Fuck. That was definitely not a sight for sore eyes, Emy pondered as her watery irises widened while spectating the devastating scene right before her.
Stacy struggled to assuage the cries of her wailing best friend, to pull her up the floor and place her on the couch.
When Sara called with screams and cries only an hour before, they both guessed that Tegan had harmed herself. However, Tegan had just chosen to harm everyone else but herself.
Emy couldn't understand it; why would her friend do such a thing? Why would she walk out? What about those tiny lost kids who cried and stared and looked for their mother?
They lied to them. She and Stacy told them that Tegan had to urgently visit grandma, whom they looked for all around the house, unable to comprehend that she was in a different country. The tantrum commenced right after. Sara cried and the little girls screeched. Stacy tried to calm one of them down and Emy held the other.
"Mummy will be back," Stacy lied and a tear escaped Emy's eyes simultaneously to Sara's loud intake of breath. "She just has to visit grandma urgently because she's sick. Sasa Mummy is here."
Sara, however, was mentally not present. Emy eyed her as she wept, sniffled, and hiccupped. Her eyeliner had not only stained her face but also her white shirt.
Emy still attempted contacting Tegan, but the phone was still locked.
"Guess we're sleeping over," mumbled her wife, looking at her own child bewildered and confounded, wondering if she were able to predict Tegan's permanent departure.
"I still can't believe she did this." She was gently rocking the two-year old toddler. Scarlet's small hand tightly clutched her navy sweater and her face wet her shoulders.
"Shhh," Stacy warned with the other girl in her arms.
"Sorry," whispered Emy and turned around toward Sara's almost lifeless body on the couch. Her tears ran and her eyes stared at the ceiling widely as she slouched in the most disheveled manner she had ever seen her in.
Was that how she looked when during her illness when Tegan first loved her?
"Okay, let's get them to bed and I'll try to take her upstairs and get her to change and wash up," Stacy suggested and Emy nodded. "El, stay here, babe. We'll be right back."
They placed each girl in her crib. Emy paused at their dirty attire while taking Scarlet's shoes off. "We haven't even taken them to the bathroom," she whispered to her wife. "Or changed their clothes."
"It's fine," mumbled the older woman, staring down at sleeping Rose with her thumb in her mouth and her tears stuck to her cheeks. "Let's go." At least they got them asleep, now they had Sara to take care of.
"Come on," she told her best friend after placing her hands beneath the woman's sweaty arms in order to pull her up. "Please let me get you to your room."
The tears returned to Sara all at once. She gasped for breath. "Why did she leave me? Why does everyone leave me? I can't live without her." Emy and Stacy had an exchange of looks, both worried about the mental state of the child in the room.
"Ella, let me take you to bed. We're staying here, honey," she suggested, holding the hand of the six-year-old child whose eyes widened and lips parted in loss and confusion.
A quick 'thank you' was mumbled by Stacy and a nod was the response. Emy and Ella went upstairs, leaving Stacy to struggle with Sara.
It took Emy time to carefully respond to all the curious inquiries of the child as she tucked her in the bed that she and her partner had previously spent multiple nights on. She wondered if Stacy was going to spend the night in Sara's bed or eventually join her in the guest bedroom. Knowing Sara's mental state, though, and her previous year's overdose of sleeping pills, she knew Stacy was not going to leave.
"But why did you tell Soosie and Rosie that she's visiting their grandma?" the little girl wondered with the heavy duvet almost covering her mouth. The three of them had been in pajamas, ready to go to bed, when Sara called. They put their parkas on and Stacy drove them to the dwelling of anguish.
"Because she is," whispered Emy, lying in bed next to Ella but not inside the covers. "It's just that…" hesitated Emy; she didn't want to lie to Ella, as her mother always preferred telling her the truth that her brain could absorb, and she didn't want to say something that would make the child upset due to lack of comprehension. "Teetee and Sara had a big fight, so Teetee decided to visit her mom for a bit to relax. We can't tell the babies that. They won't understand."
"Oh." With a sizeable frown, Ella looked down at her little fingers clutching the hem of the duvet. "Is she not coming back ever?"
"Of course she's coming back," Emy answered right away, voice high, no hesitation found. But then she paused and pressed her lips together to swallow the breath she wanted to release lest it ends up sounding like a sob. Why would her best friend do that? Why did she always run away? Was she ever going to grow up? This is the same Tegan she had foolishly fallen in love with years before—before Stacy and Ella entered her life, before Scarlet, before Rose, before all that mess that brought them there—yet Tegan still ran away whenever faced with any minor inconvenience. She ran away when Sara left her. She ran back to the States and came back. She ran away from her after a huge fight and hid at Jeremy's. Now she ran away from Sara.
She would come back, right?
Emy knew that Tegan would come back. If not for Sara, for her kids. She loved them more than she loved anybody else, even more than Sara.
She looked beside her to find the child asleep. She closed her eyes and felt the hot tears burning them. They ran down her rosy cheeks down to her chin and spilled on her neck. She didn't want to make a sound and wake Ella up, so she slowly and carefully escaped the room after turning off the light and before she could exhale a sharp moan of distress.
Sara's loud wails from the room at the end of the corridor met her. The door was partially closed. She slowly walked the dark-blue carpeted floor where on her right and left pictures of the babies decorated the creamy walls right before their bedroom on the left with a closed door and the sound of the white noise blocking their mother's cries. To her right, existed another closed door that was yet to be furnished and next to it was a bathroom that Sara and Tegan tried their best to get their kids to use but the little girls insisted they would use their mothers'.
Once her foot stepped on the ledge of the spacious room, she took a deep breath, never intending to trespass the thin barrier she still had between her and her professor. She felt like an intruder when she entered finding Sara crying her eyes out in her wife's arm, face red and sticky and eyes too swollen to open up.
Would Sara ever be okay?
Emy truly didn't think so.
