It was a few days before the new moon, Willow leaned against a tall tombstone to shake a rock out of her shoe that had been bothering her for the last five minutes of her walk. She had blown off her usual afternoon study session to make her way over to Spike's crypt.
"Spike?" She called tentatively when she got there. There was no answer and it was pretty clear that he wasn't in the upper level.
Well duh, vampire— daytime— which means he's probably asleep. Why did Buffy have to tell me he sleeps naked?! Please be covered… please be covered… I do not want to see more of Spike than absolutely necessary before it's absolutely necessary— gah… not even then— eek… please be covered— She thought furiously as she descended the ladder.
"Spike!?" She called, wondering into his room where he was sprawled out on the bed. Blessedly, under the covers. "Oh thank the goddess, he's covered," she muttered to herself. "Spike! Hey! You!" She yelled lamely and looked around to see if there was anything she could wake him up with. Spotting a pen nearby and flicking it at him. It bounced off his forehead and he sat up with a start.
"Bloody hell! What was that about?"
"You really take the whole sleeping-like-the-dead thing seriously don't you?
"What time is it?" He grumbled, rolling toward the edge of the bed to read the clock. It was only a little after 1:00 in the afternoon. He groaned and knit his eyebrows, "What is it? Buffy alright? Dawn?"
She nodded, shifting uncomfortably, "They're totally fine. I just wanted to tell you we're all set for the ensoulment."
He ran a hand through his hair, still waking up. "Really?"
Spike pulled the blanket around him a little more snuggly as she perched on the edge of the bed, "I didn't want to say anything until we had everything ready."
The visit from Dawn had tipped him off that the witches were getting close but it still came as a little bit of a surprise. "You figured out how to get me my soul, free and clear, no strings attached?"
"We sure did." Willow smiled.
The reality of her words started to sink in slowly, "You're serious?"
She nodded, "We figured out that it has to be done on sacred ground, Tara and I scoped out the place Buffy went for her spirit journey, we found a cave when we went on our 'camping trip' that will work great for us."
"Thought there was something off about that little excursion of yours," he scrubbed his nails through his hair, messing up the curls even more. He turned his eyes back towards her, "That was weeks ago, what's been the hold up?"
She gave an apologetic half smile, "I had to have Anya special order an anointing oil from Tibet. It just arrived this morning. How do you think I found the time to start putting the Buffy-Bot back together?"
"Didn't think about it much really," he said, shifting the blanket a little.
"Well, I figure it's not going to be long before Buffy starts to get waddle-y, which I imagine will make slayage mondo difficult."
"True enough. So a trip to the desert is it?"
"Yup. We already have everything arranged, I just have to go over all the ritual stuff with you, pack up the car and get our vamp-daddy out to the desert."
"Ritual? You mean I got to get all chant-y? Bugger all," he complained sullenly.
"Nah, that's my job. Your job is pretty much just ritualistic cleansing type stuff."
"So long as you're not expecting me to have a soak in holy water, we'll get on fine," he said, with a smirk. "How are we explaining this mass exitus to Buffy? She might buy you two goin' on another camping trip but she'll notice if I toddle off."
"Anya is planning on keeping Buffy and Dawn busy with baby-bump shopping and wedding stuff while we're gone. She won't notice a thing."
Spike sighed, relieved that he didn't have to make something up but also feeling ashamed of himself for not being honest with her. It wouldn't mean the same if she knew… He argued with himself. "When do we do this?"
"The night of the new moon. The moon phase is super important for the spell, if we don't do it now, we'll have to wait another month," Willow frowned.
Spike cleared his throat, "Right then, I'll get my affairs in order."
Spike stood on the sidewalk outside of Buffy's house the night before the new moon, looking up at the front door with longing.
Why does a man do what he mustn't? For her. To be hers. To be the kind of man who— no. To be a kind of man. God. That's all I want. To be let in. To fit. To be in her world and her life. To be a man she can love without hesitation. A good man. A good father. Is that too much to ask?
