," she said calmly.
"Ugh, I'll take her." Tegan picked her up quickly. "Let's get you changed, stinky." She kissed her cheek a couple of times to calm her down. "Stay here," she ordered Sara, and Sara obeyed.
"Thank you," Tegan said once again when they were in Sara's car. "Thank you so much for coming. Did mom tell you?"
"Yeah," Sara said while staring ahead. "Please stop thanking me," she whispered. "I'm always here for you."
"I know, I know." Tegan chuckled. "I just know this is an important day for you and I didn't want to…you know, burden you with my being, but I had to leave. I was suffocating."
"I'm glad you left," Sara stated what her mind screamed. "I missed you and the babies."
"We missed you, too," Tegan responded as she stared out of the window. "How did it all go?" she asked after looking back at her wife.
"It went well," Sara said, planting a smile her way. "Perfect, actually." She grinned while looking in the rearview mirror, noticing her kids were fast asleep.
"I can tell." Tegan yawned and closed her eyes for a second. The drumming inside her head knocked on her nerves. Her hips ached from sitting and her back surrendered. "I'm daydreaming of a hot shower right now," she said to both Sara and herself. "Everything in my body hurts," she whispered these last words, careful enough not to make Sara well-aware of her whining. She knew the last thing Sara wanted was for her whiny, annoying wife to be back home.
She was not aware how happy Sara was now that she was back. Yes, Sara had dreaded her permanent departure, had feared her stray, her leave, her taking the kids and never returning. Sara was on top of the world.
First thing she did was heat up the water and the house for her wife and kids. She changed for the babies and talked more to fatigued Tegan.
Whine, whine all you want. I love you when you are quiet, but I adore you when you are whiny and bitchy. She really wanted to say that, but she just smiled hearing Tegan's voice fill the emptiness of their house.
That was the first evening all rooms were lit up. Sara preferred to be in the darkness when alone.
"You looked very handsome in the suit, by the way," Tegan said before getting into the bathroom. Sara was removing her clothes, beginning with the tie. "I just saw the picture. I wanted to tell you when I saw you at the airport but I was just…all over the place," Tegan said.
"It's fine," Sara giggled bashfully, removing her shirt.
"I still love feminine on you." Tegan smirked gesturing at the thin light pink lace her wife was clad-in. "Professor, Clement," she continued, winked, then disappeared inside the bathroom.
Sara played some music in the house while moving around to care for the kids. She bathed them together in the sink as they were used to, sang for them while their sweet giggles rang in her ears, and dressed them in their pajamas.
She prepared their meals and sat on the living room floor with them to feed them. Their toys made a circle inside their own circle with their mother. They both played in silence interrupted by some mumblings, mispronounced words, and whiny moans when Scarlet wanted another bite or Rose spotted her mother playing with her toy.
The sight was endearing to Tegan. She watched from afar as Sara made up sounds for each toy and a scenario of her story was produced, making her kids entrapped in her tale; eyes green and wide and lips covered with mashed substances.
She came from behind and put both hands on both shoulders and began to massage. Sara's smile widened on her face as she told the tale of Mr. Froggy who got lost in the woods and was saved by his little friends. Tegan kissed Sara's cold cheek from behind, wrapping her arms around her neck. Lower lip was bitten, Tegan flushed as Sara grabbed her hand and kissed the back of it. Her kids were chanting her name, their favorite word.
"I love you so much," Tegan whispered, letting go of Sara and taking a seat beside her instead.
Haven't heard that in a while, Sara's ears darkened in color as she beamed. Scarlet crawled up to her mother, knocking the food bowl down in order to put her head on Tegan's chest.
"Oh, no, look what you've done," Tegan said with a fake gasp.
"Uh oh," Rose said, covering her mouth. "Uh, oh." Sara laughed loudly as her daughter repeated her disappointment in her twin.
"New sound unlocked." Tegan nodded with a little laugh.
"Scarlet's naughty?" Tegan asked as she sat on the couch and uncovered her right breast.
"Uh, oh," Rose repeated.
