Chapter 13

Willow sat on a large rock outside of the desert cave where she and Tara had built a fire. Giles had made the trek back to the car to retrieve the last of their camping equipment. The sun had started to set and the sky was awash with brilliant color.

Tara sat next to her, transfixed watching the sky shift as Willow stoked the fire. "This place is amazing," Tara sighed happily.

Willow hummed in agreement, "It really has a great energy doesn't it? I think this is going to be perfect for the spell. And ya know, vampire friendly cave and all too."

"Even the symbolism is kinda perfect, with the cave and the whole soul getting thing being a kind of rebirth. It's sort of beautiful."

Willow smiled at Tara, leaning into her for a kiss, "You're beautiful. I love how your mind works."

"Says the brainy witch with oodles of mojo."

"Oh I'll show you mojo," Willow giggled, pressing in closer to Tara and pulling her into another kiss.

Giles cleared his throat, breaking them apart.

"Humm— oh hey, look, it's Giles with the sleeping bags," Willow said in a voice that was slightly higher than usual.

He cleared his throat again, "Yes well I think perhaps it would be best if we get this rehearsal ironed out to make sure we aren't missing any key elements, wouldn't you agree?"

Tara coughed, "Oh yeah, totally. Giles can play the part of our vampire," she grinned.

"Well at least he's British." Willow smiled in reply.

Giles lifted his eyes in mild exasperation, "Oh yes. Small comfort."

"Well go on Jack-be-nimble, jump over our purity fire before we start opening marshmallows," Willow answered.

Giles rolled his eyes and stepped calmly around the fire. "Please, do take this seriously. It's most important that the two of you know exactly what you're doing, so when you bring Spike out here on your own, there aren't any— hiccups."

"Okay, but for the record I actually was being serious, he's going to have to jump over the fire." Willow said.

Tara shrugged, "Yeah, we sort of worked it out already. There is going to have to be a purification ritual before he goes into the cave. But we'll get that all ironed out," Tara said, turning to Willow who blushed.

"Oh yeah anointing Spike with oil— that sounds like a job more for Buffy than for us but—"

Tara gave her girlfriend a knowing glance.

After running through the ritual a half dozen times Willow sat back down on the rock with a huff. Something was still off. The rehearsal spell they had developed was intended to mimic the actual spell and should have been creating little sparks of light when each stage was carried out correctly. However for some reason, they still hadn't figured out, they had only been able to get the first stage to work. Willow was starting to get frustrated. She had been so confident she could do this.

I know I can do this. I created life from the dead sperm of a vampire, I can certainly do this! Right???

She stood back up urging the other two to run through the ritual again.

Her chanting and pronunciations were correct. She was sure of it.

Tara was doing her part perfectly.

Giles didn't have much to do except stand in for Spike.

"Nope, still won't work—" she huffed when they had failed yet again. She sat back down grumbling to herself.

"Now I know we're all getting a bit frustrated, perhaps we should just take a break from it for a bit?" Giles said.

That perked Tara up a little, "Yeah, I bet that's all we need. It's probably just something small. Just relax a little, Will, and I'll take a look at it. Maybe a set of fresh eyes will help."

Willow sighed heavily, "It couldn't hurt, go right ahead."

Tara curled up inside their two person sleeping bag and pulled out the notebook they had been using for their calculations. Giles settled down in the mouth of the cave, unfurling his sleeping bag. He pulled his guitar into his lap and began to play lightly. This was likely to take quite some time.

It was a beautiful night, the stars shone brightly as the moon came over the horizon. Willow opened the bag of marshmallows, loading a stick and holding it over the fire with a frown etched onto her face.

The three of them sat in relatively comfortable silence while Giles played. The only conversation revolving around the marshmallows being roasted over the fire. Giles finished his fifth song and looked up at the sky above them when an idea hit him.

"Willow, have you considered the lunar phase?" He asked.

Willow slumped, "Of course I have. It has to be done during the new moon, we figured that out weeks ago—"

Giles gestured to the moon "Perhaps the problem is merely the waxing crescent."