He sighed heavily and made his way into the house. Buffy was sitting on the couch, looking at one of Anya's bridal magazines. Spike stood leaning against the entrance to the living room, watching her for a moment.
"Just gonna stand there or are you gonna come in?" Buffy said, without looking up from the magazine.
Spike couldn't help but smile as he sat down next to her on the couch. He raised an eyebrow at the magazine, gesturing towards it with a lazy hand, "I'm not entirely opposed to a shotgun wedding, although I rather think you deserve better than that."
Buffy scoffed, "Ha ha very funny, Anya wants to take Dawn and me shopping for bridesmaids dresses. I am just trying to find something that is baby-bump friendly. A lot of the maternity dresses I've seen are kind of sucky. I also need new stuff for work, these little jellybeans are officially messing with my wardrobe," she said, placing a hand on her little belly. Buffy was almost a third of the way through her second trimester and really starting to show.
Spike laid a hand beside hers on her belly, "Don't fret slayer, you'll be stunning in anything you wear."
Buffy smiled at the sight of their hands together before she moved hers to resume flipping the pages of the magazine, "Yeah, well I'll be especially stunning if I can't talk her out of the green she picked. It's pretty radioactive."
Spike chuckled and gestured to her obviously relaxed position on the couch, "Not patrolling tonight?"
Buffy gave a sigh, "Sure we can go out if you want. Willow has the Buffy-Bot sort of up and running and she and Tara were taking it out on a test run. So I kinda thought maybe I'd take the night off."
"Could."
She shrugged, "It's sort of nice knowing it can step in when I eventually start looking like I swallowed a prize winning watermelon; but it still kinda wigs me out."
He moved his hand from her stomach, standing up briefly to shed his coat before sitting back down next to her. "Know the feeling."
"Says the guy who had the thing built as a sex toy."
He snorted, "Not remotely like the real thing, pet, I can tell you that."
"Not helping the creep factor here. It's still kind of glitchy. The thing keeps talking about marzipan. It's kind of annoying."
Spike groaned, "Bloody hell not that again." He turned towards her, lowering the magazine, gently with his hand. "Can we talk?"
Buffy turned her head towards him with a raised eyebrow, "With words? I kinda thought that's what we were doing."
"I'm being serious." He couldn't keep the edge out of his voice. He hadn't really planned on saying anything about his trip, just counting on Anya to be a distraction and be done with it. But the more he thought about it, the more he felt he owed her some sort of an explanation.
She furrowed her brow, frowning a little, "Is something wrong?"
He tapped his leg in agitation, "I hum— No. I just wanted to let you know I won't be around for a day or two."
"Okay, what's up?"
He cleared the lump in his throat, "Oh it's nothing really; there's just— there's something I'd like to get for you and the Double-mints and it might take me a bit of time to fetch it." It was as close to the truth as he dared get.
Buffy rolled her eyes sitting back against the couch. "Oh, is that all? You had me worried for a second." She flipped a page of the magazine. "Sure, as long as it doesn't take up a ton of room. Every time I think about where I'm going to put two cots and all the baby stuff, I start to panic and it's not like your crypt is exactly baby friendly. Willow and Tara cleaned the basement out which might help in the long run. At least I can pack up the breakables and put them down there now. But I still don't know how any of this is going to work. It's not like I can turn the basement into a nursery."
It took a minute for his brain to shift gears between the upcoming spell and Buffy's assumption that he must be talking about nursery furniture.
Bloody… sodding never-ending to-do list… God, I'm a lucky bastard.
He relaxed slightly, settling into the cushions and examining his black fingernails, "Well traditionally when two people in a committed ongoing relationship are raising children they live in the same house."
"I think we're kind of at max capacity as it is. At this rate I'm thinking the babies are going to have to sleep in my dresser drawers."
"That's not gonna happen," he said reassuringly, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her in close to him.