She had witnessed Sara cry many times, but that particular time reminded her of the mistake she had made when she climbed up the third floor and walked down the long corridor of her school, pushed the wooden door that had Sara's name on it and told her about her and Tegan sleeping together.
She had always regretted that moment because it killed Sara.
Right after, she made a complaint about Sara harassing her student.
She hated those times. She hated chasing Tegan who was always on the run, and she hated being the reason they were separated for years before reunion.
Emy, unlike everyone else, hadn't ever blamed the cancer for the separation, but herself. She, of course, had never informed anyone that. Emy knew how Sara maddeningly loved Tegan, even more than she loved her children. Everyone knew that.
That meant Sara was never going to be okay.
"Can you hand me her pajamas?" her wife interrupted her silent thoughts. Emy blinked and tears still ran. She wiped them off immediately upon getting the look from Stacy—the look that meant she needed to pull herself together.
Stacy was undressing Sara.
She looked behind her on the dark blue ottoman where Sara's light pink pajamas lay and picked them up only to turn around and find Sara topless.
She almost gasped, but thankfully she didn't. She looked down, however, and Stacy snatched the garments from her hand.
She had definitely trespassed and intruded.
She felt like an interloper.
She had seen Tegan topless countless of times even after marriage because Tegan always breastfed and she knew Stacy and Sara always dressed and undressed in front of one another, but she had never thought she'd see Sara, her professor, topless with her belly hanging down, her stitches apparent, her breasts saggy and old-looking unlike Stacy's, and her yellow panties so unattractive as it hugged her flesh where the cellulite had accumulated and the dark hair of her nether region covered her inner thighs.
That was Sara, raw and real and regretful.
That was not the Sara she had always feared and felt uncomfortable around.
In that instant she felt a deep need to wrap her arms around her and kiss her sweaty forehead, perhaps provide an empty promise that everything was going to be alright and that Tegan would soon be back.
Nevertheless, she didn't.
She couldn't.
Tegan and Stacy never embraced like that though Stacy had nursed her best friend back to health limitless times. Embracing and solace were different, Emy concluded. She didn't even have it in her to apologize to Sara about what happened.
It wasn't fear like it used to be; that time it was just apathy. What would she change if she apologized? Tegan had run away already.
She cried louder now and Sara's eyes met hers.
"Shhhh," Stacy hushed. "Emy," she whispered. "God." She sighed and took a deep breath. Sara's cries also grew louder. "Please calm down," she whispered. "I'm pretty sure she'll call or…we'll try tomorrow. We have to understand. She can't just leave her kids and you know it, Sara."
"But she can leave me," Sara pointed out with a sniffle. "And she knows how much I've wanted those kids so she just left them to me." Sara hiccupped pitifully. "Why would she do this to me? Nothing will ever be okay, God, God…Fucking God, why?" Her last words were screamed and Stacy hushed more fiercely now, with a squeeze on Sara's arm.
"You'll wake your kids up," exclaimed Stacy, eyes wide open staring into her best friend's small and swollen ones. "That's the last thing you want right now. What you need is to sleep, so tomorrow morning we ca understand what the fuck happened."
But how would Sara sleep? Emy watched as she cried and cried and cried. Her tears seemed endless. She was never going to stop crying.
But she eventually did, and her breaths reached evenness. Her soft snores sounded the hour. Emy looked up to find Stacy placing the duvet around her body. She motioned to her wife to follow her out of the room and Emy quietly did, taking one last glance at the anguished face before Stacy turned the lights off.
Stacy first checked on her daughter sleeping peacefully in the guest bedroom. Emy followed wherever her wife went, still feeling like a stranger, a visitor even when she had spent many nights and days in this house.
It was different when Tegan was around.
Without Tegan, it was just Sara's house—her professor's place.
Stacy walked to the living room and immediately began working the coffee machine, sighing loudly as she stared at the clock annoyingly ticking on the wall. She wished she could throw something at the machine of time that never stopped and never retreated.
She wanted the ticks to disappear.
"We gotta figure out why she left. You have to continue calling her tomorrow morning." Stacy had decided to ignore the clock and hush it with chatter. She handed her wife a steaming cup of joe and sat next to her on the couch, immediately slouching with eyes closed, feeling the steam on her face. "I wonder what's this whole Jack thing is she mentioned in the letter." She opened her eyes again and looked at her baffled wife. "Sara can't be flirting with Jack or cheating on Tegan. That's…I mean nothing is impossible especially when they've been like that for a while, but Jack?" Stacy shook her head, taking a sip of the burning liquid. "That's fucked up if it's true."
Emy nodded slightly and looked down at her own mug, still hadn't taken a sip.
"Are you okay?" Stacy whispered, suddenly remembering it was her wife's best friend who had run away, the person who had known her for years. "I'm sorry," Stacy said, wrapping an arm around her wife whose tears resumed and stung her eyes.
Emy put her head on her wife's shoulder and closed her eyes. "I'm just shocked," she mumbled. "Never saw it coming."
"Well, I did," Stacy stated. A furrowed brow and a confounded gaze met her. "I warned Sara that if she wasn't going to change with Tegan, someday Tegan would leave and you know very well it was Sara's bitchiness that had started this whole thing."
"Yeah," Emy whispered. She remembered when Sara vented to them a month before, admitting her mistake that eventually resulted in this chaos.
"I really don't know how she'll get over it ever."
"Yeah," Emy repeated, staring straight ahead with wide blue eyes. She was in a daze and her wife could tell.
"Talk to me, Emy. You don't seem okay."
"No, I'm just…" She looked down at ger mug again and sighed loudly, finally deciding to take a sip. "I got a bit of a shake when I saw you helping her change."
"Why?"
"Uh…her…" Her face burned and Stacy almost laughed. "Her body's…"
"You're not serious, are you?" Chuckled Stacy.