Willow shoved a marshmallow into her mouth, cast her eyes towards the moon and slapped her forehead with a flat palm. "Oh for crying out loud—" she moaned.

"Don't be too hard on yourself, babe," Tara said, tapping her pencil eraser against their notes, "he's right, everything harmonizes perfectly if you work in the right moon phase. It's definitely why the practice run isn't doing what we want. It just means that we have to wait until the right phase, no big."

Willow sighed, relaxing a little as Giles resumed playing, "Yeah I guess not since we still have to wait for that oil to get here too." She said, her tone perking up again.

Tara smiled and patted the sleeping bag next to her, "Now we got that figured out, why don't you come over here and snuggle in?"

"Can there still be marshmallows?"

"I think there's room for the marshmallows."

Spike adjusted his head on the pillow to watch Buffy sleep. It had been almost a month since they found out about the twins and they had found a sort of rhythm within their relationship. Although they were in what by all appearances was a committed relationship, it still wasn't everything he had been hoping for. Buffy was still keeping him at arm's length in many ways. Like not letting him stay overnight in her room. She had stayed in his crypt a few times, but refused to make it a regular occurrence and still normally went home to sleep in her own bed.

This weekend was a rare exception. The witches had taken a sudden interest in camping and had gone for a weekend trip. Dawn was spending the weekend at Janice's which ultimately meant Spike was permitted to stay over.

Permitted— like a dog allowed to sleep in his master's bed.

Buffy shifted in her sleep, disrupting his thoughts. He moved the hair back from her shoulder and slid in a little closer, spooning up behind her. He loved feeling the skin of her bare back pressing against his chest and thighs. He sighed a little, easing out of his internal sulk.

Don't be a git. You said it yourself, William, girl has a lot on her plate. Don't add your bloody insecurities to the mix.

He ran his hand over her tiny belly as he pulled her back in closer to him. She wasn't showing much at all yet, at only twelve weeks pregnant, but there was just the slightest fullness to her lower abdomen that hadn't been there a few weeks ago. The thought of her carrying his babies was still a miracle he was trying to wrap his head around.

His thoughts drifted toward his mother, what she would have said if she knew he was about to become a father. She had been a gentle woman, a wonderful mother. She had always hoped he would marry and provide her with plenty of grandchildren. He had wanted it for himself too back then. His own father had been a good man. Kind and fair. He had died far too soon but the memories he had of the man were good ones.

If I can be half the dad mine was, I'll be doing alright— He thought as he slipped his hand over Buffy's belly.

Buffy wiggled herself against him as she started to wake up, edging out of sleep and finding herself already aroused by the mere presence of his naked body pressed against her back. She hummed as she gently moved his hand from her belly down lower, widening her legs for him.

"Ohh now the real reason you let me stay over comes to light," he snickered, "been craving a little morning wake-up call have you?"

"Maybe—" she purred with a sleepy grin and pressed her ass against his already hardening member and reached behind her, stroking down his thigh.

"God Buffy, you're gonna burn me up," he breathed into her ear as she moved her hand to fondle him. Spike pushed two fingers into her core feeling her heat on his fingers and rubbing her clit in slick circles. She arched into him as he continued to move his fingers inside her. She was nearly dripping with desire for him and he ached to taste her. Her scent was driving him crazy already. But before he could do anything about it, Buffy had already started to position his length at her entrance.

"Not much of a warmup, Luv," he murmured teasingly.

Oh my god these pregnancy hormones are going to drive me insane. Or maybe that's just the super hot vampire— maybe both? God I seriously need him… like right now…

Her thoughts spilled out in a rush.

"Don't care. I just need to feel you inside me."

"Impatient, kitten?" He asked, thrusting into her from behind. "What do you do when I'm not here? You got a nice little toy with my name on it?" He teased.

Buffy didn't answer, she gave a little strangled cry as he filled her, completely pushing inside her. Pulling her against him with his fingers still gliding over her clit. He brought his other hand from under her body to cup a breast, pinching gently as he pressed into her crushing wet heat.

