This chapter makes references to the episode Life Serial

Chapter 3

Life had not been exactly simple before she had died and was even worse now, the finances, the house, Dawn, and slaying. It seemed like the hits just kept coming.

Something has to give. It'll get better. I have to believe it will get better because it just really can't get worse, can it?

And then she got stuck in a time loop.

The whole day had been ridiculous. Even without the time weirdness, going back to school had felt— wrong somehow. She needed to take care of Dawn and make money to live and going back to school, at least right now, didn't seem like the right thing to do.

The job with Xander might have been alright if it wasn't for stupid demons and even more stupid coworkers. She had left the experience feeling like a freak. A super strong freak.

The time loop was what broke her though. Or maybe it was retail in general.

Either way— once outside the Magic Box she knew she had had enough. She went home and tried to shower off all the weirdness. She couldn't take it anymore, not alone and the truth was that she felt desperately alone. Even surrounded by her friends she felt alone. Everyone was trying to push her into that one thing that had worked for them and she just didn't fit into that mold.

As the hot water poured over her a desperate feeling crept into her mind. What about Spike? At least if she went to him maybe they could patrol. Then again, did she even want to patrol tonight? Not really. She needed to talk to someone and she needed a drink.

Spike is a surprisingly good listener and he has drinks… he also has beautiful eyes and an amazing mouth… and oh God— This is probably a very bad idea…

She toweled off, dressed carefully in a top she thought he would like, touched base with Dawn and Willow and she was off to Spike's. Off for drinks and talking and whatever else might come up…

The night didn't exactly go as planned. They ended up at Willy's and she ended up sitting in the corner with a bottle of whiskey while she watched Spike cheat at poker. She had to admit, he was good at it. She probably wouldn't have noticed at all if she hadn't been studying his every move like a bug under glass.

By the time tempers started to rise at the poker table, she was so drunk she could barely stand yet alone fight. There was a reason she never drank very much. She didn't really remember exactly what she had said to Spike but she had a feeling that it wasn't very nice.

But really, who the hell plays kitten poker? If she hadn't been so angry and drunk and sick… she might have actually gone back to Spike's and let him show her his bed. The thought had crossed her mind more than a dozen times. Although in hindsight it was probably for the best that she didn't.

She couldn't remember ever being so sick and she recoiled at the very thought of alcohol now. Even though it had been several days, her stomach still wasn't right. She had thrown up at least once every day since, which was highly unusual for her.

Buffy made her way downstairs Saturday morning after emptying her stomach of whatever was leftover from dinner the night before. She put some bread in the toaster thinking maybe it would help. It seemed like all she was eating was toast, yogurt and for some weird reason oranges.

She picked up an orange and began to peel it, "Of all the things I could eat, I figured you would make me feel worse, not better," she said, talking to the fruit.

"Who are you talking to?" Dawn asked from behind her.

Buffy rolled her eyes, "No one, what are you doing up?"

"Janice invited me to go pumpkin picking and then we're gonna carve them later, can I?"

Buffy shrugged, taking a few bites of orange. It was a really good one, sweet and juicy and she let out a little hum of appreciation.

Dawn giggled as she got Buffy's toast out of the toaster and put some bread in for herself, "Do you and your orange want to be alone?"

"Oh shut up. Can you get the peanut butter out?"

Dawn rolled her eyes and handed over the peanut butter. The moment she opened the jar, the smell hit her and it was all she could do not to throw up her orange. She closed it back up and slid it across the table away from her, "On second thought, maybe jelly again."

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine."

Dawn shrugged and handed her the jelly. "I don't know Buffy, I think it's really weird. I don't remember the last time you were sick, yet alone sick like this. Maybe you should see a doctor. Or get some of those good bacteria pills mom used to take."

Buffy started to roll her eyes, and then frowned. She kinda has a point, I don't remember ever being sick like this either.

"It's probably just a side-effect from being brought back from the dead. It's gotta wreak havoc somewhere, right?"

Dawn shrugged, "Suit yourself."

She was starting to get frustrated. She had changed her bra three times. For some reason they were all irritating the hell out of her. The only one that didn't was the sports bra she had worn the last two days.

What the hell is going on with me?

That was when her calendar caught her eye, and she went over to flip through the months she had missed.