Buffy shifted forward, flopping the magazine onto the coffee table. Settling back into his side and placing a hand on his chest, drawing patterns into the soft fabric of the dark gray t-shirt he wore. "I can't look at that stuff anymore. Do you want to go upstairs?" She asked, looking at him expectantly.
Spike raised an eyebrow, "Not really in the mood, to be honest."
"I thought you were always in the mood," she pouted.
"Oh don't give me that pouty lip of yours. I've just got a bit more rolling around in my head tonight than usual."
Buffy moved herself into him a little more, "Are you sure vampires can't get sick?"
"Course I'm not sick. Just— " he cut off when Buffy pressed her lips to his.
He felt his arms wrapping around her on their own accord and she shifted further into him, smoothly straddling his lap. Buffy moved her lips over to his ear, sucking the lobe. "What do you say now?"
"I'll come upstairs if you let me stay with you," he replied simply.
Buffy pulled back from him a little, his voice had been soft but his eyes were unyielding. Her desire for him was growing quickly, becoming a compulsive need.
And I'm sure he knows it too…
She rolled her eyes, "Fine, you got me, you can stay."
The smile he gave her didn't reach his eyes, there was a sadness in them that cut into her, straight through her coursing hormones.
She leaned in, kissing him tenderly, "Stay with me, please?"
"Always."
Buffy slid off of him to stand, pulling him up with her and he wrapped an arm around her back lifting her into a bridal carry. Buffy gave a little squeak in protest and wrapped her arms around his neck as he made his way up the stairs with her.
Spike set her down on the floor in her bedroom and stood in front of her. He stripped out of his shirt, tossing it onto the floor before helping Buffy with her top. He sank to his knees where they stood next to the bed, pressing his ear to her belly. She loved how he was always checking on the babies like that, it gave her hope about the kind of father he might be.
He stood, laying kisses on her neck and shoulders as she shucked off the rest of her clothes and reached for his belt. Spike let out a little growl as she hooked her fingers into his waistband, pulling him towards her, ridding him of his pants.
"I love you," he murmured as he laid her on the bed gently, moving himself to lay on his side facing her. He moved cool fingers along her jaw, drawing her near letting his lips brush her cheek. It made shivers run the length of her body, pulling into her core.
Buffy wrapped her leg around his hips and pushed against him. Spike pulled back just a fraction to catch her eye, "I know I don't offer much, but everything I am is yours. All of me. I love you, Buffy."
She exhaled a little gasping sigh, his words tripping over in her mind. Her fingers roving over his silky soft skin as she caught his lips in a gentle kiss.
He's so good to me— even without a soul— How is he so good to me?
Before she knew what she was doing, the words started to spill from her lips. "Spike, I lo—"
But he caught them with his finger against her lips, "Shhh, I know you feel like you need to say it back, but let me earn it first, please?"
"But Spike, you—" she started.
His eyes blazed with something she couldn't quite put a name to. There was his usual lustful desire for her but it was diminished by a wash of pain. She had seen the same look flickering there plenty of times but this seemed different somehow. This wasn't a fleeting look. This was more like a storm brewing behind those blue eyes and he was doing everything in his power to hold it back.
She opened her mouth to speak but he silenced her with another kiss. Parting her lips and letting his tongue dance with hers. He was taking his time with her. Running his fingers lightly around her curves. Over her breast, around her rib cage, taking his time to skim over her belly and over her hips. Loving every inch.
The slow tenderness was driving her crazy. She rubbed her slit against his thigh, wedged between her legs. She slipped a hand between them to feel his rock hard length waiting for her. Rubbing her fingers up and down his shaft. The feeling of his erection in her hand alone, made her want to feel him inside her. She continued to run her hand down to his sack, squeezing gently and drawing her hand up his length feeling slick wetness at his tip.
Spike gave a hiss of pleasure and pulled his hips back enough for her to take his considerable heft into her dripping wet heat. Buffy moaned as he pushed into her. Splitting her as she met his thrust. "Ohh god, Spike— Oh I need you to— "
"To what, kitten?" He said with a smirk.