She widened her legs bringing her top leg to hook behind Spike's knee. Spike pulled his head up to look over her shoulder, down at the curves of her breast and stomach. It seemed like he was constantly noticing subtle changes in her every time they were together. It was oddly addictive. On the whole vampires weren't known for changing much physically over the centuries. Subtle changes in weight or muscle mass wasn't entirely unheard of but otherwise they remained totally unchanged. The way her body was changing with the babies growing inside of her was utterly fascinating for him.

The biggest and most obvious change being the increased frequency in which they had been having sex. Another being her scent. He imagined it must be the extra hormones but her natural scent seemed to be elevated somehow. It was intoxicating and he couldn't get enough of her.

He brought his mouth to the back of her neck kissing her tender flesh and drawing whimpering sighs from her lips. He moved his hand from her clit to grip her thigh and move her leg back down, pressing her legs together while he rocked his hips into her.

Buffy reached beneath her head pulling the pillow out from under her and throwing it on the floor in frustration. She brought her hand behind herself to grip Spike's thigh, pulling him with her as she rolled to lay flat on her stomach with his hard cock still buried deep within her core from behind. He placed one hand between her shoulder blades for leverage. He knew she loved the way it felt when he pressed her into the mattress like this. He continued to pump into her leaning down to kiss her neck and shoulder.

With a slight tilt of his hips, Buffy started to shake. An uncontrollable wave climbing higher and higher. His thrusts came longer and deeper. Pushing in. Again and again hitting a bundle of nerves that unfurled into a torrent of earth wracking electricity rushing through her body. Buffy screamed, pulsing around him as Spike spilled into her.

He kissed her neck tenderly before rolling off of her and running his fingers lovingly over the smooth skin of her back. "Be a shame when the little ones are too big for that position to be comfortable for you anymore."

"Why do you think I'm trying to get it in as much as we can now?" She hummed.

Spike chuckled, "Because pregnancy is turning you into a bloody glorious nymphomaniac?"

"You noticed huh?"

"Just a bit," he kissed her shoulder, grinning, "I'm always happy to take care of all your needs darling. Got to keep my lady happy."

"This is a really happy way to wake up," she smirked, turning to face him.

He stroked hair from her cheek tenderly, "Could make it a regular thing if you'd let me."

A frown pulled at her lips.

He winced inwardly at the sight and sat up with a little huff, "Bloody hell, Slayer, I'm not asking to move in."

The light dimmed in her eyes, "Spike, it's just—"

He tried to mask the stabbing sensation in his gut, that always accompanied one of her micro rejections, by rolling out of bed. He reached for his jeans, "Think you can keep eggs and toast down if I make 'em for you, pet? Or got some more of that marmalade you liked so much. Could just make you some toast."

An odd tension hung in the air between them.

Why do I keep doing this to him? I push him away and he just offers more— he's saying and doing everything I could ever ask for. What is wrong with me?

"Spike?" Buffy's voice cracked, "What's wrong with me?" She broke, tears that had been forming in her eyes came spilling out.

His eyes shot to hers, he sat on the bed pulling her into his chest, "Don't be daft, girl. There ain't a damn thing wrong with you. You're perfect just the way you are."

She shook her head violently, "Don't give me that crap," she sniffed. "You have been so great with me and Dawn and the prego stuff and— and you have just been amazing and— what is wrong with me??" She wailed, tears spilling down her cheeks and her breaths coming in hard rasping gasps. "What if Slayers are the ones who can't love? What if I'm the one that's— b-broken? What if I can't even—" she cut off crying into his shoulder.

Spike cupped the back of her head in his strong fingers, "God no… Don't even think it," his chest felt like it had been cleaved in two, "Buffy, listen to me, sweetheart. That amazing heart of yours has been through the ringer. No one in their right mind could blame you for being a bit shell shocked. Least of all me."

"H-how c-can you be so ridiculously understanding?" She choked out.