Wait a second… huhh… that's weird…

According to the calendar she had died just a little before she should've been ready to start her period.

Which means that I probably should have had one by now— weird. I mean I did come back from the dead, maybe my schedule is just really off… right, because I've been back almost a month and still nothing… something is definitely off. Maybe I should ask Will if she knows anything about it.

She glanced at her clock, it was still pretty early.

Should I even bother Willow with this? What if I'm just overthinking things? What if I'm not?

She stood outside Willow and Tara's door and knocked. It was still fairly early for the two witches and Tara answered, closing the door as she came into the hallway timidly. "What's up Buffy? Everything alright?"

Buffy shook her head and tried for a smile but it felt incredibly fake, "I'm fine. I kinda wanted to talk to Willow but hum- maybe you could help."

"I can try."

"What do you know about the spell that brought me back?"

"It depends on what you need to know."

Buffy took another deep breath and glanced towards Dawn's room to make sure she wasn't listening. "It's about my body."

Tara frowned, "Okay? Is everything alright?"

"I— no I'm fine. I was just wondering— my body was dead. Obviously, I was in my grave. My body was dead, I was dead— like how am I not just like a zombie or like how is my soul not just shoved back into a decomposing body? Or how am I not like Angel, a soul in a dead body?"

"Oh that! That's what you want to know? Yeah, I can help you with that," she smiled confidently, gesturing towards the stairs. Buffy nodded silently and followed her down into the living room. They both sat down on the couch. Tara rolled one shoulder before starting again.

"It's kind of simple really. Well, no that was the hard part of the spell, but the explanation isn't that complicated. See, getting the soul back isn't that much more complicated than the spell Willow did for Angel. The biggest difference is that his soul had a functioning body. The body itself was already reanimated by the demon. It already does the job. Whereas your body started to— well to decompose the moment you died. Which is totally normal!"

"Right okay so far I'm following you."

"So the more complex part of the spell is that you actually have to reanimate the dead cells of the body. Which, as you can imagine, is extremely complex. It's not just flicking a switch and saying 'It's alive!' Which is why you're not ya' know, Frankenstein's bride or something. You were brought back on a cellular level. Each one of your dead cells were brought back individually. That's how all the bacteria and stuff in your body also came back, otherwise you would have some serious tummy issues. Make sense?"

Okay so it brought back all the dead cells inside my body— well yeah I guess that makes sense— so the good bacteria tummy issue doesn't really seem to hold up if all the cells and bacteria and stuff all came back to life— but then would that include— oh God— I'm pretty sure this goes way beyond the tummy issues…

"Yeah, so— so everything—" she cleared her throat, "so all of my dead cells— all the dead stuff inside me got reanimated, right? That's what I'm understanding?"

Tara shrugged, "Basically, yeah. Inside, outside— anything biological would have been revived. why are you asking? Are you sure you're feeling alright?"

Oh. My. God… so that means— Spike's— huh cells— oh my God…

Buffy sat back in her seat, feeling her cheeks starting to grow red. "No reason, just curiosity. Really curious, always wanting to know more. Curious, curious, curious."

Oh my God what the hell is wrong with me! Other than the fact that I might be pregnant— with Spike's baby! Spike's baby… baby Spike… oh God…

Tara looked at her very skeptically, "Ah yeah, Okay. Well I mean it's your body, you should know what's going on with it. Did I help?"

Pretty sure I'm going to need a book or twenty about what's going on with my body… oh God I just want my mommy…

"Yeah. I think that answered my non-zombie questions. Thanks. Sorry I got you up."

"No, it's totally fine, I was sort of up anyway."

"Thanks again, Tara," she said, giving her friend a hug.

Tara furrowed her brow a little but returned the hug in kind, "No problem, Buffy, are you sure you're okay?"

Oh sure… I just found out Spike might have got me pregnant… oh no, I'm fine… I'm so not fine…

"I'm doing great," the fake smile made her cheeks hurt.

Buffy pushed open Spike's door. He was lounging on a chair in front of the TV dozing. He had one leg flung over the arm of the chair and had sort of flopped over in his sleep. It was sort of adorable really. She seemed to catch him there a lot lately and she had started to wonder if he was doing it on purpose so he wouldn't miss her when she came by. His head shot up when he heard the door.