"I need—" she pulled him into a kiss. Digging her fingers into his hair with one hand and running the other over the corded muscles of his neck and back.
Her back arched as he thrust into her. They rolled as one until Buffy was laying on her back with her legs wrapped around him. Spike held himself up on his forearms pumping into her with languid strokes and brought his mouth to her breast. Buffy tightened her hold on him, running one hand down his back to grip his perfectly sculpted ass. Her nails digging into his flesh as the wave overtook her, crested and broke. Her legs shook as he continued to pump into her.
He released her breast, moving his lips up and latching onto her neck with blunt teeth. Sucking and licking her sensitive flesh as he drove into her heat building her up again almost instantly. Buffy pulled him into her with her legs. She nipped at his earlobe, licking a sensitive patch of skin behind his ear making him moan. She pulled his lobe back into her mouth, sucking hard as he continued to thrust. She released him, letting her hot breath wash over the skin dampened from her mouth. He shuddered as she nipped his neck and spilled into her with a jolt.
The feel of his release sent her over the edge again and she screamed his name. He covered her mouth with his, swallowing her screams. Spike pushed into her a few more times as they came down together. Buffy pressed her lips up against his kissing tenderly as Spike rolled them back onto their sides.
He ran a hand through her hair, damp with sweat. "I love you, Buffy, I love you so much."
The compulsion to say it back was starting to get the better of her. Her heart and head were in a constant state of war in moments like this. Like she was waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the chip to stop working altogether and for Spike to suddenly turn on them. The idea of the things he was capable of chilled her bones and yet for the past year he had been nothing but the helpful loving man she was currently wrapped up in. Literally and figuratively. What scared her even more was the fact that despite being soulless, the feelings she had been developing for him over the last several months were growing stronger by the day.
"You really need to stop saying that if I'm not allowed to say it back," she scolded lightly.
His eyes roamed over her face, searching her eyes, "All in due time."
Being Friday morning, it wasn't much of a surprise to Spike when he woke up alone, Buffy still had to work and Dawn had school. Willow and Tara had made the decision to skip their classes in favor of the spell.
Spike wasn't sure how long he would be away from work and fed his manager a very human line about having shoulder surgery. His manager wasn't thrilled about him calling off on short notice but wasn't in the habit of asking questions and simply took him at his word, asking only that he call as soon as he was cleared for work. Even as understanding as his manager had been, he still wasn't sure if he would have a job to go back to, but figured this was more important.
He pulled on his clothes and headed downstairs where Tara and Willow were already in the living room, making preparations for their trip. Willow looked up from the large galvanized tub she was filling with what Spike could only assume were necessities for the spell.
She gave him a slightly raised eyebrow when she saw him, "Well, look who stayed the night."
He rubbed the back of his neck, "Figured Buffy deserved some sort of an explanation after all."
"Wait… you told her?" Willow gaped.
Spike took a few steps forward to grip the back of the chair, "Not exactly. I told her there was something I wanted to get for her and the wonder-twins— think she's under the impression I'm getting a bloody rocking chair or some rubbish for the nursery," he let out a long suffering sigh. It wasn't really his place to say anything but he knew Buffy wouldn't and he might not be in any sort of condition to mention it later, "don't think she'd say anything to you lot about it, but I ain't so timid. She's really in knots over where we're going to put the little ones—" he cut off, waiting expectantly for one of them to catch onto what he was saying.
Willow and Tara exchanged a look and Willow cleared her throat, "Ah yeah, we've actually been talking about getting an apartment closer to campus but it might still be a little while."
He nodded and straightened up, "Glad that's covered. Bout ready to shove off?
Willow looked around "Unless you have stuff you have to get from your crypt."
Spike shrugged and patted his pockets, "Tend to travel light as it is, don't really need much. Anyone think to pack any blood in that cooler of yours?"