Sara stared in silence while her wife began breastfeeding the older twin. They exchanged quick coy glances without uttering words that expressed both of their deep passion and need for each other. Sara's eyes glittered in awe at her wife's calm countenance and wet hair. Tegan's heart skipped a beat watching Sara clean up the mess their daughter had made. Her mother's words rang in her ears, causing for her heart to flutter with pain and discontent. She closed her eyes to shake away the tears that wanted to fall. She wanted to stay in this moment forever: Sara, her two kids, and herself. She wanted to feel normal forever not momentarily. She knew her head would mess with her eventually, making her hate the three around her, making her abhor herself, detest her living, shut off everyone, become rude and bitchy.
She didn't want that. God, why was her mind so terrible to her. Why couldn't she love Sara all the time and forever.
Sara was aware of the war in her head. When Tegan fought with her demons, her legs shook and the little veins in her neck popped; she could see her gulping; she could sense her overthinking. Sometimes she wished she could voice her concern, reassure her, make her calm down. Knowing Tegan, it could backfire.
She kissed her brow when she took Scarlet away and handed her Rose. The latter was on the verge of sleep so feeding her took a few minutes before the two girls were placed in their cribs to have their much needed nap.
Tegan, too, dragged herself to her bedroom and Sara followed. Tegan threw herself on the bed and Sara followed.
"Tee?" Sara spoke softly.
"Yes, babe."
"Wanna…" She took a deep breath and swallowed. "I miss you."
"I can't," Tegan's answer was haste but quiet. She sighed. She was looking at the ceiling above, aware of Sara's eyes piercing through her side profile. "I'm bleeding," she explained, knowing Sara's mind wasn't going to digest her refusal easily.
Sara didn't speak first. She furrowed her brows, confusion crystal clear on her features. "Weren't you done with your period last week? You told me you were."
"Yeah, I was." Tegan looked at her and continued, "And I started again…yesterday. That's why I said I'm bleeding. I'm not sure if this is a period or something else. Mom said it's because I'm stressed out and it's normal."
Sara thought she was lying so she wouldn't touch her, but didn't argue. "Is that why you fought?"
A chuckle escaped Tegan's throat. She shook her head. "No, but it led to the fight," she said calmly and softly, closing her eyes for a second.
Sara hummed. If she weren't lying, she would be dying because of her cramps. She would have been crying and shaking. She was lying.
"Why did you fight?" Sara wondered loudly.
"I don't wanna talk about it," she whispered, half smiling, half in tears. Her hand flew toward Sara's face, cold fingers caressed her ruddy cheek. "I wanna sleep a bit."
"Okay," Sara whispered back, pecking her cheek before excusing herself out of the bedroom.
She first responded to her messages from Sonia checking on her daughter and grandchildren, then Jack's messages informing her that whatever form she needed was ready and forwarded to her E-mail. She texted Stacy about the day's adventures which encouraged the woman to call her immediately in order to acquire all the gossip she had missed.
While Stacy smoked and listened with her girlfriend's head on her lap, Sara was too engrossed in chopping up as many vegetables as she could so she could sauté them later on, adding them to the fillet she was going to grill. Tegan needed nourishment; she looked thin as ice and pale as a white pasty wall.
...
The kids woke up and Tegan took turns changing for them and feeding them while Sara quietly worked, typing on her laptop and nursing a glass of wine they both needed after the dinner she had made.
It was delicious. Tegan devoured every part of it, though Stacy's constant texts and calling bothered them.
"They're hungry for gossip," Sara said over dinner. "Both of them are like animals and they prey on gossip. It's a disease."
Tegan was laughing jovially watching her wife poke fun of her best friend.
The last text message which evoked a whiny moan from Tegan was, "We're visiting tomorrow. You're telling us everything. Love you…xoxo."
"She's so nosy. Like what does she wanna know?" Tegan complained.
"Why you fought with Sonia," Sara said absentmindedly and Tegan sighed, triggering Sara's curiosity back to its roots.
The twins were breastfed again before their bedtime. Sara sat next to her wife and rubbed her feet, making Tegan emit deep breaths of relaxed pleasure.
"I'm beginning to wean Rose," she told her wife. "But Scarlet is just not letting me." Sara looked up at her, ears perked up at the start of another conversation. "And whenever there's a change of situation, Rose just…gets back to it. Like, I don't usually feed her in the afternoon, but you saw what she did today."
"It's fine, my love," the older woman said softly. "Do what makes you and them feel good."
"Thank you for understanding me and what I go through."