"Slayer?" He asked a little groggily.

"Hey…" she stood there awkwardly.

"What are you doing here on a Saturday, Luv? Something up?"

Why the hell am I here? Okay that's stupid, I swear I'm here more than I am at home… But why did I come now? I don't even know if I'm actually pregnant yet… What the hell am I supposed to say anyway? Note to self: get pregnancy tests—

"No, I just— Dawn is going pumpkin picking with Janice— I just wanted to see what you were up to—" Lame, Buffy, seriously lame…

He straightened up in his chair, "Doing some very evil sleeping in front of the telly, care to join me?"

She actually smiled at that and sat down in the other chair, "What are we watching today?"

"Don't rightly know, was watching a documentary on some— well clearly it wasn't that interesting… not sure what this is."

"Mind if we find something else? Maybe one of your movies?"

He eyed her suspiciously. Normally when she came over it was to talk about Dawn or slaying or something related. After which they would settle in to watch a movie or some show they could poke fun at. But today seemed different.

"Are you really just here to watch telly? Not that I'm complaining but you seem off."

No, I'm here because I'm pretty sure you got me pregnant via Willow's spell… But I don't want to talk about it because I don't know for sure yet and I probably shouldn't have come anyway… What was I thinking?

She shrugged, "It's quiet here."

"Uh hum. Quiet like the grave." He got up and headed towards his fridge, "want something? Beer, soda?"

"So off the alcoholic beverages since our big night out."

Maybe for a few months… What if I hurt the baby? Do I even want to be a mom?

Pretty sure if you're already worried about it's wellbeing before you even take a test, you already have your answer, Buffy.

"Soda it is then," he smirked at the memory as he grabbed one for her and a beer for himself, "I'm not really buying this whole looking for quiet thing. What's really going on?"

She sighed, This was a bad idea… "I've just been going through kind of a rough patch… it's easier being here… with you." She admitted.

"A whisper in a dead man's ear; Doesn't make it real."

"What?"

"You still haven't told them— where you were. That's it isn't it? You told me because I'm the dead bloke on the outside and now I'm the only one you can stand to be round. It's why you've been coming round so much. How'd I do?"

Pretty much spot on actually…

"I told you because you didn't have anything to do with pulling me out and I didn't think you would freak out about it… I told you because I trust you not to say anything to them. And your collection of classic horror films is actually kind of fun, I sort of like making fun of them with you."

"Alright so movie time aside. What's the problem with your friends knowing where you were?"

"I— I don't want them to look at me differently—"

Like they aren't going to anyway when they find out you screwed Spike and got pregnant… maybe… maybe pregnant… probably… shit…

"I don't see you any differently. All I see is you, Buffy. Just you, like you were before, when you invited me—"

I can't do this now… oh God, those eyes— I can't do this— I need answers—

She stood up suddenly, "I really just wanted to check in, I should probably get going, I have a few things I need to get done."

He snorted, "Right— check in? Course you wouldn't want to have a real conversation— about us— heaven forbid."

Buffy sat back down, "It's not like that."

"Then what is it like, Luv?"

Her heart sank, she needed to say something but she just couldn't.

He wouldn't believe me, would he? I need proof. I need to figure this out.

"Are you still patrolling with me tonight?"

He tilted his head towards her. "Planning on telling me what's really running through that head of yours? Does it have anything to do with the night we—"

Oh I can't do this right now! Of course it does, but I can't say that! Give him something, Buffy— anything— anything that isn't that! Isn't that how we got in this mess to begin with? Oh God, he is really freaking amazing in bed though… Shut up! Get your shit together, girl. Tell him something that's bothering you. Just pick one—

Spike frowned at her as she stood up again with a sigh, "I've just been stressing about finding a job. The house needs work and— I'm just really freaked out about it all."

He relaxed his shoulders, mollified for the moment, "Still no luck? You want me to put out some feelers for you?"

She shrugged, "You don't have to, I'm sure I'll find something."

"It's no trouble, Slayer. I'll ask 'round, see if anybody is doing any honest hiring."

"I guess it couldn't hurt, thanks," she turned to leave and turned around again, "patrol tonight?"

"Course, Slayer."