He shrugged, still holding her close, "Been there myself. Dru wasn't exactly the most faithful of lovers. How'd you think I ended up with Harm? I was a right mess," he said with a self-deprecating laugh.

That struck a chord with her. The thought of being unfaithful to someone who had been taking such wonderful care of her as he had, made something beastly roar inside her chest. He had been doing nothing but building her up when she felt weak and fortifying her strength instead of shrinking from it or trying to tear her down. The thought of repaying that kind of love and support with fickleness and infidelity felt akin to the ultimate evil.

Buffy pulled back from him a little to catch his eye. "Thanks," she murmured lamely. There were so many things she wanted to say to him but none of them seemed to be able to make their way to her mouth. She cleared her throat, grasping desperately for words, "I don't know what I would do without you."

He tilted his head a little, wiping her cheek with his thumb. "I'm only trying to give you what you deserve, luv."

Willow and Tara went straight to the Magic Box when they returned from their trip with Giles the next day. Willow was in high spirits. She was sitting next to Xander with a sunny smile plastered to her face.

"It's pretty amazing out there, there's this convergence of energy and we discovered a cave that is perfect for the spell. I'm going to run a few more figures but I think once we finalize all the details and the oil gets here we'll be ready to roll! There's a good chance he will be disoriented or even violent after the ensoulment so in the meantime I want to make sure I have a nice little arsenal of spells ready in case we need to subdue him."

"Great, I was getting tired of things being almost normal around here," Xander quipped.

Willow glared at him, "It shouldn't last long. I just want to be prepared."

"A very sound idea. I believe the most helpful books will likely be upstairs," Giles added gesturing up the ladder, "likely on the left hand side I believe."

"Thanks, Giles, I'll take a look later," Willow answered happily.

"Does that mean we're back to research sessions? I mean Buffy is bound to figure out we're up to something. Are we sure this guy is really worth the headache?" Xander stated.

Willow glared at him, "Spike is actually asking us for help. This is the biggest of deals, Xan."

"Testy Wills, I was just joking. I'm on board. Do you think I like the idea of one of my best friends having babies with an evil psychopath with a chip in his head? Yeah he's been helping us out a ton and ya know kinda creeping me out with the whole doting father-to-be thing. But sure, I'd feel better if he was all with the soulfulness."

Anya tapped a bridal magazine in frustration with the end of a pen she had just been chewing, "I'm just not sure about the centerpieces," she said with a pout.

Xander, Tara and Willow turned to her.

"Anya— sweetie, can we talk about this later?" Xander asked, pinching the bridge of his nose.

She looked back at them with her usual brash innocence, "What? I'm seriously thinking we should do something a little more interesting than just flower arrangements."

"You mean like blood larva?" Willow asked dubiously.

Anya looked expectantly at Xander, "See, Willow likes my idea."

Willow's eyes went wide, "Oh— Anya- I—"

Tara tilted her head slightly, smiling at Anya, "I think I just got an idea."

Buffy wasn't sure how much more she could take. The constant barrage of wedding plans ranging from wistful sighs to Thursday's bridal tantrum when the caterer canceled was wearing her thin. Anya was in full blown bridal-mode and for some reason she had decided Buffy was the perfect person to help her with wedding plans. She had come over after work twice that week already. And here she was again.

I swear, if I find out Spike put her up to this in an attempt to give me wedding fever I'm going to kick his ass.

Anya sat at the kitchen island sipping tea while flipping through yet another bridal magazine while Buffy was doing the dishes. "You know, I really enjoy this," Anya said, breaking the silence.

"Wedding planning? I mean I hear they make good money. If you're looking for a career change," Buffy answered just as Dawn came into the kitchen.

Anya shook her head swallowing a mouthful of tea, "Don't be silly. I meant hanging out here with the two of you. It's a nice break from the shop. I love Xander, but I also like doing things that don't always involve him, or slayer-y stuff."

A pang of guilt shot through Buffy and she turned around to face her, glancing at her little sister. "Sure, I totally get that. Dawn and I are happy to help, aren't we Dawn?" She smiled saccharinely.