Sara wanted to inquire whether that was the reason she and her mother had fought, but she dismissed it. If Tegan wasn't going to tell her, she wasn't going to tell her so she might as well stop bothering her. Perhaps Stacy and Emy's insistence on finding out was going to extract the truth out of her chest.
Sara went to the bathroom before she went to bed. It was after Tegan had left. In the hamper, she found blood on Tegan's shorts. She had thought she changed them because she felt cold. Guilt sank in her chest upon doubting her wife. She looked in the cabinets to make sure they had enough tampons. She made a mental note to get more in the morning.
She went to bed to find her already asleep. She wanted to apologize for doubting her, ask her if she were okay, but she had slept. Sara kissed her wife's brow and fell asleep until the sleeping body beside her shook her and the monitor on the other side reverberated the sounds of one of her crying babies.
"Please get her," Tegan said. "I'm in so much pain."
"Okay, okay."
It was Rose that screeched loudly and horrifically. Sara rocked her gently, shushing her and assuring her that everything's alright. Tegan called from the bedroom a minute later.
"I think she had a nightmare," Sara said, getting inside with Rose in her arms. The toddler harbored her face in her mother's shoulder and cried loudly.
"God, it always happens." Sara nodded, sitting down and taking a look at the baby's face.
"What's up, Rosie?" she cooed softly. "The Tegan mommy and the Sara mommy are both here." While Rose looked at her other mother, Tegan burst out in laughter. "That's funny?"
"Yeah," she mumbled. "Let me nurse her. She'll feel better. My little crybaby." She grabbed her from Sara and sat up more. "God, my head and my cramps are killing me both. I need an Advil."
"Getting you one right away."
"Thank you," she whispered before Sara could leave.
"Hey," she looked down at her child. Rose's eyes stared at her droopily as she nursed. "I thought you're a big girl now, not a little baby like Scarlet and you don't need my boobie anymore." Rose closed her eyes, ignoring her mother's words. Tears still ran past her small lids and by instinct Tegan's tears ran down her eyes, too. "It's fine, baby. You can nurse all you want like your sister. I know you both need me, and I'm sorry I give all my attention to her…" She paused, tears turning into heavy cries. "Sometimes I just feel like she needs me more than you do…Sometimes I feel like you need Sara more than you need me. You're always quiet around her…and then…there's Scarlet who's only quiet around me. She also didn't get any of my milk when you were sick. I had to give it all to you, so I feel bad constantly…that I didn't give her what you got. She was such a weak baby, too. Now she's strong. You two make each other strong…like mommy and I do…" Sara was staring at her when she looked up. Those weren't tears in her eyes. Just wonder. Silent, glassy wonder.
She approached her slowly, handed her a glass of water and the pill. Tegan put it down on the bedside table and smiled at her wife whose lips had just touched her sweaty brow. "I wonder if she understands," asked the younger woman.
"Some words," Sara said. "She knows you're sad." Tegan nodded. "Can I confess something?"
"What is it?"
"I thought you were lying to me when you said you had your period so you wouldn't sleep with me." Tegan looked down with a chuckle. "Then I saw blood on your shorts…"
"I wouldn't lie to you; I would just tell you I'm not in the mood like I always do." Sara nodded.
"I'm sorry," she said after two seconds of stillness. Tegan smiled and handed her the sleeping baby. She grabbed the Advil and swallowed it. "Want me to get the heating pad?"
"I'll literally fuck you so well the moment I can if you get it." Sara's loud laughter almost woke up Rose. "Shhh. Take her to her crib, Ralphie."
"Oh, no. Not the name." She stood up with all her feminine glory, exposing opposite traits of the name Tegan had just used for her.
Sara woke up early next morning. She didn't have to be at the department until ten, but she knew she needed to get some groceries and start on the food early in the morning in case she felt like lazing around Tegan's body when she returned in the afternoon.
She woke up around the same time her kids did. She gave them their morning bottles while working on the breakfast and talked to them a little bit. While frying the bacon, she noticed that Scarlet was trying to reach out to her sister, using her almost empty bottle to nudge her sister, who moaned without detaching herself from her morning meal.