"There's two bags from the butcher in the cooler and three in the fridge here. I think you should definitely eat before we go. There's a good chance you're not gonna have much of an appetite afterwards," Willow replied.
Tara gathered up the last of the camping supplies and started towards the door, "Yeah well I packed an extra sleeping bag anyway and a couple of extra blankets to keep the sun off."
"Right nice of you, Glinda," Spike replied.
The sun was still shining when they arrived in the desert. They parked the car as close to the cave as they possibly could. Tara and Willow left Spike sleeping in the backseat of the car under a blanket while they got things set up at their campsite. By the time they finished it was nearly sun down.
Spike woke up when Tara slammed the trunk shut.
"Keep it down would you?" He growled and pulled the blanket down. Lifting a hand to the back of the seat before pulling himself up, thankful for the folding windshield sun-screen contraption the witches had put up to keep the car from turning into an oven.
Spike opened the car door facing away from the setting sun to find Tara hefting the large tub Willow had been filling with supplies back at the house. "Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up. We're just getting started on the setup for the ensoulment ritual," she explained apologetically.
Spike readjusted the blanket around his back and scooted to sit with his legs out of the car facing her, "Anything the sun impaired can help with?"
Tara frowned and looked over her shoulder to the cave where Willow was busy getting things set up. "The cave might be less stuffy if you want to wait a few minutes for the sun to go down."
He shifted the blanket a bit, "Bit antsy I guess."
"Let me go set this down and we'll see what we still need to do." Tara said before heading toward the cave.
Spike sat sullenly waiting for another minute before he huffed, "Bugger this," he mumbled. He pulled the blanket up against the setting sun and ran across the arid ground towards the cave. Willow froze with a sage wand in her hand watching as he ran past her. Little wisps of smoke curled off of him. He flung himself into the shade of the cave, ripping off the blanket and throwing it down.
Spike straightened up, clawing back a little dignity and cleared his throat, "How's it coming along?"
Willow blinked at him and shook her head, "You couldn't have waited five minutes?"
"Got bored."
"Well, you're in here now. Take these," she said, stooping down and picking up a small wicker box filled with clear quartz crystals. She shoved the box toward him, "put one of these in between each of the candles I already set up in the center of the cave."
"Right, I can do that," he answered.
Willow rolled her eyes, "Go on, I want to get a move on. We're going to get started soon. You remember everything you have to do?"
He blinked at her with an expression of incredulity, "The bit where I have to take a skyclad bath? Think I got it."
"Ritual bath, jump the fire and then yeah… humm, we have to— eh… anoint you with the oil— so—"
Spike raised an eyebrow. "You know if I didn't know for damn certain you both were swinging for the other team I'd maybe think you were trying to take advantage of me."
Willow snorted, "Yeah, if it weren't for the whole witch thing, we definitely would not be the lesbians for the job."
"Awkward for all parties— I assure you."
Spike stood under a moonless sky, an endless expanse of stars stretched overhead. The time for the ritual had come. In front of him stood the galvanized tub filled with several gallons of moon-water Tara had prepared at the full moon. It was essentially a version of holy water that was vampire safe.
Beyond the tub was a fire with bundles of fragrant herbs burning. Between the fire and the mouth of the cave stood Willow and Tara dressed in all white, waiting for Spike.
Spike took a deep breath and stripped out of his clothes. He stood outside of the tub a moment, feeling the warmth of the dry earth beneath his feet. He took a moment to calm his nerves, sinking his toes into the dusty ground before stepping into the cool water. The tub was far too small for him to sit in. It was more of the sort that some people used for washing the dog outside or letting small children play in, in the summer sun.
He let the scent of the water reach him before he began to pour it over himself using a ceramic cup. The water had been infused with rosemary and lemon verbena. A bar of handmade soap filled with sacred herbs, and a washcloth waited for him.
Spike washed thoroughly from head to toe as he had been instructed. Washing his hair and face, rinsing thoroughly with the fragrant water and running the washcloth over his skin leaving a thick lather. Once he was clean from head to toe he rinsed using the ceramic cup. The fire creating glistening reflections against his skin as he poured water over himself.