Dawn's eyes got wide. As she looked from her sister to Anya, "Sure! Absolutely! Wedding stuff is fun stuff!"

"Aww, you guys are so sweet. I can't wait to take you shopping for the bridesmaids dresses," Anya gushed.

Dawn grimaced apologetically and turned towards Buffy, "I actually just came in to tell you Janice asked me to go shopping with her. So, hum, can I?"

"Where and how?" Buffy, glared at her sister.

"In town, with my allowance, her mom is going with us. I'll even promise to stop in at the Magic Box so you can keep tabs on me."

"Fine, but no shenanigans and you're home before the streets get fang-y. Matter of fact, I want you home for dinner, got it?"

"Yeah, yeah, I got it," Dawn grumbled as she exited the kitchen to call Janice.

The two girls had already gone into a few shops under the watchful eye of Janice's mother who had refused to let them out of her sight for more than an hour after the events at Halloween. The three of them stood outside the bank, a stern look on Janice's mother's face, "I need to take care of a few things, I'll meet the two of you at the Magic Box after."

Janice rolled her eyes, "We can walk around town by ourselves, mom."

She gave her daughter a dubious look, "Prove I can trust the two of you and we'll see if you can earn that privilege back."

"We'll be good!" Janice called over her shoulder, pulling Dawn down the sidewalk with her, "I thought we'd never ditch her," she whispered to Dawn.

"Yeah well, we still have to check in. My sister will definitely know if we don't and I would be in major trouble."

Janice pouted but then grinned widely, "Do you think the Magic Box still has the dirty sex candles?"

Dawn rolled her eyes but laughed, "Knowing Anya, yes."

The two girls continued giggling and talking as they entered the Magic Box. Willow and Tara were sitting at the back table, and Giles was busy helping customers when they came in. Janice, made a beeline for a display of items commonly used for love spells. Including an assortment of candles shaped like headless naked bodies and phalluses. She was still giggling at the other items they were displayed with while Dawn wandered towards the back table.

Willow and Tara had their heads together and were deep in conversation, and didn't notice her perusing the items on the shelves.

"Well how many spells do you think you're going to need? I mean he's only one vampire and a soul has got to make him more cooperative not less, right?" Tara was whispering to Willow.

Dawn froze. Are they talking about Angel?

Tara continued, "I just mean is he really likely to be that big of a problem? He's literally asking us to get his soul for him."

Okay… maybe not Angel… Angelus would never ask for help getting his soul…

Dawn risked moving a little closer, moving behind a display so they wouldn't be able to see her unless they turned around. She kept her face turned towards the shelves as though she was just a customer browsing. Straining her ears to listen to their whispered conversation.

Willow shrugged, "You're probably right, but I just want to be prepared. There are a lot of potential side effects, he might attack us or maybe even try to hurt himself. We have two spells that could help with that. I think we should look into at least one more, and maybe a stronger levitation spell in case he's too out of it and we can't get him out of there safely."

Tara frowned, "Yeah, you're probably right. Are you sure we shouldn't take Xan with us?"

Willow shook her head, "There won't be room in the car if we have to lay him down in the backseat."

"Do we know what we're going to do with him afterwards?" Tara asked in a hushed tone.

Willow frowned, "I've been thinking about that and I kinda think it depends on how he responds. If he's lucid then he should be fine to go back to his crypt and he can tell Buffy when he's ready."

Dawn reminded herself she needed to breathe and swallowed hard. Spike… definitely Spike…

"And if not?"

"I'm thinking we're going to have to keep him in the basement, where we can keep an eye on him. He said he didn't want Buffy to know until it was done. Afterwards I'm thinking all bets are off." Willow said quietly.

"Do you think that's a good idea? What about, Dawn?"

At the sound of her own name Dawn dropped the book she was holding and took a giant step back to make it look like she had just come around the corner, "Hey, what are you up to?" Dawn said cheerfully.