Sara tsked and glared at her older daughter. "Scarlet," she said in a serious tone that her daughter jumped upon hearing. "Don't bother Rosie." Scarlet dropped her bottle to the floor and made an audible incomprehensible plea by putting both arms up in the air and shouting, "Up, up, up."
"Okay, okay." Sara laughed a little. "You really did take Audrey's genes, didn't you?"
She was picked up and placed down. Her sister stared at her in the usual daze she owned. Sara pecked Rosie's cheeks and lectured Scarlet about staying still in the kitchen. The toddler looked up at her mother with mischievous big green orbs then quickly took her steps further away, escaping from the space between Sara's legs as she stood. Sara's lips widened as her daughter completely dismissed her. She tried to keep an eye on her while cooking, but it was hard because the toddler roamed the kitchen and talked so loudly while her sister answered. Most of it was nonsense and some 'mommy' was thrown in between. Sara tried to entertain their chatter, but she eventually got dizzy and ignored them. A few minutes later, she heard a screech coming from behind. It was Rose's because her twin was pinching her foot from underneath.
"Scarlet," Sara screamed and the little toddler giggled maniacally, taking hasty steps away from her sister and mother. She sought the empty space underneath the kitchen table for shelter. Sara sighed and grabbed her. She picked her up and grimaced. "You smell like poop."
"Poop?" she repeated innocently, face red and full of devilish energy.
"Yes, poop." She kissed her forehead and went back to the pan she had the sausages in. "Fuck," Sara mumbled to herself. "Look what you made me do." She took out the burnt sausages and huffed in irritation. Scarlet put her head on her chest and wrapped both arms around her. "Oh, what's wrong?" She looked down and found her baby finally relaxed. She looked back at Rose who was playing around with her toy and bottle.
Maybe it was her heartbeat that calmed down the kid. Maybe it was her energy running low…or the fact her diaper was full. Maybe she needed a nap. But it was too early for that. They usually took their naps after their second breakfast meal.
Sara took them upstairs. She changed for them and dragged them with her toward her bedroom where Tegan was lying in bed with eyes open, squinting at her phone.
"Good morning," Sara said with a smile.
"Morning," Tegan answered with a yawn. "When did you all wake up?"
"A while ago." Sara and her two kids all sat on the mattress. The girls jumped at their mother immediately. "Girls, no, leave her alone." Sara tried to pull them back, but Tegan mouthed that it was okay. "I gave them their bottles and changed their diapers." Tegan squeezed her hand. "And made breakfast."
"Thank you," she said while kissing both of her girls. "You two smell nice for once." She laughed a little.
"And you look really tired," Sara remarked. "Are you okay? You're really pale."
"It's my period," mumbled Tegan. "Aren't you used to me looking like a beat-up ghost during it?" Though Sara laughed, she shook her head and leaned in to kiss her wife, realizing she hadn't even kissed her the day before. "Mmmm, you too smell nice."
"Thank you, ma'am." Sara winked and sat up. "Though I do have to shower because beneath the smell of detergent is just one of fried food."
"Go shower, babe. I'll stay here with the kids so we can go down for breakfast after."
Tegan couldn't fulfill her promise. She had to use the bathroom urgently. She opened the door and went inside as if they didn't have other bathrooms in the house she could use the way Sara always did when Tegan was inside the bathroom.
The toddlers followed, making Sara close the water since her peace of mind underneath the cascading gentle stream was abruptly interrupted.
"What the hell?" Sara said from behind the glass door.
"Sorry," Tegan said quickly, laughter harbored in her voice. "I had to use the bathroom." Sara couldn't do anything but sigh and resume her shower.
Only a second later her kids knocked on the glass door. Their small palms hit the glass with all the force their tiny bodies could provide. Sara closed the water again with a mountain of foam on her hair and opened the door, looking down at two babies standing before her and Tegan still seated on the toilet.
"I love the fact that privacy is just nonexistent in this bathroom." Her wife laughed and stood up. She pulled up her underwear and pajama pants while the kids whined around their other mother. "What do they want?" Sara asked frustratingly as she attempted, with one palm, to cover up her nether region.
Tegan walked to the faucet to wash her hands. "They wanna shower with you. They're saying 'in'; can't you hear them?" Sara huffed in irritation. "They've been showering with me the whole time when I was in San Diego."