"No, no…don't get me wrong." The last thing she wanted was to sound judgmental. "It just made me surprised because I could never tell how umm…huge her breasts were, or…the stitches…and the, like…everything. I've always thought she was perfect. I mean that's how Tegan always described her. She was so envious of Sara's body and hated her own very much, but…"
Nodded Stacy. "Yeah, but Sara's boobs are even bigger and Tegan couldn't even see that. Tegan's boobs aren't even that big, but she has this issue with her body so we never really mentioned it…or compared or told her."
"Yeah," whispered Emy. "It's not just the boobs. It's everything. I had thought Sara was the perfect doll…"
"She really isn't," interrupted Stacy with a laugh. "That's how Tegan painted her to you because she loved her. Sara used to hate her body as much as Tegan did when we were young. Now she doesn't care, but she still hates how saggy her breasts are and how large her nipples are when she didn't even breastfeed. She used to tell me she had the body of a woman who had ten kids after Alice's death. It was hard for her to live with the changes and see them every day without the…reward. Tegan loved her, though, and loved her body, so Sara stopped caring about how everything looked."
"Why did she leave then?" wondered Emy loudly. "If she loved her, why did she do this?"
"Well, like I said, because my friend is a bitch and Tegan also doesn't love herself and only seeks it from Sara, so whenever she suspects there's deprivation, she runs away."
"I mean Tegan always ran away," Emy said. "It's not new."
Stacy agreed with her silence. The couple finished their coffee and separated upon the older woman's request; Emy spent the night beside Ella and Stacy beside her best friend. Both hoped the morning would bring answers.
Before the morning arrived, the soft sounds of the toddler calling "Mama, mama," repeatedly woke both women up. Rose stood in the semi-dark room, holding her small teddy bear close to her chest. Sara's eyes narrowed in fatigue and confusion, part of her hoping the events of the previous night were only a dream and that the woman who lay beside her was none other than Tegan, but she knew Tegan's scent well and she didn't recognize it around.
"Mummy," called Rose again, tapping her mother's shoulder. "Poopy," she said, alerting her mother and causing her to spring up out of bed.
"Let's…" Before she could finish, she realized that Rose had already peed herself. The child didn't seem one bit ashamed or bothered. She stood there looking down at the wet spot between her legs, waiting for her mother to rise up and change for her. "Oh."
"What's wrong?" Stacy asked groggily.
"Nothing. She wet her pants. Go back to sleep." Sara stood up in a yawn. Often times it was her in Stacy's place asking that question. Her wife would give her the same response she had just given her best friend.
Her wife! She wanted to laugh at the irony. She wanted to cry while changing for Rose in the bathroom. When she took her back, she noticed Scarlet's eyes glaring at her.
"Scar, baby? Go back to sleep." She was about to place Rose in her bed when she realized she had to clean the mattress and change the sheets, too. She sighed loudly, remembering the letter. Maybe she should have put on a diaper to avoid this. She was not in the mood for it.
"Okay, umm…" Sara sighed with her toddler in her arms, turning around to look at the other one in her bed, still staring from the periphery, judging and glaring. "How about you sleep next to your sister since your mattress is dirty?" She was about to put Rose down next to her sister when the smell stopped her. She stopped in her place and turned Scarlet around on her back. The sleeping sack was wet and so was the mattress. Scarlet rarely had any accidents, but, luckily to Sara, that night, she did. "God," whispered her mother, cursing herself and her luck under her breath. She placed Rose down on the floor and picked up Scarlet, whose cries resounded in the room.
"Shhh. It's fine. It's fine." She took the child to the bathroom and called for the other one to follow, already undressing Scarlet. Rose walked inside, still holding her teddy bear, hair covering her eyes.
"Poopy, Soosie?" she asked innocently. "Poopie?"
"Yeah," Sara whispered, earning a slap from her daughter. "Hey? What the hell, Scarlet?" Scarlet's tears increased. Her crying became louder. "Oh, honey." She held her close, not knowing what to do, how to console her. She remembered often doing a great job with Ella, but why couldn't she do that with her own children? "Even mummy pees herself sometimes," she decided to say, but the attempt wasn't comprehended.
"Is everything okay?" Stacy said, entering the bathroom.
"Yeah. They both…" Stacy nodded, understanding immediately. "I'll just put on diapers for them and get them with me in bed. Is that okay? Their mattresses are dirty."
"Sara, are you really asking me this?" Stacy sat on the closed toilet seat and yawned. "It's your bed. They're your children. They need you and you need them right now."
Sara's tears immediately commenced upon hearing that. She didn't want her daughter to see her, so she turned around and wiped her tears quickly.
She was able to put Rose in a diaper, but Scarlet refused, almost throwing a fit. She hated it so much and called it, "Stinky." Of course, her lisp was stronger than ever that her mother barely understood her, but when she did, she smiled and held her close to her chest, kissing her temple.
Despite them being heavy, Sara still carried the twins together each in an arm to her bedroom. She placed them beside each other where Stacy had lain and held them close to her chest as they cuddled up into her. Stacy had excused herself to the guest bedroom where her wife and daughter slept. Sara shed silent tears with her eyes closed until she and her kids fell asleep.
She awoke before her daughters, and she awoke with a striking migraine due to the tears she had shed the night before. When she went downstairs, she found her friends sitting at the kitchen table with fatigued eyes and careworn glances. If they looked that terrible, she probably looked worse. She didn't even take a look at herself in the mirror. She just wanted answers. Her phone was held close to her drumming chest as she sat down facing both Emy and Stacy.
Small talk was exchanged before Emy cleared her throat and said, "I couldn't get Tegan to pick up, but Sonia eventually did." Sara looked up at her immediately, glittering pain reemerging at the mention of her mother-in-law's name. "What I understood is that she and Steve are also confused and were shocked when she arrived there at dawn."
"Did she say anything else?" Sara asked apprehensively. The two women affirmed her fears when they looked at one another. "What?"
"Can I check something on your phone?" Stacy inquired, already extending her arm to reach for Sara's phone which was still nursed in her hand.
"Why?" whispered Sara, holding her phone closer.