Tara flipped closed a notebook and Willow shifted herself to hide the book she was reading as both witches looked up, giving her overly sweet smiles.

"Ohh you know, just the usual boring book stuff," Willow beamed.

"You guys working on a baddie?" Dawn asked.

Tara hugged the notebook to her chest, "Nope, nothing exciting going on right now."

"So ehh, what's up Dawnie? I thought you were supposed to be at the house, helping, Buffy and Anya with wedding stuff," Willow asked, shuffling around books and papers.

"Oh yeah, I was but Janice invited me to go shopping with her and her mom. Buffy made me promise I'd stop in here and check in with you guys. So you know, here I am, checking in. But, anyway, Janice's mom should be here like any minute so I should probably pull Janice away from the penis candles."

Willow's eyes widened and Tara tried not to laugh. "Okay, well you two have fun and stay out of trouble!" Tara said in her best 'responsible adult' voice.

As Dawn headed to the front of the shop to join Janice, Tara leaned in towards Willow, "You don't think she heard us do you?"

Willow frowned, "No, I don't think so. She would have said something. Right?"

"Sure, hum, sure she would. Absolutely."

Dawn sat across from Buffy feeling unusually quiet at dinner that night. The idea of Spike asking for his soul and keeping it from Buffy seemed wrong somehow.

Spike loves Buffy— but does Buffy love Spike? It sure seems like it…

Dawn knit her brows together in thought as she picked at her plate of food.

The silence and the way Dawn kept looking at her set Buffy's teeth on edge. It was just the two of them at dinner for the third time that week. On the up side, she wouldn't have to cook all weekend, they could just have leftovers.

Buffy huffed out an aggravated sigh, "Okay let's hear it, what's up?"

"Why would anything be up?" Dawn retorted, taking a bite of meatloaf.

If Spike doesn't want Buffy to know, there's probably a good reason… Dawn thought.

Buffy swallowed calmly, "You're never this quiet."

"See that's just like you. I talk, I'm being annoying; I don't talk then something is wrong!"

"Ah huhh."

"Well nothings wrong," she said, stabbing at her carrots with undue force.

Buffy raised an eyebrow, "Everything okay with you and Janice?"

"Fine," She paused thoughtfully, "well okay, I guess there is something that's been bothering me— a little."

"Yeah?" Buffy asked with a little more interest, chewing her food.

Dawn fidgeted with her fork, tapping her plate with the tines, "It's well, you know, I really miss mom, and it's… kinda weird being with Janice and her mom sometimes, I guess."

Buffy frowned, "Yeah, I get that."

"It's just— Janice acts like her mom is so annoying and— I mean she's actually really nice. I like her mom." Dawn fell quite again. It hadn't been the only thing bothering her of course but it seemed to be enough of an explanation to appease Buffy.

Buffy looked down at her plate remembering that despite how strained her relationship with her mother could be at times, she still loved her fiercely. She brought her hand to her stomach under the table.

I wonder what kind of mom I'm going to be… Hell, what kind of dad is Spike going to be? What about when they start school? I can totally see career day. 'Hi, this is our daddy. His name is Spike and he's a soulless vampire. Oh our mom? Yeah she works at a funeral home during the day and slays vampires at night. Except for daddy. She likes him…' Oh God, there really is something wrong with me—

Dawn stabbed another piece of meatloaf moodily and examined it with disinterest before eating it. "So, eh, how did things go with Anya?"

Buffy looked up at her distractedly, still half lost in her own thoughts, "Huh?"

Dawn raised her eyebrows at her sister, "I asked you how things went with Anya. Ya know, wedding planning stuff? Is she still driving you crazy with centerpieces or did she move onto something else?"

Buffy waved her hand, "No, I think we got the centerpieces figured out. Right now I'm kinda trying to talk her out of this bright green for the bridesmaid's dresses."

Dawn's eyebrows nearly disappeared into her hairline, "Ah, yeah— please do. I do not want to be caught dead in neon green."

Buffy cracked a smile, "It's more like toxic seaweed or ninja turtle green, or maybe it's radioactive?"