"Damn, Tee, that's not supposed to happen." Tegan walked up to the girls and picked them up each in one arm to get them away from Sara. "We've read about this…"
"They're literally babies. They don't comprehend shit." She looked down at her wife's hand and pushed it away. "They literally have what you have." Sara furrowed her brows in discontent. "Plus, where would I leave them?" She turned around and walked away, allowing Sara to finally resume her shower.
She didn't even close the door behind.
Sara already missed her privacy, but she wouldn't trade Tegan's chaos for anything.
Tegan, too, loved teasing Sara. She knew Sara loved every sinew and vein within her. She was aware of Sara's infinite passion for her; the way her glassy eyes warmed up watching her approaching silhouette at the airport. Sara's accentuated heartbeats that only she could hear when around the women. Perhaps because they were louder and quicker as if it were the first time Tegan was staying over. Sara's soft kisses and gentle words. Sara's velvety touch, her long fingers wrapped around her arm, squeezing and rubbing. Her mother didn't know what she talked about because that love Sara provided couldn't ever let her go, wouldn't ever make her leave. Sara was everything that her life revolved around and only around her she felt like home. No matter how crazy and messed up that home was; it was still home. Like all homes. The good and the bad. The calm and the calamity. Sara was her home.
She missed Sara when the woman departed for her job. She made the bed and tidied the room. She finished the cooking Sara had started with and breastfed her kids when they woke up from their nap. She showered and called Emy to make sure they were coming tonight.
She also checked on her secret sex toys stash to make sure Sara hadn't found it. Her wife never snooped, but she had to make sure just in case Sara got bored and decided to flip the place upside down and look into her harbored secrets; the vibrating ring, the wand, the small dildo she loved so much, her favorite lube that made her clit sting, her secret poetry and reflections notebook, Sara's own notebook handed to her when they got back together. Those were her own personal objects. Maybe one day she would tell Sara about them but not today or anytime soon.
She felt tired when her friends visited after dinner. Stacy brought her famous pecan pie that Sara hated and she loved. Emy brought a bottle of red wine that Sara cheered at.
Stacy was definitely hungry for chatter. She told them about Emy's mother and Emy joined in the gossip.
"Like, fuck her, honestly, she can't keep doing this whenever she sees me," Emy said loudly.
"Language," Tegan said while Ella sat on her lap and her kids roamed around her legs.
"Yeah, Em, language," Stacy agreed. "Ella, can you leave Tegan alone? Her kids are enough."
"No," Ella projected loudly. "I missed Tegum." She wrapped her arms around her favorite woman and put her head on her chest. Scarlet fussed and whined and Rose began to cry, looking at her other mother, eyes begging for attention.
"Now look at that," Sara said with a sigh, grabbing the twins and putting them on her lap. She showered the two with kisses despite their cries and Tegan just watched with surrender on her face. Ella wouldn't let her go no matter what.
"She can say your name correctly, by the way," Emy remarked. "I heard her."
"Nooooo," screeched the six-year-old. "I don't know how." She glared at Emy, tears collecting in her eyes.
"It's fine, El, they're all just jealous of you." Tegan kissed her forehead and stuck her tongue out at Emy, who giggled heartfully and sighed in content.
"But why did you just come back so suddenly? I talked to Sara like two days ago and she wasn't sure when you were coming back," Stacy asked. Blue eyes shifted from the younger woman to her best friend as she chewed the piece of pie she had just put in her mouth.
"Umm…I…uh…" Tegan looked at Sara, whose lips had just touched Rose's head. "I had some argument with my mom and I just…I couldn't bear it…I also missed Sara and…" Stacy was nodding; the message was clear. She wanted her to stop.
"What happened? What did she say?" Emy asked instead.
"I don't…" Tegan shrugged. "I don't want to talk about it," she whispered in the suddenly quiet room.
The three women didn't say anything after. The silence took its time erasing the comfort and increasing the pain in Tegan's insides. She put her head back on the couch and shut her eyes tightly.
Sara got up to pour herself another glass of wine. "Ella, can you come here? I wanna talk to you." Stacy and Emy shared a stealthy, secretive conversation with quick glances toward one another.
Ella kissed Tegan's cheek and hopped off her lap. Tegan opened her eyes and smiled. Emy touched her hand and squeezed it.
"Who got you these beautiful shoes?" Sara asked the child. "They seem so nice."