"Uh…she mentioned something…," Emy faltered.
"You and Jack," Stacy exclaimed shortly. "What's going on between you and Jack? She mentioned it in the letter and told her mom something is going on between you two and she couldn't take watching it anymore."
"Nothing," shouted Sara, dropping her phone on the table. Her eyes watered once again. "What the fuck? Is that the excuse she's using? First, she makes me seem incapable of loving her, then I am bitchy and mean to her, and then I am unable to care for our children and now the excuse is Jack? She's the one…" Sara interrupted herself when Stacy continued shaking her head at Sara's phone screen. Emy was reading, too, lips bitten. "I didn't do anything," she cried loudly.
"Well, you didn't stop him, either."
"He was just flirting," Sara shouted at her best friend, rage swelling up in her chest. "I needed it. I needed to feel like I am a woman, like I mattered, like she loved me."
"My God," whispered Emy to herself, but Sara's vengeful eyes shot daggers her way.
"Give me that phone." She grabbed her phone from Stacy and rushed dialing up Sonia. "If she's making excuses to leave me, let it fucking be," she said with hysterical crying. "I don't need…"
"Hello?" Sonia picked up immediately, so Sara interrupted herself. "Sara, hi."
"Why did she do this?" Sara only screamed with heavy tears. "Does she hate me? Does she hate her children? God." She hiccupped and wailed but only dead silence and sniffling met her. "I didn't do anything. I never cheated on her. I know I am mean sometimes but I love her. I loved her more than anything. I love her more than I love our children." Her cries were agonizing to hear. Stacy had joined the tears, worried that her best friend was going to lose it.
"Sara, I really don't know what to tell you. I don't understand it either."
"You fucking do," screeched Sara maniacally. "You're probably happy now that she left me. I know it was you who told her to leave. You got what you wanted." The sniffling on the other line increased, and Sara realized it was Tegan's sniffling. The phone was on speaker and her wife was listening. "I know you're listening to this, Tegan." More cries came from the other line and a shush was murmured. "Don't shut her up. Let me talk to her," Sara's voice was loud and angry as she shouted at her mother-in-law. "Why did you do this to us?"
Only cries met her. No answers. Tegan just didn't want to talk to her.
"Are we getting a divorce?" Eventually Sara asked amidst the chaos. "Or do you just want to leave me and have nothing to do with us? Should I act like you're dead? They couldn't sleep last night wondering where you are. At least don't punish them for this."
That made Tegan's cries wrestle with her sanity. She fell down on her mattress where she had been sitting the entire phone call and wept knowing Sara's words made sense and she had not thought about all of those possibilities.
Was she punishing Sara, herself, or her kids?
Or maybe, if she died, she was saving them.
"Stop being so dramatic," Sonia shouted frustratingly right after she ended the call with Sara. "I still don't get why you don't want to tell her about your heart's condition." She sighed and rubbed her forehead. "My God, I knew this marriage was going to end up like this."
"Spare me the 'I told you so bullshit,' please," Tegan begged, sobbing in her own hands. "I came here to get treated, but I won't fucking bother you. I'll find a job and a place to stay at. I just need support around me, please."
Sonia sat next to her daughter, closing her eyes for mere seconds and removing the distance between her and her miserable daughter. She wrapped an arm around the shaking shoulders and kissed her temple. "I'm sorry," whispered the mother. "I know you're scared. I'm shit scared, too." She began to cry at the thought of her daughter's surgery. "But your dad promised all will be fine. You're going to be fine."
"I feel like a coward," mumbled Tegan. "But I really couldn't do it. I just couldn't. I felt like I was suffocating and suffocating her, too." Her mother only nodded. "Maybe you were right. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I'd regret this. Maybe my kids will grow up to hate me." She almost choked on a sob saying that. "I'm a shitty mom."
"You're too young to be a mom," Sonia whispered. "I just think you need this time off for yourself…and for her, too. You two need to understand yourselves. You haven't lived the life of an adult post-graduation properly. You need to discover yourself and what you really want."
That sounded like everything her therapist had told her. She wiped her nose and nodded. "I always run away. I did it once when I felt suffocated here." Silence met her; that meant her mother agreed.
"You know," the soft voice interrupted the short moments of silence, "there's nothing wrong with distancing yourself when you feel fed up. You didn't run away from here. You just…distanced yourself. You tried to figure out who you are by moving to Canada."
"And I ended up back where I was," Tegan continued for her mother. "Just…a child dependent so much on her mother and instead of my mother, I sought that…that comfort from her." Sonia shrugged. "God, I get it now." She sniffled some more and wiped her tears.
"Maybe it's my fault," Sonia pondered loudly. "I…I always had this grip on you, spoiled you, and babied you until…"
Tegan chuckled. "Please." She rolled her eyes. She wanted to accuse her mother of being cold-hearted, of being mean, of being neglectful, and of choosing when to be loving and when to desert Tegan.
Tegan didn't, though. She had a heart that was racing over time and a headache that threatened her wakefulness. She knew she was going to spend the days crying in bed until Monday when she had to temporarily pause her tears and get tested.
After that, an appointment for her surgery would be set.
God knows what would happen.
She had a feeling that her father might inform her wife, so she made sure to tell him more than once that she didn't want Sara to know…at least not then.
She would chase her.
She would take the kids and visit.
Tegan knew that her heart's problem wasn't the reason she ran away, but Sara would think it was. Sara would suffocate her again.
It was the last thing she needed.
Sleeping in her bed alone felt strange that night, though. Nobody woke her up. Nobody called her "mummy" or "mama" or "Teetee." Nobody cried or whined and the familiar scent of her lover wasn't anywhere to lull her to sleep.
That scent of the peach lotion mixed with coconut hair shampoo and a splash of perfume Sara would put in order to make herself appealing because she truly thought she was a turn-off even though Tegan often masturbated to thoughts of her when good porn couldn't be acquired.