Dawn laughed, "You know what they say, it's not easy being green."

"Lame."

"Like you can do better?"

"I just don't want to look like part of the jolly green giant's harem."

Dawn looked at her blankly, "Oh, yeah, that's totally better."

They both started to laugh, both of them gasping for breath before falling into giggles again. It felt good to laugh. Neither one of them had laughed much since their mother died and it was as though someone turned on a light switch. The mood lightened considerably. They spent the rest of the evening discussing the wedding and giggling at some of Anya's more questionable ideas.

The next morning Dawn left the house under the pretext of meeting up with Janice.

She needed answers and didn't think she would be getting them from Willow or Tara, or even Xander for that matter. No, it was time to go straight to the source. Spike.

Dawn pushed Spike's heavy door open with a grunt, Oh sure, it's nice and easy if you have super powers… She grumbled inwardly.

Spike was half asleep, slumped in a chair in front of the TV. He sprang upright when he heard the door, "Bloody hell, Slayer, what time is it?" he muttered into his hands without looking up.

Dawn cleared her throat, "I'm not Buffy."

His head snapped up to look at her, his shoulders tensing and relaxing in the span of a breath. "Nibblet? What are you doing here?"

Dawn shifted a little, suddenly unsure of what she should say.

"What's the trouble, Nibblet?" Spike prodded.

She took a deep breath and steeled her jaw, "Did you really ask Tara and Willow to help you get your soul?"

He leaned forward resting his forearms on his knees letting his hands drop before looking up at her. "Does Buffy know too?" He asked, bringing a hand up to rub the back of his neck.

Dawn relaxed some of the tension in her shoulders and turned to sit down in her usual chair. "No. Willow and Tara don't even know I heard them talking. No one does."

He shifted in his seat, "Thanks for that."

"Don't understand why you're doing this though. I thought you loved her, why would you do that to her?"

Spike looked stunned, "To her? Look I don't know exactly what you heard but I'm doing this for her. What did you hear?"

Dawn bit the inside of her cheek, "I- well not much. They were talking about a cave and how they were going to get you out of there safely and that you might be kinda messed up afterwards and stuff."

Spike sat frozen for a beat before bobbing his head, he swallowed a little nervously, "Well yeah, imagine they're right."

Dawn frowned, "After everything she's been through with Angel, why would you want them to curse you?"

He sighed, finally starting to understand, "That's what you think, is it? Bloody fu- eh, I mean— sodding Angel, the git. You think I wanna be anything like that poncy— I ain't asking for a curse. Asking for my soul. Bit more complicated to make it a permanent deal."

"Permanent?"

Spike nodded seriously, leaning back in his chair. "Got no desire to be anything like Angel. Don't want my soul being some fickle thing that pops off every time I crack a smile."

"I still don't understand. You two are finally together. I know you love her," Dawn said, her voice filled with concern.

He looked down at his hands and back up at her, "More than anything. I'm doing it so she can love me too."

"But— she does… doesn't she?" She was looking at him with huge sad eyes but she could have shoved a lance through his gut.

He swallowed down the pain of her innocent words. "It's complicated, poppet. She wants to. She tries. I know she tries and that's why I have to do this."

"But why!?" She almost whispered.

He rubbed his forehead in frustration, "Because! Because, she shouldn't have to… I- I know I'm a monster. I know it. But she— Buffy—As much as I—" He broke off swallowing a hard lump, "As desperate as I am for her to love me… I can't expect her to, not like this. Not the way I am now, she's too good for that. Too good for me. I can't let her lower herself down to me like that. No matter how much I want her to. And I do. That's the problem, I might be evil but I'm not an idiot."

"But why hide it?"

"Because I've got to do it regardless of what she thinks about it. She's the only one who could talk me out of it and she's not the only one I'm doing this for."

"The babies."

He nodded, and stared at a dried up leaf on the floor that had blown in from outside, "What sort of a father would I be the way I am now? They all deserve better and I plan to give them what they deserve."