He stepped out of the tub dripping wet and stood for a moment before taking a few steps toward the fire. He could see Willow and Tara as they each threw a fresh bundle of herbs into the fire and began chanting. Spike took a deep breath waiting for his cue to jump over the flames.
Sodding fool for love— jumping over a bloody fire in your birthday suit— Focus William. Remember what the witch said, willingness and commitment are key. Well here I am, all kinds of committed.
The herb bundles created a thick white smoke coming up from the fire in a great plume. With lithe predator grace Spike leapt over the fire. Cutting through the thick smoke smoothly, as it caressed his flesh and the flames lapped at his feet.
He landed on the other side with a soft thump. The fire at his back, warming his skin as he felt suddenly very awkward standing in front of two of Buffy's best friends completely naked.
This was part of the plan. Of course they had been over it. It was the part none of them were really looking forward to but it had to be done. Without a word Spike took several steps towards them standing still with his legs parted slightly and arms relaxed at his sides.
While Tara and Willow both continued chanting, Willow took up a large clay jug filled with the sacred anointing oil. She began walking around him in a slow steady motion, pouring oil. Staring at his head and moving around, thoroughly coating his shoulders, and chest, letting the oil drip down.
Careful not to disturb Willow's application of the oil, Tara started to massage it into his scalp, through his hair, then moved on to smooth it over his face, ears and neck.
Spike couldn't remember the last time he felt so awkward and self conscious about his body. His only comfort being the fact that he knew they certainly didn't want anything from him.
Willow continued to walk around him in slow, concentric circles keeping clear of Tara's movements. Continuing to anoint him with oil from head to toe. When Willow had finished circling him three times she set down the jug. She then proceeded to assist Tara in massaging the oil into his skin, being sure that every inch of his body was completely covered.
Spike nearly yelped when one of them, he didn't dare look, anointed his genitals with the nearly mechanical movements of a trained medical professional. There was nothing sexual in the act whatsoever and yet it made him wince with discomfort. The whole experience would have had an extremely different effect on him had it been Buffy's hands on his body. As it was he simply stood there as the two of them continued to work the oil down his legs. They made sure every single patch of skin was completely covered, including the souls of his feet before they stood back up between him and the mouth of the cave.
Spike took a deep unnecessary breath, thankful that part was over. The relief he felt was etched into both of the witches' faces as they continued to chant. Tara moved to Spike's left, still chanting softly, while Willow stood in front of him.
"Why do you come here?" She asked in an odd hollow voice that didn't sound quite like her own. The change in her tone nearly whipped the prepared answer Spike had, from his mind but he reeled it in and controlled his shock.
When he spoke his voice was firm, almost demanding, "I come willingly to this sacred place to restore what was once mine. I come willingly to seek what was lost. I come willingly to take back what was stolen from me. I have come for my soul."
Willow's head dipped for a fraction of a moment, "To one who is willing, what was stolen shall be returned, what was lost shall be found, restoring what is yours," she answered in the same odd tone.
Willow turned, striding into the cave. Spike and Tara followed single file with Tara coming in behind him. Willow stopped in the center of the circle where Spike joined her. He turned around to face Tara with his back towards Willow, dropping to his knees. Willow moved in close to him gripping his hair in one hand and bringing her other hand to rest high in the center of his chest. Had she been armed with a sharp knife he might have been afraid of decapitation.
Willow began to chant once more until a soft glowing light began to form under the palm of her hand on his chest. A burning sensation started to sear his chest. The sensation spread, increasing as though sunlight was being poured into him. The light grew, growing brighter and brighter with the pain of it.
For a long moment the howls of a dying animal grievously wounded filled the cave. The sound ricocheting off of the walls in a deafening cacophony. Something in the recesses of Spike's mind recognised that sound as his own voice a moment before everything faded to black.