God, she forgot her sex toys and her laptop.
Idiot.
She forgot some of her favorite items, too: her coffee mug, the yellow scrunchie she and Sara fought over, her journal (though she rarely wrote in it), and some of her makeup.
She could ask Sara to ship her laptop to her.
Or Emy.
When things were better.
When she could get the courage to talk to Sara.
Was she supposed to file for divorce? What was she supposed to do?
She grabbed the pillow next to her and hugged it. She was also used to having something between her, and she had also forgotten Angel.
It's not like she could just bring it with her.
But at least she brought an item that belonged to each of her daughters and one that belonged to Sara.
She took Sara's favorite dark blue robe that she wore at home because she had always worn it since the day they met and it smelled so tender and sweet like the Sara she once loved.
She took a shirt of Scarlet's and one of Rose's to smell the scent of innocence and baby powder on them whenever she missed those girls.
That night she missed them heavily and cried herself to sleep wondering how she would ever get over leaving them.
…
Stacy and Emy spent the entire weekend with Sara and the news was fast spread that Tegan had left her. Jeremy and Denise visited to give solace. Jack called but Sara ignored his many calls. She cried on the phone talking to Dana.
She cried at night, too. She held the girls tightly when they left their beds and came up to her.
Scarlet looked for her mother everywhere and Rose kept quiet with her pacifier in her mouth while sitting on her other mother's lap.
The dread arrived Monday morning when Stacy wasn't around anymore and Sara had to figure out how she would get the girls ready for kindergarten while getting herself ready, too.
She was already late.
Screw it! No first class. She told Jack to tell her students first class was cancelled.
Jack wondered if she was coming.
She only responded with, "Yes, but I'm running late."
She wasn't ready to see him, to talk to him, to face him.
He was probably the happiest.
Who cared? Fuck everyone. Fuck everything. She was going to be alone like she was destined to be…at least now she had the kids she had always wanted. They loved her…right? They wouldn't leave her. She hoped. At least they couldn't then. They needed her then.
Though that morning proved that they needed their other mother when she failed assuaging their synchronized tantrums.
The girls were unhappy with Sara's yelling and hurriedness in the morning. She didn't know how to brush their hair. They both screeched when she ran the comb through their locks and Rose's cries worried her immensely. She always brushed Ella's hair that way, but the girls' hair got tangled in the comb and seemed more disheveled than ever. Maybe she should give them a haircut. God, how did Tegan do it every morning? How did it look neat? How did she have time doing hairstyles?
She ignored their crying and gave both of them high ponytails with the light brown baby hair sticking out everywhere.
She put on jeans for both of them the way she did for herself and covered their bodies well with fall clothes because the weather was already freezing. Before leaving, she remembered she hadn't prepared their lunch boxes.
She had never seen Tegan prepare those. She only saw them being put in their backpacks which she would carry for the two of them before the three left to the car. What would a toddler take to daycare anyway?
In order to shut them up, she handed both of them bottles of milk, warning the two that they needed to be vocal if they wanted to use the bathroom. Both girls calmed down, holding their bottles while sitting on the kitchen's chairs watching their mother pathetically attempt to prepare their lunchboxes.
She had some cucumbers that she chopped for them and put five pieces for each. She put some fruits, too. Some strawberries, raspberries, and little oranges that she took some time chopping and getting rid of their seeds. She also added some snacks but didn't know what more she could add, as she hadn't cooked and Stacy had been ordering takeouts in the past two days. She should have thought of that.
She was already very late when she got to the kindergarten, so she wasn't surprised when the girls weren't allowed in and she was asked to go to the head's office.
The two girls accompanied her inside the cozy room. They immediately raced over to sit on the blue bean bags that were in the room, making the head smile and shake her head. Sara greeted her politely, shaking her hand and sitting down on the chair the woman pointed at.
"I'm very sorry about being late. I understand that there are consequences…"
Sara was interrupted immediately, "Mrs. Clement, we have given you more than a warning before. Please understand that we can't have them back in. We tried to contact you many times. We tried to contact your wife, and we were ignored. We can't accept children that are heavily neglected like that. We almost contacted Child Welfare Services, but…"
"Excuse me?" Sara shot immediately, turning to look back at her kids. "What do you mean Child Welfare? How are my children negl…"
"Please let me speak."
"Mummy," Rose got up, running up to her. "Scawed." She hugged her leg and put her cheek on it, which made the mother burst in tears immediately.
"They're not supposed to be here," whispered the head. "And I can see that your and your wife's emotional states are not quite…"
Sara muted the words the woman was blabbering about. She took a very deep breath and counted till ten in order to regain her composure. She knew if she showed any emotion or defensiveness, she could lose her children. She was aware of the system and she was scared of the system. Her kids were the only blessing remained in her life. She couldn't afford to lose them, too.
"Rosie," whispered Sara, kissing Rose's forehead. "Go sit on the blue beanbag, baby. Stay close to Soosie. Mummy will be done soon." She kissed her forehead again and smiled brightly. "Don't be scared."
"I'm not," Rose said confidently. "You awe." She still couldn't pronounce the 'r' sound, but at least her pronunciation was clear as day compared to Scarlet's whose comprehension skills and intelligence surpassed her sister's, but her pronunciation failed in comparison.
Sara was told not to compare. Her therapist told her the biggest mistake she would do would be comparing, but there she was comparing the two of them mentally. She had to stop failing. Tegan had already left; she didn't want to lose her kids, too.
"I'm not scared, Rosie," assured Sara with a kind laugh. "Mummy is just having a conversation."
"Okay, mummy." Rose leaned in and kissed her mother's cheek, giggling when her mother reacted happily. She went back to her seat where Scarlet sat with the pacifier in her mouth. Sara hated when her kids did that, but she understood that when they felt restless, they pushed the pacifier or their thumbs in their mouths. It was unusual for Scarlet to be that calm, but that only meant she was in deep distress.