"Daddy," Ella shouted with laughter, red-faced and cheery-eyed. The other three women laughed in unison. "And these pants Emy got them when she came home. And she also got me so much stuff. I will wear them all every day." She ran over to Emy to suffocate her with a hug.
"Did she get you anything, Stacy?" Sara teased, looking between the two women. Tegan's eyes were in slits, too, as she inspected. Scarlet had climbed up the couch and sat next to her, mumbling Ella's name non-stop. It was either 'La' or 'Eya.' Whatever floated her boat. Rose only called her 'La.'
"Oh, she got me something." A smirk was sent Emy's way and Sara's eyes widened.
"I don't wanna know." The two women laughed, but Tegan couldn't join. She put her head on Emy's lap and closed her eyes. "Tee? Wanna go to the room?"
"No, just get me the heating pad." She closed her eyes for a quick second before Scarlet's head collapsed on her chest, making her screech and jump "For fuck's sake, Scarlet." Emy picked up the baby and put her down. Stacy picked her up to distract her from her mother and halt an upcoming tantrum.
"Is it normal she got her period twice this month? Like a week apart?" Sara asked Stacy after handing her wife the heating pad. Rose followed suit wherever she went.
"I guess it could be stress or troubled hormones. She should get a checkup, maybe."
"I did right before we traveled and I was completely fine."
"Then it's just stress, change of climate. It happens." Stacy yawned and stood up. "I think we should leave. I'm getting tired, too." She stretched with another yawn. "Thank God it's finally the weekend. I just need some good sleep."
"God, tell me about it. I could sleep for ages."
"Nah. Don't compare my weekends to yours." Stacy grabbed Ella's jacket and motioned for her to put her arms through the sleeves. "Quick."
Sara hadn't said anything. Her brows were furrowed in puzzlement.
"Your weekends are cleaning and crying. Mine are sleeping and…Emy." Sara's eyebrows were raised. Tegan sat up with a grimace directed toward smirking Stacy. Emy shook her head at her partner. "I'm just telling the truth. Why be pissed about it? Whenever I call you you're either cleaning or you're crying and whining about something. I ask you to relax and have some time for yourself, you tell me you're busy. I ask you busy doing what and you tell me cleaning."
"Well, the house isn't going to clean itself." Sara shrugged before looking down at her daughter. She smiled softly in attempt to conceal sheltered tears.
"I'm not trying to be a bitch. I'm just saying, like when was the last time you spent the whole weekend in bed? Without worries? You're gonna tell me you have toddlers but you were literally alone for the past two weekends. Yet, you woke up at 6, you showered and started cleaning…and then…what did you do? Oh, wait, you worked. I was begging you to go out to the movies or something but you just…"
"Stacy, enough," Emy interrupted. Her sudden ringing octave called for Sara's attention. She had never heard that timber before. Sara had successfully blocked out her best friend the moment she started rambling, an art she had mastered so well. That was Stacy. She got used to it.
Tegan had a sizeable frown on her face.
"God, I'm sorry." Stacy sighed. "I'm really not trying to be a bitch; I just worry about you and…you two…God, I'm gonna go ahead and say it. I'm concerned. I truly am. Like…try to at least sleep together…I don't know. Go out on dates…I'll babysit…Just…"
"What concerns you?" Tegan suddenly asked. Her voice was low but shaky. "What makes you think we don't sleep together? Has Sara told you that?"
"I have no…"
"No, Sara doesn't tell me shit anymore," Stacy interrupted frustratingly. She sat down again. Ella's face looked up at her with angry confusion. "I just know…I know my best friend well…and I know you. I can read people. It's…Never mind me. It's ridiculous." She stood up at once with a loud huff. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry."
"Stacy, just go," Sara whispered shortly. "You're sleepy and saying nonsense."
Emy stood up as well. She hugged her friend goodbye and planted an awkward wave Sara's way before taking Ella's small hand in hers and walking toward the staircase to go down. Stacy mouthed a regretful apology to Sara, who gently pushed her down the stairs as well so she could close the door and call it a night.
She could barely drive herself home. Frozen tears ran past her lids as she wore her regret on her limbs. Ella fell asleep in the car and Emy carried her to her bedroom. She, on the other hand, took refuge in her own bedroom and buried her face and sorrow in her hands. Sobbing mechanically, she sniffled with loud breathy sounds. Emy's hand rubbed her back when she entered the room.