Moments later Sara found the reason why. The girls had been permanently expelled due to Rose's lack of potty-training and Scarlet's hyperactive nature accompanied by her constant cursing and improper mispronunciation. She had not been aware it was that terrible. Tegan had told her, but she ignored her. They had agreed that Tegan would take care of such matters, but she laughed at herself for thinking twenty-five-year-old Tegan who cursed 24/7 would be able to take care of such matters.
"I wasn't informed," Sara whispered, making sure her kids wouldn't hear. "My wife has been going through some challenges due to my mother-in-law's ill health." She also had to lie, otherwise, she was going to look bad and possibly lose the kids. "On Friday, she had to take an urgent flight back to her hometown because the girls' grandma was hospitalized. It seems that she forgot to tell me." The head nodded, but didn't say anything. "I…"
"Their files were handed to their mother. I hope you can find a place for them that can accept them soon enough, but make sure they're both properly behaved and potty-trained."
Sara stood up right away, not letting the woman finish her words for she had no mind for altercation that morning. She had always known such places were going to give her a headache and had warned Tegan against enlisting her children there. There were much better kindergartens and preschools that enhanced the kids' mental abilities without taking that amount of money she was paying and without having such a conceited interaction.
She put her head down on the steering wheel after strapping the girls in their car seats. She shed a few tears but immediately stopped herself so the girls wouldn't notice. They were as quiet as their birthmother when careworn. They had the same eyes of her cousin when he stared in confusion. Their full cheeks were red in color and their hair was still a mess she failed so hard to tame.
"Wanna come to work with mummy?" What would she do, anyway? That was her only option. Maybe she could let Dana babysit them if she didn't have a class.
But not Jack.
Never Jack.
"Yesssss," shouted the two excitingly, clapping their hands. Sara laughed a little and looked down at her lap to wipe one more fallen tear.
While driving, Stacy called to check on her. She filled her in quickly and quietly, earning soft gasps of confusion. "What are you gonna do?"
"I don't know," mumbled Sara. "I'll take them to work with me for now and I'll look into it later. I'll ask Dana. She probably knows other options."
"Yeah, but you really need to work on the kids' issues, too."
"I know." She planned to do it. She had to do it, but when…where? How? "I'm going to get consultations on both of their cases."
"You got this, honey," Stacy said lovingly. Sara only hummed. "Take care. I'll call and check up on you later."
"Thank you," said Sara before hanging up.
She took her girls to her office first. Dana had three classes in a row and Jack was no where to be found. Thank God.
"Alright, looks like you two are coming to class with me."
"Class?" wondered Scarlet with her infamous lisp.
"Yes, mummy is a teacher for older people." The girls giggled. "Why is that funny?"
"Like Ms. Corey," said Rose.
"Exactly like Ms. Corey."
"Do you take them poopy, too?" Sara's eyes widened at Scarlet's remark. She couldn't help but laugh.
"I don't. They're old enough to go on their own."
"Old like Stacy?" Rose asked.
"Uh…sure, yes."
"Teetee mummy said auntie Stacy is sixty-nine years old and you're twenty-five and she and Emy are ten. Ella is…" She paused to remember.
"Ella is four." Rose held her four digits happily.
God, Tegan…of course she would tell that to the kids. That was her special humor which Sara adored so much. " Well, I teach people that are nineteen."
The girls pondered quietly before Sara could interrupt their chatter and ask them if they needed to use the bathroom before they went to class with her. She hoped to God they wouldn't embarrass her. She was sure they were going to steal the attention of her toughest class, but so be it. They were cute, chunky, had identical appearances, and looked exactly like her.
"You're going to tell mummy if you need to go potty, okay?" She intended using the correct terms so that the children would get used to them. Both of them nodded like two little dolls as they sat on the couch. "Promise?"
"Promise," the two chanted excitedly.
She held their hands as each little person stood by a different side. Scarlet was to her left clad in emerald green sweater, her blue jeans, and black and white converse. Rose wore the same outfit except that her sweater was yellow. Both of their parkas were in Sara's office because the place was warm enough for them. Their backpacks were strapped around their backs in case they got hungry or needed something.
When Sara entered, the class became quiet. Thankfully, it wasn't a big class, but the students hated her guts…as usual. Problem was the American Literature in the 19th Century course was hard and she had to be mean bitch Sara to assure they were studying.
"We have some guests today," Sara said shyly. "Is that okay with you guys?"
Everyone cheered and nodded, ready to bombard with questions as they stared at the two identical faces in awe. Sara noticed the fear in her daughters' eyes. They hadn't been around such a huge crowd of spectators before. Scarlet's hand was clammy as she squeezed her mother's hand tightly. "These are Soosie and Rosie," she said sweetly, looking down at her kids. "Say hi," she ordered.
Rose waved hi immediately, but Scarlet hid her face in her mother's leg, wrapping her free arm around her hips.
The "awws" and "adorables" Sara heard were insurmountable. She laughed a little and picked Scarlet up, kissing the bridge of her nose.
"What's wrong? Those are my students that I told you about." Scarlet stared at her with a glare. She wasn't sure what that meant. It was the same thundering look her wife had except the eye color and shape were a tad different. "No need to be scared."
"No," Scarlet said, hiding her face in her mother's neck. "Home," she said again. The class was too quiet and Sara's beet red face exposed the sheepishness her students had rarely seen.
"I have to work, honey. Once mummy's done, we'll go home." She kissed her daughter's head again, not realizing that her other daughter was already roaming around the spacious room saying "hi" to everyone.
Once she realized Rose's carefree interactions, she almost suspected herself having had them mixed up since that was a rare occurrence. It was usually Scarlet the one who was outgoing and Rose the one who held onto her mother for dear life. Taking careful glances, she made sure she hadn't mixed them up, sighing in relief.
"Okay, sit down here while mummy teaches, and look at me," Sara directed, putting her daughter on the chair that faced her desk. She took off her black blazer and rested it there as well. She knew the anxious perspiration could be detected underneath her arms and easily seen through her white shirt, but she honestly did not care. She was full of fear and coyness over having her children in the class to care about how she looked.
"We were discussing Emily Dickinson's poetry last time, right?" she asked with a shaking voice, eyes roaming over the other child who moved inside the class, climbing up the steps of the auditorium and giggling whenever a student greeted her.
"Yeah," one of her students said. "We discussed "Because I could not Stop for Death." Sara nodded.
"We're supposed to go over 'Hope' and 'I Heard a Fly Buzz' today," another student said. Sara nodded once again. "Are we going to compare her poetry?"
"With poets of that era, definitely." Sara took a look at silent Scarlet who had already taken out her pacifier and put it in her mouth. She smiled at her but Scarlet only stared at her with wild admiration, eyes big and green and glittering.
Rose decided to sit down next to one of Sara's students. It was in one of the last rows. She spotted the girl with dark shoulder-length hair and blue eyes from a distance and squeezed herself in the aisle to get to the empty seat. "Excuse me," she kept saying with a funny mispronunciation that made the entire class laugh. "Excuse me," she repeated until she got into the empty seat and sat down, taking off her backpack and sighing happily. Sara couldn't help but laugh at the side she had never seen of her daughter.
Though Rose squirmed and moved plentifully in order to look at the people around her as they discussed and argued over their literary opinions, the class still went smoothly for the most part. Sara noticed that her daughter continued raising her hand whenever the girl next to her did. When she picked Tina to share her thoughts, Rose raised both hands and stood up, making the entire class stare at her. Sara worried that her daughter needed to go to the bathroom. "Yes, Rosie?"
Rose giggled immediately. All eyes were on her and her face was as red as a tomato. She looked at the girl next to her and grinned. "Mummy, I love you," she said and sat down. Everyone including Sara laughed. Scarlet removed her pacifier and whined loudly.
"I love you, too, Rosie." Sara's sheepishness allowed her students to see a vulnerable side of her they hadn't seen. She turned around to whining Scarlet, noticing both arms were raised. She sighed to herself and picked up the toddler who immediately put her head on her shoulder. They were supposed to take a nap. Thankfully she had a break after that class so she could let them nap. She would have to wake them up when her later class began, though.
Rose decided to take the teddy bear she had in her backpack to show it to Tina. The student faked her enthusiasm with a shy smile that Sara watched carefully. "Your name's Tina?" Rose asked.
"Yes," whispered the student.
"Mummy's called Teetee," she said confidently. "Not this mummy. Other mummy." Rose sighed and put her stuffed animal back in her backpack. "She left tomorrow." Rose still couldn't tell the difference between tomorrow and yesterday. "Said bye bye to see granny."
"Rosie," Sara said after walking to her. She was scared her girl would expose any family secret she did not want her students to know about. Scarlet was still held tightly in her arms, assuaging herself with her pacifier. "Mummy wants to explain. Can you be quiet?"
"Yes, mummy," Rose said. "I love you." She smiled cunningly, knowing too well she was her mother's weak spot.
When the class was finally over, she took both girls to the bathroom and then gave them a snack before they dozed off on the couch in her office. Jack came in and sat down in one of the chairs quietly. Sara said nothing as she used her computer to prepare for the next class. She put on her iron mask and pretended that no power in the world could break her.
"What happened?" he whispered.
"They're asleep," Sara responded right away. "Don't wake them up please. I have a class in fifteen minutes and I don't know what to do with them. If they wake up now, they'll throw a tantrum."
"I don't have a class. I can watch them."
Of course he would suggest that. Of course he would take the opportunity. She knew how good he felt, the hero he had always wanted to seem when she was ill and he visited every day. Fuck you. She hated him. She truly and utterly loathed him during that hour of the day. She knew her hatred was not real, but at that time of the day when she felt like the whole world was conspiring against her, she detested no one more than Jack. He was the reason for all her distress. He had always been.
"You don't have to," she said coldly.
"I want to help you."
"I don't need your help," she exclaimed, which left him speechless, staring at her with confounded glances, unable to tell why her attitude toward him had suddenly become so hostile.
"Mummy," one of the girls muttered groggily. He turned around. It was the girl in the yellow sweater. He could not tell which one that was. He was never able to tell and never thought that he would be able to tell because those two looked too identical to distinguish.
He left Sara's office and went back to his own. He sat on his chair and was able to hear the woman he loved struggling with her children. He felt a tense wave of anguish sweep the insides of his chest as he recalled the times of leisure and love he and his ex-lover had spent in the past—their wedding, their laughter together reading poetry, the way he teased her whenever she hit his face in her sleep, her tender skin, her pregnant belly, her tears, the baby they held for mere hours, every time they fought and made up, and every time he cheated on her without knowing why, without understanding why. He still couldn't tell why he had let her go, why he had done that. He never stopped loving her but she definitely had no feelings for him. He tried to test it out and he knew he was guilty of that when he flirted with her. He knew she appreciated it, but he also knew she was not in love with him.
He also felt deep anguish that she was hurting because her lover had left her. She thought she was the problem, but to him she really never was. She was never the problem and he desperately wanted to tell her that and to console her, but he knew why she wasn't receptive, too. He was aware why she pushed him away; she probably thought he would be happy that one more person had left her. He would never be; he could never be.
He went to his class when it was time for Sara to come back for her office hours. They passed by each other. Both girls had tears in their eyes as they held her hands; their hair was in every nook and corner. Sara looked frustrated and down. He wanted to ask if they were still going to switch classes. He wanted to know whether he was still taking her evening classes. He was too timid to ask her when he passed by her. He said hello and walked away.
When he finished his class, he decided to go to her office and ask, but the scene disturbed him. More than five students were outside waiting for Sara while two students were inside trying to speak over the sound of the crying kid and the whiny other who sat on the floor and squirmed.
Sara pretended not to care while the other kid cried so hard in her lap, wiping her nose and tears with her hand.