"I really didn't mean to," Stacy breathlessly uttered. "I always do this…I always fuck up and say shitty things to her because my mind just doesn't…add…add up." She could barely utter her words because of the amount of sniffling and weeping she was doing.
"It's fine, Stacy. I think she got it. Just sleep it off now and apologize in the morning." Emy kissed her temple and stood up. She left her to her misery and left for the bathroom. She had really fucked it up that time and she wasn't going to sleep the whole night thinking about it.
Sara didn't think much about it. She had become attuned to Stacy's blabber. She put her babies to bed while her mind repeated Stacy's words as if they were one of Tegan's favorite podcasts she would use as background noise to cover up the pumping machine sound.
Tegan, alternatively, took Stacy's words to heart and recited the verses of her rebuke in her head. Another panic attack was approaching, so she lay down and took deep breaths to sooth herself.
Sara's fatigued body invaded the room the moment she began to relax. "Still in severe pain?" Tegan shook her head, taking one more breath. "What's up?"
"Why did she say that?" asked Tegan uneasily.
Before joining her wife in bed, she sighed and turned off the alarm on her phone. Fuck morning routines. She was going to sleep in. "Remember when you came in to see me that day…umm a few years ago…when…"
"Yeah, yeah…" Tegan despised that day and the memory it carried. When recollections crept onto her mind and tickled her brain, the ones she avoided were Sara's sickness, rejection, and her flaws dealing with that. Those were awful days and she would take years of misery with Sara the wife than be robbed off of her without knowing why.
"Yeah, well, remember how mean she was and how you couldn't tolerate that when we were just getting back together two years ago?" Tegan nodded. Sara noticed the lump she swallowed. "So why are you surprised?"
"She was trying to protect you then. She was going through a lot and you were…" Tegan paused for a second. "Are you okay?" She sat up immediately. "You're not sick, are you?" Her panic rocketed back onto her body, activating her tears and calamity. "Sara, please tell me."
"No, no, no, no." Sara sat up, too. She held the shaking hands and shushed the whimpering voice. "No, Tegan, what's wrong? She just thinks you and I are…in a bad place. I don't know what you told her when you called about your mastitis, but she picked it up then and…"
"I haven't told her anything…I…" Tegan hiccupped. "I swear, Sara, I…just needed to rant about feeling like I couldn't deal with motherhood. I was tired and…"
"God, Tee." She wrapped her arms around the shivering body and rested her chin above Tegan's head. She had to calm her down. Those panic attacks were getting frequent and terrible. "Did you say motherhood or…marriage?" she inquired gently; eyes small, full of locked tears causing hazel eyes to turn a light shade of olive. "Because there's a stark difference, darling, and I…I got the idea that it was me…and I think you told her it was me…"
"It's not you." With a sniffle, Tegan put her head down on the pillow and closed her eyes. "I don't know."
Silence blanketed the ambiguity of indecisiveness. Sara knew the answer; therefore, Tegan's vagueness hadn't surprised her. Since ever she told her to go back alone, Sara's head recited whatever…whatever…whatever happened, happened. I don't fucking care anymore. I can't do anything about it. Whatever. And she knew too well it was that mindset Stacy attacked tonight. The surrendering brain that the other woman had been familiar with. That brain, Stacy once told her, surrendered to disappointments and would surrender to disease easily. First her parents, Katina, Jack, then Tegan back when Tegan's mother fucked her life up…and now Tegan.
But could she really do anything about it? No, whatever.
"My mom and I fought because…" Words disappeared. Whenever Tegan attempted uttering the truth that her mind hated to believe, words vanished, took refuge in her mind, troubled her sleep, and hurt her chest.
"You don't have to say it," Sara mumbled.
"I have to," Tegan insisted despite the ache her heart felt and the tears that stung her lids. "She thinks you and I should get a divorce and that you should take the children because it's not working anymore." Sara only chuckled. "I couldn't take these words. I said mean things to her…things I shouldn't have said." Her hand moved to wipe her runny nose. "I reminded her of her problems with dad when they were very young and how they almost had a divorce and I…I just made her feel so shitty, and I couldn't stay there…I just…"
"Well, your mom shouldn't have a saying about your life." Sara turned around and faced the other side. "And you shouldn't project on her…"
"Sara." Baffled with her wife's attitude, Tegan sat up again, more tears and weeping accompanied. "We're talking."
"Tegan, what do you want me to say to you?" Those words were spoken loudly. The hurt in her timber announced its unwelcomed stay. Her tears decided to stab her in the back, declaring their objection toward her 'whatever' method. She knew she cared. Fuck this. She knew she would die if Tegan left her. "You want to divorce me? Go fucking ahead." Her lisp was pitiful and so were her stuttered words. She was a child in her mother's arms again, begging for her mother to keep on feeding her, unable to let go, unable to understand that she wasn't supposed to be breastfed at that age.
"Would I be here if I wanted that?" Tegan said calmly. "Would I just leave her and not talk to her?" She huffed and cried and squeezed her eyes shut to help herself stay awake. "I don't think I can ever leave you…or imagine that…" It hurt her admitting it to herself. She felt weak admitting it to herself and to Sara so loudly. "It scares me that I am so attached to you and…I feel like sometimes I don't know me enough. You're all I've known about me." Sara nodded, her tears dissipating. "I don't feel safe without you. I feel lost. I feel like I am not home; not myself. I even feel anxious. I worry."
Though her boiling anger sat on its throne in her chest, her hand still acted against it and rubbed the soft hairs on her wife's arm, a gesture of endearment that usually helped her relax. "But do you love me in a…lover way? I know you love me in caretaker way. I understand that. But the way two women love each other…is it present?"
"God, Sara, of course." She sniffled one last time and pushed her head back against the headboard. "This is not something I'm worried about. I'm just…worried about my attachment and my other type of love to you…the parent that I see in you. My sexual attraction to you and affection haven't altered; it's just the other feelings that just sometimes make me feel confused. Feeling so dependent on you and then I'm the mother of your children. Feeling like we're roommates who are raising some babies, or feeling like you're my professor whom I can't be myself around…I have all those feelings that I just hate…"
"What about feeling like I'm your wife?" her question was timid but also clearly stated.
"The woman who equally can't live without you, who feels sexual attraction to you and wishes this feeling to be met, who wishes to feel like she is your wife, but sometimes you reject her because of the whole confusion you have? Why can't we deal with this situation?"
Although Tegan was quiet for a bit after Sara's statement, she eventually answered,
"Sometimes I forget you're my wife when you order and control and just…you know, become this micromanaging person, but other times…like the past two days…I remember and I love them…but then I get my period and I can't do anything about…" Sara's loud laughter interrupted her jumbled speech. "Sara," she whined with a chuckle accompanied by a single falling tear.
"It doesn't have to be sex. Kisses do, hugs, sweet words…I know you hate when I'm bitchy. I hate me, too. I…God..." Sara inhaled and exhaled deeply before continuing, "I know you liked me better the past two days. I noticed it, too. I know my behavior is different. I suppose I tend to get mean and I am sorry about it. Always am. You can always tell me, you know." Tegan nodded. "And I'll always remind you when you start acting as if I'm your dad bringing groceries or somethi…"
"Ewww, no…" Upon laughter, her head fell on Sara's shoulder. "Never…my mom…mayb…" Tegan fake gagged before she could even continue. "I hate that image. Please don't put it in my brain again."
"Sorry, babe." Sara kissed her head. "Although a few individuals call their lovers daddy…I wouldn't mind if you…"
"Please, shut up, old lady."
"It's better than Ralph." Tegan poked her side, making her squeak. "Tegan, no."
"I'm not calling you daddy," Tegan said. She yawned and pushed herself down on the mattress again. "Maybe if you have sex with me in the morning."
Although Sara's eyes widened in hopeful, sensual delight, her smirk faded quickly. "You're menstruating."
"Does that repulse you?" Tegan asked, half of her brain was asleep, the other said whatever she could think of. "Stacy and Emy do it."
"I mean, yeah…" She took a moment of silent pondering before she continued, "Wait…no, it doesn't repulse me, but yeah I know they…Tegan?" Tegan was fast asleep. "Tee?" She shook her head to herself, kissed the tearstained cheek and overthought the heavy conversation till slumber caught up to her.