"Where is Nancy?" Jack asked about her secretary.
"Had to leave," she said quickly, signing some forms for the students who stood quietly waiting for their work to be done so they could run out of the noisy room. "God," Sara whispered. "Can you please pick Rose up? I don't want her to get a cold."
"Sure." He knelt down and picked the child who screeched immediately. He didn't even have time to think and he could see Sara's tears were locked inside and were about to escape.
"They're sleepy and tired. I'm so sorry, everyone," Sara said to the three students who came inside. "I can sign whatever form you have today, but if you need me in a personal matter, I can't do anything about it today, because you see…" She chuckled and Jack frowned looking at her. He was rocking Rose, trying to calm her down. Thankfully, it was working.
He sat down on the couch and put her next to him. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"Home," Rose said. "Go home."
"You'll go home soon. Mummy has to finish work." Rose hiccupped and nodded. "Scarlet?" he called. Sara and Scarlet both looked at him. "Come here, so mummy can work." Scarlet shrugged her shoulder off, holding tightly onto Sara.
"It's fine. Leave her."
More students came in and Sara's energy was running out. Rose was roaming around her at that moment and whenever Scarlet saw her, she would kick her. She tried her best not to get them to fight again as they did in her second class. They fought over who would sit on the chair because Rose didn't want to sit next to any student then. They hit each other and cried. It embarrassed Sara heavily. She almost cried but did her best to let her students work separately while calming her children down.
"Lap," Rose chanted, hitting her mother's knee. Scarlet was already on her lap, and she had important papers on her desk she needed to sign. The students stared at her awkwardly as her daughter repeated her plea.
Jack and Dana were there. Some of Sara's colleagues kept checking in on her, too. Everyone had known by then. Everyone sympathized and she hated it, but what could she do about it? She was the Dean and she had to finish her job before going home.
She eventually put Rose on her lap next to her sister, asking them both to behave. "Mummy needs to finish her work so we can go home."
"Home," they said simultaneously.
Dana prepared their bottles for them so they could calm down. They were supposed to shower and have food and take a nap in their own beds by then. It was almost four in the evening. The kids were restless, but at least they calmed down when they were having their bottles.
"What's your name?" Rose began asking after finishing her bottle, her hyperactivity returning to her.
"Donna," a girl said, smiling at her.
"I am Woosie." She giggled.
"Hi Woosie," Donna said.
"It's Rosie, but she can't pronounce the R." Sara handed her the paper she was signing. "Okay, now you need to give it to the registration." Donna nodded.
"What's your name?" Rose asked again.
"Cameron," a guy said.
"Jemy?" Scarlet said, looking at her mother.
"Yes, that's a Jeremy." Jack and Dana laughed because to the girls every boy was a Jeremy. "She means you're a boy." Sara laughed nervously. "We're a two-moms family, so she calls every boy our friend's name." Why would she have to Justify? Stupid.
"It's cool, doc," he said with a smile.
Rose asked about everyone's name until she got bored and turned around to play with her mother's necklace. Sara was talking to one of her students when Rose interrupted her. "Sasa mummy?"
"Yes," Sara said.
"Why you have big boobies?" She squeezed her mother's breast making her sister laugh and squeeze the other one. Everyone in the room paused as Sara's face turned beet red. "Huh, why?"
"You don't have milk," Scarlet said.
"Umm…" She looked at the two students awkwardly as they attempted to suppress their laughter. "Kids." She chuckled. "They make sure to embarrass you."
"Rosie, how about we leave mummy alone?" Dana said, extending her arm. Rose hopped off her mother's lap and held Dana's hand. Dana attempted taking Scarlet, too, but Scarlet refused.
She rested her entire body on Sara and shushed her mother whenever she spoke. "Scarlet, don't be rude."
"Bitch," Scarlet said, once again making people judge her. Sara closed her eyes to regain her control and opened them again. "Bitch mummy."
"You shouldn't say this. This is a wrong word."
"No," screamed her daughter. "Teetee mummy says you're bitch." Though the words were heavily mispronounced, every human in the room was able to understand her. "I don't love you. I only love Teetee mummy," Scarlet said, beginning to cry. "I want Teetee mummy."
That was the last straw, and that was what broke Sara that day.
She drove home heavily crying while the kids stared in silence. Scarlet was just a child who couldn't understand her mother's hurt feelings. She got them inside and took them to the bathroom right away with her tears never stopping. She knew Tegan gave them a bath every day after school, so she did the same.
She also joined them, not giving a single fuck about her rules against it. She used her kids' bathroom because it had a tub. She sat in the middle and they sat next to her. She cried still and they just watched without a single word.
She dried their hair and hers right after. They were all clad in pajamas as they sat around the kitchen table, having whatever leftovers Sara could find in the fridge.
She put them in their cribs after and sat down in the living room with a glass of wine to think about how she was going to deal with the newness of single motherhood that she had never experienced before. She thought about writing a list, opening her laptop and searching a few hearing and speech therapists her friends at work had recommended. Dana encouraged her to have the twins in the same daycare she had her children in when they were that age, and then the year after she could get them into the kindergarten her daughter was in. Sara also looked that up.
A little while through her research, Rose walked up to her. "Mummy," she said with arms wide open and bangs covering her eyes.
"Yes, Rosie," Sara said, extending her arms too and putting the laptop on the couch so Rose could sit on her lap. "You want to go potty?"
"No," Rose said, holding her mother's torso and resting her head on her chest. She yawned loudly and rubbed her eyes with a closed fist. Sara kissed her head. "Mummy?"
"Yes, Rosie," Sara said, yawning, too, and removing her glasses. "Hungry?"
"No." Rose shook her head. "I love you, Sasa mummy." Rose looked up at her mother and kissed her cheek. "Hug," she said, announcing the embrace she was offering.
"Aw, babe." Sara held her tightly and almost cried for what seemed to be the millionth time that day.